It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s07e11 Episode Script

MAC: Dennis, do you have the tickets? DENNIS: Yes, affirmative.
I got the tickets on-line, and I got the last ones.
Charlie, got booze? CHARLIE: So what do you think? I think that's enough booze to last the whole movie, right? ALL: Yes.
We're good, we're good.
Dee, time? SWEET DEE: Uh, we have just about a half hour.
Precisely, you bitch! I need to know precisely.
FRANK: Oh, the city is like a zoo.
I mean, traffic jam like you wouldn't believe.
Obama's got the whole thing congested.
Oh, goddamn it, Mac.
I told you there was gonna be traffic, dude.
I forgot about Obama! We still have time.
We still have time.
No, but, dude, traffic's gonna jam us up, man.
No, no, no, we can make it, okay? Time for what? Time for what? Where are you going? We gonna go see Thundergun Express, man.
You know what I'm talking about.
What the shit is a Thundergun? Are you crazy, dude? It's, like, the greatest movie ever made.
It's about this warrior from a post-apocalyptic underground society who has to travel back in time to save his lover from an evil robot army.
(Frank laughs) Whoo "No hesitation.
" "No surrender.
ALL: No man left behind!" It's only the biggest movie in America.
Whoa, that sounds the tits.
I'm in.
No.
How? How? No.
You do not have a ticket.
Yeah.
You didn't buy me a ticket? I'm sorry.
What am I? Your daddy? Yeah, I don't just buy tickets for people.
Yeah.
Well, I'll tell you what? I'll take Deandra's ticket.
You don't like action movies.
I don't know, Frank.
This is just as much a love story as anything else.
Plus, I hear the guy hangs dong, and I'm very interested in seeing that.
Me, too.
Yeah, yeah, he hangs dong.
Mm-hmm.
What the hell am I gonna do? Well, get out of the way, 'cause we gotta go.
Yeah.
The clock's ticking.
Let's, let's go.
Thundergun! This blows, dude! Drive faster.
Drive faster? Where would you like for me to go? I'm surrounded by cars, Charlie.
It's all these goddamn immigrants come in to see Obama.
And none of them have any insurance.
That's why they drive so slow.
Why are you even here? The movie is sold out.
I'm gonna scalp a ticket.
Oh, shit! I didn't bring my wallet.
You guys gotta spot me some dough.
(laughs) I ain't giving you shit.
Oh, I'll sneak in.
I sneak in all the time.
I just hope we get there in time to all sit together.
I don't like to split up.
Nah, don't worry about it.
If we get split up, we'll just yell over everybody to each other until they get annoyed with us and switch.
You call in a bomb threat, that would delay the picture.
That would be very Thundergun.
We're gonna have to do something drastic if Dennis doesn't figure out a way to drive faster.
Yeah, come on, man.
Where would you like for me to drive? He misses all of his angles.
Well, you can slide in front of that Prius.
Go in front of that Prius.
Oh, okay, so then I'll be stuck in front of the Prius instead of right next to the Prius.
It's a bigger problem than that guys.
He's slow at everything.
You should see how long it takes him to bang chicks.
Mac, that's because you always try and barge in so you can see the chicks naked.
And then I have to start the process all over again.
But you waste so much time talking to them when you should be plowing them.
No, you don't get it, dude.
You don't get what I'm Look, I'm forging a connection with these women that will yield for them the most awakening and unforgettable sexual experience of their lives.
Whatever! I don't care about any of this! We're gonna miss the movie! Yeah, come on.
Hey, Thundergun it up on the curb.
Yes, go on the curb! Thundergun it all the way down.
Thundergun's not a verb.
Stop using it as a verb.
There's nothing I can do.
It's the man's name.
Just calm down.
We'll get there.
Well, I tell you one thing.
I could walk faster than we're moving.
What are you guys doing? Oh, wait! Get back here, you sons of bitches! (car horn honking) Thundergun leaves no man behind! We'll come back for you! Are you kidding me? Come on! (horn honking) (horns honking) Damn.
Please.
Shit.
All the streets are blocked.
Hey, let's ask this cop.
Excuse me, Officer.
Uh, we need to get through.
I can't help you.
The street's closed down all the way to Spring.
Yeah, but this is an emergency.
It's not my problem.
You gotta go around.
(grunts) All right, we gotta find a new point of entry.
Attack the target from a different angle.
Whoa! Hold on.
What are you talking about attacking?! No, no, no, we're not terrorists or anything.
We're just We're trying to get to a movie, Thundergun Express.
Oh, Thundergun Express, huh? You better get going.
You don't want to miss one second of that movie.
Is it that good? It's the best goddamn movie I ever seen in my life.
(all groan) Dude, hangs dong.
I told them that! I told them! I don't want to miss that! All right, maybe we take a cab.
What about that? A cab? Dee, don't be a fool! We'll never get a cab out here.
Plus, we'll just sit in traffic like everybody else.
Yeah, we'll be stuck like Dennis.
(trolley bell dings) The trolley! The trolley.
We can make it, Frank! Come on! Yes.
No surrender, baby! Come on! Come on, Frank.
I'm coming.
Come on.
You can make it.
I'm coming.
No, no, no, no, no! I'm not gonna make it.
No, hop off! Hop Don't leave me here! We'll come back for you! You bastards! (horns honking) "You take too long.
You take too long, Dennis.
" Screw you, Mac.
I don't take that long.
I'll show you who takes too long.
Son of a bitch.
Let's see.
We got Amanda, we got Brenda.
Ah, Alison.
Let's find out if Alison thought that I, that I took too long.
ALISON: Too bad the museum is closed on Wednesdays.
I know.
I guess we can hang out here and get to know each other instead.
That's a good one.
(clicking) What's with all the locks? I want you to feel safe.
(tape fast forwarding) So your father took off when you were pretty young, huh? That must have been difficult.
Yeah, I could probably speed things up a little bit.
I mean Thanks very much.
Careful now.
There you go.
Watch your step, ladies.
Very good.
Thank you.
Hey, guy, can you can you take me up the river? I gotta get a mile up the river.
Tour is $15.
I left my wallet at home.
I only got a, I got a quarter to my name.
Look, I can't help you, pal.
All right, folks.
Everybody, take your seats.
I'll be right back.
We'll get this tour underway, okay? Hang in there.
I swear, I'll take care of you when I get up there.
Sorry, dude.
Hi, I'm your new captain, Frank.
I'm gonna take you up the river, okay? Here we go.
What happened to Captain Tom? Uh, Captain Tom turned out to be a goddamn junkie! Hang on.
(passengers gasp) You, uh, you're going too fast.
Huh? Too fast.
It's the, it's the fast tour.
It's the quick one.
Quick tour.
(men speaking native language) Why aren't you telling us what anything is? Like what? What is that building over there? Uh, that's a big building.
It's a brick building, red brick building.
I don't know that the hell it is.
It's a old building.
(clamoring in native language) Can you please use microphone? Very difficult for people to hear in back, okay? Oh, oh, the microphone.
Okay.
All right.
(spits) You hear that? Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Well, we're on the Schuylkill River, and, uh, it's home to many, uh, weird fish-like creatures.
And also the depository of, uh, all of the unsolved crimes and murders in Philadelphia.
(group murmuring with interest) Yeah.
That trolley kicked ass.
We're just like a couple blocks from the theater, I think.
Yeah.
Thundergun himself would have been proud of that move.
Of course, he'd be proud.
We didn't hesitate.
We didn't surrender.
Yeah.
We did leave a couple men behind, though.
That's true.
But we didn't hesitate to leave those men behind.
Yeah.
Plus, I hung dong on the trolley.
You guys missed that.
No, I didn't miss it.
I saw it.
I just chose to ignore it.
I saw it.
Looked like a button in a fur coat.
Either way, it was totally Thundergun.
If Thundergun's dong looks like that, we should all get our money back.
Yeah, I'm walking out of the movie.
It was more of a ding than a dong really, Mac.
I got a lot of good ones and thumbs up and (car horn honking) Aw.
Goddamn it.
Another closure.
All right, think, think.
What would Thundergun do right now? Oh, shit.
Okay, listen, hear me out.
Let's fire down that sewer.
Frank and I do it all the time.
I know my way around.
We'll be over there in a jiff.
Uh, I don't know.
Sewer, huh? All right, let's do it.
We've come this far, right? Right? No, no, no, no.
Our clothes will get soaking wet.
It's going to ruin the whole movie.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
I know what it is.
He's scared he's going to be too fat to fit down that gutter.
That is what it is.
No, it isn't.
It has nothing to do with it.
Look, sewers are disgusting, that's why.
Your big fat body is what's disgusting.
And you're embarrassed about it.
We are not going in the sewer, and that is final.
(car horn honking) Oh, oh, yeah? Ah.
Guys, guys, guys, come on.
Don't goddamn it.
I'm coming through, guys.
Here I come.
Here I come.
Oh, wait.
Oh, you know what? It turns out I-I am I am too muscular, and I-I can't fit through.
Look like you're stuck, huh? Well, yeah.
So my-my-my muscles stop me from gaining access.
Sorry, Mac.
Why don't you guys come out, and then I'll tell you what? We'll come back for you.
Yeah.
That's what I told Dennis and Frank, and I was lying.
I know.
So are we! You sons of bitches! Oh, you sons of bitches! You sons of bitches! Out of the way, you fat dickhead.
(car horn honking) Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
No surrender.
No surrender.
Shitty bike.
(car horns honking) (rewinds tape) (on tape): You seem cold.
Perhaps you'd be more comfortable under the covers.
Now, we're talking.
Okay, Alison.
All right.
Hey, hey, guys.
What are you do Mac, can we help you? Goddamn, Mac.
Oh, oh, I thought I heard you call my name.
I did not call your name.
Oh, okay.
Well, I'll be right outside if you need anything.
We're not gonna need anything, okay? If fact, go ahead and leave the keys in here.
Now I have to re-demonstrate my values, so that's gonna increase the time.
(locks clicking on tape) I think I need to be getting home.
My mom is going to start to worry.
Wait.
Your mom? How old are you? Sixteen.
Sixteen?! No get what are you get Whoa, shit.
That's not good.
Why do I still have this tape? That's ridiculous.
(car horns honking) Goddamn it.
Shit.
Well, now, this is an interesting development.
(mouthing) I gotta say, Charlie, this sewer is pretty gross, but it's not nearly as gross as I thought it was gonna be.
No, it's no bad now.
But like any minute, you know, a wall of water could just come gushing through here.
So we should keep moving.
Wait, wall of water? Yeah, well, you know, it's not just water.
It's like dog shit and street sludge.
You know, they divert it to different channels throughout the day.
Oh, my God.
You know, it's sewage.
It's sewage.
Yeah.
Oh, you know what, Dee? Dee? Can we get naked really quick? No.
Oh, right.
Do you mind if I do? Mm-hmm.
Well, see the thing is, like, if a, if a wall of water comes through, it's actually pretty sweet to be naked 'cause then you can hold your clothes up.
You know, and then that piss and shit just kind of flows over you.
It's more refreshing than you think.
And then you have dry clothes afterwards.
And it's a lot better than having the sewage on your clothes.
I understand.
And I'm a little relieved, but it's still not good enough for, so I'm going to keep my clothes on.
Oh, look at Queen Dee, who's too good to get naked with her buddy all of a sudden.
Okay, I don't why are you making it about that? I just I didn't want You know what? t? This is a preposterous conversation we're having.
This is a functional conversation.
This is a preposterous conversation.
This is not a sexual thing.
You know what? Let's just go.
Let's just go.
There's no walls of water.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Shit.
My shoe's stuck.
Well, pull it out.
If I could pull it out, would it be stuck? Take your shoe off.
I'm not going to take my shoe off and walk around barefoot in this disgusting sewer.
Oh, the queen again, everyone.
The queen speaks.
Shut up.
Charlie, we don't have time for this.
I have an idea, though.
Why don't you take your shoes off and give them to me? No, you'll stretch mine out.
No, come on, Charlie, you were fine taking all your clothes off and walking around in this gross place.
Dee, you'll stretch them out.
All right, Charlie, stop screwing around, okay? We're going to miss the movie.
No, we're You're right.
Where are you going? What are you doing? I'll come back for you.
No.
No.
I'll come back for you.
Don't don't you do that.
Don't you Charlie, get back here right now! Goddamn it! Oh, goddamn it! Aw, man! Come on.
Come on.
(rumbling) What is that? What is that? Charlie? Is that the wall of water? No, Charlie.
Charlie, I hear the wall of water! Come back for me! (screams) So they'll send a tow truck and everything? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't worry about that.
Tow truck is on its way.
I see you were born 1985.
Si.
Yeah, so everything checks out there.
Beautiful.
Oh, it's so cool that you own a chain of auto body repair shops.
I wish I new how to fix cars.
Oh, yeah.
Well, auto body repair has always been a bit of a passion of mine.
I also invented Facebook with the Winklevoss twins.
Really? Yeah, yeah.
Zuckerberg didn't do shit.
Yeah, he really screwed us on that one.
I got some hush money, so it's all good.
It's all good.
But, uh, I don't want to waste anymore time here, so No man left behind! Goddamn it, Mac.
What the hell are you doing here? I came back for you like I said I would, like Thundergun does.
Who's the brown girl? Uh, Elena.
We got into a little bit of a fender bender.
She was on her way to see Thundergun, too.
What are the odds of that, huh? I seen it twice already.
Oh, it's amazing.
What's with the helmet, bro? Pretty cool, huh? Yeah, bonito.
Dude, the helmet is sweet as shit.
It's very Thundergun.
(car horn honking) I'm going to wear it during the movie.
(car horn honking) Looks like traffic is clearing up, huh? Yeah, it does.
All right.
Punch it.
And Charlie and I, we go down the sewer.
And first thing we do is to preserve our clothes, we take take our clothes off.
We get totally naked because you don't want to get wet.
We ball our clothes up.
We stick them up some place high.
There's this waitress who Charlie's in love with.
And, uh, I banged her.
Charlie got really upset when I banged the waitress.
Uh, but it was a lot of fun.
She was a nice piece of ass.
We don't know who you're talking about.
Charlie.
He's my buddy.
We sleep together.
We hang out together.
Once I pooped in the bed.
I blamed it on him.
(laughs) One time the guys got hooked on crack.
It was really crazy.
Well, they found a baby in a Dumpster.
They wanted to make some money with the baby, but nobody would buy the baby because it was white.
So they had to turn it brown.
We were fighting over the sword.
And just about when we were about to hit each other with the sword, Social Services came in, thought we were killing the baby.
I-I don't understand this tour.
Charlie wrote this musical.
Oh, man, it was really funny.
I played a troll on the musical.
A troll? Yeah.
And it's called The Nightman Cometh.
I could sing you my song, if you like.
(speaking native language) You gotta you gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole.
Yeah, and, uh But you gotta pay to get in.
I was saying, "soul.
" He thought I was saying, "boy's hole.
" One of the things I like doing most is banging whores.
I, uh, I go out and bang a lot of whores.
Listen, here's the thing.
I'm going to have to jump off here.
So you guys enjoy the rest of the tour on your own, okay? How are we supposed to get back to our tour bus? That's your problem.
Welcome to Philly.
(all yelling) No hesitation.
Nah, no surrender.
No hesitation.
No surrender.
No surrender.
No surrender.
No surren (siren whoops) Oh, shit.
I surrender.
Coming soon to a theater near you.
All right, okay, there's a nice way to do that.
There's a nice way to do that.
From the director Ooh! Aah! That's tart.
This seat taken right here? Charlie, you made it.
What's up, Mac?! I got a seat right in the middle, bro.
Aw, dude, that's an awesome helmet, man.
Thanks, dude.
Yo, where's Dee? Uh, she couldn't make it, bro.
Wasn't Thundergun enough.
How about Dennis? Oh, yeah, he's here.
He's Thundergunning some Mexican chick in the back.
Nice.
He's moving a lot faster than usual, huh? I think he's getting a hand job.
Oh, I am.
Hand job.
Hey, can you guys, uh, maybe be quiet? Well, why don't you switch seats with us if it's bothering you so much.
Just switch seats, you know what I mean? Just switch seats.
Yeah, okay.
All right.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Squeeze in, squeeze in.
Hey, Dee, you made it.
Yeah, you bet your ass I made it.
Charlie, my clothes are dry.
You held them over your head? Took them all off.
Held them over my head.
I told you that water was coming.
No problem.
Yeah.
Excuse me, Miss? Yeah.
But your stench is unbearable.
It's bad, isn't it? Yes.
That's shit in my hair, that's why.
What if you switch seats, and then I can be closer to those guys and you can Babe, let's get outta here.
We won't smell as much, and then you won't hear all the talking and Congratulations.
This is a much better seat.
So the water wall came, huh? Yeah, came with a vengeance.
Dennis is getting a hand job in the back.
Seriously? Yeah.
Oh, congratulations.
Well, we're all here.
Except Frank.
I wonder where Frank is? Okay, you got one phone call, make it quick.
Thank you, ma'am.
911.
What is your emergency? I'd like to report a bomb threat.
He's not qualified Would you shut up? The movie's about to start.
Can you shut up? Well, switch with us if you're getting so upset.
Fine.
Yeah, why don't you go up there and then We're having a conversation.
Bad attitude.
Talk about shutting up.
Dennis, you're going to like the seat.
At a certain point, it's your fault, you know what I mean, for not moving.
That's right.
This is Elena, everybody.
Oh! Oh! (fanfare playing) This is going to be bad ass! (audience murmuring) What's going on? Folks, please don't panic, but we've received a bomb threat.
We ask that you remain calm and exit the theater in an orderly fashion.
Bomb threat? No.
Bomb threat? Oh, shit.
Goddamn it, Frank.
He Thundergunned all of us.
He Thundergunned the shit out of us.
Frank?