All In The Family s07e14 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days [SIGHS, THEN WHIMPERS.]
[WHIMPERS AGAIN.]
EDITH: That you, Gloria? (SINGSONG VOICE): Uh-huh, it's me.
I thought I heard you singin'.
How's Joey? Hope he didn't give you any trouble.
That little angel? Trouble? No.
He finished all of his cereal except for what he threw on me.
Thanks, Ma.
I really appreciate you taking care of him for me.
Oh, it's a pleasure! Now tell me.
What happened? How are you? What did Dr.
Shapiro say? He said I'm in excellent health.
Good.
My weight is good, my blood pressure's fine, my reflexes are sharp.
And it looks like I'm pregnant.
Good.
You're what?! Pregnant.
Gloria!! Oh, that's wonderful! Yeah, yay.
Hats and horns.
Oh, Gloria, oh, you're gonna have another baby! Ma, calm down.
Don't get so excited.
I mean, it's not for sure.
Dr.
Shapiro took some tests and he's gonna phone me with the results, but I got all the symptoms.
Oh, Gloria!! I'm gonna be a grandmother again! Oh! Oh!! Gloria!! Joey's gonna have a playmate.
Oh! Oh, Archie's gonna be so happy.
Oh, and Mike.
Oh, I can just see-- He ain't gonna like it at all.
I know exactly what he's gonna say to me.
[IMITATING MICHAEL.]
Gloria, I thought we agreed not to have any more children because we can't afford it.
Besides, what right do we have to bring another child into an overpopulated, underfed, polluted world?" Oh, Gloria, you sound just like him.
Oh, don't worry.
It'll be different this time.
Mike has had experience.
He knows what it's like to be a father.
Oh, Ma, I know what it's like to be a mother.
It's wonderful.
Yeah.
But Michael and I made an agreement.
Gloria, you ain't thinki'' of doin' what you talked about doin' before not having it? Oh, no, Ma.
That never even crossed my mind.
But Michael's gonna yell at me, and I can't yell back at him, because I know he's right.
But you ain't sure you know for sure that it's for sure.
So why don't you do what I do with Archie.
Bring him a beer? No! I don't tell him nothin' till I'm sure I know for sure it's for sure.
Then I bring him a beer.
I'm home; I'm hungry! Do I have time to make a sandwich before lunch? Ma, I don't feel like talkin' to him now.
Well, go on upstairs and lie down.
Things always look better when you're rested.
Ma, don't say anything to him.
I'll tell him later.
Not a word.
Go on.
Okay.
Oh, Ma.
Yeah? [WHIMPERS.]
Baby face [HUMS.]
Baby face Oohoh.
Moon river Hi, Mike.
Oh, hi, Ma.
Hey, come on, Ma.
You know I don't like to see you workin' like this.
I'm just helpin' out.
Ma, this is not your job.
It's not your house.
Where's Gloria? Gloria! She's upstairs lyin' down.
Gloria! She's upstairs? Hey, Gloria, come on down here.
Mike, Mike, don't bother her.
She had a hard day at the--ooh! "A hard day at the ooh"? Uhyeah.
Hey, come on, Ma.
You were gonna tell me somethin'.
Gloria had a hard day where? Nowhere.
Out.
Where out? Out out.
Ma, what is the big mystery? Where did Gloria go today? Well, she went out and then she came back, and then-- Oh! Here she is.
Hello, Michael.
I thought I heard you hollering.
Gloria, what is going on around here? Where'd you go today? I'm sorry, Gloria.
I spilled the cat out of the bag.
It's all right, Ma.
No, wait a second.
It's not all right.
What are you hidin' from me? Ah? It's not our anniversary.
Ah, it's my birthday comin' up next week.
That's it, isn't it? No, honey, and I'm not hiding anything from you.
I was just looking for the right time and the right words to tell you.
Gloria don't tell me that one of the people in this room is It's not me.
It's not me either, Ma.
Maybe it's me.
[SHRIEKS.]
Michael [CONTINUES SHRIEKING.]
Honey, don't go through the roof.
We better sit him down.
[WHIMPERING.]
Your hands are ice cold.
I better get him a glass of water.
What am I doing? He should be getting me the water.
I'm the one who's pregnant.
Oh, my God!! Honey, don't be upset! Oh, my God!! He ain't upset, are you, Mike? Oh, my God!! See, he ain't upset.
Look who's gonna be a father again.
You're gonna have another little bundle of joy.
Yeah, another baby.
Oh, my God! Ma, why don't you go upstairs and see if our little bundle of joy is still bundled up, huh? Yeah, sure.
Right away.
Don't worry, I won't tell nobody else, not even Joey.
[CRYING NOISES.]
Honey, honey, honey! Honey, now before we get into a big argument, I gotta tell you, I'm still waiting for a call from Dr.
Shapiro because I might not even be pregnant.
Gloria, I thought we made an agreement not to have another child after Joey.
We can't afford it.
Besides, what right do we have to bring BOTH: another child into this overcrowded, underfed, polluted world.
Yes! How could this happen?! The usual way.
Gloria, that's not what I mean.
Something like this is not supposed to happen unless you forgot to take your pill.
Did you? I didn't forget.
Then what? Well, all I can figure is you remember that party we went to about a month ago at Milt and Hilda's? Go on.
You remember me telling you on the way home that at the party, Trudy and I got in this big discussion about this article she read on The Pill and all its bad side effects.
You didn't take the pill! You didn't take the pill!! Michael, for one night.
I went right back on 'em the next day after I talked to Dr.
Shapiro.
Gloria, one night is all it takes! Why didn't you say something to me? I was half-asleep.
The half I was with was wide awake! Gloria, you knew.
You knew; you tricked me! Ow, gee! I didn't trick you! Why didn't you stick to your part of the agreement? I would've stuck to my part of the agreement if you would've stuck to your part of the bed! Gloria! Gloria, just because I want to show you my love, that doesn't mean that you have to go and get pregnant.
What do you mean, me? Ow! You think I can get pregnant all by myself? Ow!! I'm tired of being the one that has to take all of the precautions.
Ow!! Why don't you do something about it for a change? Because it doesn't work if I take the pill! There are other methods! [CHOKING SOUNDS.]
Gloria, you know that you hate male contraceptives as much as I do.
Now I know it's not fair for the woman to take all the precautions, but that's the way things are.
You were born with all the parts that need protection.
Yeah, because you were born with all the parts we need protection from! Let go of me! What the hell is going on here?! Now, I am sorry, but I have had it.
I have no more remembering to take the pill, no IUD's, no nothing.
From now on, it is up to you, buster.
Up to me?! Yeah.
If you're the one that's so gung-ho about not bringing any more children into this world, then do something about it.
Get a vasectomy! Ow!! That's it! That's enough! No more physical torture.
I'm not getting a vasectomy.
Hundreds of men get vasectomies every day right in the doctor's office.
It's as easy as one, two, three.
Snip, snip, snip.
[GROANS.]
Please!! Do you have to talk about it like that? You make it sound like a manicure.
It's a little bit more complicated than that.
Michael Kasamir Stivic, you're a hypocrite.
After all the preaching that you have done about food supplies and overpopulation, you don't even believe in vasectomies.
I believe in vasectomies! Sure you do-- for the Chinese and the Indians and the Pakistanis and the Africans, but not for yourself.
Gloria, if we had fourteen children and we were living on some sampan in the middle of Singapore Harbor, I would say, yes, I would get a vasectomy.
But somehow, here in the middle of Queens, it--it-- (WHIMPERS.]
I don't want a vasectomy.
My father's right about you.
You are a phony, bleeding heart liberal.
All right! All right! All right! That's it! That's what you want, you want a vasectomy, you got a vasectomy! I'm gonna call Dr.
Marx right now and make an appointment.
What am I doing? Really? Yes, really.
If surgery is the only way to prove my love to you, then so be it.
Gee, thanks, honey.
Yeah.
Yeah, hello, this is Michael Stivic.
I would like to make an appointment with Dr.
Marx to have a (MUFFLED.]
vasectomy.
[LOUDLY.]
Vasectomy! Oh! No, no, that's all right.
There's no rush.
Any time.
Next spring? That would be fine.
Could you make it fall-- Excuse me, honey.
Next spring is not fine.
What are you doin'? This is Mrs.
Stivic.
Gloria!! No, I'm not his mother.
I'm his wife.
Gimme the phone!! When is the soonest the doctor could see him? What--get-- You didn't tell me they had a cancellation today.
Today? Certainly we'll take it.
No, we won't! In an hour? An hour?! That will be fine.
That's not fine.
Yes, see you then.
No, we won't see you.
Hello! Hello! Damn it! Isn't that wonderful? Ehh You can have it done today and then we'll never have to worry about all this again.
Yeah, it's my lucky day.
Well, what are you sitting here for? Can't I rest a second? Honey, you don't have a second.
They need to see you within the hour.
I gotta go now? No, you don't have to go with me.
You want me to go with you? I'll be fine.
Oh, yes, I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself.
Wait a minute, what are you doing? What--what are you doing here? Why don't you pin a note to me while you're at it? Are you sure you don't want me to go with you? Because you look a little nervous.
I'm not nervous! I'm fine, honey! It's a simple operation! Snip, snip, snip! Ohh! Come on, you gotta hurry.
And Michael What? I want to thank you, and I love you.
Ohh! I love you too, honey! I just hope that after the operation I'll still be able to prove it.
Ohh.
good-bye! Hurry home! See you later! Hurry! You need to get going! Oh, my Mr.
Stivic, come on in.
Take off your jacket.
Right.
How ya doin'? Uh, where's the doctor? I'm Dr.
Dolby.
Uh, Dr.
Dolby? Yeah, call me Ted.
Ted.
Where's Dr.
Marx? He's at the hospital this week.
I'm his associate.
Oh.
Then you'll be performing the operation instead of him? Uh-huh.
Unless that makes you uptight.
No, no, I'm not uptight.
I guess it's just a sign that you're getting older when cops and doctors are smaller than you.
I mean younger than you.
Or something.
That's real heavy.
Heavy.
Heavy.
So, you want a vasectomy, huh? Yeah, that's me, vasectomy.
Uhyou took that course, huh? I teach it at NYU Medical School.
Why don't you just hop up here on the examination table? Right now? Yeah, right here.
You want me to hop right up here?? Yeah.
I'll just hop right over here.
We don't need this.
Yeah, we do! Oh, no.
[MUTTERING.]
Just roll up your sleeve for me.
Yeah, sure.
What's the matter, you nervous? No, no, not nervous.
I just, uh Yeah, I guess I am a little bit.
It's not every day you go under the knife.
Especially not that far under.
There's nothin' to worry about.
Here's where it's at.
I know where it's at.
I wanna make certain you understand that this procedure is generally irreversible.
Yeah, I understand that.
Doctor, I wanna ask you something.
I've read a few articles on vasectomies, and they always say that it doesn't affect the male's ya knowsexual performance.
Is that true? Never slowed me down.
You had it done? Right after my daughter was born.
Your wife insisted on it? I'm not married.
That's nice.
Mike, don't sweat it.
A lot of guys report an increase in sexual activity once the fear of pregnancy's been eliminated.
Hey, something to look forward to, huh? I don't mean you're gonna wind up in the Guinness Book of Records, but see, after surgery, some guys experience some psychological problems.
But I think you're gonna be cool.
Yeah, cool.
Yeah, I'llI'll be cool.
Then what are we waitin' for? Let's boogie! Oh, we're gonna boogie.
Oh, my goodness.
Right on.
We'll just have to undo this.
I can do it, I can do it.
Why don't you do it? I'll do it.
You-- Oh, just do it! Help me! Oh, no! Here we are.
Let me fill your cup.
Thanks, Ma.
I made a fresh pot.
Ugh.
What's the matter? Somethin' wrong with the coffee? Nothin'.
I was drinkin' tea.
Oh! I'm sorry.
Here, I'll make you-- No, that's all right.
Ma Were things this complicated when you had me? Did I cause you to worry about the ecology? You know, overpopulation, pollution? Oh, no.
You would never have done that.
You was a good baby.
Ma, how come I'm an only child? Well, after you was born, there was some problems, and the doctor said I better not have no more babies.
Oh, Ma How come you never told me that before? I didn't want you to feel bad.
You mean that I didn't have any brothers or sisters? Yeah, and I didn't want you to think that it was your fault, 'cause it wasn't.
Thanks, Ma.
Oh, I love you.
Oh, I love you, too.
And we got another baby.
We got Joey! And Archie couldn't be happier.
And now, maybe we'll have a Patrick or a Patricia.
Ma, I did the right thing, didn't I telling Michael to have that operation? You know what, Ma? That's exactly the way I feel.
I'm gonna call Dr.
Marx's office right now and call the whole thing off.
I mean, Michael and I should go out to dinner first and discuss it some more.
If we go out tonight, will you watch Joey? Oh, sure.
I'd love to.
I'll go over now and start Archie's dinner.
You just bring Joey whenever you're ready.
Thanks, Ma.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hello.
Oh, hi, Dr.
Shapiro.
Yeah.
Are you sure? Oh, well I guess the tests don't lie.
SoI'm not pregnant.
Oh, no.
Actually, I'm quite relieved, and I'm sure that Michael will be, too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, he's just come home and I have--yeah.
Thank you.
Bye.
Gee, honey, I'm so glad that you're home.
I'm so sorry about everything turning into such a mess.
I think that you're the most wonderful husband in the whole world, and I love you.
I'm sorry.
Did I hurt you, honey? [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Doesn't hurt.
I feel fine.
Michael, that's horrible! That's nothing to joke about.
Who's joking? Stop it; it's not funny! [NORMAL VOICE.]
Gloria, I feel fine.
As a matter of fact, I feel great.
For years, I've been shooting off my mouth about population control; I finally did something about it.
I feel very proud of myself.
Well, I'm not very proud of myself.
Um, Dr.
Shapiro just telephoned.
and I'm notpregnant.
Well Hey, honey, you know, it doesn't matter.
Look, you're fine and I'm fine.
Everything is okay.
Yeah, but I made you do this.
I made you have an operation that you didn't want.
Gloria, are you forgetting-- we both decided after we had Joey that we didn't want to have any more children.
So what's wrong with what I did? Lots of things.
Like what if something happened to me? Nothing's gonna happen to you.
Michael, you have to face the fact that something could.
What if you wanted to marry again? Gloria, after you, why would I ever wanna get married again? What does that mean? Compliment, compliment.
I'm just trying to say that I only want to be married to you.
What if I'm not around? I mean, it has to have crossed your mind.
I die, and then you get married again, and your new wife wants to have your child and she has a right to.
Don't tell me you've never thought about that before.
All right, I have thought about it.
See?! Honey, honey, come on.
I'm not gonna plan the rest of my life on the possibility of losing you.
Hey, hey, I'm glad I did what I did, 'cause I'm betting on my life with you.
That's what's important to me.
That's what I care about-- my life with you.
You really mean that? I really mean that.
I love you.
I love you, too.
[HIGH-PITCHED.]
Well, how about dinner? I'm starved! Do we have any of that meatloaf left over from yesterday? It sure was good! All In The Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.