The Neighborhood (2018) s07e11 Episode Script
Welcome to the e-Neighborhood
1
Why you gon' do that? ♪
I got a sweet tooth ♪
[SONG CONTINUES PLAYING]
[SONG STOPS PLAYING]
Hey, why'd you turn
that off? I was groovin'.
I think you just answered
your own question, Dave.
Oh, hey, honey. How was your run?
Oh, awesome.
So much better than paying
for an expensive gym.
I got clipped by a skateboarder
and stepped on
what I hope was burrito, but
but still, we're saving a fortune.
Yeah, and it's for a good cause.Yeah.
Well, you know, you
could just send Grover
to a free public school
and not step on burritos.
No sacrifice is too
great for my baby boy.
Oh, this is not burrito.
Hey, uh,
did you happen to run down Cresthaven?
Dave, I did not pick any
figs off that guy's tree.
Dave, are you stealing figs?
It's not stealing.
The figs are hanging
over a public sidewalk.
Therefore, per municipal code,
these are the people's figs.
Well, I'm with the fig guy.
Who is this, anyway?
I don't know, really.
I've only ever interacted
with him on SidewalkTalk.
On Side what now?
It's a neighborhood app.
Tina knows what I'm talking
about. I've seen her on there.
Ugh, barely.
I hate that app.
All people do is talk trash.
Yeah, but it's also a great way
to keep up with what's
going on around here
and communicate with our neighbors.
Why do you need an app?
You got a mouth.
Yes, but by using the app,
I can avoid awkward confrontations.
And this whole fig thing could
resolve itself peacefully.
Also,
this app is handy for
all kinds of stuff.
Look at this. Recommendations
for gardeners,
finding a lost pet.
I mean, look at this cute
little girl on Marengo.
"Please help me find
Yertle the Turtle." Aw.
That's actually a tortoise,
so his name should be Yortoise.
Well, the only reason
I even have the app
is for the section where people
give away stuff they don't want.
Give away? Like free?
- Ooh, I like free.
- Okay.
Wow. Humidifier, Ping-Pong table.
- [GASPS] Hey, a treadmill. I could use that.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, you know, I'll grab my
keys, I'll drive you over.
Okay. Ooh, and, uh,
get me some more figs.
Steal your own damn fruit.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
♪
There are so many cute babies here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but
Daphne's the cutest.
Agreed, agreed.
I'm not judging, but
that baby over there?
He can't sit up yet.
Wow.
Daphne's been able to
sit up for a month now.
Uh-huh. I mean, not judging. I'm sure
that baby's good at other things.
COURTNEY: Oh, damn.
That baby's holding her own bottle.
Daphne's so behind.
[MUTTERING]
Hello, friends.
My name is Teacher
Hannah, and I'm so happy
to see some new faces today.
Let's start off with five
minutes of free play.
What's wrong?
Nothing. Uh, I-I know
Teacher Hannah from high school.
Oh.
Hi, welcome.
Who is this cutie?
Uh, well, this is
my daughter, Daphne.
And, of course, I
need no introduction.
Have you been here before?
No, no. Uh, Hannah
[CHUCKLES]
It's me, Marty Butler.
Uh-huh.
We went to high school together.
Oh! Um
Were you in Ms.
Kittay's English class?
No. No, I was in honors English.
We went to junior prom together.
- Oh, my God!
- Yeah.
Marty.
Oh, of course.Ah Oh.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
You look exactly the same.
I know, which is why
this is so hurtful.
I used to have the
cutest nickname for him.
Oh, I wish I could remember.
Oh, what-what was it?
Uh, I doubt any of us remember it.
Farty Marty.
God.
Is that really the cutest nickname?
Well, you turned out great.
And your wife is beautiful.
Oh, no, she's not. She
I I mean No
Y-Yes. Yes, she is beautiful, but
we are not a couple.
We're just friends and
co-parents. [CHUCKLES]
Well, welcome. And don't worry,
your little cutie is gonna be holding
her own bottle any day now.
[WHISPERS]: She's
just a little behind.
G
Gemma, look. The treadmill, I get,
but do we really need a surfboard?
It was free.
Uh
That wasn't my question.
Honey we don't even surf.
Because we didn't have a surfboard.
Duh. Oh, my
There you go, Camille.
Fresh new spark plugs.
You deserve them.
Yes, you do.
Calvin.
Camille.
Dave, this is a private conversation.
Don't feel bad, Dave.
He kicked me out of it, too.
Why don't you just talk to
your bike, Pee-wee Herman?
We're car people over here.
I am not taking that personally.
You always get grumpy when it's time
for the Great Pasadena Bike Takeover.
Look, I don't mind the bikes.
It's the riders ringing
those stupid bells.
Th-There's 400 of 'em.
I see you.
[BELL CHIMES]
DAVE: You know what, Malcolm?
Your father's grumpy energy
has reminded me of something
that I saw on the Sidewalk app.
Oh, yeah, I saw that.
Yeah, a certain pickup truck owner
has been generating
a lot of complaints.
- What are you talking about?
- Uh, people are complaining
that you are driving
up and down the street
in your rust bucket
blasting rap music.
Rust bucket? Mm-hmm.
They-they couldn't be
talking about my truck.
Camille is in our family photo.
Look.
Oh, okay.
So this how it is?
People talking all this trash,
hiding behind they screens?
This is not how neighbors
treat each other. [SCOFFS]
One of 'em gonna call me Fred Sanford.
[LAUGHS]
What you laughing at?
'Cause if I'm Fred, you
Lamont, you big dummy.
You know what? I'm
downloading that app.
Uh, no, please don't
Just ignore it, Pop.
You can only make it worse.
I know, and that's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna make it worse.
Ooh, uh, Calvin,
make yourself a cool avatar.
I'm a coconut with a mustache.
See, they don't know
who they messing with.
Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh.
N No. No, no, no, no.
I didn't say "duck."
Don't autocorrect me.
I said what I said.
[GRUNTS]
Hey, hey.
- What's up?
- Hi.
Oh, how was your baby class?
Oh, it was good. And
Marty knew the teacher.
Hannah.
Hannah from high school?
[LAUGHS]: Oh, snap.
She had Farty Marty wrapped
around her little finger.
Oh, I-I barely remember her.
[LAUGHS]: Oh. I do.
Marty was so excited that she agreed
to go to the prom with him,
he sold his most
valuable action figure
to pay for a limo.
Darth Vader with the
purple lightsaber?
It was in the box and everything.
But you took Hannah to the prom.
But not from the prom.
No, she went home
with the star running back.
In Marty's limo.
COURTNEY: Oh, Marty.
You know, I knew I
didn't like that woman.
Let's find another baby class.
No, no, hey, hey,
wait, don't be silly.
Okay? T-That was a long time ago.
People change. I know I have.
Look, I am
a grown, successful businessman.
And thanks to the
invention of almond milk,
that nickname is behind me.
[LAUGHS]
It was behind you then, too.
Um
is that a rowing machine?
Yes, it is, and the
price was right: zero.
Ooh, check this out: a
solar-powered pizza oven.
And if you have any good pizza recipes
you want to give me,
you can fax them.
Well,
getting things you
were never gonna buy
is not exactly saving money.
True, but
as soon as I make a sun pizza,
I'm in the black.
Dave, what are you doing?
Picking up rotten figs, Calvin.
The fig guy has brought
the war to my home.
Where my bedroom is.
Where my wife sleeps.
Where my child plays with his toys.
Okay, Michael Corleone,
i-it's like five figs on the ground.
Well, Pop, if you wanted to get
a reaction out of your haters,
it worked.
Well, good.
And guess what, after five tries,
autocorrect finally gave up on "duck."
Yes, I noticed. You
didn't pull any punches.
You told Randy B.,
"I'm gonna slap you into next week,
"and then follow you into that week
and kick your ass to April."
Hold on, you told Arthur P.
That you were going to, quote,
"moonwalk with my foot in yo' ass"?
Now, he insulted my truck.
Calvin, I don't know
that I can "like" this.
Well, guess what?
[PHONE CHIMES]
Yo' ass just did.
Hello, friends.
I'm so happy to see all of you today.
Uh, what? My shirt?
[LAUGHS]
- I'm sorry?
- No, I just
I didn't even realize I was wearing it.
It's just a business I own.
Yeah, I know it might look like
I just work there, but, no.
I buy these shirts for the
large staff that I hire,
and sometimes fire.
Wait. The Fusebox?
Yeah. I've seen that place.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's huge.
You're the owner?
- Wow.
- Yeah.
I know. I know. See,
it's how I can be here
in the middle of the day.
You know, I don't have to ask anybody.
It'd just be like, "Hey, Marty,
can I have the morning off?"
It'd be like, "Sure, Marty!
Take all the time you need."
[LAUGHS]
It's a That-That's a boss joke.
- [LAUGHS]
- Yeah, I know. [LAUGHS]
You're hysterical!
It wasn't that funny.
Even in high school,
I always knew he'd go far.
We should catch up.
We should.
That'd be nice, you know?
Take a stroll down memory lane,
reminisce about the time
that you stole his limo.
Oh.
He told you about that little prank?
I used to be so crazy.
[LAUGHING]: Well, yeah, yeah.
- She did the craziest stuff.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, it doesn't sound
crazy, it sounds mean.
Okay, well, we were just kids.
Yeah, and you were a decent kid.
And you were a mean girl
who entertained yourself
by tormenting deluded, helpless nerds.
- Okay, so are you defending me or
- Yes,
- I am defending you.
- Okay, okay.
I see why you aren't a couple.
Oh. Oh, you see, do you?
- [MUTTERS]
- Oh. Oh. Oh.
How about you see me outside?
Oh. Uh
- All right. All right.
- Let's go. Go.
Uh, anybody want to sing? Okay.
The wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪
Round and round, round and round ♪
The wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪
[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]
Okay, now, no matter what she says,
stay strong.
You think I'll cave in to Gemma?
Oh, I'm sorry. I was
talking to myself.
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
- Yeah.
Check it out. A dude on Coronado
is giving away a water heater.
He must be crazy!
Um, Gemma, we need to talk.
Not now. This baby's gonna move.
Gemma, please, give Tina the phone.
But I really want
Give me the phone!
I can stop anytime I
want, guys. I'm fine.
Dave, someone left a whole box
of universal remotes in my driveway.
Those aren't yours.
Gemma, please, think about this.
How is this helping Grover?
It's not.
- No.
- No.
- I have a problem.
- Yeah.
Maybe I should go sit in
my free massage chair.
Gemma,
- that thing don't work.
- Mm.
I know. But I can fix it.
- Okay. All right. I-I
- This is bad.
I'm gonna get her in
the house. Come on.
Come on.
Come on. Come on. Whoa!
That's crazy, right? You know?
Whoa! Watch it!
Rock in the road!
That's no rock.
That's Yertle.
["CARMINA BURANA" BY
CARL ORFF PLAYING]
[DISTORTED]: Calvin, no!
[BICYCLE BELLS RINGING]
♪
Phew. Little buddy,
you almost got hurt.
Hey, it's okay, people.
Yertle's fine.
[GROANING]
Hey, is she asleep?
Yup.
So, um,
do you want to talk about
what happened in class today?
You mean when I saved
you from that succubus?
I didn't want to be saved.
I'm a single dad.
I don't exactly have a line of
women knocking down my door.
You want to know the
last time I had sex?
Was when we made the baby.
Well, join the club.
It's not like I don't have needs.
And you don't get a lot
of swipes on a dating app
when they ask for your hobbies,
and your answer is "lactating."
Okay, look, you and I
are just friends, fine.
But why are you preventing me
from becoming more than
friends with somebody else?
Because I couldn't stand
watching her play you like that.
That woman sucks.
Oh, well, thank you so much.
You're so welcome.
- [GASPS]
- Ooh.
- Bedroom?
- Yes.
Okay, you have got to
have a condom somewhere!
MARTY: No, I told you,
it's been a while!
Hold on. I think I think
Malcolm has some in his room!
COURTNEY: Uh, find one?!
Got it!
- COURTNEY: Yes!
- MARTY: Yes!
[DAPHNE CRIES]
COURTNEY AND MARTY: No!
[DAPHNE CRYING]
It's okay, baby. You're good.
The wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪
Round and round, round and round ♪
Wheels on the bus go
round and round ♪
[DAPHNE COOING]
Okay. I think we're good.
Okay. Where were we?
[CHUCKLES]
[MOANING SOFTLY]
Hey, hey, I got some pizza.
Why?!
You know what?
I should go.
Marty, I think we we
should call it a night.
Good night, Daph. [KISSES, CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLING]
MALCOLM: Okay. All right. Okay.
[LAUGHS]
All right, man, well,
she's not getting any.
She isn't the only one.
Oh, so you couldn't
sell any of this stuff?
Yeah, not only could we not sell it,
the Got Junk guys wanted
to charge us 500
bucks to haul it away.
Oh.
Well, goodbye, panini press.
I'll miss you.
Well, I mean, those presses
are actually pretty good.
Yeah. Don't-don't worry.
We still have one.
One. Sure.
Gemma.
This is hard!
Hey, uh, we're looking
for a Calvin Butler?
Uh, that's me.
Oh. And this young lady
must be looking for Yertle.
- Yes!
- [LAUGHS]
Well, here you go.
Yertle, I missed you so much.
Thank you, Mr. Butler.
Oh, don't worry about it.
He's had his dinner
a little lettuce
and a half a cantaloupe. [CHUCKLES]
You fed that turtle my
seven-dollar cantaloupe?!
You bought a seven-dollar cantaloupe?
She's so cute. Look at her.
Thanks, Mr. Butler. I'm Xavier.
We're over on Marengo Circle.
Oh, hey, it's Calvin, and
no reason to thank me.
All right? It's what neighbors do.
I'm sure you would have did the same.
Yeah, speaking of that, I
actually owe you an apology.
I'm the one off the app who
called you Fred Sanford.
That was you?
Yeah.
Well, you don't owe me an apology.
You owe an apology
to Camille.
Uh, sorry, uh,
- Camille. Camille.
- Camille. Yeah.
Now, look.
Now, there was a time
that if you had a problem
with your neighbor,
you'd just go and knock on his door.
So, maybe next time,
why don't you try that?
- All right.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
- If I may.
I love what I'm seeing.
You know, this is how
I should have handled
the whole fig situation with Dan J.
Oh. You're the guy
who's stealing the figs?
I am not stealing them.
They were dangling over
a public thoroughfare.
Which I will explain
pleasantly to Dan J.
MALCOLM: Hey, Pop?
We're all loaded up.
You know what, Calvin? I got to say,
I'm starting to see the
Sanford and Son thing.
You know, father and
son, truck full of trash.
Well, I don't.
Will you come on, Pop, so we can
get to the junkyard? [GRUNTS]
Okay, I see it now.
[IMITATES FRED SANFORD]:
Well, come on, you big dummy.
[THEME OF SANFORD AND SON PLAYING]
This little library is the
coolest thing in the world.
Yeah, right?
What's that smell?
It's compost.
Don't you just love it?!
Hey, Dave.
Hey, Calvin.
Aw, damn two Daves?
No. Calvin, this is Dan,
the guy with the fig tree.
The app brought us together.
Calvin, I have heard
so much about you.
Dave said you're super awesome.
Okay. Thank you.
Uh
actually makes me very,
very uncomfortable.
Yeah, uh, Calvin, as a peace offering,
I made Dan a batch of
my famous Fig Johnsons.
- Oh.
- They're like Fig Newtons,
but, obviously, you know, my last name
- isn't Newton, so I
- No, no,
no, no, Dave, I get it.
Oh. You know what would be
perfect to wash these down?
- Oh, well Kombucha!
- Kombucha!
- Oh, good. Jinx!
- Jinx!
Up top, Calvin!
Yeah, I'm gonna delete
this app right now.
Why you gon' do that? ♪
I got a sweet tooth ♪
[SONG CONTINUES PLAYING]
[SONG STOPS PLAYING]
Hey, why'd you turn
that off? I was groovin'.
I think you just answered
your own question, Dave.
Oh, hey, honey. How was your run?
Oh, awesome.
So much better than paying
for an expensive gym.
I got clipped by a skateboarder
and stepped on
what I hope was burrito, but
but still, we're saving a fortune.
Yeah, and it's for a good cause.Yeah.
Well, you know, you
could just send Grover
to a free public school
and not step on burritos.
No sacrifice is too
great for my baby boy.
Oh, this is not burrito.
Hey, uh,
did you happen to run down Cresthaven?
Dave, I did not pick any
figs off that guy's tree.
Dave, are you stealing figs?
It's not stealing.
The figs are hanging
over a public sidewalk.
Therefore, per municipal code,
these are the people's figs.
Well, I'm with the fig guy.
Who is this, anyway?
I don't know, really.
I've only ever interacted
with him on SidewalkTalk.
On Side what now?
It's a neighborhood app.
Tina knows what I'm talking
about. I've seen her on there.
Ugh, barely.
I hate that app.
All people do is talk trash.
Yeah, but it's also a great way
to keep up with what's
going on around here
and communicate with our neighbors.
Why do you need an app?
You got a mouth.
Yes, but by using the app,
I can avoid awkward confrontations.
And this whole fig thing could
resolve itself peacefully.
Also,
this app is handy for
all kinds of stuff.
Look at this. Recommendations
for gardeners,
finding a lost pet.
I mean, look at this cute
little girl on Marengo.
"Please help me find
Yertle the Turtle." Aw.
That's actually a tortoise,
so his name should be Yortoise.
Well, the only reason
I even have the app
is for the section where people
give away stuff they don't want.
Give away? Like free?
- Ooh, I like free.
- Okay.
Wow. Humidifier, Ping-Pong table.
- [GASPS] Hey, a treadmill. I could use that.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, you know, I'll grab my
keys, I'll drive you over.
Okay. Ooh, and, uh,
get me some more figs.
Steal your own damn fruit.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
♪
There are so many cute babies here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but
Daphne's the cutest.
Agreed, agreed.
I'm not judging, but
that baby over there?
He can't sit up yet.
Wow.
Daphne's been able to
sit up for a month now.
Uh-huh. I mean, not judging. I'm sure
that baby's good at other things.
COURTNEY: Oh, damn.
That baby's holding her own bottle.
Daphne's so behind.
[MUTTERING]
Hello, friends.
My name is Teacher
Hannah, and I'm so happy
to see some new faces today.
Let's start off with five
minutes of free play.
What's wrong?
Nothing. Uh, I-I know
Teacher Hannah from high school.
Oh.
Hi, welcome.
Who is this cutie?
Uh, well, this is
my daughter, Daphne.
And, of course, I
need no introduction.
Have you been here before?
No, no. Uh, Hannah
[CHUCKLES]
It's me, Marty Butler.
Uh-huh.
We went to high school together.
Oh! Um
Were you in Ms.
Kittay's English class?
No. No, I was in honors English.
We went to junior prom together.
- Oh, my God!
- Yeah.
Marty.
Oh, of course.Ah Oh.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
You look exactly the same.
I know, which is why
this is so hurtful.
I used to have the
cutest nickname for him.
Oh, I wish I could remember.
Oh, what-what was it?
Uh, I doubt any of us remember it.
Farty Marty.
God.
Is that really the cutest nickname?
Well, you turned out great.
And your wife is beautiful.
Oh, no, she's not. She
I I mean No
Y-Yes. Yes, she is beautiful, but
we are not a couple.
We're just friends and
co-parents. [CHUCKLES]
Well, welcome. And don't worry,
your little cutie is gonna be holding
her own bottle any day now.
[WHISPERS]: She's
just a little behind.
G
Gemma, look. The treadmill, I get,
but do we really need a surfboard?
It was free.
Uh
That wasn't my question.
Honey we don't even surf.
Because we didn't have a surfboard.
Duh. Oh, my
There you go, Camille.
Fresh new spark plugs.
You deserve them.
Yes, you do.
Calvin.
Camille.
Dave, this is a private conversation.
Don't feel bad, Dave.
He kicked me out of it, too.
Why don't you just talk to
your bike, Pee-wee Herman?
We're car people over here.
I am not taking that personally.
You always get grumpy when it's time
for the Great Pasadena Bike Takeover.
Look, I don't mind the bikes.
It's the riders ringing
those stupid bells.
Th-There's 400 of 'em.
I see you.
[BELL CHIMES]
DAVE: You know what, Malcolm?
Your father's grumpy energy
has reminded me of something
that I saw on the Sidewalk app.
Oh, yeah, I saw that.
Yeah, a certain pickup truck owner
has been generating
a lot of complaints.
- What are you talking about?
- Uh, people are complaining
that you are driving
up and down the street
in your rust bucket
blasting rap music.
Rust bucket? Mm-hmm.
They-they couldn't be
talking about my truck.
Camille is in our family photo.
Look.
Oh, okay.
So this how it is?
People talking all this trash,
hiding behind they screens?
This is not how neighbors
treat each other. [SCOFFS]
One of 'em gonna call me Fred Sanford.
[LAUGHS]
What you laughing at?
'Cause if I'm Fred, you
Lamont, you big dummy.
You know what? I'm
downloading that app.
Uh, no, please don't
Just ignore it, Pop.
You can only make it worse.
I know, and that's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna make it worse.
Ooh, uh, Calvin,
make yourself a cool avatar.
I'm a coconut with a mustache.
See, they don't know
who they messing with.
Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh.
N No. No, no, no, no.
I didn't say "duck."
Don't autocorrect me.
I said what I said.
[GRUNTS]
Hey, hey.
- What's up?
- Hi.
Oh, how was your baby class?
Oh, it was good. And
Marty knew the teacher.
Hannah.
Hannah from high school?
[LAUGHS]: Oh, snap.
She had Farty Marty wrapped
around her little finger.
Oh, I-I barely remember her.
[LAUGHS]: Oh. I do.
Marty was so excited that she agreed
to go to the prom with him,
he sold his most
valuable action figure
to pay for a limo.
Darth Vader with the
purple lightsaber?
It was in the box and everything.
But you took Hannah to the prom.
But not from the prom.
No, she went home
with the star running back.
In Marty's limo.
COURTNEY: Oh, Marty.
You know, I knew I
didn't like that woman.
Let's find another baby class.
No, no, hey, hey,
wait, don't be silly.
Okay? T-That was a long time ago.
People change. I know I have.
Look, I am
a grown, successful businessman.
And thanks to the
invention of almond milk,
that nickname is behind me.
[LAUGHS]
It was behind you then, too.
Um
is that a rowing machine?
Yes, it is, and the
price was right: zero.
Ooh, check this out: a
solar-powered pizza oven.
And if you have any good pizza recipes
you want to give me,
you can fax them.
Well,
getting things you
were never gonna buy
is not exactly saving money.
True, but
as soon as I make a sun pizza,
I'm in the black.
Dave, what are you doing?
Picking up rotten figs, Calvin.
The fig guy has brought
the war to my home.
Where my bedroom is.
Where my wife sleeps.
Where my child plays with his toys.
Okay, Michael Corleone,
i-it's like five figs on the ground.
Well, Pop, if you wanted to get
a reaction out of your haters,
it worked.
Well, good.
And guess what, after five tries,
autocorrect finally gave up on "duck."
Yes, I noticed. You
didn't pull any punches.
You told Randy B.,
"I'm gonna slap you into next week,
"and then follow you into that week
and kick your ass to April."
Hold on, you told Arthur P.
That you were going to, quote,
"moonwalk with my foot in yo' ass"?
Now, he insulted my truck.
Calvin, I don't know
that I can "like" this.
Well, guess what?
[PHONE CHIMES]
Yo' ass just did.
Hello, friends.
I'm so happy to see all of you today.
Uh, what? My shirt?
[LAUGHS]
- I'm sorry?
- No, I just
I didn't even realize I was wearing it.
It's just a business I own.
Yeah, I know it might look like
I just work there, but, no.
I buy these shirts for the
large staff that I hire,
and sometimes fire.
Wait. The Fusebox?
Yeah. I've seen that place.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's huge.
You're the owner?
- Wow.
- Yeah.
I know. I know. See,
it's how I can be here
in the middle of the day.
You know, I don't have to ask anybody.
It'd just be like, "Hey, Marty,
can I have the morning off?"
It'd be like, "Sure, Marty!
Take all the time you need."
[LAUGHS]
It's a That-That's a boss joke.
- [LAUGHS]
- Yeah, I know. [LAUGHS]
You're hysterical!
It wasn't that funny.
Even in high school,
I always knew he'd go far.
We should catch up.
We should.
That'd be nice, you know?
Take a stroll down memory lane,
reminisce about the time
that you stole his limo.
Oh.
He told you about that little prank?
I used to be so crazy.
[LAUGHING]: Well, yeah, yeah.
- She did the craziest stuff.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, it doesn't sound
crazy, it sounds mean.
Okay, well, we were just kids.
Yeah, and you were a decent kid.
And you were a mean girl
who entertained yourself
by tormenting deluded, helpless nerds.
- Okay, so are you defending me or
- Yes,
- I am defending you.
- Okay, okay.
I see why you aren't a couple.
Oh. Oh, you see, do you?
- [MUTTERS]
- Oh. Oh. Oh.
How about you see me outside?
Oh. Uh
- All right. All right.
- Let's go. Go.
Uh, anybody want to sing? Okay.
The wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪
Round and round, round and round ♪
The wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪
[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]
Okay, now, no matter what she says,
stay strong.
You think I'll cave in to Gemma?
Oh, I'm sorry. I was
talking to myself.
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
- Yeah.
Check it out. A dude on Coronado
is giving away a water heater.
He must be crazy!
Um, Gemma, we need to talk.
Not now. This baby's gonna move.
Gemma, please, give Tina the phone.
But I really want
Give me the phone!
I can stop anytime I
want, guys. I'm fine.
Dave, someone left a whole box
of universal remotes in my driveway.
Those aren't yours.
Gemma, please, think about this.
How is this helping Grover?
It's not.
- No.
- No.
- I have a problem.
- Yeah.
Maybe I should go sit in
my free massage chair.
Gemma,
- that thing don't work.
- Mm.
I know. But I can fix it.
- Okay. All right. I-I
- This is bad.
I'm gonna get her in
the house. Come on.
Come on.
Come on. Come on. Whoa!
That's crazy, right? You know?
Whoa! Watch it!
Rock in the road!
That's no rock.
That's Yertle.
["CARMINA BURANA" BY
CARL ORFF PLAYING]
[DISTORTED]: Calvin, no!
[BICYCLE BELLS RINGING]
♪
Phew. Little buddy,
you almost got hurt.
Hey, it's okay, people.
Yertle's fine.
[GROANING]
Hey, is she asleep?
Yup.
So, um,
do you want to talk about
what happened in class today?
You mean when I saved
you from that succubus?
I didn't want to be saved.
I'm a single dad.
I don't exactly have a line of
women knocking down my door.
You want to know the
last time I had sex?
Was when we made the baby.
Well, join the club.
It's not like I don't have needs.
And you don't get a lot
of swipes on a dating app
when they ask for your hobbies,
and your answer is "lactating."
Okay, look, you and I
are just friends, fine.
But why are you preventing me
from becoming more than
friends with somebody else?
Because I couldn't stand
watching her play you like that.
That woman sucks.
Oh, well, thank you so much.
You're so welcome.
- [GASPS]
- Ooh.
- Bedroom?
- Yes.
Okay, you have got to
have a condom somewhere!
MARTY: No, I told you,
it's been a while!
Hold on. I think I think
Malcolm has some in his room!
COURTNEY: Uh, find one?!
Got it!
- COURTNEY: Yes!
- MARTY: Yes!
[DAPHNE CRIES]
COURTNEY AND MARTY: No!
[DAPHNE CRYING]
It's okay, baby. You're good.
The wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪
Round and round, round and round ♪
Wheels on the bus go
round and round ♪
[DAPHNE COOING]
Okay. I think we're good.
Okay. Where were we?
[CHUCKLES]
[MOANING SOFTLY]
Hey, hey, I got some pizza.
Why?!
You know what?
I should go.
Marty, I think we we
should call it a night.
Good night, Daph. [KISSES, CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLING]
MALCOLM: Okay. All right. Okay.
[LAUGHS]
All right, man, well,
she's not getting any.
She isn't the only one.
Oh, so you couldn't
sell any of this stuff?
Yeah, not only could we not sell it,
the Got Junk guys wanted
to charge us 500
bucks to haul it away.
Oh.
Well, goodbye, panini press.
I'll miss you.
Well, I mean, those presses
are actually pretty good.
Yeah. Don't-don't worry.
We still have one.
One. Sure.
Gemma.
This is hard!
Hey, uh, we're looking
for a Calvin Butler?
Uh, that's me.
Oh. And this young lady
must be looking for Yertle.
- Yes!
- [LAUGHS]
Well, here you go.
Yertle, I missed you so much.
Thank you, Mr. Butler.
Oh, don't worry about it.
He's had his dinner
a little lettuce
and a half a cantaloupe. [CHUCKLES]
You fed that turtle my
seven-dollar cantaloupe?!
You bought a seven-dollar cantaloupe?
She's so cute. Look at her.
Thanks, Mr. Butler. I'm Xavier.
We're over on Marengo Circle.
Oh, hey, it's Calvin, and
no reason to thank me.
All right? It's what neighbors do.
I'm sure you would have did the same.
Yeah, speaking of that, I
actually owe you an apology.
I'm the one off the app who
called you Fred Sanford.
That was you?
Yeah.
Well, you don't owe me an apology.
You owe an apology
to Camille.
Uh, sorry, uh,
- Camille. Camille.
- Camille. Yeah.
Now, look.
Now, there was a time
that if you had a problem
with your neighbor,
you'd just go and knock on his door.
So, maybe next time,
why don't you try that?
- All right.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
- If I may.
I love what I'm seeing.
You know, this is how
I should have handled
the whole fig situation with Dan J.
Oh. You're the guy
who's stealing the figs?
I am not stealing them.
They were dangling over
a public thoroughfare.
Which I will explain
pleasantly to Dan J.
MALCOLM: Hey, Pop?
We're all loaded up.
You know what, Calvin? I got to say,
I'm starting to see the
Sanford and Son thing.
You know, father and
son, truck full of trash.
Well, I don't.
Will you come on, Pop, so we can
get to the junkyard? [GRUNTS]
Okay, I see it now.
[IMITATES FRED SANFORD]:
Well, come on, you big dummy.
[THEME OF SANFORD AND SON PLAYING]
This little library is the
coolest thing in the world.
Yeah, right?
What's that smell?
It's compost.
Don't you just love it?!
Hey, Dave.
Hey, Calvin.
Aw, damn two Daves?
No. Calvin, this is Dan,
the guy with the fig tree.
The app brought us together.
Calvin, I have heard
so much about you.
Dave said you're super awesome.
Okay. Thank you.
Uh
actually makes me very,
very uncomfortable.
Yeah, uh, Calvin, as a peace offering,
I made Dan a batch of
my famous Fig Johnsons.
- Oh.
- They're like Fig Newtons,
but, obviously, you know, my last name
- isn't Newton, so I
- No, no,
no, no, Dave, I get it.
Oh. You know what would be
perfect to wash these down?
- Oh, well Kombucha!
- Kombucha!
- Oh, good. Jinx!
- Jinx!
Up top, Calvin!
Yeah, I'm gonna delete
this app right now.