It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s07e12 Episode Script

ALL: Reunion! Reunion! Reunion! Reunion! Reunion! Reunion! Reunion! Reunion! Reunion! Reunion! CHARLIE: Go! Chug, chug, chug! (guys cheer) MAC: Whoo! SWEET DEE: Yes! Fight song! Go! Fight song! ALL: "Let's go to the downtown" Is our motto show DENNIS: Let's go, St.
Joe's Go, St.
Joe's! Screw it.
That's a stupid song.
Oh, man, this reunion is going to be awesome, dude.
I am going to fire into that school, and it is gonna propel me back into the mid-'90s when Dennis Reynolds was a golden god.
Yeah.
Oh, I'm so excited to show these douche bags my new back.
No brace, fools! Baby got back! Oh-oh, baby got back.
Dee, what are you doing? Baby, got back.
You know that one.
Sir Mix-a-Lot.
Baby got Sir Mix-a-Lot was not talking about women whose backs have recovered from horrific spinal disorder.
He was talking about gorgeous black women and their big beautiful black butts.
FRANK: Black butts are good.
Whatever.
They're good, right? Guess what.
Baby got back, and I can't wait to shove it into these fools' faces, so let's get going.
Whatever.
I don't give a shit.
Let's just do what we always did before every school-sponsored event and let'ssmash 'em up? Let's smash 'em up! Oh Smash 'em up! Hey, right? I got these.
What, what are you doing there, Charlie? Huh? Oh, I'm packing a couple extra pair of underwear in case I get an atomic wedgie.
It's not gonna happen, dude.
We're adults now.
I'm not taking any risks here, all right? And if it does happen, I'm gonna get high, I'm gonna go to the bathroom, I'm gonna huff stuff.
No, Charlie, you don't have to do things like that anymore.
You don't need to huff shit or eat weird things to get people to like you.
Nah, I think he does.
You guys were pretty much nothing in high school.
If he wasn't the class clown and you didn't sell drugs, you'd definitely be nothing; nobodies.
Well, if shit happens, I'm going directly to Plan B.
We're not gonna have to do Plan B, okay? You know, I'm gonna come right out and say that I'm not doing Plan B regardless of what happens with you guys.
I'm only here for Plan B.
Oh, shit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Faculty or alumni? Neither one.
Well, you can't go in.
No, but we're friends.
We're buddies.
We hang out together.
We do everything together.
I don't care.
Okay, look, I'm gonna go inside because, Frank, I can't have you ruining this for me.
But what am I gonna do? I don't know! Hang out in the parking lot and drink beer till we're done.
We smashed all the beers.
Oh, no, actually, I have a few more.
You guys want one? You can't bring those inside.
Well, then guess what.
All right.
Smash 'em up! (all laugh) All right, turkey.
See ya, Frank.
See ya, jerk jerky.
Oh, yeah, baby, this is great.
This brings me back.
I'm anxious, I'm excited, I can't wait to see the waitress.
Charlie, give it a rest.
I know, but we've been clicking lately.
This is gonna be a good night for us.
Like, remember how she was the coolest girl in school? What are you talking about? No.
Well, she was definitely the prettiest girl in school.
She was not.
She was not, no.
Maybe the most forgettable girl in school.
Yeah, which, by the way, is the worst thing you could be in high school.
Totally insignificant.
Either way, good feelings are gonna get sparked up.
I'm gonna see her, she's gonna see me.
You guys, you guys, you guys.
What? Brad Fisher.
Brad Fisher.
He is not gonna be happy to see me after that present I gave him.
Uh, what present? Oh, the box of hornets.
Ooh, that acne really came back, didn't it? Yeah, it sure did.
The guy looks like shit.
Mm-hmm.
All right, I tell you what.
Why don't you guys sneak past him, and Mac and I will pick up the name tags.
Really? How does that sound? Yeah.
Okay.
We'll meet you inside.
Okay.
All right, go, go, go.
All right, come on.
Hey, hey, hey, it's Brad Fisher, all right! How you doing, buddy? BRAD: Not great.
Oh, yeah, well, the acne definitely came back in full force.
Yeah.
That's a shame, but I have products that will clear that acne up, man.
It's not acne, actually.
No, no, it's hornet scars.
Ooh! Ouch.
Yikes.
I don't think I have any products that'll, that'll take care of hornet scars.
That's more of a Plastic surgery situation.
Yeah, plastic surgery would do it, though.
Yeah.
But lasers Lasers would do it.
They'd blast those monsters Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You guys seen Charlie around? Charlie Kelly? Yeah.
No.
No, we don't, we don't associate with him anymore.
All right, I'm gonna take off.
Okay.
Messy.
Ooh-hoo-hoo.
Let's stay out of that.
Yeah, let's stay out of that.
Let's just grab our name tags, huh? I don't see 'em over here.
Oh, here we go.
Okay, we got Charlie, we got Dee, I got myself right there.
Yeah.
And, uh, I'm not seeing yours.
Yeah, I grabbed mine already.
It's in my pocket.
Oh, did you grab it? Yeah.
Oh, okay, well, pop it on.
Uh, I'm probably not gonna wear mine.
I mean, who wears a name tag, right? That's not cool.
I'm gonna wear mine.
I'm seeing everybody else wearing their name tags, so just pop that on, buddy.
Nobody calls me this anymore.
And I feel like it's gonna confuse people.
It's not, because everybody called you that in high school, so pop it on because it's definitely a rule and they're not gonna let you inside without it.
It's been so long.
It's probably not even my name legally anymore.
You're gonna have to pop it on.
(sighs) Okay.
(heart pounding) Good.
Well, okay, Ronald McDonald.
Don't call me that.
Well, it's your name.
So, Ronald, I'm gonna take a little lap around, get people abuzz about my presence at the reunion.
And I'll meet up with you guys later, okay? (chuckles) No one, no one calls me Is he looking? Who? That guy? Yes, is he looking at my back rig now? Do you see the waitress anywhere? Come on.
Shut up.
He's not looking at your back, Dee.
Are you sure? Why are you so obsessed with this guy? It's Adriano Calvaniste, Charlie.
It's the guy who coined the name "Aluminum monster.
" Really? That's him?! Yes.
That's cool.
I want to meet him.
You have met him, Charlie.
He called you Dirtgrub and he made you eat spiders.
Oh, that guy! Yeah.
Oh, he was, like, so cool.
He was, like, way above me.
Yeah, him and his cronies all thought that they were way above you and everybody else, but I've got a plan to get revenge.
I'm gonna sew myself into their inner circle.
Cool.
How you gonna do that? Well, I'm gonna lure 'em in with my good looks, and then as far as I remember, all you really got to do to get in with that crowd is be really cruel to people.
Right.
So I'm gonna gain their trust and when the moment's right, I'm gonna strike.
Oh, cool, all right.
I'm doing it for us, Charlie.
Oh, okay.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Is it, is it him? He's coming over.
All right, do you see a spider I can eat? I can eat a spider.
No, stop.
Charlie, keep your mouth shut, keep your ADRIANO: Hey, um, excuse me, but aren't you the aluminum monster? Yes.
I mean, no.
People don't call me that anymore, but yeah.
Nor should they.
I mean, wow, you've, uh, you've really transformed.
You look great.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Thanks.
Hey, Dirtgrub.
How are you? That's so cool.
You're so cool, Adriano.
Yeah.
Hey, um, why don't you smell this? Well, it's probably poisonous, right? Probably, but, you know, smell it anyway.
Should-should I smell it? Smell it.
Come on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Charlie! What are you doing, dude? Oh, he wanted me to smell a pen, and I was going to smell the pen, because it's Adriano You don't have to do that anymore.
Hey, Ronald McDonald, right? No, no.
For your information, nobody calls me that.
Right, right.
What did we call you? Ronnie the Rat.
Ronnie the Rat, yeah, I remember, yeah, yeah.
Why did we call him that anyway? 'Cause he was a nark and a tattletale, and he became the main drug dealer when he told on the other main drug dealer.
Right, yeah, yeah, I remember.
Well, looks like the rat got a little too much cheese, huh? Fat.
That's not funny.
I put on mass.
We eat a lot of cheese.
We eat a lot of cheese.
To put on mass.
Didn't you also give everybody ringworm? No, no.
That was a rumor.
I only gave ringworm to Charlie.
I got it from my dog Poppins, and then Charlie and I were wrestling every day because we were trying out for the wrestling team, and then, you know, we just sort of passed it back and forth.
We passed it back and forth Although then we did try out for the wrestling team, and then I do think a couple of the guys got it on the team, so yeah, you're right, you're right.
Wow, yeah, yeah, no, that is really gross.
I mean, that is Yeah, that's about as low as it gets.
They probably still have it, 'cause they're so gay together.
Totally.
Hey, Dee, why don't you come back to our table-- you know, have a drink? Oh, yeah, okay.
Yeah? That sounds cool.
See you later, Dirtgrub and Ronnie the Rat.
Hope you suck each other's rotten peckers until you get mouth cancer.
Mouth cancer.
Can I come to the table? No! For some reason, homophobia, it's just, it's awesome to these guys.
I'm sewing myself in.
I'm doing this for us, okay? What the hell is she talking about? She's going to strike when the moment's right.
She's doing it for us, dude.
Really? Yeah.
Did you thank her? Of course I thanked her, absolutely.
Oh, what's up, boys? Hey.
All right, I got your name tags.
Oh.
Hey, did you get on Mac about his? Yeah, he's got It's not that It's not funny.
That's so funny.
Adriano came over, blasted him about it.
Oh he did? Oh, good, oh good.
So Adriano's probably going to tell everybody about it.
That's going to get around the whole reunion.
It'll get going round and round and round.
Probably not.
Probably getting old already.
So listen, guys, this is where we part ways, all right? So do do not talk to me for the rest of the night, and know that I won't be talking to you, because you lower my stock.
You guys get it.
I'm going to go post up one of these tables around here, let my loyal subjects come and kiss my ring.
Listen, don't laugh when people make fun of me.
Yo, Stash.
Stash.
What's up, brother? Dennis.
Sit down, man.
Let's catch up a little bit.
Okay, all right, I'll catch you later, man.
Hey, if you see any of the old crew, let them know I'm posted up over here.
I don't think they know I'm-- I'm here.
Dennis.
What are you? I snuck right by that security prick.
Look, I got myself a name tag.
I'm Nicki Potnick.
Remember the time he crashed my car into the tree? He went crazy and the tire went down We had such a good time.
Okay, Frank, first off, Nicki Potnick is a girl, okay? And secondly, she's not 65 years old.
I don't want to talk to you.
I don't want to be around you.
Go find Mac and Charlie.
Go, go, go.
Why-- why are you sitting at a table with no people? I thought you were cool.
I am cool.
I'm the coolest kid here.
I'm just, you know, posting up, and they're going to come to me.
I don't know what's going on.
MAUREEN: Hello, Dennis.
Whoa.
Oh, goddamn.
You're late on your alimony.
Can we not talk about alimony payments right now? We're at our reunion.
Didn't think you'd run into your ex-wife, huh? No, I didn't think about it, Maureen, because I don't think about you.
Really? No.
What do you think about this? Oh, it wafted over here.
The dead tooth-- it spurted in my nose, it stinks.
What is that supposed to be? That's where your monthly payments are going.
That's a diamond tooth, Dennis.
A dead tooth, Maureen.
With a diamond in it.
Put a diamond on anything that's dead, and it's still dead, Maureen.
It's rotting.
Get it out of your face.
Look, I don't want to talk about these things, all right? I don't want to talk to old men who are pretending to be women, and-and ex-wives, all right? I can't be seen like this.
Hello, bitches.
Oh, for! That's right, I'm off the wagon.
Yeah.
You know what, Dennis? I went to go find my name tag-- they didn't have one for me.
Oh, really? All right, see you later.
Yeah, I went to go find my name tag-- they didn't even have one.
It's like-- it's like what, I never existed? I mean, who cares though, right? 'Cause it's high school.
Who cares? (laughing) Me, too.
Here we go, grab it.
Oh, yes! Shots for everybody.
Shots for the cool Oh, Rickety Cricket, everybody.
Look at this.
Rickety, rickety, rickety.
(blubbering) (all laughing) Rickety Cricket! Cricks, how are you? All cleaned up huh, except for that tooth.
Well, actually it's Father Mara again.
Is it? I cleaned up, yes, and I was welcomed back into the cloth.
God had a plan for me.
Took me into a deep valley, but now I'm soaring on eagle's wings, so praise Him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All that, street rat.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I tell you what, Crick, should I put my balls on your chin now or later, huh? Huh, huh? Down the hatch, everybody.
Down the hatch, everybody but you, Father.
All right, well, nonetheless, I say to you peace, peace be to you, Deandra, okay? That's weird.
And peace be to you, my lady.
And to you, my son, peace be to you.
To you.
Hey, hey, everybody, remember me? Probably not.
Sat behind you in Spanish, remember? Sat sat right next to you in Algebra one.
Who the hell is that? Oh, I don't know.
I've never seen her before in my life.
Dee.
Dee, you know me, Dee.
I know Dee.
Me and Dee, we go way back.
Bad choice on the dress, know what I mean? I know you, bitch.
I know you, bitch.
Oh, hey.
More shots, more shots, more shots, more shots, more shots, more shots.
I'm the queen of the night.
I'm the queen of the night, right, cool table? Wow, I just shook your dead tooth wife.
I mean, I had to wash my hands and face.
I am trying to shake you, Frank.
It just smells so bad.
Please go away from me.
Please get away.
Yo, Dennis.
Oh, shit.
It's Tim Murphy.
Son of a bitch.
Who's Tim Murphy? Tim Murphy is the asshole that slept with my prom date.
Dennis Reynolds, what's up, man? Oh, hey, Tim.
This is my wife Christie.
Dennis and I used to be really good friends.
Oh, hi.
Nice to meet you.
Nicki Potnick.
Shut up.
Oh, hey, honey? Yeah? Let's go dance.
Why don't you go ahead.
I'm going to hang for a bit.
Oh, okay.
Nice to meet you both.
Oh.
Va-va-voom.
Anyhow, I saw you standing over here alone.
I wanted to invite you over to our table.
Oh, I won't be going anywhere with you, Tim.
Okay, why? Don't you play coy with me, you little bitch.
I'm going to stay right here, and I'm going to wait for my minions to swarm me.
And swarm they will, Tim.
Alone you'll be.
Ha.
Such sad little games we play.
Right, Tim? Right.
Same old Dennis Reynolds.
You look good, Nicki.
Thank you, Tim! Mm.
Thank you.
Seems like a nice guy.
He's not.
Go! Go away from me! We just got to get our mojo back.
Yeah.
Get some drinks in us, and Confidence, yeah.
Six beers, for the two of us, please.
Drink tickets for the two of us, please.
Oh, all right.
Here.
Dude, this is only four.
That's all they gave us, bozo.
Well, that's only two per person, bozo.
Well, how am I supposed to get drunk off of only four beers? I, I Is there any way you can work something out? Or Two tickets per person, guy.
I didn't ask you, pretty boy.
It's a conversation between me and the longhair.
Okay.
None for him, or the fat bitch.
(laughing) You making this about weight? He's gained a lot of weight.
I'm not going to take some shit from some bartender.
You're a bartender.
He doesn't know that! Hey, did you guys see Ronald McDonald's his name? (laughing) Hey! Eight beers, my friends.
What's up, buddy? How are you? Boom! Hey, buddy.
Whoa.
I thought it was only two per person! The, uh, computer lab printed out like a hundred of them.
Way more than I need.
That's awesome.
Can we get a few of them? No.
No way.
I, I'm sorry I brought it up, man.
Yeah.
Hey, Adriano, can I get some more of those tickets? Yeah, you bet.
Here.
Help yourself.
Awesome.
Son of a bitch! He just gave them to that guy.
Well, that guy's cool, so Okay, I got an idea, man.
I got a, I got an excellent plan, Charlie.
We're going to get everything we need, we're going to get our confidence back, and we're going to fire back into this room.
You ready? Okay, good.
Here we go.
I want those guys to like us.
Follow my lead.
Okay.
Adriano made fake tickets.
Those tickets are fake! Don't rat on him! But he made fake ones, and he gets to drink and we don't.
That's not fair! Bro, I'm sorry.
If those are fake, you can't get any of these beers.
Come on.
(Mac laughs) You got in trouble.
You got in trouble! Wow.
Ronnie the Rat strikes again, huh? Thanks a lot, douchebag.
You're the worst, Dirtgrub.
Yeah.
I didn't have anything to do Don't sell me out.
See what you did, man? We're supposed to be on the same team, Charlie.
Aw see, high school sucks! You know what? I'm going to go to the bathroom, I'm going to find stuff to huff, I'm going to get high.
If I'm the Dirtgrub, I'm going to be the Dirtgrub.
(Mac sighs in exasperation) We're going to go into Plan B.
Because I brought Dee's old back brace, and I got it in the car.
So, we can implement Not now, Frank! A little rehearsal or something.
No, Charlie, dude, you don't have to do this.
We can find another way.
Yes, I do! I'm just the Dirtgrub, okay? Everyone wants the Dirtgrub, I'll give 'em the Dirtgrub.
I'll get high, I'll get sad.
People can laugh at me.
I hate high school, man.
Charlie, Charlie, don't put the bleach and the ammonia together! It's going to knock the shit out of you.
Don't tell me how to mix my own inhalants! I know how to do inhalants.
Charlie, it's going to knock you unconscious.
Okay, I know how to do my own inhalants, okay? I don't need that from God.
Whoops-a-daisy.
That's it.
All right.
Well, let's just wait till he wakes up, and then we'll Oh, wow.
What do we got here? Ronnie the Rat and, uh Hey, look, everyone, Nicki Potnick made it to the reunion.
(laughing) Hello.
Looks like you had a rough couple of years, there, Nicki.
Uh, yeah.
I'm a guy now.
Mm.
Right.
Yeah.
What are you guys doing, perving out on Dirtgrub over there? Yeah, probably.
That's what these gay guys do, they just knock each other out with poppers, and then find some kinda rabies-infested rodent to tickle each other's taints with.
(laughing) No.
No, that's not what we're doing, all right? We are grown adults.
We are respected businessmen now.
You did kind of rat me out there, Ronnie, so Yeah, so, I guess it's time to pay the piper, Rat.
And, uh old man I don't know.
Whoa! No, no! What the hell are?! (yelling) Ah! Ow! I've been waiting a long time for this.
You know me! Oh, God! I'm a grown, goddamn man! (yelling) You should stay away from those people.
I mean, they-they will ruin your life like they tried to ruin mine.
Oh! You guys just missed something so awesome that we did.
Heed my warning.
Hey, how you guys doing? Yeah.
I'm here.
Can you believe I came to this thing? Yeah, I was posted up over there, I guess you guys probably didn't see me.
No, we saw you.
Oh, did you? Oh, okay, well no reason to be intimidated.
You know? I'm a human being, after all.
You know, just a just a man.
Actually, we're good.
Uh, no, Tim.
We're not good.
And you're definitely not good, because you haven't had the chance to hang out with me yet.
Um my wallet's missing.
Oh my God, my necklace is missing.
Come on! My gold chain's gone.
Have you seen my necklace? Oh, my.
And with all the security.
The fact you even need it Wait a second, Mara.
What is that around your neck? Hmm? Oh, that's, uh probably just a ar that What the hell? Ah.
(people exclaiming) Ah! I've sinned! My God, you are covered in ringworm.
It's her fault.
She told me she loved me.
We were supposed to be together forever.
Calm down, Cricks.
What's he talking about? Dee, were you two together? No! Me, with him? I what are you, crazy? No! Yeah, I told him I loved him once, but that was like four years ago.
You two probably have ringworm together, don't you? No! No, of course I don't have ringworm! No no no, stay away from me! To think I was going to let you jack me off Wait wait you were? Unbelievable.
Get this asshole out of here.
Come on.
No, no! Come on, move, come on.
Hey, you know I don't have ringworm, right? You guys.
No, we don't have ringworm.
I don't have ringworm.
No, no, we're cool! Yeah, we're like the Oh, really? Oh, son of a bitch.
(sighs)