Family Ties (1982) s07e11 Episode Script

(no voice) I bet we've been together for a million years And I bet we'll be together for a million more Oh, it's like I started breathing On the night we kissed And I can't remember what I ever did before What would we do, baby, without us? What would we do, baby, without us? And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through What would we do, baby, without us? (Steven growls) Can I help you? Can't you see I'm trying to work here? - What is it, honey? - (heavy sigh) Well, I'm really struggling, trying to find a new idea for a documentary.
It's been two weeks, I haven't come up with anything.
The problem is, honey, you're competing with a lot of your earlier work it's hard to top some of the things you've already done.
I must admit they were very good.
"In recognition of excellence for the documentary "The Automatic Milking Machine: The Day the Cows Dried Out.
" That one made me cry.
Perhaps my best work.
"So You Think You Know Your Hat.
" - Are my friends here yet? - No, not yet, honey, - but I have your milk and cookies all ready.
- Okay.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
Wait, hey.
Milk and cookies.
Wait, milk.
Milk, cows.
Milking machines! Don't you oh.
(sighing): Wait a minute, I've done that.
(sighing): I've done it all.
- Hey.
- Dad, I think I've got it.
How about a documentary on teenage sex? As far as you're concerned, there's no such thing as teenage sex.
Oh, but there is.
You don't know anything about it either.
Okay, how about a documentary about a brilliant young artist? You can use Nick.
Yeah, you could start in his childhood when aliens replaced his brain with a throw rug.
(doorbell rings) I'll get it! They're my friends.
Hi, sweetheart.
Your directions were perfect.
These are my friends, Joseph Simmons and Eva Martin.
Gee, they're so old.
Maybe they got left back a lot.
Andy you did tell your parents that we're from the retirement center, didn't you? - Oh! (laughing) - Oh! The retirement center! Andy's class visits there every week.
- It's a school project.
- Oh, please, please, - come in, come in, sit down.
- Thank you.
No, welcome.
I'm Steven Keaton, Andy's father.
It's so nice to meet you.
This is, uh, my wife Elyse.
Oh, excuse me, I feel as though I know the family already.
I'll bet that's Jennifer.
- You're Mallory.
- Yeah.
- And you must be Alex.
- JOSEPH: Alex, you know, everyone at the center is so grateful to you for teaching Andy to fill out our tax returns.
Who would guess you could deduct prunes? Well, I hope we'll see you again.
Certainly, if Andy will be kind enough to invite us again.
- Mi casa es su casa.
- Oh - (laughs) - Well, we'll see you later.
- See you later.
Nice meeting you.
Bye-bye.
Andy really seems to enjoy visiting you at the center.
Oh, well, Andy's become a very good friend.
You know, you can't imagine how nice it is to have a lively visitor each week.
STEVEN: We're running a little low, Andy.
- I'll go get some more.
- Great.
Uh, according to Andy, uh, there's so many activities, you hardly have a moment free.
Well, Mrs.
Clark, the director of the center, she believes that seniors should always be kept busy.
If you're not busy, she'll lecture you until you chase her off with a shuffleboard stick.
Then she's happy.
(laughs) Joseph, you know you enjoy the activities.
- (chuckles) - He's shuffleboard champion.
Yeah, haven't lost a game in four years.
They're talking about testing for steroids.
(laughs) Well, it seems like you lead a really full life at the center.
Oh, well, you know how it is.
Nothing is perfect.
Oh, uh, Eva is perfect.
(chuckles) EVA: Excuse me, but we've done nothing but talk about ourselves since we came in.
Oh, no, no, don't apologize; it's been very interesting.
And I think you may have solved a problem for me.
How about a documentary about a first grader visiting a retirement center? Oh, I think that's a good idea.
No, i-it feels very good, especially since Americans are living so much longer now.
And I could personalize it by focusing in on you two and your lives.
What did I tell you, Eva? Stick with me, kid, I'll get you in show business.
Hi, Joseph! Hi, Eva! Hi, Sam! JOSEPH: Oh, hello, Andy.
Hello, Steven.
- Hi.
- Oh, Sam, this is Steven Keaton.
He's making a documentary about Andy and all of us people - at the center here.
- How nice.
Yeah.
And this is, this is Jack McDowell, my cameraman.
Jack is gonna be taking some background footage today.
Keaton, Keaton.
- I know your work.
- Oh.
- You did the documentary with the hats.
- (chuckles) They show that every year.
- That's one of my favorites.
- Well, thank you.
You know, I'm no film critic, but it seems to me, in a half hour about hats, you could throw in a pair of socks.
Mr.
Keaton, I'm Mrs.
Clark.
- We spoke on the telephone.
- Oh.
Very nice to meet you.
Yes, we appreciate you giving us permission to tape here.
Oh, not at all.
But please remember the conditions.
Try to keep the noise down, don't interfere with any of the organized activities, and if you overstimulate any of the seniors, I'll have to ask you to leave.
Don't worry about the over stimulation.
He did the thing with the hats.
Uh, well, look, uh, here's how I'd like to start.
Andy, I want you to sit, uh, with Joseph and Eva.
And what am I, an end table? And Sam and I will ask you some questions.
- Very good.
Okay? - Okay.
Good.
All right.
Uh, Andy, um, what's it like coming to the retirement center? Well, the first thing I've noticed, everybody's older than me.
By a lot.
Uh, what do you like best about being here? Well, I like it when they tell me stories.
Joseph, tell the story of how you met Eva.
Ah.
Andy, you know, when my wife died, I moved in with my son David.
Well we didn't get along too well, and so eventually we decided that I should move in here to the center.
I get along with my dad very well.
Hi, Dad! (laughing): Hi.
And then one day we were all sitting around here, you know, just like every other day, then all of a sudden, in walks the most beautiful vision you have ever seen in your life.
That must have been Eva.
(laughing): It sure was.
- And I noticed Joseph right away, too.
- Oh And, you know, then I knew right away that I had met the woman that I was gonna marry.
And someday we will.
Not someday, Eva.
Time goes by too quickly.
Will you marry me? Did you get that? Joseph my answer is yes.
STEVEN: Well, I don't believe it! Cut! - Cut! - Wonderful! (indistinct chatter) Hey, Dad.
Pretty festive in here.
- What's all this? - Well, can't you see, son? - We're in the movies.
- Hi.
I'm Steven Keaton.
- Well, hey.
- WKS.
David Simmons.
So, what are you taping here? Well, we're doing a documentary on life here at the center, and, uh, well, we just captured a very, very special moment on tape.
Well, Joseph, I'm sure you'd like to tell your son.
- Well, David, my boy - What is it, Pop? Well, Eva and I are gonna get married.
Well, come on, kiss the bride.
Come on, seriously, Dad, - what's going on? - I I am serious.
I mean, we've got the honeymoon planned.
You bet.
They're going to a retirement center in Hawaii.
You are serious about this.
- Hey, Pop.
- Hmm? Okay, just wait a minute.
Look, okay, it's crazy.
You two cannot get married.
All right, you're 74 years old.
Oh, too young? No, Dad, now, be realistic.
You can't get married.
You can't move out of the center.
I mean, how are you gonna take care of yourself? I'm not going to take care of myself.
I am going to take care of Eva, and Eva is gonna take care of me.
Who's gonna take care of me? David, I'm not going to let anything happen to your father.
Eva with all due respect, I don't think this thing can possibly work out.
I don't have to listen to this.
Let's go, Eva.
Dad? Jennifer, the water cooler's empty.
- Will you help me with a new bottle? - Sure.
- Oh - Here, I'll get it.
Oh, God, these things are heavy.
Yeah, maybe we should wait, let Mom do it.
We can do it.
Mallory, we have to take the top off.
I know we have to take the top off.
- I have to get my hand off - (Jennifer squeals) - Wait, Jennifer, please hold on.
- Here, here.
No, wait, my hand's right underneath it.
- Come on.
- No, don't you can't I can't hold the whole thing by myself.
Ladies you want to hurry up with this, please? I'm thirsty.
Alex, you could give us a hand, you know.
What, are you kidding me? I don't touch this.
- Wait till Mom gets home.
- Alex! - Alex! All right, all right, all right, - all right, all right.
- All right, come on.
- First we gotta take the top - Take the top off we know.
- Okay, all right.
- (grunts) Thank you.
Okay, all right, now just bring it around.
- No, wait, you're gonna spill it.
- (knocking) - I-I'll get it.
- No, I'll get it.
No, I'm getting it.
I'm right here.
All right, all right, we'll, we'll all get it, okay? We'll (chuckling): Hi, kids.
Is your dad home? Uh, he's not in right now; he should be back shortly.
Care for a drink? Well, no, thanks.
Do you mind if we wait for him? - No, help yourself.
- No, fine.
Come on.
- You need some help? - Uh Nah, it's all right.
No, we got it.
JOSEPH: Well, it's no trouble.
Eva does it all the time.
Well, we appreciate it.
We-we got it.
- Okay, all right.
- Yeah.
(all talking at once) You're gonna spill it all over me, Mallory! ALEX: Just bring it bring it up.
Just bring it up.
Hey, guys.
- Hey, Mom, how are you? - Mom.
- Mom.
STEVEN: Attagirl.
Joseph! Eva! Great to see you! - Getting ready for the big day? - Well, yes, we've actually just been taking a walk.
And, uh, discussing the wedding plans.
Oh, you must be so excited.
I remember what it was like before our wedding.
- It must've been very beautiful.
- ELYSE: Oh, it was.
It was outside in Golden Gate Park.
All our friends were there with guitars and everyone singing.
Everyone was crying.
Oh, well, weddings can be very emotional.
No, it was the tear gas.
Ou-Our wedding was held in the middle of a protest.
Was it political? Uh, no, it was her father.
I know what you mean we're having some family problems, too.
I understand your son David - isn't making this easy for you.
- JOSEPH: Well, I don't know what it is.
I mean, why can't he be happy for me? I've tried to talk about it with him, but but somehow we can't communicate.
We were wondering if maybe you could talk to him, Steven.
Well, Joseph, Eva, I-I'd I'd love to help, but I don't know how I could.
I mean, I-I barely know your son.
But you can relate to him.
I mean, you're, you're, you're more his age, and you speak his groovy kind of lingo.
Besides, who can we go to? We're all alone except for the few people we know at the center.
Please, Steven.
We could really use some help.
David comes to the center every Thursday to visit.
All right.
I'll try.
I'll try, but I'm not sure what I'm gonna say.
- Oh, thank you.
- All right.
- Thank you.
Now we can go on with our walk.
- Okay.
- Well, it's lovely that you dropped by.
- Oh, thank you.
- Please-please come at any time.
- Good-bye.
- See you Thursday.
- I'll be there.
- Thanks a lot.
- You bet.
- Bye.
- (Steven sighs) - (Elyse chuckles) What? What-what was that all about? - Well, Joseph and Eva want to get married.
- (chuckles) But his son David is adamantly opposed to the idea.
Ah, well, I'm sure he has his reasons.
I mean, you know, caring for an elderly parent, that's a that's an awesome responsibility.
How would you know? Oh, come on, Ma.
I've given this a lot of thought, you know? And I think that-that children have an obligation to plan for the day when their parents become a burden on society.
I mean, uh God knows I have.
Well, that's, uh that's a relief, Alex.
Your mother and I were afraid we were going to be set adrift on an ice floe.
Dad, Mom, I promise you that's a last resort.
No, when your time comes, I'm gonna make sure you get put into the most comfortable, elegant retirement center available.
Honey, honey, we're not gonna live in a retirement center.
We're gonna live with you.
Well, then it's the ice floe.
- Joseph, Eva, hi.
- Oh, hello, Steven.
- Hi, Steven.
- Where's your camera? - Well, Sam, I'm, uh I'm here to pay a little social call today.
Oh, that's great, and I got all made-up.
I didn't notice anything different.
Didn't you see what I did with my hair? No.
I parted it on the other side.
- Of the room.
- EVA: Oh! (Sam laughs) - Crazy.
- (laughing): Steve, can I have a word with you? Oh, sure, sure, sure.
(chuckles) - What is it? - Well, first of all, - I want to thank you very much for coming.
- Mm-hmm.
And, uh, David is gonna be here soon.
- Well, I just hope I can do some good.
- Oh, well, I'm sure you will be able to, but just if by chance you should run into any kind of a difficulty, I've just, uh, prepared a short list of points you might want to make.
"David, remember when you were seven years old, and I bought you that bicycle?" Thank you, but I, uh I don't think it'll come to this.
(both chuckle) - Hello, Dad.
- JOSEPH: Ah, hello, David.
My, this is a surprise.
Who would have expected you to be here today? What are you talking about? He comes every Thursday.
Why don't you go part your hair on the other side of the room? All right.
Uh, I know where I'm not wanted.
- You can cry on my shoulder, Sam.
- Come on, sweet potato.
Uh, say, David, can I speak to you for a minute? - Yeah, sure.
- (clears throat) Uh look, I-I I realize you have an objection to your father and Eva getting married, but I'd like you to reconsider your position.
Now, from what I can see, wouldn't a marriage make the rest of their golden years more fulfilling and rewarding? Look, yeah, I appreciate your concern, but I don't see how it's any of your business.
David, remember when you were seven, and I bought you that bicycle? Dad, if you have something to say to me, - you want to try saying it yourself? - I have, but you haven't listened.
I want your blessing on this marriage.
W-Wait a minute now.
You're old enough.
You don't need my blessing, so what is it? Why are you so stubborn? Why can't you accept Eva? She's a wonderful woman.
And she's so like your mother.
No, she's nothing like my mother.
You obviously don't remember Mom.
You don't want to remember Mom; you want to get married and move on - and forget she ever existed.
- Oh, so that's what all this is about.
David, don't you know I think of your mother every living day? Don't you think that she'd want me to be happy? Oh (mutters) - Um, look, look, may-maybe I should go now.
- (sighing): No.
No.
No, maybe I should.
- How'd it go? - Oh, he's impossible.
But I don't care anymore.
He is not gonna ruin our happiness.
We are gonna get married, Eva, and we're gonna get married right here in this center.
Well, maybe we could fix it up a little.
Uh throw something over Sam.
You do, you lose the whole look of the room.
- I just wish it could be more like family.
- (chuckles) Look, Joseph, Eva, I think my family would be honored if you'd consider having the wedding at our house.
Thank you.
- Oh, Steven, thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
(indistinct chatter) Andrew, aren't weddings lovely? I don't know.
Joseph and Eva are the first one in my crowd to get married.
Oh, Joseph, perfect timing.
Oh, you got to be kidding.
I got here an hour ago.
I've been walking round and round the block.
I'm a nervous wreck.
Also, I've got cold feet.
Cold feet? You aren't having second thoughts, are you? No, my circulation's not too good.
(sighs) I-I just took a peek at the bride.
Eva is wearing her grandmother's wedding dress she looks so lovely.
STEVEN: Oh, Joseph, - good to see you.
- Oh, thank you.
So, my father tells me you're something of a cardplayer.
What? Well, I'm nothing special.
You play? Wha Me? No.
No.
- I'd like to learn, though.
- Yeah, me, too.
Uh, Black Mariah, lowball with a split? One-eyed jacks, kings with the ax? (knocking) Hey there.
I, uh I didn't think you'd come.
Well, uh, up until a few minutes ago, neither did I.
If you've come here to try to stop me, don't.
Uh, no.
No, Dad.
Listen, I-I th I thought a lot about what you said.
Dad, you were right.
Mom would want you to be happy, and-and I do, too.
And I think that Eva is a wonderful woman.
So congratulations.
Thank you, David.
This means more to me than you will ever know.
Well, listen, if, uh if you can possibly forgive me, I'd love to be your best man.
There's no better best man in this room.
(chuckles) Yes.
Mom? The bride's ready.
Oh, um Joseph, uh, Eva is ready.
We can, we can start now.
We can start now, all right? (Mendelssohn's "Wedding March" playing) MALLORY (quietly): Oh, uh, there's one thing I have to ask you before you go down there.
Did anyone talk to you about the wedding night? My mother told me 50 years ago.
I still think I remember some of the basics.
- Okay.
- (Wagner's "Bridal Chorus" playing) (music ends) Friends, we are gathered here to witness a very special union, a union that lends credence to the immeasurable power of love.
Joseph Simmons and Eva Martin will be married here today.
And now Joseph and Eva would like to express in their own words their feelings at this moment.
Eva, at a time when most men are only thinking of the life that is behind them, your love and friendship have given me a gift beyond compare: A future.
Joseph, before I met you, there were seconds, minutes, hours, but they were only ticks of a clock.
Now each moment is a precious jewel to be cherished because it'll be shared with you.
MAN: And so, by the power vested in me by the state of Ohio, I pronounce you husband and wife.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to present for the very first time, Mr.
And Mrs.
Joseph Simmons.
(applause) Steven, I'm so glad we had the wedding here.
The house just feels full of love.
You ever seen a more beautiful bride? Only once, Elyse.
MAN: Sit, Ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(Ubu barks)