Family Ties (1982) s07e12 Episode Script

- Hey.
- Hi, honey.
- Hey, Dad.
- How was work? Oh, another day, another dollar.
You know, Dad, yours is one of the few jobs where that's literally true.
Maybe so, Alex, but today was no ordinary day.
On the way home, I, uh, noticed that Murphy's Bookstore - was having a going-out-of-business sale.
- Oh.
So I stopped off and I got a little something for everybody.
Oh.
Elyse, this is for you.
Cat in the Hat? Oh, um, no.
That's, uh that's Andy's.
There's yours.
Oh.
Gothic Architecture in Ancient Babylonia.
I'll take Cat in the Hat.
No way, Mom.
Mal, here you go.
Oh, God! Oh, it's the new Shirley MacLaine autobiography There Must Be a Higher Power in the Universe If I'm Making So Much Money Doing What I'm Doing.
Thanks, Dad.
Oh.
You're welcome.
Jen, I thought you might enjoy this.
Trout Fishing in Canada.
Finally in paperback.
Thanks.
Oh, no.
They-they must have given me the wrong book.
I'll take care of that tomorrow, and Alex, number one on the financial best seller list.
Hey, Dad.
Now Give Me Money, That's What I Want.
That's what I wa-a-a-a-ant.
That's what I want.
And best of all, I got this for myself.
Oh, The American Medical Association Medical Guide.
You feeling okay? - Oh, I'm fine.
Fine, Elyse.
- Oh.
It's just, since the heart attack, I've been more concerned about, uh, good health, and this book has home remedies, uh, safety tips, symptoms of all your major diseases.
Sounds like a real page-turner, Dad.
Oh, it is, Mal, it is.
Uh, now, for example, let's say you've been feeling tired, irritated, frustrated, depressed.
You turn to the self-diagnosis chart, and it tells you what you have.
Oh, teenagers.
Well, this teenager's about to drop from hunger if we don't eat soon.
Well, honey, the alfalfa barnacle croquettes are ready.
Ah, darn it.
And I'm going out for dinner.
With whom? With Paul Corman.
Oh, that's nice.
I haven't seen him since he graduated from Leland last year.
What's he doing now? What's he doing now? He happens to be an associate at Dunn and Bradley, the biggest investment banking firm in Ohio.
Ooh.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mal.
I know that's not as impressive as most of your friends.
I mean, who could forget Shirley Applebaum, the woman who invented neon support hose? Hey.
- Alex.
- Hey, Paul.
Hey, give me your coat.
- You know everybody, right? - Paul.
- Hey, Paul.
- How are you? - Hi, everybody.
- So What's new in the market? Well, I'm assuming you read Stimson's article in the Journal today? Oh, yeah.
You know, I can't believe he's still carrying that old Keynesian deficit spending currency-infusion banner.
Actually I thought he did a good job refuting Dawson's pseudo-supply side inversion theory.
Well, granted, Dawson's last essay was way too reminiscent of Klemps' piece on the refinancing of third-world debt through a suspension of the IMF loans.
At least it was better than Oppenheimer's piece.
Oh, God, did you read Oppenheimer's piece? - That bit about the variable prime rates? - Prime rates.
Oh, stop it.
Stop it.
Stop.
Whoa Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
- I guess you had to be there.
- Oh, God.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry, we must be boring the rest of you.
I did just have an out-of-body experience.
Oh, by the way, Alex.
Uh, Dunn and Bradley are looking to hire a new associate, and I-I gave your résumé to the hiring committee, and they want to meet with you sometime next week.
Well, I hope you don't mind.
Now, let me give you a complete tour of the place.
This is my desk.
- Hey - Nice, isn't it? Everything you need to make it in the business world.
Computer, fax machine, terminal, Pepto-Bismol extra-strength Pepto-Bismol.
Industrial-stregth Maalox.
And, hey, look at this.
Whoa.
That was when we, uh, co-won the Newman Award for excellence in undergraduate economics.
We really had some good times, didn't we? - Yup, I'll say.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, remember the, uh, night of our high school prom? We snuck down and we watched them load tens and 20s into the automatic teller machine.
It's one of the most romantic nights of my life.
Good morning, Mr.
Corman.
Uh, good morning, Ms.
Daniels.
Ms.
Foster is ready for Mr.
Keaton now.
Okay, listen, Paul, uh, no matter what happens in there, um I really want to thank you for setting up this interview.
Listen, you just go in there, knock 'em dead.
No, you listen to me.
I'm not gonna stand for this nonsense.
I won't be jerked around, you understand? Either you come through for me, or you're out.
You can be replaced, you know.
All right.
Say hello to Dad.
Alex Keaton.
I'm Jessica Foster.
Good to meet you.
Good to meet you, Ms.
Foster.
Alex Keaton.
Yes, I know.
- Please have a seat.
- Yeah, thank you.
I agreed to see you today, Mr.
Keaton, because this is an outstanding résumé.
Fine school, excellent grades, terrific recommendations.
I was particularly impressed with this one from, uh, Richard Nixon.
Unfortunately that may not be enough.
I'm sorry, excuse me? Every applicant who comes in that door went to a top school and received straight As.
I'm looking for something special.
Something different.
Something extraordinary.
I do a little juggling.
I'm quite serious, Mr.
Keaton.
If you're not, perhaps we should just terminate this interview.
Ah, well, Ms.
Foster, look, uh, I-I understand exactly what it is you're getting at and, believe me, I can help you.
Really? How exciting.
I can help you because not only do I have the basic training and know-how necessary to structure a takeover merger, supervise a leveraged buyout, and-and make change blindfolded, I also have what can't be taught.
A vibrant, passionate, almost life-threatening love of money.
A killer instinct for cash.
A lust for traveler's checks.
Now, sure, everyone who comes through this door loves money.
But do they dream about it? Do they fantasize about it? Do they roll around naked in it? I do.
Now, Ms.
Foster, I'm sure you're familiar with the saying that the love of money is the root of all evil.
So what? They're gonna have to do a lot better than that to get me to stop loving money.
I mean, it is as fundamental to our lives as-as food, air, and shelter.
Ms.
Foster, you asked for something special.
I am something special.
I am something different.
I am something extraordinary.
I am money, hear me roar! Elyse.
Would you feel my head? Why? I think I'm coming down with malaria.
Steven, that is the fourth disease you've contracted since you got that book.
That's been what? Malaria, mumps, chicken pox, and postpartum depression.
You look fine to me, Dad.
Well, excuse me, Mal, but I don't remember seeing your medical degree around recently.
In fact, I doubt that any of you are really equipped to deal with even the most common medical emergencies.
Such as? Well, for example, do any of you know how to handle snake bites? Sure, you suck the poison out.
Not necessarily, Mal.
It all depends on the type of snake that's involved.
You see, the copperhead's bite only results in mild pain and discomfort.
But the cobra's bite induces dizziness, disorientation, and delirium.
It's obviously the one that got you.
Hey, hey.
- Hi, Alex.
- Hi, Alex.
- Alex.
How'd the interview go? Well, let me put it to you this way, Jen, all my life there's been something I wanted to buy, but I never had the occasion to wear it.
Well, today I bought it.
Well, either you got the job or you've been possessed by Mr.
Magoo.
I got the job.
- Oh, that's great, great.
- Hey, Alex! And you know what they said? They said that if it goes well, they're gonna transfer me to Wall Street.
Do you know what that means? You'll be moving out.
It means I will be rich.
And that is all I've ever wanted my whole life.
Well, to be rich and not to go bald before I was 30.
And to have a Porsche and to not go bald in that Porsche.
He's delirious.
Maybe got bit by a cobra.
And I would like you all to have one of these as a token of my profound gratitude.
Thanks, son, this makes it all worthwhile.
And here is the man that I have to thank for all of this.
You know what we're gonna do tonight? You know how we're gonna celebrate? We're gonna pop open a couple bottles of champagne, and we're gonna watch reruns of Wall Street Week until the sun comes up.
Let the good times roll, Alex.
But first I'm gonna take you all out to eat for the most expensive meal you can get at Guido's.
- Yum, I think I can eat with this fever.
- All right.
Okay, let's, uh, let's get moving so we can catch the early bird special.
So, you think that I'm gonna have a desk near yours? Actually I-I think you're gonna have my desk.
What does that mean? Alex, they fired me.
You're kidding me, right? Foster called me into her office just before the end of the day.
She said she was unhappy with my work, that I didn't have enough of a lust for cash, and that I don't want to roll around naked in money.
What sort of lunatic would do that? She said there are only so many positions at the firm, and that you had the kind of killer instinct that, uh, she was looking for.
I'm really sorry, Paul.
Eh, it's okay.
I mean, I was probably on the way out anyway.
You know, I, I'd rather see you get it than somebody else.
- Right.
- Well, listen, I-I'm go I'm gonna go.
- I'll, uh, I'll talk to you tomorrow.
- All right.
Yeah, I'll, uh, I'll give you a call.
Okay.
Where's Paul? Didn't you invite him to dinner? Uh, he didn't feel much like going out.
He just found out he got fired.
Well, that's terrible on the same day you were hired.
Yeah, I think I got his job.
Well, you're not gonna take it, are you? Of course I'm gonna take it, Jennifer.
I mean, this is the way it is in the business world.
But, honey, he's your friend.
Mom, I am not gonna turn down a job that pays $45,000 a year.
$45,000? How well did you really know him? Let's go.
Let's go celebrate.
No, wait, Alex how can you celebrate at a time like this? All right, forget it.
I'll go celebrate by myself.
I knew he'd get out of paying for this dinner.
Well, good morning, Mr.
Keaton.
Welcome to your first day - at Dunn and Bradley.
- Good morning, Ms.
Foster.
I'll tell you, Mr.
Keaton, I envy you.
I remember my first day on the job.
It was so exciting.
I was right out of Harvard.
Right.
A business major? No, a literature major.
What a waste of time.
Well, it could have been worse.
Could have been an ethics major.
All right, let's get back to work.
This is the paperwork on the Dell merger.
I'd like an analysis - by the end of the day.
- No problem.
And, uh, you can take Corman's old desk.
Right.
Yeah, Alex P.
Keaton.
No, I'm, I'm sorry.
Paul Corman doesn't work here anymore.
No, I don't feel guilty about that.
All right, Mallory, knock it off.
Please hold.
Come in.
Uh, Ms.
Foster I finished that analysis of the Dell merger.
Hmm, very nice, Mr.
Keaton.
Very nice.
This is the best analysis I've seen in months.
You're going to do very well here, Alex.
Thank you very much.
I quit.
You have trouble with compliments, don't you? Look, uh, I'm sitting out here, looking over market reports, merger profiles, security violations stuff I love but I can't enjoy it.
I can't enjoy it because I took a friend's job.
Mr.
Keaton, I understand what you're going through.
We all have friends.
Not me personally.
But we can't let them get in the way of business.
Yeah, maybe that's true, but, uh, it's not the way I want to get my business career started.
Ms.
Foster, look, I appreciate the opportunity, but I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to resign.
Fine.
Whatever you want.
But you know what I think, Mr.
Keaton? I think you're just a nice, sweet guy.
Take that back.
I bet you've never done anything truly nasty in your entire life.
Oh, yeah? Get my family on the phone.
What did you ever do that showed a killer instinct? In the seventh grade I poured salt on a slug.
A lot of salt.
You're pathetic! Get out of my office! All right, fine, okay, okay.
Let me tell you something.
I may be a nice guy, but you have way too many lamps in this office! All right, you've pulled your drowning victim out of the water.
You've completed the resuscitation.
Now, the next step is to expel the water from the lungs, which is achieved with a firm push on the chest cavity so.
Oh, that's mature, Elyse.
Well, Steven, you've been letting that silly medical book dominate your whole life.
It's true, Dad.
Every day we've had a first-aid demonstration.
It's like living with the school nurse.
These are all very basic techniques that everyone should know! Dad, how often are we gonna have to extract poison arrows? Yeah, you walk around complaining about ailments you couldn't possibly have! Like what? Oh, Steven, you are not molting! Oh, no, Elyse? This is my second skin today.
I don't know what's happening to me.
Hey, guys.
Hey, honey, how was your first day at work? I quit.
Boy, nobody works at that place very long, do they? Ah, you guys were right.
I mean, I couldn't take that job after they fired Paul.
I thought I could just go down there and forget about it, but, uh, didn't work out that way.
Honey, I think that was very noble of you.
You had to make a choice between money and friendship, and you chose friendship.
Boy, I would have lost my shirt on that bet.
I don't think you guys fully appreciate how devastating this is to me.
I mean, I always assumed that when the time came, that I could be cold and heartless and tough.
That's what it takes to make it in the business world.
Instead it turns out I've got a conscience.
Damn it.
Alex, you did the right thing.
Otherwise you wouldn't have been able to live with yourself.
As Friedrich Nietzsche once said, "If a friend does evil to you, "say to him, 'I forgive you for what you did to me, but how could I forgive you for what you did to yourself?"' Grow up, Jen.
Alex, I'm sure there are plenty of sharks in the business world, but I'm also sure there are plenty of decent, compassionate people who have become very successful.
Oh, Dad, name one.
Well, there's your Uncle Charlie.
Dad, Uncle Charlie manufactures wax fruit.
Not only.
He's been getting into lips and candles.
No, no, let's face it.
I haven't got what it takes.
I'm just not tough enough to make it.
I got to find myself a kinder, gentler profession.
Maybe I'll become a nun.
You could work with me at the station.
Nuns make more.
Look, honey, even if you are nice, we're still proud of you.
Dad, I was looking in your medical book.
I have a question.
Oh, sure, Andy.
What's up? What's human reproduction? Well, Andy, it's, um Uh mm sort of Elyse? Your father doesn't actually know, honey.
It's, it's when a man and a woman, uh Birds do it.
Uh Bees do it.
Educated fleas do it.
Nice going, Dr.
Ruth.
Girls, help us out here.
How should we know? You never told us.
Un, Andy, look, come out in the kitchen - and we'll explain it to you.
Come on.
- Yeah.
I know what it means.
I just wanted to see how they would react.
Hey, Paul.
Are you crazy? Why did you quit? Listen, get on the phone, call Foster, and tell her you want that job back.
Forget it, Paul.
I'm not taking your job.
It's not my job.
It's a job and it's open.
You should have never let it go.
You would have done the same thing for me.
Oh, yeah, really? You think I would have quit a $45,000-a-year job for you? Yeah.
Well, you're right.
$50,000 would be a different story, of course.
I completely understand.
Well, I'll tell you this much, Alex.
You're a hell of a nice guy.
Look, I know, I know.
I'll grow out of it.
Anyway, there are a lot of, lot of jobs out there.
Oh, actually I, uh, I think I got a shot at a job over at Hughes-Simpson.
Hey, congratulations.
Hey, well, you know, guys like us bounce back quick.
Hey, you bet.
Think you can get me an interview? Sit, Ubu, sit.
Good dog.