Last Man Standing s07e13 Episode Script

1 Joe: So the scientist says, "The last time I saw that monkey, he was on the elephant, trying to put the cork back in.
" (Laughs) I'm sorry, is-is was that the punch line or is there another 45 minutes to that joke? Oh, come on, it's a classic.
Joe, Joe.
Let me give you a tip on how to tell a joke, right? Now, it's-it's a simple, simple tip.
Never do it again.
Oh, that joke's hilarious, you just don't get it.
It's possible I didn't get it; it was complex.
An elephant with diarrhea, who would get that? Sorry I am late.
Carol and I went out for breakfast and I started talking about our anniversary and I lost track of time.
Wow.
What anniversary is it? Oh, 25 years next Saturday.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
Vanessa and I are 35 years.
Yeah, I know, Carol and I like having marriage old-timers as friends.
In fact, I wanted to talk to you about that.
I'm done listening for the day.
Blame him.
Oh, you were telling jokes? Scientist, and a monkey and an elephant, okay? Oh.
The one where he has diarrhea? Not cool.
W-Wait, here's how you tell a joke.
Knock, knock.
- Uh, who's there? - Crossbow.
- Crossbow, who? - Crossbow, get back to work or I'm gonna shoot you in the ass with a crossbow.
- Hey, baby.
- Hey.
How was your night out with Carol? A little wine with dinner or a little dinner with wine or a little wine with wine? We had pretzels.
In the Uber.
(Laughs) Guess what Chuck and Carol are gonna do for their 25th anniversary? They are going to get married.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Okay, I'm a simple country boy, but the fact that they have an anniversary would suggest that they're already married.
Well, that was a quickie ceremony before Chuck deployed.
They always planned on having a bigger wedding ceremony someday and I guess after 25 years, they decided they better get on it.
Great story.
Give them a gravy boat.
Oh, I am giving them more than that.
You are looking at Carol's matron of honor.
- Uh, good, good.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- We'll get to eat first.
- Hmm.
Uh, so, Carol told me that Chuck wants you to be involved, too, but he's a little nervous about asking you.
That's what he wanted to talk about this morning.
He wants me to be the best man.
Hmm, what makes you think that? Come on.
Who would be better at it than me? (Laughs) Huh, I'm stumped.
Is that the right answer? I'm funny, dependable, look good in a tux.
- Hell, I could host the Oscars.
- All right.
So, what's the problem? Being the best man is an honor.
It seems like an honor; it's actually a pain in the ass.
It'd be like being the White House chief of staff.
That's something else I could do.
These cakes are beautiful, but Kristin, this is asking way too much.
No, no, Carol, the guys in the kitchen really want to do this for you and Chuck.
They're dying to make something other than the sheet cake that we give away to people who lie about their birthdays.
Carol, you told me the first time that you and Chuck got married, you split a piece of pumpkin pie at the bus station.
Come on, you deserve this.
Well, I guess.
I'll take the four-tier praline with the marzipan fondant and the crystalized lemon blossoms.
Oh.
Okay.
Oh, yikes, Carol, come on.
- We got to pick up your dress.
- Oh! Yes.
Oh, thank you so much, Kristin.
And you know what the worst part about all of this is now? - I want some cake.
- (Laughs) - Bye, guys.
- Bye.
Hey, Kris, you want to watch Lovers and Losers? - It's hot tub elimination night.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm taping it at home.
(Laughs) Who am I kidding? I'm gonna watch it twice anyway.
Can I watch, too? We have this show in Hong Kong but it's called Daughter Shame Family.
- (Laughs) - Uh, sure, Jen.
- Hey, are those my earrings? - Uh I don't know.
Who cares? I do.
You went into my room without asking.
Kristin: (Scoffs) When I lived here, you took my stuff all the time.
No, I didn't.
Your stuff sucks.
Kristin: Yes, you did, liar.
No, I didn't, psycho.
Fine, take them, okay? They're ugly anyway.
- Buy your own earrings, loser.
- Buttface! That is a daughter who shames family.
(Tapping watch) - Uh, Ed.
- Hmm? I think this meeting was over ten minutes ago.
You're just stalling 'cause you don't want to go back to your office.
Now that's insulting.
I have plenty of important things to talk about.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Boy, that Ann-Margret had a great pair of getaway sticks, huh? Hey, when you two are finished, I need a minute of your time, Baxter.
Oh, we're done, we're done, we're done.
Oh, great.
I'll be right in.
Why did you tell him we were done? Because you said we were done.
What is it? - What's wrong? - Chuck wants to ask me to do something and I'm trying to get out of it, so just back me on this, okay? (Sighs) So I guess you heard that Carol and I - are retying the knot.
- I'd love to talk about it - when I get back in town, okay? - Uh What, you're-you're leaving? I was gonna ask you to be a part of it.
W-When do you go? (Stammering) W-When's the wedding? Next Saturday.
Next Saturday.
As luck would have it, that's when Ed and I are doing this thing, right, Ed? Right? What are we doing? The thing we're doing? Well, I don't know what you're doing, but I've been asked to be an usher at Chuck's wedding.
And as I said before, I'm honored.
(Sighs) Man, it's okay, Baxter.
If you don't want to be a part of it, that's - that's fine, man.
- No, it's not forget it, it's not that, you know, I just don't I don't know what's the matter with me.
If you want me to do it, I'm not gonna stand in the way of having an exceptional wedding.
(Chuckles) Okay, I got a list of websites where you can get ordained.
It's quick and painless.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You want me to o-officiate the wedding? Oh, yeah.
(Scoffs) I mean, even though we're already legally married, Carol wants it, you know, all proper.
Why right, well, I-I-I could officiate it.
That'd be all right, yeah.
I don't know if it'd be proper, I got quite a mouth on me.
(Laughs) Yeah, thanks, Baxter.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, Chuck, uh who are you getting to be the best man? Uh, probably one of your Marine buddies.
Oh, no.
Most of my guys are still overseas.
Oh.
Huh.
(Stammers) Who's gonna be the best man? Hey, Reverend, looks like we got a wedding to plan.
(Joe laughing) So yesterday you were mad because you thought Chuck was gonna ask you to be his best man.
(Exhales) Today you're mad because he didn't ask you.
Maybe you just like being mad.
Of course I do.
I'm not mad because he didn't ask me to be the best man.
I'm mad because he asked Joe to be the best man.
Honey, he asked you to perform the ceremony, - that's a big honor.
- Give me a break.
Officiating at a wedding is like being the DJ at a strip bar, you know that.
(Mouthing) Nobody's there to see you.
Well, that must be some of the deep spiritual insight he knows you'll bring to the ceremony.
What's so special about the best man's job? The best man gives that funny speech at the reception.
The big speech, the big fun; it goes on YouTube.
And Joe's gonna give that.
Well, why not? He seems like a funny guy.
My God, who are you? (Doorbell rings) - Oh, there he is.
- Mm-hmm.
I was hoping I could pound a few more beers down before the wedding meeting he insisted on having.
Well, it sounds like Joe is taking his role in the ceremony seriously and you should do the same.
(Grunts) Okay, okay, okay.
- (Doorbell rings) - Hey.
- Do we have any vodka? - Answer the door.
Go, get out.
Reverend Mike.
- Shecky Greene.
- Let's make this quick, okay? 'Cause I'm doing New Talent Night at the comedy club.
I'm workshopping my best man speech.
It is gonna be a killer.
Oh, man.
Honey, can you pour me a glass of what we talked about? Vanessa: No.
Hey, let's get started, huh? Okay.
Let's get started.
Listen, I'm really sorry about how things worked out.
What do you mean? What? About our jobs at the wedding.
I'm sure you've got to be disappointed.
I'm the best man.
It's the best thing you can be, okay? "Best" is in the job title.
Being a best man at a wedding is like being a DJ at a strip club.
Nobody's there to see you.
No, that's ridiculous, okay? Tommy Thunder at Nudes, Nudes, Nudes? He's the reason I frequent that establishment.
Listen, all I'm saying is, I've never been the best man at a wedding when I didn't look up and go, "Boy, I wish I could be the minister.
" Well, congratulations, Baxter.
You are the minister, okay? You're not the DJ at the strip club, you're not even in the strip club.
You're the weird guy that hangs around by the front door.
Not the guy with that stocking cap, he's some kind - of security guy.
- All right, all right, all right, I get it.
I get it! I get it, I get it.
I get it.
Here's the deal.
Okay, we're pals, right? Yeah.
Well, I'm thinking maybe I could talk to Chuck.
- Uh-huh? - Maybe get you the gig as minister and I take the, you know, the stupid best man job.
You think you could get me, like, a certificate? Sure, there's a minister's certificate.
No, a birth certificate, okay? 'Cause apparently you think I was born yesterday.
I'm just trying to help.
Hey, if you want to help, read that.
Read that when you introduce me.
(Stammers) "He's worked clubs and colleges across the country"? "You've seen him on Evening at the Improv"? - What is this? - Okay.
I took a few liberties, okay? Just read that, then step aside and watch me level the joint.
You know you do your speech at the reception, you nitwit, not at the church.
No, I'm the best man.
I'm doing it at the church 'cause Chuck said it's okay, all right? And look, excuse me.
I'm 35th at the comedy club so I got to get going.
Wait a minute.
When were you ever on The Tonight Show? And look how far I've fallen.
Hey, Jen, you want to help us with the centerpieces? Oh, I have to tell Vanessa something, but it's going to upset her.
I know.
Too much red.
(Sighs) It's a wedding, not a bullfight.
Mandy and Kristin hate each other.
They got into a fight.
They said horrible things I cannot repeat.
- What were they fighting about? - Earrings.
(Both laugh) Oh, no, no, wait, let me guess.
Kristin took Mandy's earrings and then Mandy threw a hissy fit.
(Laughs) Stop laughing and do something.
Jen doesn't have any brothers or sisters.
Ah.
I used to want a sister more than anything in the world, but now I am glad I don't have one.
- Trust me, this is what sisters do.
- Yeah.
They fight and they yell and they tell each other to shut up.
- It's sweet.
- (Laughs) Yeah, one of the great things about having a sister is you can fight like that and it doesn't matter.
You know you're always gonna love each other.
That sounds a little crazy.
Is it true? My sister was a giant pain.
She stole my first boyfriend, she crashed my car I should give her a call.
I really appreciate you taking the time, Reverend Paul.
Listen, I need a few pointers on a wedding, man.
This thing's turning into a real pain in the ass.
Yeah.
Just happy to help.
Please, have a seat.
I don't want to sit in your chair.
Oh, why not? You're a "minister" now, too, right? Clicked on a website, you paid ten bucks, boom! You get to wear your collar backwards.
Ten bucks? I overpaid.
(Laughs) Do you have any idea what a seminary education costs, Mike? It's about 18 grand a year, plus books.
Okay, but isn't there only the one book? The average salary of a minister? Around 35 grand.
Greeters at Walmart make more than that.
You know, this is real interesting, but it might be something that someone should take up with their bartender? Officiating weddings was one of the few ways that ministers could make a little extra money.
But now, thanks to the Internet, anyone can be ordained by the Worldwide Church of the Holy Bozo.
Let's be honest, I think you've had a few snorts already today, haven't you? I'm sorry, this just chaps my fanny.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
How can I help? Okay.
All right, listen.
You know how to work a congregation, right? So, I need some surefire bits that I can do at the ceremony.
"Bits"? Yeah, some class A material, you know? I'm not a prop act, I don't juggle, and I won't do magic.
Where is this ceremony? The Tropicana Room? The best man is Joe Leonard.
Do you know Joe? No, I don't think so.
Yeah, cause of course not, he's bound for Hell.
Joe thinks he's funny.
He's not funny.
He's really not funny, and he's doing comedy at the ceremony.
I need to blow this guy offstage.
It's called the sanctuary.
Okay, okay.
I'm-a blow him off the sanctuary.
Mike, you're looking at this completely wrong.
Yeah? A minister at a wedding, it's like a DJ.
Exactly.
DJ at a strip club, exactly! What? I need one surefire bit that's guaranteed a big laugh.
Help me out.
Big laugh.
Okay.
Oh.
(Laughing): Okay.
(Chuckles) There's a scientist, an elephant, and a monkey All right, so after I say that, you say, you yell out Come on, you yell out "How fat is she?" And then I'll say, "My wife is so fat" Well, hang on.
Mrs.
B isn't fat.
Why are you saying she is? It's a joke, I'm not talking about my wife.
It's a joke.
Making fun of somebody's weight is a joke? No, sir.
You want a joke? (Clears throat) "What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?" I don't know.
What? "Where's my tractor?" That's a joke.
Really, Joe? A guitar? What are you gonna do, song parodies? What's the matter, Your Holiness? You don't think they're funny? Why don't you call Weird Al on his yacht and ask him? Pathetic.
I'll be surprised if you won't be smashing watermelons out there.
(Sighs) Watermelons are out of season, genius.
Oh, and don't worry about my act, okay? Just keep your boring minister crap short.
Boring, huh? Well, I might have a joke or two, or 50, Joe.
Don't you dare, okay? I'm headlining this gig, Baxter.
You're just the DJ.
(Scoffs) Not today, Joe.
Today, I am the stripper.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
You got the ring? - What? - Yeah.
Yeah, of course I got the ring.
I'm not an idiot.
I left my breath mints in the car.
I'll be back.
Hey, you know, there's a good chance you'll be slipping a breath mint on your wife's finger today.
Come on, come on.
Hey, hey, hey.
Relax.
I'm pretty sure she's gonna say, "I do.
" (Chuckles) Carol said you'd calm me down, man.
Which is one of the reasons why I asked you to do this.
Really? Wh-What are some of the other reasons? You know, instead of, uh, you know, driving the limo or being an usher or, you know, being the best man.
The judge who married us 25 years ago had never met us before.
He kept calling me Rick through most of the ceremony.
Are you sure he wasn't saying "The Rock"? Oh, and he was single.
And-and I know that because he said all the stuff you hear at a wedding ceremony, but it didn't sound authentic.
So when we decided to renew our vows, we wanted the officiant to be someone who'd been around the block a few times.
(Chuckles) Well, you know me.
I've been circling that block for 35 years.
Yeah.
Exactly.
You and Vanessa have the same kind of marriage Carol and I have.
Long, solid and honest.
And who better to bless it? I am really honored you asked me, my friend.
Yeah, man.
Oh, and the worst part about the guy who did it 25 years ago, he kept trying to be funny.
Well, it could've been worse, you know? He could've played the guitar.
Kristin: Mom! We got to go! Can I help with anything? Yeah, sure, Jen.
Can you put some of these corsages in the box? What's that? What did you say? Actually, can you just grab the camera bag? This camera bag? Kristin: Yeah.
Oh.
Are you wearing Mandy's earrings? No.
Wow, they-they look great on you.
I didn't steal them.
Shut up! I mean, it's totally fine.
You should keep them.
They look way better on you anyway.
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Uh, girls, I need you to do me a weird favor.
Hey, Jen, did you go into my room without asking? - Because that is not cool.
- Yeah, what were you thinking? You have your own stupid room.
That you better stay out of.
Hey! That used to be my room.
(Scoffs) Yeah, back when it sucked.
Give me the earrings.
You just said I could have them.
Liar.
- Stealer! - Loser! - Psycho! - (Laughs) Hey, hey, what's going on? It's okay, Vanessa, we were just talking.
- Yeah, Mom.
Butt out.
- It's a sister thing.
Hmm.
Well, you sisters better get going.
Fine, you can wear the earrings, today.
"Love never fails.
"These three remain forever: "faith, hope and love.
But the greatest of these is love.
" Not one laugh.
Thank you, Kyle.
Well, I get to talk now, which, as many of you know, one of my favorite things.
I'm supposed to talk about being married for a long time, another one of my favorite things, but instead, I'm gonna talk about my very favorite thing: cars.
Specifically, I want to talk about classic cars because being married for a long time is a lot like owning a classic car.
I think about that when I look at my lovely wife, Vanessa.
How fat is she? When you have a classic car, you don't take it for granted, right? You don't assume it's always gonna work.
You got to take care of it, got to tinker with it.
You got to listen to it.
It's not a lot of work, but you do it every day.
And those days turn into weeks, the weeks turn into years.
If you're lucky, they turn into decades.
But that car's gonna run like a top, like it was brand-new.
And when everybody sees it, they all say, "I wish I had one of those.
" He's better than Tommy Thunder at Nudes, Nudes, Nudes.
Oh, you're that guy that's going to Hell.
No, no.
It wasn't that bad, Joe.
I think people enjoyed your speech.
I was there.
Nobody enjoyed his speech, which is why I loved it.
Say what you want.
I did get one big laugh.
(Chuckles): Yeah, when you dropped that guitar.
Yeah, that was great.
And that breakaway neck you had on it made it super funny.
- Yeah, it was a great wedding.
- Mm-hmm.
Hope the Larabees have fun on their honeymoon in Vegas.
I was surprised to hear that Chuck is an Elton John fan.
- Yeah, me, too.
- Yeah, I wish I had known.
I would have incorporated it into my act.
Then you could have dropped a piano.
Hey, uh, while Chuck's gone, who's gonna be in charge of security at the store? Who cares? Now you can take whatever you want 'cause who's gonna stop you, Joe? This is gonna be a real fun two weeks.
- Look at you, sitting at Chuck's desk.
- Yep.
Our head of security may go on a honeymoon, but crime never does.
Have you seen their pictures from Vegas? They are having a great time.
Oh, yes.
Ah, Vegas.
Yeah.
I bet Redford could get Demi Moore for a lot less than a million bucks these days.
Uh, so, don't take this wrong, but do you even know what you're doing? Oh, I'm getting the hang of it.
I'm getting the hang of it.
Mm.
See, this camera here is for the loading dock.
See? Yeah.
And this one's for the main retail area.
Mm-hmm.
And this one's always good for a laugh.
(Clears throat) (Echoing): Checking, check, check, check.
Paging Mr.
Kaseltzer.
Mr.
Al Kaseltzer.
Ha! I-I only do that because the store hasn't opened yet.
That's - Yeah.
We opened 20 minutes ago.
- I knew that.
I knew that, I knew that.
Okay, uh (Clears throat) Disregard the previous announcement for Mr.
Kaseltzer.
Mr.
Alka-Seltzer.
There's one thing I don't get, is why there are so many - blind spots in the store.
- Yeah, well, whatever Chuck set up is working.
Theft has been way down since he took over.
There's got to be a better way to beef up security here.
I-I want to take a shot at it.
Okay, I-I wouldn't mess with any of Chuck's stuff.
Okay, Ed? He's worked really hard on this system, and he's got a lot of pride.
Pride? Pride, well, I have a lot of pride, too.
- (Clears throat) - Oh, no.
Paging Mr.
Moretime.
Mr.
Juan Moretime.
Hey, babe, before we go to the bank, let's make sure the car has enough gas to get us to the bank and then back from the bank.
(Chuckles) Mandy/Kyle: Oh.
Hello, Mom and Dad.
Guess where we're going? Hopefully, acting lessons.
Uh, no.
We're going to the bank.
Kyle and I are combining our money.
Yeah, since we're moving into our first apartment together soon, we figured it's time.
All right, well, that's a major decision.
I hope you gave it some thought.
Gave what thought? Combining money? Bad idea.
It's like putting Trump in a bath with Pelosi.
Vanessa: I mean, he's right.
You know the number one thing couples fight about? Who's cuter? It's him.
- (Scoffs) It's her.
- It's him.
- It's you.
- It's you.
- It's you.
It's you.
- Hey, hey, hey! Look at me.
We're talking about money.
And it's her.
- No, it's you.
- No, I meant you.
- You.
No.
- No, really.
Look.
- Mike: Look, you're the one.
You are.
- No, no, no.
- You are.
You - Stop! Stop, look at me.
We're talking about money.
Look, it-it's harder than you think, learning to say "our money" instead of "my money.
" Especially if you're the one making most of our money.
Hey, look, I'm not embarrassed about that.
You know, for maybe five years, I I was a kept man.
Yeah.
Just spent my days, you know, working out, going to get my nails done, playing Parcheesi and making her happy.
(Exhales) Well, I just don't see us ever arguing about money.
- Kyle and I are always on the same - Planet.
Exactly.
(Chuckles) All right, well, look.
If you guys need any advice, - feel free to ask.
- No, no.
Ask her.
- I don't want any part of this.
- No what? You love giving advice.
Only when people don't want it.
Okay, we're gonna be fine.
Okay, let's go.
I'm just gonna grab my purse.
Uh, don't you mean "our purse"? Yeah, they may be from the same planet, but it's not Earth.
We're out of the bison, so we're changing the Chop of the Day to elk.
If anybody asks, just Um, could you excuse me (Chuckles): for a second? (Clears throat) - We're just - Ed.
There's a drone Oh, come on, it's you? What the hell are you doing? Nothing much, just living in the future.
And how did you get Jen mixed up in all of this? Mr.
Alzate asked if I knew anything about surveillance.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm from Hong Kong.
The land of eight million cameras and no crime.
Coincidence? Well, it's scaring my customers.
Well, you know who doesn't steal? People who are scared.
We have a female Caucasian in aisle 17 who appears to be concealing something under an oversized jacket.
Give me eyes on that.
False alarm.
Suspect appears to be pregnant.
Disengaging.
You can't do this, Ed.
The store already has something that hovers over people and bothers them.
- It's called you.
- Mm-hmm.
What are you so afraid of, Kristin? No more free pens from the hostess desk? Hmm? Oh, come on.
(The Godfather theme playing over TV) Hey, Mr.
B.
Oh, is this the, uh, uh, The Grandfather? (Music stops) (Chuckles) The Godfather.
Well, um, I'm sorry to interrupt, but uh, Mandy and I had a tiny disagreement about money.
Because you only have a tiny amount of money.
Ask Vanessa, she volunteered to hear this stuff.
W-Well, she's not here.
(Sighs) She's never here.
(Imitates Vito Corleone): That's how she does it.
So, when we linked our accounts, uh, Mandy got upset when she saw that I've been giving to a charity every month.
No, no, no.
I love that you give to charity, but Dad, this isn't charity, this is his deadbeat brother Lonny.
Oh, the deadbeat brother.
Every family has their Fredo.
Dad, we're not talking about Lord of the Rings.
We're talking about a bully who-who pushed him around - since he was little.
- Your mom and I used to have the same issue with your Aunt April, right? She kept asking for money, we eventually had to cut her off.
But Lonny needs my help and I can help him.
If I don't doesn't that make me a bad person? It's easy to confuse wanting to help and needing to help.
What he probably needs is you to get out of the way, so he has the dignity to stand on his own two feet.
And with that, my advice (Imitates Vito Corleone): is over.
All right, well, hope you're right, Mr.
B.
Of course he's right.
He always gives such great advice.
(The Godfather theme playing over TV) (Sighs) When am I gonna learn? You give them good advice, they come back.
I've just had it, this is so stupid.
Marmaduke again? They've had this slobbering Great Dane since 1954, they still leave a steak on the table.
Hey.
Uh, I'm headed out to read to the blind and then serve some soup at the homeless shelter.
That's great.
A lot of guys use that story as an excuse to go drink at the bar.
- (Laughs) - Really? No.
I No.
I-I've read to the blind.
Oh, uh, my brother asked for more money, and I said I got some great advice from my father-in-law, and that the Kyle Anderson piggy bank is closed.
What uh, hold on.
Uh Mike told you to stop helping out your own brother? Yeah.
So I'm volunteering.
If I can't help Lonny, I got to help somebody.
Well, off to skid row! Poor Kyle.
Poor, poor heartbroken Kyle.
Stop it.
Cutting off his brother was the right thing to do.
Look, it's not that easy for some of us, Mike.
Even though your head knows it's the right thing, in your heart, it's hard to say no to family.
Your heart doesn't know anything.
That's why it's not called the brain.
This is just like my thing with my sister April.
We're not gonna get into this again, are we? No, no.
You specifically asked me not to talk about it.
Perfect.
Yeah, yeah.
Mm.
But you're okay with not giving her money, right? What do you mean? I still send her money.
You know that.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
Just 'cause you say I know something doesn't - make me know it.
- Oh, look.
Last time we had this conversation, you distinctly said you understood how I feel about April, but you didn't want to hear about me giving her any more money.
- Exactly.
- Right, so I send her money, and you don't hear about it.
Wow.
Exactly wrong.
Y-You can tell what comic strip I'm reading from across the room, but you don't understand what I meant when I said, "I don't want to hear about it"? All right, well, if well, if that's what you meant, I didn't agree with it, and I don't agree with it now.
So I have no say in how we spend our money.
Look, it's my sister, Mike.
I'm not gonna stop giving her money.
Okay, you know what I just heard? "Hey, look, Mike, I'm not gonna give her any more money!" Two can play this game.
Ah, la, la, la, la, la! There she is.
The commander of eye in the sky.
What are we looking at today? Huh? Uh, we have a temporary shutdown, sir.
Huh? What? Where's my drone? Why aren't I seeing anything here? There was an incident.
Play it back.
- You're not gonna like it.
- All right.
Okay.
What's she doing? What-What's going on? Told you you wouldn't like it.
(Moans) Oops.
What's this? It's a peace offering.
That's very nice of you.
You take a bite first.
I didn't do anything to it, Mike.
Mm-hmm.
(Gasps) Oh! - (Groaning) - Okay.
Yeah, okay, that-that's nice.
Either die or give me the cake back.
Honey, I am sorry for our misunderstanding.
Okay, I would never do anything deliberately behind your back.
Except that face I make to the kids.
I guess I could have been more clear.
- (Chuckles) - Although I really don't know how.
Look, I know you think that April is taking advantage of me.
Listen, I know April.
There's nothing that's enough for her, right? She's like a freeloading socialist, and you're a-a sweet old Bernie Sanders.
Oh, well, thank you.
"Old" and "Bernie Sanders" in one sentence.
Look, I'm not saying you're a lunatic leftist, I'm saying you're acting like a lunatic leftist.
No, look, you don't know April.
Okay, she's-she's not some freeloading socialist.
She's my sister, and we-we have the same mother.
Wow, you really are a scientist.
Mom wasn't the easiest person to-to live with, and April and I were always there for each other.
And I-I can't say no to her now when she needs my help.
Do you really think this is helping her? Well, I maybe not.
I don't know, maybe not.
But I can't look at somebody I love, who's desperate, and-and turn them away.
And I don't think you could either.
Sure I could.
Give me her phone number.
- No, no, I can't do that.
- And why not? She lost her phone again, and I have to send her a new one.
Look.
Hey, hey, that doesn't make you right.
(Quietly): Doesn't make me wrong either.
LONNY: Hello? Hello? Can I help you? Are you Mike Baxter? Do you live around here? No.
I'm Kyle's brother, Lonny.
Lonny Anderson.
Wow.
You know, that, uh, poster I had in my college dorm was way off.
When Kyle said you were his big brother, he wasn't kidding.
Yeah, people always said I got the muscles, he got the brains.
Wow.
Well, it's a good thing you-you both have that nonviolent personality, right? Right? I'm not here looking for trouble.
I just want to know why you told him to cut me off.
I'm family.
That's not exactly what I told Kyle.
Look, he's starting a new family right now.
It-it might be a good time for you to pull your own weight.
Right? And speaking of weight, what do you bench, like, 300? I don't know exactly.
Whatever a motorcycle weighs.
Look, the way I understand it, Kyle's been supporting you for a long time, you know? But look, the economy's great.
There's jobs everywhere right now.
You think I'm a bum, don't you? No, no, no, no.
I think you're used to taking money from your brother, which might be getting in the way of you making it on your own.
I've had a ton of jobs, okay? Getting them's easy.
Keeping them's hard.
Yeah.
And yet, I've had one for 30 years, but, you know, go on.
I'm not gonna let some jackass making 50 cents an hour more than I do yell at me.
I grew up getting screamed at.
Kyle told me a lot about how you guys grew up, and I know, I know your mom was a-a handful.
She was nuts.
My old man, he was worse.
Well, I-I don't ever recall Kyle complaining about your dad.
Kyle was born after he left.
He was the lucky one.
The rest of us, we had to sit there and take it.
Sometimes our parents cast a long shadow, don't they? Listen, maybe there's something down at Outdoor Man.
You know, we might have some work at the loading dock, or, hell, lifting boats.
(Chuckles) Nah, I don't want to work there.
I mean, that's all I need is everybody comparing me to my super smart brother.
(Chuckles): Yeah.
Well, um, look, I-I know a lot of people in Denver.
I'll make some calls, all right? Thanks, but no.
You know, maybe you were right before.
I mean, this could be a good time for me to make a new start.
I got a buddy up in Wyoming who's been bugging me to come up there.
Wyoming's a great place, man.
Good opportunity that could turn into something great.
He's in a biker gang.
Or it might not.
Look, I'm really happy that Kyle has a family now.
He's a good kid.
He's a great man.
And you're okay, too.
It's funny, you know.
You're not at all who I thought you were.
You either.
I'll tell him you stopped by.
Okay.
Sorry again about the drone, Ed.
No apology necessary.
You did the right thing.
- What was I thinking? - (Chuckles) I'm just glad that you realized Chuck's security system is fine the way it is.
Mm.
But it's not.
However, next time we beef up security, it won't be with a drone.
It'll be with something that-that blends in.
Ed? What do, what do you mean, "the next time"? (Whirring) Oh, my God.
Ed, this doesn't blend in! Hey, babe, uh, I want to talk about your sister, okay? You have anything new to say? I still think it's a bad idea for you to give her money.
(Scoffs) I am underwhelmed.
- Hey there.
- Hi, guys.
Boy, you learn stuff when you're helping people.
Today I learned that you don't have to talk louder when you read to the blind.
And I learned that when you mispronounce a word, even the blind will roll their eyes.
All right, well, I'm gonna go lay down.
I just spent two hours shouting The Da Vinci Code.
I feel so bad for Kyle.
He keeps beating himself up about Lonny, and I-I wish there was something I could do to help.
Well, as luck would have it, your mom and I are dealing with a similar situation with, uh, your Aunt April, so I'd like to field this, if I could.
Yeah, this should be interesting; I'm all ears.
Eh, mostly teeth and hair, but whatever.
I realized that I don't really know April.
- At least not the way your mom knows her.
- No.
But I know your mom, and I trust her.
Okay, starting to be a little "whelmed.
" And if she thinks that helping her sister with our money is a good idea, I trust her that it's a good idea.
Case closed.
Thank you.
Okay, so that's what I should do with Kyle.
No, no, no, you just can't copy us.
Every relationship is different.
It's like a classic car, right? Right, right, right.
You said that at Chuck's wedding.
- Exactly.
- Just before Kyle called Mom fat.
Uh, look, I-I know I don't say this as much as your father does, but he's right.
Money issues are too personal for you to copy - what anybody else does.
- Right.
Like a classic car.
Every marriage is different and requires a different amount of work.
You know, sometimes it's the valves, sometimes the carburetor, that sort of thing.
- I understand.
- Okay.
What if our car's electric? Then I don't really want to talk to you.
Okay, great advice, Dad.
And since The Godfather's your favorite movie (Imitates the Terminator): I'll be back.
(Chuckles) - Thank you, Mike.
- Mm.
Come here.
- Mm - What? Ugh, I just can't stop picturing Trump and Pelosi in the bath.
Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man, inviting you to come on down and spend your money.
You can spend a little or a lot.
Hell, you can spend it all.
And I'm just gonna say thank you.
(Chuckles) Because we're not married.
You don't need my permission to buy a boat, but if you feel like you do, trust me buy the boat.
Between business and customers, money is just about numbers.
But in a marriage, money is an emotional minefield.
One wrong step and boom! It'll cost you an arm and a leg.
How we spend our money is an expression of what we care about.
The book of Matthews says, "Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
" Spend two months' salary on an engagement ring, and your fiancée will love you.
Spend two months' salary on a Nitro Z bass boat without permission, you might be sleeping in that boat.
But with the right sleeping bag, it isn't that uncomfortable, to be honest with you.
A purchase might have some deeper meaning to some.
Maybe your partner doesn't see Broncos season tickets and wonder if they're too expensive, but instead wonders if you love football more than you love her.
And, of course, the answer to that is not since Peyton Manning retired.
Therapists tell us arguments about money can often be on something unfulfilled from our childhood.
I feel it, and I get it.
And just maybe what you didn't get when you were a kid could be, I don't know, a bow and arrow, a cool camp stove, or a snowmobile.
Where could you possibly find stuff like that? As luck would have it, I bet we carry it right here at Outdoor Man.
And it might be on sale.
(Chuckles): Look, I do what I can to help.
Baxter out.