The Goldbergs s07e14 Episode Script

1 ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, our teachers looked like this.
They were sad-sacks, angry-sacks, or lonely-sacks.
But that all changed in college, when Barry actually had a hot teacher.
[HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS.]
Pour some knowledge on me.
Stop it, Barry.
She is an intelligent woman who shouldn't be reduced to just an object, and, oh, my God, she's got cheekbones for days.
Why would she be a T.
A.
when she could be holding a number to indicate what round it is in a boxing match? The only thing I get is that you're a super gross horn dog.
But it's not just that.
She actually makes me want to learn.
I'm hot for teacher.
Like the Van Halen song? That song perfectly captures both her profession and my feelings towards that profession.
Let me hand back your essays.
Fantastic job.
Shama-lama-ding-dong! Erica dids it again.
And, Barry, yours is in here somewhere.
Oh, just look for the one with the strawberry-jam fingerprints.
Here it is.
- Excellent job, as well.
- Yes! Smarty people in the house! What the hell? You got an A, too? Yeah.
I cranked that bad boy out quick.
That's Barry's number-one trick for academic success Speed.
There is no way we both earned A's.
Erica, when you say things like that, it makes me think you think I'm not intelligent.
I don't.
You are widely considered stupider than me by family, society, and any jacket with a zipper.
That was one jacket! And you're just mad that I got the same grade as you.
Mr.
Goldberg.
Please see me after class.
Oh, no.
She must've realized that English isn't your second language.
Knock, knock.
Wow.
Check out all these books.
It's like that weird store in the mall that sells books.
Well, you've got to read a lot of them if you want a PhD.
I get it.
I'm gonna be a doctor, too, but, like, a real one who plays God and parks wherever he wants and tells loved ones he tried but it's their nana's time.
[CHUCKLES.]
I knew you were funny.
That paper you wrote comparing Weber's theory of rationalization to LL Cool J's song "Big Ole Butt" made me laugh out loud.
I am so glad! You're so cool and pretty and know all of LL Cool J's masterwork on butts.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Go out with me tonight.
That's intense, considering it's Valentine's Day.
Oh, no, Barry.
You asked your dream woman out on the most romantically charged day of the year? - It's okay.
- No, forget I said anything.
I'll just drop the class and quit school and become a lowly sixth man on a struggling NBA franchise.
Don't become a Charlotte Hornet.
You know the NBA? I can't take it.
Reveal your shortcomings.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know what? Let's do it.
- Let's go out.
- Wait.
For real? I'm sick of dating snobby, bookish guys.
You are so not them.
I haven't listened since you said yes, so your reasons are your reasons.
But this needs to stay between us.
If word got out, it wouldn't be good.
I'll have no trouble keeping it to myself.
ADULT ADAM: Well, he'd have a little trouble.
- Hey, Big Tasty.
- What's new? [MUFFLED SCREAM.]
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day ADULT ADAM: It was Valentine's Day, 1980-something, and for the first time in a long time, I had my eye on someone special.
No, it wasn't Dana.
We were now just friends.
In fact, we were both interested in other people.
Okay, I'm gonna ask Brea to the Valentine's Couples Skate.
Glasses on or off? I thought your eye wanders when you take them off.
Not if I close it.
What do you think? - I'd keep them on.
- Good note.
Let's do this.
The plan was perfect.
Dana and I would have our dates, and it would be the best Valentine's day ever! - Brea, want to hit the skate thing? - Sure.
Or not.
What just happened? From what I can glean from your devastated looks, your crushes just crushed on each other and now you're crushed.
[LAUGHS.]
So Dana and I found a way to deal with our misery in the healthiest way possible Ice cream.
Here's to being totally cool with not having a Valentine.
There's my scrumptious Valentine! Come on, give Mama a Oh, Dana! Hell no! Not again.
Nice to see you, too, Mrs.
Goldberg.
Mom, I know you're not Dana's biggest fan, but we're just friends.
Oh, thank God.
I thought you were back together.
In fact, we just found out the two people we like are going with each other to the Couples Skate.
Wait, another harlot dares toy with my baby's heart? I'm a person.
Dana, this is not about you.
I need to know her name, where she lives, and what time she goes to sleep.
Her name's Brea, and I've already said too much.
Besides, it's not like there's anything I can do.
I waited too long, and Andrew Gallery asked her first.
If it's just a timing thing, I can fix that.
I'll just break them up.
You couldn't really do that, could you? Let me tell you about Adam's father's first love, Ilene.
What about Ilene? She was an awful toad, Murray.
Don't interrupt.
She was nice You know, with the hair and the face and the other stuff.
I knew he and that expired bag of soup were wrong for each other, so I had no choice.
I had to go into "preventa" mode.
Preventa? A preventa is the opposite of a yenta.
Instead of putting people together, they tear them apart.
I'm among the world's best at both.
I liked her.
She smelled like lavender, she made me corn muffins.
What did you do to her? She did it to herself, Murray, by writing that letter to her ex-boyfriend.
[CHUCKLES.]
All I did was get it out of her mailbox, break into your car, and leave it for you to read.
- You did that? - Yes.
And today, you have a loving wife and beautiful children who don't look like butter-filled pinatas.
It all makes sense.
So, the point of this incredibly upsetting story is that you can break up two teenagers so we'll find love? It's what a good mama does.
- Thank you for the offer, but - We'd love your help.
You seriously want to involve my mom in this? I like Andrew, you like Brea.
What other choice do we really have? We can wait them out.
And after their marriage goes stale and the kids move out, they'll agree to amicably go their separate ways.
Then we pounce like cats.
Or we let your mom preventa it up.
You are wise beyond your appearance, Dana.
It's on.
I'll see you in the den in five.
This will end bad.
While we were enlisting my mom's help with love, the JTP had their own romantic plans.
Hey, JTP.
We thought we'd swing by and check in on you guys.
We know how lonely Valentine's Day can be.
But cheggit, you're all dressed up.
- So I guess you found dates? - And yet we did not.
In fact, we have no romantic prospects at all.
So, in lieu of lady companionship, we decided to celebrate our friendship.
We call it Pal-entine's Day.
At least you improved the name, because last year's Valen-dudes Day was a real big whiff.
First, we're gonna go to Dante & Luigi's for a little linguine and laughs.
Then a carriage ride around Rittenhouse Square to see the city lights.
Finally, ice-skating at this rink my uncle manages.
He's gonna let us use it after hours, so it'll be just us.
I know it sounds crazy, you guys, - but I really think we could raise a baby.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
Hello, Geoffrey and sister.
I thought it might be St.
Valentine himself here to smile down upon the lovers, the dreamers, and those that are neither loved nor dreamed about.
Ohh, don't touch my face with your bathroom hand.
Is that Polo Sport by Ralph Lauren I smell? Indeed.
It's made from the sweet sweat of wealthy ponies.
Wait, Bar, you have a Valentine's date? That's amazing.
What's her name, Jennifer Canada? First of all, Ms.
"Ca-nada" moved back to the part of Manitoba with no phone service.
That all sounds right.
Tell us about this new special lady.
Well, she's ADULT ADAM: In that moment, Barry remembered the promise he made to Elana.
She's made up.
Erica's right.
I'm just a big fat phony who has no one.
When you just cop to it, it kind of ruins the fun.
Yeah, no fun for you or me.
Anyway, I'm off to the library.
With a box of chocolates and a blazer? Brain food and wearing my brain blazer because I got a date with my brain, and he's about to get very lucky.
For what it's worth, you guys would make great fathers.
- Oh.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
He's wearing a blazer, he smells like Macy's, and he's happy? Something's up.
We need to follow him.
Holy crap! He's on a date with our teacher! Do you know what this means? Barry's hot for teacher, and teacher's hot for him! No, he didn't write a good paper.
He smooched his way to that A.
Oh, right, this is about you.
I'll do better.
ADULT ADAM: As Erica had discovered Barry's secret, my mom was about to share a few of her own.
Who's ready to break up some teens? I still don't think this is a good idea.
It is.
I already bought a cute skating outfit.
I like this color on you, Dana.
It's just, breaking up two people for no reason seems kind of mean.
What's mean is allowing two people to stay together when there are other people out there who would make them happier.
- Way happier, Adam.
- Okey-dokey.
Since this seems to be happening anyway, I'm in.
Now, the first thing we need to do is start a bogus rumor.
He's a pyromaniac, and she sells organs on the black market.
Too dark.
[CHUCKLES.]
But I wish I knew this Dana before.
Oh, I've got one.
Now all we need is a gossipy hen to run with it.
I know just the hen.
Get this.
Andrew Gallery, who's already going to the Valentine's Skate with Brea Bee, sent flowers to the field hockey team.
What happened to the sanctity of monogamy? I don't know, but keep this to yourself.
Definitely don't tell anyone.
How can I? How can I? By lunchtime, the rumor should be the talk of the cafeteria.
Won't Andrew just deny it? Of course he will.
But that brings us to step two Plant evidence.
ANDREW: But it's not true.
Why would I send flowers to the field hockey team? They're 4-9.
Thanks for the flowers, Andrew.
I don't understand this! I do.
You got busted.
Have fun with all those plaid skirts at the Valentine's Skate.
And, finally, step three, be there to pick up the pieces.
Hey, Brea.
I heard what that coward did to you.
Just know there are some good guys out there.
What was I thinking? There's no way to know.
But I'm here now.
Thanks, Adam.
Your mom really raised you well.
While my mom had preventa'd another relationship, nothing was preventing Barry and his hot teacher from hitting it off.
You ordered cupcakes? Or, as I like to think of them, muffins after dark.
There's just no neat way to eat them.
Well, maybe there is something I can teach you.
All you do is you take the top off, put the bottom on top.
You got yourself a little cupcake sandwich.
You don't mess around.
One day, I hope to show you my work with waffles.
[CHUCKLES.]
I want you to see the best in me, Elana.
You know what? I'm having a pretty great time.
Me too.
Oh! No! - I'm so sorry! - Don't worry.
I'll just I'll be right back and we can try again.
- Busted.
- What are you doing here? Finding out exactly how you got that A.
- You're trading your body for grades.
- It's not like that.
Whatever it is, it's awesome.
Dude, you're hot for teacher! Thanks, buddy.
You're a good friend.
- Stay out of this, Geoff.
- On it, yeah.
I just got to ask Has she ever given you, like, a pop quiz but then the quiz is just kissing? - Geoff! - Sorry, babe.
Follow-up question Has she ever started class by emerging from behind a curtain, wearing nothing but a bikini and a sash? Dude! I didn't know this side of you.
It's always been in there! Shh! You need to leave right now! I promised her I'd keep this a secret.
No one can know! Just go.
Get over yourself.
No one cares about your disgusting love life.
It's true, JTP.
Barry's hot for teacher, and teacher's hot for him.
When I get clarity on the sash, I'll call back.
Oh, God.
The JTP knows! It's already too late.
ADULT ADAM: Barry swore he'd keep quiet about dating his teacher.
Unfortunately, the JTP told everyone.
I'm telling you, if word gets out, Elana and I are done.
Relax, Bar.
No one even listens to the JTP.
- You're fine.
- Barry Goldberg, you da man.
- [SIGHS.]
- Okay.
I mean, that could be completely unrelated.
You are da man.
I suppose there's the possibility it's completely unrelated.
Bro, congrats on dating Elana, your smokin' hot sociology teacher.
Okay, that was pretty specific.
But I'm sure Elana won't even find out! I know everything, Barry.
About sociology and not that our super-sexy secret got out? You told everyone, not to mention there were 27 very aggressive apples on my desk this morning.
They are in season.
I liked you.
But, for you, this was clearly an adolescent fantasy based on some Motley Crue song.
It's Van Halen.
God, I can't believe I could lose my job over this.
Thanks for nothing, Barry.
ADULT ADAM: While word of Barry's hot teacher had spread like wildfire, my mom was trying to stoke the flames of my romance with Brea.
What are you doing? As you know, I used my preventa abilities to destroy Brea's previous Valentine's date.
Those are words.
And now I'm waiting for Adam to use this study session to ask her out.
Oh, why doesn't he do it already? If I had to come up with something, it's because he's a giant wussbag.
Murray! Don't blame me.
I didn't raise him.
Oh, I got to get down there and turn up the heat.
Well, good luck.
I set the temperature to 66, and I ripped off the knob.
Who wants some nummy snacks? No, thanks, Mom.
We kind of got something going on here.
Mm, doesn't look like it, and I've got the perfect thing to help rev up those study engines Chocolate-covered strawberries.
Go on.
Feed each other.
[CHUCKLES.]
Wait.
Did you say "feed each other"? What a great idea, huh? Just do what comes naturally.
It seems natural that you'd leave so we can study.
Come on, close those books and crack open a conversation.
Oh, here's a topic Adam likes ice-skating.
Thoughts, Brea? The only thing that comes to mind is, "What's going on?" What's going on is this stereo.
- [SMOOTH R&B MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Ah.
Don't you just love R&B? Feel the rhythm of the night.
What the hell, lady? What's with the erotic fruit and sensuous music? - [BUTTON CLICKS, MUSIC STOPS.]
- I did not break up Brea and her boy toy to have you sit on the sidelines, Adam.
I-I'm gonna do it.
Just give me a minute.
- I'll give you two.
- That's a tight window! Well, it is what it is.
Now go show some fight.
Is Is everything okay? Yeah.
I-I just need to ask you something.
Would you be interested in This was it.
My mom's plan had led to this moment.
All I had to do was pop the question.
doing next week's lab so we can get ahead? Oh.
Oh, no.
Is the power out? No.
This is much worse.
Look who found a study candle.
You know what they say, everyone learns better in low light.
I can't see anything.
Just scooch in, share the flame.
ADULT ADAM: As my mom refused to let up, Barry wasn't gonna let Erica off the hook.
You.
You did this! I'm still hot for teacher, but she is no longer hot for me.
Oopsie-doopsy.
Did I ruin your inappropriate affair so now you actually have to earn your grade? You can't accept I earned the same grade as you? I cannot, because you did not.
You're unbelievable! Did you know this was the first girl I liked since Lainey? Please, do not try to convince me that - this thing with our teacher is real.
- Why not? Maybe because you're shaped like Grimace from McDonald's? Oh, thank you.
That purple gumdrop is a delight.
He is not a delight.
Grimace is a simpleton with short, useless arms.
He could still carry a shake! And his clumsy antics are the perfect foil for Ronald.
- He gets the job done.
- What job? And, oh, my God, it's conversations like this that make me certain our hot teacher couldn't like you.
You never believe I could be something other than your dumb brother.
That's not what I'm saying.
For the first time in a really long time, I had an amazing Valentine's Day.
And you ruined it.
- Thanks a lot.
- Barry, wait.
I always thought Ronald McDonald looked a lot like my Uncle Allen.
ADULT ADAM: As Erica had made a mess of Barry's love life - [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- my mom had to do some romantic cleanup of her own.
Hi, Mrs.
Goldberg.
I could really use your help.
See, Andrew still hasn't asked me to the Valentine's Skate.
I'm worried he's still into Brea.
Damn it, Dana, do I need to put on a Dana costume and finish the job myself? Why are you yelling at me? You said you were good at this preventa stuff.
I can lead a horse to water, but I can't make it drink a tall glass of blech.
- No offense.
- How do I not take offense to that? Look, you'll be fine.
You'll marry rich, he'll get bored after a month, and you'll clean up in the divorce.
Right now the only love life I'm concerned with is Adam's.
Well, he better move fast, because Andrew's determined to get Brea back.
Okay, quick.
What's Brea into? - Um - Okay, pick up the pace.
No wonder Andrew has a wandering eye.
She likes the band New Edition.
I can work with that.
As for you, give him these strawberries.
And when he talks, you just nod a lot.
But doesn't that just play into ugly gender roles? - You will never find love.
- But I ADULT ADAM: Yep, time was running out to seal the deal with Brea.
Bro, you got to ask her out before someone else does.
I would, but she's half my age.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
I'm going in.
[BEATBOXING.]
This song goes out to the lovely Brea From Adam.
Good God, no.
[TO TUNE OF CANDY GIRL.]
Brea, girl You are Adam's world It would be so great If you were his date He really, really, really, really Wants you to be his date I'm a rock guy, but sometimes good is just good.
- You! - Always pull through? I know.
I told you I'd handle it on my own.
But I found out that Andrew is still hung up on Brea.
He was gonna swoop right in, and then you'd have no date.
So what? This doesn't have anything to do with you.
Sweetie, we are in this together.
When you hurt, I hurt.
Are you also feeling the overwhelming humiliation you just caused me? No, I'm actually still buzzing from that amazing jam.
Well, you're right about one thing.
You're a great preventa, 'cause you just made sure me and Brea have no chance.
ADULT ADAM: After losing Elana, Barry paid a visit to the head of her department.
Professor Lee, there's this awesome rock song about inappropriate love I'm trying to base my life on.
You mean that deafening noise made by morally questionable gentlemen? - You're not a fan of rock? - Only the ones I paint.
This is one of my most recent.
Oh, that's lovely! You got a medium-size one and a little fella, and, look, [CHUCKLES.]
there's a boulder.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know your rock sizes.
So, is Elana in trouble for going out with me? It's certainly frowned upon, but there's nothing in the code of conduct that says a teacher can't date a student.
- There isn't? - Nope.
Had there been, I wouldn't have met my one and only sexual partner My wife of 30 years.
That's great I mean, not about your old wife, but Elana's not getting in trouble? She's not Unless she gave you a grade you didn't deserve.
She gave me an A.
- I'm calling the dean.
- Oh, no! - Hang up that phone.
- Who are you? She's his sister.
Geoff, I can speak for myself.
- I'm his sister.
- Nailed it, babe.
And here's the thing Barry earned that A.
Barry's paper was smart, creative, and oddly persuasive.
You really liked it? I did.
And I'm sorry I was so petty and competitive.
The fact is, you are so much smarter than I give you credit for.
Thanks.
That means a lot.
It's true.
And you deserve to go out with Elana if that's what you want.
- Then go.
- Okay.
- All of you go! - ADULT ADAM: With that, Barry knew just what to do to fix his Valentine's Day, and I couldn't forgive my mom for ruining mine.
Damn it, Adam, open up.
You can't stay angry at me forever.
ADAM: I can, and I will.
- [SIGHS.]
- Hey.
What's going on here? I hired a boy band without Adam's knowledge to help lock down his Valentine's date, and for some reason, he's mad at me.
That doesn't sound good.
I can still fix it.
I just need you to call the school, say you're Brea's dad, and demand her class schedule.
How 'bout I do nothing and you stay out of it? If I stayed out of it with you and Ilene, you'd be married to that sack of wet corn.
Bevy, you and I being together has nothing to do with you preventa'ing Ilene.
'Course it does.
No, I just liked you.
Well, yeah, but she had the, uh The face and the stuff.
You had everything.
Oh, Murray.
If this girl likes Adam, it'll work out for him, too.
[MOTLEY CRUE'S "HOME SWEET HOME" PLAYS.]
- You know I'm a dreamer - Schmoo? But my heart's of gold I'm sorry I interfered with Brea.
You ask her when you're ready.
So I wouldn't come home low But what if she says no? Is that what you've been afraid of? I just like her so much.
Well, you're never gonna know if you don't ask.
But I don't want to mess it up.
Yeah, I might not be impartial, but, uh Anyone would be a fool to say no to you.
I'm on my way I'm on my way ADULT ADAM: Turns out the scariest thing you can do is put yourself out there.
But then you do, and you realize it was exactly what you needed to move forward.
- So, no one's in trouble? - Not even a little.
And, even better, we can go out again.
Here's the thing, Barry.
I don't think we should.
Oh.
You're a great guy.
It's just not a good idea.
[SIGHS.]
That sucks, but I get it.
I hope you're okay.
I am.
And I think it's time to get myself back out there.
Thanks for helping me realize that.
Whoever that ends up being, she's a lucky lady.
Not as lucky as the guy who ends up with you.
Home sweet home Barry, wait.
One for the road? Tonight, tonight I'm on my way Just set me free Home sweet home [VOICE BREAKING.]
Thank you.
That was awesome.
Home sweet home ADULT ADAM: And, sure, sometimes it doesn't work out how you imagined, but if you don't take a chance, you'll never know if your dreams could become a reality.
I'm glad you asked me.
What took you so long? Just waiting for the right moment.
Because at the end of the day, love is about finding someone who makes every day feel like a dream.
Home sweet home - Brea Bee.
- Hi! [BELL DINGS.]
This really has been the best Pal-entine's Day ever.
[SIGHS.]
My heart is full.
So is my stomach.
That pasta was amazing.
Oh! And the carriage ride? Even though we didn't have a blanket, I still felt toasty.
Let's finish strong.
Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
[JACKIE JAMES' "EVERY LITTLE BIT" PLAYS.]
'Cause every little bit of my heart is true This is where I belong Been savin' every little bit of my heart for you For so long - [LAUGHS.]
- [SIGHS.]
- We need girlfriends.
- So bad.
Let's never speak of this.