Friends s07e13 Episode Script

- Hey.
- Hi.
- What are you doing? - I was thinking of moving the couch.
Why would you want to do that? So there'd be a decent place for me to sit? - Rach, there is a decent place.
- And your lap does not count.
- Come on, help me move this.
- No, no, no.
- No? - No.
Rosita does not move.
I'm sorry.
Rosita? As in? As in "Rosita does not move.
" It's just a chair.
What's the big deal? It's the exact equal distance from the bathroom to the kitchen and it's at an angle where you don't get any glare coming off Stevie.
Stevie the TV? - Is there a problem? - No.
What does he know? Come on, Rosita.
Us chicas gotta stick together.
You bitch! The One Where Rosita Dies Hey, Ross? I checked the real estate section.
Look at this.
Looks like Mom and Dad's house.
Even has a tree with a broken limb out front.
And the window in the attic .
Oh, my God! What happened to the window in the attic? - I can't believe they're selling it.
- And they didn't tell us.
What happened to the window in the attic? I'll buy you a new one, okay? We'll go to the store and get you a new chair right now.
She's not even cold yet.
Wouldn't Rosita have wanted you to move on? I mean, you know, she did always put your comfort first.
That's true.
I can't believe we have to say goodbye to the house we grew up in.
Man, some stranger's gonna be in my room.
For 15 years they kept it as a shrine to you.
It's time the velvet ropes came down.
They kept your room a while.
Please! Dad turned my room into a gym 20 minutes after I moved out.
I gotta say, a tanning bed and a stack of Victoria's Secret catalogs? Not a gym.
- Come on.
You know they love you.
- As much as they love you? They thought she was barren until I was born.
It's not my fault.
I hate this year.
What's wrong with this year? It's February and I've only given two massages and they were both horrible tippers.
That was me and Ross.
Oh, that's right.
If you want some extra cash some college friends made good money doing telemarketing.
It'd be better than the last telephone job I had.
I probably won't have to say "spank" as much.
What? Oh, yeah, like you never called.
This is very easy.
You read from the script and try to sell as much toner as you can.
Okay, I can do that.
By the way, I love my office.
- Why don't we do a trial run? - Oh, okay.
All right.
Hi, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies.
- Can I speak to your supply manager? - I'm the supply manager.
I'd like to talk about your toner needs.
We don't need any.
Okay, sorry to bother you.
Bye-bye.
Yeah, you're right.
This is easy.
Okay.
What was wrong with that call? Oh, well, all right.
No offense, but you were kind of rude.
They always say they don't need toner.
That's okay.
Whatever they say, you can find the answer to it, here in the script.
So I think you're ready to sell toner.
- Do you have any last questions? - No.
Wait, yes, I do have one question: What is toner? Joey? Joe? Full bag? Beer's still cold.
Something terrible must have happened here.
Oh, no, no, no! Stevie, I was never here.
- Dad? - I'm here! - Hey.
- Hi.
Seems like just yesterday you guys used to come out to watch me work.
We can't believe you're selling the house.
Time for a new family to start here.
I hope their check clears before they find the crack in the foundation and the asbestos in the ceiling.
Let's grab our stuff and get the hell out of here.
- Sorry we can't store your things.
- Oh, it's okay.
I can't wait to see everything again.
I don't know what's down here.
But there are six or seven Easy-Bake Ovens in the attic.
I used to love to play restaurant.
Not as much as you loved to play "uncooked batter eater.
" You can't expect a child to wait for a light bulb to cook brownies.
So I think your boxes are over here.
Oh, great.
Hey whose cigarettes are these? I don't know.
They must be your mother's.
But please, please don't ask her.
I'll throw these away.
Cool! Dad, my report cards! Hey, check this out.
Math, "A.
" Science, "A.
" History, "A.
" Gym .
My rock polisher! - Uh-oh.
- What? You know how the garage floods every spring? How are you ever gonna sell this place? I think I accidentally used Monica's boxes to keep the water away from the Porsche.
Oh, no, Dad.
Dad? What the Oh, God.
Everything's ruined! Dad, she's gonna be crushed.
You don't secretly smoke, do you? No.
So it's just your mother then.
Hi.
This is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies.
Can I speak to your supply manager, please? Earl.
Thanks.
Hi, Earl.
This is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies.
I'd like to talk to you about your toner needs.
I don't need any toner.
I hear what you're saying, but at our prices, everyone needs toner.
Not me.
May I ask why? You want to know why? You want to know why? I surely do.
Okay.
I don't need any toner because I'm gonna kill myself.
Is that because you're out of toner? Okay, so no toner today.
Thanks anyway.
Bye-bye.
Wait, wait! I can't let you hang up.
Just please talk to me.
Well .
I only had one thing to do today.
I guess I could push it back.
Yeah.
Now, why do you want to kill yourself? I've been working for 10 years now at this meaningless, dead-end job and nobody here even knows that I exist.
Chandler? I'm sorry? Look I'm sure that people know you exist.
Oh, yeah? I work in a cubicle surrounded by people.
I've been talking to you for five minutes now about killing myself and no one's even looked up from their desk.
Hang on.
Hey, everybody I'm gonna kill myself.
I got nothing.
Good chair.
Now, if anybody asks your name is Rosita.
Poor thing.
Cut down in her prime.
Joey, the new chair will be here in an hour.
Maybe we should move Rosita out of here.
Start the healing process.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
She's healed! That's weird.
No, it's not weird.
It's a miracle! It's not a miracle.
I'm sure there's an explanation.
There is.
If your heart is pure, wondrous things can happen.
She'll understand.
I didn't do it on purpose.
Dad, that won't matter to her.
Look, all my stuff is safe and dry.
And all her stuff is growing new stuff.
This is the kind of thing that makes her think you love me more than her.
My God.
Does she think that? Well, can you blame her? We may have favored you unconsciously.
You were a marvel.
- The doctors said your mom couldn't - I don't want to hear it.
- Really? - Well, not right now.
Monica came here for some memories.
Damn it, we'll give her some.
Okay, grab .
Grab some boxes.
We'll take stuff from mine and whatever we can pass off as hers, we'll put in there.
Like, this.
She could have made this.
- This could have been hers.
- Sure.
If you want to tell the medical marvel story while we work, that'd be fine.
I am so psyched I kept this chair for myself.
Yeah.
Me too.
You know, this thing has speakers in the headrest? - No, really? - Yeah.
You can hook it to the TV and you get radio.
My chair heals itself.
All right.
Let's just forget about the people at the office, okay? There's gotta be someone worth sticking around for.
What about family or friends? Maybe a girlfriend? Yeah, right.
Oh, sorry.
Boyfriend? Okay, I should be getting back to my thing now.
See you.
I'm not finished! Don't you dare hang up on me! The new girl's good.
Which boxes are mine? - These are yours right here.
- Okay.
A coloring book.
You loved that thing.
You never went anywhere without without that coloring book.
Really? Looks like I had trouble staying in the lines.
Nuh-uh! Wow, look at this.
I can't believe I even fit into this shirt.
Oh, this is yours.
I don't know how that got in there.
Hey, this isn't my stuff.
Ross, these are your boxes.
Where are my boxes? The garage flooded, sweetie, and ruined your boxes.
I'm sorry.
Just mine? I'm afraid so.
Why wasn't Ross' stuff ruined? I used your boxes to divert water away from the Porsche.
Ross' stuff is fine, but I have no memories so you could keep the bottom of your car from water? There was also leaves and gook and stuff.
I can't believe this! Screw it.
I'm having one.
- Hey, Chandler.
- Hey.
How'd you like to sit in a chair that reclines has a rolling massage and speakers in the headrest? I've tried that so many times they won't even let me in the store anymore.
What if I said you could do it in my apartment? Are you telling me you bought the chair that makes all others obsolete? The chair that Sit Magazine called "Chair of the Year"? I just purchased the La-Z-Boy E-Cliner 3000.
Well, that's awesome! That's great! What made you do it? It's a long story, but, I broke Joey's chair Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You broke Joey's chair? I thought I did, that's why I replaced it with mine.
That's how it got fixed! You thought that elves came in and fixed it? No.
Angels.
I'm getting my chair back.
Well, looks like it wasn't healed after all! I guess this chair's mine now.
Joey, you broke my chair! Your chair? He thought he broke it, so he switched chairs.
So there was no miracle? No, Joe.
No miracle.
Oh, no! This is devastating! My faith is shaken.
I'm glad I have a new chair to get me through this.
Where can I find Earl? He's the supply manager here.
I don't know any Earl.
I'm right here! Earl? I'm Phoebe.
Phoebe? The lady who sells toner? Look, you can't kill yourself.
Look, I really appreciate you coming down No, I can't let you do it.
- Why? - Because, fate made me call you today.
I thought it was toner.
Think about it, okay? This isn't even my regular job.
My first day, you're my first call.
Somebody else may have hung up, but I wouldn't do that because I know about this stuff.
- My mom killed herself.
- Really? How? I'm not gonna give you tips.
Don't you see that this all came together so I could stop you from doing this? - Couldn't it just be a coincidence? - No, it's fate.
It doesn't really seem like enough to be fate.
Oh, well.
Okay, here's a weird thing.
My mother was also a supply manager.
I'm actually the office manager.
Oh, my God! So was she! And get this, okay.
Your name is Earl, right? Her name was Pearl.
Puh-Earl.
Was there anything else? Sure.
Where're you from? - Philadelphia.
- Oh, my God, so was she! I've got goose bumps.
Really? I'm wearing layers, and it's warm.
These jerks might not care about you but the universe does, and that says a lot.
Did you hear that? I don't need you guys to care about me because the universe cares! The whole universe! I really wish they'd care a little bit.
Oh, this is terrible.
Everything is destroyed.
Look at this.
It meant enough for me to save, and now I can't tell what it is.
It's still soft.
What do you think this is? I think it was a mouse.
- How are you, honey? - How do you think I am? You've wrecked my childhood memories you love Ross more than me.
And I just rubbed a dead mouse on my face.
Sweetheart, we love you just as much as Ross.
I'm sorry about what happened and I probably can't make it up to you but here's a start.
- What's this? - It's the key to my Porsche.
Well, the key to your Porsche.
What? What?! I've considered getting rid of it.
I saw my reflection the other day.
Your mother's right, I do look like an ass.
You're giving it to me? You're kidding.
Well, wait a minute.
A couple of stupid boxes get wet, and she gets a Porsche? - Let's take a drive? - All right! What about me? I'm a medical marvel! Hey, guys.
Have you seen Chandler's chair? Joey broke it.
He got rid of it.
Are you kidding? I get a Porsche and the Barcalounger's gone? This is the best day ever!