Childrens Hospital (2010) s07e11 Episode Script

- 7x11 - "Grandparents' Day" Sy, are you forgetting anything? Not one thing.
Everyone is gonna be welcomed at the hospital.
We have the cafeteria allowing everyone to pay by check.
And everyone is getting a box set of The Mentalist.
- Wow.
- Sy Mittleman.
Hey, I'd love for you to meet my Grandpa and Grandma Richie.
Grandpa Richie is a vascular surgeon.
Thoracic surgeon, just to be clear and correct.
Wonderful! Sy! These are my grandparents, Sam and Edith.
I just call 'em my Whammy and Grumpa.
- Wonderful! - Sy, Sy.
This is my Umi and Poopah.
This is my Bubbie and Shitstain.
This is Canada Wet and Badumpbump.
Wonderful! - Sy.
- Hello.
I want you to meet my grandma Shirley.
Hello, folks.
Heart be still, you're Shirley Jones.
- I'm a big fan.
- Great, you know her? Uh, you didn't tell me you had a celebrity superstar grandma.
Oh, sorry, Chet.
It's just that I was busy saving lives.
I only hope that you have the most wonderful day here at Childrens.
- Oh, I -- - Can I give you a kiss? - Yes.
Oh, yeah.
- No.
Oh, thank you, yeah.
-Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- What a pleasure.
Really.
Bye.
You didn't tell your co-workers who I was? Well, I want to be known for my accomplishments as a physician, Not just the grandchild of legendary actress Shirley Jones.
Oh.
I'm sorry, can you just do a quick picture of us together? Great.
Um Uh Where are your grandparents today, Lola? You get into a big fight with them years ago and haven't spoken to them since? (laughs) I know you mean that as a lighthearted joke, Dori, but in my case, that's exactly what happened, so it kind of stings.
I'm so sorry, Lola.
I really gaffed that one.
My grandpa Willy -- He used to take me everywhere, But then we got into a fight.
I don't even know why -- something about a Zip drive -- And we haven't spoken since.
This is him.
Oh! And you know the one thing that I wish I could have said to him? I do.
Anyway, much work to be done.
You know the drill.
So, this is our intensive care unit, or as we like to call it, NBC's prime-time lineup.
Because everything in here is on life support.
And also, they gave us a pretty big donation.
This is so sad.
What if some of these kids aren't really supposed to make it? Wouldn't it show more compassion to let Nature take its course? No way.
I'm at a tug-of-war with the Grim Reaper, and I ain't never letting go.
Nobody's dying with dignity on my watch.
Personally, I'll be ending my life before it becomes too hard to enjoy.
You'd take your own life? I like to call it self-release.
I want to go out on my terms, like Michael Jordan did, before the Wizards, obviously.
Okay, releasing the clamp.
Suture lines look good so far, no leaks.
Is that really how you suture? No, forget it.
Do your thing.
Thank you.
Hmm.
Ha! No, just -- It -- You know, it's interesting that you're using a percutaneous suture when a, uh, mattress stitch would be far more effective.
Yeah, if I could just, uh -- move over, actually.
Let him in there, sweetie.
Oh.
Thank you.
Telly Savalas had this ball in his hand, and he threw it right on the ground.
And boom, it kept coming back.
What? That's so great! What a juicy Hollywood story.
- Excuse me.
- Hey, not now, Cat.
- So, Shirley.
- Yes.
Tell me what it was like working with Bobby Preston on The Music Man.
I mean, he must have been a real character.
Oh, he was wonderful, just wonderful.
Yeah.
Oh, my goodness, it's my granddaughter, a vision.
It's your grandpa Willy.
I'm so sorry we had a fight, but I'm here now.
Sy, what the hell are you doing? Okay.
Did you ever rumble with the Brady Bunch? Hey, everybody, I wanted to introduce you to my grandfather.
Oh, hi.
Such a pleasure.
Oh, big operation.
What kind of music do we want? Uh, Beethoven, Dizzy Gillespie? Ooh, early Spin Doctors.
They are -- No! Grandpa, what did you do?! Oh, God.
Oh, God, Grandpa.
No! Grandpa Don't you die on me! Grandpa! Why would you do that? I didn't want to tell you, but I'm terminally ill.
Oh, God! I wanted to cash out while I'm still enjoying my life.
Over my dead body.
Not your dead body.
Of course she didn't buy it.
You can't just put a wig on and make Lola believe that you're the grandpa.
Acting is reacting.
Tell me more.
Well, when I was doing The Partridge Family at Burbank Studios -- I'm a big fan.
we had a wonderful crew.
Anyway, David Cassidy had this scene - where he was alone on the bus.
- Right.
And they had to go about two blocks.
Well, the driver came in and drove him all the way to Pasadena.
David was that committed.
Wow.
Are you ready to go to Pasadena? Let's go to Pasadena.
I'm Grandpa Willy.
Want to go fishing? No, m-more details! M-more heart.
I'm your grandpa Willy.
Let's fish for a big one.
- Oh, please, no.
- That's a detail.
You -- you know what? I can't do this.
- Yes, you can.
- No, I cannot! Hi, sweetheart, it's me, Grandpa Willy.
Bring it back to the text.
- Would you like to fish with me? - Oh, yes.
I'm Grandpa Willy.
Let's fish.
Yes.
You'll have her fishing with you.
I guarantee it.
All right, if he so much as moves a muscle, call me, you got it? Owen, you're -- There.
That should prevent him from trying to sweet-talk you into unshackling him.
But look at him.
Do you really want your grandpa bound and gagged in a hospital for the rest of his life? I guess I didn't really have a good long-term plan.
If he feels like it's his time, you should respect his wishes.
You're right.
I was being so selfish.
I'm gonna miss him like hell, but if my grandpa wants to die, who am I to stop him? Grandpa? I finally get it.
Aah! Go to be with Grandma! You tell her I said hello.
Me! Owen! You tell her that I am a good boy! Quit fighting me! Die with dignity! He's gone.
I miss him already.
- Okay, I'll see y'all later.
- Okay.
Hi, Lola.
It's Grandpa Willy.
Sy, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I know it's you.
Pasadena.
Hello, Lola, it's Grandpa Willy.
Let's go fishing.
Grandpa Willy! - Yes.
- It is you.
- Yeah.
- Oh! Tell me again about that fish you caught in Lake Winnipesaukee.
It was a lake.
There was a fish.
That's the story, that's the one.
Attention, staff.
I'm thinking about Cher's former boyfriend, Gregg.
That is Allman.
Oh! Oh.
I saw what you did for those two.
Are you proud to be my granddaughter now? No! I mean, are you kidding? You spent all of Grandparents' Day with Sy and not me.
I hate you.
You can't talk to me that way! I worked with Burt Lancaster.
You know the plan? - You got the cash, I know the plan.
- I'll pay you after.
Okay, let's get this surgery party started.
Patient is under.
Let's begin.
Scalpel.
Scalpel.
Uh, is there a problem, Grandpa? Uh, just puzzling why you would begin cutting at the entrance to the pyloric antrum when it would be much safer to start at the esophagus.
Oh, uh, would you like to give it a shot? H-how do you feel about that, everybody? Uh, ladies and gentlemen, should he give it a shot? - Yay! - Yay! - Yay! - Yay! All right.
All right, there you go.
Now, then, now, this would be the proper entry point.
Okay.
- Brazier clamp.
- Brazier clamp.
Heart rate is lowering, Dr.
Richie, the old one.
That doesn't make any sense.
W-would you like me to take over, Grandpa? - No! I know what I'm doing.
- Okay.
Oh! - We're losing her.
- Pump her with oxygen.
Give her a jolt! This shouldn't be happening.
We lost her.
Oh! Oh, yes! Yes! Yes, now who's getting it all wrong, huh? That patient be dead.
All right, Glenn, you have made your point.
I have been too critical of you.
Now I see that.
Thank you.
And that's all I wanted to hear.
I love you, Grandpa.
I love you, too, Glenn.
That's it.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Attention, hospital staff.
My dog was shot and killed today.
Bingo was his name-o.
That is all.
Oh.
Thanks for coming to visit me.
It means so much.
Willy? Grandma! I decided to surprise you for Grandparents' Day, but the surprise is on me.
My husband, Willy.
Come on, Willy, let's go home.
Bye, Grandpa! Bye, Grandma! You never let him out of the house again.
No, I won't.
You know, what a perfect way to end a day with Lola's dead grandfather coming back to life.
Yeah, God, what a great idea.
Grandparents' Day.
Gosh, Sy.
Where is Sy? Oh, I-I think he's on his way to, uh, Pasadena.
Wait, wait.
Why are you guys laughing? How could you possibly get that reference? Oh, I don't get it.
I just know it's funny.
Yes.