The Neighborhood (2018) s07e13 Episode Script

1
Okay, Calvin, before we go in,
let's make sure we have
our story straight.
What story?
We went to a sleazy casino
on the state line
where your dad was
laundering stolen money,
and now he's in jail.
- End of story.
- Okay.
Calvin, my dad apologized
for getting us involved,
and he did take the fall.
He didn't take the fall.
He did the crime. He is the fall.
Hold on.
Calvin, wait. Hold on.
No, Cal
I need your advice on what
to do with my dad's money.
I'm not giving you advice, Dave.
Okay, now, he did steal
the money, which is bad,
but he stole the money from
bad people, which is good.
Also, he put the money in
an educational savings account
for Grover, so, I mean,
two goods outweigh one bad, right?
David, I almost got hemmed up
by your dad and his foolishness once.
I am not in it.
So you think I should give it back?
I think that I'm never talking
about this again.
I will move, Dave.
Well, you've threatened that before.
I'll just follow you.
- Okay. (LAUGHS)
- One more.
- (LAUGHING) All right, you go. Go, go.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Okay. All right.
- COURTNEY: Okay.
- MARTY: You better go, girl.
You better go.
(LAUGHING): Okay.
(VOCALIZING)
(SCREAMS)
Uh
Dad. Good evening.
Well, it certainly seems to
be a good evening for you.
(LAUGHS) Aw, that?
No, uh That, uh, Courtney had a
eyelash on her lip, and I was
just helping her get it off.
- With your tongue?
- No, I-I had to,
I had to blow it like
(BLOWS) like
(STAMMERS) No, Dad, wait, wait,
please, please, please.
Don't say anything to Mom.
Courtney and I are in
a really delicate place,
and we're not sure where it's going.
Nope, no need to explain.
All right? I'm not in it.
Okay. (LAUGHS)
Ow!
Ow!
(GRUNTS)
Wow.
You can tell that boy
ain't got none in a minute.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
Oh, Dave, I'm so sorry.
Yeah. It's bad. (SIGHS)
You just got your dad
back in your life,
and now, you're losing him again.
You poor, poor man. (SIGHS)
Thanks, honey.
So
I hate to even bring this up, but
Are we gonna keep the money?
Are we?
I want to so bad.
Oh, not as bad as I do.
- Oh, I love you.
- I love you more.
Um, but what do we tell Grover?
Okay. All right. Uh You know,
I think we have to tell him the truth.
You know, if we're morally comfortable
with what we're doing, well,
we should be able
to explain that to him.
Totally agree in theory but
I think the healthier thing to do
for the child is
to put a little spin on it
till he's old enough to
understand the-the-the nuance.
- So, we'll lie.
- I love you so much.
I love you.
- Hey, break yourself, fool.
- Oh, God!
Chili Mangold.
You fall for that every time, burrito.
Uh, yup. And you do it every time.
What are you doing here, man?
What, I can't stop by to see
- my old college roommate for no reason?
- No.
You are here because
you want something
or you want to rub my face
in something.
Really, Malcolm?
You think I would drive
all the way up here
just to tell you I'm Mountain
West baseball coach of the year?
- You already know that.
- (LAUGHS)
Yes, I do.
(LAUGHS)
Whose Corvette is that?
You know whose Corvette that is, baby.
- That's Chili Mangold's Corvette.
- (LAUGHING) Chili.
All right. What's up, Chili?
Hey, still doing that
third person thing, I see.
Hey, it's just Chili
being Chili, baby.
Good to see you, man.
It's been too long.
- Come on, you got to do it for me.
- No, no, no, no.
- Chili. Come on, Chili.
- I'm not really feeling it. No.
Come on. No. Chili,
you got to hit the Wiggle.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Yeah. You got to hit
the Wiggle. (LAUGHS)
There it is, baby.
Wow.
I don't know what this is,
but I want in.
- Dave, stop.
- Uh-uh. Dave
- David, you Yo, Dave.
- MALCOLM: Dave, stop.
Chili thinks this guy's got
that magic in his hips.
DAVE: Ha.
All right, yeah.
Who's, uh, who's Chili?
He's Chili. Chili calls himself Chili.
Oh, well, Dave thinks that is so cool.
Look, I got to bounce.
I'm scouting a catcher
at John Muir High,
but, Malcolm, we got
to catch up, okay?
Yeah, sure, sure. Um,
we should get dinner sometime.
Hey, well, no time like the present.
Yeah, but-but-but-but,
you know, I got this thing
- that I got to do.
- CALVIN: Oh, come on, man.
Forget your thing.
How often is Chili in town?
(LAUGHS)
You're coming over for dinner tonight.
Hey, Chili could wiggle that
into his schedule, baby.
(LAUGHING)
His charm is infectious.
How can you not love that guy?
How much time you got?
- Good morning, Miss Tina.
- Hey.
I'm just here to get
Daphne's toys from last night.
Okay.
Beautiful day, huh?
It's 50 degrees and overcast.
That's earthquake weather.
Well, it's been a while since
we had a good shake-up, right?
When those tectonic plates
build up all that pressure,
something's got to give.
Well, it's, um,
nice to see you in such a good mood.
You've been so stressed out lately.
You've been wearing
your shoulders like earrings.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Oh, I guess I have been
a little on edge, but, hey,
it's amazing what a good
night's sleep will do.
Mm-hmm.
- Morning.
- Good morning, Mr. B.
I love that color on you.
You two have a splendid day. (LAUGHS)
Thank you. I-I think I will.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
That girl's gone out and got her some.
What? What would make you say that?
Because I'm a woman, Calvin.
I know what the afterglow looks like.
Can't the girl just be glowing?
Uh-uh. Not like that.
You heard her say "splendid."
You know the last time
I said "splendid"?
You and I were naked
in that waterfall in Ocho Rios.
Ah.
It was pretty splendid. (LAUGHS)
Ooh, poor Marty. I wonder if he knows.
I think he still has feelings for her.
Okay, Tina, I'm not in it,
and you're not in it,
so let's stay out of it.
You know there's no chance of that.
Hey.
Uh, is-is Grandpa here?
No. Uh, see, Grandpa
stayed in-in Nevada.
He loves the desert, and he's
thinking about living out there.
Yeah, in a, in a planned community.
Uh, why is his car outside?
(LAUGHING):
Look at you, noticing things.
Yeah, uh, well, you see, Grover,
uh, Lady Luck shined
upon your grandpa,
and he hit the jackpot in a casino,
so he bought a new car.
Oh, that's awesome. What-what
kind of car did he get?
A Chevy
- G T R
- That's enough letters.
But don't worry,
he won't be gone forever.
Okay, um, maybe I'll text him.
Oh, no, no, no. Don't do that.
No. Um
All right. Are-are-are you two okay?
- Yeah, we're fine. You okay?
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay. Go do your thing.
(SIGHS) That was close.
This is the day he turns
into frickin' Columbo?
Calvin.
What, Dave?
I think Grover's onto us.
He is asking a lot
of questions about
what happened to his grandpa.
First of all, there is no "us."
Your son, your dad, your business.
No, no, no. It is all of our business.
If we tell Grover
the truth about the money,
he is going to be an accomplice,
just like you and me.
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You have me confused
with someone who's in it.
But you agree that we should keep it.
I mean, it's like you always say,
"When it comes to money,
it's not where it's from,
it's where it's at."
I don't always say that.
Yeah. (SCOFFS) But you're right.
I don't think I've ever said that.
Okay.
Calvin, the important thing
to remember is this:
if Grover asks you anything,
my father is living in a planned
community in the desert,
you don't know his
new phone number, and
he has a new car, a Chevy GTR.
Chevy does not make a GT
O-Okay. Okay.
I see what you're doing.
I am not in it.
And we're not talking
about this again. Great.
It's like you always say,
"Tight lips, tighter hips."
I have literally never said that.
Oh, hey, Marty.
Oh, hey, Mama.
So
Courtney seems well.
Oh, she does.
Very well.
Good for her.
You know, has anything
changed in her social situation?
Okay, okay, okay.
I did not want to get involved.
I just don't want to see you hurt.
Well, I just saw her, and I can tell.
She's seeing someone.
She seems
very, very, very, very happy.
Really?
But, baby, you do not have to be brave
- in front of me, okay?
- Okay.
- Let the hurt out. Come on, come on.
- Oh.
- Come on. Give Mommy some.
- Oh.
Oh, my poor baby.
So what is your deal
with this Chili guy?
You don't like him, but
you invite him over for dinner?
No, Courtney. I did not invite him.
What I said was,
"We should get dinner,"
which everyone knows means
we should never get dinner.
I mean, yeah,
what's not clear about that?
It's like when me
and you go out to eat,
and I say "We should
split the check." (CHUCKLES)
You know I ain't paying.
Well, exactly, but everyone
doesn't fawn all over you.
Chili gets away with murder
because he's charming
and he's
he's got this inspiring story
of coming over to America
when he was a child
by stowing away on a fishing boat.
Damn, Malcolm.
Don't make a thug cry.
Okay. Okay, fine, so he's got
a heartwarming story.
So that means I'm just
supposed to overlook
all the foul stuff he's done to me?
All the times I covered for his ass?
And yet, he's the one that
gets blessed with everything.
Yeah, that's true. And he's
always doing better than you.
(SCOFFS)
- Hey, everybody. Oh.
- Hey.
Malcolm, Mom wants you
to go to Bristol Farms
and get that French sour cream
for the baked potatoes.
(LAUGHS) Of course, because
Heaven forbid the great Chili Mangold
eats domestic sour cream.
(LAUGHS) Meanwhile,
your mom gives me a cold
Pop-Tart and calls it breakfast.
She wrong for that.
Man, you love Pop-Tarts.
Yeah, the ones with frosting,
and she knows that.
Oh, she is sound asleep. Courtney,
we have a problem.
My mom knows that
you've been pleasured.
Excuse me?
Sexually. Apparently,
it is all over you.
I shouldn't have gone over there.
What was I thinking?
That lady can see right through me.
She knew I was pregnant before I did.
Calm down.
I mean, we did a thing,
but we don't even know
if we are a thing.
And now, she's gonna
make it a huge thing.
No, no, no, no. The good news is,
she doesn't know
that you hooked up with me.
All she knows is that
it was with someone
who is great at sex.
Get over yourself.
I'm just saying, we just got to
keep it cool for dinner tonight.
I know it might be hard,
but could you just try
not to act like you didn't get
your world completely rocked.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
Chili Sauce. Hey, man. You know what?
Out of all of Malcolm's friends,
you're my favorite.
- Oh.
- Hands down.
I'm standing right here.
I said what I said, Trey.
TINA: So, Chili,
so good to have you.
Um, so tell me,
what is Shohei Ohtani like?
MALCOLM: (LAUGHS) Mama.
Chili played two seasons
with the Mariners ten years ago.
He does not know Shohei.
- Oh
- Actually, I do.
I also played a few seasons in Tokyo.
TINA: Really? Even
picked up a little Japanese.
Oh. Domo arigato.
(SPEAKS JAPANESE)
(LAUGHING) Hell yeah. Hell yeah.
Hey.
Oh, uh, Gemma, Grover, meet Chili.
(GASPS) Oh, Dave's been doing
your wiggle all day.
Oh, he is quite the dancer.
He's (LAUGHS) Sure.
Wait, so so my dad
said you were a mariner?
Yeah, that's right.
Ah, that's so cool.
- What kind of boat did you have?
- Oh.
Excuse me?
He's not into sports so much.
- Uh, was it a schooner?
- Oh.
Um
Marty, are-are you using
a new sort of facial scrub?
No, why?
'Cause you are glowing.
You're getting it from somewhere.
(YELPS) What are you doing? Get away.
Get away.
What?
Dave just told me I was glowing.
Well, I guess you've been
pleasured sexually, too. (LAUGHING)
It's all over you.
Okay, okay, all right.
I'm establishing
a 15-foot perimeter.
Do not violate it.
Radius or diameter?
You know damn well I meant diameter.
Ooh, ooh, Calvin. Calvin. Quick word.
What?
I know Dave's kept you in the loop
on our little money situation.
Uh, yeah, and I'm trying
to stay out of the loop.
I know, I know. I just,
I want to reiterate
how important it is that you
don't say a word to Grover.
Right. Right, right, right, right.
You-you know what?
I'm glad you reminded me
because Grover and I were going
bar-hopping tonight,
and, um, after a couple of longnecks,
who knows what I might say?
Okay. You know.
Hey, Calvin, remember
we went to see Malcolm and Chili
play against UCLA, and Chili
hit that walk-off homer?
- Oh, my God.
- CALVIN: Oh, yeah.
That's when he did
the dance at the plate.
They showed it on TV and everything.
Yup, yup. The Chili Wiggle.
- Oh, that wiggle?
- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Come on, Malcolm, Wiggle with us.
No, no, no, no. Stop it. Stop it.
Dave, for the love of God.
There is no Chili Wiggle, okay?
It's the Malcolm Wiggle.
It was my thing.
I used to do it in the dugout,
and then Chili did it on ESPNU,
and suddenly, it's his thing.
Y'all just don't get it.
He didn't just take my dance.
One time, he was about
to flunk out of school,
and he stole my term paper
and put his name on it.
Yeah, but y'all think
he walks on water,
but it's not true. I had
to bail him out constantly.
No, it's true. It's true.
One time, I took a credit card
out in Malcolm's name,
and we still owe Circuit City
$180 bucks.
(CALVIN AND CHILI LAUGH)
That's not funny, Pop.
He's right, it's not, amigo.
And that's just one of the many
times I screwed over my friend.
You see? Finally, the truth comes out.
- Yes. And the truth is
- Mm.
I'm an alcoholic.
There you go. (LAUGHING)
Malcolm Wiggle.
Do the Malcolm.
You say what now?
That's the reason I'm here.
I'm in a 12-step program,
and I came to make
amends with Malcolm.
I'm sorry, brother.
- CALVIN: Aw. Aw, Chili.
- CHILI: For everything.
So brave. I mean, it's tough, man.
- You know, drinking is
- Y'all have got to be kidding me.
So you're not here
for a scouting trip?
No. Don't be crazy. I got people
that do that for me.
It's just, it's so great
to unburden, yes?
If there's one thing I've learned
from my sponsor,
Robert Downey Jr., it's
Uh, okay, wow. (LAUGHS)
Isn't that supposed to be anonymous?
You're right. RDJ taught me
the best part about being sober is
- you can finally stop with all the lies.
- Mm.
The lies we tell other people.
The lies we tell ourselves.
OTHERS: Wow.
Chili, would you eat a
Pop-Tart without frosting?
- No, I don't think I would, amigo.
- Yeah.
You hear that, Dave? Gemma?
The lies you tell yourselves.
What lies?
(SIGHS) Okay, fine.
Grover, we should talk.
We have some bad news about Grandpa.
Is-is he dead?
Oh. No. Actually, we have
some good news, then. Come on.
TINA: Calvin.
Um
I just cannot stand
seeing Marty like this.
Like what?
Well, he's so upset,
he can't even be near Courtney.
I think it's messed up for her
to hang around here
and play with Marty's emotions.
I'm gonna tell her.
No, no, don't, don't,
don't, don't, don't.
Look, I tried to stay out of it,
but it looks like I got
to be all up in it.
Okay. What?
All right, now, Tina,
what I'm about to tell you
- stays between us.
- Okay.
But you were right,
Courtney is getting some.
I knew it.
From Marty.
God is so good.
Oh. (LAUGHS) Oh, okay, all right,
all right, okay, put your arms down.
Now, Marty and Courtney
will tell everybody
when they are ready.
- Okay, okay, I got it.
- Okay.
I know how to be cool, you know.
So (SCREAMS)
(LAUGHS) So good to see y'all
here tonight, together.
- You know, for Chili. (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
- Well, y'all enjoy, okay? Have fun.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- (LAUGHING)
Yeah
BOTH: She knows.
Dad, I can't believe you told Mom.
Look, she's your mother,
but she's my wife.
And you're not the only
one that wants that glow.
So it's okay to steal?
- See, that's the great thing. We didn't steal.
- DAVE: Mm-mm.
We just accepted money
that was stolen.
Stolen from bad people.
And wouldn't giving it back to them
be worse than keeping it ourselves?
Plus, they're all dead.
I should've mentioned that part.
I mean, we're not gonna give
money back to dead bad guys.
- That'd be silly.
- Yeah.
The point is, is that money
is gonna pay for your education.
And you're gonna
clean that dirty money
by doing something good with it.
Like, you know, going to college
and discovering a cure for a cancer.
Not all cancers, just one is plenty.
Or something environmental.
Like, fighting climate
change, that's a good one.
Wait, so
- Grandpa stole this money?
- DAVE: Mm-hmm.
And you guys took it
and because of that
I got to fix the whole world?
Good deal, right?
Man Life is so unfair.
sync & corrections by awaqeded