Black-ish (2014) s07e12 Episode Script

1 DRE: Life is filled with responsibility.
You've got to keep food on the table, a roof over your family's head, and you've got to keep your wardrobe fly and your shoe game on point.
But every now and again, you've got to relax, take a little time for yourself, and recharge.
You can even do little mini-breaks.
Like when I take out the garbage, I give myself a little treat.
That's my thing.
But I don't judge anybody for how they choose to relax.
- MAN: [Coughs.]
- I say if it's not hurting nobody, do you.
Whew! [Indistinct conversation.]
What the? Oh.
Hey, Dad.
You trying to hit this? I know I said no judgment, but this stupid [bleep.]
.
What were you thinking? Anyone could have seen you outside.
Janine could have called the cops.
Hell, I could have called the cops.
You know what? - I'm gonna call the cops right now.
- JUNIOR: Whoa, whoa.
You are blowing this way out of proportion.
Smoking weed has been legal in California for years.
It may be legal here, but it's not legal everywhere.
What happens if you have a joint on you, forgot, and took a trip to Singapore? Google "White kid getting caned" and tell me if your high was worth it.
- [Door opens.]
- RAINBOW: Hey, guys.
Weirdest thing.
I just got wildly nostalgic for the commune, and I don't know why.
- Uh, Wiz Khalifa Junior here is why.
- Huh? I caught him outside smoking "the gateway.
" - Did you? - It was just one hit, Mom.
I didn't know you smoked, sweetie.
I do from time to time, to take the edge off.
What edge? You live at home.
You can't be a two-day college drop-out and a stoner.
Boy, pick a struggle.
We are both genuinely sorry for doing something that makes you uncomfortable on your property.
See? Even she knows y'all were wrong.
- Um - We were.
We were.
Although, to be clear, I-I'm not apologizing for smoking.
I'm just apologizing for doing it on your property.
Now, if you'll excuse me, the bowl's kicked in, and I am very hungry.
Um, can I have some of these? - Yeah, go ahead, sweetie.
- Thank you.
Junior, you are a grown-up now, - so we can't tell you what to do.
- [Scoffs.]
But you do have younger siblings, so all we ask is that you don't partake in the house, okay? - What kind of parenting is that? - What are you talking about? I guess it's gonna be okay if he starts calling you "Rainbow.
" I wouldn't mind that.
It's kinda cool, right? He needs to know that he's a Black man in America and he cannot do drugs.
Would you rather I have a drink? Because smoking marijuana isn't any more harmful than drinking alcohol.
This man is not wrong.
The only time that I have seen people come into the ER with complications from marijuana is because they have had too many crab legs from Red Lobster.
Okurr? [Trilling.]
Okurr! [Both laugh.]
And you call yourself a doctor.
Face it, Dad, you're on the wrong side of this.
- [Cellphone rings.]
- Oh.
Hey.
I gotta go.
Olivia needs me to deliver more Goldfish to the neighbor's kids' treehouse.
- Hmm.
- Hey.
I knew we should have never listened to Bob Marley when he was in the womb.
I'm gonna go search his bedroom - for Altoid cans.
- Mm.
Bob Marley was the only thing that stopped that boy from kicking.
DIANE: Jack, I need your help.
After months of hanging out with the seniors, my talents have been recognized.
They want me to lead the senior prank.
Oh, and you need an alibi.
What do you want me to go with? Rumbling in the tum? Migraine for days? Uterus stuff? - No, Jack.
I do not need an alibi.
- Oh.
They've been watching you.
They like your drip.
You know, you've got real popular kid energy.
I've always thought that, but a popular kid doesn't say it, you know? Great.
Now, are you in, or you out? Wow, Diane.
I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to wear.
Man, don't make it weird.
- Just follow my lead.
- Okay.
Seriously, can I assume that you'll tell me what to wear? My first thought was overalls, and I know that's wrong.
Oh, God.
Your brother let a skunk in this house again? - What? - They're not pets.
I don't smell anything.
It's definitely coming from right here in your general direction.
Wait a minute.
Are you smoking that, um Ah Sookie Now? What? Me? No.
Don't lie to me, Junior.
My mother used to say if you wallow in weed, you will be weed.
Tshh.
I'm so sorry, Grandma.
It was Olivia.
She made me stay in the car while she smoked the marijuana.
- I didn't even like it.
- Mm-hmm.
- I know a temptress when I see one.
- Mm-hmm.
What with that beautiful skin and and and that killer curl pattern - and Kyla Pratt vibes.
- Yep.
Those are the ways she's tempted me.
Well, fortunately, there's a way back for the both of you.
Mm-hmm.
At my church's youth revival this weekend.
We're there, if you think they'll have us.
- Oh, they'll have you.
- [Softly.]
Okay.
They let Janet's grandson back in after what he did in that mall fountain.
[Chuckles.]
Thanks for giving me another chance, Grandma.
I'm sorry I let you down.
But I know that family is more important than drugs.
Oh, what a mighty God we serve.
Mm.
Amen.
All right, all right.
Pick me up Sunday afternoon, and bring your new King James version, all right? None of that New Living Testament crap.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah.
Bow and Junior may have been acting like weed wasn't a big deal, but they weren't living in the real world.
STEVENS: Hey, Dre.
You will be pleased to find out that the elevator finally got fixed.
No more one flight of stairs for you.
Eh.
Great.
Why are you not celebrating? You called that flight of stairs your "own personal 'Misery'" the Kathy Bates kind.
- I caught Junior getting high.
- Oh, no.
You hate when he feels good.
STEVENS: I'm so sorry to hear that, Dre.
I know how hard you've worked to give your family these incredible opportunities, and there goes Junior, throwing it all away on crack.
[Gasps.]
Crack? Man, I caught him smoking weed.
[Chuckling.]
Oh.
Okay.
So, then, why are you so upset? Yeah, I assume you smoke, too, based on your loud sweaters and the fact that you're always eating microwave s'mores.
I'm not a drug guy, Charlie.
Come on, Dre.
Steve Jobs, Barack Obama, Martha Stewart.
You know, a lot of successful people got down with the sticky icky.
Okay, look, the fact of the matter is Black people get judged for doing it in a way that White people don't.
Yeah.
Like washing your hair every day, or becoming a cop.
The War on Drugs has it so that we are four times more likely to get arrested for marijuana possession than White people, and that's after legalization.
It's not worth the risks.
I hear everything you're saying, Dre, but let me offer this counterpoint weed is amazing.
Without it, we wouldn't have the music of Cypress Hill - Mm.
- or the cinematic masterpiece which is "Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle" or my podcast, which I'm too shy to release.
You're not releasing it? Charlie, we worked on that for six hours.
Dre, why would you deny yourself one of the world's greatest pleasures? Check it out.
Imagine feeling God inside you, and that God's body is made out of a heating pad and He takes all the things that's bothering you and put it in this box for a little while so you can feel free.
- Is that how you feel? - Yeah.
That's my way of getting level and dealing with the stress of racism, work, and the fact that my son is garnishing all my wages to pay for back rent.
Oh, my God.
You're high right now, aren't you? Oh, yeah, look at those eyes.
It's not my fault that I got bored on my way to work.
Not all the muffins.
Oh.
Had that chocolate one all lined up.
My head was spinning from the fact that everyone was down with weed.
Maybe the world had changed, and I was just being old.
I was wrong about the 3-pointer ruining the NBA.
- [Cellphone chimes.]
- Maybe, that's what the world is telling me.
I mean, Nancy Reagan goes on "Diff'rent Strokes" once and I'm supposed to not ever enjoy myself again? Look, I want to be able to sit back, turn my brain off, and catch a vibe.
Damn it.
I'm a grown-up.
- [Magazine slams.]
- I can do what I want.
- Babe? - Yeah? Let's get rid of the kids this weekend and get high.
[Imitates David Wooderson.]
All right, all right, all right.
So, it was finally Friday.
But unlike Ice Cube in the movie, I did have something to do get my kids out of the house so I could get high.
So high.
All right, there you go.
You guys go out there and, uh, have some fun.
- Generous amount.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm not suspicious at all.
Yeah, last time you emptied your wallet like this, we ended up with a little brother.
Laser vasectomy, okay? So, we good.
Now get out of here before I change my mind.
Go.
Skedaddle.
Scoot! Go! Me and your mama got some business to do.
- [Door closes.]
- [Chuckles.]
DRE: They're gone.
- [Laughs.]
- Let's get faded! - [Laughs.]
- Great.
Okay, Dre.
I have all the pretzel variations.
I've got rods, I've got twists, I've got chocolate-covered, peanut-butter-filled, and pretzel-wrapped hot dogs from the mall.
- Ooh.
- And [Clears throat.]
Pizza bagels? Pretzel.
Okay.
[Laughs.]
Now we straight.
- How you doin'? - Hey, babe, - let's get some drugs.
- Let's get them.
- Yeah.
- Okay, I'm gonna call my guy.
- Do it.
- Ladarius! Man, y'all got a lot of fruit trees out there.
- Ladarius is your guy? - DRE: Mm-hmm.
So, how we gonna do this, Ladarius? We gonna roll past Lueders Park and you gonna get some of that Pressure House that you used to smoke as a kid? Actually, this is how we do it now.
Hmm.
- An app? - Mm-hmm.
Come on, man.
I thought we were gonna buy something from a dude riding a beach cruiser with a pit bull who stays at your house a little too long.
Dre, nobody uses the weed man anymore.
Everyone does dispensaries or delivery.
- Man, I'll show you.
Just give me your ID.
- Hey, now.
What? So they can track me? So when they change the laws, they can say I broke the laws and take away my right to vote? - Hell no.
- Okay.
I'll put my info in.
- Fine.
- What? So they can track you? What about your medical license? We need your income.
[Whispering.]
I'm irresponsible with money.
[Whispering.]
Yes, we know.
I'll just put in my info.
You guys could really use this weed.
- [Laughs.]
- [Normal voice.]
Oh, yeah.
I bought you something to tide you over.
- Okay.
- [Normal voice.]
Oh, did you? Oh, did ya? Okay.
All right, baby.
[Chuckles.]
Okay, on the count of three, Dre.
One.
Two.
Three.
Mm.
Mm, mm, mm-mm.
- Baby, put it in your mouth.
- I am.
I'm just trying to make it warm and soft.
[Can rattling.]
Diane, this is amazing.
Greg Curtis called me "pahtnah.
" Don't get excited.
He calls the math teacher "pahtnah.
" - [Person whistles.]
- Oh.
Okay.
You stay here, and if you see anybody coming, make the sound of a crow so we know we have to get out of here.
- [Caws hoarsely.]
- Yeah.
Just like that, but, uh, you know, not terrible.
Wait.
Y-You're leaving me here all by myself? I-I thought I was part of the team.
Yeah, you are.
You're the lookout.
And right now, I need you to be the best lookout you can be, okay? Thanks, friend.
[Caws sadly.]
[Crow caws.]
Don't try to make me feel better.
While the kids were up to no good, Junior was trying to drag Olivia into his problems with my mom.
Wait, are you serious? You actually want me to go to a church revival with your grandma? I'm not proud of it, but she smelled weed and I blamed it on you.
Now she thinks we're lost souls, - and I need to restore her faith in me.
- What? I am super sorry about it, but in my family, we like to keep my grandma happy.
You know you're going alone, right? Come on, you might see someone - catch the Holy Spirit and pass out.
- Okay.
Look, I respect how it goes in your family, but it's not healthy to do something you don't want to do - just because it makes someone else happy.
- [Sighs.]
Even if it's your grandmother.
Okay.
I get it.
You don't have to come.
I'll just tell my grandma you're going to your own church revival.
Junior! She has blown up a boat.
- Babe? - Yeah? I wanna thrive I have avoided weed for so long.
I know.
- And it's fine.
- Oh, yeah, it is.
I've never felt so at peace in my life.
[Sniffs.]
And I love the smell of crayons.
[Sniffs.]
- I'm making art, Bow.
- Mm.
I'm able to access a part of me that has never been touched.
[Crayons clatter.]
This isn't art.
This is Dre.
Do you think that I could open a healing retreat where people go to get healed? People could go to reconnect with their souls, and we could sip tea and bake cookies.
- Wait a minute.
- Yes? You mean to tell me all this time, you've known how to bake? Oh.
I'm such a lucky man! [Both laugh.]
[Video call rings.]
[Gasps.]
Uh-oh.
Baby! Baby! [Gasps.]
It's Principal Biggs! Okay, we're caught.
- She knows.
- No.
- She knows.
- It's okay.
It's okay.
I watched my mom talk to teachers high all the time.
All you need to do Okay, what you need to do, - you need to use huge words.
- Okay.
And you gotta talk really slow.
No! No, Bow, I got this.
- It'll work.
It'll work.
- I got this.
No, I got this.
Hey, Biggsy.
[Chuckles.]
To what do we owe the pleasure? Guess whose kids got caught painting the word "moist" onto the football field? - Who? - The Conners'? Meet me at the school and get your damn kids, and then we need to have a talk.
[Call ends.]
Okay, Bow, I-I can't go get the kids like this.
- It's okay.
- I can't drive like this.
- I can barely talk like this.
- It's okay.
See, this is exactly what I was afraid of.
We're gonna have to go walk to get the kids.
Then we'll get stopped by the police because we will be suspiciouslooking Black people and they will arrest us and we'll go to jail and I'll lose my job and everything that we've worked so hard to will crumble to dust because I made a mistake! - How could I be so stupid? - No.
Oh, I should have listened to Jesse Jackson when he said nope to dope and ugh to drugs! Ohhhhh! [Sighs.]
[Clears throat.]
- Hello.
- Welcome home.
- DIANE: Uh - Yep.
Okay.
- Everybody is home safe and sound.
- Yay.
Ms.
Biggs want to talk to you guys on Monday.
- Okay.
- Oh She hopes your hemorrhoid surgery goes fine.
- RAINBOW: What? Hmm.
- Why would she say that? You ask me for a favor, I set the terms.
- Hey - Wow.
So [Chuckles nervously.]
I just want to remind you guys that in this country, we are innocent There is spray paint on his hands.
Go upstairs.
No, no, no.
I-I can explain.
I was, uh I was spray painting.
- RAINBOW: No.
- No.
Come on, Jack.
I cracked.
[Scoffs.]
Unbelievable.
Man.
We messed this up.
Well - at least they didn't know we were high.
- [Chuckles.]
They probably just think Devante hid our keys - and we'll find them tomorrow.
- Okay.
- All of this right here? - Yes.
This is just a part of why I do not do the marijuana.
Dre, it worked for me.
It did.
I was so relaxed, and I got reconnected to my younger self.
Bow, you were talking to a pineapple.
No, Dre.
A pineapple was talking to me.
Listen, come on, come on.
You know it was fun.
It wasn't that bad.
Well You're right.
It was fun at first.
But then we got that call, and I started to spiral out - Yeah.
- and then it became the opposite of relaxing.
It was like a a living nightmare that I couldn't get out of.
- When you're high, you are extra dramatic.
- Okay, look.
I wish that I could let my guard down.
I wish that I could turn my brain off and know that everything was going to be all good, but I can't, because deep down inside, I know that everything is not going to be all good.
I-I'm always on alert.
[Slaps legs softly.]
I hear you.
- But that's what the weed was for.
- Come on.
To take all this stuff off your shoulders, Dre, so you could just chill out.
Okay, hey.
I think it's too late for me to learn - how to turn all of that off.
- Okay.
And honestly, I don't want to, because it's just not me.
Okay.
If edibles aren't for you, then we need to find something else that's gonna help you relax.
Okay.
Because sitting on that floor coloring was the most fun that I have had in such a long time.
- Yeah.
Me too.
- [Laughs.]
[Inhales deeply, sighs.]
[Clears throat.]
I'm still a little high.
- Hey, baby.
- Hey.
Just let me grab my butterscotches to pass out to the kids at church, and we can go.
Where's your little girlfriend? Olivia had to study, but I am ready to close the door on my life of sin.
So, she chose marijuana over you.
I doubt she's studying.
Probably somewhere blazing up.
Grandma, please don't talk about her that way.
She is not a bad person.
But is she a good person? I don't know if hanging out with her is gonna get you a seat in the Kingdom.
And there ain't no water hoses in Hell.
[Bag unzips.]
My girlfriend is not going to Hell.
- [Scoffs.]
- And to tell you the truth, she's not studying, but she's also not blazing up.
She just didn't want to come to the revival, Grandma.
And if I'm coming clean, the weed that you smelled was mine, not Olivia's.
I'm sorry.
Junior.
You know how I feel about, uh marijuana.
I know.
And you decided to tell me the truth anyway.
Just like your father when he started dating your mother.
Before her, I could say any old thing about the heifers he dated.
Hmm.
But when I called your mother a "hippie dirt woman," he asked me not to talk about her like that.
- What? - [Chuckles.]
That's how I knew that hippie dirt woman was special.
So is Olivia.
Well, I'm happy for you, and I'm glad you told me the truth.
- Thanks, Grandma.
- Mm, all right.
Where the hell you think you're going? - Oh, I was just gonna go outside and - Unh-unh-unh-unh-unh-unh.
You're coming to church with me.
The revival's gonna shake that weed right out of your soul.
And put on a suit.
You look like a clown.
Come on.
Look, Jack, I'm sorry I got you in trouble.
Diane, I'm not mad we got caught.
I'm mad that you told me everyone admired my drip when all you really needed was a lookout.
Jack, what are you talking about? You were part of the team.
The worst part of the team.
The part no one wants.
You invited me because I was the only sucker who would do it.
No, I invited you because you're the only person I trust.
Anyone else would have bailed when those floodlights hit, but you tried to warn us.
It's not your fault that they had the exits covered.
It actually may have been.
I probably shouldn't have Instagrammed my lookout position.
You know, before I got my phone taken away, everyone was texting about what a great guy you are.
Greg Curtis even got your number so he could invite you to his next party.
Oh.
- For real? - Mm-hmm.
That's so cool.
Oh, God, what am I gonna wear? Greg's probably going to juvie, so we got time to figure that out.
Hey, son, you got a second? I know I came down really hard on you about the weed thing, but hear me out.
I don't trust that the world is ready to see a Black man smoke weed without consequences.
I mean, hell, I get nervous checking my cellphone on the corner.
[Both chuckle.]
No, I I get it.
I know that people look at me smoking differently than if I were my White friends.
That is why I'm extra cautious, but I appreciate you looking out.
If I'm being honest, son I'm jealous that you can get high - and tune out the world.
- [Chuckles.]
I mean, I got high, and I checked all of our security cameras.
We got a blind spot in the garage.
Oh, yeah, that sounds like the opposite of fun.
You know, when I'm faded, I like to throw a bunch of towels in the dryer and then wrap them around myself and pretend that I'm in the womb.
And that works, huh? Yeah.
Never felt safer.
But if it doesn't work for you and it makes you feel paranoid, it's just not for you.
Well, son, as long as you're being safe.
You know, I'm I'm just happy that you found something that helps you relax.
And you know if you ever want to hang out, we don't have to smoke.
Oh, no, I think I'm gonna need - a little bit of something, though.
- [Chuckles.]
Hey, you wanna play some "2K"? Oh, yeah.
I'm down.
Just let me, uh, run to the garage for a second.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Do that.
Oh! Hey.
Let me show you that, uh, blind spot in the garage.
Why don't you? [Both laugh.]
[Ball creaks.]
JACK: What is she doing? I guess it's true.
A working mother never sleeps.
Is she talking to a pineapple? Oh, honey.