M*A*S*H (MASH) s07e13 Episode Script

[Blowing, Shivering.]
- Boy, it's cold.
- Mm-hmm.
Even the cards up my sleeve are frozen.
I'll say.
All my hearts have stopped beating.
Anybody bring a hot water bottle? Best I can do is a bottle of hot peppers.
Come on, toots.
It's your bet.
Okay, caution to the wind.
One wool sock.
Uh-uh.
Pair of socks or better to open.
- Who upped the ante? - Me.
I was inspired by the Old Testament.
As the Lord said to Noah, "Everything in pairs.
" Course, the Lord was holding three aces at the time.
All right, enough of this foreplay.
Earmuffs.
I see your earmuffs, and I raise you a feather boa.
- To you, big slim.
- Let's see, jacket sweater, robe sweater, sweater, shirt.
I'm practically naked.
Fold.
All right.
Ski mask.
You know, I finally figured out what it is I hate about winter.
- What's that? - The cold.
You too? So tough to find things to wear that don't clash with blue skin.
In this weather, I'm always reminded of George Washington in that terrible winter at Valley Forge struggling to keep his ragged army together.
Trying to keep his men from stealing his dentures for firewood.
Tough guy, that George his bark was the same as his bite.
- To you, Friar Luck.
- Bath robe genuine sackcloth.
- Ashes in both pockets.
- That'll get the girls.
- [All Shivering.]
- Close the door, sir! Close the door! - Geez! - Colonel.
Shiverin' shinbones! It must be down to ten degrees! - No, it's up to five socks.
- I have a ridiculous question to ask.
Does anybody besides me have a flush? - [Groaning.]
Not again.
- I guess that beats a pair of threes.
- You were bluffing in this weather? - And the rich get warmer.
Winchester's got the hot hand, huh? He should.
He's wearing all our gloves.
Well, don't worry.
It's gonna be warm enough for all of us soon.
What makes you think so, Colonel? Trick knee? [Chuckles.]
Uh, don't push your luck, Chuckles.
"L" Corps is getting ready for a major offensive.
Gonna be a real big push.
They're throwing a couple of divisions at the Chinese.
And they'll throw at least a battalion of casualties back at us.
They won't be fighting with snowballs, that's for sure.
- When do we get 'em? - First wave should be here in a couple of hours.
- First wave? - Then there's the inevitable counteroffensive.
That'll bring the second wave in within 24 hours.
You could set your clock by this war.
I guess that means we should call the game.
- [All Groaning.]
- Well, we better get O.
R.
Ready.
Excuse me! Excuse me! We're neglecting something here.
- [Klinger.]
What? - Kindly pay up.
- [All Clamoring.]
- Here, take it all if you want! Let's move it, people.
! You'll have plenty of time to talk after the war.
! Give me that.
In order to make this instrument work it has to touch the floor.
I'll demonstrate.
- Pardon me, Cinderella.
- What? - I mean Major.
- What do you want? We seem to have a problem.
I checked on the sodium pentothal.
We're down to two boxes - That's not enough.
- Hence the problem.
Go check with Sergeant Zale.
He must have more pentothal in stock.
- I did.
He didn't.
- That's impossible! The supply truck was just here.
Minus the pentothal.
Damn! We're gonna have a deluge through here.
Too late to call it off, huh? All right.
I'll find out what's going on.
- Klinger, take over here.
- Yes, ma'am.
All right, people! I'm in charge now! Two minute break.
Well, let's hear it, Zale.
Why are we low on pentothal? - And it better be good.
- He's my witness, Major.
- Of course he is.
- Actually, sir, we're not low on paper.
Let me put it another way, Mr.
Snake Oil.
What happened to the pentothal? - I traded it to the 8063rd.
- Did you hear that? - He traded it! - I heard that.
- What did you trade it for? - How could you trade it? - Who do I answer? - Me, you yahoo! What did you trade it for? Plasma.
Best deal I ever made I thought.
- Well, you know what to do, Zale.
- Right, sir.
What? Go to the 8063rd and get the pentothal back.
Well, I'd love to, Colonel, but the 8063rd doesn't have it.
- You just said they did! - Down in front, Major.
Why don't they have it? They needed it to get penicillin from the 121 st.
- So, the 121 st has it? - Wrong.
They traded it to a South Korean unit for some fresh vegetables.
Look, let's just get this over with.
Shoot him.
You're lucky I'm in command.
Look, Colonel, this sort of trading goes on constantly.
Major, remember the time you wanted those leather hip boots with spiked heels? Never mind! Spiked heels? How do you fish with those on? Colonel, what are we gonna do about the pentothal? Right.
- Radar, we're running low - I just called "I'"Corps about getting some more pentothal.
Get "l" Corps on the phone.
Good boy.
Thank you, sir.
Well, what did they say? Oh, they can't spare any right now, what with the trucks in convoy and the battle - I know it by heart.
- I did the best I could.
I even yelled.
- Go yell some more.
- Right.
What are we gonna do, Colonel? Well, we'll stretch out the pentothal as best we can.
When that's gone, we'll just have to use ether and nitrous oxide.
I presume we have those, Sergeant Huckster.
We're lousy with it.
You can't give that stuff away.
Colonel, with the number of casualties we're expecting it'll take forever to get through on ether.
Margaret, we're fresh out of choices.
- Excuse me, sirs.
- What is it, Radar? - Choppers.
Lots of'em.
- Here we go.
- [Helicopters Whirring.]
- Oh, and, Zale if you're feeling rotten about this good! Hustle, boys! Hustle! We're fighting time.
This guy's in shock.
Plasma, right away.
- All right, let's move it out! - Bring him to O.
R.
Tag all chest cases for pentothal only.
They can't handle the ether.
- What do you think? - It's gonna take forever to get these people under.
My draft board promised me this was gonna be a modern war.
Litter! My biceps are at attention, sir.
Command them.
Get this guy into pre-op right away.
Make him comfortable.
He might be there for a while.
Same old story, soldier.
Hurry up and wait.
Come on, Dennis.
Hi, Kenny? It's Radar.
Huh? Where's Kenny? Tokyo? Okay, listen, maybe you can help me.
Uh, this is 4077 th.
How long have you been over here? Two hours and you're on the radio already? A rookie! Look, uh, we need some sodium pentothal.
Sodium pentothal.
It's an "anthinez" It's an "anathe" It's the stuff that makes you go to sleep.
What do you mean you can't give it to me? You don't even know what it is! Can I speak to your C.
O.
, please? His name is Colonel Hooten.
Why do they send these kids? [Potter.]
Anybody check the time? [B.
J.
.]
Sorry, can't take my wrist out to look.
[Hawkeye.]
Last I checked, it was either quarter to wave one or half-past wave two.
- Hi, there.
I'm a surgeon.
- Don't confuse him, Pierce.
Ready, Doctor.
Just relax and inhale deeply.
That's easy.
Just look at her and sigh.
Take it easy, kid! Margaret, get the cone over his face.
- He won't let me.
- Don't be polite.
Just do it! - Need any help over there? - No, no, we're fine, thank you.
- Margaret, hurry up.
- I've got it.
I've got it.
Oh, great.
Now you gotta mug 'em before you operate on 'em.
- [Coughing.]
- That's too much ether.
- You're giving him too much.
- Sorry, I've never given ether by itself before.
Oh, yippee.
I have to do your job as well as mine.
Major! Caldman, take over for me.
I don't blame you specifically, mind I hold the entire world responsible.
Here, Carson.
Do it like this.
Don't drop it too quickly, or you'll cause choking.
I don't want to lose the patient before I'm through.
- It would be bad for his morale.
- [Potter.]
Hold it.
! - Who turned those heaters on? - Get 'em off.
Quick! On the double.
Ether and flames don't mix.
We're lucky we're not on the moon by now.
We just gotta go at it in the cold, folks.
What? You mean work under adverse conditions? Yes, Colonel, I know you're low, and you got casualties, too but, sir, I'm talking out of a sense of desperateness here.
I mean, we're really up the river without a creek.
Well, uh, can't you just send us one box? Are you sure you're low? No, sir, I'm not calling you a liar! No, sir! Even if you were, I wouldn't call you one.
I'm sorry, I just Corporal Walter O'Reilly.
R-A-1-9-4-9-0-6-9.
Colonel, please turn the heaters back on.
- At least an explosion would be warm.
- One more complaint from you and I'll blow up.
I stand, as always, rejected.
Too bad you're not working on a belly.
Your hands stay pretty warm in here.
[Hawkeye.]
How's he doing, Margaret? - Yoo-hoo.
- Oh, sorry.
He's fine.
- Maybe you oughta step into the lobby for a second.
- No need.
Hmm.
Just so I can plan my day, how long before the next batch of wounded is due? Not long.
Probably around 1400.
Is that how long or how many? That's when the big hand is on the 14.
Margaret! Corpsman! - Pam, take over! - [Potter.]
The damn ether.
Get her outside.
[Hawkeye.]
Lot of good that'll do.
We're probably short of fresh air.
- [Gagging, Coughing.]
- Margaret? - Margaret? - Is she comin' around? Keep your hands to yourself, General.
- That's a good sign.
- Easy, Major.
Easy.
- [Coughing.]
- You all right? I, uh I'm fine.
Really.
[Coughs.]
I'm more embarrassed than hurt.
It's okay.
I covered for you.
I told everyone you had morning sickness.
Between the ether and the cold, it's a wonder we're not all on the deck.
Kind of chummy though.
The staff and the patients falling asleep in each other's arms.
- [Sighs.]
- We're gonna have to cut down on the ether.
Fine.
We'll just break out the polo mallets.
I was thinking about using local anesthesia on the simpler cases.
Locals? Colonel, we'll slow down even more.
Not that we're breaking any speed records now.
At least we could turn the heat up.
We won't run as much risk of the floor smacking us in the face.
I wish there was something I could do to help.
Since we don't have a prayer, how about novenas and a pentothal? We might be able to arrange a drop.
It's gonna take more than a drop, Padre.
No, I meant make a drop with the black market for pentothal.
Not advisable.
Those boys play rough.
Yeah, they cut off your nose to spite your face.
And anyway, who'd be low enough to have connections with those tarantulas? Well, uh, as a matter of fact, me.
- You? - Why you devil, you.
On occasion, I've had to deal through the black market to obtain supplies for the orphans.
You can get practically anything.
- Yeah, but you have to give them practically everything.
- Not always.
You'd be surprised what a priest can get away with.
- You volunteering? - I'd certainly like to give it a go.
Anyway, I'm the only one who knows the scam.
I don't know.
You'd have to be good and careful.
- I try to be both.
- Right.
Okay, Padre, it's your baby.
Just an expression.
Father, exactly what is it that you want? Just a small contribution, Major.
Oh, yes.
The bane of the well-to-do: Charity appeals.
It's to trade with the black marketeers for pentothal.
- You'll be doing yourself a favor.
- [Scoffs.]
Father, I don't know if they're worth anything but you're welcome to my captain's bars never been used.
Two railroad tracks.
Thank you.
That's a start.
- Major? - Oh, all right.
If the others are gonna chip in a dollar or two, I'll go along.
- Is it tax deductible? - I'm afraid we'll need something more substantial.
Oh, fine.
Well, then I'll give you Move your feet.
I'll give you Will you move your feet?! I'll give you I'll give you $10.
Will they take a personal check? I was thinking more in terms of something they wouldn't tear up.
- A case of vintage wine leaps to mind.
- Certainly not.
- I'm down to my last one.
- I'm asking you nicely.
And I'm telling you nicely.
No.
Charles, I'm much too tired to go through all this.
Just give him the wine.
Don't make Hawk and me give it to him for you.
- What? That's extortion! - Catchy name for it.
Exactly how do you propose to exchange the wine? Oh, I leave the goods at the designated spot and I go back later and pick up the pentothal.
- You're a trusting soul, aren't you? - It comes with the collar.
Father, you really are a chump.
You'd drop off the goods then come back to discover they've left you nothing.
You have to meet 'em face-to-face.
That isn't the usual arrangement.
If you want my wine, you will do it my way.
Well, if you're gonna get your way the least you could do is give the father your gourmet food with the wine.
- What? - Ah, in that case, we have a deal.
- What? - You've got a deal.
Thank you, Major.
I will go make the necessary arrangements.
Charles, you're really a generous guy.
Don't you ever use that word in my presence again.
You know, I'm thinking, Father, maybe I should call the 8055th again.
They'll just say no again.
Well, maybe you could put a curse on them.
Radar, there's nothing to worry about.
We simply walk in calmly make our exchange, then hightail it out of there.
Can I just wait in the jeep? Corporal, get away from my wine.
You "non-com-poop.
" I'm going along.
- That's not necessary.
- It is my wine and it is imperative that I talk these nefarious tradesmen down a bit in price.
I cannot think of existing without at least one bottle.
Yeah, you can take my place.
Good luck to you both, sirs.
Major, I appreciate your zeal, but can you be spared from O.
R.
? The colonel has graciously allowed me an entire half hour to sleep.
I will gladly do without it in order to protect my investment.
Major, you don't know who you'll be dealing with.
[Scoffing.]
Neither do they.
Move it out! I believe that's the phrase.
Well, toodle-oo, Radar.
Uh, toodle-oo to you two too.
- Litter! - Three-oh silk.
Harkness, I'm gonna stitch you now so you're liable to feel a slight tug.
Isn't this fun? [Chuckles.]
Is the anesthetic gonna hold, Doc? The only pain you're gonna feel is when you find out she's married.
Okay, let's move on over to the shoulder.
Uh, more local, please.
- Is it bad, Doc? - What? Are you kidding? I wish I had shoulders that good.
Compared to you, I have no shoulders at all.
My neck goes straight down to my waist.
- Where are you from? - Idaville, Indiana.
- No kidding? Idaville.
- Yeah.
Ever go to the dances at the American Legion Hall there? - Yeah, sure.
- And, um on the edge of town, there's this little place where you can get the world's greasiest french fries.
- Right, Mona's.
- Yeah, yeah.
And, uh, uh, what else? The Studebaker dealership, always has those search lights when they bring in new models.
Hey, when were you in Idaville? Never.
I grew up in the same small town in Maine.
- There they are.
- Scary-looking bunch.
I'm surprised they don't have "black market" written on the truck.
[Winchester Laughs.]
They're amateurs.
! [Laughs.]
And I thought this was gonna be tough.
Major, please, be careful.
Father, you just, uh, work your beads.
Let me do the talking.
How do, gentlemen? I'm Major Winchester.
The father you already know.
- Cut the malarkey.
What you got for us? - Yeah, well.
We're featuring several bottles of Châteauneuf du Pape.
- Hooch? - Wine, you French wine.
We're prepared to offer you several bottles for each box of pentothal.
The very words are breaking my heart.
- Not good enough.
- Not good enough! If you said that to a Frenchman, he'd spit in your face.
- Lx-nay, Ajor-may.
- [Mutters.]
All right.
Two.
Two bottles for each.
- All of it.
- Two.
My final offer.
Major, please! - Take it or leave it.
- Oh, Lord.
[Speaking Korean.]
- Okay.
We take it.
You leave it.
- Fine.
Now, if you'd be kind enough to hand over those boxes of pentothal - [Trigger Clicking.]
- [Muttering.]
I, uh All All right.
- Three bottles.
- [Speaking Korean.]
[Mutters.]
You can [Repeats Korean.]
over there.
You needn't hold that quite so high.
Doctor? Hawkeye? Oh, Margaret.
It can't be heaven.
I've only been dead five minutes.
You've gotta get up.
- A second wave isn't here already? - No.
One of your patients tore open his sutures.
Post-operative vomiting caused by the ether.
- All right.
Get him back in here.
- We're prepping him now.
- I'll prepare a local.
- Help me up.
Get me something to lean against while I'm operating.
Preferably you.
Shocking! Just-Just-Just Shocking! These war profiteers have absolutely no sense of human decency anymore.
None! Laughing at a man in his underwear! I wish I had their names.
And you forgiving them over and over and over! - Major.
- You wouldn't dare leave me out here.
If you had just acquired a case of wine, what would you do with it? - Sell it for a raccoon coat.
- No, I really wanna know.
Well, l Well, l Depending on the vintage I'd put it away in a cellar until it had aged properly.
L No.
- I'd drink it, wouldn't I? - Ha! Let's get 'em, Father! [Speaking Korean.]
[Speaking Korean.]
- Have you ever seen such idiots? - Shh! Shh! Drinking red wine with stuffed capons! - What is it, Radar? - Huh? Oh.
Uh, the choppers are comin' in, sir, with the second wave.
[Sighs.]
Mulcahy back yet? - No, sir.
- I hope he's all right.
Well, you better wake everybody up.
- Everybody, sir? - Yeah, everybody.
What's the matter? It's gonna be kinda hard to wake up Major Winchester 'cause he went out with Father Mulcahy.
- He didn't.
- Okay, but he did.
What the hell does that jackass think he's doin'? Well, he said he could make a better deal.
Some deal.
Now I'm not only out of pentothal, I'm short a surgeon too.
- Yes, sir.
- Damn! [Speaking Korean.]
[Shouting In Korean.]
[Winchester.]
Start the engine! Why don't you start the engine? [Mulcahy.]
Where is the starter on this thing? We're dead men.
Yes, we are.
We're dead men.
Oh, dead.
- [Engine Starts.]
- Well, go! Go! Go! [Winchester Laughing.]
That'll teach you! Confidence men! Barbarians! Confidence rejects! Remember the Boston Tea Party! Burns.
Second and third degree.
Dress him.
We'll debride him later, if necessary.
Get some more pressure on that dressing, then a slug of morphine.
Go! - Radar! - Yes, sir.
Let me know when Winchester shows up.
I'm gonna duck walk his carcass from now until St.
Swithin's Day.
Yes, sir.
We're just fooling ourselves here, Colonel.
Well, keep at it.
It's all we've got.
Unit of plasma.
If we're out of that, I quit.
- Get 'im inside.
- [Horn Beeping.]
What in the Sam Hill is that? We got it! Pentothal! Seven boxes! Come on, people! Let's unload her! - [Laughing.]
- Father, let me be the first.
- [Laughing.]
- Hey, wait a minute.
What about me? I'm not hugging you till you put something on.
Now, at the risk of sounding ungrateful where in the blazes is my jeep? Well, certain sacrifices had to be made.
[Groans.]
Tell me about it.
Winchester, that's very appealing, but put on a gown! - We need you in O.
R.
- Oh, of course.
No rest for the brave and resourceful.
He was a real blessing out there, Colonel and, God willing, I'll never be blessed with him again.
Amen.
All right, everybody, let's move it.
We got a long stretch ahead.
- [Nurse.]
Ready, Doctor.
- [B.
J.
.]
Ah, what a pleasure.
Scalpel.
No muss.
No fuss.
Just rock-a-bye baby, and out they go.
No more patients looking over your shoulder while you work on theirs.
No more ether to breathe.
And we can heat up without blowing up.
I'd say, considering the circumstances, we're all about as happy as we could be.
Oh, my wine.