The Goldbergs s07e12 Episode Script

1 ADULT ADAM: Ah, the board games of the '80s.
Nothing bonded families faster than a magical night spent rolling dice and trapping mice with loved ones.
No one was more into it than my mom.
Surprise! It's game night! - (ALL GROAN) - That's right.
I blatantly lied to your faces to get you here.
So, I'm not getting an all-expenses-paid trip to Japan to have my own samurai sword forged from the iron of Mount Fuji? Not even a little bit.
So, pint-sized comedy genius Emmanuel Lewis isn't here to discuss future projects? You'll be the only tiny wonder in this house.
So, an A&R guy didn't reach out about a demo tape I made last year? - You're a hit with me.
- I ran here.
And my high school sweetheart didn't call, hoping to reconnect? She did call, but only to tell you to stop calling.
I'll stop calling when her nurse stops picking up.
- So, no pizza? - Phone's right there.
When will this deceit end? I just wanted one evening where we're all together in a focused seven-hour window.
Seven hours? That's almost half a night's sleep.
And aren't you forgetting we never actually play 'cause we can never agree on a game? While I do agree we've had some setbacks POPS: Setbacks? In a fit of rage, Barry kicked the Operation game and needed a real operation.
They sewed my toe back on, and now I have to think extra hard when I want to wiggle it.
Despite Barry's zombie toe, we can still have a good night.
- Who wants to play Boggle? - BARRY: Pass.
I used the timer as salt by mistake.
Here's an oldie but a goodie.
Tiddlywinks.
"Tiddly-winks"? Tell me more about this arousing game.
Well, you use a big disc to get a little disc into a medium cup.
Oh, I've been betrayed again.
Just call it "Disc-cup" so I know it sucks! The Game of Life? I've already played it.
Turns out, there are no winners.
- You'll see.
- I'm calling it.
TV wins.
- You can't just leave.
- I'm up already.
Eh.
Me, too.
I'm gonna use my "get out of hell free" card.
- Same.
- Tiddlywinks? - This is all your fault.
- On the bright side, Bevy, we were all together for a little while.
- Three minutes.
- Oy.
Man, it dragged.
(SIGHS) What do ya say, Bar? How about a heady game of Stratego with your mama? That's so sweet you'd think I'd do that with you.
Damn it! All I wanted was one special night with my family! Here's a healthy outlet for your anger - Flip the board.
- Well, that doesn't sound very healthy.
Do it Or I will.
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day ADULT ADAM: It was January 22nd, 1980-something, and for the first time in my life, science class was gonna get interesting.
Okay, loyal students, I want to tell you about a great book I read on helium.
- Couldn't put it down.
(CHUCKLES) - Was that a joke? 'Cause it went over like a lead balloon.
Damn it.
Have I been learning stuff? If that didn't make you laugh, neither will this I'm assigning partners for your midterm lab.
- (STUDENTS GROAN) - Adam Goldberg, ah, you're with Brea Bee.
I be with Brea-who? ADULT ADAM: But I knew exactly who she was.
Everyone did.
She was Brea Bee, and she was the coolest girl in school.
- What's up, Adam? - You know my name? Uh, yeah.
We've been in school together since kindergarten.
For sure.
The big K.
Followed by "indergarten.
" Kindergarten, when you put it all together.
Which you already had.
But, moving on Brighton Beach Memoirs.
It's a coming-of-age comedy about a boy with a crazy family.
It checks a lot of boxes for me.
I love Neil Simon.
Did you know Ferris Bueller's in Biloxi Blues? (STAMMERING) Oh, my God.
Are you choking? You not only know who Neil Simon is, but you reference Matthew Broderick by his iconic character's name.
What's the problem? The problem is you're Brea Bee.
(CHUCKLING) Adam, don't be ridiculous.
I'm just like everyone else.
You're the most popular girl in school.
That was just a unanimous vote in the yearbook.
- It means nothing.
- Even your dismissal of the high-school social order is refreshing.
Come on.
We have a lab to do.
Of course.
How about I just do it all and we'll share the credit? - Good? - Not good.
You take all the credit and I'll do summer school.
No way, man.
We're doing this together.
Look, Adam, trust me, once you get to know me, you're gonna like me.
Challenge accepted.
- (CHUCKLES) - Come on.
Everyone shut up.
I'm pretty sure I've just been vibing with Brea Bee.
I heard you're not supposed to tell crazy people that they're crazy, but you're crazy.
Yeah, that makes no sense.
You're wildly unappealing.
I'm having a hard time believing it, too.
But there's something there.
We both like Neil Simon.
Everyone likes Neil Simon.
He's the Brooklyn Bard.
He makes your people folksy and relatable.
She's also a great person.
She can't be nice and hot.
No one needs two ways to get stuff.
In my experience, kindness and beauty do not go hand-in-hand.
- He sees me.
- You definitely read the situation wrong.
There's no way Brea Bee even knows your name.
- Hey, Adam.
- Hey, Brea.
- Holy crap! - I know the guy who knows Brea.
- I find you attractive now.
- Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go share my lunch hour with her.
Just like that? It's one thing to vibe over chem lab.
It's another thing entirely to sit with the cool kids.
ADULT ADAM: Maybe, but I didn't care.
After science class, I was flying high.
I'm going in.
He can't just walk over there.
ADULT ADAM: Why not? Who was gonna stop me? Hey, you lost, bro? Yeah.
That's a no-go.
This is the cool table and you're A flaming hot turd of nothing.
(CRUNCH) But Brea Bee is my lab partner.
- We don't make the rules.
- I mean, we do.
And you could try to appeal, but I'll bury you in paperwork.
She's right there.
Just let me make eye contact, - and she'll wave me in.
- Bro, stop trying to violate the well-established social hierarchy of the cafeteria.
But I'm cool You know, in an offbeat, non-traditional way that'll surely have more value in adulthood.
Yeah, I'm gonna dump this dry salad on your head.
It's still embarrassing, but it cleans up easy.
ADULT ADAM: While the cool kids were putting me in my place, Geoff and Erica were getting cozy in theirs.
Molly Ringwald really is pretty in pink.
Redheads traditionally can't pull off a gentle blush, but that's how great an actress she is She has color range, too.
Can I tell you something? I really like living with you.
Aw.
Me too.
You know, except for the debilitating fear of being found out by our parents.
- Yeah, I'm good with it.
- What a fun and contrary view of the situation.
You know what else could be fun - We tell them? - Naw.
This is easier.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) BEVERLY: Yoo-hoo! It's your mama! Code Bev! Go, go, go! ADULT ADAM: Yeah, my mom had a habit of dropping by the dorm unannounced.
Luckily, Erica and Geoff had gotten pretty good at making it look like Barry still lived there.
BEVERLY: Hey, I heard a new song on the radio by that man with the tushie Uh, Bert Springbean? So, I went to Sam Goody, got in a fight with a man with a feather earring, and raced here with the cassingle.
There's my schmoopaloopa.
Where's your brother? He's got to hear this.
Yeah, he's indisposed.
Hey, Barry, everything going okay in there? BARRY'S VOICE: (FROM KEYBOARD) Hi, Mom, this isn't a good time.
- This is Barry.
- But I haven't seen you all week.
Open the door and let me hold your hand while you make poopalas.
Thanks for stopping by! This is Barry.
Yeah, it's no bueno in there.
Let me walk you to your car.
Uh-oh! Barry did it again.
(LAUGHING) Oh! There you go, my big boy.
This is Barry.
I'm enjoying a shower.
What? It doesn't sound like it.
Testing.
Erica, I don't think this is working.
What a weird thing to say.
It really is, but he's obviously going through a lot, so let's not pull threads.
Remind him to wash his bottom.
ERICA: Absolutely not.
ERICA: What the hell, man? You didn't have to get in the shower.
I don't know! ADULT ADAM: As Erica and Geoff had a close call, I needed some advice on how to get close to Brea Bee.
Pops, it's a dire romantic emergency.
Why do you think I hang out here all day buttering up bagels? Okay, I kind of hit it off with this girl, but I think she might be way too cool for me.
- What do I do? - Just be yourself.
And? No "and.
" That's it.
You never let me down, Pops.
- Pops let me down! - "Be yourself"? You? Yourself? - Being it? - I know, Dave Kim.
She's one of the chosen ones, the beautiful elite, the best kind of aloof.
They'll never accept this.
You don't have to waft.
I know, Dave Kim! You need to get better advice.
I know, Dave Kim! But who's cool enough to guide you? ADULT ADAM: Turns out, there was someone Mr.
Perott, our new guidance counselor.
Yep, he wore a leather jacket and was the epitome of cool.
I think I know, Dave Kim.
Here's some advice Right after you graduate, take a couple years and bike right across Africa.
See where this mixed-up world got started.
I can't hear a single word you're saying because I'm positive you're gonna lop off your thumb.
What's that? This silly thing? Haw! (EXHALES SHARPLY) That was so terrifyingly masculine, sir.
Sure.
So, what are we thinking here? College? Trade school? The Army? You probably can't tell, but I'm a - Hardcore nerd? - Whoa! - You can't call me that.
- I can.
Because I was one, too.
That's you? You're so - Scrawny, zitty, pasty? - Exactly.
- How is this kid you? - Well, I got a haircut, I slapped on some acne cream, and then I hit the gym.
But that's only part of it, Adam.
I need to know.
Tell me everything.
Okay.
- You're just gonna do it? - Why not? I mean, I already told three students to bike across Africa this morning.
I can phone it in for the rest of the day.
So, we start with your signature look.
For example, I always have a pair of sunglasses on me, just in case I need to dramatically toss them off like this.
(SUNGLASSES THUD) Your disregard for eyewear makes me know you mean business.
Next, ABCG Always Be Chewing Gum.
That way, you look both busy and laid-back all at once.
Laid-back and busy.
I'll be like a CEO from California.
Third Make sure you never give anyone your full attention.
(SNAPS FINGERS) I'm over here.
See how you got a little confused there, like there was something more interesting behind you? There wasn't.
I just made that up.
So rude and effective.
And finally, whenever you're walking, play a kick-ass jam in your head.
Would the Ewok celebration song Yub Nub work? I've never heard it before, but no.
Whoa, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam Whoa, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam Black Betty had a child ADULT ADAM: And so Mr.
Perott took me under his badass wing.
Meanwhile, Erica and Geoff needed Barry's help to get their plan to fly.
We need to talk Right after you tell us what you're doing.
I'm just cutting up various balls to see what's inside of them.
Biggest surprise? Soccer ball Nothing.
- Is that my soccer ball? - I wouldn't know.
What brings you to Barry's Xanadu? You need to make quality time with Mom.
- She misses you too much.
- Who can blame her? I'm a delight.
No, idiot.
She keeps showing up unexpectedly, looking for you.
My nosebleeds are way up.
Ha! She's gonna find out you're living in sin, freak out, and destroy your love.
Barry, do you like it here? I'm living with my bros in this dope pad with a solid 2.
1 GPA.
I don't know how life can get any better.
If your Mom busts us, it's not only the end of me living with Erica, it's the end of you living here, too.
Oh, no.
You shined a light on the consequences, and now I suddenly care.
What do we do? We give Mom what she wants the most.
- Game night? - You know it, girl.
I even brought Connect Four so that we can connect two.
- Aww.
- Okay, well, you guys have family fun.
- Bye.
- Run, Geoff.
- Oh, no, Geoffrey.
- GEOFF: Wha You're not going anywhere.
Tonight's an all-play.
- But I was just dropping them off - Shh, shh, shh.
- Okay, I'm in the hug now, so - Game night.
Oh, I'm so excited, I could (BLEEP) puke! (LAUGHS) I might, too.
ADULT ADAM: Mr.
Perott had taught me his tricks for being cool, and now I was ready to take his advice out for a test drive.
Put this somewhere safe, Doc.
What an incredibly informal way to talk to an adult, but I'm on it.
You can't make us move.
We're allowed to sit here.
Wait.
Adam? In the flesh And leather.
- Me likey.
- I get it.
His unearned confidence and sunglasses make him desirable.
That's exactly what I'm going for, Dave Kim.
Dude, you should go talk to Brea.
Already on my way, muchacho.
He casually threw in Spanish.
ADULT ADAM: Perott's advice was working.
I was crushing it.
And this time, there really was nothing that would stop me from lunching it up with Brea Bee.
Whoa.
Goldnerd, is that you? - Make a hole.
- For some reason, my body's obliging your wishes.
(SUNGLASSES THUD) Disposable shades and a leather jacket? What kind of a budget is this guy working with? ADULT ADAM: Success! Time to put Perott's tips into overdrive.
- Adam.
- Oh, hey, Brea.
- Didn't see you there.
- You look different.
Are you in the spring production of West Side Story? No, these are my new everyday threads.
Ooh.
My God.
- That's a lot of gum.
- (MUFFLED) Thank you.
- What? - No, it's actually fine.
Sorry, I can't understand you.
- It's kind of cool, huh? - Also, you're drooling a little.
(SPITS) - (CHUCKLES) - (NORMAL VOICE) I'm enjoying this, uh, give-and-take, you know? Are you looking at me, or is there someone behind me? I'm not not looking at you.
- It's still happening.
- So whatcha doing later? I don't know.
Hanging with the crew.
- Do you wanna join? - What's the plan? Plan is we pick you up at night.
That's not really a time.
- Doing what exactly? - Stuff.
Well, then I'll be there, whenever that is, at some point.
Ta.
Brea just invited me to hang.
We have loose plans.
Loose plans? It really is a different world.
ADULT ADAM: As my newfound coolness was paying off, Goldberg game night was officially on.
BEVERLY: Guess who? I'll give you a hint I'm a beautiful blonde with delicious eyes and a hint of spunk.
- Daryl Hannah! - It's me, your mama.
So, let me show you our other games for the evening.
Bed Bugs! Mall Madness.
Smurf Ahoy! Pig Pong.
Don't Spill the Beans.
Crackers In My Bed.
Girl Talk.
Pizza Party! Pizza Party! And Mouse Trap.
What about you, Geoff? Are you ready to get trapped? Trapped? Why? 'Cause I'm lying? Is it hot in here? Mr.
G, did you turn the heat on? In January? Not a chance! Okay.
Uh, where's the bathroom? What are you talking about, Geoff? You know where the bathroom is.
I don't know anything.
Maybe you remodeled.
- Stop questioning me! - Why don't I show you? Dude, pull it together.
I can't.
I'm afraid at any moment, I'll blurt out we're living together.
Just relax.
By the time we get back, this all will have fallen apart.
The Goldbergs have never even been able to choose a game.
(GASPS) (SINGSONG VOICE) We're playing Family Feud! - Oh, they chose.
- No way.
Dad, you're good with this? Survey says Hoo-hoo! So fun.
Let's start a feud with your family, Erica.
(NORMAL VOICE) Oh, we don't feud against ourselves.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - Then who? Tell me who.
Please welcome the Schwartz family.
Lou and Linda, come on down.
- Mom? Dad? - Hi, sweetie.
- We brought carrots! - Whoo! Bathroom again! I can't lie to my parents.
Just focus on the game and say nothing else.
- I'll try.
- (TOILET FLUSHES) - Why did you do that? - It'd be weirder if I didn't.
- (TOILET FLUSHES) - That one's for you.
Okay, hands on buzzers.
Name something you put on your pizza.
- (BELL DINGS) - We're living together.
I mean, pepperoni! - What was that? - He said pepperoni! Show me pepperoni! Ding, ding, ding! Geoff, you have control.
Doesn't feel like I do! And bathroom? ADULT ADAM: While Geoff crumbled, I was ready for a cool night of loose plans.
Hey, gang.
Thanks for showing up.
I totally haven't been ready and waiting outside since 5:00.
Why are you wearing shades at night? Did you just get your pupils dilated? I just have a blatant disregard for social norms.
- Like Bono or Anna Wintour.
- Badass.
So, any idea what we're doing tonight? Let's say we play some baseball.
I'm not a big baseball guy.
I'm more into contact sports, like hot potato or red rover.
Don't you worry.
There's gonna be plenty of contact.
Yeah! (LAUGHS) Oh, my God! What did you just do? My man just hit a home run in mailbox baseball! It's just like real baseball, except it's vandalism.
Bro, you're up.
- Oh, no, thank you.
- But you're hitting cleanup.
Meaning you pull over and we clean up the mess you made? Meaning you're making a bigger mess with this bat I'm handing you.
ADULT ADAM: In that moment, I had a choice Show Brea I could hang with the crew or do the right thing.
Hi-ya! - Oh! - Oh! Holy crap! I did neither.
- I missed it.
- My brother's Buick! Oh! And his bat? Not cool, man! (BRAKES SCREECH) You know what else isn't cool? This.
Gah.
I'm a fool to have wanted to be accepted by you so I could charm a girl who's way out of my league.
- Jodie Foster? - Brea.
Adam, you did all this for me? You're so popular and pretty, and for a moment, I guess I thought we had a connection.
- I didn't know that.
- Now you do.
Sorry about the mirror.
I'd appreciate if we didn't go through insurance to fix it.
As everything with Brea fell apart, Geoff and Erica were still holding it together.
- Thank God it's over.
- And yet it's not, young Geoffrey.
With tonight's success, Mom will surely want to do this again every week.
But I'll crumble under the weight of our thousands of lies! It'll be fine.
We'll do whatever it takes to keep our secret.
What secret? That you guys are living together? Oh, no.
She knows.
Erica, she knows.
I know she knows.
How do you know? I suspected, and also Geoff blurted it out three times tonight.
It's true! We're living together! Why do I keep saying it? Pepperoni! - Before you get upset - Before? I'm furious! You have no right to be.
We're both adults who can make our own decisions.
If you were adults, I wouldn't have had to find out this way.
- Mom - Don't.
I'm not happy that you guys are living together, but you know what breaks my heart more than anything? (BREATHES DEEPLY) Is how far you went to hide this from me.
And I'm living with the JTP, which is a relatively minor betrayal in light of Erica's shocking news.
ADULT ADAM: After striking out with Brea Bee, all that was left to do was clean up.
Mr.
Perott, what are you doing here? Well, I have a police scanner, and I heard there was trouble.
- You all right, kid? - Not even a little.
Well, hop on.
I'll give you a ride home.
Or maybe you want to split a cab? Nah.
Motorcycles are super safe.
Here.
I've already made a bunch of terrible decisions today.
I might as well just continue.
Just please drive slow! (ENGINE REVS) So, what's eating atcha? So, we're just gonna talk about this now, like this isn't terrifying? Car, car, car! Ah, it's parked.
Come on.
Spill.
I guess it all started (GASPS) Oh, no, it's a curve! Do I lean with you or away from you? Oh-aah! I'm so scared! All right.
It's gonna be straight for a while.
- This is your chance.
- Fine.
I'll try to get it out before we die.
There's an amazing girl, and my grandfather gave me stupid advice, so I went to you, and you told me to be cool, and it worked, but then I committed a postal crime, and I hate myself.
- (INSECT BUZZES) - I got some good news for you, buddy.
You're not cool.
That's not good news, and I just ate a bug.
Look, I know I may seem cool, but I'm an unmarried 48-year-old with a crap ton of student debt, and I got dental issues from chewing gum all day.
What are you saying? Being cool is different from being happy.
That comes from feeling good on the inside.
And as far as I'm concerned, the old nerdy Adam Goldberg has plenty to feel good about.
Wait.
Now you're telling me to just be myself? Yeah.
Sounds good.
You should do that.
I can't believe it.
Pops was right all along.
Yellow light! Yellow light! - We got this! - (ADAM SCREAMS) ADULT ADAM: As Mr.
Perott finally guided me in the right direction, my mom was left feeling betrayed.
- Living together, Murray.
- I get it.
Li-ving to-ge-ther! Now I really get it.
Okay, here's what's gonna happen.
Barry and Erica are gonna move back here.
We're gonna home-college them and occasionally let them into the backyard for vitamin D and free play.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You're okay with your sweet little peanut shacking up with that walking menace Geoff Schwartz? Menace? They already spent the summer in a van half the size of a dorm room.
That's beside the point.
She loves him, he loves her.
I don't like anybody, and I like him! Well, he is sweet and smart and would do anything for her.
And I've never seen her this happy.
I guess.
I know.
For someone who worries so much about failing as a mother, I'd take this as a win.
ADULT ADAM: It's crazy how, no matter where we are in our lives, we still struggle to do what's right.
Brea? Listen, um I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry.
Sorry? But I ruined your night.
Are you kidding? I hate it when those guys do that stuff.
I never say anything.
It's cool that you did.
'Cause we both know there's no one cooler than me.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) So, can I sit? Uh, let me think about it Yes.
- When I'm with you - ADULT ADAM: Turns out, we all need a little guidance sometimes.
You just have to know where to look for it, and then it'll all make sense.
You are the sun What's this for? For everything you do.
Thanks.
No thanks needed.
But I'll take it.
ADULT ADAM: Everyone bends the rules a little bit, but that's what makes life exciting.
- What's all this? - It's fine, Mom.
Everything's gonna go back to the way it was.
Stop.
No one needs to move anywhere.
Barry wins and doesn't need to know more.
Yes! Good luck.
So, you're just good with all this? No.
(CHUCKLES) But I'm trying to be because the truth is, you and Geoff belong together.
Holy crap.
Really? Yeah.
But you have to understand how hard this is for me.
When I first met you, you were a perfect, barely-seven-pound little being.
You relied on me for everything, and now you're a grown woman, and making all your own choices, and I am just trying to be okay with that.
I get it.
And I promise to be more honest with you from now on.
Maybe we can talk about it at our next game night.
(EXHALES SHARPLY) I would love that.
You are the sun You are the rain ADULT ADAM: In the end, we all make choices every day that feel like a roll of the dice, and that can be scary, but also exciting.
One thing's for sure, though, if you're playing the crazy game of life with the people you love, everyone's a winner.
You are the sun, you are Now we have our first commercial in store for you.
Be a winner at The Game of Life Be a winner of The Game of Life - Get married - Get married Have a baby Have a baby (LAUGHS) JTP residence.
Go for Big Tasty.
- BARRY'S VOICE: It's Barry.
- No, I'm Barry.
This is definitely Barry.
- No, I'm Barry.
- This is still Barry.
No.
I'm Barry.
Uh-oh! Barry did it again.
- What did I do? - I'm Barry.
I'm enjoying a shower.
No, I'm not.
Wait.
Are you my evil twin? Listen, we can work together.
- Thanks for stopping by! - Hold on Erica? - Miss you! Bye! - (SLAMS RECEIVER)