The Neighborhood (2018) s07e14 Episode Script

1
All right. Here we go, Daphne.
Good to go.
Oh. What are you doing?
Oh, about to take Daphne for a walk.
With who?
With me.
Oh. Okay, well, you know what,
- let me help you with the straps.
- Uh, don't.
- I've got the straps. Thank you.
- [DOOR OPENS]
All right.
Oh! There's that cute little Daphne!
Yeah. About to take her for a walk.
Aw. With who?
With me.
Oh.
I'll just do the snaps for you.
No, uh, got my own snaps.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Okay.
Oh, hey, Grandpa! What you doing?
About to take Daphne for a walk.
Ah. With who?
Say "with who" one
more time. Say "with who."
I dare any one of y'all
to say "with who."
Oh, hey, those snaps are wrong.
The snaps are fine.
He's just a little sensitive.
Ain't nobody sensitive.
You know, I'm just fed up.
Y'all don't trust me to
walk down the sidewalk
with my grandbaby,
but you trust me to fix
the brakes on your car?
[SQUEALS]
Come on, Daphne!
You can pick up the Cheerio.
Come on. You can do it.
You know she should be
picking up her food by now, right?
I know all the milestones, Mommy.
Okay.
I have an app
that makes me feel bad
about my baby every day.
[CHUCKLES]
But I have enough bad news for today.
There's a stomach bug going
around the Fusebox daycare.
Courtney's at a
conference, and I just wish
I had somebody to watch Daphne tomorrow.
Well, if you're trying to manipulate me,
it's working.
[CHUCKLES] You know, I could
just blow off work tomorrow.
- [CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY]
- Oh.
Damn, I forgot you were here.
What? [SCOFFS]
Guys, it's fine, all right?
I'll watch Daphne tomorrow.
[CHUCKLES] Alone.
With nobody.
[PROTESTING, GROANING]
Okay, you know, if I may
defend my best friend Calvin here,
you know, he did raise two great kids.
Ha! Ha! Ha!
[MARTY AND TINA LAUGHING]
Yeah.
With my supervision.
You know, one time I
went to get my hair done,
Calvin ran out of
diapers, he put Malcolm
in the yard naked and
blasted him with the hose.
Was he clean?
Calvin, that is not the point.
Was he clean?
Yes.
Uh, thanks for the offer, Dad,
but you have work tomorrow, too.
Okay. I see what this is.
You're worried that you can't
handle the Fusebox without me.
- Ha!
- [CHUCKLES]
I'll be fine.
If I need someone who
can't connect the printer,
I'll let you know.
Okay. So it's like that?
- It's like that, Daddy.
- Well, you know what,
I am going to take my granddaughter
- for some fresh air. Yeah.
- Oh. Please.
- Now
- There you go. Wait. Uh-oh.
Whoops.
- Ooh!
- You still got to
Put your back into it.
- [GRUNTS]
- Yeah.
Should we tell him the wheel lock's on?
- Nah, let him go.
- MARTY: Mm.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to The Neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
GEMMA: Uh, Grover.
Why are you home?
I thought you were
going to Model U.N. club.
Oh, I bounce dearly.
All the annoying seventh
graders claimed the cool countries.
I got stuck with Chad.
[CHUCKLES] Chad.
Northern Africa.
The national instrument is the kakaki,
and it slaps.
No, not not the country.
Chad Einbunker.
Well, Chad's not so bad.
I love his suspenders.
Mom. [SIGHS]
Life is too short.
Dave, I'm getting worried
about Grover's high school applications.
These days, it's not
about being an A student
with awesome extracurriculars.
Well, good, 'cause he
has neither of those things.
What I'm saying is, what these
schools are really looking for
is a brand.
Can a 14-year-old really have a brand?
The ones who get into
good high schools do.
We can make fun of Chad
Einbunker all we want,
but he's got that
podcast about juggling.
He's Chad Juggles?
That is, like, the
premier juggling podcast.
That kid slaps!
Say "slaps" one more time and
we're never having sex again.
[DOOR OPENS]
[KNOCKS]
Hey, Pop.
I'm headed to the barbershop.
Just, uh, making sure
you don't need anything.
Did your mother send you
over here to check on me?
She told me to tell you no.
Well, you tell her
Daphne and I are fine.
Check out this diaper change.
[CHUCKLES]
Nobody needs to check on me.
Ooh. Hey, Calvin. I'm going
over to parent-teacher conference.
Just making sure you
don't need anything.
Did Tina send you, too?
No.
It was Marty.
Good morning, Julian!
Uh, hey, where are the doughnuts?
Your dad always gets the doughnuts.
Oh. So that's what my
dad does around here.
[LAUGHS]
Well, this is just another
thing I will effortlessly handle
in my father's absence.
Hello, Post mates.
Two dozen assorted doughnuts.
Priority delivery.
And done. [POPS LIPS]
Why are you buying
these corporate doughnuts
when Yummy King
Doughnuts is just a block away?
Well, why didn't you tell
me that before I spent
$106 on two dozen doughnuts?!
Marty, uh, we finished
up that car in Bay 3,
- but the lady's not happy.
- Oh.
She wants to talk to Mr. Butler.
Is he coming in?
Zeke, you do realize
I am also Mr. Butler.
Yeah, but not really.
There it is.
A humming sound.
Yeah, I don't hear anything.
It's so loud!
Well, ma'am,
I'm running diagnostics in real time,
and your cabin noise is at
31 decibels,
which is quieter than a gentle rain.
So you are
[KNOCKS "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT" RHYTHM]
good to go.
Where's the owner?
I am the owner.
Yeah, but the real one.
The handsome man.
With the doughnuts.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, he's not here today.
I'll come back when the owner's here.
He'll know what I'm talking about.
No, no, no. No.
I will personally run all your tests
to make sure you're happy.
[SIGHS, CLICKS TONGUE]
Okay.
Take your time.
Oh, and and just a reminder
I am also the owner.
Grover is doing better this quarter.
Oh. Is he getting an A?
No. An A-minus?
No. B-plus?
Sorry. B?
- No.
- GEMMA: Uh
- Dave, let Tammy speak.
- Right.
Of course. I'm sorry.
- Uh, B-minus?
- Dave!
I'm sorry. We're just a little anxious
about Grover's high school applications.
And you want to know what his brand is.
- Yes.
- Exactly.
Well, it ain't algebra.
Uh, but just to be sure,
have you ever left a complicated
equation up on the board
to see if maybe he
comes in after school and
- Okay
- Solves it?
Anyway, I did want
to bring up one issue.
Grover has a habit of
doodling on his worksheets.
And they're interesting.
Whoa.
Is that a naked robot?
Robots don't wear clothes.
- I feel like this one should.
- Yeah.
Hey, hey, now!
- [OTHERS GREETING]
- MALCOLM: Hey, Pop!
Wow, Calvin. Out with
the baby by yourself.
That's pretty bold.
I was getting a lot of props
from the women at the park, too, boy.
Hey, man,
I know what you mean.
One time, this lady was so impressed
that I had my daughter out by myself,
I ended up making a new
daughter with her. [LAUGHS]
You know? You know what I mean?
Uh, Pop, wh what's on Daphne's face?
CALVIN: Ooh. Oh, let me get that.
That's just a little ice cream.
You gave her ice cream?
No. See, uh, she got up
and walked to the
freezer and got it herself.
Yes, I gave her ice cream.
TREY: Uh
I'm not the sharpest
knife in the drawer,
but I don't think that's a good idea.
You know what, you're right, Trey.
You're barely a butter knife.
Anybody want a rib?
I got two left.
Nah.
I got my steps in today, so, uh,
yeah, I'll take one.
[CLEARS THROAT]
No, don't tell your mama
about this, Malcolm, okay?
Oh!
You like the way that smell, don't you?
Okay. I'll just give
you a little nibble.
Just a little nibble.
Whoa, Pop, Pop,
you're gonna give this
baby ice cream and ribs?
That's not a good idea
for anybody under five
or over 55.
Don't listen to your grumpy uncle.
The baby wants some baby backs.
Well, I think Marty
should take his baby back.
- [FUSSING]
- Uh, Pop?
Daphne's getting kind of fussy.
[CRYING]
Oh, she probably just needs her Pop-Pop.
That's what she needs.
ZEE: Look at her face.
It's like she's thinking real hard.
Yeah, I don't think she's thinking.
Well, whatever she's thinking about,
I can smell it.
Uh-oh!
We got a blowout!
[OTHERS GROANING]
- [GROANS]
- Oh, my goodness.
How could this happen?
Uh, well, one theory, Pop,
is that you fed a baby who's
been eating puréed carrots
a combination of vanilla
ice cream and pork.
- [CRYING]
- CALVIN: Don't worry, don't worry.
Pop-Pop's gonna take care
of this. Here we go, baby.
All right.
Oh, no, man!
There's milk all over these diapers.
Who packed this bag?
No, I don't like your tone.
Damn, that robot is thicc.
Yeah
I mean, it's okay.
I mean, it's just a little sketch.
I know.
I just wish we could search his room
and see if there are more of these.
Well, why can't you?
Have you ever read Dr. Milton Chaslow?
You know, he stresses the
importance of allowing a child
a private sanctuary
to foster independence.
[LAUGHING]
Independence?
He's lucky he's got a door.
Hell, in my family, you didn't
get a door till you were 19.
Well, Dr. Chaslow says that
Screw Dr. Chaslow, okay?!
We're going up there.
ZEE: Calvin, I really wish
you hadn't put the baby in my sink.
I wash people heads in there.
Please.
I've seen you clean work boots in here.
Well, the good news
is, we got the diapers.
Bad news is, she won't be
able to wear 'em till she's 80.
Adult diapers? Come on, man.
That's all they had.
And I had to fight a old lady for those.
Really?
Yeah. She squared up. I was like,
"What's up, Ruth? What's
up? What you gonna do?"
This.
This is why you do
not give a kid a door.
There are, like, ten cereal bowls but
only one spoon.
Uh, Dave,
you're gonna want
to take a look at this.
Oh, my God.
What is that?
It's a Baby Ruth bar.
Yes, but it looks like he's
licked off all the chocolate.
It's just exposed nougat.
[GROANS]
You know what, I'm out of here.
- [GROANS]
- Well, ho hold on, hold on.
- What?
- What is this?
- Oh.
- Look, it's more drawings.
Wow. Is that a fish eating
human sushi?
What's going on on the pigeon's head?
It's got cornrows.
- Oh.
- I don't like that one.
Am I crazy or are these kind of good?
[SCOFFS]
Good?
I mean
I think they might be fantastic.
I mean, the details, while unnerving
- Mm-hmm
- Are really skillful.
Yeah, this is like
that freaky, nerdy crap
that Marty used to love.
You know, he used to make
me drive him down to Little Tokyo
and pay $40 for a damn comic book.
Oh, my God.
Have we found Grover's brand?
I mean
- I think we have!
- Oh!
Well, I've run every test I can run.
I've driven the car around the block.
It's fine.
But she still hears humming.
I can't fix a problem
that doesn't exist.
Oh, you have a problem.
But the problem isn't the car.
It's you.
What you talking about, Julian?
See, if you took your nose out
of your laptop just long enough
and looked around, you would
have seen Emmy here before.
She comes here a couple times a month,
always with some crazy little problem.
And your dad helps her.
Okay, are you saying my
dad hears the humming?
There is no humming.
It's like talking to a brick wall!
I'm sorry, are you helping me?
The lady is lonely.
And your dad just
makes her feel special.
It's like the great
Dr. Milton Chaslow says.
You're you're hearing
what the lady is saying,
but you're not listening to her.
Wow. That was
really insightful, Julian.
- Mm-hmm.
- Where'd you learn all this stuff?
Well, none of you damn people
pay me no attention around here.
I told y'all I'm getting my
master's in psychology!
- Y'all some narcissists, man.
- [GASPS]
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Scissors.
- [RAPID SNIPPING]
- Oh.
Powder.
Oh!
Yeah.
Cornbread.
- Mmm. That's all right.
- Pretty good cornbread.
That's pretty good.
Blow dryer.
Clear.
- [BLOWING]
- Whew!
Oh!
[BLOWING STOPS]
Tape. I need tape.
Um
we all out.
- What?
- Aw, damn.
- She's making that thinking face again.
- Oh!
Zee?
Peel that masking tape off
that signed picture of Sisqó.
Do it now.
First my sink, now Sisqó?
Tape! Stat!
Ew! Go, go!
- Boom!
- [CHEERING]
[WHOOPING]
- Diaper dress!
- Yeah!
- Vera Wang could never.
- Yeah!
Hey, Grover!
Oh, hey, buddy. Why
don't you have a seat.
So, uh, you know, your mom and I
had our parent-teacher conference today.
Well, Ms. Davis told us
something very interesting.
Oh, am I getting an A?
No.
Oh. A-minus?
No.
- B-plus?
- No.
- B?
- In what world?
- Grover, she showed us your doodles.
- Yes.
- She she did?
- GEMMA: Mm-hmm.
- Yes. And they are very imaginative.
- Mm.
Oh. Um thanks.
Yeah. You know, I really
responded to the one
that takes place in
some sort of hell scape,
where the android
demon creatures are prodding
the muscular rhino woman.
Mm. Mm-hmm.
Uh, where did you see that one?
It was in your sketchbook.
You went in my room?!
I thought that was my sanctuary!
Boy.
You're lucky you even have a door.
Why were you keeping this a secret?
Why do you think?
You you make a big
deal about everything I do.
This is just something I enjoy. For me!
[STAMMERS]
What's next? Are are you
gonna turn it into my brand?
- What even is that?
- Brand? "A brand."
Get out of here. I don't
even know what a brand is.
Brands are for cereals and
Yeah.
[SINGSONGY] I smell a scholarship!
So, he's up there on the roof.
- Mm-hmm.
- Screaming and carrying on.
And I'm out there
with his dinner saying,
"Norman Fitzgibbons, if you
don't come down right now"
- Ooh. Oh.
- "I give up."
And if I know cats,
Norman did not come down.
You do know cats!
- I know. I know.
- [LAUGHING]
- He's a real dickens.
- [LAUGHS]
Now, Maurice Fitzgibbons
no relation
he is a real dandy.
Yeah. Rawr.
- [GIGGLES]
- N Now,
how do you get the pants on him?
It is not easy.
But so worth it.
- [LAUGHING]
- Oh. Yes.
[SIGHS] Mm.
I think the humming is gone.
You fixed it!
- Oh!
- [GIGGLING]
- I do what I can, Emmy.
- Oh.
- [CHUCKLES]
- So, now,
do you take Maurice
to a cat clothing store?
I'll tell you a secret, Marty.
Ooh, tell me.
Those pants
- they're dog pants.
- [GASPS]
[GIGGLES]
Here you go, Pop.
Why did you bring those home?
You don't want to hang on to 'em?
They don't expire.
[CHUCKLING]
You know what else doesn't expire?
- What?
- My ability to raise your rent.
- We were having so much fun.
- Mm.
And you went and made it serious.
Oh. Here. Take it.
[STAMMERING]
[GRUNTS]
Oh!
There's my grandbaby!
Daphne!
- Yes! Yeah.
- And she's in one piece!
- [KISSING]
- Yeah, I think somebody owes me an apology.
Actually, I do.
I never realized
how hard customer service is.
Emmy came in today.
Oh. [CHUCKLES] Okay.
What was it this time?
A a whistling sound?
Did her steering wheel
not turn left enough?
No. It was a hum.
And I fixed it
by listening to stories
about the Fitzgibbonses.
[LAUGHS] Now you get what I do.
See, that's how you
earn customer loyalty.
I get it now.
Yeah. I'm glad you do.
And, um, listen, you
didn't hear this from me
[CHUCKLES] but, uh,
Maurice wears dog pants.
How did you know?
What are these?
These? Um
These are, um
Um
Malcolm's got a problem.
- No!
- Oh, Malcolm!
Baby, what's wrong?
I'm fine. [CHUCKLES]
No, listen. Malcolm, I'm your mother.
You can tell me anything.
Yeah, you got a leaky faucet?
My faucet is fine. Get off me!
I'm fine. Nothing's wrong with me.
You know what? Raise my rent.
I don't care. I'm done.
Pop fed Daphne ice cream,
ran out of diapers, and
threw her in a barbershop sink!
[DOOR OPENS]
- What?!
- What?!
Ice cream, Dad?
Well, in my defense,
you never said don't feed her ice cream.
How in the world is that a defense?!
TINA: Oh, my God. Don't move.
- What? What?
- Look at Daphne.
What's she doing?
TINA: She's feeding herself!
MARTY: Well, how'd she learn this?
Oh, I I taught her.
Look, the trick is, you got to
give her food she really enjoys.
Like ribs.
Like ribs? Or actual ribs?
Oh!
Look at her! Oh!
She wants her Pop-Pop.
Oh! Come here.
Look at you. So big. What you
Uh-oh.
She got that thinking face again.
Uh, all yours. [CHUCKLES]
- Okay.
- Pop-Pop out.