The Simpsons s07e14 Episode Script

The Simpsons D'oh! Ay.
!: Qué agonía.
! Oh, he wants that corn so much.
Ay.
!: Dios no me ama.
! I want to see what's on the other broadcasts.
Where's the oscillator on this thing? No, Grampa! Don't! - Dad, sit down! - Gosh darn it! What does this do? Oh, I'll make my adjustments here and- Yea! We're getting a new TV! Let's go to the Sharper Image.
They've got a TV shaped like a '50s diner! No! Let's go to The Nature Company.
They've got a TV assembled by Hopi Indians.
We can't afford to shop at any store that has a philosophy.
We just need a TV.
- We're going to go to the outlet mall in Ogdenville.
Look at these low, low prices on famous brand-name electronics! Don't be a sap, Dad.
These are just crappy knock-offs.
I know a genuine Panaphonics when I see it.
And look, there's Magnetbox and Sorny.
I'm not going to lie to you.
Those are all superior machines.
But if you like to watch your TV, and I mean really watch it you want the Carnivalé.
It features two-pronged wall plug, pre-molded hand-grip well durable outer casing to prevent fall-apart.
Sold! You wrap it up, I'll start bringing in the pennies.
Honey, I don't think these clothes are us.
Who are they? Hey, Brandine! You could wear this shirt to work.
Oh, Cletis, you know I gotta wear the shirt what Dairy Queen give me.
Hey, Mom.
! There's something in here.
! Ooh! Oh, it's beautiful.
Can it be a real Chanel? It is! Ninety dollars? But it's marked down from 2,800.
Oh, you look so sophisticated.
Just like Mary Hart.
It fits like a dream too.
But we can't afford $90, even if it is a bargain.
It wouldn't be right to buy something just for me.
If it were a suit we could all wear, maybe then- Come on, Mom! You never treat yourself to anything.
Oh, sure I do.
I treated myself to a Sanka not three days ago.
But this is a real find.
Just buy it.
You don't have to rationalize everything.
Hmm.
All right, I will buy it! It'll be good for the economy.
You look great! Really? You like it? Oh, I'd love to wear this someplace special.
Sperlock's Cafeteria it is.
What about the symphony or the theater? Oh- What's the point of going out? We're just gonna wind up back here anyway.
Oh, Mrs.
Simpson, you are looking very prosperous today.
Might I interest you in some of our impulse items here by the cash register? Perhaps a crazy motorized wiggle pen? Look at the craziness.
- Attendant, I'd like some gas.
- Yes, I'm sorry.
- I do not speak English.
Okay.
- But you were just talking to- Yes, yes.
Hot dog, hot dog.
Yes, sir.
No, sir.
Maybe.
Okay.
Well, I can't pump it myself.
I'm calling Triple "A.
" I used to be a little overwhelmed too.
But it's not that hard.
I can show you.
Marge, is that you? Marge Bouvier from high school? Um, yeah.
Hi.
Hi, Evelyn.
How about that? Marge, you look wonderful! - And to think I heard you married Homer Simpson.
- I did marry Homer.
Come.
You must show me the pumps.
Ninety percent of the time if the gas isn't pumping, this is your problem.
Automotive skills and fashion sense.
Well, you've come a long way from the girl I knew nothing about in high school.
We ran with different crowds.
You had your debutante balls and skinny-dipping and I had my home shoe-repair course.
Oh, Marge, you haven't changed a bit as far as I know.
Say, why don't you drop by the country club tomorrow? Oh, and bring the family! You there.
Fill it up with petroleum distillate.
And revulcanize my tires, posthaste.
Bart, comb your hair! Homer, I don't think you should wear a short-sleeved shirt with a tie.
Oh, but Sipowicz does it.
If Detective Sipowicz jumped off a cliff, would you do that too? Oh, I wish I was Sipowicz.
Do I have to go? That country club is a hotbed of exclusionist snobs and status-seeking social climbers.
I've told you, I don't like you using the word "hotbed.
" Please, Lisa.
We so rarely get to do things like this.
And, everybody, everybody please be on your best behavior.
Bart, no grifting.
Aw, raspberries.
- Name, please? - Simpson family.
We're not poor.
Well, we're not.
Go on in.
They're expecting you at the clubhouse.
- Look at this! - Livin' large! Oh, my! I've always dreamed of coming here.
Everybody keep smiling, and I know we're going to fit right in.
Marge, you made it.
! And you wore that lovely suit.
Karyn, Gillian, Eliza-beth Patri-cia, Robert-a, Su-san, meet Marge.
- Hi.
- How are you doing? Pleased to meet you.
You look like such a happy bunch of people.
That's the trouble with first impressions- you only get to make one.
Th-That reminds me of a funny apron I saw- You know, Marge, your family doesn't have to stand in the alcove.
They're free to enjoy the club.
Uh, come on, kids.
Let's go sit in the car till your mom's done fitting in.
Eliza-beth is right.
Why shout yourself hoarse at incompetent sales clerks when you can get nearly everything mail-order? I won't eat anything unless it's shipped overnight from Vermont or Washington state.
We order our steaks through The New Yorker.
I have a sneaking suspicion that L.
L.
Bean and Eddie Bauer are selling me the same honey.
I get food through the mail, but in a different way.
Every month, Good Housekeeping arrives in my mailbox bursting with recipes.
Sometimes the most satisfying meal is the one you cook yourself.
Hmm.
That's very true, Marge.
One night, Wiff and I came home late, and we decided not to wake Iris.
Instead, we microwaved our own soup! Of course it was a horrible mess.
But Iris didn't mind cleaning it up.
Didn't everybody have a wonderful time? I thought it was so opulent.
Like the Playboy Mansion, but non-sexual.
That place is weird.
A man in the bathroom kept handing me towels till I paid him to stop.
Shoulda held out longer, boy.
- The rich are different from you and me.
- Yes! They're better! Socially better.
And if we fit in, we can be better too.
So today, while the rest of you were out being different, I did a very good job of fitting in.
So good that Evelyn gave us a guest pass.
They might even ask us to join.
Boy, Marge! You must've really done a number on those rich suckers.
Don't thank me.
Thank my beautiful new suit.
Fritz, you idiot! I didn't order a baloney sandwich! I ordered an abalone sandwich! I don't know what Mom's thinking.
This whole country club scene is so decadent.
All these spoiled brats and their smug complacent parents.
It just reinforces the unspoken class system of horses sitting on their high horses- I'm sorry! I gotta go! Oh, we've got a winning hand! We can take the rest of the tricks.
Oh, you'd better be careful.
The purpose of this game is to make friends.
You don't make friends by winning.
Still, there's nothing more popular than a gracious winner.
Don't ask me.
I'm just hair.
Your head stopped 18 inches ago.
Queen of hearts.
I believe all the rest are ours.
Oh, well played.
We could've stopped them if you had changed to a different suit.
I thought perhaps changing suits had gone out of fashion.
Eh, Marge? D'oh! Ho-ho-ho! Hoo-hoo! Ohh! Hmm! You know, Homer, the traditional way to cheat in golf is to lower your score.
- That's one way.
- I'm P.
G.
A.
Tour Pro Tom Kite.
How about I give you a few pointers on your game? - Now, you don't want to overthink.
- Not an issue.
- Keep your head down.
- Huh? Pretend there's no one else here.
And just go at your own pace.
Wow! Very impressive.
You're a natural, Mr.
Simpson.
- Really? - Uh-huh.
All you need is your own set of clubs.
And stay the hell out of my locker! You can keep the shoes.
Marge, did you know that Kennedy and Lincoln had the same handicap? Homer, please.
I have to alter this suit so it looks different for tomorrow.
Just slap some bumper stickers on it and come to bed, will you, Marge? Love your outfit, Marge.
The vest says, "Let's have lunch," but the culottes say, "You're paying.
" Why, thank you, Robert-A! Mom, look.
! I found something more fun than complaining.
! Marge, your family is fitting in perfectly here.
If all goes well at Saturday's ball I'd love to sponsor you for membership.
Oh, that would be a dream come true! I'll be there with bells on.
Bells? Where exactly will you be attaching them to that mangled Chanel suit? Oh, don't worry, Marge.
Her idea of wit is nothing more than an incisive observation humorously phrased and delivered with impeccable timing.
I'm sure you'll be a smash at the ball, and I just know you'll have a lovely new outfit.
- That's some fine chipping, Homer.
- Yeah.
Can you bank it into the handicapped stall? Seat down.
Hmm.
Who is that lavatory linksman, Smithers? Homer Simpson, sir.
One of the fork-and-spoon operators from Sector 7G.
Well, he's certainly got a loose waggle.
Perhaps I've finally found a golfer worthy of a match with Monty Burns, eh? Oh, his waggle is no match for yours, sir.
I've never seen you lose a game.
Except for that one in '74 when you let Richard Nixon win.
That was very kind of you, sir.
Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his "I can't go to prison, Monty.
They'll eat me alive!" Say, I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation? Unlikely, sir.
They-They spell and pronounce their name differently.
Bah! Schedule a game and I'll ask him myself.
This game could mean big things for me, Marge.
If I beat Mr.
Burns, I mean, really wallop him bad I'm sure to get that big raise I've been gunning for.
All right, but if you win, don't make a scene and dance around with your "whoo-hoo's.
" Please! We can't afford a single slip-up.
They're judging us.
Mwah.
Mwah! Mom, did you like horses when you were my age? 'Cause I heard- I don't know.
Lisa, tonight is very important.
Mommy has to alter her suit so it looks like a totally new one.
Mom, do you want to know the 15 reasons I like horses better than cars? One- I really need to concentrate on this.
Would you mind just- You know how a horse goes like this? - Mom! - I've altered this so many times, it's nearly impossible to- Whee! Whee! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Lisa, please! Hmm.
No! No, no, no, no! At times like this I guess all you can do is laugh.
I need a formal dress for tonight! You've come to the right place.
We've got classy duds up the ying-yang.
I call this one "Fantasy in Maroon.
" It's got some cigarette burns, but we can patch them up with Nu Vinyl.
It's a bit peppery for me.
Why don't we put this in the "maybe" pile? This was originally a Halloween costume but it found its way into my regular rotation.
Uh-huh.
Good morning, Mr.
Burns.
Beautiful day to be outside, isn't it? Rant on, Simpson, but your vainglorious boasting will only add savor to my inevitable triumph.
Yes.
Whoo-hoo! D'oh! Yes.
You're in deep "d'oh" now.
Perfect as always, sir.
Right on the green.
Oh, quit cogitating, Steinmetz, and use an open-faced club- the sand wedge! Mmm.
Open-faced club sand wedge.
You're four strokes behind, Simpson.
Oh, a cunning stratagem, sir.
It's curving right toward the green.
And it's there! He got to the green in one shot? How can that old man hit so far? Now, keep your head down.
Ignore all distractions.
Miss! Miss? Do you have a Chanel suit, or any other high-quality clothes? No, but we do have a shipment of slightly burnt Sears activewear coming in this afternoon.
Oh, I give up.
What time, and how burnt? Cripes, man! Can't you ever get to the green in less than two shots? Smithers, what are you doing up here? What are you doing with his ball? And all those other balls? Uh, there are no other balls.
Just these, uh, reptile eggs! Oh, step away! They're endangered.
These aren't reptile eggs.
You've been cheating! No matter where Mr.
Burns hits the ball, you put a fresh one on the green! Cheating? For me? Good lord, Smithers! That's patently unnecessary.
I'm one of the world's finest golfers.
In all of the years you've caddied for me, I've never lost a- Oh.
So you're not the best golfer here.
Wait till I tell everyone about this.
You stink.
Homer, Mr.
Burns holds a lot of sway at this club.
If you would keep quiet about the alleged decades of cheating I'm sure he'd support your application for a membership tonight.
Bull hockey! I don't care about joining this stupid club.
But does your wife? Ohh! I knew my kind wasn't welcome here.
Ooh! - Ahh! - Eee! Mom, you are looking fabulous! Yeah.
You look great.
You can do anything with that sewing machine.
No, I can't.
Come on, let's go.
- You mean it's a new dress? Where did you get it? - The outlet store.
Wow! Two finds in one store.
- What are the odds? - Call it fate.
Let's go! - How much did it cost? - A dollar.
Let's go! - With tax or without? - Without! Let me go! - So, with tax, how much was it? - Why do you always have to question everything I do? You look nice, is all.
- Homer, what are you doing? - Driving up to the main building.
- They got valet parking tonight.
- We can't drive this up there.
They'll see the dent.
They'll see the coat hanger antenna.
- Stop the car.
Were walking.
- But, Marge! Valets! For once maybe someone will call me "sir" without adding, "You're making a scene.
" I'm gonna regale everyone with my anecdote.
You know, the one I tried to say on the radio? Who's gonna bleep me this time? I'm gonna pose as an Italian count and get some old lady to leave me all her money.
I'm gonna ask people if they know their servants' last names.
Or, in the case of butlers, their first.
No, no, no! Not tonight! No vulgarity, no mischief, no politics.
Just be good! I'm sorry, Mom.
I'll behave.
I won't say anything controversial.
I just won't say anything.
Okay, honey? You kids should thank your mother.
Now that she's a better person we can see how awful we really are.
Come here, Maggie.
Oh, Homie, I like your in-your-face humanity.
I like the way Lisa speaks her mind.
I like Bart's- I like Bart.
And I like my old green dress.
I didn't have to spend our savings on this stupid gown.
Our savings? Don't worry.
I saved the receipt.
- We'll have a $3,300 credit at Chanel.
- They have beer and gum, right? Come on.
Let's go.
I wouldn't want to join any club that would have this me as a member.
It's okay.
Those snobs never would've made us members anyway.
Well, I wonder where Marge could be.
She's missing her own initiation.
I hope she didn't take my attempt to destroy her too seriously.
Where's Homer? And to think I spent all afternoon baking him this cake.
Mmm! I- Ugh! Mmm! I- Ugh! I pickled the figs myself.
- Hey, did you guys just come from the prom? - Sort of.
But you know, we realized we're more comfortable in a place like this.
Man, you're crazy! This place is a dump.
Oh, man! I'd be anywhere except this place.
That's for sure.
Shh!