The Neighborhood (2018) s07e15 Episode Script

1
All right, Carl, uh, looks
like your car will be ready
in about an hour and a half, but, uh
Whoa, whoa, there must
be a mistake, do we
not have your loyalty number in here?
Loyalty? I didn't know about that.
What?
Yeah, it it's the Fusebox
Signature Service
Loyalty Rewards program.
It not only offers you
priority access to our superchargers,
but you'll earn Fuse bucks,
which spends just like cash.
Well, that sounds good, I guess, but
But wait, there's more.
For a small monthly fee,
you'll also get exclusive access
to our Signature Rewards lounge,
featuring pastries and lattes
from Julian's Coffee and Things,
which you could enjoy
from the comfort of one
of our massage chairs.
Is it too late to sign up?
Well, technically, yes.
But I guess we can make
an exception for you, Carl.
All you have to do is
just, uh, push "Accept" and sign there.
[CHUCKLES]
Welcome to the family, Carl!
Go, go! Get in there.
Uh, Dad?
Are you sure we can afford all this?
Son, we can't afford
not to have all this.
We want the Fusebox to
be a high-end experience.
A destination, an exclusive vibe
that will take our brand
to the next level.
Dad, you have got to stop listening
to Mark Cuban's podcast.
We sign customers up,
we put them on auto pay
they forget about it,
next thing you know,
cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching.
Boom! We got a basketball team.
- Cha-ching?
- Yep.
Hey, Calvin?
- Yeah?
- We we got to talk.
Everybody keeps tipping
me in these Fuse bucks.
Oh, yeah, well, they
spend just like cash.
Well, tell that to the people
down at Jimbo's Chicken and Waffles.
They called the police on me.
And for what?
Welcome to the block,
welcome to The Neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
- Evening, Calvin.
- Dave.
I bet you're wondering why
I'm in such a good mood.
Nope.
Well, I am so happy
because I got in my car today
and the screen read "Error Code P-46."
I don't know what that means.
It means that I finally
get to bring my car
into the Fusebox.
[CHUCKLES] Dave, do you get this excited
when the dentist tells
you it's time for a cleaning?
Of course I do, don't you?
Uh, no.
- Hey, y'all.
- Hey!
Hey, son, how you doing?
Well, I got offered a head coaching job.
- Whoa!
- Well, all right!
You're finally gettin' your shot.
Yeah, except it's in Cleveland.
Oh, well, Cleveland's kind of far,
and it's it's a small market, but
hey, you got to start somewhere.
Yeah, but it's Cleveland, Tennessee.
- No!
- Ooh.
- Tennessee has a Cleveland?
- Yeah.
Not Cleveland, Tennessee.
My field hockey team
went there for a tournament.
It's famous because every Halloween,
a goblin appears.
Tall Betsy.
Not this again.
We all saw her, Dave!
I swear to God, it was Halloween night,
we snuck out and got drunk,
and a weird, tall, scary
lady came right at us.
You know, I think the
key phrase here was,
"Got drunk."
Oh! [CHUCKLES]
Good morning or afternoon.
I'm selling this delicious
gourmet popcorn
to support the Walcott
Academy scholarship fund.
The company was founded
by a Black female veteran.
Oh. Okay.
That's nice, I could give a
$35 for three bags of popcorn?!
Come on.
Tina, it's for Grover.
Fine.
Uh, thank you, Ms. Tina.
[MUTTERING] Go on, now.
Are you crying?
[SIGHS] It's just starting to hit me.
Grover is an eighth-grader.
This is the last year
he'll be in my school.
And this will be his
last popcorn sale ever.
Gemma, you have been getting
emotional about everything.
His last first day of middle school,
his last Thanksgiving pageant,
his last time sitting on the bench
for the whole soccer game.
[SMACKS LIPS]
- It's an emotional time.
- Oh.
And whichever homeroom sells the most
gets to have a pizza party.
And Grover's never won the pizza party.
- Hmm.
- But it's not gonna be easy.
You know Katie Friedman?
- The seventh-grader?
- Mm-hmm.
Ooh! Girl, that child is talented.
Honey, she sang "Defying Gravity"
and I was in tears, I mean
Yes, Tina, she wins everything!
She's a generational talent.
Ugh.
And the principal in me is thrilled
that she's in our school.
But the mom in me wants my baby to win
and crush that seventh-grade diva.
Okay. All right.
Say no more, Gemma.
Kay-Kay going down.
[CHAIR BUZZING]
Oh, yeah.
Ooh, right the right there.
Hey, now.
Now a little lower. Oh.
David.
You've been in that chair for 45 minutes
and people are waiting.
- [TURNS CHAIR OFF]
- Yes, I know, but
I just discovered that it heats, too.
And as a "SLERP" member
A what?
SLERP.
Signature Service Loyalty
BOTH: Rewards Program.
Yeah, I get it. As a SLERP member,
I get unlimited massage minutes.
Okay, but, Dave, we're packed.
And your car isn't even gonna be ready
until end of the day today.
End of the day? Marty, I have a job.
And my boss is a real stickler
- about punctuali
- [CHAIR TURNS ON]
Oh! Oh, my gosh. [LAUGHS]
It gets you right there.
Well, Dave, your boss is in luck,
thanks to our latest membership perk.
Yeah.
You can take our
brand-new EV courtesy car
out for its maiden voyage.
It's a Subaru Solterra.
[EXHALES]
- With all-wheel drive?
- Yeah.
- So, I could drive it to the top of a mesa?
- No.
You could drive it all the
way to your office and back.
Hold on, hold on.
Dave is getting the courtesy car?
Yeah, Dad, he is a SLERP member.
SLERP?
Yeah. Signature Service Loyalty
BOTH: Rewards Program.
Ah! That's catchy. I
like that right there.
Yeah. You know who else loves acronyms?
Mark Cuban.
[GASPS] There's my little salesman!
How much product did you move?
Two bags.
Two bags?
That's all you got for me?
What the heck were you doing out there?
Gemma!
- Calm down.
- Ugh, you're right.
I'm sorry, honey. Let
me see your sales sheet.
Did you sell yourself the
one you're eating now?
It's hard out there on the streets!
Oh!
Good afternoon, Mama.
Johnsons.
Hey, Malcolm, you're in good mood.
That is because something
amazing has happened.
The head baseball coach at USC
got hit in the head by a line drive.
Is he gonna be okay?
Hell no, he's concussed as all get-out.
Yeah, he can't even
remember his phone number.
And that's good?
No, Ma, that's quite sad.
Oh! [MUMBLES]
But here is the good part.
He's decided to retire,
and the athletic director's
already called me in for a meeting.
- [GASPS]
- What?
Oh, man, look at God!
I mean Oh, wait a minute.
- Not for the concussed man, you know.
- Yeah.
- We'll pray for him, but
- Yeah.
- Congratulations, son!
- Oh.
Thank you, Mama.
You know, it's not mine yet,
but I am the obvious choice.
- Uh-huh.
- I just have to do everything I can
to seal the deal.
Ooh! You should call Chili Mangold
and ask him for a recommendation.
Oh, I don't think so, Ma.
Why not? It would really carry weight.
I guess we do go way back.
And, you know, if he asked
me, I would do it for him.
Why would he ask you?
He's already head
coach at San Diego State.
I know he is, Mama.
Here's an idea.
Why don't you send Chili
some delicious artisanal
popcorn? Grover!
Good morning or afternoon.
It's afternoon. Go on.
Good afternoon, may I
Thank you, uh, Grover, but I'm good.
I I just bought some from
a little girl down on Marengo.
Cute smile? Big voice?
Yes. She started singing,
the pipes on that little girl
- I know, right?
- [MALCOLM CHUCKLES]
She a'ight.
Good afternoon, Mr. Kelter.
Call you Ted?
Uh, hey, if you insist
Ted. [LAUGHS]
What's that? My
record speaks for itself?
I can't argue with you there, Ted.
[LAUGHING] You got me.
Yeah, I'll have a seat. Thank you.
Ted, you know, your
hair looks fantastic.
[LAUGHING]
I do try.
What are you laughing at, Marty?
I don't know, what you laughing at?
Man, I'm practicing for
my interview tomorrow
and so far, I am killing it.
Oh. Good good for you, Malcolm.
- Thank you.
- [PHONE RINGS]
Oh. Oh, that's Chili.
Hey, Chili Mangold.
What's going on, man?
[RECORDING] Please
hold for Chili Mangold.
Okay.
[MUZAK PLAYING]
Break yourself, fool!
Chili, that does not
work over the phone.
Ah, you know you jumped!
So, perrito,
your message said there's an opening
at the top spot at USC, huh?
Uh, yes, there is.
And, you know, things seem
to be lining up in my favor,
but any help I can get
Say no more. Come on, you're the man!
Yo, Chili's Assistant!
Write Malcolm a bomb-ass recommendation.
Use big words.
Make Chili smart, eh?
Are you that Calvin guy?
- No.
- Yes, you are.
You're on my Fuse bucks.
Oh, you said "Calvin"?
I thought you said
Jaquavious. [CHUCKLES]
I'm double-parked outside.
I can't even get in for
my service appointment.
- Your guy says nobody's leaving.
- Which is crazy, right? Okay.
Calvin, I'm a barista on the edge, man.
Okay. [STAMMERS] What's going on?
I'm swamped, man. And
you see that guy over there?
He just ordered a macchiato.
Told me to "make it snappy."
- Yeah, I'll make it snappy, all right?
- Okay.
Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wow, it is popping in here.
Yeah, yeah, we're,
uh, doing pretty good.
Yeah, we doing pretty good. Absolutely.
That lady over there
just asked for a pup cup.
What is that?
Apparently, it's a cup of
whipped cream for your dog.
I don't serve dogs!
And you know what?
Hey, lady, get that
cockapoo off of my countertop!
- Wow.
- Uh, Calvin?
You know what would give
this place a classy touch?
Artisanal popcorn.
Yes, how many cases
can we put you down for?
Cases? Don't you mean bags?
Calvin, this is for a really good cause.
A pizza party for Grover.
Well, can't I just buy him a pizza?
[CHUCKLES] I'll put you down for five.
Oh, Malcolm! How did the interview go?
Mama, Pop, I knocked it out of the park,
if you'll pardon the pun.
However, Ted? Ted loved the pun.
So, you got the job?
Well, it's not mine yet,
but I blew him away with
my vision for the future.
And that recommendation letter
from Chili Mangold did not hurt.
- See? I told you so.
- Yeah, you did.
Ooh.
Uh, Dad?
The large gentleman
with no neck out there
wants to know where his vehicle is.
Damn!
- That's one person?
- Yes.
And we can't even finish
the service on his car
because all our bays are full.
See, this is the problem
when you make this
place a destination, Dad.
Nobody leaves!
You know what?
I'm just gonna leave it
double-parked out there.
You service it. I need a courtesy car.
Okay. Certainly, sir. I got you.
Uh, certainly not. Dave
hasn't brought it back yet.
Ooh. Uh, that's gonna be a no can do.
All right.
- Damn it, Dav.
- It's not Dave's fault.
You put in the brochure we have a fleet.
Yeah. It it was supposed
to read, "Up to a fleet."
[LAUGHS] Uh, Pop.
"Up to a fleet" is not a thing.
Get out the chair.
Hey, uh, Dad?
What do you want to do about
chocolate Hulk over there?
Is he still back there?
All right.
Pretty sweet ride, huh?
Don't tell your mom,
but I've been getting
a lot of interested
looks from the ladies.
Actually, do tell your mom.
Don't drag me into your thing, okay?
All right. Here we go.
Dave!
Oh, come on!
I need my courtesy car back.
You've had it for two days.
And your car was
ready at lunch yesterday.
Calvin, I thought you had a fleet.
Yeah, and you got the whole damn fleet.
Calvin, one car does
not make up a fleet.
I know what a fleet is.
Give me the key, Dave.
Think I don't know what a fleet is.
- You don't know what a fleet is.
- I know how many fleets
Oh, Malcolm.
Thank you for coming
back in on such short notice.
It's my pleasure, Ted.
I'm sure you're wondering
what this is all about.
Oh, I've got a pretty good idea.
- Break yourself, fool!
- Oh, my God, Ted!
[CHUCKLES] Chili, uh
[STAMMERS] What is
Chili Mangold doing here?
Well, I'm happy to announce
he is our new head coach.
[LAUGHS]
No.
Chili called to make
sure that I'd gotten
his letter of recommendation for you.
Uh, by the way, uh,
impressive vocabulary.
Chili's got words.
Yeah. [LAUGHS] I love this guy.
Anyways, we got to talking,
and it turns out he was
at the end of his contract.
Oh, he was, was he?
It also turns out I'm
the one who told him
the job was open.
Well, thank you for that.
Oh, but hey, hey.
Uh, he insisted that you stay on
in your current position
as batting coach.
- What?
- The dream team is reunited.
- Come on, papi, wiggle with Chili!
- No.
- Yes. Yes.
- No.
No, I will not wiggle
with you. Stop wiggling!
Wh What the hell happened, Ted?
I know did great in that interview.
You did. You killed it.
You should be very proud of yourself.
Oh, good. And and that pride
pays exactly how much, Ted?
Well, you can't really, um, put
a price on something like that.
[CHUCKLES]
You know what? I can. Zero!
[STAMMERS] Okay. All right.
I can tell you're a
little upset, and I get it.
- Oh, do you?
- TED: Yeah.
- Do you, Ted?
- Yeah.
[STAMMERS] Because I know these players.
I know how to get the best out of them.
I love this program.
Chili only loves Chili.
Chili's not really loving
his new batting coach.
Malcolm,
maybe you should calm
down before you say something
that you might regret.
Oh, that's a good call, Ted.
- TED: Yeah. Yeah.
- You know why? Because
I might regret if I said,
um, you're a terrible athletic director.
Or that the players don't respect you.
Or that that bath mat on your head is
not fooling anybody.
What do you know?
I don't regret saying any of that.
This hair came from Turkey!
Chili, thank you so much
for the generous offer
of the job that I already have.
But you know what?
I will not waste another moment
of my time or my talent here.
Man, you know what?
I quit!
Break yourself, fool!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
I'm gonna need that
to get out of garage.
[DOOR OPENS]
Hey, honey.
What's wrong?
It's my stupid car.
It's not fixed?
No, it is fixed.
I just miss the Solterra.
And Calvin kicked me
out of the SLERP club.
This is what rock bottom looks like.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
But if you want to hear some good news,
Grover's class is so close
to winning the pizza party.
Oh, God
What?
Um
Mom, I
I really don't want to win the contest.
What? Well, why not, buddy?
I mean, you know, the
party is like a little kid thing.
The pizza is, frankly, ass
Language!
Sorry.
But, you know, you have to
stay after school for the party,
and everyone in the class
will know it's my fault if we win.
You know what? I get it.
Believe it or not,
I was not as cool as I am
now when I was your age.
Why wouldn't he believe that?
Anyway, can you just
let Katie Friedman win?
It's embarrassing enough
being the principal's kid without this.
Oh.
Well, well, well.
Who's the embarrassing parent now?
It's still you.
Okay, so we're agreed.
We're not accepting any new
Slerpys, and only drip coffee is free.
Oh. Well, it's a good
thing that I put in
"terms and conditions
subject to change at any time."
- [CHUCKLES]
- Wait, it says that?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It, uh
It does now.
Great news, everybody!
- Oh, congratulations!
- Hey! Well, all right.
Here he is, our new head coach!
Nope! Chili Mangold
swooped in and took it from me.
That dirty, backstabbing rat.
You know, I knew we couldn't trust him!
Why the hell would you call him?
So, what's the great news?
The great news is, I quit my job.
ALL: Say what now?
I quit.
Look, I was insane to devote
my life to an organization
that values a showboat like him
over a person with
talent and passion like me.
So, is it too late to call
the Cleveland place?
You know, the, uh, Big Betty people?
That's Tall Betsy, Pop.
And, uh, no.
I will not be getting a
good recommendation.
But that's okay.
Look, baseball was leading me nowhere.
I just couldn't see it.
Until now. And now
I see everything.
Uh, how do you see paying rent?
Calvin!
Leave him alone.
- Here, just drink some wine.
- Look, look.
I'm I'm telling you all,
that that baseball hitting
our coach in the head,
that was the best thing
that ever happened.
Again, not to him. That was quite sad.
But to me.
Okay, so what are you gonna do?
[SIGHS]
Anything. [POPS TONGUE]
Did the ball hit him in the head, too?