Family Ties (1982) s07e16 Episode Script

Mom, quick, hide me.
Are you all right? No, Mom, I'm scared.
What's the matter, Alex? Did you see a rerun of The Wizard of Oz? Are the flying monkeys after you, Alex? Ooh, the flying monkeys are after Alex.
Ooh.
Come on, come on, Mal.
Knock it off.
Ooh.
Ooh, the flying monkeys, Dad.
Ooh.
Elyse! Honey, stop scaring your father.
He'll be up all night.
Ooh, the flying monkeys, my pretty.
Ah, leave him alone.
He's starting to cry.
Alex, if this is scarier than the flying monkeys, I don't want to hear about it.
It's the paper girl.
She sees me walking down the street.
She pedals her bike towards me, fast as she can.
When she gets real close, she throws the paper right at my head.
Thank God she doesn't deliver pianos.
Oh, Alex, it just means she likes you.
When I was little, that's how I showed if I liked a boy.
If-if I thought he was cute, I'd just punch him in the arm, and if I wanted him to go out with me, I'd pull his hair like that, but if I wanted to go steady with him, I'd I'd knock him unconscious.
I married her, and I'm thankful to be alive to talk about it.
Oh, God, that's her.
I'm out of here.
This is like the Little Archies version of Fatal Attraction.
Hey, Alex, if you don't want her, I'll take her.
Hi, Marla! What can I do for you? Um, you owe me two bucks for the paper and I'm in love with your son.
Don't hurt him, Marla! Well, not till we get there.
Hi, Mal.
Hi.
Hi.
Jen, this is the happiest day of my life.
Being picked to be your social studies partner is a natural high unlike any other, my little Ohio Buckeye beauty.
Simon, listen, I like you, and it's gonna be fun to be your project partner, but you have to stop calling me those names.
What names are those, my flaxen-haired dove? Hi, Simon.
Hello, lovely lady.
Your radiance glows like moonbeams.
Why are you talking like Omar Sharif? Life is too short not to.
Tell your sister the wonderful news.
Simon and I were paired together for a project at school.
Paired together by fate, by the gods.
Well, what's the project? We're supposed to do a paper on entering the workforce, so Simon and I got after-school jobs.
Jennifer, that's great.
Oh, for the first time in your life, you'll be earning your own money.
You'll be able to go where you want to, buy whatever clothes you want to.
I mean, you won't have to rely on Mom and Dad's measly little allowance.
Hi, Mom and Dad.
The k ah, the kettle's ready.
- Kettle's in here.
- Oh.
The sofa the sofa's ready.
Hmm.
Um, what's this about getting a job? Oh, it's for school.
Simon and I are gonna be working at a fast food restaurant.
Chicken Heaven.
Heaven for chickens and heaven for me.
I'm gonna be working side by side with the alluring Jennifer Keaton.
Not to mention those alluring chickens.
Have you noticed how popular our children are these days? Alex, I is your woman now! Hi, Mr.
Keaton.
Hi, Marla.
You're wearing a skirt.
You're also wearing pants.
Is Alex here? - Uh - Oh, hi, Marla.
You look pretty today.
Thank you, Mrs.
Keaton.
Even wearing a little blush on your cheeks? Oh, it's not blush.
It's newsprint from the Sunday supplement.
Ah, very becoming.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Alex, Alex, be nice to her.
I've never seen a girl so much in love.
So, Mrs.
Keaton, you gave birth to Alex, huh? Mm-hmm.
Well, someone had to.
Must have been the most exciting day of your life.
How was it for you, Mr.
Keaton? Well, Marla, I didn't give birth to Alex.
I wanted to, but, uh, I lost the coin toss.
You're pretty.
Scram, kid, I don't go for tots.
Not as pretty as I thought.
I got a present for you, Alex.
Uh, Marla, you-you don't have to give me presents.
Yeah, I do.
I wanted to give you something personal.
I got you this because I couldn't find the jar that my tonsils were in.
Well-well that's a shame.
I saved up my pennies, my nickels, and my dimes, and I bought you a $20 bill.
I hope you like it.
Well, Alex, she sure knows the way to your heart.
It is a beauty.
Hate to have to give it back.
Yeah.
Well, she should learn a lesson from this.
Okay, Jen, what's the price of a heavenly chicken combo deluxe? $4.
95 plus tax.
Jennifer, you're amazing.
You've got the mind of a chicken.
Thank you, Simon.
You've got the body of a chicken.
Mallory, mystical woman of the Midwest, would test us on giblets? Okay, how many giblets in a quart? You know, Jen, I'm-I'm really proud of you.
This sounds like a wonderful place to work.
Well, Dad, it's not exactly the most prestigious place in the world.
What are you talking about, Jennifer? Chicken Heaven is a completely highbrow establishment.
Simon, highbrow establishments don't usually have a drive-through lane where your customers scream their orders directly into a chicken beak.
And then what happens? The chicken tells the cook? Uh And 12 cents is your change.
Thank you.
Jennifer you're beautiful when you're making change.
Simon, will you stop it and get to work? Excuse me, sir.
Sir? - Simon, I think he wants you.
- Oh.
Look, you completely screwed up our order, and we had to wait 20 minutes while you made it in the first place.
I am sorry; I'll fix that right up for you.
Great, and what are we supposed to do in the meantime? Would you care for a lozenge? I'd like to see the manager.
Uh, here she is.
She's the manager? Oh, she's more than just the manager.
She's the woman I love.
Simon, stop it.
Go put some fries on.
I'm sorry, sir, I'll take care of it.
You better.
Hey! That's no way to talk to her.
Would you like to step outside? Sure.
Would you? No, I just thought you would.
Simon, you really got to get it together.
You're really screwing up here.
Now go put some more fries on.
I'm sorry, sir, here you go.
I really don't know why I keep coming back here.
The service is bad, the atmosphere is worse, and the food is inedible.
How about a coupon for a free meal? Hey, thank you very much.
See you tomorrow.
Did you put the fries on? Mission accomplished, my poultry goddess.
Hi.
Welcome to Chicken Heaven, where you get more cluck for your buck.
Give me three heavenly drumsticks Ordering three heavenly drumsticks.
French fries Ordering French fries.
coleslaw Ordering coleslaw.
The kitchen's on fire.
Ordering the kitchen's on fire.
Is that one of our specials? No! The kitchen's on fire, you idiot! Make that ordering the kitchen's on fire, you idiot.
Would you like a drink with that? Simon, the kitchen's on fire! That's a really popular dish.
Oh, the fries! Simon! Quick.
Simon, Jennifer, who's responsible for this? Can we ever say, in the philosophical sense, that anyone is responsible for anything? Yeah, watch me.
Look, Mr.
Parker, we were really jammed up with customers, and I-I think it's possible that the fries were left on a little too long.
I will tell you what happened.
This chicken-flicking nitwit screwed up my order and ignored my repeated warnings that the fire was starting.
Will there be anything else for you today, madam? This young lady saved the day.
You should be proud of having her as an employee.
I am.
And you should be ashamed of having him.
I am.
Simon, you're on probation here.
Thank you, sir, I'm honored.
Jennifer, you're real Chicken Heaven material.
I think you have what it takes to rise to the top of the coop.
No one's ever said that to me before.
How would you like to be assistant manager? Yeah.
So, when did you first realize that Alex was the most wonderful human being in the whole world? When you told us.
Uh, and before that, uh, when he told us.
Let's move on.
Now, what's his favorite chair? Well, probably the one you're sitting in.
Mar Marla! Give it back! Let's not tell her where his bed is.
Mom? Can you tell Alex to stop leaving his plates all over the house? I found this outside his door, like room service.
She gone? Alex, you have to do something.
You have to talk to her.
Yeah, not yet, Mom.
I think she's about to give me some more money.
Hey, what's with the paper girl? She's standing on the corner, staring at a fork.
She's in love with your brother.
No, seriously.
My sister, ladies and gentlemen.
- How was work, honey? - God, Mom, it was worse than ever.
I mean, since they made me assistant manager, Simon has become even more of a problem.
We took the job together, but now I'm his boss.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
He's completely incompetent.
If it were anyone else, I think I'd fire him.
Yeah, so what's the problem? Alex, he's my friend.
So what's the problem? I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Maybe I should just quit, and get a job at Jiffy Burger.
No, no, no.
I've seen their hats.
Oh.
Hi, Simon.
Hi.
Simon, this isn't the army.
You don't have to wear your uniform off duty.
Oh, I know.
But I like it.
So I've incorporated it into my wardrobe.
Sometimes I wear just the hat and ski boots.
I'm sorry we had to hear that.
Simon, we have to talk.
Yes? Simon, we were paired together to do a job, and I don't feel that you're living up to your end of the bargain.
What do you mean, pretty lady? Simon I've got a job to do, and I take that kind of responsibility seriously.
Now, stop concentrating on me, and start concentrating on your job.
What job is that? Why am I both drawn to you and repelled by you? I don't know.
My mother asked the same thing.
Sorry I'm late, but I'm ready to go.
- Whoa! - Simon Simon, when you're late, I get in trouble with Mr.
Parker.
Now stop fooling around and get to work.
I love it when you're bossy.
Simon, I don't want to hear it.
Get to your post.
- You again, Simon? - No, sir, it was me.
I accidentally bumped into Simon, and he knocked the cups over, and then I asked him to clean them up for me.
And I'm happy to do that for her, sir, because I'm her knight in shining armor.
Okay, I never had armor, but I had braces for a while.
You should've had a muzzle.
All right, get back to work, both of you.
I like that idea.
Jen, I really appreciate you-you covering for me.
I don't know how to thank you.
Maybe I do! Thank you very much.
Where you from? Simon Thank you.
The next show is at 3:15.
- Hi, honey.
- What are you guys doing here? Uh, just came by to get a little free food.
Alex, I can't do that.
We're out of here, then.
Excuse me, miss? Miss, hey you! Miss! Hey, you mister.
That's no "miss," that's my sister.
Yeah.
She's my sister, too.
And you better listen to him, he's my brother.
Want to meet my parents? We're them.
And she's right.
You have a problem with her, you go through us.
You see, if one of us gets a job, we all get the job.
You got that? I just wanted some ketchup.
Jen? It's over there.
It's over there.
Nice meeting you.
So how's it going, Jen? See for yourself.
In the true sense of the word, he is a soda jerk.
Honey, you've got to do something about Simon.
Oh, just ignore him.
It happens every two or three hours.
What do you guys want? Uh, well, Jen, uh what do you recommend? Eating somewhere else.
Look, why don't we try four of the Wing-a-ling Delights? No, no, no, I don't want a Wing-a-ling Delight.
I want a Gizzard Blizzard.
Uh, I'll have the Tub O'Necks.
Ordering three Wing-a-lings, one Gizzard Blizzard, and one Tub O'Necks.
You know what I'd really like? A mesquite-grilled, free-range, boneless breast of chicken on a bed of radicchio with a mustard vinaigrette.
Ordering one Heavenly Slop Pile.
- Simon! - Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa Hey! Whoa! That's enough! I've got it under control! Well obviously, I'm not needed here.
Jen, uh why don't you, uh, lock up when you leave, all right? Mr.
Parker, can I fire him? Uh, no.
But I can.
Simon! You're fired! Where's my Tub O'Necks? You have a milk mustache.
I like that in a man.
Marla Marla I'm very flattered that you have a crush on me.
Alex, are you gonna tell me it's not gonna work between us? Yeah.
Well, fine, if that's the way you feel about it.
I can handle this very maturely.
Why not? Shh Marla, look I already have a girlfriend.
And-and I go to graduate school.
I mean, I'm twice your age.
Where do you want to go for the honeymoon? I like the Poconos.
Marla, it's not gonna work, okay? I mean, it's-it's-it's it's completely nuts.
I mean, i-it's impossible.
I can't believe I'm wearing a stupid bow in my hair.
The bow is beautiful.
It is not! I look like Rose Marie! That's not true.
Alex you've broken my heart.
Look, I don't want to do that.
In a very little while, you're gonna forget all about me.
In that case, I want my 20 bucks back.
There's no reason to break this off entirely.
A gift is a gift.
Come on, cough it up.
Look, Marla any guy your age would be crazy not to fall for you.
Get out of here.
I mean it, I mean it, you know, who knows? Maybe ten or 20 years, you're breaking hearts left and right Maybe, uh maybe our paths will cross again.
Bye, Marla.
Wow.
I'll never wash my forehead again.
Not that I ever did much before.
Hey.
Oh! How'd it go with Marla? Kind of rough.
It's okay; she's young.
She'll get over it.
I'm talking about me.
I had to give the 20 bucks back.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Is Jennifer here? I'll get her.
Ooh Well, the secret's out.
I'm a real goofball.
I'll be honest with you, Simon.
That hat's not working for you.
Hi, Jen.
I'm sorry about how things went today.
I'm here to turn in my uniform.
I'm gonna miss this.
Got a lot of compliments on it from my therapist.
I'm sorry, Jen.
I I guess I just got carried away.
See, when I'm around you, I can't even function.
Simon, you've got to grow up.
I mean, don't you realize what happened back there? You could have gotten me fired.
You weren't even trying to do a good job.
That's not true, Jen.
I wanted to do a good job.
I'm sorry I embarrassed you, I guess I do have to be a little more responsible.
I just wanted to impress you, so that you'd like me.
Simon, I do like you If you say "as a friend," I'm gonna spontaneously combust.
Well, then, I guess I'd better take a few steps back.
As a friend, huh? Yeah.
I hope you can deal with that, Simon.
Actually, it's like driving a stake through my heart.
But I can live with that.
Tell me something, Jen would you really have fired me from Chicken Heaven? Absolutely.
Would you ever fire me as your friend? Never.
Sit, Ubu, sit.
Good dog.