The Neighborhood (2018) s07e12 Episode Script

1
Whoa, Lamar. Check you out.
Stop drooling, Calvin. She's all mine.
Okay. Who you steal it from?
Calvin, please.
She is not stolen.
It's not, right?
No.
I've just come into some money.
In fact, Dave, there's
no easy way to say this,
but your Great-Aunt Keisha has died.
DAVE: Oh, no.
I know, it's a blow,
so just let it out.
Yeah, no, I'm-I'm trying to, I just
I've never heard of her before.
Hey, Lamar.
Ooh, new car.
It's stolen, isn't it?
Are you a fugitive?
Are we accessories?
No, it is not stolen,
but I do have some bad news.
My Great-Aunt Keisha has passed away.
Oh, no.
Is her body in the trunk?
No, her body is not in the tr
Her body is not in the trunk, right?
No.
As I was explaining,
she left me a handsome sum of money.
I know you two have
been stressed about
how to pay for Grover's school,
so I opened up
an education savings
account for the lad.
Oh, my God.
Lamar, this is so sweet.
(WHISPERING): I think it's real.
Dad, I'm touched.
This is very generous.
Look at you, giving
away all your money.
Oh, I'm not giving it all away.
I'm allowing myself to live a little.
I now own a Roku.
And I'm gonna drive
my beautiful Pontiac
to Nevada and do some gambling.
You know, as a little kid,
I used to hang out at the Elks Lodge
and watch my dad play poker.
Yep, he always wanted to watch,
but his little facial expressions
always gave my hand away.
Whatever the opposite
of a poker face is,
it's that. Oh, well, I
I'm sorry that I have
an expressive face,
but it worked out for me.
You know, my dad would
always give me 20 bucks
to go buy ice cream.
Calvin,
let's go with him.
You know what? Sure, why not?
You leave your face here,
I'm gonna put on my lucky pants.
But, so you know Sagebrush,
Nevada isn't exactly Vegas.
(LAUGHS) Doesn't matter to me.
Craps is craps.
I haven't gambled
since that time I went
to an Indian casino
to see Shabba Ranks.
(JAMAICAN ACCENT): Mr. Loverman.
(LAUGHS) Shabba.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
You know, the more I think about it,
the more I realize it is for the best
Courtney and I didn't sleep together.
Are you sure?
I mean, come on. Can you imagine
how that would have
complicated things?
Things are already complicated enough.
(CHUCKLES) No, thank you.
Ah. Okay, well, good for you, Marty.
That is very mature. Yeah.
I wanted it to happen
so bad.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Courtney. Uh (CLEARS THROAT)
I have to run.
I will let you two finish.
Or start.
Talking. Please.
Absolutely.
So
last night was crazy.
When I couldn't find a condom.
Yeah, and then Daphne started crying.
Yeah, and then we didn't
Yeah, no, I know what we didn't.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, you know, I guess
it wasn't meant to happen.
Yeah, I guess not.
Although it could still happen.
Yes!
I mean, sure. Yeah, perhaps.
Uh, my dad is going gambling tonight,
and my mom could babysit.
Malcolm's coaching a game,
and baseball games are like
like, six hours?
I'm gonna need to hydrate.
Oh, no, no, we won't need
we won't need all that time.
Well, we'll definitely use some of it.
Like like, like, plenty of it.
Like Not But not
too much of it, just,
like, a like, a good
You will be satisfied.
Here we go, fellas.
You know what? I got $500
burning a hole in my lucky pants.
Let's do this.
No offense, fellas,
but I like to gamble on my own.
I don't like distractions
or people looking
at my cards, going
"Ooh! Ooh!"
Dad, I was seven.
And I thought the
whole point of this trip
was for us to hang out
together. Right, Calvin?
Calvin?
Here you go, son.
Get yourself some ice cream.
Okay, well, thanks,
Dad, but, you know,
I was really hoping that
we can hang out a little,
spend some time
Dad?
Yeah, that is right.
All right, Calvin,
I guess it's just you and me.
Let's get crappy.
Look, if you're
gonna be at this table,
you can't disturb my mojo.
Everything has to be perfect.
Now, I roll
with my right hand,
so you got to stand on my left.
- Hey, don't-don't put your hands on the table.
- Oh.
Well, don't put 'em
up like it's a stickup.
And never say the word "seven."
- Why shouldn't I say "seven"?
- Seven out.
Yes.
That's why, Dave.
- Is that bad?
- Yes, that's bad.
All right, an hour and half
to get the baby dressed,
and we're off to the
food truck festival.
- (THUNDER RUMBLING)
- Oh!
Damn.
It's pouring.
You want to grab an umbrella?
Go out in all of that?
I just got a silk press.
Oh. Okay. Well if you
Yeah, I don't know what that is.
$125 is what it is.
Okay. Ooh, we could watch TV.
There's a new TV show about a woman
who's raising a hundred
crocodiles as her children.
I am not exposing my grandbaby
to some weird-ass white lady.
Uh, why do you assume that she's
Okay, yeah, she is.
All right, here we go.
Grandbaby needs some new shoes.
(STAMMERS)
Three. Craps.
Aah!
Come on, man, why
would you blow on my dice?
I was trying to double your luck.
The second blow
cancels the first blow.
That's just science, Dave.
That's it for me. 500 just gone.
Why don't you hit up an
ATM? They're everywhere.
I even saw one in the bathroom.
Look, I can't, man. 500's my limit.
I wonder if your dad
has blown through all his money yet.
I am rich!
Five thousand big ones.
Heh. Good for you.
Wish you had taken your son with you.
Oh, well,
you know, Calvin and I
are rich in camaraderie.
So, you lost.
All of it.
Dave double-blew on my dice.
- David!
- Okay
Guys, please, we
can all still be winners.
All right? You know, the buffet
has bottomless imitation crab legs?
I'm about casino-ed out.
Let-Let's hit the road.
But, Dad, we didn't even
get a chance to hang.
Yes, but I have a strict rule:
quit while you're ahead.
Why don't we get a bite on the way out
at the Hard Luck Saloon?
Their billboard reads,
"Oldest strippers in town."
Why would they advertise that?
You know, everybody
has their thing, man.
I'm gonna cash out
and pull the car around.
I'll meet you out front.
All right. All right.
Oh Oh.
(LAUGHS) My shoe's untied.
Hey, that's a lucky sign.
That means I'm about
to go on a winning streak.
You got any cash?
Only the hundred my dad gave me.
Oh, give it to me. Give
Well, this is my ice cream money.
Dave, trust me,
by the time I'm done,
you'll be Ben and I'll be Jerry.
Okay, but Calvin, please,
tie your shoe, all
right? You're gonna trip.
No, no, no, no. This is good luck.
No, I
Oh! (THUMP)
I-I'm good.
Come on, baby. Show me some love.
Hard six.
Yes! Yes. All right!
Looks like someone owes
my lucky face an apology.
Yeah, yeah, all right.
Come on, now. Let's
keep this train rolling.
Midge, gimme some luck.
Yeah. Uh, all right, me too.
Oh, no.
So unfair.
All right, dice, let's go.
Point is nine.
- All right, here we go.
- That's a good point.
This way I be killing
it. All right, Dave.
Uh, fellas? You think
you might want to give
me some elbow room?
I am on a hot streak. (LAUGHS)
Sir, we're going to need you
to step away from the table.
Hey, guys, uh,
wh-what's going on here?
They're just trying to ice a whale,
that's what's going on.
Tell you what,
you gonna have to drag me away here.
Uh Now you're
really doing it. Okay
- (STAMMERS)
- Nine. Winner.
That's my money! That's my money!
It is torrential out there.
Yes, but it is nice and dry in here,
and guess what I got?
Mm.
Is that all for tonight?
No. No, no, no, no.
It's just, uh, it's either
a three pack or a 12,
and this is a better buy.
Why am I talking about this?
How about I light a candle?
Yeah, great. But please,
just do it. Don't ask first.
- Right.
- (SIGHS QUIETLY)
(EXCLAIMS, CHUCKLES)
- Ooh, this is nice.
- Yes.
(CHUCKLES)
- (THUNDER RUMBLING)
- Whoo-hoo-hoo.
Man, it is coming down out there.
Oh, my God.
Of course, we are up by seven runs,
and the skies open up.
Yo, why you got
the lights off in here?
What is?
Courtney's here.
Y-You know what? It-It's
a lovely night outside.
I think I'm gonna just go for a walk.
(MALCOLM AND MARTY MUTTERING)
I got it, I got it.
Okay, thank you, my brother.
(LAUGHS)
Congratulations, y'all.
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
Calvin, what is going on here?
Are we in some kind of trouble?
No, Dave.
This is classic player-hating.
All right? Trust me.
(DOOR OPENS)
Hello.
Special Agent Ryder,
Treasury Department.
I'm sorry to inconvenience
you gentlemen,
but we have reason to believe
you've been involved in a crime.
Oh, come on, this is crazy.
Since when is winning
a crime, brother?
This is an outrage.
We know our rights, sir.
Calm down.
He's not under arrest.
Oh.
So we're free to leave?
- (CHUCKLES)
- (CHUCKLES)
(ALL LAUGHING)
No.
Look, Daphne. A little boat.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?
I'm doing the little dock here
with all the boats.
That's not how you do a puzzle.
You start with the border first.
That's not how I do them.
Well, you do puzzles wrong.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Ah, hey, Mama.
Hey, baby. What you doing
out there in all that rain?
Oh. Uh, you know, I was hungry,
and I was gonna make
a sandwich, but, uh,
our bologna expired.
Ugh.
Y'all are nasty.
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
Ooh, Gemma, you do puzzles wrong.
You got to do the borders first.
See? I tried to tell her.
I didn't even want
to do a dumb puzzle.
I wanted to watch Croc Mama.
Wait a minute, the
show where that lady
puts the little shirts and
pants on the crocodiles?
Yes. Did you see the one
where she got kicked
out of the Starbucks?
Yes
(BOTH GIBBERING AND LAUGHING)
- (DAPHNE CRYING)
- Hey, y'all are
upsetting my baby
with all y'all nonsense.
Okay, well, sorry, Mama.
I am soaked.
I'm gonna go get a
pair of Pop's socks.
Oh, what happened? Your daddy forgot
your favorite little piggy?
Well, don't you worry.
I'm gonna wrap my hair
and run right over
to your daddy house.
No, no, no, no, no.
(LAUGHS)
No, I-I will go get that little piggy
'cause, you know, I'm already wet.
So just-just stay right here.
- Okay.
- (THUNDER RUMBLING)
I've been on this case for months.
You've been laundering
notes at casinos
up and down the Nevada
border since October.
And when a whole lot
of 35-year-old, mint
condition hundreds
start popping up, that's a red flag.
I don't care what color they are,
they're not my flag.
You're smart, Mr. Butler.
We've taken to calling
you the Green Goblin.
That's a cool nickname.
Look
look, I'm telling you,
you got the wrong guy.
I'm no Green Goblin.
Are you telling me
this isn't you?
No.
Looks like the Hamburglar.
Yeah, the security cameras
in these old dumps are terrible.
I don't know why anybody stays here.
It's depressing.
There's a place up the road
that advertises "old strippers."
Got to admit,
I'm curious.
Look, look, why are
you keeping us here?
You got sloppy today.
When you pass a hundred dollar bill
from 1988 that matches
all the other hundreds
you've been passing,
you shouldn't hang around to enjoy it.
- It was Lamar
- My dad's the Green Goblin.
- (CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
- I'm the son of the Green Goblin.
Guys,
is there something you want to say?
Objection.
Sir, I am the attorney for
Mr. Butler and Mr. Johnson,
and I demand to have
a word with my clients.
In private.
All right, Mr. Watanabe.
I'll go get some imitation crab legs.
What the hell did you do?
Us? We got arrested
for whatever the hell you did.
I was so clear.
"Meet me at the car." But no.
Luckily, an eagle-eyed prostitute
who took a shine to me
Oh.
saw you get escorted back here.
Dad, what is going on?
(SIGHS) All right.
The year was 1989.
The Berlin Wall had just fallen,
America was smitten with
a young Bart Simpson
Ugh. Ay, caramba.
and I was burying a lockbox
full of cash
behind a mattress factory
in Battle Creek, Michigan.
So, none of that money
came from Keisha?
Who?
My dead aunt.
I made her up.
Oh, my God.
Sorry about the
emotional roller coaster.
I think I get it.
You've been going around to casinos,
buying chips with the dirty bills,
then cashing them
back to get clean bills.
Yes. Then, and this is the key point,
I leave.
Well, here's another key point.
You didn't tell us what
the hell you were doing.
There's plenty of blame to go around.
Oh, no, you're the only one
- that did something here.
- We did nothing wrong.
Okay.
True dat.
I-I can't even look at you.
Ah, damn it, I can still see you!
I get it. The good news is,
they can't pin anything on Calvin.
You just need to keep your mouth shut.
You're looking at a short stay
at a pre-trial detention center.
The food is not bad,
and then you're out in a flash.
- Cool?
- No, not cool.
Well, it was worth a shot.
Dad, what are you going to do?
What I have to do.
Uh,
bib.
You got the bib.
Sir, I have some confessions to make.
Yes. Thank you. Finally.
It was me. I am the
one that passed the bills.
Yes, but what he is trying to say
is that he
is the Green Goblin.
That is a cool name.
- Right?
- No.
(OVER RADIO): You
and I, you and I. ♪
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Do
you have an old rust bucket
leaving oil stains in your driveway?
We'll give you cash for that clunker.
Cash. Cash. Ca
Really? You don't have the ad-free?
All my money is tied up in baby.
It's fine, okay? We don't need music.
Okay. (CHUCKLES)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Hey, it's me.
Your big brother Malcolm.
I am entering the house.
Okay?
Are you okay?! Ooh, my bad. Ooh.
Yeah, man, I'm just, uh,
I'm just here for the piggy
to take to You know what?
I'm just gonna take
all these over there.
(MUTTERING): Here we go.
Whoa, Malcolm, wait, w-w-w-wait.
Wait. Wait.
What, man?
Twelve?
My brother. That's
what I'm talking about.
Get get out.
Hey, wait. My jacket, my jacket.
(BOTH MUTTERING)
Okay.
Okay.
Picking up where we were.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm still into it, you're s
This isn't happening, is it?
Oh, Marty.
Last night we had a moment.
And the moment's gone.
Tonight's just too
premeditated.
Yeah. I mean, I guess I shouldn't have
put that eggplant emoji
in our shared calendar.
You know, if this were meant to be,
after all this time, we
would have been together.
Yeah.
We're just two overwhelmed,
- horny people
- Yeah.
parenting one
adorable little girl, and
and that's all.
So, um,
I'm gonna pick up Daphne tomorrow.
- I'll see you then.
- Okay.
- Oh.
- (CHUCKLES)
(MOANING)
W-Wait.
Bedroom? Why are you still talking?
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. Okay.
Wait, wait, wait.
(LAUGHS)
Eh, I got it.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
Can I please have a word with my dad?
You've got 60 seconds.
Dad (SIGHS)
I don't even know what to say.
You don't have to.
I know, I let you down. Again.
But I need you to understand,
I was happy to leave
that cash in the ground.
But when I found out my grandson
needed money for his education,
I just knew there
was never going to be
a better use for it.
Well
I guess committing a
crime for your grandson
may be the sweetest
thing you've ever done.
So, see you at my arraignment?
I'll be there.
Oh, um
All right, that's time.
You're free to go.
But in the future,
pick better friends.
Hey, hey, listen,
I didn't have anything
to do with this.
All right? I just live
next door to the guy.
We're not even close.
Of all of the lies
that I've heard today,
the one that stung the most?
"We're not close"?
We are gonna talk about
this on the drive home.
Oh, the drive home.
We don't have any car keys.
Dad, wait!
Green Goblin. Green Goblin, hold up!
sync & corrections by awaqeded