The Goldbergs s07e13 Episode Script

1 ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, there wasn't a Hollywood awards show every week.
There was just one.
I loved it.
The Oscars.
Atta boy, Rain Man! Eighty-two toothpicks and one shiny statuette! Yes, Meryl.
Sophie might've had a tough choice, but the Academy sure didn't.
Robert De Niro! More like Robert my hero.
I agree.
You rocked me, Amadeus.
Who the hell are you talking to? ADULT ADAM: But as an aspiring filmmaker and son of Beverly Goldberg, there was another, lesser-known awards show I was forced to endure.
And now, the mom-ent we've all been waiting for, the Acade-mom Award for Best Picture.
I thought last year was the end of this, when I got my Lifetime Achieve-mom Award.
Your whining is why the ceremony always runs over.
(CLEARS THROAT) And the Mom-inees are Inspector Fudge, a parody, directed by Adam Goldberg.
We all knew he was gonna find the fudge.
It's in his name! The Partially Dressed Gun, a parody of the parody The Naked Gun, directed by Adam F.
Goldberg.
I didn't care for that one.
'Cause you never saw the source material! Adam and Chad Throw Pies at the Garage, directed by Adam F.
Goldberg.
That one, at least I understood.
And the Mommy goes to I'm nervous for you, kid.
Adam and Chad Throw Pies at the Garage, directed by Adam F.
Goldberg! (LAUGHS) Get on up here, Adam! It's a sweep! Ah, fine.
Thank you for recognizing a video I made to kill three hours over Labor Day weekend.
Is there anyone you'd like to thank? Uh Thank you to Mrs.
Kremp for letting us throw pies at her garage.
- And? - Thank you to my father for buying me blank tapes to film on.
And? Anyone who inspired you? All the other filmmakers who came before me.
(CHUCKLES) Surely, there is someone who always believed in you and gave you life.
- Just say the words, Adam.
- Fine.
I'd also like to thank my mother.
Oh! W-What? Oh, my God! That's my son! I made him, so I deserve this.
Um, my heart is racing right now.
I promised I wouldn't cry, but, uh You like me! You really like me! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day ADULT ADAM: It was January 29th, 1980-something.
Barry and his friends were in their first adult apartment.
Unfortunately, they weren't adult enough to pay their bills.
- JTP.
- ALL: JTP.
Guys, I am so cold.
I don't think I can make it another night here.
Also, have you guys noticed there's no water coming out of the faucet? Hilarious.
We're lovable screw-ups you can't help rooting for.
Eh, I don't think anyone would root for us if they saw our bathroom.
It is rough sledding in there.
I don't go in there anymore.
I signed up for a water aerobics class at the Y so I can get my body in water once a week.
- Smart.
- And I use the Wawa bathroom down the street.
I don't want to be this guy, but I'm worried about us.
Silence, un-silent Matt Bradley! I have an idea for how to solve all our problems.
Why am I looking at toweled morons? Because our water's out, so I told everyone they could use our free-flowing suburban water.
Well, here's the deal Get out! (GROANS) I knew this would happen.
And yet you made us bike across town in the snow in only robes and towels? To our frozen bikes.
I have another surefire iffy idea.
Guess who's auditing Art History.
It's me.
Good for you, babe.
I didn't know you liked art history.
Me neither, but I was aimlessly wandering the campus, as I like to do on Mondays and Fridays and the other three weekdays, and I passed this lecture hall - And you got drawn in? - You're ahead of the story, but yes.
Now the story's caught up to you.
Well, I'm very happy for you.
What the hell, JTP? You're supposed to knock so we can not answer.
- We need your shower.
- And your soap.
And your strawberry-scented conditioner.
And a lift home.
I cannot ride that ice bike anymore.
No, no, and no, dorks.
Why don't you guys shower at your place? Because, Obvious Geoffrey, the city stopped sending us water.
Did you try calling so they'll resume service? No, but in fairness, there was no way to know my more impractical ideas wouldn't work.
Geoff, we need your sick managerial skills.
Well, too bad, dips.
My worldly fella is too busy auditing Art History.
- Auditing? Like, not for credit? - Then why do it? Because it's totally inspiring to expand my horizons through the pursuit of knowledge.
Since he can't come up with a reason, Geoff's gonna focus on something that actually does matter Our deeply concerning living situation.
Like Geoff's actually gonna What the hell, dude? - I have time to help a little.
- Smart choice, Geoff.
Now grab some rubber gloves, knee pads, sneakers you don't care about, and a plunger.
First task is more toilet-related than not.
ADULT ADAM: While the JTP was finally getting some help, the AV Club was about to get some very exciting news.
Listen up, AV scrubs.
Every club has to have a faculty advisor.
Due to me losing 12 consecutive rounds of rock-paper-scissors, I'm yours.
Anyway, as I tend to see things through a sports lens, I've decided that we're gonna have a school-wide movie championship.
You mean like a film festival? I've been begging for one for years.
Count Johnny Atkins in.
Johnny Atkins? Since when are you in the AV Club? Since they found asbestos in the detention room.
Heh! (COUGHS) Question, Coach Advisor.
Is there a format restriction? 8 millimeter? 16 millimeter? Super 8? Super 16? Super annoying question! Make a movie! Dealer's choice on the format.
Nice.
Just know I like movies about sports, war, and lost dogs finding their way home.
Looks like Banjo's Christmas Journey just got greenlit.
What can we expect from our big-time director over here? My development slate for next year is pretty full, but I can fast-track a festival darling.
He's totally insufferable.
That's how you know he's the best.
Although, I might take a quick do-si-do outside my comfort zone.
I'll be working in the new Super VHS.
But you'll need to buy a new camera.
Silly Emmy.
I'm what you call completely spoiled.
ADULT ADAM: Yep, my mom was always there when I needed or wanted something, and fortunately, we had a shorthand.
- Hey, Mama - From your tone, I can tell you're gonna need more fancy and expensive camera equipment.
From your tone, I'm getting that you'll happily pay for it.
- See, there's - A film festival at school? How exciting! And I know Deep in your heart that I'm gonna win because I'm, by far The most talented boy in the world? Yes! - Here.
I'll give you a - Blank check so I can Go to the camera store and get Whatever I need, no questions asked, because you Love and believe in you like No mom has ever loved and believed in her son.
- Thanks - Mama.
You're Welcome, my sweet forever-baby.
Dude, a real relationship's gonna be very hard for you one day.
Oh, he already has a real relationship.
With me.
(CHUCKLES) We had a ceremony and everything when he was four.
Take this to the camera store and spend hard.
ADULT ADAM: While I was on my way to get some new equipment, the JTP had found someone equipped to help.
Okay, so, I spent the morning making some repairs.
I snaked the toilet There was a snake stuck in there? - Ohh! - ROB: Awesome! What a tale of survival.
Nature is amazing.
Not an actual snake.
And moving on.
I patched the walls, set up a house account, and paid your bills.
Now all that's left for you guys to do is call the gas company and set up an appointment for them to turn it back on.
Or you do it and we'll watch so we'll know how to do it next time.
I can't guarantee I'm gonna watch.
I-It's a big hassle, and there's often a lot of time on hold, so That's no way to sell us on doing it, bro.
Geoffrey, as a "thank you" for the tasks you've done and the many that remain, I'm gonna cede my title as house manager to you.
No The house manager should be someone who actually lives in the house.
And plus, I'm pretty busy now.
It's just, I fear it won't get done and Andy's little body won't survive the winter.
(COUGHS) Okay, fine! I'll be your house manager! Atta boy! And take it from me, it's a pretty cushy position.
The other guys give you hundreds of dollars every month.
Actually, Bar, that's for rent.
Oh.
That makes more sense.
Too bad the taxidermist said no refunds or exchanges.
You said you found them! No.
I said I posed them.
- This is gonna be a nightmare.
- Yeah, it is.
Slap me some paw.
ADULT ADAM: While Geoff was realizing he was a pleaser, I was beyond pleased to be shopping for cutting-edge film technology, the S-VHS camera.
Oh, my God.
It's glorious.
Totally.
But why, exactly? According to people in the know, it's slightly better.
You'll be paying so much for so little.
I need it and don't care what it costs my parents.
Excuse me? Sir? Could you show me this bad mamma-jamma? Be prepared to have your world nudged.
ADULT ADAM: It was my former rival, the other Adam Goldberg! It's you! Adam Goldberg! I heard you went to Hollywood.
Technically, I was living in a town called Duarte, but yeah, I chased my dreams.
Word on the street is you had a line on The Love Boat.
Yep.
"Which one of you ladies ordered the white wine?" Also booked a rad McDLT spot, but Whatever.
You were the dude who suggests they keep the hot side hot and the cool side cool.
So, what are you doing back here? Reevaluating.
It's rough out there, man.
My McDLT spot was seven months ago.
Since then, I haven't exactly been on the hot side of the burger box.
But you're crazy talented.
I had big dreams, but the streets of Hollywood are littered with guys like me.
And actual litter.
Place is filthy.
No offense, but I'll probably make it, right? You may be the best filmmaker in your dinky school, but you'd be a dime a dozen out there.
Goldberg! Stop crushing customers' dreams and get on that rickety ladder and pull down one of the heavy TVs.
Enjoy making your little high school movie, kid.
It's only downhill from here.
Did you buy your recklessly expensive camera, Schmoo? Actually, I've decided to give up filmmaking forever.
What? But that's your life's ambition.
Eh.
Maybe I'll be a lawyer.
Or a CPA.
I don't know Bricklayer.
- Is that a real thing? - Manual labor? Look at me.
Look at me.
- Who did this to you? - Nobody did anything.
I just bumped into the other Adam Goldberg working at the camera place.
Oh, feh on him! What does he know? Only everything.
He was the most talented person to ever go to our school, and now he's back here, selling cameras.
If he can't do it, I never will.
Here's your check back, Mom.
- This isn't over, is it? - Nope.
You're gonna go destroy that poor other Adam Goldberg, aren't you? Damn right I am.
Why do I bother asking? I know all the answers.
ADULT ADAM: After realizing he was too much of a pleaser, Geoff sought help from the one person who never pleased anyone at all.
Why are you in front of the TV, Schwartz? It's a quarter to Remington Steele.
Mr.
G, I-I'm worried I'm a pleaser.
Well, you're not pleasing me right now.
Everyone always wants me to do stuff for them, and I don't know how to say no.
Y-You never do anything for anyone.
It's easy.
Lump.
As in just sit there and never move? Definitely.
But also L-U-M-P.
It's my secret for not doing anything for anyone.
You're a lazy monster, and that's what I need.
Please, let me learn at your idle feet.
Okay, first up is L.
Lower expectations.
It's something I've perfected over time.
Dad, can you quiz me with these science flash cards? Ah, who am I kidding? In all my years, you've never shown interest in my education.
He thinks you're a worthless dad.
That took a lot of not doing.
Next up is U.
When there's no way out of something, underwhelm.
This is how you wash a dish? Okay, no more washing dishes for you! You did a horrible job, and now she'll never ask you again.
I'm the worst.
Next up is M, which stands for "mumble" and "moron.
" Hey, Dad, can you show me how to change the oil in my car? - (MUMBLING) - What does that even mean? - Leave me alone, ya moron! - Pbht! So brilliant! So, what's P? It's the thing I'm most proud of.
- Pants.
- Pants? Why do you think I come in the house and take off my pants? I assumed it had to do with comfort and generally just giving up.
Yes, but also, who's the least likely person to be asked to do anything? Oh, my God.
The guy with no pants.
Hey, Mur, could you give me a ride to the pharmacy Oh, he's not even wearing pants.
I'll bus it.
My God.
You have given me such a gift! It's my life's work.
Don't waste it.
Get out there and do as little as you can.
I'm gonna do nothing and make you proud.
ADULT ADAM: With my dad's advice, Geoff was ready to be a lump of his own.
Hey, Geoff, could you run to the mailroom and get my mail for me? He lowered expectations.
Erica, when have I ever done stuff like that for you? Only all the time.
Yeah, well, not in the last two minutes, so stop expecting it.
He underwhelmed.
Geoff, you said you were going to make a chore wheel for our house.
Oh, right, right.
Here you go.
Yeah, this seems less like a chore wheel and more like a napkin withthe words "Andy" and "mop.
" That's how Geoff do? Unacceptable, Geoff! Your chore-wheel-making privileges are revoked.
And you need to come over.
Our clean-up skills are not strong.
I spilled a lot of Kool-Aid.
Whatever you picture a lot is, like, way more.
He mumbled and he moron-ed.
- (MUMBLES) - What? And also leave me alone, morons! Super un-Geoff of you, man.
Are you going to get my mail or not? Finally, it was time for the pants.
Oh.
It's about time he's swinging into action.
(ZIPPER OPENS) - BARRY: What? - ANDY: No! - Bad Geoff! - He's not wearing pants.
Dude's clearly not going anywhere.
Okay, let's go, guys.
Maybe there's a panted savior that can help us.
Holy crap.
My pants are on the floor, and my spirits are through the roof.
While Geoff was trying to be like my dad, my mom was busy being Well, like my mom.
Can I answer any questions for you, ma'am? Oh, just one.
Uh, who the (BLEEP) do you think you are? Whoa! This is a family-friendly audio-video store.
Except for that section over behind the saloon doors.
You spoke to my son, also Adam Goldberg, and snuffed out his perfect little-boy dreams.
Look, lady, I just call 'em like I see 'em.
It's tough to make it in the movies.
Oh, for you, maybe.
(CHUCKLES) But not for my little Stanley Schmoo-brick.
Well, that gives me a sense of what I'm dealing with here.
Next time, I won't burst the little bubble you keep him in.
No next time.
This time.
You are gonna fix this.
- And how am I gonna do that? - Simple.
I'm casting you in the role of a lifetime, as "guy who gets his big break.
" Sorry, but I kinda put acting on hold.
Well, take it off hold.
The pay's $50.
Well, I suppose I could throw in, uh, me not coming down here every day and making your life miserable.
All right, I'm on the project.
ADULT ADAM: Now that my mom had her cast, all that remained was the performance.
Hello and welcome.
Hey, Adam, did you leave this Philadelphia Inquirer Metro section at the store the other day? - Nope.
Sorry.
- Huh.
Well, I better figure out whose it is soon, 'cause I gotta catch a flight to Hollywood, California, moviemaking capital of the world.
But I thought you were reevaluating your career choice.
I was, but then I got some amazing news.
See, my, uh, ex-roommate's cousin's neighbor is friends with Brian De Palma's agent's assistant, and slipped him my McDLT commercial.
Ooh.
Seriously? But, wait, there's more.
I'd imagine.
The assistant got it to the agent, who got it to De Palma, who liked what he saw and cast me in his new Molly Ringwald picture.
Holy balls! America's angsty ginger princess! And I bet that could lead to other things.
No truer words have ever been spoken.
Well, good luck on one of the easiest careers you could ever choose.
And, uh, call me.
We'll split a salad at Spago.
Doesn't sound like enough food, but I'm in! (BEVERLY GASPS) Oh, wow! I mean, just, wow.
If something so random and amazing could happen to him, I bet there's hope for you, too, huh? You know it! I'm back in the festival.
See ya, babe.
Have your people call my people.
ADULT ADAM: While my movie dreams were back on track, the JTP was trying to keep the train from derailing without Geoff.
So cold! Whose turn is it to sweep? I don't know, but according to Geoff's chore napkin, it's Andy's turn to mop again.
Come on! I'm never not mopping! Get me the phone.
I'm calling Geoff.
Sorry, Tasty, but our phone's out, too.
Oh, no! It's getting harder and harder to root for us.
(METAL BANGS, WATER RUSHING) Uh, did anyone else hear what sounds like the bursting of old metal followed by rushing water? - Oh, no! - Oh, no! ADULT ADAM: Geoff had sent a clear message that he was no longer helping anyone, but that message hadn't gotten through.
In Egypt, a great deal of art was created - to honor the pharaoh.
- (WHISPERING) Psst! Geoff! Did you buy peanut butter? What? I'm in class.
Yeah, but just, like, a quick yes or no, 'cause I'm walking past the Wawa and I got chunky on the mind.
- Yes.
- Okay, great.
Wait, yes, you bought it or yes, we need it? Yes, we have stupid peanut butter! (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Don't mind me.
Just a PB emergency.
Go back to your super important art talk.
Geoffrey Antoinette Schwartz! - Oh, God.
- Dumbwads, he is in class! Your stupid thing can wait.
What kind of jam do I like? ANDY: Yeah, but it's super urgent.
There's water everywhere, and we don't know what to do! And you are the house manager.
Oh, my God! Enough! I am so sorry, Professor.
My girlfriend and friends can't stop taking advantage of me.
We're not taking advantage of you.
You just are really good at doing things.
No! You're all just too lazy and selfish to do anything on your own! And it was bad enough when I had nothing going on, but now I found something I actually like, and you ruined it for me, so thanks a lot.
Pfft.
- Antoinette? - That sounds wrong, bro.
Now that I say it out loud, it might be Todd.
ADULT ADAM: While Geoff had finally reached his breaking point, I was back in pursuit of my big break.
One brand-new S-VHS camera, please.
Wait.
I thought you went back to L.
A.
Yeah, that's, uh That's next week.
So, you gonna quit this job? - What? You're quitting, Goldberg? - No! But how can you have a Hollywood career and still work here? I'll commute to both things.
I mean, the studio has a jet.
It's in my deal I can still sell cameras and whatnot.
That makes no sense.
What's going on? Well You paid him to lie to me? Here's the truth Absolutely not.
Just tell the boy.
Here's the truth 100% yes.
What the hell, lady? You stopped believing in yourself.
I had to do something.
Don't you get it? If he can't make it in Hollywood, I don't have a prayer.
And no lies are gonna change that.
I'm done.
(SIGHS) ADULT ADAM: I had given up on filmmaking for good and dropped out of the festival, which is probably why this happened.
Looks like we got a new movie champ.
You left it all on the screen, Atkins.
Ha! Looks like I'm the school movie nerd now, Goldnerd.
Oh, no.
I'm a nerd.
The ultimate twist.
And that concludes the last annual WPA Movie Championship.
Actually I have one more entrant.
Oh, no! No way! You've done enough! Sorry, clock ran out.
That's what next season's for.
Oh, I don't care.
The dumb festival can be over.
This is just for my son.
May I? Do what you gotta do.
ADULT ADAM: In that moment, my mom did something I never could have imagined.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) Stop videotaping! ADULT ADAM: She gave me a highlight reel of every movie I'd ever made.
That's the end of you, Optimus! I literally cannot die! - Bow before Princess Leia! - Never! - Death grip! - (CHOKING) I'm your father! (VOICE BREAKING) No.
That's not true! ADULT ADAM: Maybe they weren't all award-winners, but thanks to her, I realized making movies wasn't about succeeding in Hollywood.
It was about creating something special with the people I loved.
And if I could do that for the rest of my life, I'd be living the dream.
No! This is amazing.
It's all you.
Schmoo, I'm sorry I shielded you from the truth.
These movies remind me that you are joyful and creative and one of a kind.
And if you never give up I just know you're gonna make it.
(COREY HART'S NEVER SURRENDER PLAYS) ADULT ADAM: Just then, I realized there are worse things in the world than someone who thinks you're the best.
What's going on? I got your message about an emergency.
- It's a friend emergency.
- And boyfriend.
Oh, my God.
Did someone break in here and clean the place? No.
You were right.
We were being lazy and selfish.
Look.
Chore wheel.
Also, we realized we've been pretty rotten to you, and we want to make it right.
A Penn college course guide? We know how much you loved auditing that class.
- You should do more of it.
- Yeah.
You've always been there to support us.
Now it's time for us to support you for a change.
Guys, thanks.
This is amazing.
No, Geoff.
You're amazing.
ADULT ADAM: Sometimes, we end up taking advantage of the people we love, or even people we barely know.
Hey.
Come to cast me in more of your family drama? I'm actually here to say thank you.
For what? I was looking at it all wrong.
I let your story intimidate me when I should've been inspired by it.
You're proof that guys like us from dinky Jenkintown can make it.
I'd hardly say I made it.
But you're gonna.
With your skills? You were pretty convincing as "guy who just got a big break.
" Did you notice that thing where I shook my head like I still couldn't believe it? I believed that you couldn't believe it.
You know what? Maybe I will give it another shot.
You better.
And who knows? Maybe Hollywood's big enough for two Adam Goldbergs.
To never surrender ADULT ADAM: But no matter how far over the line we go, the people we care about will always welcome us back.
So, what are you thinking? Well, this year, I followed the Dead, I started a failed business, and I did a whole lot of nothing.
I think it's time I actually apply to college.
For real? For real.
ADULT ADAM: And whether it's the big moments of our lives or just the decisions that lead to those moments, as long as you have people who love and support you, there's a good change your dreams will come true.
To never surrender To never surrender BOTH ADAMS: But this would be the start of more.
A lot more.
It was a phone call for me.
The first phone call all summer, because phones were new.
Okay, today, I'm gonna walk you through my process with a little director's commentary.
JOHNNY: I'm Banjo the Dog.
Arf! And I've gotta find my way home before Christmas! Here's an interesting tidbit That's my voice, not a dog's.
Movie magic.
Am I right? These woods look familiar.
I think I'm getting closer to home.
(JOHNNY BARKS) Keep going, Banjo! You're almost there! I made it! That was ruff! (CHUCKLES) Fun fact Banjo's real name is Jimbo.
(CHUCKLES)