Sabrina The Teenage Witch s07e16 Episode Script

Aaron, I mean this from the very bottom of my heart.
I love you.
Nice try.
I've gotten more emotion out of my car's navigational system.
You know, I knew it was childish to practice on my cat.
I should be doing this in the mirror.
And in fact, I'll do it one better.
Aaron, I've been wanting to tell you this for a long time.
I love you.
Aw, that's great, Sabrina.
Thanks.
Oh, no, no, no.
Not the dreaded thanks.
- Try again.
I love you.
- Ditto.
No.
No "ditto.
" No "right back at you.
" No, "yeah, same to you, but more of it.
" - Just tell me you love me.
- I love you.
Oh, well, that's really sudden, but, heh I love you too.
What? I look hot today.
"Insert the gunta hooks into the abba locks and rotate the " What does this word mean? Oh, that's Swedish for "We're up a fjord without a paddle.
" So, what do you think? Nice, but you're a little too put together to be putting things together.
But I look perfect for having dinner at my boyfriend's.
Aaron's cooking.
And for dessert, I'm finally gonna tell him I love him.
- First? - Uh-uh-uh.
- You're going to say "I love you" first? - Yeah.
Oh, never ever say "I love you" first.
Unless, of course, he's just given you something sparkly and expensive.
Or he's got the last parachute.
But I do love him and I want him to know.
It's the only way to take our relationship to the next level.
And it's not like he's gonna laugh in my face, right? This is where you say "right" and nod your head furiously.
Right, but I wouldn't rule out an incredibly awkward silence followed by a rapid change of subject.
Hey, who wants coffee? Sabrina, are you sure you wanna do this? Yes, I'm absolutely sure.
I'm just gonna come out and say it.
Anyway, it We - Ha, ha.
What are you trying to say? - Nothing.
Uh, wait.
No, there is something.
Aaron, we've been seeing each other for a while now, and there's something I've really been wanting to tell you.
Aaron, I love I love I love the nightlife.
Okay, we could go dancing after dessert.
Phew.
And here I was afraid there'd be this big awkward silence.
- So, what do you love? - Ha, ha.
Uh, I'm not talking about whiskers on kittens.
Um.
Okay, things that I love.
Well, obviously, I love music.
And, uh Oh, I'm a big fan of old movies.
Oh.
You know what I really love? The Red Sox.
I can't believe we actually did it.
And, may I add, we only had to use half the screws.
Hey, guys.
Sabrina around? No, she ran out of here to have dinner with A friend.
Less than a friend.
An acquaintance.
A quasi-chum with a peg leg.
Morgan, Harvey knows about Aaron.
Well, he does now.
Ugh, way to go.
Yeah, I know all about Sabrina and Aaron, how happy they are, how they spend every waking moment together.
And how every time I hear his flipping name, I wanna break things into a thousand pieces.
Kind of like that? Harvey, you have a problem.
Yeah, I know.
I'm in love with a woman who loves another man.
I'd give anything for a second chance with Sabrina.
Breaking up with her was the biggest regret of my life.
Harvey, I wish there was something I could say.
I hate to see you broken up like this.
But if that's how you really feel, then you need to tell her.
Yeah, before she left to tell Aaron that she loved him would have been ideal.
What? That's it.
I can't wait around any longer.
I have to say it.
I have to tell her.
And linguini, fettuccini.
Boston terriers.
Uh, those Japanese monkeys that take steam baths.
Why won't he say it? Oh, and vintage cars.
Yes.
Okay, I get it.
You got a lot of love to spread around.
Okay, well, I told you all the things that I love.
- What do you love? You, you, you.
Nothing comes to mind.
Well, hopefully you'll love dessert.
Only if it's a sheet cake with "I love you, Sabrina" spelled out in sparklers.
This is ridiculous.
Feelings of love I cannot find Help me hear what's on Aaron's mind She looks so amazing in that dress.
This old thing? Thanks.
What? I didn't say anything.
Neither did I.
But I'll start.
Uh, penny for your thoughts? A penny? Ha-ha-ha.
You know, I once got a quarter for sticking my tongue on a hot pepper.
Oh, my God, I'm such a moron.
Oh, that's not a big deal.
I once stuck my tongue to the inside of a freezer.
I'm such a moron.
Wonder if I should tell her.
Yes.
Tell her, tell her.
I'm not sure how to put it.
I guess I should just be brave and see how she reacts.
Come on.
What do you want, a drum roll? Just say it.
I feel like there's something you want to tell me.
Actually, I do.
Sabrina, you got something right there.
Thanks.
Half-chewed spinach and me.
Well, there you go.
That's perfect.
Now can you take it apart and put it together in my room? She's home.
Remember, bold and decisive.
Unless she's already told him that she loves him, then just finish the cabinet and slink out the back.
Hey, Harvey.
I knew those two wouldn't get this thing together on their own.
So how was your night? Oh, I've had better.
You know, sometimes things don't go quite like you planned.
I'm really sorry to hear that.
Thanks.
Good night.
Sabrina, wait.
- What's wrong? - Everything.
Oh, it's not that bad.
You know, it's not my taste, but it will go perfect in Morgan's room.
It's not about the cabinet.
It's It's Just that I glued my shoes to the floor.
Well, I'm sure you're still doing better than the Blunder Twins.
Ooh, don't tell them I said that.
Good night.
Oh, you're up awfully early.
Never a good sign.
And you're home awfully early.
Slow night? Eh, the usual.
Cruised the alleys, knocked over a trash can, flower pot.
Well, I had a lousy night.
I totally chickened out when I tried to tell Aaron that I love him.
Fortunately, I found the perfect coach to help me express how I really feel: Cyrano de Bergerac.
The big-schnozzed wordsmith who always knows exactly what to say? That's the one.
But I've found a spell for a slightly more personal version.
Uh, I can't come up with The words alone So send me a Cyrano of my own Greetings.
Cyrano-Sabrina at your service.
Whoa.
That is one huge, ha, ha, cape.
Thank you.
Hopefully it doesn't distract from my more prominent feature.
Are you kidding? It's hardly "noseable.
" I mean noticeable.
I detect from the stammering speech and inarticulate phrasing that the lady needs help in wooing.
Actually, I think he's already been wooed.
I just need to tell him I "wuv" him.
Love him.
Have you tried: "Your eyes are like two flowers blooming in the morning sun"? No, not exactly.
Shouldn't I know how he's gonna respond before I blurt out something that embarrassing? Rejection.
Let's see if I can find the most articulate way to put this Duh.
Look, I just need you to do a little investigating.
You know, nose around a little bit.
I mean, well, your nose is lovely.
Your nostrils are like two flowers blooming in the morning Nice try.
Okay.
Now, remember, you're my cousin Sarah.
And you're, uh, on a break from your day job at the Renaissance fair.
Excellent.
Renaissance fair.
Perhaps my duties include jousting.
I know, I started out as an apprentice for a cocksure, yet dainty blacksmith who Okay, enough of your back-story.
Fear not.
Just leaveth me alone with him and I shall discern his feelings for you.
Me liketh.
Ooh, here he comes now.
My, he's a strapping comely lad.
Okay, one more thing.
Don't talk like that.
Hi.
- Hi, Aaron.
This is my cousin, Sarah.
- Mm.
Nose to meet you.
I mean nice.
Nice to meet you.
Be not embarrassed.
My nose shows character, it shows spine.
It shows heart, but only if I tip my head way, way back.
Ha-ha-ha.
She's funny.
Listen, I'm sorry.
I can't stay.
I gotta get back to the club.
I've got Sixpence None the Richer playing and I am swamped.
Actually, if you're still in town maybe you'd like to come? Oh, she'd love to.
Sarah's really into music.
Especially all the behind-the-scenes stuff, yeah.
I'm sure she has a thousand questions for you.
So, uh, thanks for asking her to tag along.
See you.
Yeah, I didn't actually mean She's rather fleet of foot, no? Where'd you say you're from again? Jersey.
- Oh, hey, Harvey, what are you? - Here.
- What's this? - You'll understand when you open it.
Earrings in the shape of sea otters? I thought you "otter" have them? And I think you "otter" start wearing your helmet at hockey.
Morgan.
Otter earrings? You promised me a bracelet that would make Sabrina's heart melt.
It turned out it made my heart melt too.
And it matched my outfit.
Pretty, huh? Yeah, okay, Perry, that looks great.
Yes, it does, if by great you mean the lighting is too dim and the sightlines are dreadful.
Ha, ha.
Excuse me.
I've been doing this a while and that Yeah, Perry, you wanna bring the lights up a little and, uh, make the sightlines less, um, dreadful? Thanks.
I'm sure you would have caught that along with that wild eyebrow.
Hey, check out that nose.
Hey, guys, come on.
What kind of remark is that? An extremely unimaginative one.
A better insult would have been: "You could check into that nose.
" Your lack of creativity is appalling.
Next time try, "Nice nose.
Did you keep the peel?" Or perhaps, "Do you smell Munich?" Okay, okay, I get the point.
Okay, now off with you.
I feel a sneeze coming on.
Wow, you really know how to take care of yourself.
And you're certainly not afraid to speak your mind.
I like that.
Good, because I'm also not afraid to thrash a man at a game of pool.
Well, I also hope you're not afraid of losing.
Because I am.
What is taking so long? I should have heard from Cyrano hours ago.
Yeah, about that.
So when's the last time you read Cyrano de Bergerac? It's been a while, but I remember it.
You know, inner beauty, love wins, big schnoz, blah-blah-blah.
Well, it's possible the blah-blah-blah was the creamy nougat of the story.
Because the person Cyrano helps woo ends up loving him.
What? I'm the wrong character? Oh, this is just fiction.
I mean, there's no way that I have nothing to worry about, right? Right.
Whoa.
Sarah, what are you doing? I mean, what just happened? Obviously, you have a short memory.
It went something like this.
Uh Whoa, we can't do this.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
You're a You're a great girl, but I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression.
Look, I've gotta go check on something backstage, but, um Look, you and I, we need to, um, talk about this later, okay? As you wish, I shall not move from this - Spot.
- Hi.
I was hoping to get a little update.
You know, how's the band? Do you like the food? Does Aaron love me with a love that lasts forever? The river runs its course.
That really doesn't tell me anything.
I can report that he is a worthy swain.
Okay.
The river thing was actually clearer.
He appears to be quite smitten with you.
Oh, good.
And I can also tell you that he is a splendid kisser.
Yeah, isn't he? Oh, I love that about What? In fact, I would have to say his lips are like two flowers blossoming in Back up.
There is no way he kissed you.
You must've kissed him.
Well, it takes two to tango.
You kissed and danced? Hey, come back here.
I'm not done with you yet.
Where are you going? Well, there's been a slight change in plans.
I've decided I'm keeping Aaron for myself.
Oh, not so fast, "Pi-nose-io.
" Are you saying Aaron hit on you? I'm saying men are easily seduced by words.
And words are, after all, my stock and trade.
Well, I don't care what you or your words say.
I totally trust Aaron.
But just in case I need to get the real story So give my nose a greater glory Anyone for a ring toss? Gracious.
Oh, I'm a small-nosed freak.
No more messing around.
This is what I should've done from the start.
- Who are you? - Exactly.
I'm a changed man.
No more Mr.
Nice-Guy.
And I think you're making a big mistake with Aaron.
You claim to have feelings for him, but you can't bring yourself to tell him.
Well, I have no problem telling you how I feel.
I love you, Sabrina.
Whoo! Oh, that is much easier without the face kebab.
- Sabrina? - Oh, thank heavens, no.
I am Sabrina's personal Cyrano.
Artist, poet, musician, and as of this morning, Renaissance fair roustabout.
Why couldn't I fall in love with a sprite or a wood nymph? If you'll excuse me, my work here is not complete.
Have you a conveyance of any sort? - Um, got a car.
- Oh, good enough.
Hey, wait.
I know your Sabrina's Cyrano, but do you think you could give me any advice on how to win her back? Well, Sabrina is a complex girl, a lass with many facets.
- A woman - I don't really have time for a soliloquy.
I'm guessing since she brought in professional help, she'll be telling Aaron she loves him any minute now.
A grand gesture would do the trick.
Godspeed, good Sir Nice Guy.
Oh, by the way, you are a much better kisser than Aaron.
You might wanna mention that to Sabrina.
Roxie, Morgan.
Is everything all right? I thought I heard Sabrina slam out of here.
Everything's gonna be great.
I just need to borrow your car.
- What happened to yours? - Yeah, you can't just run in here and take our car without some explanation.
It's a long complicated story.
- See, Sabrina - Oh, just take it.
Wait.
What about Sabrina? Let's just say drastic times call for drastic measures.
Wish me luck.
We've gotta do something.
We got Harvey all hopped up about telling Sabrina how he feels.
If he does anything to Aaron, Sabrina will never forgive us.
Fine.
Wow, this thing's like a divining rod.
Aaron, we have to talk.
I mean, uh, prithee, worthy swain-y.
We must converse-eth.
Yeah, I still wanna have a talk about that kiss.
Aha! So you did kiss her? I mean me.
Look, for the last time.
I didn't kiss you, you kissed me.
Oh, good answer, good answer.
But as they say, uh, takes two to tango.
We didn't dance.
Look, I just said that I liked you, but in a, you know, "my girlfriend's cousin, non-kissing, hands to yourself" kind of way.
Oh, Sabrina.
Boy, am I glad to see you.
Mm.
Sarah.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Aren't you Sarah? Of course I am.
I just like to talk to myself aloud.
You know, like, "Hi, Sarah.
" "Way to go, Sarah.
" And "Sarah, what are you doing here watching Sabrina kiss her boyfriend?" I don't rightly know.
Well, um, I'll just let you two catch up.
Did you two switch clothes? Actually, I don't want to know.
My, someone's nose is bent out of shape.
Not for long.
I'm not getting what I seek I give you back your big old beak And now you can follow your nose.
I've had it with your fancy talk and macking on my boyfriend.
See you.
Hmm, that's weird.
I just had my 25,000 ping service.
While you ponder, I take action.
Excuse me, my consort awaits.
This would be so much easier if I had any idea what she was saying.
Sarah, come back here.
Keep your eyes open.
I don't see Harvey anywhere.
Ooh, Harvey who? Focus, Morgan.
Okay, uh, you take the ladies' room, I'll check the men's.
Let me put this as eloquently as I can.
Keep your grubby mitts off my man or else.
Your mama.
I learned that from the bouncer.
Normally, I'd suggest pistols at dawn, but I think these will have to do.
Are you suggesting we play pool for Aaron's hand? Don't be ridiculous.
- Oh, good.
- I'm suggesting a duel to the death.
- Well, as long as it's not pool.
- En garde.
Here, now? Well, I'm not gonna make a big scene on Aaron's big night.
Whoo, nice shot.
Too bad you didn't call it.
Take that and that and that.
Take this and this and this.
Sabrina, I am so glad I found you.
I'm afraid something drastic is about to happen.
You think? Do you want two guys fighting over you in public? Ripping each other's shirts, getting all sweaty? On the other hand, boys will be boys.
Heh.
Why are you doing this? Because you can't rewrite a classic.
No, but you can rework it.
Didn't you see Leonardo in Romeo + Juliet? Oh, I love that.
He was great.
He always is.
- Hey, look, there he is now.
- Where? Sabrina, I have to talk to you about Harvey.
I think Morgan and I may have created a monster.
It's better than an alter ego.
I gotta go.
- So where do you think you're going? - Straight through you, if necessary.
Oh, I don't think so.
You mind if I made an announcement? Would you mind if I came to your house and sang in your shower? No, that would be great.
So if I could just borrow the mike? Had it with your fancy talk.
Hey, hey, hey, what's going on? You know you can't defeat me.
So why, pray tell, are you so willing to risk life and limb for him? Because, pray tell, I love him.
Never mind.
Hmm.
What did you say? I said, I love you.
There, I finally said it.
Aaron, I love you.
I love you too.
- You do? - Ha-ha-ha.
Yeah, I do.
Uh, excuse me, we actually have a couple of more songs to sing here.
Oh, right, sorry.
There, I don't know if you just heard, but he just said he loves me.
And I believe I heard you say that you love him.
Of course, I only had to kiss your beloved and beat you with a pool cue to get you to say it, but it's all part of being a tragic hero.
Wow, I did say it.
How can I ever thank you? Oh, your kind words and boyfriend's lips are thanks enough.
- Yeah, about that kiss - Gotta go.
Sabrina.
Hey, there's the man I love.
Ooh, I gotta say, I love saying that.
And I don't mind hearing it.
You know, we've gotta promise to be open with each other and not hold back.
Yeah, um, about that.
Something happened this afternoon with your cousin that I maybe I should tell you.
And yet some things are better left unsaid.
Hey, Harvey.
You know, I stopped by your house yesterday and met your Cyrano.
You did? I mean, oh, you did? So, uh, you know, what did she say? Was there kissing involved? Funny you should mention it, but, yeah.
Plus she gave me some really good advice.
She did? What did she tell you? Oh, you'll find out.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday.
I wonder if she's a better kisser than I am.