Scrubs s07e11 Episode Script

Hey, J.
D.
You keep wheeling them in, I'll keep wheeling them out.
Awesome appropriateness, Doug.
Carol, we're ready for our sponge bath.
Thank you, Carol.
Hey, why was your baby boy dressed like Caesar this morning? I don't have clothes for Sam at my house so I just cut arm and leg holes in a pillowcase.
The gold belt was just so he wouldn't feel ridiculous.
J.
D.
, you're a parent now.
You gotta be better prepared.
Yep.
That's why we just stocked up on extra baby oil, lotion and diapers.
Why? Is there a party this weekend? Recently we realised that with Todd, if we didn't move and stayed very quiet, he'd eventually get confused and leave.
Anyway, much like one-hit-wonder Natalie lmbruglia, I'm torn.
You see, on one hand, I'm tempted to side with the Gandhis.
You do need to buy Sam some clothes.
On the other hand, ever since you two made a baby you've become an even more annoying two-headed know-it-all.
You hear that, Perry? That's the sound of your hate bouncing off our love.
Attention, dum-dums.
Many of you have been disregarding the hospital's 12-hour shift policy.
Now, I don't care if you think your patients need you, when your shift is over, I want you to go home to your sad, empty lives.
Tired doctors make mistakes and the hospital is liable.
Believe me, you do not want to find yourself in a court of law.
Tell them what happens there, Ted.
Well, we'll all wear long black robes and beautiful white, curly wigs.
- That's England, Ted.
- Are you sure? Anyway, from now on, anyone caught working after their shift is over will be sent home immediately and docked a full day's pay.
Well, Marian, your hepatitis test came back negative.
That's good, right? Yes and no.
I still don't know what's wrong with you.
Well, you'll figure it out.
You're a good doctor.
Will do.
Hey, I'm going to lunch.
I took her culture to the lab for you.
- Thanks, Keith.
- Yeah.
Wow, sounds like he's finally over you.
No, he's still alternating between angry name calling and whiny pleas to get back together.
Although, he did agree to be civil while he's inside the hospital.
- Hello? - Why won't you love me? - Why don't you - See you tomorrow, Keith.
Can you believe a month ago you were gonna marry him and I was gonna move in with Kim and then it all fell apart when we had that "almost moment" in the on-call room.
You know, we never talked about that.
What's there to talk about? You just tried to kiss me.
I tried to kiss her? What the hell? Wait a second.
There's nobody here to see my "what the hell" face.
What is it? And make it quick so you don't bore me.
A few months ago, Elliot and I almost kissed.
- But now, she's saying - Well, you tried your best.
Now, leave me alone.
Slaggy, you're up.
A genetic defect that presents with anaemia and causes copper build-up in the liver and other organs, - destroying them.
- What is Wilson's disease? - Yes.
- Yes! In your face! In your face! What annoying thing is happening now? They're playing Diagnosis Jeopardy.
When you win you get to gloat.
It's so stupid.
You never got to gloat, did you? I don't believe in gloating.
It's tacky.
A condition in which the patient speaks in previously unknown dialect due to severe brain trauma.
What is Foreign Accent Syndrome! Yes! In your faces! Or should I say in your faces.
Hello, governor.
Throw another shrimp on the barbie for me.
Wait, that's Irish.
You're an idiot.
Now, I have to go start work.
Because in spite of all of you, I'm going to have a great day.
That was the worst day I've have ever had.
Daddy's home! Come here, little Jackie boy.
Give me a big kiss.
I love you, puppy.
Good night.
Where the hell are you going? It's your night to tell him a story.
Oh, no, no, no.
I couldn't be more wiped out.
The nanny's mom died and I had to spend the whole day sprinting around the house trying to avoid having conversations with her.
You don't see me crying about it.
So suck it up and spin a yarn.
Yeah, Dad, suck it up.
Okay, Jackie.
Will do.
There was once a nurse, a surgeon, a doctor and an idiot.
Does this hat make me look fly? Perry, he's four.
No hospital stories.
Fine.
There was once a two-headed witch, a princess and a village idiot.
Does this hat make me look flyeth? It jingles when I shake it.
- Are you all tucked in there? - Yep.
Okay, here we go.
Once upon a time, a long time ago, there was a little village known as Sacred Heartia.
Damn it, Giant.
Why is this village so filthy? Well, irritable townswoman of colour, it could be because this town's roads are paved with mud.
Or maybe it's because I've been swabbing everyone's porch with ox urine.
I jest.
Only yours.
You know why? You've been telling people I eat babies.
I don't eat babies.
With babies, it's a minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.
I eat toddlers.
I thought you said she'd be dead already.
Come back later.
Say, do you have any babies Toddlers on that cart? - Nope.
- Well, off to work.
On the outskirts of town, the Princess' handmaiden was in dire straits, so Her Highness sent out a call for help.
Good morrow.
That's funny, I requested someone strong and brave.
And yet here stands the Village Idiot.
Hey, I'm brave.
I just saved this fish from drowning.
Off you go, little buddy.
He's tired now.
Earlier he was dancing all around.
- Run free! Run! - Now, this was no ordinary idiot.
He was a colossal idiot.
I mean, such an idiot that other idiots would - Daddy! - I'm very sorry, dear, I just wanted to be real clear with you about how big an idiot he actually was.
In any case, the Princess and the Idiot had had a sordid past.
Look, Your Highness, I just came by so you could apologise for saying I tried to kiss you, when, in fact, it was your royal tongue that tried to storm my mouth-castle.
That's not how I recall it.
Come on.
You closed your eyes and started heaving your bosoms up and down and up and down.
Yeah, that's called breathing.
I'm doing it now.
I know.
Can I rest my face on them and ponder what you've said? - No! - Okay.
My poor maiden is being tormented by a terrible monster.
She grows weaker by the minute.
A monster? I mean, she looks ill, but I think it's a bit of a leap to say it's the work of a monster.
There's a monster in there.
J.
D.
, she's febrile, her liver's enlarged, and her kidneys are shutting down.
Are you gonna help me or not? I will.
Keith? Perhaps if I can save your maiden, the soil of your heart will soften so I can once again plant the seed of our love.
Yeah, look, Prince, this? It's not happening, okay? Time to move on.
Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get back the key to my chastity belt.
Fine.
Come along, Peppermint.
That is gonna make so many things so much easier.
Why'd you send him away? We could've used his help.
- We - Can help your Highness.
The Turla was once two separate witches.
But when they married, they merged into one.
It made for some awkward situations.
- That's - What l'm talking about! Turla, how can we defeat the monster? - We - Must go to the delicatessen.
What? I knew they just did that alternating words thing to bug me.
Now, meet us at the potion shop so we can get a spell to stop that monster.
But first, we must stop at the drugstore.
I need to pick up something for her time of the month.
It's our time of the month.
Is that why I keep crying for no damn reason? 'Cause I didn't ask for this.
- Do we look fat? - We look beautiful, baby.
- You sure? - We do.
- How are we gonna get there? - Don't worry.
I got a sweet ride.
This is mortifying.
Don't listen to her, Sasha.
Idiot, I have to ask.
How do you get your hair like that? You like it? I do it myself.
It's one part horse manure, one part river mud and a touch of my special ingredient.
More horse manure.
It's the Dark Lord's toadie.
My master approaches.
Prepare yourselves for his untamed vengeance.
The Dark Lord Oslek was the evil ruler of the entire land.
Hey, gang.
How you holding up? That is a sharp-looking donkey.
Told you.
No speaking! A warning to all.
Any who dare set foot in my Forbidden Forest shall forever disappear.
I was in the Forbidden Forest earlier today and I'm still here.
Where'd he go? Where'd he go? What? Where Murphy's shift ended 20 minutes ago and he was still here.
So now he's going home without pay.
If anyone would like to join him, test me.
I should at least take that body downstairs.
I said out! Take care of that.
Oh, man.
There goes my back.
Were you guys able to get that C-Diff test I ordered? Lab's all backed up.
We need those results now.
- I'll handle this.
- I'll stay here.
- God help me, I wish you could.
- God help me, I wish you could.
We need a monster-fighting potion.
Sorry, this customer here is next.
What the hell are you? I'm the Fairy Toddsomething.
Well, step aside, lest ye be dealt with.
Turk, wand.
Yeah, about the wand, I may have let the Idiot borrow it.
Oh, man.
You know, I have a big wand if you want to hold it.
Of course, when it comes to magic I just do this.
Banana hammock! Fairy-Five.
Turk, no! You don't let us go first, I'll never let him high-five you again.
After you.
Still-Can-High-Five-Five? Coming at you.
I love slapping people five.
Your shoelace is untied.
Hey.
Thanks, man.
You know how dangerous this is? My uncle's whole family was killed by an untied lace.
Christmas morning, they're all running down the stairs, they tripped, and a madman hacked them all to pieces.
I owe you one.
Can't wait.
Guess who got the lab results? You guys are amazing.
Damn.
C-Diff is negative.
She's getting worse and we're not any closer to figuring out why.
I gotta page him.
And now we wait.
Hey, can you get rid of this tail? No problem, buddy.
I meant with magic! He's here.
And then, before them, appeared the bravest, most handsome knight that any of them had ever seen.
Princess.
Princess.
Brave Knight, my poor maiden is being held captive by a monster that can't be beaten.
There is no such thing as a monster that can't be beaten.
Hey, you, hang on to that.
You know, I miss hanging out with you.
Like, alone.
There's not much I can do.
Last night, I had some grog with a guy whose hutmate is a barrel maker.
Let's just say, the guy has a saw Be careful or I'll make your chin disappear.
Oh, too late.
That's not nice.
Look.
The battle has begun.
My name is Percival Cox.
You're killing my friend.
Prepare to die.
That's new.
I don't know what's scarier, the monster or that scary old lady.
What scary old lady? Very funny.
Perry, it's his bedtime.
- But, Jordan - But, Mom No buts.
Lights out.
Jackie.
Would you like to hear the rest of the story? Yeah.
Let's see.
Where was I? I remember.
Scoot over a second.
Give me some sugar.
All right.
The Knight was getting his ass kicked.
That's new.
What's the monster like? Is he nice? That monster cannot be slain by sword alone.
Baby, maybe you could lull the monster to sleep by telling him one of them boring-ass stories about your family.
That's it.
Are you out your mind, woman? We only got one ball! You were saying? The only way to save your fair maiden is to go to the Forbidden Forest, and find the Golden Ring.
The Golden Ring? Why? Because finding the diagnosis is the only way to help her.
Right now, you're just treating symptoms that are leading you down the wrong road.
You need to go back to the beginning.
Back to every textbook, every case study you ever read.
And most importantly, to find the Golden Ring, you must remember what you heard when you weren't even listening.
"Remember what you heard when you weren't even listening"? What the hell does that mean? I don't know, but I can't find anything in here to explain her kidney malfunction, her lack of clotting and the internal bleeding.
I feel like we're just getting lost deeper in the woods.
- Your ass is bleeding.
- Sasha, are you okay? No, Idiot, your ass is bleeding.
I know.
My tail was ripped off.
If it doesn't scab over, my soul will leak out.
Why were you looking at my ass anyway, Princess? Missing what you could have had when you tried to kiss me earlier? Good morrow.
Idiot.
Princess.
You shouldn't be in the Forbidden Forest.
The Dark Lord is near! Hide! Come on, Sasha.
Evening.
They're gone.
Thanks.
Our shifts ended a half hour ago.
We would've been screwed.
Well, this counts as the one I owe you.
Fine, we're even.
Excellent.
I'm going to miss those two.
They never once spit on me.
You seem like a nice enough guy.
Why are you still working for Lord Oslek? I tell most people it's because I'm under an evil spell, but really, it's a self-confidence thing.
Yeah, I get that.
Say, you want to go hollow out some villagers and use them as kites? Do I! I can't believe I'm gonna die with you.
Who said anything about dying? It's probably just some harmless torture.
He's right, it's not that bad.
Since we meet our fate together, I should tell you.
'Twas I that tried to kiss you.
No, my lady.
We tried to kiss each other.
And I know we were both running away from things, but do you think that near kiss meant anything? There's only one way to find out.
Almost there, okay.
Can you Little bit of tongue maybe? Your time has come! You're both suspended.
You can't do that.
This is my hospital.
I can do whatever I want.
Get it? Sir, you can't suspend me, I'm private practice.
And I've had zero patient interaction, so there's no liability issue.
So this can't come back to me? - No.
- No.
Then get out.
A dab of manure Now where were we in that dungeon? Focus.
We have to save my maiden.
But how are we supposed to find the Golden Ring in an endless forest? Remember what you heard when you weren't even listening.
Am I imagining him? Lmagining who? Asked and answered.
Hey, Idiot.
Down here.
What's up, bro? Wood nymphs.
I just remembered something.
I was barely listening.
A genetic defect that presents with anaemia and causes copper build-up in the liver and other organs, - destroying them.
- What is Wilson's disease? It's Wilson's disease.
This is for you.
The Golden Ring.
We must make haste back to the maiden.
To Sasha! - We're doomed.
- It's okay, I still have Turla's wand.
What in the hell is going on? Let me try that again.
Now that's more like it.
Hold this.
Hang on, Maiden.
We're here.
How do we know for sure it's Wilson's disease? She'll have copper deposits around her iris.
What does it look like? A little golden ring.
That's a great diagnosis.
What are her chances? Well, we've done all we can.
Now she needs a new liver.
We just got to hope she gets one in time.
And with the monster gone, all was once again well in Sacred Heartia.
The Turla made peace with itself.
Beautiful kites were flown.
Yeah! And the Knight rode off to fight again.
And the Idiot and the Princess, well, they decided that their almost kiss meant nothing.
Because in the end, they were both idiots.
What about the maiden? What do you think, Jack? She lived happily ever after.
Go to sleep.
I love you very much.
So? So what? So did the girl make it? Did she get a liver in time? Is that how it really ended? Let's just say, that's the way I'm telling it.