Friends s07e16 Episode Script

- Hi.
- Hi! Hi, Ben.
- Hi.
- We have a bathroom emergency.
Go ahead.
Before we do, are any of Joey's special "romance" magazines in there? - No.
- Okay, all clear.
Thanks, Phoebe.
That's Rachel.
But whatever.
Could you do me a big favor? I have a meeting at the dean's office.
Can you watch Ben for an hour? - What about Monica? - She isn't home.
So it would just be me alone? Ben would be there.
What's the matter? I've never done that before.
Me and him, alone.
He's not an ex-con.
Okay, okay .
- What do I do with him? - I don't know, talk to him.
Entertain him.
Keep him alive.
- Okay.
- Ben, come here.
I'm gonna leave you here with Aunt Rachel for about an hour, okay? Gonna be okay? - I think so.
- I wasn't talking to you.
The One With the Truth About London What about the second minister? I kind of liked him.
- You mean the spitter? - Come on.
He wasn't that bad.
Easy for you to say, you'd be wearing a veil.
- And the third guy? - He kept staring at your chest.
Can you blame him? I don't like the idea of me saying, "I do" while he's thinking, "I'd do it too.
" - Well, then we still have a problem.
- With what? We need someone to perform our wedding but they're all boring or annoying or keep staring at the ladies.
You should have one of us do it.
We're getting "married" married, not "6th-grade" married.
No, it's a real thing.
Anyone can be ordained on the Internet and perform weddings and stuff.
I call it! What? It was my idea! Thank you very much, but neither of you is marrying us.
Does calling it not mean anything anymore? We're having a legitimate clergy member.
And when I say legitimate, I mean gay and in control of his saliva.
Ben, you know, when you were a baby we'd hang out all the time.
I was your daddy's girlfriend.
But you're not anymore.
- No, I'm not.
- Because you guys were on a break Hey, we were not on a - When's my daddy coming back? - Fifty-two minutes.
So no brothers or sisters, huh? You know what, I had two sisters and we just tortured each other.
- Really? Like how? - Well, you know, we would, um we'd repeat everything the other said or we'd jump out of closets to scare each other or switch the sugar with salt so they put salt on their cereal.
That's a good one.
- Yeah, you like that one? - Yeah, you're funny.
I'm funny? Oh, thank God.
Well, hey, I got a ton of these.
You take a quarter and you blacken the edge, right? And then you say, "I bet you can't roll this quarter to your chin without it leaving your face.
" And when they do it, they're left with a line down the center of their face.
Can I do it to you? I'm funny, Ben, but I'm not stupid.
So did you find anyone to marry you yet? No, but "Horny for Monica" minister called wondering if we're still together.
- We'll never find anybody.
- Then let me do it.
- Joey - I've been thinking.
I'm an actor, so I won't get nervous in front of people.
I won't spit and I won't stare at Monica's breasts.
Everyone knows I'm an ass man.
- That's true.
- The most important thing is, it won't be some stranger who barely knows you.
It'll be me.
And I swear, I'll do a really good job.
Plus, I love you guys and it would really mean a lot to me.
Might be kind of cool.
- So I can do it? - Yeah, you can do it.
All right! Okay! Okay, I gotta get started on my speech.
Wait a minute.
Internet ministers can have sex, right? Coming.
I have a bone to pick with you.
- Uh-oh.
- Yes.
Ben learned a little trick.
- Oh, did he pull the old? - That's right, that's right.
Saran wrap on the toilet seat so the pee goes everywhere.
- Oh, that.
- Yeah, that.
You know I hate practical jokes.
They're mean, they're stupid and I don't want my son learning them.
Saran wrap on the toilet seat? Isn't that just a little funny? - I was barefoot.
- Oh.
Tell me, the toilet thing is the only thing you taught him, right? Yes.
- Hey.
- Say hello to Reverend Joey Tribbiani.
- You got ordained? - Yeah.
Just got off the Internet.
Man, there's a lot of porn out there.
Our minister.
I started on what I'm gonna say for the ceremony.
Want to hear it? Listen, this is just the first draft, so .
"We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share.
It is a love based on giving and receiving as well as having and sharing.
And the love that they give and have is shared and received.
And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving we too can share and love and have and receive.
" Should we call the spitter? - Hey, Rachel.
- Hi.
What a surprise.
What are you doing here? I was just in the neighborhood and I passed by your building and thought, "What's up with Carol and sweet little Ben?" - That's nice.
Well, come on in.
- Okay.
I'll make some coffee and we can chat.
I'd love that.
I would love that.
So where is sweet little Ben? I would love to have a little I found him! Very funny.
Come here.
That is exactly why I've come here to talk to you, okay? - Rachel, you want sugar? - Yes, but Do I want sugar in my coffee? No, just some milk would be good, Carol.
Thanks.
Remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday? "Remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday?" - Don't do that.
- "Don't do that.
" - Your dad doesn't like pranks.
- "Your dad doesn't like pranks.
" - Oh, damn it.
- "Oh, damn it! " No! Don't say that.
- Damn it! - Go back to repeating.
- Damn it! - Oh, crap.
"Oh, crap! " Okay, I got some more written, ready? Yeah, okay.
"When I think of the love that these two givers and receivers share I can't help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving" And then I can't think of a good word for right here.
- How about "receiving"? - Yes! See, Joe, not that that's not great but one cool thing about having a friend perform the ceremony is that it can be about us.
It can be more personal.
You can tell stories about us.
Okay! Maybe I'll talk about London, when you hooked up.
Only I won't say "hooked up" I'll say, "began their beautiful journey - There you go.
by doing it.
" - Joe.
- Okay, all right.
So how did it happen? Did your eyes meet across the room then you're in the bathtub and she's feeding you strawberries? - Isn't that what happened to you? - Yeah! I call that "London style.
" That didn't happen with us.
Maybe you should say it is, because "London style" sounds nice.
Okay, uh .
I was sad that night because this guy thought I was Ross' mom.
And Chandler was really sweet and he consoled me and we drank too much.
- Yeah, baby.
I was a gentleman and I walked her to her hotel room and said good night.
Oh.
- But then, later that night - Yeah, baby.
Cute P.
J.
s.
Really living it up here in London, huh? Well, I wasn't exactly expecting company after 9:15.
Is Joey here? Last I saw he was with a bridesmaid and a bucket of strawberries.
You're not still upset about what that guy told you, are you? Wouldn't you be? It's been a really emotional time and you've had a lot to drink .
You have to let that go, okay? You were the most beautiful woman in the room tonight.
Really? You kidding? You're the most beautiful woman in most rooms Whoa, what's going on? We just made out.
- We're making out? - Not anymore.
- But we don't do that.
- I know, I thought it would be fun.
How drunk are you? Enough to know I want to do this.
Not so much that you should feel guilty.
That's the perfect amount.
- You know what's weird? - What? - This doesn't feel weird.
- I know.
- You're a really good kisser.
- Well, I have kissed over four women.
Want to get under the covers? Okay.
Wow, you are really fast! It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
- We're gonna see each other naked.
- Yep.
- At the same time? - Count of three? One, two, three.
Well, I think it's safe to say our friendship is effectively ruined.
Eh, we weren't that close anyway.
Joey, Joey, Joey! Hey.
Hey, Joe.
I was just watching a movie .
Oh, dude, I'm so sorry.
No! It's cool, I'm still with my bridesmaid.
Where are the condoms? In my bag over there.
Could you leave me one? For just you? Yeah.
All right.
There you go, buddy.
Go nuts.
That's what that was? If I hadn't left you one, you two might've never gotten together.
Imagine if I had sent that hooker like I was gonna? It's like it was in the stars.
Yeah, totally meant to be.
Tell him who you originally wanted to hook up with that night.
- What? - What? What? Who did you originally want to hook up with? Okay, fine, but please don't be upset.
I was really depressed, okay? And really drunk.
I wanted something stupid and meaningless.
I just wanted sex.
So, when I went to your room that night I was actually looking for Joey.
Yeah, baby.
No, baby.
Oh, my God.
You came looking for Joey? - Were you planning on telling me this? - No, I didn't think it was important.
It's not important? It's not important? If it wasn't for a bridesmaid, you'd be marrying him.
Do you know how unbelievably glad I am that Joey wasn't there? Hey! I'm a man of the cloth but I still have feelings.
There's no way you're doing this wedding now, okay? What? That's not fair.
It's not my fault.
I was with my bridesmaid.
And who's to say I would've said yes? I mean, I would've said yes.
You are making way too big a deal out of this.
Everything worked out okay.
It's just weird, okay? I don't want to be saying my vows with the mental image of you and Monica.
I need I don't know what I need.
I need a walk.
- Wait, Chandler, it's not a big deal.
- It is to me.
You wanted to sleep with Batman and settled for Robin.
- This is crazy.
- No, Robin is so gay.
- So now what have we agreed? - No more pranks.
- What else? - You and Daddy were not on a break.
Very good.
Rachel, what are you doing here? I'm just visiting my good friend Carol.
- Your good friend? - Yeah.
What's her last name? Carol Lesbian.
- Nice.
By the way, that line down my face .
The line that prompted a student in my last class of the day to say: "Dude, don't you ever wash your face?" I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
I don't want you teaching my son that stuff anymore.
- Okay? - Fine.
Fine.
Once I taught him that stuff, he called me "fun Aunt Rachel.
" And I loved being fun Aunt Rachel.
I'm glad you guys were bonding but Look, he doesn't have any siblings.
Somebody has to teach him this stuff.
I haven't taught him anything a normal 6-year-old doesn't know.
- Crap! - I gotta go.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You want this scone? It came for me but it would rather sleep with you.
Nothing even happened.
I just don't want you to be upset.
How can I not be upset? I finally fall in love with this fantastic woman and it turns out she wanted you first.
Yeah, for like a half an hour one night.
Chandler, she wants you for the rest of her life.
We look at you and we see you together, and it just it fits, you know? And you just know it's gonna last forever.
That's what you should say.
What? When you're marrying us, that's what you should say.
Really? I could do it? I'd love you to do it.
Hey.
But those are the words.
Those exact words.
Well, I don't remember exactly but it's pretty much about having and giving and sharing and receiving.
- So you guys doing okay? - Yeah.
We talked and Monica made me see that I overreacted a little bit.
- Some things are more important.
- Yeah, baby.
I'm really glad you guys are okay, but I just keep thinking what would've happened if you two had hooked up.
Honey, dinner's ready! What's my little chef got for me tonight? - Your favorite.
- Ho, ho, ho fried stuff with cheese.
And lots of it! Thanks, sweetheart.
Give me a little sugar .
Here we go, here we go, here we go.
How you doing? - Hey.
- Hey! I'm sorry to do this again, but could you look after Ben for a bit? I've got this meeting at school and he asked for his fun Aunt Rachel.
Well, of course I will watch him.
We have fun, don't we, Ben? - See you later, pal.
- Okay.
Wait a minute.
Ben, I can't do it.
- You got something on your back.
- What? That's great.
That is great.
What did we just finish talking about, Ben? "What did we just finish talking about, Ben?" That's it! Come here! - You're in big trouble, young man! - No, wait.
Ben, come here! I am not kidding! You guys, hold it.
Seriously Oh, my God!