It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s07e13 Episode Script

ALL: Reunion! Reunion! Reunion! Oh! Smash 'em up! DENNIS: This is great.
This brings me back.
CHARLIE: I know.
I'm, like, anxious, I'm excited.
SWEET DEE: It's Adriano Calvanese, Charlie.
It's the guy who coined the name Aluminum Monster, but I've got a plan to get revenge.
TIM MURPHY: Yo, Dennis! Shit! That's Tim Murphy, the asshole that slept with my prom date.
Uh, this is my wife, Christie.
Dennis and I used to be really good friends.
MAC: Adriano made fake tickets! Those tickets are fake! Ronnie Rat strikes again, huh? FRANK: Wait.
Ah! Goddamn I don't have ringworm.
No, no, we're cool.
Yeah, we're like, the Yeah.
Oh! Oh! Oh, really? Aah! Son of a bitch.
Well, this is great, Dee.
This is just great.
Used to be king of the mountaintop.
Now I'm sitting alone at a table at my high school reunion with my sister, the Aluminum Monster.
Yeah, I know, I was on the mountaintop, too, okay, Dennis? (scoffs) I got to find a way back there.
Got to get a plan.
Hold on! Hold on a second.
Ingrid! Ingrid Nelson.
Hey! INGRID: Hi, Dennis and Dee.
Oh, carrying around a clipboard, huh? Dork.
Yeah, well, I'm on the alumni association, so (speaking gibberish mockingly) (laughs) Fatty Magoo! Right? Everybody, Fatty Magoo.
Honk! What? Don't What are you doing? She's not fat anymore.
That doesn't really play.
It's not Oh, really? 'Cause I'll see it on the sides, and I'll see it in the thighs.
Still fat to me, still fat to you, Fatty Magoo, Fatty Magoo, Magoo, Magoo, Magoo, Magoo So, is this why you called me over here? Magoo, Magoo, Magoo, Magoo, Magoo, Magoo, Fatty Magoo, Fatty Magoo, Fatty Magoo! All right, it was super fun to see you guys.
Right? Everybody, Magoo! Did anybody? Did you guys? Did you see her? Drop it.
Oh, God, she just wasn't that fat anymore, was she? Yeah.
No, she looks That felt very forced.
Yeah, 'cause she's so pretty these days.
Doesn't? She looked fantastic.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, she looked really good.
Only kind of works when you're sitting at a table with the cool kids.
That seemed pathetic and mean.
Yeah, it was.
It did.
It did.
Wasn't it? It was.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I got to find a way back into that group.
Dee, I think you need to stop focusing on how to get back in with them, and start focusing on how to get revenge on them.
Yeah, you're exactly right.
I need revenge on them.
And that's what I want, too.
Okay, well, what's our plan? What's our plan? Ooh, I want revenge.
All right, so here's-here's how we're gonna do it.
Yeah.
I'm gonna bang Tim Murphy's black wife.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Oh, shit! That'll do it.
That's gonna humiliate him.
That will humiliate him, yes! Totally.
You know what I'll do? Hmm? I will bang Tim Murphy to get back at Adriano.
Oh, that's a good plan.
What?! Yes! The problem is, I don't think Tim Murphy would ever sleep with you.
Wait a sec.
Hold up.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you do? What's my part of the plan, then? Hmm Oh, grab this.
We only get two drink tickets.
Uh Whoa.
What happened? Why am I hanging here? The cool kids got us.
It was a massacre.
Ah, shit! All right, you guys.
I'm ready to be your friend again.
No, Dee, get out of here.
Get away from us.
Get away from us.
What are you doing? Look, you guys, I'm on your team, okay? I always was on your team.
I had a strike plan, but then Cricket went and blew up my spot.
You goddamn bitch! Okay, look, that's not the important thing, all right? Bitch! The important part is that I'm here now, and I'm on your team, and I want revenge, and I need you guys to help me come up with a plan.
She's right.
We need revenge, and I know how we're gonna get it.
Yeah.
Charlie, we got to get the freight train back together.
Freight train? That's a great idea.
That's like a plan.
Nope.
No, that's not a great idea.
That's a terrible idea.
What the hell is a freight train? It's a stupid group of imbeciles who called themselves a gang.
It was basically just Charlie, Mac, and Dooley.
May he rest in peace.
God rest his soul.
And they were basically just lackeys of this guy named Psycho Pete, who genuinely was mentally ill.
Our conductor's insane.
Our cargo is pain.
Freight train! Freight train! Freight train! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's get a hold of this Psycho Pete and kick some ass.
Yeah! Let's do it! Freight train! Yeah, get us down.
No.
No? No, I don't like that plan, so Huh? Come on, get us down, Dee.
No.
We're gonna kick some ass.
Deandra, come back here.
Come on! Goddamn (grunting) All right, let's just see if they have Psycho Pete's name tag and if they were expecting him.
'Cause, if we get our psycho back, we get the freight train back.
Yes.
What's his last name? Uh, I don't know.
No, me, neither.
Guess we weren't really that close.
It would have been cool to be closer to him.
Yeah.
He was such a dark, mysterious guy, you know? Yeah.
What about this Peter Schmidt-- is that the guy? No.
Oh, no, that's Schmitty.
Yeah, ah, shit, is he coming? No way.
Schmitty would never come to something like this.
Not his scene.
If anything, he'll swoop in at the very end, grab the drunkest girl he can, take her home, bang her.
Ha, Schmitty's so cool.
Oh, yeah.
Not that cool, though.
Not as cool Way cooler than you, Dirtgrub.
Not as cool as Adriano.
Stop defending Adriano, okay? Will you stop with the Schmitty stuff? You know, snipping with each other-- it's, like Oh! Oh! Magoo! Hi.
Hey! I saw you trying to get by us.
I know.
You can't get away from us, Fatty, Fatty Magoo, Fatty Magoo.
No, I'm not fat anymore.
That's not even accurate.
Ha.
That's true.
Well, you used to be fat.
I don't know.
Yeah, well, I'm not now.
I had a thyroid problem.
What's your excuse? I've tacked on mass.
Really? I've tacked on lots of mass, yes.
All right, all right, now, do you remember Psycho Pete? Unfortunately, yes.
Any word on if he's coming tonight, or? Well, I hope not.
He's the reason we have extra security.
He threatened to burn down the building.
Ha.
That's He was probably just joking.
That's his sense of humor.
He has a very dark sense of humor.
You know, you got to lighten up around Pete.
Was he joking when he cut his family into little pieces and ate them for Christmas dinner? That doesn't sound like a joke.
Did that really happen? Yeah, that sounds much more serious.
That's-That's grizzly.
Grizzly? Psycho.
Psycho is how it sounds.
Psycho-- that's what it is.
Psycho.
That's how he got out of prison.
Oh, the insanity plea.
Yes.
Okay, well, that makes sense.
I would have gone with that if I was his attorney.
Uh, although, really I specialize in bird law, so I don't want to mess around That's awesome.
So, it was really nice to, uh Okay.
(Frank laughs) So I guess the freight train is gone, is that it? Yeah.
Yes, let's get out of here.
Yes, I guess we're of to It's over.
Hey, you guys, you guys, you guys, okay, hi! Oh, good to see you guys again.
Change of plans, okay? I can't think of my own thing to do, so I want to join the freight train or whatever it is.
Get lost, bitch.
No, no, no, no! Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Now, guys, the freight train never let a loser down in need.
If Dee wants in on the freight train, we have to let her in on the freight train.
Dee just has to do one thing.
She's got to go through the freight train initiation.
We got to know that Dee's one of us.
So, Dee? Yeah? Are you willing to go through the freight train initiation? Yes, I am.
Oh, no, no! Oh, goddamn! Oh, no, no! I am a grown woman! I am a grown woman! Aah! (pop ballad playing) (groans): I mean, cuff links? Tim, at a high school reunion? It's not the Oscars.
I mean Oh.
(laughs) Geez! Yeah, and he can be a little too nice sometimes.
Oh.
Can get a bit boring.
Oh, trust me, Christie, he's boring as shit.
I know that, all right? I'd rather get blasted in the balls by a battering ram than have to have a conversation with the guy.
You're crazy! (laughing): Am I crazy? Am I? Yes.
He deceives people, Christie.
No.
That's what he d Oh, yeah.
He steps on his friends to climb to the top of the mountaintop, where his good friend used to reign supreme, that's what he does.
I mean, quite frankly, Christie, (laughs) I think you can do a lot better than him.
No, he's good to me.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, but does he appreciate you? I mean, Christie, does he appreciate all of that? Dennis! Baby's got back, Christie.
Baby's got back.
You know what I'm saying? Am I right, though? Am I right? Listen, listen, listen.
I want to be inside you.
I want to do shit to you that is gonna make you realize what a worthless, boring piece of shit your husband really is.
Wait a second, I'm confused.
Why would you want to have sex with me? Why the hell wouldn't I want to have sex with you? I mean, bam, boom, boom.
Because you're gay.
What?! I'm not gay.
Dude, you're wearing makeup.
Yeah, I'm wearing a little bit of makeup.
Who-who doesn't And a girdle.
Yeah, I wanted to seem thin for the occasion.
That's not weird.
You've also been gossiping with me for the last 20 minutes.
I was speeding through the steps.
I have a system that I was demonstrating value on the dance floor, and then I engaged you physically when I put my hands on your hips.
Now, I'm nurturing your dependence by letting you talk shit about your boring, worthless, piece-of-shit husband.
Then I was gonna take you to an empty broom closet and I was gonna bang the shit out of you.
And then I was gonna neglect you emotionally.
That's what I do, Christie.
And it was working.
I was manipulating your feeble little brain into doing what I want-- what I want! And then now it's what you want.
Ew! Oh, ew! Yeah, aw, oh, yeah, okay, well, your husband is a liar, how about that, Christie? Yeah, stay with a liar! And a deceiver.
You Tim does not deserve to be the king of the mountaintop.
I am the king of the mountaintop! (music stops) I reign supreme over everyone in this school.
I am the golden god of this place.
I reign supreme.
I! I! (chatter, music resume) Dee, I'm sorry we threw your back out, but you're lucky that's the worst thing that happened.
And it's a lucky thing I brought the back brace.
Oh, yes, lucky! So lucky! I'm feeling very, very lucky to have my asshole ripped in half like tissue paper by my father and his very good friends.
A-A-And also, I'm feeling incredibly lucky to be making another appearance as the Aluminum Monster after so many years.
Thank you, thank you.
And I don't think you're gonna get to bang Adriano now, either.
Oh, you don't think so, Charlie? You don't think so? Guys, this whole thing has been a wash, all right? Let's just get out of here, because there's no way that we're gonna get revenge on those guys without Psycho Pete.
Yeah, I've been humiliated enough.
You son of a bitch! You bastard! You bastard! Whoa! Jesus Christ! (Dennis yells) Dennis, you're coming out hot.
(panting): I am the king of the minions, not Tim Murphy! Not that jerk-off idiot! He jerk-off! What the hell are you doing, man? She rejected me.
Me, Frank, me! The coolest guy in the history of this goddamn school! Oh, they're all gonna pay.
They're all gonna pay the ultimate price! Whoa! (Sweet Dee gasps) Dude, what's all that stuff you're grabbing? Tools! Tools! Uh, duct tape, zip ties and gloves! I have to have my tools! (panting) Well, why do you have a bunch of, like, weird tools in a hidden compartment in your car? It's fetish, it's fetish shit! I-I-I-I like to bind I like to be bound.
Uh, that's not important! There has to be questions! I'm not taking questions! The golden god is not taking questions! I am the golden god! And I'm taking action.
I got to go.
I Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second, Dennis, wait a second.
(Dennis groans) I think we can help you, dude.
Yeah? Yeah, we can help each other.
We both want the same thing.
Revenge.
(Dennis panting) You're gonna be our new Psycho Pete, pal.
And guess what? The freight train's back in service! Let's get nuts in that school.
Let's get crazy, all right? Come on, let's get some revenge here.
Train's coming.
Watch out for that train.
Watch out for that train.
The train's coming! Make way! Freight train coming through! All aboard! Choo-choo! No, we don't do the toot-toots We're a train.
Why wouldn't we toot-toot? It's just not what we do, okay? Okay, bitches! Get ready for the steam engine! And get it! I'm gonna destroy you all.
But I want Murphy first.
So let's go, Murphy, you and me, once and for all.
Come on! What you gonna do now, pussies? We got our psycho back.
Yeah! What the hell are you guys talking about? Talking about the freight train, cowboy! Look, everybody, the Aluminum Monster's back.
It's a good look.
Ha-ha, yeah, yeah, it's really good, it's really Just send Murphy out, so our psycho can bash him.
Okay, you guys, let's get out of here-- this is weird.
See you.
Where you going? You afraid? (all mock crying) No.
We're not afraid; we're in our 30s.
We don't fight people anymore.
It's kind of pathetic.
Yeah? Well, too bad, 'cause the fury's already coming, bitch.
So too late.
Oh-ho-ho, you just couldn't stand it, could you? You couldn't stand Dennis Reynolds reigning on high! King of all the school! Master of everybody! You couldn't stand it, so you had to turn everybody against me.
Dude, listen to yourself.
Nobody turned anybody against you.
You were never that cool to begin with.
Seriously, man, you would just come around saying weird shit about being a golden god or some other insane crap.
And referring to all of us as your minions.
You always acted like you were better than everybody else, but then you'd just go and you'd hang out with Ronnie the Rat or Dirtgrub under the bleachers or behind a Dumpster or something.
It was it was really weird.
Weird.
Yeah, sure, okay.
Yeah, well, if I wasn't the coolest guy in school, then why did you have to try and tear me down by sleeping with my prom date? (chuckles): I didn't sleep with your prom date.
Yes, you did! No, I didn't.
Ronnie the Rat did.
Wait, what? Ronald McDonald slept with your prom date.
Did he tell you that I slept with her? I never would have slept with that chick.
She was gross.
She was gross.
(quietly): She was gross.
She was gross, I remember that, yeah.
She was really gross.
You slept with my prom date? No.
Yes.
How could you do that to me? It was very easy.
Uh, she was a whore.
I'm gonna kill you.
No, don't.
I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna kill you, you fat piece of shit! This is mass! This is mass! Don't make it about my weight! You guys are good.
So Take care! I know she was a whore, but she was my whore! All right! Calm down! This is pathetic.
This is awful.
We've all been humiliated.
Our asses are destroyed.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
And Dennis turned out to be a loser.
You know what? Let's just go back to the bar, right? The bar's where we belong.
The bar's where we fit in.
We can hide from the world at the bar.
Yes, yes, I agree with Charlie.
I never want to step foot in this high school ever again.
Right? Yes.
No! We can't go out like that.
Look, if life pushes you down, you got to push back.
If you're dealt a bunch of lemons, you got to take those lemons and stuff them down somebody's throat until they see yellow.
And if some punk-ass kid humiliates you, you got to do the only thing that's left to do.
Yeah! Whoa, whoa.
Yes, Frank.
Oh, wow, that was a great speech, man.
That's the most coherent thing that's ever come out of your mouth.
That was awesome, dude.
You usually just ramble on and on and on.
That was like a basketball coach.
All right, so what is it? Yeah.
Yeah.
Huh? What's the one thing left to do? What is it? Well, the thing of it is, is that, uh, there's the lemon stuff.
Right.
And then you got Mac, who's a rat.
And Dee's body brace.
And, uh, and that's the thing of it, and It's good.
What are you saying? No, you were gonna tell us what to do.
That doesn't we didn't ask if something was good or if it wasn't good.
I lost my train of thought.
Let's go back to the bar.
Yep.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Were you gonna suggest that we should do plan B? No.
Plan B! That's what I was going to say! That's we're not doing plan B.
Listen, man, hey, listen.
We worked so hard on it.
Come on, we're not doing plan B, it's ridiculous.
Dennis, Dennis, plan B might be the only option we have left.
Ah, come on.
Come on, Dennis.
Jesus, come on, plan B is (chanting): Plan B, plan B Shh, not too loud.
No, it's All right, all right.
Will you stop whispering plan B like it's some super covert CIA operation? Plan B is a dance routine.
It's a goddamned dance routine.
And it's gonna rock.
Beep beep.
Get out of here.
Beep beep bop.
We're gonna need this dance floor Clear the dance floor.
Clear the dance floor.
Let's go, let's go.
Bring it on, bitches! Go on! All right, listen up, jerks! Listen to us, listen to us.
There's been a lot of negative energy going on at this school, okay? So I want to talk to you guys a little bit about dancing.
Now, back in the '50s and the '60s and the '70s, people used to dance all the time.
That's the way we solved our problems back then.
That's how they solved their problems-- through dance.
Then, all of a sudden, we stopped dancing.
You know? Grunge came in, we dressed in plaid and oversized jeans.
Then, later on, kids wore trench coats and shot each other in school, and that's not cool.
But guess what.
Guess what's going on in the high school now.
Kids are dancing again.
Organized choreographed dance.
They're doing organized choreographed dances to solve their problems.
They also give each other blow jobs.
They got these things called rainbow parties.
No, Charlie.
All right, wrap it up, wrap it up, wrap it up.
Let's go.
No, but they have these rain Yeah, but that's not the point of the The point is, we're gonna show you a dance! Let's get started.
Let's go! Lights.
(music playing) (crowd cheering) (whistling) (cheering and applause) (cheering) (beeping) (cheering) Ah! (groaning): Ah! Ah! Five, six, seven, eight.
(music stops) (Frank vomiting) It's fine, it's fine.
Well, that was weird.
Hey, everyone! After party back at my house, all right? Everyone's invited.
Except them.
Let's go! (cheering) What (Frank coughing) That sucked.
Yeah, man.
It was a perfect dance.
They just didn't respond to it.
I don't understand how that didn't blow people's minds, though.
Guys, guys, we did a great job, okay? Listen, don't, don't get down on yourselves, all right? Those people are stupid.
They're idiots, they're savages.
They just didn't get it.
Oh, come on.
(slurring): Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Wow, great dance, assholes.
You know what? Just like you low-life shits, I didn't get invited to the after party either, but whatever.
I'm just gonna have sex with somebody to feel better about myself.
I'm gonna bang the next person who talks to me.
So who's it gonna be? Hi-yah! How you doing, fellas? Hey, Schmitty, excuse me.
How you doing, having fun? Hey, did I miss the festivities? Excuse What are we doing here? What's going on? Schmidt, no, no! Hey, how are you? Oh, do you want to have sex with me? Yes, I do.
Well, there you go.
See you, guys.
Monster.
Oh! You all right? Where do you want to go? You got a car? I don't know.
We'll use mine, come on.
Schmitty.
Let's go back to the bar, huh? Yeah.
Let's go, Charlie.
Yeah.
Schmitty just Schmitty.
Swooped in and grabbed the most disgusting girl here.