M*A*S*H (MASH) s07e16 Episode Script

Figaro Figaro, figaro, figaro figaro, figaro, figaro Figaro [Vocalizing.]
The Barbarian of Seville.
Quiet! Pierce, why must you always thwart my attempts to bring a little culture into this neolithic pup tent? - Because I'm a music lover.
- [Chortles.]
[Continues.]
Wait, don't tell me.
That's the moose aria from Don Ameche.
- Don Giovanni.
- Well, "don" sing anymore, please.
- [Continues.]
- Hey, you in the balcony.
How can you just sit there without asking for your money back? - [Continues.]
- Will you shut up or I'll cry.
- Don't you have ears? - Oh, I'm sorry.
I was just getting lost in this letter from Peg.
Oh, the weekly gut-wrencher, huh? I'd like to mail it back to her with me in it.
Beej, it doesn't do any good to stew.
You miss them, they miss you the whole schmear.
I stopped singing for this? Hey, I'm just homesick and depressed.
It's okay.
- Another hour, I'll only be homesick.
- Well, how do I look? - Not that your opinion matters.
- In that case, you look great.
- Who's the lucky cadaver? - NurseJacqueline Carew.
- Bryn Mawr, '48.
- Harvard, nothing.
[Chuckles.]
That's good.
Jest if you will, but this will be an evening to remember.
- Italian opera, French wine - And a Mexican standoff.
- [Knocking.]
- Sirs, are you busy? No, Radar, come in.
And bring your bodyguard with you.
Sir, uh, this is Kim Sing.
You know her father, Su Sing.
Su Sing? Oh, yeah.
That nice little guy who sells vegetables to the company mess.
- He's not so little.
- Don't be short with me, Radar.
- What's up, Radar? - Oh, listen.
I think her father's really sick.
I mean, he's got a fever.
He's got chest pains.
He's coughing up blood and everything.
- Probably pneumonia.
- Aren't the people in this area issued sulfa? Yes, Charles, they are, but they sell it in order to buy food.
Then they walk around infecting each other.
I used to donate one Thursday afternoon a month to the respiratory unit at Mass General.
Uh, well, maybe you could go see him then, sir.
Certainly not.
This isn't Thursday we are not in Massachusetts, and I have a date.
Gentlemen.
Corporal.
You know, if he had a conscience, it still wouldn't bother him.
I'll go with her, Radar.
I'm not doing myself any good sitting here.
Just what you need, a nice pleasant change of problems.
- You move, please.
We go now.
- Right away, honey.
Not right away, now.
Move, please.
I think I'll be going now.
Figaro, figaro, figaro Shave and a haircut two bits Oh, that's where that's from.
- You go fast.
- I promise you we'll get there as fast as we can.
- You go fast.
- Look, honey, don't worry.
Right.
Shut up and drive.
- [Engine Starts.]
- [Siren Wailing.]
Shut that blasted thing off.
The general said shut that blasted thing off.
Can we have it quiet out here? Our snipers are trying to sleep.
- Who's this soldier's C.
O.
? - General Prescott wants to know who's your C.
O.
, soldier? - Here's our maestro now.
- All right.
What's the big stink all about? Oh, uh, General.
May I present the nearest thing we have to a general Colonel Sherman Potter.
This is Brigadier General Marion Prescott.
- Marion.
- Leave it alone.
- You look familiar, Colonel.
Do I know you? - I don't think so, General.
- Were you in World War II? - Yes, sir.
- I knew you looked familiar.
- Uh, right.
What can we do for you, sir? I had a little fracas at the front.
That's where I got this.
No kidding.
I've been looking all over for one of those.
- Pierce.
- Somebody help me down.
The general was felled in the midst of action while traversing battalion combat positions.
[General Groaning.]
I wish they'd keep those foxholes in plain view.
Well, you came to the right place, General.
A day on your back and some ice, and you'll be waltzing on that ankle.
Just follow the two little left feet on the floor.
Hey, hey, hold it.
I haven't got time to loll around.
Just wrap a bandage around it.
I wanna be out of here in an hour.
I'll have you bandaged in half an hour.
- Of course, they'll have to leave off the gold braid.
- Pierce.
[Dog Barking.]
[Speaking Korean.]
Be it ever so humble - [Speaking Korean.]
- [Speaking Korean.]
I'm sorry.
"Hello" and "Put it on Hawkeye's tab" is the only Korean I know.
Will you tell your mother I'm a doctor? Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor, come.
Please.
- [Coughing.]
- Hi.
Hello.
I'm Dr.
Hunnicutt, the center of attention.
[Speaking Korean.]
You fix him up, Doc.
[Chuckles.]
Looks like you could use a good blanket, Su Sing.
- Does your chest hurt a lot? - [Speaking Korean.]
- [Coughing.]
- Okay, okay.
Sit up.
I get the picture.
- Can you breathe for me? [Inhales.]
- [Coughing.]
Mrs.
Sing, I'm afraid your husband has a severe case of pneumonia.
Do you understand pneumonia? I'm gonna give him a shot.
Then I'll come back tomorrow and give him another one.
But I need you to make sure, it's very important, that he gets two of these pills two of these pills every day.
And give one to everyone in the family, so they don't get sick like Papa-san, okay? I will give later.
Uh, no, not later, now.
I'd like to see them get the medicine.
- I'm kinda funny that way.
- Okay.
Now you roll over, Su Sing.
There you go.
Papa-san work in field soon? Not for a while, honey.
He needs rest.
He needs to be kept warm and dry and get decent food.
I'd like to take him back to the MASH with me.
No, stay together! - He can get decent care there.
- No, stay together! [Scoffs, Speaking Korean.]
She much afraid that we not stay together.
We lose one son already Cho-Duk.
He was killed? - Army take him.
- And you haven't heard from him since? You help find Cho-Duk? I don't have many connections with the South Korean Army.
- Please? - There's almost no chance of finding him.
Please.
[Speaking Korean.]
Sure.
No problem.
All right.
Be a brave little soldier.
Bite down on the flask.
Hey, don't be smart-alecky.
[Agonizing Yell.]
- Ooh, gee, I'm sorry I heard you scream, General.
- What do you want? Uh, I need the general's signatures on these general release forms.
Can you write with the other foot? - Gimme those.
- Yes, sir.
- [Groans.]
- And a DA-5 release for the release forms.
Here you go, General.
We're all out of lollipops.
You can use these to swat tanks.
Anything, as long as they get me out of this loony bin.
- Please, we call this home.
- Yeah.
- Wait.
You know how to walk on these? - Get outta my way.
- They come with a set of instructions.
- Now you look [Yells.]
- Oh! Oh, no! - Oh, yes.
Oh, my wrist.
My wrist! Okay, take it easy.
Is it broken? - I wouldn't try waving good-bye.
- [Groans.]
Hey, listen, this can't happen.
He's already signed out.
"Eight blankets, four pillows, a carton of C-rations, case of condensed milk.
'" - This all for you, Captain? - It's for a Korean family that's barely making it.
Oh, that's really rough.
- No.
- I didn't hear that.
Oh, let me put it to you a different way.
"No use of military items by nonmilitary personnel.
" You know that, Captain.
Zale, these people need help, and I wanna give it to them.
- Sorry.
- How 'bout if I pay you for it then? Please, I'm a man of principle.
Besides, you don't have that kind of money.
All right, Sergeant.
Let's deal on a currency a little closer to your heart.
Like your skin.
Would "l" Corps approve of that Quonset hut motel - That's right.
- That's a deal.
Hey, Beej, wait up.
How's Su Sing? It was lobar pneumonia, all right, but he's holding his own.
Good.
Welcome back.
Or is it good-bye forever? [Chuckles.]
Just taking the family a few things to tide them over.
It's incredible the way they live, Hawk.
They have absolutely nothing.
I figure somebody has to do something.
- Let me guess you? - [Chuckles.]
I'll stop by there every couple days with whatever I can pick up.
Is there anything left? [Exhales.]
You should see those kids together Kim and her little brother God, they're sweet.
Hey, Beej, there's a lot of sadness in these people's lives.
Comes with the territory.
No matter what you do, you're not gonna change it by yourself.
- I know, Hawk.
- Yeah, yeah, good.
- Oh, hey, could you guys just hold up for a second.
- Hey, Radar.
I hate to tell you this, but you got a run in your face.
No, this is my, uh, protective netting.
Do me a favor, don't start the jeep right now, please.
I think it's going to disturb my bees, okay? Let 'em put their wax in their ears.
Oh, hey, listen.
This is my queen bee, Isabella.
She's being fertilized now.
And that's why we have to be careful and quiet for a little while.
- We won't even tell the king.
- Yeah, I'm I'm breeding them you know, for the honey, 'cause Colonel Potter misses it in his tea.
- Can we, uh, can we give a little look? - Yeah, come on.
- Come on.
- Yeah, okay.
But listen, do me a favor, will you? Don't stare, 'cause I think it really, uh, bothers them when they're watched.
- Oh.
[Mumbling.]
- What? What? What? They're all blowing in her ear.
[Bees Buzzing.]
- They're finished.
- You can tell that? Sure.
She's leaning back on one antenna, smoking a cigarette.
Well, fellas, I hate to peep and run, but I got a family to take care of.
- Oh, Radar.
Could you do me a favor, Radar? - Yeah.
I wanna track down a South Korean soldier named Cho-Duk Sing.
He's probably with a unit formed in this area.
There was a lot of units formed in this area.
That's a pretty big order.
It's pretty important.
- Should I wait up for you? - I'll only be a couple hours.
It'll take you that long just to kiss those kids hello.
- [Hammering.]
- You work hard.
I figure your father can do without the air-conditioning.
- Huh? - It's okay.
Sometimes I don't understand me either.
Here you go.
Here.
You.
What's this? For your Kim.
Oh, honey, I can't take this from you.
Please.
We cannot pay.
- You just did.
- [Mother Yelling In Korean.]
You bring medicine.
Please, hurry.
- [Coughing.]
- Easy.
You're gonna be okay.
Have you been giving him the pills? - Yes, give some.
- Some? Mama-san, it's very important that he get all the pills.
You understand? Don't sell them.
I'll be back tomorrow.
I'll bring more pills and another shot.
Okay, B.
J.
- You know where my son Cho-Duk? - No, not yet.
- Maybe tomorrow.
- Maybe tomorrow.
Okay, B.
J.
, thank you.
[Coughing Continues.]
- You don't go now! - I've gotta go, Kim.
You two better get back inside.
Your mother may need you.
- Please, you stay? Papa-san very sick.
- Please don't go.
Hey, your pop will be okay.
I'll be back tomorrow.
[Sobbing.]
No, no leave.
Stay.
- Kim, Kim, it'll be okay.
I promise.
- Kim scared.
Please, you stay? Papa-san need you.
Oh, I gotta go back to camp.
They need me there too.
- [Sobbing.]
- [Sobbing.]
Oh, don't cry, honey.
Come on.
Sure I'll stay.
Of course I'll stay.
- Good afternoon, General.
- What's good about it? - How is your soup today? - I don't know.
I haven't tasted it yet.
Oh, here, allow me, sir, please.
Here.
Here.
There we are.
- Plenty of noodles in every spoonful.
- Oh, of course.
- [Slurps.]
- How's that? - More noodles.
More noodles.
- Right.
General [Clears Throat.]
Had you ever considered the advantage of having your own private physician? Someone billeted near you, for example in say - well, Tokyo.
- You.
- I accept.
- Not so fast.
You're not even the one who patched me up.
- It was that other loudmouth.
- Pierce.
- Yeah, a real wisenheimer.
- Precisely.
He is competent, but you want more than mere competence.
You want a physician with stature, unlimited talent.
You again, I suppose.
Major Charles Emerson Winchester at your service.
And again [Chuckles.]
I accept.
You sound like a sissy.
But you might have something there.
- Personal physician, huh? - Hmm.
- Are you good? - In a word great.
The best.
Nonpareil.
Might come in handy at the front.
The front.
As in "up at the front"? Lots of fireworks there.
Wouldn't mind having a sawbones by my side when the shelling starts.
The shelling.
What are you stopping for? We're down to the chicken.
See, General, I had in mind waiting for you in Tokyo.
I would be no use to you whatsoever in combat.
You need another kind of doctor for that altogether.
Someone like Pierce here.
Someone at home in a trench.
Someone who thrives on mud and mire.
One need only check his bunk.
Here you are.
Lots of noodles, Pierce.
He begged you to take him away from all this, right? You two would never work out.
After your first spat you'd run home to MacArthur, and he'd go back to his mother.
Give me that.
The bigger they are, the nicer they are.
Hello, stranger.
Come in to pick up your mail? Papa-san's been having some problems.
The kids were scared - so I stayed up all night with them.
- No improvement.
Not yet.
I'm gonna check back after I finish rounds.
It's okay.
I covered for you.
- Thanks.
I owe you one.
- Just get some sleep.
Later.
I'm gonna scrounge up some lumber, see if I can finish the roof.
- Beej, you look exhausted.
Get some sleep.
- I'll get some when I need it.
You know that sentence that begins "It's none of my business, but"? Hawk, they need me, and I wanna do it.
Uh-huh.
See you later.
Good afternoon, General.
Corporal Max Klinger, Section Eight.
Modeling the latest in stateside fashion this divine teatime frock is just perfect for those hot afternoons on maneuvers.
And consider the chic design.
The hair can be worn in or out.
Then to catch that special psychiatrist's eye a provocative portside slit.
Down, screwball.
Down, screwball.
Bucking for a Section Eight in drag doesn't wash with me.
I didn't let my son out for dressing like that.
Why should I let you? Now you get that hairy drumstick off that chair or I'll have you plucked and shipped to Leavenworth.
Yes, sir.
About face! Forward march! And A pretty girl Is like a melody Uh, yeah, that's right, Cho-Duk Sing.
Oh, no, I don't know how to spell it.
I'm afraid to try.
Yeah.
Oh, swell.
They're transferring me to the R.
O.
K.
Liaison.
R.
O.
K.
Liaison, again? You talked to them three transfers ago.
- Gimme that phone.
- Hey, hey, watch it, will ya? - Hello.
- Talk to them nice.
They hang up.
Look.
I'm trying to locate a Korean named Cho-Duk Sing.
He was drafted somewhere in the Ouijongbu area.
I don't know too many details.
No, I don't know his service number.
I don't even know mine.
Hey! Hey! - He's transferring me back to "l" Corps.
- Gimme that, son.
Believe me, the louder you talk, the less they hear.
You gotta slip on the old velvet glove if you wanna get any action.
[Pleasant.]
Hello.
To whom am I speaking? Captain, this is Colonel Sherman potter, Seems we're having a teeny problem Iocating a Korean soldier named Cho-Duk Sing.
He's an R.
O.
K.
Draftee.
Thank you.
- Told you we'd get some action.
- Where is he? Don't know yet, but we're making progress.
They're transferring me to the R.
O.
K.
Liaison.
- Just three more, sir, and you're all better.
- This is my bad hand.
Doesn't matter.
Nobody can read your signature anyway.
Can't you push this thing any faster? Now don't forget, General, don't stab anybody with that hand or grind anybody under that heel for at least a week.
[Chuckles.]
The man's a pistol.
- Could use a silencer.
- Yes, sir.
Oh, we're gonna miss your biting sense of humor, General, you big lug.
I'll take over, Pierce.
You've pushed him far enough.
- Excuse me, General.
- What is it now? - One more form for - I don't care anymore.
- Just let me sign it and get outta here.
- [Bee Buzzing.]
- What's that? - A bee! Shoo! Hey, Blitzen, what are you doing out? Don't hit him! It's Blitzen! It's Blitzen! - [Yells.]
Friend! Friend! - Order him outta here! Wait, hold on.
Here, Blitzen.
[Whistles.]
Here, Blitzen.
Come on.
I'm not gonna hurt Hey, what are you doing? Hey, hey, get outta here, you lousy bee! Hey, get him outta here! Oh! Oh! I'm bit! I'm bit! They always go for the officers first.
Blitzen, where are you? Speak to me! You're starting to swell.
Are you allergic? I don't know.
I've never been stung before.
Oh, Lord, I'm hit! - Well, back into the shop.
- [Whistling.]
[Gasps.]
Oh, Blitzen.
Oh, gee, what a way to go.
Feel it.
It's as big as a peach pit.
[Man On p.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel, incoming wounded.
- This is a big one.
- See what you started? - [Distant Explosion.]
- [B.
J.
.]
Think they could turn that down? I don't know.
I kinda like the rhythm.
- [Explosion.]
- Night and day Why is it so Suction.
That this longing for you follows wherever I go - In the roaring traffic's - [No Explosion.]
- In the roaring traffic's - [Boom.]
In the silence of my lonely room I think of you Night and day - Cut it out, Hawk.
- Well, this is a first.
One of the Katzenjammer Kids doesn't want to play, hmm? That shelling's coming awful close to the civilians out there.
We have plenty to worry about in here.
- Amen.
- Keep that intestine back, Margaret.
I'm doing the best I can.
You keep changing the field.
- Just keep it back, Margaret.
- Take it easy, Beej.
Kim's family got through the shelling before they ever met you.
They probably stand a better chance for survival than his patient there.
Or you, if you don't keep your mouth shut.
That's enough.
Winchester, shut up.
Hunnicutt, if you can't keep your mind on your work, you're no good to us here.
Did anyone happen to flip through this week's copy of Stars and Stripes? There was a very interesting article, comparing Korean kimchi and sauerkraut.
Uh, sauerkraut lost.
No, I don't suppose you did.
I'm sorry I snapped at you, Margaret.
They'll be all right.
[Yawning.]
- Hey, Beej.
- Hmm.
- Your pants are on fire.
- Mm.
Mm.
Look.
You can't keep up this hut-hopping between 14-hour shifts in O.
R.
Let's face it.
Their demand is bigger than your supply.
Oh, you were right, Hawk.
It never stops.
They're cold, so I find them blankets.
Then they're still cold 'cause they're sleeping on the floor.
So I find 'em a bed.
Then it rains on the bed, so I patch up the roof.
Next it'll be a house, then a better neighborhood, then a safer country.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I gotta rest.
Look, Beej.
This is too much for one person, even you.
- Captain Hunnicutt.
Uh, sir, I found Cho-Duk.
- Hmm.
- You did? Where? - We've been looking in the wrong army.
He's been attached to an American unit near Taegu.
- That's great.
- What great? Taegu's over 60 miles from here.
No, that's all right.
I had him transferred to a unit just south of here.
- We're back to great.
- How'd you do that? Well, as long as General Prescott was signing release forms I, uh, handed him a transfer blank.
Radar, you're beautiful! Let me give you a kiss.
- Hey, come on! Cut that out! Geez! - Oh, ho! You couldn't slip him my discharge papers? I can hardly wait to see the look on their faces when I show 'em this.
I'll drive.
You'd fall asleep at the wheel.
Are you kidding? I could leap there in a single bound.
I may not be able to give them everything, but I can give 'em this.
- Here it is.
This is it.
- Where? - Right here.
This is it! Stop! - Wait a minute.
- Wait till I stop, will ya? - Kim! Kim! Mama-san! He-Hey! [Birds Chirping.]
They're gone.
The place is deserted.
They took everything.
- Including the neighbors.
- Where'd they go? I guess to someplace safe from the shelling, like this used to be.
- But I'll never find them.
- Maybe they'll come back.
[Chuckles.]
No, they won't.
They'll just keep going south, away from the war.
Oh, Hawk.
They don't even know about Cho-Duk.
They don't even know their son's alive! - That isn't fair.
- [Plane passes Overhead.]
[Sighs.]
They take me away from my wife and kid, and I find something to help fill the gap, and they take that away too.
It isn't right.
Damn it, it isn't right! [Sighs.]
Let's go.
[Engine Starts.]
I wish I knew what to do, Hawk.
I know what you'll do.
Go home and have a lousy meal a poor night's sleep and tomorrow you'll find somebody else to help.
Are you crazy? You think I'd ever do that again? - I know you would.
- You're right.
- I always am.
- Shut up and drive.
Is the road clear? Are the bees in their cages? Bats in their belfry and all's right with the world.
General, it's been a real pleasure.
Save it.
I never want to see any of you again.
Oh, please, General, you've thanked us enough already.
Better not return the salute.
That cast will give you a concussion.
- [Engine Starts.]
- Get outta here.
I'll do it myself.
[Chortles.]
Move out! Write if you get work.
[Tire Explodes.]
- Keep movin'! - Sir, the tire.
- Never mind that tire.
Keep movin'.
! - But, sir Get me outta here! - There he goes, back into combat.
- He'll be safer there.