All In The Family s07e15 Episode Script
The Draft Dodger
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us, we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days Oh, deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa-lee-la-lee-la lee la-la-la You take Suzy, I'll take Molly How-dee doo-dee-doo bah bum-bum-bum Archie, you're back! Was the store still open? They're all open! Silent night, holy night, best night in the year to make a buck.
- Archie, go back - Huh? - Go on, go back.
- What are you doing? You're home.
We're now up here.
- Ah, jeez, I think I know what's comin'.
- [LAUGHS.]
Happy mistletoe! Oh Not bad, Edith.
What've you been eatin'? I was tastin' the stuffing.
Yeah, let me see that again.
I think it could use a little more thyme.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Come here.
I wanna show you what I got.
A little present for that old joker Pinky Peterson.
I want him to have the lovely home-cooked dinner, you know, all the joy of Christmas, all that family feelin' that he's missin' since he's all alone in the world, you know? Oh, Archie, it was so sweet of you to think of Pinky.
- Yeah.
That way we get him all warmed up, Edith.
- Yeah.
Oh! I'm gonna give him a-- a heart attack with this trick here.
- [EDITH LAUGHS.]
- See? Yeah, see that? That's a little Santy there, you see? Now I'm gonna show you how it works.
You take the battery and you stick it in there like this here, and that starts Santy off, see? EDITH: Oh! And he does this here-- la-la Well, that's, uh It's a--it's a little disgusting, but you don't look at that, see what I mean? All you do is that you squeeze Santy's tie, and he does something funny, see.
- [MOTOR WHIRRS.]
- Oh, you're doing it wrong.
Wait a minute.
Something's wrong with it here.
- It needs-- [GROANS.]
- Oh! [LAUGHING.]
Archie! He squirts water! Yeah, I know, but don't laugh, will ya? Every time I get water on me, I gotta go to the john! - Oh - [DOORBELL CHIMES.]
[LAUGHING.]
I'll get it! - Merry Christmas! - Oh, merry Christmas! I'm looking for Mike Stivic.
- Oh, yeah, he lives next door.
- Ah.
But he'll be here any minute.
- I'm his mother-in-law, Edith Bunker.
- How do you do? - Why don't you come in and wait for him? - Thank you.
Here, give me your coat.
Oh.
Are you a friend of Mike's? Yes, ma'am.
My name is David Brewster.
Mike and I went to high school together.
Oh, yeah, in Chicago! Yes, ma'am.
Well, how is it we ain't never met you before? I've been living in Canada.
I'm just here for a few days for the holidays, and I thought I'd surprise Mike.
- EDITH: Oh - MIKE: Ma! Oh, there he is now! Come on! EDITH: Uh, there's a surprise here for you, Mike! I brought these presents, Ma.
Gloria says she'll be over in a few minutes.
- Here.
- I'll take 'em.
Thank you.
Hi, Mike.
David Brewster.
Man, how are you? - Oh, man, it's good to see you.
- Good to see you, yeah! You're looking great.
Yeah.
Hey, uh, y-you down here for good? N-No, not yet.
Hey, look! Remember this? [GERMAN ACCENT.]
Guten Morgen, Dr.
Beinhacher.
You sound effervescent.
[GERMAN ACCENT.]
Effervescent? Did you ever know me "vhen I effer vasn't"? Stick out the hand so the pulse I can ge-take-en.
Little bit lower there, please.
Thank you very much.
You was countin' up mein pulse? No, I was countin' up your bill.
Ya-ta ta-ta ta-ta ya-ta ta-ta ta-ta What do you think, Ma? How do you like the jokes? Oh, yeah, I love 'em, and I don't even understand German.
EDITH: David, why don't you stay and have Christmas Eve dinner with us? Hey, Dave, what do ya say? I mean, if you're not doing anything.
Yeah! That'd be great.
Thanks, Mrs.
Bunker.
Good! - [TIMER GOES OFF.]
- Oh, there are my cookies! Well, Mike, you make David comfortable.
I gotta go or they'll burn up.
- Whoo! - It's been a long time, huh? Oh, too long, Mike.
Hey, uh, aren't you taking a big chance coming down to the States? Yeah, but, uh, it's Christmas, you know? Felt like it.
Yeah, how 'bout your folks? Have you been able to see them? No.
The ol' man's not ready for that yet.
Oh.
Ho ho ho, merry Christmas! Honey, this is a friend of mine, David Brewster.
Remember I told you about him? Oh, yeah, David.
Hi, nice to meet you, Gloria.
Hi, nice to meet you.
I thought you were supposed to stay in Canada.
This week I'm your friendly fugitive from justice.
Hey, come on, come on.
Don't talk like that.
Well, put on a happy face.
It's Christmas Eve, and you're among friends.
There's no problem here.
ARCHIE: Oh, God, I hate starch in my shirts.
Except one.
David, have you met my father yet? - No, not yet.
- You're in for a big treat.
Conservatively speaking, if you know what I mean.
Oh, uh, look, maybe I'd better clear out of here.
No, no, no.
Dave, don't be silly! No, no, it's all right.
He's not gonna call the FBI or anything.
We'll just, uh, steer clear of any subjects that might cause friction.
Like politics or religion, sex books, movies war, peace, guns Okay.
Grapes, lettuce - Maybe you'd better leave.
- Yeah.
No, no, no, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
- Are you sure? - Everything's fine.
No, there's no problem.
Just sit down.
- We just won't say anything.
- Relax.
Enjoy yourself.
ARCHIE: starched shirt, I feel like I'm inside of a tin can.
Chinks must've invented starch as a torture for the white people.
Hey! Ah, merry Christmas, little Gloria! Mm, merry Christmas, Daddy! Step aside, eh? Merry Christmas, Arch.
- Who the hell is this? - Oh, uh That's an old friend of mine, David Brewster.
Nice to meet you, Mr.
Bunker.
Oh, you don't look like an old friend of his.
I beg your pardon? Well, you ain't got a beard down to your belly button, and you ain't wearing a t-shirt that says "kiss me where it counts" or nothin' like that.
Uh, I need my chair.
Oh, I'm sorry, is that-- Oh, I'm sorry.
I was sitting in it.
Yeah, w-will you get out from in front of it, huh? Yeah.
Uh, where are you from? Around here? Oh, he's from out of town, Daddy.
[GROANS.]
Where out of town? - GLORIA: Up north.
- Just up-- Where up north? Oh, well, a little north of Niagara Falls.
Oh, what, up around Rhode Island way, huh? Yeah, somewhere around there, Arch.
David! Before dinner, maybe you'd like to wash your hands or something? Mike will show you where to go.
Oh, no, he ain't having dinner here.
He's having Christmas dinner with his family in Rhode Island.
Oh, no, David's having dinner with us.
Oh, come on, Edith.
How big is your bird? Oh, almost 20 pounds.
Ohall right.
Okay.
Well, all right.
Meathead, I'll leave it to you, then, to cut down on your consumption tonight.
I've invited my pal Pinky Peterson here, and Pinky eats like a government mule.
Uh, look, maybe it's too much trouble.
Oh, no, no, sittin' an extra chair at the table is no trouble for me.
Do it, dear Edith, will ya? - DAVID: Oh, I'll get it.
- EDITH: Oh, okay, David.
EDITH: right at the head of the table.
So, what town are you from up in Rhode Island there? Oh, he's from Canada.
Oh! From Canada, huh? That's the other side of the Falls.
Oh, yeah.
Well, what line of work you in up there? What, are you in logs or whale meat or what? Arch, uh, w-what have you got here? - A toy for Joey? - No, no, no.
That ain't for Joey.
Let me show you.
No, that's, uh-- that's a little present I got for Pinky Peterson.
Now, don't bust it, will ya?! - How does it work? - Let me show you.
Works on a battery, you see.
You put the battery in there like that, and that starts Santy up doing this here, see? Well, that's a little disgusting, so you don't look at that, see? What you do is that you squeeze Santy's tie, and then he does something funny.
Go ahead and do it.
[MOTOR WHIRRS.]
Do it.
Didn't I see that in the trick store? Ah, gee, look at this guy.
Suspicious of everything.
Was he always this way? I mean, what is the matter with you? Can't you just-- Just a lovely little toy.
Will you do it? Do it! [GROANS.]
- Ah, jeez.
- [LAUGHS.]
Don't laugh.
I gotta go up again.
The hell with it! I won't go up.
Feliz Navidad, feliz Navidad Feliz Navidad, Prospero año y felicidad [SPANISH ACCENT.]
That's a song about Christmas.
Oh, gee, Teresa, don't be singing a song in Spanish at Christmas time.
God don't wanna hear that.
What's the matter, Daddy? Doesn't God understand Spanish? Well, God understands four or five languages.
Just that Spanish ain't-- what do you call it-- his first language.
Don't give me the constipated face.
The Bible ain't in Spanish! The world was started by Adam and Eve.
Not Desi and Charo.
Come on, let's not spoil Christmas Eve with all this religious talk here.
Hey, Teresa, you ain't met what's-his-name over here.
- Uh, David Brewster.
- ARCHIE: Yeah, meet Teresa Betancourt.
ARCHIE: Teresa, meet him.
- Nice to meet you, Teresa.
- Me, too.
Let me show you around.
Let's start over here by the mistletoe.
- DAVID: Oh.
- ARCHIE: Oh, Teresa! Can't you wait till you know him a little better? Jeez, them people are so hot.
[DOORBELL CHIMES.]
ARCHIE: Oh, that's Pinky Peterson.
I'll get it.
- That's Mr.
Peterson! - ARCHIE: I'll get it! - I'll get it! - I'll get it! I said I would get it.
Do you always have to come charging over like a police dog? She gets that from her nutty mother.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Before I open the door-- Now, listen, all of you.
Pay attention, please.
On holidays, Pinky sometimes, he's just feelin' a little low, you know.
So, if he starts talki'' about Steve, get him off the subject.
- ARCHIE: Make a joke about something.
- Who's Steve? Well, Steve is the only son.
He got knocked off over in Vietnam - [DOORBELL CHIMES.]
- Now, remember, joke it up, now, joke it up.
- Go on, answer the door.
- All right, all right.
- Come on in! - Merry Christmas, Arch! - Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas, Mrs.
Bunker! - Hey! - Oh, my! - That's beautiful! - Aw, ain't that somethin'? That's a pointer-e-setta plant there, Edith.
Oh, thank you! [LAUGHS.]
Now, excuse me, I gotta get the bird out of the oven.
- Let me help you, Mrs.
Bunker! - Oh, thank you! Oh, Pinky, come here, I want you to meet Teresa Betancourt from Puerto Rico.
- Pinky Peterson here.
- Merry Christmas.
How do you do? Merry Christmas.
Huh? Uh, uh, she's talkin' Spanish there, but, uh, she's learning English more and more.
She hangs around me, you know? Come here! Come here.
I wanna show ya a cute little present I got ya here, Pinky.
- Oh, that's very thoughtful, Arch.
- See that, eh? The--the--the little Santy.
Works on a battery.
You just slip it right in there, and that starts him off, see? He gives you the [GURGLES.]
So, that's a little disgusting, so you don't look at that, see.
All you do is that you squeeze Santy's tie, and he does something funny.
Works on batteries, huh? Yeah, I put the battery right back in there.
You can see where-- [LAUGHS.]
I gotta go now! [LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
What happened? Oh, I just pulled a joke on Arch.
- I'm always doing that.
- Oh.
I don't think I met you.
My name is Pinky Peterson.
David Brewster.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, son.
day of Christmas, my true love gave to me Twelve drummers drumming, Ten lord a-leaping, nine ladies dancing [MUMBLING.]
Five gold rings And a partridge Four calling birds, three French hens Two turtledoves ALL: And a partridge in a pear tree Thank you, Mom.
All right, all youse gather 'round over here, 'cause I want to make a what-do-you-call-it, one, like, a gracious Christmas toast.
Oh! I don't think I should drink no more.
I'm gonna get dizzy.
Nobody'll notice.
Sit down.
First of all, I wanna make toast to my lovely wife, without who life Oh Arch without who, down through the years - [EDITH MOANING.]
- Every year, I say "without who, down through the years," and I get this over here.
Oh, dear! I'll probably finish this toast when I'm in my grave.
I can't help it.
You're so sweet to me every Christmas.
What do you mean? I'm always sweet to you.
Now, will you shut up and get the turkey on the table, huh? Excuse me.
Next, to my beautiful daughter Gloria, the apple of her daddy's eye.
To my son-in-law Michael, who wormed his way into that apple.
Oh, don't forget Joey! Oh, Joey! No, I can't forget Joey.
To my little grandson, who's sleeping upstairs, thank God, so we can enjoy ourselves down here.
[CLAMORING.]
Let me have a little bit of this skin here.
- Don't touch my-- - I want a little skin! I want to propose a toast to the Bunker family for making me feel like home.
EDITH: Aw And I'd like to second that.
It's nice to be home for Christmas.
A nice toast, a nice toast.
Here, here! Here, here! Here, here! As the English used to say before they lost everything.
- [ALL LAUGH.]
- ARCHIE: Yeah.
EDITH: Everybody, just tell him to stop.
You know what? Christmas always puts me in mind of the Depression.
I'll never forget Little Stevie, one Christmas, he scribbled a note to Santa-- Oh, hey, hey, hey, Pinky, hey, how would you like to hear a swell Polack joke? - GLORIA: Daddy! No! - [ALL GROAN.]
[WHISPERS.]
Wise up.
All right, go ahead.
Go ahead, Pinky.
Anyway, little Stevie scribbled a note to Santa.
And he said, "Please, Santa.
"I'd like a punching bag for Christmas.
"And if I can't have one, I'll take a little sister.
" [ALL LAUGH.]
Yeah.
Well, what I wanted to say was that, uh, back in the Depression I'll never forget-- One Christmas morning, I come running downstairs, you know, I'm looking for a bike.
That's all I wanted is a bike, nothin' else.
I look around for the bike, no bike.
- What'd you get? - Heavy underwear.
[ALL LAUGH.]
And I cried.
And to this day, heavy underwear always makes me cry.
Yeah, and it makes ya itch, too! Edith, uh, private.
Private, huh, Edith? Uh, can't you never judge these things, huh? So, uh, you say, there, w-what's-his-name over there, uh ALL: David! All right, all right.
You got some heart-warming story for us, huh? Well, our, uh, Christmases back home in Chicago are always big family get-togethers, you know.
Chicago? I thought you said, uh, you was from Canada.
No, sir, I said I was living in Canada.
Oh! You're livin' up there.
Hey, whatever brung you up to Canada, anyhow? What's wrong with living in Canada? What's wrong with me asking him a question without getting an answer from one of you two, huh? - Well, I just don't like you giving him-- - Mike, please.
It's like what Mike said, Mr.
Bunker.
I'm just an American who prefers living in Canada.
All right.
There, you see? I got an answer from him.
Fine.
Prefers living in Canada.
The next question is what the hell you got in Canada that you ain't got here? [LAUGHS.]
ARCHIE: Pass the yams, huh? GLORIA: Here, Daddy.
ARCHIE: Huh?! What's the answer? Freedom.
Did you say "freedom"? Yes, sir.
Freedom.
Aw, come on, will ya? You got more freedom in the U.
S.
of A than you got anyplace else in the world.
This is "the land of the free.
" Did you never hear of that? Mr.
Bunker, for some of us, America is not free.
Well, uh, I think it's pretty free for everybody in this room and around this here table.
Uh, I don't know what you're talking about.
What the hell you mean by "free"? Daddy, would you stop giving David the third degree? - I'm not giving no third degree.
- Arch, change the subject.
How about some more peas? [ALL CHATTERING.]
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Wait, hey, hey, hey.
Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute here.
You know, I mean, uh, I kind of get the feeling that, uh, you know, you're all trying to shove something, uh, underneath the tablecloth - Where, where? - Don't be funny.
whenever I ask him what he's doing up in Canada.
It ain't like he's a deserter from the Army or something, is that? No, sir.
I'm not a deserter.
Well, I didn't think you was.
- I was just trying to figure-- - I'm a draft dodger.
What did he say? He said he was a draft dodger.
Well, come on, everybody, eat, eat! Does that mean you're a draft dodger from the selective service - of the U.
S.
of A? - Yes, sir.
Edith, hey, Edith, hey.
Hey, Edith, I mean, before you start eating over there, Edith, did you hear this over here? Draft dodger.
Fugitive from justice, you know, FBI? How'd you like the FBI having dinner with you? Oh, Archie, we ain't got enough turkey for them.
Come on, let's eat.
Wait a minute here.
Hey! I don't want nobody to touch no food here till I get an explanation of this.
Daddy, David doesn't owe you or anyone at this table any explanations! He owes explanations to the Army, the Navy, the Marine Corps, the Commander in Chief of the U.
S.
of A, the President.
Will you put the flag away? It's Christmas, not the Fourth of July.
- Ain't talking to you.
- I wrote to the President about it, Mr.
Bunker.
He just couldn't come up with as many reasons for killing people as I could for not killing them.
Well, what do you know about that? How do you like that, Pinky, huh? We got a draft dodger here that writes a snotty letter to the Commander in Chief.
I mean, what the hell do you do with that? Look, Mr.
Bunker, I don't want to spoil your Christmas dinner, so maybe I should go.
- EDITH: Oh, no, David! - GLORIA: Daddy, don't let him go! Certainly he's gotta go! What are you talkin' about? If the FBI was to find him here, we could all be having Christmas dinner in the hoosegow.
Daddy, it's Christmas Eve.
Now, don't go making a big crisis out of-- Look, Arch! What David did took a lot of guts! What do you mean a lot of guts? My own father doesn't understand.
Why should he? When the hell are you going to admit that the war was wrong?! I ain't talkin' about that war! I don't wanna talk about that rotten damn war no more! I'm talkin' about something else! And what he done was wrong! Saying he won't go! What, do you think that all the people in this country can say whether or not they wanna go to war?! You couldn't get a decent war off the ground that way.
All the young people would say no.
Sure they would! 'Cause they don't wanna get killed! And that's why we leave it to the Congress, 'cause them old craps ain't gonna get killed! And they're gonna do the right thing and get behind the President and vote "yes"! Arch, if my opinion is of any importance-- Certainly your opinion has importance! A Gold Star father.
Your opinion has more importance than anybody else in this room, and I wanna hear that opinion.
And I want these young people here to hear that opinion.
Now, you tell 'em, Pinky! You tell 'em! I understand how you feel, Arch.
My kid hated the war, too.
But he did what he thought he had to do, and David here did what he thought he had to do.
But David's alive to share Christmas dinner with us.
And if Steve were here, he'd want to sit down with him.
And that's what I wanna do.
Merry Christmas, David.
Merry Christmas, sir.
- Daddy - No, no, no, no.
Well, you know what I think we ought to do now? GLORIA: What? I think we ought to eat.
GLORIA: Yeah.
Let's eat.
Archie, please, sit down and eat.
No, no, no.
But Archie! It's Christmas! I can't I--I gotta work this out here today.
I can't think about that.
But Archie, you asked Pinky what to do, and you see what he's doing? You ought to do the same.
Come on! Please, Archie.
For me? There's a drumstick for ya.
Aw, Edith, I-- I ain't thinking about eating, jeez.
I'll take it, Ma.
Leave it on the plate.
Leave it on the plate.
Well I don't wanna stop none of youse from eating this nice Christmas dinner here.
So, you might as well eat it.
But I'll tell ya one thing When the dinner's over, I still gotta work this out.
You better remind me to do that, Edith.
OhI will.
All right, eat, eat, eat! Yeah, everybody come back for seconds.
Don't be afraid to ask.
CAROLERS: We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas Oh, they're caroling! Oh Good tidings we bring - [ARCHIE GROANS.]
- EDITH: Archie, where are you going? Ah, them people always want money or something, you know? EDITH: Well, give 'em some.
We wish you a merry Christmas Hi-- Hey, we're all trying to eat a Christmas dinner here.
Would you just all shut up? CAROLERS: Merry Christmas! Yeah, all right.
Yeah, all right.
M-Merry Christmas to all of youse, yeah.
But, uh, keep it down, huh? I--I don't wanna have to call a cop on you.
CAROLERS: We wish you a merry Christmas All In The Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
- Archie, go back - Huh? - Go on, go back.
- What are you doing? You're home.
We're now up here.
- Ah, jeez, I think I know what's comin'.
- [LAUGHS.]
Happy mistletoe! Oh Not bad, Edith.
What've you been eatin'? I was tastin' the stuffing.
Yeah, let me see that again.
I think it could use a little more thyme.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Come here.
I wanna show you what I got.
A little present for that old joker Pinky Peterson.
I want him to have the lovely home-cooked dinner, you know, all the joy of Christmas, all that family feelin' that he's missin' since he's all alone in the world, you know? Oh, Archie, it was so sweet of you to think of Pinky.
- Yeah.
That way we get him all warmed up, Edith.
- Yeah.
Oh! I'm gonna give him a-- a heart attack with this trick here.
- [EDITH LAUGHS.]
- See? Yeah, see that? That's a little Santy there, you see? Now I'm gonna show you how it works.
You take the battery and you stick it in there like this here, and that starts Santy off, see? EDITH: Oh! And he does this here-- la-la Well, that's, uh It's a--it's a little disgusting, but you don't look at that, see what I mean? All you do is that you squeeze Santy's tie, and he does something funny, see.
- [MOTOR WHIRRS.]
- Oh, you're doing it wrong.
Wait a minute.
Something's wrong with it here.
- It needs-- [GROANS.]
- Oh! [LAUGHING.]
Archie! He squirts water! Yeah, I know, but don't laugh, will ya? Every time I get water on me, I gotta go to the john! - Oh - [DOORBELL CHIMES.]
[LAUGHING.]
I'll get it! - Merry Christmas! - Oh, merry Christmas! I'm looking for Mike Stivic.
- Oh, yeah, he lives next door.
- Ah.
But he'll be here any minute.
- I'm his mother-in-law, Edith Bunker.
- How do you do? - Why don't you come in and wait for him? - Thank you.
Here, give me your coat.
Oh.
Are you a friend of Mike's? Yes, ma'am.
My name is David Brewster.
Mike and I went to high school together.
Oh, yeah, in Chicago! Yes, ma'am.
Well, how is it we ain't never met you before? I've been living in Canada.
I'm just here for a few days for the holidays, and I thought I'd surprise Mike.
- EDITH: Oh - MIKE: Ma! Oh, there he is now! Come on! EDITH: Uh, there's a surprise here for you, Mike! I brought these presents, Ma.
Gloria says she'll be over in a few minutes.
- Here.
- I'll take 'em.
Thank you.
Hi, Mike.
David Brewster.
Man, how are you? - Oh, man, it's good to see you.
- Good to see you, yeah! You're looking great.
Yeah.
Hey, uh, y-you down here for good? N-No, not yet.
Hey, look! Remember this? [GERMAN ACCENT.]
Guten Morgen, Dr.
Beinhacher.
You sound effervescent.
[GERMAN ACCENT.]
Effervescent? Did you ever know me "vhen I effer vasn't"? Stick out the hand so the pulse I can ge-take-en.
Little bit lower there, please.
Thank you very much.
You was countin' up mein pulse? No, I was countin' up your bill.
Ya-ta ta-ta ta-ta ya-ta ta-ta ta-ta What do you think, Ma? How do you like the jokes? Oh, yeah, I love 'em, and I don't even understand German.
EDITH: David, why don't you stay and have Christmas Eve dinner with us? Hey, Dave, what do ya say? I mean, if you're not doing anything.
Yeah! That'd be great.
Thanks, Mrs.
Bunker.
Good! - [TIMER GOES OFF.]
- Oh, there are my cookies! Well, Mike, you make David comfortable.
I gotta go or they'll burn up.
- Whoo! - It's been a long time, huh? Oh, too long, Mike.
Hey, uh, aren't you taking a big chance coming down to the States? Yeah, but, uh, it's Christmas, you know? Felt like it.
Yeah, how 'bout your folks? Have you been able to see them? No.
The ol' man's not ready for that yet.
Oh.
Ho ho ho, merry Christmas! Honey, this is a friend of mine, David Brewster.
Remember I told you about him? Oh, yeah, David.
Hi, nice to meet you, Gloria.
Hi, nice to meet you.
I thought you were supposed to stay in Canada.
This week I'm your friendly fugitive from justice.
Hey, come on, come on.
Don't talk like that.
Well, put on a happy face.
It's Christmas Eve, and you're among friends.
There's no problem here.
ARCHIE: Oh, God, I hate starch in my shirts.
Except one.
David, have you met my father yet? - No, not yet.
- You're in for a big treat.
Conservatively speaking, if you know what I mean.
Oh, uh, look, maybe I'd better clear out of here.
No, no, no.
Dave, don't be silly! No, no, it's all right.
He's not gonna call the FBI or anything.
We'll just, uh, steer clear of any subjects that might cause friction.
Like politics or religion, sex books, movies war, peace, guns Okay.
Grapes, lettuce - Maybe you'd better leave.
- Yeah.
No, no, no, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
- Are you sure? - Everything's fine.
No, there's no problem.
Just sit down.
- We just won't say anything.
- Relax.
Enjoy yourself.
ARCHIE: starched shirt, I feel like I'm inside of a tin can.
Chinks must've invented starch as a torture for the white people.
Hey! Ah, merry Christmas, little Gloria! Mm, merry Christmas, Daddy! Step aside, eh? Merry Christmas, Arch.
- Who the hell is this? - Oh, uh That's an old friend of mine, David Brewster.
Nice to meet you, Mr.
Bunker.
Oh, you don't look like an old friend of his.
I beg your pardon? Well, you ain't got a beard down to your belly button, and you ain't wearing a t-shirt that says "kiss me where it counts" or nothin' like that.
Uh, I need my chair.
Oh, I'm sorry, is that-- Oh, I'm sorry.
I was sitting in it.
Yeah, w-will you get out from in front of it, huh? Yeah.
Uh, where are you from? Around here? Oh, he's from out of town, Daddy.
[GROANS.]
Where out of town? - GLORIA: Up north.
- Just up-- Where up north? Oh, well, a little north of Niagara Falls.
Oh, what, up around Rhode Island way, huh? Yeah, somewhere around there, Arch.
David! Before dinner, maybe you'd like to wash your hands or something? Mike will show you where to go.
Oh, no, he ain't having dinner here.
He's having Christmas dinner with his family in Rhode Island.
Oh, no, David's having dinner with us.
Oh, come on, Edith.
How big is your bird? Oh, almost 20 pounds.
Ohall right.
Okay.
Well, all right.
Meathead, I'll leave it to you, then, to cut down on your consumption tonight.
I've invited my pal Pinky Peterson here, and Pinky eats like a government mule.
Uh, look, maybe it's too much trouble.
Oh, no, no, sittin' an extra chair at the table is no trouble for me.
Do it, dear Edith, will ya? - DAVID: Oh, I'll get it.
- EDITH: Oh, okay, David.
EDITH: right at the head of the table.
So, what town are you from up in Rhode Island there? Oh, he's from Canada.
Oh! From Canada, huh? That's the other side of the Falls.
Oh, yeah.
Well, what line of work you in up there? What, are you in logs or whale meat or what? Arch, uh, w-what have you got here? - A toy for Joey? - No, no, no.
That ain't for Joey.
Let me show you.
No, that's, uh-- that's a little present I got for Pinky Peterson.
Now, don't bust it, will ya?! - How does it work? - Let me show you.
Works on a battery, you see.
You put the battery in there like that, and that starts Santy up doing this here, see? Well, that's a little disgusting, so you don't look at that, see? What you do is that you squeeze Santy's tie, and then he does something funny.
Go ahead and do it.
[MOTOR WHIRRS.]
Do it.
Didn't I see that in the trick store? Ah, gee, look at this guy.
Suspicious of everything.
Was he always this way? I mean, what is the matter with you? Can't you just-- Just a lovely little toy.
Will you do it? Do it! [GROANS.]
- Ah, jeez.
- [LAUGHS.]
Don't laugh.
I gotta go up again.
The hell with it! I won't go up.
Feliz Navidad, feliz Navidad Feliz Navidad, Prospero año y felicidad [SPANISH ACCENT.]
That's a song about Christmas.
Oh, gee, Teresa, don't be singing a song in Spanish at Christmas time.
God don't wanna hear that.
What's the matter, Daddy? Doesn't God understand Spanish? Well, God understands four or five languages.
Just that Spanish ain't-- what do you call it-- his first language.
Don't give me the constipated face.
The Bible ain't in Spanish! The world was started by Adam and Eve.
Not Desi and Charo.
Come on, let's not spoil Christmas Eve with all this religious talk here.
Hey, Teresa, you ain't met what's-his-name over here.
- Uh, David Brewster.
- ARCHIE: Yeah, meet Teresa Betancourt.
ARCHIE: Teresa, meet him.
- Nice to meet you, Teresa.
- Me, too.
Let me show you around.
Let's start over here by the mistletoe.
- DAVID: Oh.
- ARCHIE: Oh, Teresa! Can't you wait till you know him a little better? Jeez, them people are so hot.
[DOORBELL CHIMES.]
ARCHIE: Oh, that's Pinky Peterson.
I'll get it.
- That's Mr.
Peterson! - ARCHIE: I'll get it! - I'll get it! - I'll get it! I said I would get it.
Do you always have to come charging over like a police dog? She gets that from her nutty mother.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Before I open the door-- Now, listen, all of you.
Pay attention, please.
On holidays, Pinky sometimes, he's just feelin' a little low, you know.
So, if he starts talki'' about Steve, get him off the subject.
- ARCHIE: Make a joke about something.
- Who's Steve? Well, Steve is the only son.
He got knocked off over in Vietnam - [DOORBELL CHIMES.]
- Now, remember, joke it up, now, joke it up.
- Go on, answer the door.
- All right, all right.
- Come on in! - Merry Christmas, Arch! - Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas, Mrs.
Bunker! - Hey! - Oh, my! - That's beautiful! - Aw, ain't that somethin'? That's a pointer-e-setta plant there, Edith.
Oh, thank you! [LAUGHS.]
Now, excuse me, I gotta get the bird out of the oven.
- Let me help you, Mrs.
Bunker! - Oh, thank you! Oh, Pinky, come here, I want you to meet Teresa Betancourt from Puerto Rico.
- Pinky Peterson here.
- Merry Christmas.
How do you do? Merry Christmas.
Huh? Uh, uh, she's talkin' Spanish there, but, uh, she's learning English more and more.
She hangs around me, you know? Come here! Come here.
I wanna show ya a cute little present I got ya here, Pinky.
- Oh, that's very thoughtful, Arch.
- See that, eh? The--the--the little Santy.
Works on a battery.
You just slip it right in there, and that starts him off, see? He gives you the [GURGLES.]
So, that's a little disgusting, so you don't look at that, see.
All you do is that you squeeze Santy's tie, and he does something funny.
Works on batteries, huh? Yeah, I put the battery right back in there.
You can see where-- [LAUGHS.]
I gotta go now! [LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
What happened? Oh, I just pulled a joke on Arch.
- I'm always doing that.
- Oh.
I don't think I met you.
My name is Pinky Peterson.
David Brewster.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, son.
day of Christmas, my true love gave to me Twelve drummers drumming, Ten lord a-leaping, nine ladies dancing [MUMBLING.]
Five gold rings And a partridge Four calling birds, three French hens Two turtledoves ALL: And a partridge in a pear tree Thank you, Mom.
All right, all youse gather 'round over here, 'cause I want to make a what-do-you-call-it, one, like, a gracious Christmas toast.
Oh! I don't think I should drink no more.
I'm gonna get dizzy.
Nobody'll notice.
Sit down.
First of all, I wanna make toast to my lovely wife, without who life Oh Arch without who, down through the years - [EDITH MOANING.]
- Every year, I say "without who, down through the years," and I get this over here.
Oh, dear! I'll probably finish this toast when I'm in my grave.
I can't help it.
You're so sweet to me every Christmas.
What do you mean? I'm always sweet to you.
Now, will you shut up and get the turkey on the table, huh? Excuse me.
Next, to my beautiful daughter Gloria, the apple of her daddy's eye.
To my son-in-law Michael, who wormed his way into that apple.
Oh, don't forget Joey! Oh, Joey! No, I can't forget Joey.
To my little grandson, who's sleeping upstairs, thank God, so we can enjoy ourselves down here.
[CLAMORING.]
Let me have a little bit of this skin here.
- Don't touch my-- - I want a little skin! I want to propose a toast to the Bunker family for making me feel like home.
EDITH: Aw And I'd like to second that.
It's nice to be home for Christmas.
A nice toast, a nice toast.
Here, here! Here, here! Here, here! As the English used to say before they lost everything.
- [ALL LAUGH.]
- ARCHIE: Yeah.
EDITH: Everybody, just tell him to stop.
You know what? Christmas always puts me in mind of the Depression.
I'll never forget Little Stevie, one Christmas, he scribbled a note to Santa-- Oh, hey, hey, hey, Pinky, hey, how would you like to hear a swell Polack joke? - GLORIA: Daddy! No! - [ALL GROAN.]
[WHISPERS.]
Wise up.
All right, go ahead.
Go ahead, Pinky.
Anyway, little Stevie scribbled a note to Santa.
And he said, "Please, Santa.
"I'd like a punching bag for Christmas.
"And if I can't have one, I'll take a little sister.
" [ALL LAUGH.]
Yeah.
Well, what I wanted to say was that, uh, back in the Depression I'll never forget-- One Christmas morning, I come running downstairs, you know, I'm looking for a bike.
That's all I wanted is a bike, nothin' else.
I look around for the bike, no bike.
- What'd you get? - Heavy underwear.
[ALL LAUGH.]
And I cried.
And to this day, heavy underwear always makes me cry.
Yeah, and it makes ya itch, too! Edith, uh, private.
Private, huh, Edith? Uh, can't you never judge these things, huh? So, uh, you say, there, w-what's-his-name over there, uh ALL: David! All right, all right.
You got some heart-warming story for us, huh? Well, our, uh, Christmases back home in Chicago are always big family get-togethers, you know.
Chicago? I thought you said, uh, you was from Canada.
No, sir, I said I was living in Canada.
Oh! You're livin' up there.
Hey, whatever brung you up to Canada, anyhow? What's wrong with living in Canada? What's wrong with me asking him a question without getting an answer from one of you two, huh? - Well, I just don't like you giving him-- - Mike, please.
It's like what Mike said, Mr.
Bunker.
I'm just an American who prefers living in Canada.
All right.
There, you see? I got an answer from him.
Fine.
Prefers living in Canada.
The next question is what the hell you got in Canada that you ain't got here? [LAUGHS.]
ARCHIE: Pass the yams, huh? GLORIA: Here, Daddy.
ARCHIE: Huh?! What's the answer? Freedom.
Did you say "freedom"? Yes, sir.
Freedom.
Aw, come on, will ya? You got more freedom in the U.
S.
of A than you got anyplace else in the world.
This is "the land of the free.
" Did you never hear of that? Mr.
Bunker, for some of us, America is not free.
Well, uh, I think it's pretty free for everybody in this room and around this here table.
Uh, I don't know what you're talking about.
What the hell you mean by "free"? Daddy, would you stop giving David the third degree? - I'm not giving no third degree.
- Arch, change the subject.
How about some more peas? [ALL CHATTERING.]
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Wait, hey, hey, hey.
Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute here.
You know, I mean, uh, I kind of get the feeling that, uh, you know, you're all trying to shove something, uh, underneath the tablecloth - Where, where? - Don't be funny.
whenever I ask him what he's doing up in Canada.
It ain't like he's a deserter from the Army or something, is that? No, sir.
I'm not a deserter.
Well, I didn't think you was.
- I was just trying to figure-- - I'm a draft dodger.
What did he say? He said he was a draft dodger.
Well, come on, everybody, eat, eat! Does that mean you're a draft dodger from the selective service - of the U.
S.
of A? - Yes, sir.
Edith, hey, Edith, hey.
Hey, Edith, I mean, before you start eating over there, Edith, did you hear this over here? Draft dodger.
Fugitive from justice, you know, FBI? How'd you like the FBI having dinner with you? Oh, Archie, we ain't got enough turkey for them.
Come on, let's eat.
Wait a minute here.
Hey! I don't want nobody to touch no food here till I get an explanation of this.
Daddy, David doesn't owe you or anyone at this table any explanations! He owes explanations to the Army, the Navy, the Marine Corps, the Commander in Chief of the U.
S.
of A, the President.
Will you put the flag away? It's Christmas, not the Fourth of July.
- Ain't talking to you.
- I wrote to the President about it, Mr.
Bunker.
He just couldn't come up with as many reasons for killing people as I could for not killing them.
Well, what do you know about that? How do you like that, Pinky, huh? We got a draft dodger here that writes a snotty letter to the Commander in Chief.
I mean, what the hell do you do with that? Look, Mr.
Bunker, I don't want to spoil your Christmas dinner, so maybe I should go.
- EDITH: Oh, no, David! - GLORIA: Daddy, don't let him go! Certainly he's gotta go! What are you talkin' about? If the FBI was to find him here, we could all be having Christmas dinner in the hoosegow.
Daddy, it's Christmas Eve.
Now, don't go making a big crisis out of-- Look, Arch! What David did took a lot of guts! What do you mean a lot of guts? My own father doesn't understand.
Why should he? When the hell are you going to admit that the war was wrong?! I ain't talkin' about that war! I don't wanna talk about that rotten damn war no more! I'm talkin' about something else! And what he done was wrong! Saying he won't go! What, do you think that all the people in this country can say whether or not they wanna go to war?! You couldn't get a decent war off the ground that way.
All the young people would say no.
Sure they would! 'Cause they don't wanna get killed! And that's why we leave it to the Congress, 'cause them old craps ain't gonna get killed! And they're gonna do the right thing and get behind the President and vote "yes"! Arch, if my opinion is of any importance-- Certainly your opinion has importance! A Gold Star father.
Your opinion has more importance than anybody else in this room, and I wanna hear that opinion.
And I want these young people here to hear that opinion.
Now, you tell 'em, Pinky! You tell 'em! I understand how you feel, Arch.
My kid hated the war, too.
But he did what he thought he had to do, and David here did what he thought he had to do.
But David's alive to share Christmas dinner with us.
And if Steve were here, he'd want to sit down with him.
And that's what I wanna do.
Merry Christmas, David.
Merry Christmas, sir.
- Daddy - No, no, no, no.
Well, you know what I think we ought to do now? GLORIA: What? I think we ought to eat.
GLORIA: Yeah.
Let's eat.
Archie, please, sit down and eat.
No, no, no.
But Archie! It's Christmas! I can't I--I gotta work this out here today.
I can't think about that.
But Archie, you asked Pinky what to do, and you see what he's doing? You ought to do the same.
Come on! Please, Archie.
For me? There's a drumstick for ya.
Aw, Edith, I-- I ain't thinking about eating, jeez.
I'll take it, Ma.
Leave it on the plate.
Leave it on the plate.
Well I don't wanna stop none of youse from eating this nice Christmas dinner here.
So, you might as well eat it.
But I'll tell ya one thing When the dinner's over, I still gotta work this out.
You better remind me to do that, Edith.
OhI will.
All right, eat, eat, eat! Yeah, everybody come back for seconds.
Don't be afraid to ask.
CAROLERS: We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas Oh, they're caroling! Oh Good tidings we bring - [ARCHIE GROANS.]
- EDITH: Archie, where are you going? Ah, them people always want money or something, you know? EDITH: Well, give 'em some.
We wish you a merry Christmas Hi-- Hey, we're all trying to eat a Christmas dinner here.
Would you just all shut up? CAROLERS: Merry Christmas! Yeah, all right.
Yeah, all right.
M-Merry Christmas to all of youse, yeah.
But, uh, keep it down, huh? I--I don't wanna have to call a cop on you.
CAROLERS: We wish you a merry Christmas All In The Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.