Bewitched (1964) s07e12 Episode Script

Morning, sweetheart.
Morning.
How do you feel? I feel fine.
Have you got a headache or something? What makes you think I have a headache? Your head looks like it's aching.
Cute.
But I feel fine.
Well, I, uh, only asked because it was after 4 when you got to bed last night.
I stayed up to work out a new approach to the campaign for Harmon Savings and Loan.
And you found it? I hope so.
I've struck out three times in a row, and I don't want to be a four-time loser.
Well, you're just in a little slump.
Sam, are you sure your mother hasn't been fooling around? Sweetheart, when Mother fools around, there is no question about it.
Now, you're just a little tired and upset.
I'll fix breakfast.
You'll feel better.
I'm not upset and I'm not tired and I feel fine.
If he's like this when he's fine, however do you endure him when he's miserable? Good morning, sweetheart.
Mother.
Good morning, Durwood.
Don't you ever knock? Oh, sorry.
Never mind breakfast, Sam.
I just lost my appetite.
My, aren't we touchy this morning? Mother, may I ask a simple question and get an honest answer? "Yes" to the first and "maybe" to the second.
Please, make an all-out effort.
Endora, you have all the charm of a hooded cobra.
Well, never mind that, Mother.
Just answer the question.
All right.
I have not been meddling in what's-his-name's work.
Witch's honor.
Thank you, Mother.
There, your worries are over.
That doesn't mean I won't start.
If my worries are over, how come my headache just got worse? Good morning, Darrin.
I hope you feel lucky this morning.
Larry, I have a feeling, uh, we shouldn't trust my luck.
It hasn't been too good lately.
Now, there's no reason for that attitude, Darrin.
I mean, just because you've been consistently bombing out lately doesn't mean it's going to continue.
Why not? Because if it continues, you won't.
Mind if I take a look? Be my guest.
Hm.
Hm.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
I like it.
It's cute, but not too cute.
Original, but not too far-out.
And it gets the message across without being obvious.
You really like it? I'm sure I'll think it's terrific.
When? When the client loves it.
Yes? Oh, send him in.
Send him in.
It's Harmon.
Now, pull yourself together.
Let's have some positive thinking.
Oh-ho, good to see you, Mr.
Harmon.
Come in.
Come in.
You remember Darrin Stephens? Of course I remember Stephens.
How are you, Mr.
Harmon? It's his last three ideas I'm trying to forget.
Well, you know how unpredictable creative people are.
And Stephens is one of the most creative men we have.
Okay, okay.
Let's see what he's created this time and let's be quick.
My time is money, you know.
Oh, we know.
We know.
Show him what you have, Darrin.
He's got a great idea.
Let me be the judge of that.
Yes, of course.
Now, as you will see, uh, this idea is adaptable to all advertising media and it is aimed at the smaller investor.
What's that? I-It's a grasshopper.
You see-- Grasshopper? I have the largest investment firm in the country and you give me a grasshopper? Well, this idea i-i-is in four parts, each one dependent on the other.
Now, here you see a, uh, grasshopper in a business suit followed by a hippie caterpillar.
Grasshopper? Caterpillar? What do you think I'm advertising, a pest-control service? Do you have reservations about this idea, Mr.
Harmon? Uh, Mr.
Harmon hasn't seen it yet.
What else have you got? A cockroach, maybe? No.
A ladybug, carrying her purse and also about-- Darrin, I don't think we're reaching Mr.
Harmon.
Mr.
Harmon, if you'll just hear me out.
I've heard and seen enough.
It's got the cutes and it's too far-out.
Interesting.
I was making a similar comment earlier.
If you have nothing better to offer, I have other business.
Uh, Mr.
Harmon, if you'll just give us a little more time on this, I'm sure we can get the bugs out.
Uh, Mr.
Harmon, I'll call you at your hotel later.
Wait-- You and your lousy ideas.
But you said you liked it.
I do.
I do, but the client doesn't.
Which brings me to an interesting hypothesis.
What's that? The problem is you.
Admittedly, it's a good idea but you're projecting such a lack of confidence that the client would hate it even if he loved it.
Larry, believe me, Mr.
Harmon's reaction has nothing to do with my lack of confidence.
No? What do you think it is? Black magic, maybe? Would you believe me if I said yes? Darrin, you're tired.
Why don't you take a few days off and we'll discuss it then? Okay? Sam? Sam? Oh, hi, sweetheart.
What are you doing home so early? Ask your mother.
Uh-oh.
That's right.
Your mother's struck again.
I had a perfectly good idea.
Larry loved it.
And then I barely got started when, zap, for no reason, the client hated it.
Your mother is worse than Typhoid Mary.
Okay, careful, sweetheart.
Careful, my foot.
Did you hear that, Mary? I did.
And I'm sure they also heard it six blocks away.
Good.
Endora, I'm telling you for the last time, keep your hocus-pocus out of my life.
Typical mortal behavior, looking for a scapegoat to blame for their own failures.
Uh, Mother, did you put a spell on Darrin? There's nothing I could do to Durwood that wouldn't be an improvement.
So it's perfectly obvious I didn't do anything.
But you're tempting me.
Well, n-never mind.
But-- But I-- I would appreciate it if you'd leave us alone for a while.
Like forever.
Darrin.
So long, Mary.
I've not only lost a daughter, I've gained a bullhorn.
You-- Oh-- Uh-- Now-- Now, sweetheart, uh, relax.
It-- It really isn't fair to blame Mother.
Uh, somebody has been horsing around.
But it could be Serena or Uncle Arthur or Daddy-- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know.
Any one of a cast of thousands.
Okay.
So the only way to solve this is to find out what the spell is, where it came from and then deal with it.
Well, how do we do that? I'll get Dr.
Bombay and he can give you a test to find out what kind of a spell you're under.
That's a big help.
Calling in one fraud to substantiate another.
Darrin, look at it this way: It's the only game in town.
Okay.
Okay.
Calling all stations From Hong Kong to Pompeii.
Come in if you read me Dr.
Bombay.
Dr.
Bombay, here.
Never mind your pills Forget your thermometer Come on the run With your trusty hexometer His trusty what? His hexom-- Hexometer.
I invented this remarkable machine to detect the presence of witchcraft on or about a person.
No home should be without it.
Nothing.
And I don't appreciate this emergency call.
I was about to tackle my nurse.
Tackle your nurse? Naturally.
You don't think we'd play touch, do you? That would be indecent.
Dr.
Bombay, uh, could you just tell us about the witchcraft? Very well.
First of all, I must hook him up to the machine.
Sam, this isn't going to prove anything except what an idiot I am for submitting to it.
Not your arm, my boy, your head.
Now, stand still, sweetheart.
It won't hurt.
What's happening? All your hot air is rising to the surface.
Mm-hm.
It's clean.
Absolutely no exhaust emission, as you can see.
My boy, you're loaded with witchcraft.
But you said it was clean.
Perfectly.
Witchcraft exhaust is clean.
Mortal exhaust is dirty.
Terrific.
Dr.
Bombay, uh, could you tell us who put the spell on Darrin? Of course, my dear.
In a few moments, the perpetrator of this ghastly crime will appear on my oscillator.
That's peculiar.
The metaphysical atmospheric continuum is strangely scrambled.
So I'm afraid I can't tell you who, uh-- Who cast this spell.
B-But, doctor-- Precisely, "doctor.
" I am not a mystic.
Call me if he gets violent.
And now I have to get back to my nurse.
I think the next play called for a pass.
Get it? "Nurse"? "Pass"? Nothing.
He's gone, sweetheart.
That's the problem.
How can I be sure? Now, don't you worry.
I'll get to the bottom of this.
In the meantime, I think you ought to have a little drink and relax.
I think I'll have a lot of big drinks and collapse.
Darrin, you'll be late for the office.
I'm not going to the office today, Sam.
You better call Larry.
What will I tell him? Tell him I've retired.
If that's a joke, I don't get it.
Sam I have an announcement to make: I give up.
I am tired of bucking all this witchcraft.
No matter how hard I try, someone in your family fouls things up.
Darrin, what would you say if I told you that I contacted all my relatives and they're innocent? I got a witch's honor from all of them.
And Dr.
Bombay confessed that his hexometer is out of whack.
I would say that we already know Bombay is a quack and the credibility gap between honor and your relatives could be measured in light-years.
Darrin, you're overreacting.
What's wrong with retiring? You can zap us up a-- A castle in Spain, a-- A villa in Rome, a chateau in the south of France.
Uh-- Oh, we'll need a yacht.
Uh, nothing flashy, not too big.
Uh, somewhere between the, uh, Queen Mary and the Enterprise.
This is crazy.
You can't give up your career.
We are my career from now on, you and me.
We'll spend all our time doing the things we wouldn't normally be able to do for 20 years, if ever.
Well, sweetheart, I-- I don't blame you for being upset.
After what you've been through, you had a perfect right to-- Don't try to spare my feelings.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's someone feeling sorry for me.
Especially when you're doing such a good job of it yourself.
You'll get used to it.
And zap up some breakfast.
I'm starving.
Sweetheart? Where's my breakfast? Well, your breakfast can wait a minute.
What I have to say is more important.
Sam, I don't care to hear any more arguments.
I give in.
From now on, I'm retired.
We live by witchcraft.
No arguments.
I agree with you completely.
Almost.
Almost? Except for one thing.
Except for the witchcraft.
Mm-mm.
Except for the retirement.
Now, come on, Sam.
I-- I said no more arguments.
Who's arguing? I'm agreeing with you, but I think you should continue working.
With your know-how and my witchcraft there is no end to the heights you could reach.
Before you know it, Stephens & Tate will be the largest advertising agency in the world.
Maybe the only one.
Why go to all that trouble? Oh, come on.
Try it just for today.
See what fun it is.
Uh, l-like, I could whip up a little witchcraft and you could take that same concept back to Harmon and he'd buy it just like that.
Yeah? Yeah, it would be fun to see the look on Larry's face.
You do have a lot of faith in that savings-and-loan concept, don't you? Absolutely.
Okay.
Now, all you have to do is drink this.
Then you-- You say the following: Pinchly, finchly Potsy, rex Quiddily quaddily Beware this hex And then? There's a moment of discomfort.
What's that? You turn purple.
Oh, well, it only lasts a second.
And then? You become master of any situation.
Well, okay.
Chow.
Tastes like orange juice.
Comes in all flavors.
Yeah? And now what do I say? Oh, um, Pinchly, finchly Potsy, rex Quiddily quaddily Beware this hex Pinchly, finchly Potsy Potsy, rex Quiddily quaddily Beware this hex Oh, I-- I forgot.
You have to turn around three times.
Oh.
One.
Two.
Three.
It's working.
Well, what'd you expect? I'm a witch.
There.
You're all set.
I don't know what's the matter with me.
I should have swung with this a long time ago.
Well, I'm on my way.
Wish me luck, Sam.
Luck has nothing to do with it anymore.
It's a sure thing.
You're right.
This is going to be fun.
Mwah.
Ooh.
Come in.
Darrin, what are you doing here? I thought I told you to rest up for a few days.
I'm all rested and ready to tackle Harmon again.
I am sure I can sell him this presentation now.
The same presentation? That's right.
Go home.
You need more rest.
Larry, in your mind the Harmon account is down the drain, right? Right.
Then what have we got to lose? But the same presentation? Harmon hated it.
Harmon didn't even hear it.
But today he'll listen.
What makes you think so? Well, I-- I wasn't myself yesterday.
But things are different now.
Things are different? Well, just take my word for it.
Make another date with Harmon and he's in the bag.
I'll be waiting in my office.
Bugs? Again? What's he got, a fetish? Mr.
Harmon, you're considering hiring this agency to handle your advertising because we're specialists in the field.
So just sit there and listen to what this specialist has to say.
I think I'm listening to a first-class fruitcake.
Darrin, I don't think we should waste any more of Mr.
Harmon's valuable time.
Larry, you may stay and listen only if you promise not to interrupt again.
Now just a mo-- Ah Please, sit down.
I'm warning both of you that these interruptions are beginning to make me very impatient.
Stephens has been sick.
Very unusual virus.
Oh, really? Must have picked up some kind of bug.
Virus.
Now, the, uh, grasshopper, the caterpillar and the ladybug represent the smaller investors marching into Harmon Savings and Loan.
Please, Stephens, I don't think of my investors as bugs.
Darrin, I don't think that-- Mr.
Tate, will you please be quiet? Now, these small investors-- Please, Stephens, they're bugs.
Bugs are bugs.
That is the last interruption I will tolerate.
Now, just sit there and listen and in a moment, something will hit you and you'll love it.
To repeat they represent the smaller investors marching into Harmon Savings and Loan.
And the slogan for this campaign will be: "At Harmon Savings and Loan, "there are no small investors.
They're as big as you are, whoever you are.
" Are you finished? Yes.
All right, then.
Let's break up this meeting, Darrin, so you can get home and start a year's sick leave.
Please, Mr.
Stephens, may I say something now? Of course.
"At Harmon Savings and Loan, "there are no small investors.
They're as big as you are, whoever you are.
" It rings a bell.
I like it.
Darrin, get the phone.
Phone? It must have been.
I heard that bell ringing too.
It's an inspiration, my boy.
Stephens I've never seen an idea presented with more confidence.
I'm impressed.
It's your kind of enthusiasm that makes ours a great country.
Mr.
Harmon, this is going to be great for you.
The grasshopper, the caterpillar and the ladybug represent the little people.
You see-- I get it, Tate.
You don't have to explain it to me.
Besides, at Harmon Savings and Loan, there are no little people.
They're as big as you are, whoever you are.
Right, Stephens? Right, Harmon.
Let's see those little fellows again.
Yeah.
Ah! Hi, sweetheart.
How'd it go? Oh, it went great.
I mean, why shouldn't it? It was a foregone conclusion.
Well, that calls for a celebration.
Why is it I don't feel like celebrating? I don't know.
Why is it? All the way home I was asking myself the same question.
I mean, I'm not sure I like not having to worry about anything.
It isn't much fun knowing how everything is going to turn out, is it? Well, there is something to be said for worrying about where your next meal is coming from.
Gives you a chance to work up an appetite.
Sam, could you kind of back up time, like, to before we made this witchcraft deal today? I'd like to reconsider.
I, um-- It isn't necessary.
Oh, yes, it is, because-- What do you mean, it isn't necessary? Uh Well, the way you're feeling now, I guess you won't mind.
I hope you won't mind.
Are you gonna mind? Come on.
Come on.
Out with it.
O-o-okay.
Witchcraft had nothing to do with what happened in your meeting this afternoon.
Are you trying to tell me that--? That that purple routine was just--? Was just a way of helping you regain your confidence.
You didn't believe me this morning when I told you there wasn't a spell on you, but it was true.
Wait a minute.
That means I was in an ordinary slump, and I did use witchcraft as an excuse.
It takes you a while, Dobbin, but you finally have the picture.
And I went to that meeting thinking-- Sam, that was a terrible chance to take.
I wasn't taking any chances.
You told me your idea was a good one.
Just because the client is difficult to convince doesn't mean the idea will fail.
You said that yourself.
Yeah.
I did say that, didn't I? On the other hand, it probably will.
Stop paying attention to her and start paying attention to me.
TRANSCRIPT: adrianp55