The Goldbergs s07e15 Episode Script
Dave Kim's Party
1 The '80s was the golden age of the house party.
If the music was cranked and the place was wrecked, your bash was a hit.
And it turned out I had a hot tip about the latest one.
Yo, J.
C.
, it's me, Adam.
- Corey's brother! - Not even a little bit.
Anyway, I thought you'd want to know about a rager at Dave Kim's this Saturday.
Let all your bros know.
Will do.
Tell Corey he's a dirty dog.
I'd fed the grapevine a grape.
Only thing left to do was wait.
Party at Dave Kim's this Saturday.
If there's no hot tub, we'll make one.
Party at Dave Kim's this Saturday.
There's gonna be 50 kegs, and Spuds MacKenzie is deejaying.
Party at Dave Kim's this Saturday.
I'll know if you don't show.
Hubba Bubba Soda? Do better.
Word about the party spread fast, until everyone knew about it.
Party at Dave Kim's this Saturday.
Well, almost everyone.
What the hell?! Who's telling everybody I'm throwing a party? They're the worst.
And it's me.
You?! Why?! Come on, Dave Kim! No one loves a kegger more than you.
And it's a keg party? Yep, all kinds of savory brewskis ales, lights, fruity ciders, light beers.
No, wait.
Those are the lights.
You don't know anything about beer! I do know your parents are out of town, and kegs attract popular kids, and that's what I'm looking for.
Is this about Brea Bee? Yes, it's about Brea Bee.
I know we had a moment while ice-skating, but I've barely seen her since.
Now she's back to her ivory tower with the cool kids across the room.
So you think that a party that will inevitably destroy my home is just the opportunity you need to reconnect? Will you help your best friend find love? Hell no.
I hear we're throwing a party.
Oh, no! Carla's got wind of it! Bitch, I am the wind.
And I've already got a theme mayhem and deep regret.
Oh, no! That's a winner! Who wouldn't come to that? I would, and hopefully so will Brea.
Someone's a nasty boy.
Ugh.
It's lunchtime.
I'm supposed to open the wing store today! Why are you doing this to me?! Brea Bee is just a girl! Just a girl, Dave Kim? She's gorgeous, cool, and likes theater.
Well, looks like your perfect dream girl just dropped her Trapper Keeper.
Allow me, madam.
Oh.
Thanks, Adam.
Ohh! Thank you.
in advance for my next question.
Which is, if you had to pick one word to describe how you party, would it be "hardy"? Like Dave Kim's party this Saturday.
Oh! T-That might be fun.
It's guaranteed to be a blast.
I'm planning it myself.
I want to plan.
The best part of partying is the who, what, when, and where.
Mm.
With a little foresight, planning a party can be as fun as attending.
I'm pretty sure me and Brea got it covered.
Say, my place around 4:00? It's a date.
Yeah, sorry.
I actually can't do it today.
But I'll try to make the party.
I know a solid maybe when I hear one.
Whoa.
Think she likes you.
- Really? - No.
But now this won't feel so lousy.
Oh, no! Wait! This is why you don't put yourself out there! Oh, balls! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was February 19, 1980-something, and my mom had no idea today would be one of the best days of her life.
- Mr.
Whitby? - Indeed, it is I, your cookbook publisher and well-regarded dog breeder.
Come on in! Oh! What an incredibly authentic residence.
Often, when I stare out at Central Park from my penthouse, I imagine this is how other people live.
So, you drove all the way from the city to belittle our home? Surprise! I brought your cookbook hot off the presses! It's not really hot.
That's just an expression.
But it is warm from me sitting on it so I look more imposing in the car.
Oh, my God! That's me! This is me! I guess we went with the one with your face.
Mom, you're on the cover of your own book? - That's so cool! - It really is! Am I in it? "Mrs.
Goldberg resides in the Philadelphia area with her husband and three children.
" This book is about me.
Can I have this? - For only $14.
95.
- Oh.
That's what we'll be selling it for at your signing.
A book signing? Me? We find it goes a long way when launching a new author.
Also, your friends feel too guilty not to buy one.
I'll make them buy 50 each! Much of the publishing game is about emotional blackmail.
There's also a tremendous amount of sexual intrigue.
Maya Angelou.
This guy's the real deal.
Oh, this deal is real, all right as real as my teenage daughter's restraining order.
City kids.
You two are lucky you're so simple.
I hate this guy.
Uhp! You sound just like my daughter.
Anyhoo, you'll be signing at the provincial book store in this sad little town.
I believe it's called St.
Ann's Book Dump.
I think you mean B.
Dalton.
That makes more sense.
Question as an important relative featured prominently on the back side flap, what kind of royalties can I expect? Well, I'm just gonna start talking and hope my sentence carries me to the door.
And I'm gonna start another sentence, and there we go! While my mom prepared for her big night out, I had to prepare my room for the cool kids.
Would a beautiful girl like these parachute pants? I see why they threw them out of a plane.
Tomorrow needs to be perfect.
And it will be.
You're throwing a party to land a girl.
I've thrown millions of shindigs, and they all went gonzo.
Gonzo's my favorite Muppet, so I'm in.
First thought don't mention Muppets.
Second thought throw this party the night a war ends.
We're kind of locked for this Saturday.
After I got back from the Pacific, I kissed a thousand nurses.
That seems like too many.
Crap.
The guys are here! Thank you for your fun ideas.
We'll let you know.
Are you sending me away? I just need you to step into a different room for, say, an hour.
I could pop down for some of your mom's monkey bread.
I don't need the details.
Bye.
There they are.
Well, welcome to party plan central.
Is it too late to discuss alternate venues? Yep.
Let's plan this beast, keeping in mind we need this party to be cool and inviting to redheaded 17-year-old girls who I know play volleyball.
I'll start.
A volleyball.
Here's something fun BYOB, "bring your own broom.
" My turn.
50 kegs.
Giant speakers that will blow out car windows.
A party donkey.
A no-rules foam room and a giant fish tank full of hammerheads.
Disposable shoe covers, like at an open house.
Ooh! How about a roped-off private area where two people can talk and get to know each other? Yes! A rope! Put that down.
We're humming now! Anyone else? How 'bout an oyster bar? What are you doing here? Making suggestions to get some enchantment back in this party.
What's with the old guy? And why is he suggesting sea vomit? Question what's the sexiest instrument? Answer? The oboe! Pops, I don't need your help.
But if you want romance, your pals are steering you toward disaster.
I know what I'm doing! Doesn't mean you don't need my advice.
- Pops! - Here's some more gold.
Turn up the temperature and watch the girls glisten.
I need this party to be cool, not sweaty.
And oboes and clams aren't cool.
Oysters! Why would you have clams at a party? Enough! I don't need your help.
I'll let my oboe guy know you won't be in touch.
As I left Pops feeling empty, my mom's cookbook signing was a full house! Mr.
Whitby, can you believe this turnout? Oh! I hope my pen doesn't run out of ink.
Well, just don't ask to borrow mine.
It hasn't worked since I used it to perform a tracheotomy on a man who, long story short, didn't need one.
Anyway, good luck with the reading.
Reading? I thought this was just a signing.
Oh, no.
You'll be reading.
Well, I suppose if my adoring fans demand it Whether they did or they just happened to be in the store, they got to witness maybe the first-ever dramatic reading of a cookbook.
"1/2 cup cream.
Two sticks of butter, cubed.
Toss into margarine until combined"! And once my mom got going, she didn't want to stop "Whisk gently with water until the clumps have dissipated.
" or stay totally on topic.
You know, I like to think I do for Parm what Madam Curie did for, uh well, whatever it is she did.
Should we be worried Mom won't handle all this attention in a positive way? Nah.
She'll be fine.
I have a husband and three children, and yet, today, my life began! While my mom embraced cookbook fame, I was bracing for the party of a lifetime.
Thanks for picking me up, Johnny.
Eh, it's the least I could do after you bought all those kegs.
Kegs? What are you talking about? You know, that money you left for me in that envelope in that drawer in your room.
What?! My Garbage Pail Kids emergency fund?! Honestly, who's worse me or you? Fine! It'll all be worth it when I wow Brea with these sweet Z.
Cavaricci pants.
I'm not so sure.
Is she into little nervous pirates? Doesn't matter, as long as Brea shows and we share a moment.
So, your plan is to wear lady pants to a party in the hopes of spending a quiet moment with a girl way out of your league? Admittedly, the plan has wrinkles.
And here's some more wrinkles on that old dude from your bedroom.
Pops? Hey, kiddo.
I heard what you said the other day loud and clear.
Then why are you here with that rolling battleship? I thought you'd want to take it to your party.
When you roll up with this baby, you'll be fighting trixies off with a stick.
You certainly know what a modern boy wants, but you're not even supposed to be driving.
Enjoy the Caddy.
I don't want the Caddy.
You got to take the Caddy.
Stop saying "Caddy," and stop throwing Caddy keys at me.
I know we had a rough patch the other day, but let me do this for my best bud.
I don't want this.
I don't want your help.
I just want to be left alone.
Okay, then.
I get it.
You don't want me.
Oof.
That was rough.
Hope you have the same presence of mind when Paula Abdul demands her pants back.
Dave Kim's party was in full swing and off the chain.
The place was packed, the music was bumpin', the shots jello'd, and that guy was shirtless.
This night was gonna be epic! Nice.
Dave Kim is quite the host.
I'm gonna take a shower in the master and get my night started.
The only thing missing was a certain special lady.
This is officially a cool party! Why isn't Brea here, Dave Kim? Dude, I've got my own problems right now.
Carla is playing a drinking game with my baby pictures! Look at you holding the football like you know how it works.
That's not all.
Those guys are wearing Villanova sweatshirts, and based on their facial hair and nonstop references to beating Georgetown, I think they actually go there.
I hope your parents have earthquake insurance, 'cause this party's gonna be rockin'! They have fire and flood, but their deductible is super-high! As the person who started this party, you need to do something.
Or we wait until Brea shows.
Yo.
Someone popped your parents' water bed.
Seems time-sensitive.
That's as good a sign as any.
Attention, friends.
This party is But in that moment, Brea Bee was in the house and all reasonable thinking went out the window.
the best party evah! Brea! Hey.
Wow.
There's so much going on.
How did you even get in those? One leg at a time, baby.
Then my mom has to latch all my buckles in back.
- What's your poison? - I'd take some water.
Hydration.
Nice.
Your body thanks you.
Well, I-I didn't mean to talk about your body.
I mean, you look lovely.
Probably 'cause of all that water.
Circled back.
Saved it.
Okay.
What am I doing?! I'm blowing it! I'm sorry! Is your romantic plan to destroy my house not coming to fruition? Maybe you can let me free and we can talk more about it! While Dave Kim's party was getting out of hand, so was my mom's grasp on reality.
Do I smell Mom's homemade chili cheese lasagna? Yes, you do, Schmoo.
My biggest fear used to be that I'd turn into my mom.
Well, I've been using your mom's recipes and having the time of my life.
We are two very different men.
Hello, BevHeads.
That's the new moniker I've given my legions of adoring fans.
- What fans? - And why are you dressed like Melanie Griffith in "Working Girl"? Those two questions have the same answer stardom.
Mornin', Jenkintown! - That's Matt.
- And that's Lizzie.
And we're here with cookbook author and local celebrity Beverly Goldberg! Oh, look! You're on TV! We can finally control your volume.
And she's with Lizzie, the human cup of coffee that starts my day.
So, what's next for Beverly Goldberg? I am just gonna ride the wild success of my book into, eh, housewares, beef, bikes, tax assistants, music, children's clothing, tiny, little scissors, bric-a-brac, Dutch ovens, TV shows.
I guess we'd better watch our backs.
Matt, look at me.
Look at all of this.
It will be gone.
Even Lizzie's gonna leave you.
Oh, we're not together.
Shut up, Lizzie.
We've all seen how you touch his arm.
Why would they air this? Again stardom! And things only got worse from there.
Lady, you can't park there.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
No, it's okay.
Famous author.
Yeah, after one successful local book signing, my mom became a monster.
Hey! Your dog just did his business on my lawn! You gonna pick that up? Oh, I don't do that anymore.
But here.
A real nightmare who thought the rules didn't apply to her.
Sorry.
Fame doesn't wait in line.
Uh, do you mind? Okay, just one.
In her mind, she was The Beatles of cooking.
Okay, this is for all of you.
And there was no slowing her down.
Whoo-hoo! Bookbinder's on a Saturday night with no reservations.
You really did it, Bevy.
Remember, when we're in public, it's Brittley Divine.
I'm sorry this table's reserved.
Uh, for celebs, yes.
For this party of four.
There's a waiting list.
It's about two hours.
I thought you said you had a standing table with complimentary appetizers.
I was gonna order two of everything, Noah's Ark-style.
All right, hand over the menus.
We're not going anywhere.
I am, 'cause this is mortifying.
I guess you've left me no choice.
It's me.
All right? Now, be a dear and go get us three iced teas and maybe turn the lights down in this section, because people are starting to stare! They're staring at you because you're a nightmare.
I'm going across the street to Long John Silver's.
I didn't realize we were so close to fried pirate fish.
Sit down, Barry.
We are eating here for free.
Clearly, this woman is very embarrassed and she'll do anything to make it right.
I'm calling the police.
While my mom's ego was out of control, so was Dave Kim's party.
There you are! Took me a while to get that water because someone ripped the faucet off the sink.
Oh.
Thanks.
But I'm just gonna get out of here.
What? The party's just getting started! Started? My mailman is in the kitchen, screaming that he wants someone to punch him.
What if I could calm this place down? - How are you gonna do that? - With this! People are always too embarrassed to do stupid stuff in front of a camera.
Turns out that wasn't the case.
Hey, world, check me out! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! I will never regret this! Furniture Jenga rules! Whooooooa! Stack 'em again.
I'm bleeding, but I can go higher.
Stop stealing! That's the Kim family microwave.
I have you on film! Mine.
I'm not sure the camera worked like you thought it would.
My mom's Franklin Mint commemorative plate collection! Those are worth a fortune or possibly nothing! Follow me to safety! What are you doing in our hiding spot, Johnny Atkins? Just takin' a breather.
- It's pretty rough out there.
- Johnny Atkins is afraid?! If he can't handle this, no one can! I say we throw "Goldnerd" out there.
They'll swarm him, and we'll make our getaway.
Ugh! Why didn't I leave?! I'm scared.
In that moment, I knew this was my chance to prove myself to Brea.
I'm gonna make a phone call.
As I was calling in reinforcements, my mom was about to be called out.
What's all this? You told me Barbara Walters was coming to interview me about my book and my cosmetics line.
No, that's a super-obvious lie, and the fact that you believed it suggests how out of touch with reality you are.
So she's running late? Bevy this is an intervention.
Oh, no.
Is Barry back on Strawberry Quik again? I can quit whenever I want.
This intervention is for you.
Me? What's my problem? You've become an embarrassing psycho.
Cookie break! I'm a psycho? Your boyfriend is dressed as me.
And I'm pulling it off.
And I'm pulling it off.
Since this whole book thing started, you've been shameful, rude, and dismissive.
And I want nothing more than to live a life of unearned celebrity excess, but right now, you're being total garbage.
I see.
I had no idea me fulfilling my dreams was gonna cause you so much pain and jealousy.
Jealousy? No one here is saying that.
You didn't have to.
It's all over your faces, like Strawberry Quik! I only do it on the weekends! Okay, I'm gonna go spend time with my real family my fans at the book expo downtown.
Can you hear yourself? Not above the roar of my adoring crowd.
The BevHeads are gonna be lined up around the block! Where are all my BevHeads? BevHeads? Your book was a minor local success, and only because your friends and family supported you.
But you knew that.
I did not.
That's hilarious.
Well, I've got a pregnant Great Dane in the car.
The party had trashed Dave Kim's house, and now it was taking to the streets.
They're taking our pillows, man! Why?! Why?!! It's best we don't know.
As hope and Dave Kim's belongings disappeared into the night, a friendly face showed up just in time.
No, they weren't in slow motion, and yes, half had their blinkers on for no reason, but that armada of Cadillacs was the most beautiful sight I'd ever seen.
Thanks for doing this, Pops.
And I brought reinforcements.
Five Cadillacs should do it.
Five? We started with seven.
Where the hell are Bob and Diane? I'm sorry I told you I don't want you around.
That's not true.
Aw, sometimes it might be.
You're a young man.
You don't need your Pops cramping your style.
I don't get it.
How are you always so understanding? Hey.
You're my best bud.
I know what's in your heart.
Yeah, me too, buddy.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a party to break up.
Come on, everybody! Let's ride! That night, Pops busted out the coolest party trick I'd ever seen.
Come on, come on.
He got a bunch of alte kakers to make it crazy-uncool! There were puzzles, bingo, pictures of grandkids, and plenty of butterscotch.
And, man, did it clear that party out fast.
We did it.
We totally saved this house.
That'll buff out.
As Pops saved the day, my mom discovered there was some interest in her book after all.
Excuse me.
Where could a BevHead get their book signed? What are you doing here? I came to support my beautiful wife.
Even after the way I acted? It wasn't your finest moment.
I'm so sorry.
I was just excited for you guys to finally be proud of me.
Are you kidding? We're always proud of you.
It's true, Mom.
And you got a book published.
That's not nothing.
Yeah, a book nobody cares about.
We care about it.
And isn't that what's important, not some stupid table at Bookbinder's? Here's the thing.
You don't need the whole world to love you, because you got a world of love right here.
Damn it, Murray! Why do you always say the perfect thing? Because you make it easy.
Hey! All you book dopes! Come on over here! My wife wrote an amazing cookbook! Brea.
You're still here? Yeah.
I think my friend left on a motorized scooter.
I can't believe I did this to Dave Kim's house just to impress you.
You ever consider just talking to me? Like that would work.
Give it a shot.
You might be surprised.
Okeydokey, Smokey the Bear.
Stop.
Enough with the weirdness.
Just be yourself.
Talk to me as a person.
Got it.
So you want to maybe get some ice cream? Sure.
You want to walk to Scoops? Or I could drive us.
Whoa! That's an enormous car.
Yep.
Almost as big as the heart of the guy who loaned it to me.
Turns out every story does have a hero.
Sometimes they show up in the end.
Sometimes they were there from the beginning.
That's the thing about the characters that fill the pages of our lives.
They're always there to lift us up and, in some cases, bring us back down to Earth.
And that can make for a pretty sweet ending.
Today we are here with the turtleneck-wearing legend himself, Dave Kim.
So, was there really a Dave Kim party? Well, I had told one person that my mom was traveling to Korea, and he told the whole football team.
Somehow the whole football team got invited to my party.
Anything else you want to say ruined? Any regrets? Uh, it's gonna, uh, show a bit.
What did your parents say when they got home? To this day, I don't think they even know about it.
Your parents watch the show, don't they? Okay, book guy, buckle up, 'Cause I got a few ideas guaranteed to be best sellers.
- Wow me.
- Think "The Shining," but instead of the hotel, it's the beach, - and instead of ghosts, it's hot chicks.
- Okay.
You know how people like the Bible, right? What if there was a sequel? I'm an atheist.
Dracula, but a book.
I have news for you.
A book of poems that's been hollowed out to hide nunchucks.
My people will be in touch.
And I'm far enough away now to tell you that that was a lie.
If the music was cranked and the place was wrecked, your bash was a hit.
And it turned out I had a hot tip about the latest one.
Yo, J.
C.
, it's me, Adam.
- Corey's brother! - Not even a little bit.
Anyway, I thought you'd want to know about a rager at Dave Kim's this Saturday.
Let all your bros know.
Will do.
Tell Corey he's a dirty dog.
I'd fed the grapevine a grape.
Only thing left to do was wait.
Party at Dave Kim's this Saturday.
If there's no hot tub, we'll make one.
Party at Dave Kim's this Saturday.
There's gonna be 50 kegs, and Spuds MacKenzie is deejaying.
Party at Dave Kim's this Saturday.
I'll know if you don't show.
Hubba Bubba Soda? Do better.
Word about the party spread fast, until everyone knew about it.
Party at Dave Kim's this Saturday.
Well, almost everyone.
What the hell?! Who's telling everybody I'm throwing a party? They're the worst.
And it's me.
You?! Why?! Come on, Dave Kim! No one loves a kegger more than you.
And it's a keg party? Yep, all kinds of savory brewskis ales, lights, fruity ciders, light beers.
No, wait.
Those are the lights.
You don't know anything about beer! I do know your parents are out of town, and kegs attract popular kids, and that's what I'm looking for.
Is this about Brea Bee? Yes, it's about Brea Bee.
I know we had a moment while ice-skating, but I've barely seen her since.
Now she's back to her ivory tower with the cool kids across the room.
So you think that a party that will inevitably destroy my home is just the opportunity you need to reconnect? Will you help your best friend find love? Hell no.
I hear we're throwing a party.
Oh, no! Carla's got wind of it! Bitch, I am the wind.
And I've already got a theme mayhem and deep regret.
Oh, no! That's a winner! Who wouldn't come to that? I would, and hopefully so will Brea.
Someone's a nasty boy.
Ugh.
It's lunchtime.
I'm supposed to open the wing store today! Why are you doing this to me?! Brea Bee is just a girl! Just a girl, Dave Kim? She's gorgeous, cool, and likes theater.
Well, looks like your perfect dream girl just dropped her Trapper Keeper.
Allow me, madam.
Oh.
Thanks, Adam.
Ohh! Thank you.
in advance for my next question.
Which is, if you had to pick one word to describe how you party, would it be "hardy"? Like Dave Kim's party this Saturday.
Oh! T-That might be fun.
It's guaranteed to be a blast.
I'm planning it myself.
I want to plan.
The best part of partying is the who, what, when, and where.
Mm.
With a little foresight, planning a party can be as fun as attending.
I'm pretty sure me and Brea got it covered.
Say, my place around 4:00? It's a date.
Yeah, sorry.
I actually can't do it today.
But I'll try to make the party.
I know a solid maybe when I hear one.
Whoa.
Think she likes you.
- Really? - No.
But now this won't feel so lousy.
Oh, no! Wait! This is why you don't put yourself out there! Oh, balls! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was February 19, 1980-something, and my mom had no idea today would be one of the best days of her life.
- Mr.
Whitby? - Indeed, it is I, your cookbook publisher and well-regarded dog breeder.
Come on in! Oh! What an incredibly authentic residence.
Often, when I stare out at Central Park from my penthouse, I imagine this is how other people live.
So, you drove all the way from the city to belittle our home? Surprise! I brought your cookbook hot off the presses! It's not really hot.
That's just an expression.
But it is warm from me sitting on it so I look more imposing in the car.
Oh, my God! That's me! This is me! I guess we went with the one with your face.
Mom, you're on the cover of your own book? - That's so cool! - It really is! Am I in it? "Mrs.
Goldberg resides in the Philadelphia area with her husband and three children.
" This book is about me.
Can I have this? - For only $14.
95.
- Oh.
That's what we'll be selling it for at your signing.
A book signing? Me? We find it goes a long way when launching a new author.
Also, your friends feel too guilty not to buy one.
I'll make them buy 50 each! Much of the publishing game is about emotional blackmail.
There's also a tremendous amount of sexual intrigue.
Maya Angelou.
This guy's the real deal.
Oh, this deal is real, all right as real as my teenage daughter's restraining order.
City kids.
You two are lucky you're so simple.
I hate this guy.
Uhp! You sound just like my daughter.
Anyhoo, you'll be signing at the provincial book store in this sad little town.
I believe it's called St.
Ann's Book Dump.
I think you mean B.
Dalton.
That makes more sense.
Question as an important relative featured prominently on the back side flap, what kind of royalties can I expect? Well, I'm just gonna start talking and hope my sentence carries me to the door.
And I'm gonna start another sentence, and there we go! While my mom prepared for her big night out, I had to prepare my room for the cool kids.
Would a beautiful girl like these parachute pants? I see why they threw them out of a plane.
Tomorrow needs to be perfect.
And it will be.
You're throwing a party to land a girl.
I've thrown millions of shindigs, and they all went gonzo.
Gonzo's my favorite Muppet, so I'm in.
First thought don't mention Muppets.
Second thought throw this party the night a war ends.
We're kind of locked for this Saturday.
After I got back from the Pacific, I kissed a thousand nurses.
That seems like too many.
Crap.
The guys are here! Thank you for your fun ideas.
We'll let you know.
Are you sending me away? I just need you to step into a different room for, say, an hour.
I could pop down for some of your mom's monkey bread.
I don't need the details.
Bye.
There they are.
Well, welcome to party plan central.
Is it too late to discuss alternate venues? Yep.
Let's plan this beast, keeping in mind we need this party to be cool and inviting to redheaded 17-year-old girls who I know play volleyball.
I'll start.
A volleyball.
Here's something fun BYOB, "bring your own broom.
" My turn.
50 kegs.
Giant speakers that will blow out car windows.
A party donkey.
A no-rules foam room and a giant fish tank full of hammerheads.
Disposable shoe covers, like at an open house.
Ooh! How about a roped-off private area where two people can talk and get to know each other? Yes! A rope! Put that down.
We're humming now! Anyone else? How 'bout an oyster bar? What are you doing here? Making suggestions to get some enchantment back in this party.
What's with the old guy? And why is he suggesting sea vomit? Question what's the sexiest instrument? Answer? The oboe! Pops, I don't need your help.
But if you want romance, your pals are steering you toward disaster.
I know what I'm doing! Doesn't mean you don't need my advice.
- Pops! - Here's some more gold.
Turn up the temperature and watch the girls glisten.
I need this party to be cool, not sweaty.
And oboes and clams aren't cool.
Oysters! Why would you have clams at a party? Enough! I don't need your help.
I'll let my oboe guy know you won't be in touch.
As I left Pops feeling empty, my mom's cookbook signing was a full house! Mr.
Whitby, can you believe this turnout? Oh! I hope my pen doesn't run out of ink.
Well, just don't ask to borrow mine.
It hasn't worked since I used it to perform a tracheotomy on a man who, long story short, didn't need one.
Anyway, good luck with the reading.
Reading? I thought this was just a signing.
Oh, no.
You'll be reading.
Well, I suppose if my adoring fans demand it Whether they did or they just happened to be in the store, they got to witness maybe the first-ever dramatic reading of a cookbook.
"1/2 cup cream.
Two sticks of butter, cubed.
Toss into margarine until combined"! And once my mom got going, she didn't want to stop "Whisk gently with water until the clumps have dissipated.
" or stay totally on topic.
You know, I like to think I do for Parm what Madam Curie did for, uh well, whatever it is she did.
Should we be worried Mom won't handle all this attention in a positive way? Nah.
She'll be fine.
I have a husband and three children, and yet, today, my life began! While my mom embraced cookbook fame, I was bracing for the party of a lifetime.
Thanks for picking me up, Johnny.
Eh, it's the least I could do after you bought all those kegs.
Kegs? What are you talking about? You know, that money you left for me in that envelope in that drawer in your room.
What?! My Garbage Pail Kids emergency fund?! Honestly, who's worse me or you? Fine! It'll all be worth it when I wow Brea with these sweet Z.
Cavaricci pants.
I'm not so sure.
Is she into little nervous pirates? Doesn't matter, as long as Brea shows and we share a moment.
So, your plan is to wear lady pants to a party in the hopes of spending a quiet moment with a girl way out of your league? Admittedly, the plan has wrinkles.
And here's some more wrinkles on that old dude from your bedroom.
Pops? Hey, kiddo.
I heard what you said the other day loud and clear.
Then why are you here with that rolling battleship? I thought you'd want to take it to your party.
When you roll up with this baby, you'll be fighting trixies off with a stick.
You certainly know what a modern boy wants, but you're not even supposed to be driving.
Enjoy the Caddy.
I don't want the Caddy.
You got to take the Caddy.
Stop saying "Caddy," and stop throwing Caddy keys at me.
I know we had a rough patch the other day, but let me do this for my best bud.
I don't want this.
I don't want your help.
I just want to be left alone.
Okay, then.
I get it.
You don't want me.
Oof.
That was rough.
Hope you have the same presence of mind when Paula Abdul demands her pants back.
Dave Kim's party was in full swing and off the chain.
The place was packed, the music was bumpin', the shots jello'd, and that guy was shirtless.
This night was gonna be epic! Nice.
Dave Kim is quite the host.
I'm gonna take a shower in the master and get my night started.
The only thing missing was a certain special lady.
This is officially a cool party! Why isn't Brea here, Dave Kim? Dude, I've got my own problems right now.
Carla is playing a drinking game with my baby pictures! Look at you holding the football like you know how it works.
That's not all.
Those guys are wearing Villanova sweatshirts, and based on their facial hair and nonstop references to beating Georgetown, I think they actually go there.
I hope your parents have earthquake insurance, 'cause this party's gonna be rockin'! They have fire and flood, but their deductible is super-high! As the person who started this party, you need to do something.
Or we wait until Brea shows.
Yo.
Someone popped your parents' water bed.
Seems time-sensitive.
That's as good a sign as any.
Attention, friends.
This party is But in that moment, Brea Bee was in the house and all reasonable thinking went out the window.
the best party evah! Brea! Hey.
Wow.
There's so much going on.
How did you even get in those? One leg at a time, baby.
Then my mom has to latch all my buckles in back.
- What's your poison? - I'd take some water.
Hydration.
Nice.
Your body thanks you.
Well, I-I didn't mean to talk about your body.
I mean, you look lovely.
Probably 'cause of all that water.
Circled back.
Saved it.
Okay.
What am I doing?! I'm blowing it! I'm sorry! Is your romantic plan to destroy my house not coming to fruition? Maybe you can let me free and we can talk more about it! While Dave Kim's party was getting out of hand, so was my mom's grasp on reality.
Do I smell Mom's homemade chili cheese lasagna? Yes, you do, Schmoo.
My biggest fear used to be that I'd turn into my mom.
Well, I've been using your mom's recipes and having the time of my life.
We are two very different men.
Hello, BevHeads.
That's the new moniker I've given my legions of adoring fans.
- What fans? - And why are you dressed like Melanie Griffith in "Working Girl"? Those two questions have the same answer stardom.
Mornin', Jenkintown! - That's Matt.
- And that's Lizzie.
And we're here with cookbook author and local celebrity Beverly Goldberg! Oh, look! You're on TV! We can finally control your volume.
And she's with Lizzie, the human cup of coffee that starts my day.
So, what's next for Beverly Goldberg? I am just gonna ride the wild success of my book into, eh, housewares, beef, bikes, tax assistants, music, children's clothing, tiny, little scissors, bric-a-brac, Dutch ovens, TV shows.
I guess we'd better watch our backs.
Matt, look at me.
Look at all of this.
It will be gone.
Even Lizzie's gonna leave you.
Oh, we're not together.
Shut up, Lizzie.
We've all seen how you touch his arm.
Why would they air this? Again stardom! And things only got worse from there.
Lady, you can't park there.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
No, it's okay.
Famous author.
Yeah, after one successful local book signing, my mom became a monster.
Hey! Your dog just did his business on my lawn! You gonna pick that up? Oh, I don't do that anymore.
But here.
A real nightmare who thought the rules didn't apply to her.
Sorry.
Fame doesn't wait in line.
Uh, do you mind? Okay, just one.
In her mind, she was The Beatles of cooking.
Okay, this is for all of you.
And there was no slowing her down.
Whoo-hoo! Bookbinder's on a Saturday night with no reservations.
You really did it, Bevy.
Remember, when we're in public, it's Brittley Divine.
I'm sorry this table's reserved.
Uh, for celebs, yes.
For this party of four.
There's a waiting list.
It's about two hours.
I thought you said you had a standing table with complimentary appetizers.
I was gonna order two of everything, Noah's Ark-style.
All right, hand over the menus.
We're not going anywhere.
I am, 'cause this is mortifying.
I guess you've left me no choice.
It's me.
All right? Now, be a dear and go get us three iced teas and maybe turn the lights down in this section, because people are starting to stare! They're staring at you because you're a nightmare.
I'm going across the street to Long John Silver's.
I didn't realize we were so close to fried pirate fish.
Sit down, Barry.
We are eating here for free.
Clearly, this woman is very embarrassed and she'll do anything to make it right.
I'm calling the police.
While my mom's ego was out of control, so was Dave Kim's party.
There you are! Took me a while to get that water because someone ripped the faucet off the sink.
Oh.
Thanks.
But I'm just gonna get out of here.
What? The party's just getting started! Started? My mailman is in the kitchen, screaming that he wants someone to punch him.
What if I could calm this place down? - How are you gonna do that? - With this! People are always too embarrassed to do stupid stuff in front of a camera.
Turns out that wasn't the case.
Hey, world, check me out! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! I will never regret this! Furniture Jenga rules! Whooooooa! Stack 'em again.
I'm bleeding, but I can go higher.
Stop stealing! That's the Kim family microwave.
I have you on film! Mine.
I'm not sure the camera worked like you thought it would.
My mom's Franklin Mint commemorative plate collection! Those are worth a fortune or possibly nothing! Follow me to safety! What are you doing in our hiding spot, Johnny Atkins? Just takin' a breather.
- It's pretty rough out there.
- Johnny Atkins is afraid?! If he can't handle this, no one can! I say we throw "Goldnerd" out there.
They'll swarm him, and we'll make our getaway.
Ugh! Why didn't I leave?! I'm scared.
In that moment, I knew this was my chance to prove myself to Brea.
I'm gonna make a phone call.
As I was calling in reinforcements, my mom was about to be called out.
What's all this? You told me Barbara Walters was coming to interview me about my book and my cosmetics line.
No, that's a super-obvious lie, and the fact that you believed it suggests how out of touch with reality you are.
So she's running late? Bevy this is an intervention.
Oh, no.
Is Barry back on Strawberry Quik again? I can quit whenever I want.
This intervention is for you.
Me? What's my problem? You've become an embarrassing psycho.
Cookie break! I'm a psycho? Your boyfriend is dressed as me.
And I'm pulling it off.
And I'm pulling it off.
Since this whole book thing started, you've been shameful, rude, and dismissive.
And I want nothing more than to live a life of unearned celebrity excess, but right now, you're being total garbage.
I see.
I had no idea me fulfilling my dreams was gonna cause you so much pain and jealousy.
Jealousy? No one here is saying that.
You didn't have to.
It's all over your faces, like Strawberry Quik! I only do it on the weekends! Okay, I'm gonna go spend time with my real family my fans at the book expo downtown.
Can you hear yourself? Not above the roar of my adoring crowd.
The BevHeads are gonna be lined up around the block! Where are all my BevHeads? BevHeads? Your book was a minor local success, and only because your friends and family supported you.
But you knew that.
I did not.
That's hilarious.
Well, I've got a pregnant Great Dane in the car.
The party had trashed Dave Kim's house, and now it was taking to the streets.
They're taking our pillows, man! Why?! Why?!! It's best we don't know.
As hope and Dave Kim's belongings disappeared into the night, a friendly face showed up just in time.
No, they weren't in slow motion, and yes, half had their blinkers on for no reason, but that armada of Cadillacs was the most beautiful sight I'd ever seen.
Thanks for doing this, Pops.
And I brought reinforcements.
Five Cadillacs should do it.
Five? We started with seven.
Where the hell are Bob and Diane? I'm sorry I told you I don't want you around.
That's not true.
Aw, sometimes it might be.
You're a young man.
You don't need your Pops cramping your style.
I don't get it.
How are you always so understanding? Hey.
You're my best bud.
I know what's in your heart.
Yeah, me too, buddy.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a party to break up.
Come on, everybody! Let's ride! That night, Pops busted out the coolest party trick I'd ever seen.
Come on, come on.
He got a bunch of alte kakers to make it crazy-uncool! There were puzzles, bingo, pictures of grandkids, and plenty of butterscotch.
And, man, did it clear that party out fast.
We did it.
We totally saved this house.
That'll buff out.
As Pops saved the day, my mom discovered there was some interest in her book after all.
Excuse me.
Where could a BevHead get their book signed? What are you doing here? I came to support my beautiful wife.
Even after the way I acted? It wasn't your finest moment.
I'm so sorry.
I was just excited for you guys to finally be proud of me.
Are you kidding? We're always proud of you.
It's true, Mom.
And you got a book published.
That's not nothing.
Yeah, a book nobody cares about.
We care about it.
And isn't that what's important, not some stupid table at Bookbinder's? Here's the thing.
You don't need the whole world to love you, because you got a world of love right here.
Damn it, Murray! Why do you always say the perfect thing? Because you make it easy.
Hey! All you book dopes! Come on over here! My wife wrote an amazing cookbook! Brea.
You're still here? Yeah.
I think my friend left on a motorized scooter.
I can't believe I did this to Dave Kim's house just to impress you.
You ever consider just talking to me? Like that would work.
Give it a shot.
You might be surprised.
Okeydokey, Smokey the Bear.
Stop.
Enough with the weirdness.
Just be yourself.
Talk to me as a person.
Got it.
So you want to maybe get some ice cream? Sure.
You want to walk to Scoops? Or I could drive us.
Whoa! That's an enormous car.
Yep.
Almost as big as the heart of the guy who loaned it to me.
Turns out every story does have a hero.
Sometimes they show up in the end.
Sometimes they were there from the beginning.
That's the thing about the characters that fill the pages of our lives.
They're always there to lift us up and, in some cases, bring us back down to Earth.
And that can make for a pretty sweet ending.
Today we are here with the turtleneck-wearing legend himself, Dave Kim.
So, was there really a Dave Kim party? Well, I had told one person that my mom was traveling to Korea, and he told the whole football team.
Somehow the whole football team got invited to my party.
Anything else you want to say ruined? Any regrets? Uh, it's gonna, uh, show a bit.
What did your parents say when they got home? To this day, I don't think they even know about it.
Your parents watch the show, don't they? Okay, book guy, buckle up, 'Cause I got a few ideas guaranteed to be best sellers.
- Wow me.
- Think "The Shining," but instead of the hotel, it's the beach, - and instead of ghosts, it's hot chicks.
- Okay.
You know how people like the Bible, right? What if there was a sequel? I'm an atheist.
Dracula, but a book.
I have news for you.
A book of poems that's been hollowed out to hide nunchucks.
My people will be in touch.
And I'm far enough away now to tell you that that was a lie.