Black-ish (2014) s07e16 Episode Script

America is built on competition.
Capitalism is competition.
Grades in school are a competition.
And we can't get enough of our sports.
We literally still fight human beings in cages.
Even our political parties have team colors.
And me? Because I was born an underdog, I compete hard at everything, and I've tried to pass that on to my family.
Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it! Oh! How do I always lose? There's got to be something wrong with these blocks.
The only thing wrong is that you think you can beat me.
You can still win, son.
She didn't yell "Jenga" when the tower fell.
Oh, no, that's not the way this works.
I think you're thinking of a different game.
Babe, I always yell "Jenga" when I win.
Yes, and you also yell "Scrabble" every time you spell a word that's over four letters.
Diane, you should let him win once or twice so he doesn't feel bad.
- No, you should not let him win, all right? - What? You're supposed to play as hard as you can.
That's what it's about.
Well, I used to let her win all the time.
That's how she got so good.
I helped her build her confidence.
Uh, build my confidence? Man, you swim in a shirt.
Guys, it's just a game, all right? We're having a little family fun time, and then we move on.
Your mom's only saying that because I beat her at everything.
What?! I brush my teeth faster than you.
That's 'cause you only brush the ones that people can see.
I always finish chopping vegetables first.
And there's always blood in the onions.
Every time we thumb-wrestle, I win.
That's 'cause I'm trying to hold your hand.
See this? She can't even win the argument.
Okay, look me in the eyes.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, I want to make sure that you hear - what I'm saying to you.
- I'm listening.
I can beat you at anything at any time, anyplace.
- Oh.
- Anyplace.
Christopher Williams, you're dreamin'.
Ohh.
Am I? - Yes.
- Huh.
Well, then why don't you break out your shorts and your running shoes? 'Cause I'm about to whup yo ass.
- A race? - Yeah, a race.
- Let's do this.
- Ah.
Because I will smoke you.
Whoa, hold on, Dad.
Are you Are you sure? 'Cause Mom works out all the time.
Yeah, Mom kickboxes, she does yoga, and she's so good at spinning that when Rafael blew out his Achilles, they let her teach the class.
- I taught it.
- Yeah, but Dad cheats, so he's got that going for him.
No, I'm a natural athlete.
I have sneaky skills.
- Oh, boy.
- I grew up playing playground football with two future NBA stars and a Heisman winner.
You don't want any of this, Dre.
I lettered in track, and you don't have time to get yourself on a steroid cycle.
Don't let your mouth write checks your ass can't cash.
- Oh.
- Huh.
If you're so confident, then why don't we put something on it? - Anything.
- Fine.
The loser has to drop the kids off at school for the rest of the year.
- What? - What? We're the bet? Yeah, I thought school drop-off was our special time.
Of course it is, pumpkin.
That's it? And if I win, I get your car.
- Ooh! - Oooooh.
- This just got interesting.
- Okay.
But your car has that stick-figure family in the window.
You You let the kids eat in your car.
Every time I ride in it, a fruit snack gets stuck to my pants.
Sounds like you're afraid of losing.
Of course I'm not.
It's on.
- Fine.
- Mm-hmm.
- Let's get back to "Jenga.
" - Let's do it.
- Okay.
I'll take this one.
- Yeah, aha! - What are you doing? - See how fast I am? - Jenga! I win.
- That's You ain't ready for this.
Hey, catch it.
It's yours.
A little of that.
And a little of that.
Yeah.
Did you just mix your guacamole with the salsa? Yeah.
What's wrong with that? Guacamole is her own girl.
She's an independent dip.
But I like salsa.
Then why would you do that to salsa? Hmm.
You know, I just love how you have such a strong opinion on, well, everything.
What are your thoughts about waiting in line? Trash.
Give me a number and a seat.
Thank you.
Okay.
Picking people up from the airport.
If you were that important, you'd already be with me.
- Mm.
- Anything else? Yes.
Please try my salsa and guacamole mix.
It's delicious.
- Come on.
- Okay.
All right.
Delicious.
It better be.
Shoot.
Hmm.
- It's good.
- Mm-hmm.
It's good.
Hmm.
Look at you, showing me new things.
- You're just full of surprises, huh? - Mm-hmm.
Junior I love you.
That's what's up.
Um okay.
I'll be right back.
I wasn't worried about my race with Bow.
But I figured I should hydrate so I could be at peak performance.
Hey, you better grab one of these muffins before I eat them all.
I'm fine with water.
I got to prepare for a big race.
Oh, I, too, have to prepare for a big race.
That race? Samoans.
I've always been drawn to a culture - that frowns upon shirts.
- No.
My wife challenged me to a 100-yard dash.
She actually thinks she can beat me.
Can you believe that? Dre, you can't run a race against your wife, okay? It's a no-win situation.
If you win, it's only because you were supposed to win.
You gain nothing.
But if you lose, no man in the Greater Los Angeles area will get an erection for months.
Are you serious? My wife is not gonna beat me in a race.
I don't know.
Rainbow Johnson is in amazing shape.
I've casually passed the window to her Pilates class on several occasions, and she is built for speed like a rear-wheel-drive Mustang.
Okay, you guys are being ridiculous.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Yeah, they're being ridiculous, right? B-Because you're an athlete, right? - Right.
- Wrong.
Dre, did you know that I used to be an All-American lacrosse player? Lacrosse that's the one with the horses or boats? Muffin Josh, you were a D-1 athlete? He was, until he was dunked on by a woman in a game of pickup basketball.
It was the Internet's first meme.
I can still hear the laughter.
Do whatever you have to do to get out of this race, Dre.
Throw yourself down a flight of stairs.
Have a friend shoot you in the leg.
Whatever you do, do not run this race.
It destroyed me.
I'm gonna be all right.
Yeah.
Yeah, of course.
I mean, sure.
Maybe you will be.
Or maybe, after you lose, your best friends will all be cats, too.
We both know those cats are gonna eat you when you die, right? - Mm-hmm.
- 100%.
Hey, hey, young brother.
Girl problems? How could you tell? Ah, I can recognize a Black man drowning his sorrows in hot sauce when I see one.
My girlfriend told me she loved me, and I didn't say it back.
Mm.
So, what did you say? "That's what's up.
" That's what you say when the waiter brings you an extra barbecue sauce.
I-I know.
I just wasn't expecting it.
Saying "I love you" is supposed to be such a big moment.
Now I don't know if I'll ever get a chance again.
Well, your best friend Uncle Dr.
Charlie's got good news for you.
You don't want to be the first one to say it, 'cause if you do, then you lose all control.
Listen, you already got her on lockdown, right? So what you need to add is a side chick or grow out some questionable facial hair for your new dating profile.
That's what I'd do.
And you think that would make me feel better? Oh! No.
Nothing will make you feel better.
You blew it with the woman you love.
But a handlebar mustache would make me laugh.
You put corn on here? When the day of the race came, I was ready to put on a show for the crowd and put all those haters in their place.
You even warm up in slow motion.
Oh, I'm gonna beat you real nice.
- Uh-huh.
- And when I do, I want you to look up Carl Lewis' address so I can challenge him to a race, too.
You gonna keep running your mouth, or you want to run this race? My baby's not afraid of you.
Tryin' to be FloBow.
- They both took off work for this? - Hot mess.
Hey! Can we get going? I've been itching to try out this starter pistol.
Oh, aim for the sun.
I want to see what happens.
All right.
Here we go, guys.
On your mark! Get set! Go! - Ahhh! - You cheated.
Yes, I did.
Ha! Come on, Dre! Running is the closest we come to flying.
Muscles working in concert, the wind in your face, your body moving with purpose towards the horizon.
Running is freedom.
We're heroes when we're running legends our best selves.
Wait.
Is Bow's best self beating my best self? - Come on! - What is happening? Come on, boy! Oh, my God.
I was about to lose and lose badly.
I had to do something.
Think! Quick! Ain't nothing wrong with you.
I heard something pop! I think it was my ACL! I think it was all my CLs! Somebody call a doctor! Oh, my God.
Come on, come on! Mom, Mom! That hurt! - Yeah! - Oh, my God! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, hello.
You better get your punk ass up and run me my keys! Nice race, sucka! So, it turns out I might need to make some life changes.
I know you're not supposed to kick a man when he's down, but I see you peed a little bit there, son.
That's sweat.
Oh, God.
Wait a minute.
Is that pee? Ooh.
- Oatmeal.
- Mm-hmm.
You know if you put too much sugar in that, it turns into dessert, right? No sugar, no butter, no maple syrup - Ooh - no top bacon.
- Wow.
- Just water.
- Mm.
- And how is that? - Terrible.
- Mm, gosh.
Yeah.
But losing to you was the wake-up call that I needed.
Yep, I went for a jog this morning before the sun came up.
And now I'm gonna eat clean from here on out.
Mm-hmm-hmm.
That positive attitude is impressive.
You know, the older that we get, the harder it is to stay on top of our health, but it is so worth it.
And, Dre, you need to drink this.
- What? - I drink one of these after every single one of my workouts.
And I should introduce you to the trainer at my gym, Richie.
He's great.
I'mma have him text you.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
Um did Richie give you his number? - Huh? - Because if he did, - I'm gonna have to fight him.
- Oh, stop.
See? This race has put the fire in my belly again.
Oh, my goodness.
Had I known this would happen, I would have whupped your ass a long time ago.
Mnh-mnh-mnh-mnh! - Not long ago.
- Really? I'm sure I would have won this race until COVID hit.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I just started packing on weight like a polar bear.
You know, I really didn't know what the food supply chain was gonna do.
Yeah.
- So that's what happened.
- Mm.
I think it's great that you're trying to improve yourself.
And in order to help you, I'mma get you one of those watches, the ones that track your health.
Could you get me one with diamonds on it? - You know what else I'mma get? - What? Custom plates for my new car.
Babe, we really don't have to swap cars if you don't want to, okay? It was just a friendly bet.
There's no such thing as a friendly bet with you, Dre.
Do you not remember that I took out the garbage for three weeks because I couldn't remember the lyrics to "Pleasure Principle"? I told you "Rhythm Nation" was an easier song.
- Rules are rules, Dre.
Plus, it's fine.
- Okay.
You're driving my car.
It's basically the same thing.
- No, it's not.
- Oh, hey, by the way, do not turn the heat on in the car, because Devante put some pudding in one of the vents, and you'll smell like chocolate all day.
- Yeah.
- Okay? That's nothing like my car.
It's exactly like your car, but without the pudding.
I swallowed my pride and drove Bow's mom mobile to do school drop-offs.
I was getting through it, and then this happened.
Hey, Dre.
- Hey.
- Drinking that PowerFlex, I see.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, hey, fitness-tracker twins.
Yeah, recent events have forced me to try to get back into shape.
Well, you're moving in the right direction.
This thing changed my life.
- Hmm.
- It tracks your workouts, your heartbeats, and your steps.
What's really cool is, it lets my wife track everything, too.
She tracks you? Well, my New Year's resolution was to lose some weight, and her New Year's resolution was to make sure I lose some weight.
Uh-huh.
Oh.
That's her.
She knows I haven't been moving in a couple minutes.
She's wondering if I'm dead or just lazy.
Huh? Oh, she's not happy with this heart rate.
Yeah, I-I got to go.
That's when I realized Bow was trying to control my life.
What? Wait.
She was manipulating me.
What? Hey, sweetie.
Hey, Grandma.
What do you text someone when you've really messed up? Oh, is this about Olivia? - Yeah.
- Ooh.
Did she see the skin tag? - What? - All right.
Get me a lighter and a couple of Key limes.
No, Grandma, she said "I love you," and I-I just I did I didn't know how to react.
Well, what's to know, baby? You just say it back.
I used to tell men I love them all the time.
Shouldn't it be a special moment? Who said it wasn't? Earl! When's the first time I told you I loved you? Oh, that would be at what became our favorite diner.
I'll never forget it.
Corner booth.
You ordered the coffee.
- I had the cherry pie.
- Sure did.
On my third bite, she looked me dead in the eye and said, "I love you, Earl Johnson.
" - Mm-hmm.
- It was the first time.
But it wasn't the last.
See? I just met him that night.
Yeah.
I liked the way his pants fit.
Okay.
Uh, look, boy, just say it.
You know, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
Uh Don't put too much pressure on it, baby.
You'll be fine.
I don't know.
I-I still want it to be a big deal.
Fine.
Be stubborn.
Enjoy your evening at home because you're too afraid to say three little words.
Oh.
You know, Grandma's actually right.
You heard all that? Man, I hear everything.
And I've heard enough to know you're being stupid.
- That's your advice? - Yes.
You're upset because you want the moment you say "I love you" to hit you like some kind of lightning bolt.
Yeah.
What's so wrong with that? The lightning bolt is that you actually got her to like you.
You know, I assumed you'd be sad and lonely forever, but - Mm-hmm.
- it turns out you're not a total loser.
So stop being so extra and just go fix it.
Wow.
How do you know all this? The parental controls disappeared from Netflix two years ago.
- I've learned some things.
- Clearly.
Bow beat me in a race and tricked me into being tracked, but her winning streak was about to end.
What What the hell is that? My new car.
- What?! - Yeah.
I'm surprised you didn't see me sitting in the dealership for the last three hours after you tagged me like a research dolphin.
What are you talking about? You tried to trick me into becoming a better person, Bow.
What But it didn't work.
You're ridiculous.
Yeah.
Ridiculously fast! Oh.
Where'd they say it was again? Oh, it's this Mm.
Oh, nope.
No.
Oh.
Why are you dressed like an Italian tourist? I can't hear you, Pops! Huh?! I got 600 horses still ringing in my ears! Yeah, you bought a Ferrari.
That little race with your wife is making you lose your mind, you know.
No, that race was a setup.
Yeah, Bow is manipulating me now that I'm entering my middle age.
Entering? I'mma show her that I can age gracefully and go from zero to 60 in 3 seconds.
Look, I did the same thing as you when I was your age.
I bought a boat.
You bought a Ferrari.
What Black man you know lives in Compton buys a boat? It was a spite buy.
Yeah, well, I wish you had "spite come" to my high-school graduation.
It was during the Preakness.
You need to stop acting like a fool.
Bow's job as a wife is to make you better.
Your job as a husband is to let her.
- Hey - Look, she had you working out and trying to be a better man.
It's the same thing as what your mama's done for me.
Instead of hanging out down at the track, losing money, drinking with Loose Craig, I might live to see 95 years of age.
Pops, it just hurts that I lost a race to my wife.
Correction you got your ass smoked by your wife.
Nice.
I hurt all my ACLs.
Listen, I've dated "that's what's up" guys before athletes, musicians, actors.
And, sure, I like the trips and the cars and the vacations, but there was always something missing.
Doesn't sound like it.
I was tired of those kinds of guys, Junior.
I'm dating you because you're different.
Or at least I thought you were.
Yeah.
I am different, and I'm not gonna apologize for it.
I'm the type of guy who thinks that certain moments should be special.
They should happen by a lake or while watching a sunset.
Maybe not fireworks, but something, especially with you.
I want all of our big moments to be amazing because I love you.
I love you, too.
Oh.
That's what it's supposed to feel like.
Yeah.
Wow.
- Babe? - Mm-hmm? I'm sorry about buying the Ferrari.
You mean it isn't just a lease? I was driving around in your car, drinking your juice, wearing a - Oh, my God.
- a tracking device on my wrist.
I thought you were taking advantage of me falling off, so I had to fight back.
Dre, that is totally not what I was doing.
It was friendly competition, like every other time.
This isn't a board game or to see who can chop vegetables the fastest or to see who can name all the members of DeBarge without looking it up, all right? This counts a whole lot more.
You're just mad 'cause you lost.
But maybe I cut too deep.
I was just having fun, like you do when I win a plaque for L.
A.
Doctor of the Year, and you say it looks like I won a karate tournament, or when we argue for hours about whether Tupac is still alive.
Then why did they cremate him so fast, hmm? I bet you Suge knows.
The amount of practice I get from debating your rational and irrational arguments at the same time, I will never lose a debate to a normal person.
Okay, so, that's all I bring to you? No.
Dre That is the fun and silly stuff, Dre.
When it comes to the real stuff, no one has my back like you.
No one supports me like you do.
No one's a bigger cheerleader for me.
And when I don't believe in myself, you believe in me enough for both of us.
And you're always there for me, too.
Yes, I am.
And I will admit I can go overboard when things don't go my way.
I'll work on that.
Okay.
Well, if you are gonna work on that, then maybe and I mean just maybe I'll give you your car back.
- Really? - Hmm.
Then I don't need the Ferrari.
Hold on.
Don't return it so quickly.
Why? 'Cause I would like to drive it.
Oh.
I've always wondered what it would be like to have a midlife crisis.
- Babe.
- Mm-hmm? - It's incredible.
- Tell me everything.
Whoo-hoo! Oh, my God! - That was amazing! - Yeah.
I don't know why people wait until something bad happens to get one of these.
- But you know what? - Hmm? My lesson out of this? Buy the car.
- Okay.
- I feel invincible.
- Yep.
- Do you feel invincible? A little bit.
And you know what? We got to get this back - to the dealership.
- Yeah.
My interest rate is 30%.
You're probably right.
We should take it back.
- Uh-huh.
- Mm.
Hey.
Uh Oh, I'm sorry.
I just need to take it for one last spin.
Come on, babe! - Let me at least go with you.
- Watch your toes!