Two and a Half Men s07e15 Episode Script

Previously on Two and a Half Men: Why were you in jail? I was forced to defend a lady's honor.
- So I don't have to go back to jail? - Not even a courtroom.
We're having a nature ride and barbecue for the kids Saturday.
You should come.
- That sounds wonderful.
Doesn't it? - You let her go without you? Why would I want to go? Maybe you didn't notice the way my lawyer was looking at your fiancée.
- What are you talking about? - Or the way she looked at him.
Charlie, that guy is everything you're not.
- Where is she, Alan? - Don't work yourself into a tizzy.
A tizzy? I don't have tizzies.
Women have tizzies.
You have tizzies.
Me, I am outraged, I am furious.
I am I am Miffed? Do not complete my sentences if you don't grasp the concept.
- Sorry.
- She should've been home hours ago.
- I'm sure there's a good explanation.
- And what would that be? Well, after the barbecue ended, Chelsea stayed behind to help clean up then she and Brad got to talking about all the things they have in common: Their love of horses, children.
Probably just lost track of time because he's so easy to talk to not to mention how good-looking he is.
Or she got diarrhea.
Maybe she called.
Oh, look, there's two messages.
Hi, I'm calling for Alan Harper.
This is Jenny from Malibu Day Spa.
Just wanted to confirm your Saturday appointment for a bikini wax.
Bikini wax? I wear a European cut bathing suit, I like to keep it tidy down there.
Anyway, I'm sure the next one is Chelsea.
Hi, Mr.
Harper.
This is Jenny again.
Just a reminder, we can no longer accept a personal check from you I should've just gone with her to that charity thing.
With effort, you wouldn't be in this situation.
I'll bet she knew I wouldn't go when she asked me.
I bet she was counting on me not going so she could be alone with this Brad.
- Chelsea would do something like that? - Why not? That's what I'd do.
I mean, hypothetically.
If I were ever in that situation.
Again.
Right.
Point is, I've been honest through this whole thing.
She's the one who's deceitful.
She's nothing but a manipulative, calculating, two-faced - Hey, honey.
- Oh, hi, baby.
- How was the party? - It was great.
There was 80 kids taking turns riding a horse for the first time in their lives.
- So, what, there was just one horse? - No.
Good, because that would've been a tough day for the horse.
Sorry I'm late, but after we got the kids back on the buses a bunch of us helped clean up.
- Yeah, yeah, that's what I figured.
Anyway, I'm beat.
I wanna jump in the shower and go to bed.
Okay, I'll be right up.
- Night, Alan.
- Night.
Glad you had a good time.
Well done.
You sublimated your anger and came from a place of love.
Took the high road.
Really? Is that what you call it? Because I call it a complete and total betrayal of my testicles.
If you'd done it as much as I had, you'd call it the high road.
Hey, Chels? So when you say a bunch of you stayed to clean up how many are you talking about? - I don't know, a couple.
Uh-huh.
You know, technically a couple is two.
So there were two people in addition to you and Brad, or just you and Brad? - What are you getting at? - Nothing.
Trying to get a head count.
- You could've come with me, you know.
- I know.
It'd be nice for us to do some things together once in a while.
We do plenty of things together.
- Besides sex.
- Oh.
When Brad's wife was alive they played tennis.
Probably what killed her.
She was hit by a car.
Maybe she was chasing a tennis ball.
You know, like a dog.
You throw it, they run after it.
Even if there's traffic.
Goofy dogs.
What the hell is that? Two guys in a cage beating the snot out of each other.
I can't believe I wasted so many years watching cartoons.
Turn it down.
Aye, aye, Captain Douche.
- What'd you say? - Aye, aye, captain.
I'll do that.
Why are you on the couch? You have a fight? No, we didn't have a fight.
Were you farting in your sleep? - No.
- Did you screw up the sex? What the hell are you talking about? There's more than one way to satisfy a woman.
Really? Like what? I'm not sure.
But I have some theories.
Get out.
Fine.
We wouldn't have problems if you put a TV in my room.
We wouldn't have these problems if I put a python in your room.
Touché, douché.
- What? - I said touché, douché.
I really can't stay Baby, it's cold outside I got to go away Baby, it's cold outside You mind? I'm trying to sleep.
Hey, I didn't see you there.
- What did you do? - I don't wanna talk about it.
Fine.
I'm not one to pry.
- Money? - No.
- Old girlfriend? - No.
- She find those Polaroids? - No.
How'd you know about the Polaroids? You just told me, you dirtbag.
So, what did you do? Try to sneak in at 2 a.
m.
Smelling of booze and pole dancer? For your information, Chelsea's the one who came home late.
And she was smelling of horse.
Good Lord, Charlie, you can't compete with a horse.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Seriously, I've seen your talliwacker.
You're blessed but you ain't no Seabiscuit.
When have you seen my talliwacker? Oh, I don't know, maybe the nine or 10 times I found you passed out in your bathtub, holding it like it was a floatation device.
Oh.
I'm sorry about that.
Don't be.
Mmm, boy.
Breakfast, the most important meal of the day.
Three scrambled egg whites two slices of I Can't Believe It's Not Buttered rye toast and to flush it through me a piping-hot cup of freshly ground coffee.
Shut that thing off.
So decaf? - Don't push me.
I'm not in the mood.
- Did you sleep on the couch last night? - What's it to you? - Oh, Charlie, what'd you do? - Nothing.
- Nothing? I may have compared Brad's recently deceased wife to a ball-chasing dog.
Whose balls? Tennis balls.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
All right, while this is admittedly a bump in the road you do have an opportunity here to improve your relationship with Chelsea.
How do you figure? Think about it.
The reason you're threatened by Brad is because he's a much better man than you.
No, he's not.
I would never come on to another guy's fiancée.
First, we don't know that he's come on to Chelsea.
Secondly, I've seen you hit on a bride walking down the aisle.
That was a joke.
I asked her what she was doing later.
Everybody laughed.
My point is, if Chelsea's looking for a better guy why not make that guy you? Because I'm not a better guy than me.
Not yet.
But you do have something going for you that Brad doesn't.
- What's that? - Room to improve.
Lots and lots of room to improve.
Thanks, you've filled me with optimism.
Keep in mind, you're the underdog.
Everybody loves an underdog.
Then how come nobody loves you? The principle is still sound.
Just go up there and tell Chelsea you know you're a flawed human, but you'll spend the rest of your life trying to be better because she deserves the best.
So lie.
Don't lie.
Don't you think you're a flawed human being? Of course I do.
But I know me.
I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life doing anything, let alone trying to be a better human being.
Oh, come on, Charlie.
Look at every New Year's resolution I've ever made.
I've got the best of intentions, but by January 3rd or 4th there I am: Broke, hung-over and coughing up stripper glitter.
Okay, lie.
Hey, Chels, I brought you some orange juice.
Thank you.
Is there any coffee? No, no, my stupid brother broke the grinder.
There's vodka in this orange juice.
Whoopsie, that's mine.
It's 8:00 in the morning.
Hence the orange juice.
So listen, I wanted to apologize again about my unfortunate remarks last night.
And tell you I love you and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to be a better man, because you deserve the best.
Well, I appreciate you saying that.
So we're good? Yeah.
Great.
What do you wanna do today? Whatever makes you happy.
- Really? - I'll go anywhere, I'll do anything.
Of course, you'll have to drive.
I was going to Beverly Hills for this charity blood drive.
Great.
We'll give blood together.
Nothing I like better on a Sunday than tapping a vein for a good cause.
Terrific.
Brad'll be happy to see us.
- Brad? - It's his charity.
He's got another charity? What the hell is this guy's problem? It's not a problem, Charlie.
He's a caring and compassionate man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's a freaking saint.
And you were planning on seeing him again.
Well, yeah.
He told me about the blood drive last night.
Right, right, while you were "cleaning up.
" What's "this"? Oh, I think you know what "this" is.
Just go to hell.
I'm not the one sneaking around, seeing somebody behind my fiancé's back.
I am not sneaking around.
I asked you to go with me.
Figuring that I wouldn't.
Very sneaky.
Drop dead.
Fixed it.
So when are you gonna call Chelsea and tell her you're sorry? Okay, first of all, I have nothing to be sorry about.
I am not gonna discuss my life with someone whose girlfriend is a gym sock.
Wow, no wonder she left.
You just lash out for no reason.
Hello? Out here.
That's my reason.
Boo-hoo.
When are you gonna stop blaming your problems on your mommy? Charlie, where's your bride-to-be? We were gonna finalize the guest list.
- She's not here.
- She told him to go to hell.
Will you please shut up? Oh, Charles, what did you do? - I didn't do anything.
- He slept on the couch last night.
Nobody's talking to you.
And this is what we've been living with.
Stop heating your socks in the microwave, you little freak.
Charlie, please don't let this girl get away.
Don't worry, I won't.
Good, because she's one in a million and you're a dime a dozen.
Yeah, but I'm the underdog and everybody loves the underdog.
Oh, God, now you sound like your brother.
How do you plan on getting her back? I'm gonna become a better man.
Great, so no plan at all.
Later on tonight it gets windy, even in Southern California.
By tomorrow, watch those passes coming down through the Grapevine What's the forecast? High tonight, low tomorrow.
A hundred percent chance of hangover.
Heard from Chelsea? She's staying with her father for a few days.
At least that's what she e-mailed me.
You don't think she could be with? Go ahead, say it.
Brad.
You know what? If she is, fine.
Good riddance.
I was never meant to be tied down to one woman anyway.
Well, you are by nature a free spirit.
I miss her, Alan! I can't live without her! And you don't have to.
Remember our talk? Becoming a better man? Screw it! I'm as good as I'm ever gonna be! - Lf she doesn't like it, the hell with her! - That is true.
In a healthy relationship your partner accepts you for who you are.
Oh, she deserves better than me, Alan.
She's such a wonderful gal.
I know.
I know.
She's like an angel.
She sure is.
Then why is she running off with Brad? We don't know that she's running off with anyone.
This is not angel behavior, Alan.
You know what kind of behavior this is? Charlie behavior.
I took an angel and I turned her into me! Charlie? I can't sleep in my bed, it smells like Chelsea.
Okay, well, why don't you stay here and I'll go sleep in your room? - No, no, no, don't go.
I don't wanna be alone.
All right.
You're wearing pajama bottoms, right? Shh.
Exactly how drunk are you? Both questions asked and answered.
What? Oh, hi, Chelsea.
No.
No, he's up.
Or not.
Hang on, I'll find him.
Charlie? Charlie? Found him.
Hold on.
Hey, Charlie.
- What? - You got a phone call.
- I'll call back.
- It's your fiancée.
Oh, hey, baby.
No, no.
No, I've been up for a while.
So how are you? Uh-huh.
What's going on? Man, you'll do anything not to kick in a little rent, won't you? Are you coming home? I really miss you.
Uh, sure, I can meet you for coffee, no problem.
Half hour? No problem.
See you.
Problem? What the hell are you doing here? Hi, sweetie.
- Sorry I'm late.
- I got you some coffee.
Thank you.
Isn't that awfully hot? Scalding.
Ahh.
Whew.
- So, what's new? - We need to talk about Brad.
No, no, we don't.
I'm sorry.
I trust you and I was totally and completely wrong to think there might be something going on.
- Thank you for that.
- You're welcome.
Okay, let's go home.
Hold on, I do have a confession to make.
Oh, this is never good.
The reason I got so upset by the things you said was because you touched a nerve.
Yeah, I do that, I'm a nerve toucher.
Runs in the family.
Okay, well, confession's over.
You forgive me, I forgive you.
Let's go home.
- I'm not done.
- Oh, crap.
The thing is, I was kind of attracted to Brad.
He's a great guy and we have a lot in common.
He loves his family and he really cares about his friends and his community.
I'm taking from your tone that stuff's important to you.
Yes, Charlie, it's important to me.
Okay.
Did you and Brad do anything other than talk? Of course not.
Nothing's happened.
Oh, thank God.
But while I do love you I need to know you care as much as I do.
- I do.
- You say that but are you willing to work on our relationship? Of course I am.
We can start doing things together, community things.
You know, with the kids that are poor and the old people that fall and can't get up.
- What about your family? - I'll get a new family.
I'm telling you, I can change, I can be a better man the man you want me to be.
And I promise you Excuse me.
- Oh, my God! - I am so, so sorry.
You threw up on my baby! Anyway, to be fair, I don't think the carrots were mine.
Get away from him, you pig! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Cute kid.
Chels? Damn.
I just got a call from Chelsea.
Oh, yeah? She said she wants to postpone the wedding.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Thanks.
Believe it or not, I do love you and I hate to see you hurt.
Yeah, well, I guess I kind of had it coming.
But you tried.
I did.
I just have one question.
What's that? Did you really vomit on a baby? Don't beat yourself up too much.
We've all done that.
You're kidding.
Of course, most of us do it on our own babies.