Parks and Recreation s07e11 Episode Script

Hey.
Hey, guys.
Listen.
Uh, Leslie's gonna walk in and say something that sounds very boring, but is actually a really big deal.
So when I give the signal, just, everybody, cheer like crazy.
Here we go.
Well, someone just officially enrolled in the Senior Executive Service Development Candidate Program at the Department of the Interior.
Surprise! Thanks.
It's a big deal.
So, my promotion is official.
We need to find a place in D.
C.
Because we're gonna be splitting our time.
I guess now is as good a time as any to make my announcement.
Joe and I just closed on a house in Seattle.
Oh, my God.
Cheers.
Well, actually, I have an announcement, too.
After all these years in government, I have decided to finally retire.
This is about people who are moving, Garry.
Not everything is about you.
Good point.
Everyone's scattering.
Well, look at it this way.
Bad news comes in threes, right? We're leaving, April and Andy are leaving, Donna's leaving.
That's three! Also, I'm retiring.
That's three, Garry.
Well, we're probably due for some good news.
Good evening.
I come to you tonight with some good news.
Hey.
Is not a sentence I will be saying to you right now.
Because, beloved Pawnee Mayor Walter Gunderson has died.
Well, you jinxed us, Garry.
Thanks a lot.
Walter Gunderson served Pawnee for 39 years.
And as per his final wish, his body will lie in state, in the city council chambers for a day.
Which is just a real cool thing for a public space.
Also, he sent us a brief video message to be played for this event.
Hello, Pawnee.
My time in office has come to an end.
A lot has been done.
But I wasn't really doing very much.
I wasn't paying attention most of the time.
Fortunately, the citizens of Pawnee didn't pay attention either.
So, uh, if there's credit to take, I will humbly take it.
And if there is blame, it's your fault.
Thank you.
And goodbye forever.
Uh, okay.
Well, that was really something.
People are dying, moving, retiring.
Too many endings, not enough beginnings.
We need something to begin.
And I have just the thing.
An underground dance competition.
I'm realizing I know nothing about the logistics of how to start an underground dance competition.
But someone here will.
Hey, April.
Will you help me out with something? No.
Apparently, as city manager, I'm in charge of appointing an interim mayor until the special election.
So, why don't you just appoint yourself? You're basically running the town anyway.
Well, I was a mayor once before.
We all remember how that went.
Oh, yeah, you completely disgraced yourself and destroyed an entire town.
Yeah, I said we all remember.
Now will you help me find someone? It can be anyone over the age of 30 who's a good symbolic face for the town.
Fine, whatever, I'll help you.
Okay? Thank you.
I told Garry he could help too.
What? Oh, notarizing a new mayor, that is Well, it's like the ultimate notary adventure.
Oh, it's big.
Les-Legally Blonde.
Got you a little gift in New York.
You did.
What did you get me? Ooh-la-la.
Men's Ferragamo loafers.
What am I supposed to do with these? Yeah, you're right, I should probably keep 'em.
They're a size six and a half, too small for you anyway.
How was your trip? Amazing.
Lot of great meetings.
Plus, Lucy and I had the best time.
It's for real, Leslie.
We even went to a jewelry store and looked at rings.
No.
Shia LaBeouf is one hell of a jewelry designer, by the way.
The man's really found his calling.
This is perfect.
What with everything ending, you guys are the happy beginning that we all need.
You should propose to her.
Right now.
Here.
What better place to ask a woman to marry you than an old man's public memorial? Yeah.
I think I'm probably gonna wait.
Plus, Lucy's not in town.
She's in Philadelphia visiting friends.
She gets back tomorrow.
Yeah, you'd probably want her here for that, right? All right.
I'm gonna find April.
I got her a really nice Burberry necktie.
Gunderson was mayor my entire life.
It really makes you consider the postulence of time.
Sure.
Death is natural, Andrew.
We're born, we survive as long as we're useful, and then we're killed, either by our body's natural decay or by those younger and stronger.
Speak for yourself.
Before I die, I'm freezing my head like Ted Williams.
Wait a thousand years, thaw it out, slap it on a robot, Keep on ballin'.
Ron.
Carl.
Donna, Andy, this is Carl.
He owns the deli right next to my barber Salvatore's shop.
It's terrible, isn't it? First Salvatore and now Mayor Gunderson.
What? What happened? Explain yourself.
Oh, Ron, you didn't hear? Salvatore passed away yesterday.
No.
Jesus.
Oh, it can't be.
Was he killed by a younger, stronger barber? And now, here to say a few words is Mayor Gunderson's longtime friend and co-worker, Ethel Beavers.
This is gonna be so sad.
They worked together for a long time.
I'll be brief.
Walter Gunderson and his wife had an open marriage.
It kept him happy.
It kept his wife happy.
Hi, Evelyn.
And it definitely kept me happy.
What is happening? Because for 46 wonderful years, he spent night after night exploring every nook and cranny of my body.
Grow up, you prudes.
We're all adults.
My only regret is that I never told him how I really felt.
So, I'll say it now.
I loved that man, and not just because he was a dynamite lay.
Goodnight, you animal.
Tom.
Listen to Ethel.
Mmm.
No, it's too gross.
No.
Listen to her message.
You can't wait to tell someone how you feel.
Because if you wait, before you know it Boom! Forty-six years later, they're gone.
You're right.
We know we want to be together forever, so why wait? Exactly.
And I will help you with the proposal.
What do you wanna do? Off the top of my head, I guess, my ideal proposal might be a multi-platform media experience.
An action movie, with explosive graphics, fast cars and a hero with one mission, to propose to his lady.
A hero named Tom Haverford.
Oh, yeah! Yes! Oh, um People grieve in different ways.
Listen, if you can't train 200 white doves in the next four hours to spell out "Lucy, will you marry me?", then you have no business calling yourself a pet store.
Why can't everyone share our commitment to the basic concept of outrageous pageantry? I don't know, Tom.
I really don't.
Oh, no.
What do you want, Leslie? Hey, lan.
I need a gigantic banner that says "Congratulations, Lucy and Tom," and I need it by tomorrow.
No way.
Impossible.
Over the past 15 years, I have spent nearly a hundred thousand dollars at your banner store.
I have ordered banners for every personal and professional event that I've ever organized.
My credit card company called me about it, not to question the charges, but to sincerely ask me if I was mentally stable.
See that Rolex Submariner on your wrist, bro.
That's 'cause of Leslie.
You'll have the banner done.
Hey, Bobby.
Thanks for coming in.
Good to see you guys.
It's been a while.
How's Leslie? Is she still, um Uh Oh.
What was that thing we ran for, again? City Councilor.
Well, all right.
If you say so.
I tell ya, it's so hard to remember boring stuff like that.
Choosing to ignore what you just said, we need an interim mayor, just for two months.
And given your family name and how well-liked you are, I thought you might be interested.
What, mayor? Yeah.
Man, that would be fun.
God, I don't think I can do it, though.
Yeah, 'cause I'm getting ready to go on a big trip.
To space.
That'll be really fun, too.
Everything in life is always just so fun, right? It really is.
See, this guy knows what's what.
Yeah.
Ooh, uh What's that? Hey, Ben, have you ever been to space? You should check it out.
Seriously.
I'm sure the Russian guys who built the rocket would be cool with it.
Really? Just one thing.
Do you have $600,000? - That's what they need for the deposit.
- Oh.
Well, no.
APRIL: I've already been to space.
I was the second person to walk on the moon.
Buzz Aldrin, nice to meet you.
Nice try.
That's the guy from Toy Story.
We're so sorry, Ron.
You guys were close? I've seen Salvatore the first Tuesday of the month for the past four decades.
Same exact thing every time.
I paid him $8.
I sat in the same chair, Salvatore put the same cape over me.
And then he'd always ask me about the same thing.
Nothing.
It was perfect.
I can't delay this forever.
Excuse me.
The three most important people in a man's life are his barber, his butcher and his lover.
I have lost one of those.
Here's a tenner, Sal.
As you know I don't believe in tipping, so I will collect my change from your wife.
I had an appointment with Salvatore scheduled for Tuesday.
Look how raggedy my hair is.
What am I supposed to be, some kind of rock star? Okay, Tom, there's your mark, you'll enter from the front.
Ted, are we rolling? I think so.
I don't really know.
Just please be careful with my store? Okay! Quiet on the set! Action.
'Allo, would you like to see some rings, Agent Haverford? Why are you doing an accent? I came up with a backstory for my character.
She's married to a French billionaire, and she has a twin sister, identical, and they keep Leslie, you have one line.
Well, I committed to the role! 'Allo.
Would you like to see some gorgeous jewelry? We have the most rare diamonds in the world.
I'll take that one.
The most expensive one.
Not so fast, Haver-fraud.
Oh.
Zut alors! Get him, boys.
Freeze.
Stunt double.
Tom.
Action! Go, my puppets.
Go, my puppets! Fight.
Fight, my puppets! Rack focus.
Pan left.
I don't know what any of that means.
Just get the right Go under the My puppets! Oh, that's it.
Oh, you want the big dog? Is that what you want? You want the big dog? Ahhh! Lucy, your mission, should you choose to accept it is, to marry me.
And cut.
Oh, my gosh.
Tom, that was amazing! No, it wasn't.
You just destroyed my case.
Hey.
It's the movie business, Ted.
You knew the risks.
Okay, everybody in the van.
We're headed to the next location.
You should totally do it.
You'd be an amazing mayor.
Actually, you should be President.
Of the universe.
Oh.
You know, I really would make an incredible mayor.
But sadly, I cannot.
Because I'm only 27 years old.
Really? So, you were born in the 1990s? Ooh! Mmm-hmm.
What a lovely offer, but I think not.
You know, I've got my hands full with my practice, my other businesses, my two terrible children.
I don't think I have time to be mayor.
Hold up.
I will do John Mayer, again.
Daddy, someone set a fire in your car because you took too long and I got bored.
Money, please.
Oh, no.
No, there's no money.
Oh.
My bad, no problem.
Oh, okay.
That's fine.
Um, I'll just destroy this office.
Whoa! Hey! Money, please! Money, please.
I Ben.
Give her some money.
It's easier.
I have to say, The Douche, I'm skeptical that your interest is sincere.
I can understand that.
A morning shock-jock DJ the Mayor? But keep an open mind.
I went to Northwestern.
I've worked on two political campaigns, and I spend all of my time communicating with the public.
That's actually a good point.
I could do some great things for this city.
And some gross things with those juicy City Hall interns.
Ah-guh-guh-goink! Okay.
Well.
Thanks for coming in.
All right, "B".
Let me know.
Yeah.
Ah.
Well, I think we have our answer.
Oh, come on.
Think.
There's got to be someone.
Okay.
Ben.
You know that I despise you, and that I want you and all people on Earth to be miserable.
Right? Sure.
You should be mayor.
You're the best person for the job and you deserve it.
Plus, this would erase Ice Town.
It's been torturing you since you were 18 years old.
And if you became Mayor of Pawnee, you could put it behind you, once and for all.
Ugh.
Being nice made me feel terrible.
My oral office.
What? I'm gonna turn the mayoral office into my oral office.
Boom! Thought of it a second ago, had to pop back in.
"Had to"? Had to.
Buck up, Swanson.
It's like you said, death is natural.
And Sal lived a good, long life.
But so much is changing, and I've never been a fan of change.
Salvatore was a constant in my life.
In my experience, the only "constant" is change.
Oh Nice to see you, Ron.
I couldn't help but overhear.
I sure am sorry about your loss.
Every time we lose a compadre, our collective lantern gets a little bit dimmer.
Hey, you look awful familiar.
Have we met before? I'm sure our souls have collided in one lifetime or another.
No, that's not it.
Are you in my Frisbee golf league? Oh, yeah.
I play for the Super Spinners.
Oh.
I'm on the Frisbee Champs.
Ah, cool.
I named us.
Andrew, stop speaking to this man.
He is the worst human being on Earth.
Oh, come on.
Death makes brothers of us all.
I've always found that when my soul aches with loss, it's best to turn to Eastern wisdom.
This is from the Isle of Islay in Scotland.
This is as eastern as my wisdom gets.
Swanson, this handsome spiritual cowboy may actually be right about turning to the east.
I have an idea.
Trust me? Who cuts your hair? Nobody.
Whenever my hair feels it has completed its journey, it simply sheds itself off.
I hate you so much.
And I love you, my brother.
I'm really glad you were here to help me with all this today.
You've always been there for me, and I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're pretty cool.
I'm cool? I'm cool.
I'm a cool dudette.
Hey.
It's pizza time.
And you've lost it.
No.
Hey, there's Lucy.
Hey, babe.
We're calling this off.
It's all wrong.
Oh, no! Really? Is it because I said, "It's pizza time"? No, but that definitely didn't help.
What's happening? Grab Jean-Ralphio, and get these three things.
And meet me at the Snakehole Lounge in 30 minutes.
I have no idea what's happening, and I'm very scared that everything is falling apart.
But you seem like James Bond right now.
Go! Yes.
Tommy "T", we got you everything you asked for.
I didn't ask for flavored condoms.
Oh, no, no, that's just me looking out for you.
See, girls get mad horny when you propose.
That's why I do it all the time.
Okay, what are we doing? There are hundreds of people waiting for us.
No time to explain, Les, but don't worry, I have a plan.
Fine.
I will leave.
Good luck.
You wanna stay and hide and watch the proposal? Yes.
Yes, of course! Okay, I already picked a place.
Don't follow me! But I'm gonna.
I'm gonna.
I can't believe I'm about to be the mayor.
I can't believe I'm about to notarize it.
Okay.
So, look, just sign right there and then we can let the notary fireworks begin! No.
I don't wanna do this.
Why? I spent so long trying to forget about Ice Town, but it's part of my life.
It set me on this path.
It led me to Pawnee, to my job, to Leslie.
Who knows where I'd be without it.
I like that Ice Town happened.
And I don't wanna erase it.
Okay.
I wasn't listening to anything you just said, but who is gonna be the mayor for the next two months then? Garry Gergich.
How would you like to be the next mayor of Pawnee, Indiana? No! What is all this? The Snakehole Lounge is where we first met.
On our first date, I gave you a single daisy, like this.
And after that we ate late night pancakes at J.
J.
's.
And while we were there, I pulled out a deck of cards, and I tried to show you a magic trick I learned on a David Blaine special.
Unsurprisingly, I failed, and you made fun of me, ruthlessly.
I haven't done this trick in a while, but I think I'm ready to try it again.
Pick a card.
No, no, no.
Go a little bit over to the left.
There you go.
Yes! Really? Yes.
Yay! Oh, my God.
That was so sweet.
It really was.
So, what's your story again? I mean, how married are you? Are you down to clown? You in that rude mood? Why are you like this? Pills, baby! Donna, this is crazy.
Typhoon is an artist and the human head is Is his canvas.
Just listen.
You're gonna cut the man's hair, you're gonna charge him $8.
It will take you four minutes.
So just shut up and make the man look like this.
Fine.
Ugh.
So, Typhoon, what do you like to do for fun? I'm writing an electronic opera about Brittany Murphy, and I do the chandelier design for my friend's drag puppet show.
No further questions.
All I really want to do is dance.
Except lately, all the good warehouse raves are filled with Euro trash.
Euro trash.
I like that.
It is, indeed, a garbage continent.
Yes.
Oh, my God, I had the worst time in Berlin last May.
Everyone was on their stupid bikes.
I was like, "Ew".
Please, talk more about how you hate Europe and bicycles.
Sorry about the audible.
I just realized Lucy doesn't care about all that flashy stuff.
That's not the way to her heart.
Frankly, I'm stunned she's still even into me.
No.
You were right to change course.
It was perfect and beautiful.
There's still a very big celebration awaiting you and your fiancée.
I think Lucy probably wants to hang, just the two of us.
I'll see you later, Jennifer Knope-ez.
Catch you on the flipside, Tom-egranate Juice.
Hey, not bad.
Hey, babe.
Tom got engaged.
Oh, that's awesome.
More good news, I finally found someone to be mayor.
Garry.
Ugh.
I'm so glad we're leaving.
Wait.
You know what? I just had an amazing idea.
Just under the wire.
Oh, Ian, thank you so much.
It's great.
Now, throw it out.
I need a new one, and I need it in 20 minutes.
Look.
If you didn't wanna be on call 24/7 for emergencies, then you should not have gone into the high-stakes world of banner making! What the hell is all this about? You'll see.
Well, I got to say, that was a heck of a lot of fun.
All my life What on Earth? I prayed for someone like you Happy Inauguration Day, buddy.
Aw, jeez.
Leslie I thank God That I That I finally found you All my life, I pray for someone like you And I hope that you feel the same way, too Yes, I pray that you The passing of our beloved Mayor Gunderson marks the end of an era.
But we are about to begin a new chapter in Pawnee's history.
Ladies and gentlemen, the new mayor of the great city of Pawnee, Indiana, Garry Gergich! I just wanna say And I hope that you feel the same way, too I'm flying! Yes, I pray that you do love me too