Shameless s07e16 Episode Script

Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given by 'im upstairs and kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Stay away! What sounds on earth could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face? Cos this, people reckon, and me included, is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented - to calm us all down, stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our heads but you pay the taxes! Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now! Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now! Scatter.
Party! I had this mate when I was a kid.
He was that rarest of things round our way, an only child, the only lad I've ever known who had a bedroom he didn't have to share, clothes that hadn't been handed down.
Didn't have to throw his food down his neck before someone else whipped it off the plate.
But he was still a miserable twat, cos it turns out the one thing he wanted was the one thing his mam and dad couldn't give him - a brother or sister.
And I said, "Have mine! Have any of 'em.
Have all of 'em! "They're not worth the bother.
" And I'll always remember this.
He said, "I would if I could.
" Ah! Ian! "I would if I could.
" Ian! Fuck off! No! Ah! Shut the fuck up.
Come here, shut the fuck - Ah! - Aah! Oh! Oh! Ian, no! Ian, what the fuck are you doing? - Fucking - Ian! - You shouldn't have done this.
- He did this, not you.
Brought him back here - we should never have brought him back here.
- He's gonna pay.
- We'll have to call the police.
And we might need an ambulance, too.
- No, him, not me! - Eh? He could be dead! Oof! - He's not.
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What are you worried about him for, what he nearly did to you? Hey, it's all right.
- You're all right.
Hey! - Call the police! And say what? We're the ones that'll end up in court.
Have you seen the state of his face? D'you reckon that'll work? She's done her research.
Coppers are behind her.
More supervision than endorsement.
They can't be seen to support this kind of thing, can they? Guns for vodka? Unless, of course, it's a big success, in which case, they'll be grabbing all the credit they can.
Even if it just gets one gun off the street "Whoever saves one life saves the world entire.
" Talmud.
Bollocks.
Gallagher.
Are you still in pain? Lillian reckons it might be the menopause.
Stomach upsets could be one of the symptoms.
One of a myriad! How's your foo-foo? - Your Mary.
- Your dugout.
Your flange-o-gasket.
Your sausage purse.
Your flower, is it full bloom or wilting? Me fanny? It's fine, thank you.
- Lesser men would blush! - Are you irritable? Well, that's hardly a symptom.
She's always fuckin' irritable.
See? Another life saved.
Delivered from a quick death by bullet.
Condemned to a slow, lingering demise as cirrhosis rots his young liver.
Hats off to Libby! - We need to leave.
- What about Connor? Maybe it's best if we just leave Connor out of this.
You're his mother.
Besides, I think Jamie might have his hands full for the next few days.
Let's stay, watch the fireworks.
He said he'd kill you.
I don't want to lose you.
So you walk out on Connor and leave him here with them? - With him.
- Yeah.
No.
I don't know.
I don't know! So we go.
We'll fuck off.
Leave the baby, and all that crap.
That guff you were feeding me about us being a nice little family, we'll just forget about that, yeah? This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't walked into the pub saying what you said.
- You gave me the idea - Telling Jamie - when I was planning on - when I told you not to.
- your best mate.
- You gave me no choice.
- Your fault I fell in love with you.
- You gave him no choice! Me and Mandy were happy enough before you came along.
I'd never so much as looked at another woman.
It's down to you in your tight tops and your short skirts.
And it's a good job I love you as much as I do.
Who else'd have you, eh? So we stay for Connor.
Yeah? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Mam, if you're gonna drop one, give us a bit of notice, will you? Been blaming the dog all morning and we haven't even got one.
Shut up, you knob.
I want you to keep an eye on him.
Keep him busy, keep him away from Jamie.
No way! I wanna see him kick the bastard's head in.
Rip his arms off.
Gouge his eyes out! Fry his spleen.
Spleen? Jamie'll be back inside before he knows it.
What, so we just let it go? Revenge is a dish best served cold.
- What the fuck does that mean? - What the fuck does what mean? Might be best if you let me go.
Keep my boss off your back.
I don't think you're in any position to make demands, do you? - He'll be missing me.
- I'm sure he'll find someone else to do whatever the fuck it is you do for next to nothing.
These jeans cost more than you earn in a month.
Shoes twice that.
I spend more on a haircut than you do on your fucking trackie bottoms.
Eh? It's interesting.
A slap, not a punch.
I ain't got a clue where I am.
Blindfold me, stick me in the back of your car, drop me anywhere you like - just lose me.
That way, when he sees what a mess you made of my face, he won't be able to do the same to yours cos he won't be able to find you.
You think I'm scared of your sugar daddy? I think you should be.
Some sad bastard that can only get a fuck by paying for it? I'd love to see you say that to his face.
Yeah.
You haven't called me a fucking queer yet.
You haven't called me a dirty little cocksucker.
Why's that? He's just noticed I'm missing.
Pocket.
Connor.
I want him back.
We want him back.
We can do this privately, here, now, or we'll settle it in court.
I don't want to, for Connor's sake, but I will if I have to.
I want me son.
My son.
DNA test.
My son.
There's more to a father than just being in at the conception.
See you in court, yeah? I never would have imagined there were so many guns out there.
Been in mothballs since the Hacienda shut up shop.
Manchester, so much to answer for.
- All this effort for what? - For a safer community, to show the decent folk out there there are other decent folk who'd be horrified at the prospect of even holding a gun, never mind using one.
If my life was in danger, I'd plug anyone without a second thought.
- It sounds like constipation to me.
- Oh, I'm in agony.
I need a curry.
That normally clears me pipes.
We need to talk about Roscoe.
McRae supplies him with a lot of money.
And the boys are gonna rob it.
- Shut the fuck up.
- Make my fuckin' day! Give it here, mate.
Get the money.
When I find out who you fuckers are Whoo! Make sure my boys are ready to handle Roscoe and whoever comes after him.
Go and tell Jamie to get out the pub till I ring him.
Just say "Roscoe".
Now.
Mimi! - Paddy's not here.
- I know.
You don't scare me.
I survived 11 years of the Thatcher government.
Ah! He terrifies the fucking life out of me.
Come on! Backing up, backing up! Frank? Are you still alive? Just.
But you never know, though - there might be a bullet out there with me name on it.
Could be one in here.
What can I do for you? More what I can do for you.
Word might get round that you'revulnerable, Mimi.
A woman on her own.
I'm covered, Roscoe.
Safe.
Roscoe.
Nutcase runs Moss Side.
Ian, we need help with this.
This is way out of our league.
- Call Carl.
- What the fuck use is he gonna be? You can trust him.
He'll be able to help us.
This first person you think of to help us, and it's Carl.
The first fucking thought that comes into your head, the first word that comes out of your mouth, and it's him.
I wonder why that is.
Because he's your brother.
- May we come in? - No.
- Maybe if we just come in - No, no, no.
Honestly.
It's not a good time.
I did say no.
You know how persistent they can be.
You'll have to go.
Not before you answer me one question.
Have you found him? No.
- We haven't found anybody.
Have we? - No.
No-one.
Would you let him into your life? Who? Jesus.
- No, I can't, I'm too busy.
- Two minutes of your time.
- Help! - Someone need you? - Help! Fucking help me! - Er, it's the radio.
- They'll fucking kill me! - Archers.
Help! I'm in the kitchen! - Come in.
- What?! Have a coffee.
Tell us about God.
- Maybe I could just leave you a pamphlet.
- Fuck the pamphlet.
We need your help! - Any advice you can give us.
Really! - Yeah, yeah, we're ripe for a conversion.
He's a sodomite and I've lain with his brother.
Whoa! Get out! Fuck! This estate has gone to the dogs.
Paddy Maguire's took his eye off the ball and the peasants have gone fucking feral.
- No respect.
- That's why I called you.
I took it upon meself to install a bit of discipline into their lives and get feudal on their arses.
You might want to pull the shutters down on your shop.
Might not be round long enough to need to.
Thanks for that tip about the Jockey.
I'll do a nice bit of business out of there.
I owe you.
Yeah.
Ssh! I don't want him anywhere near the pub in case Karen and Joe turn up.
Nappies, wipes.
He's due a feed in half an hour.
Just bung it in the microwave, take the chill off it, yeah? Breast's best, y'know.
Builds up his immune system.
- So I've heard.
- My Rodney's never had a cold.
He was on the tit till he were 11.
Then they had to stop when the dentist fitted his brace.
If only one of us were lactating I only have to hear a baby cry and I'm off like a garden sprinkler.
See? Mother Nature's miracle.
Fuckin' hell.
Ssh! Roscoe could come in any second.
Mam's managed to convince him that the scheme's worth a second chance, - which means more guns in that box.
- You got me in here to tell me that? Kneecaps Neville said if we can get our hands on any of the shooters, he'd give us a good price.
Reckons he can shift the lot.
We'll be minted! So all we've got to do, then, is distract the copper unscrew the six-inch bolts from the floor, pick up the bin with all the hardware inside and sneak it out without anybody noticing.
Mam, when you was in labour with Micky, was he deprived of oxygen at any point? No.
Did your diet lack nutrients essential for foetal neurological development? No.
- Dropped him on his head? - That was you.
So your behaviour wasn't any different to any of the rest of us? No.
Why? I was just wondering, y'know, how he became so earth-shatteringly - fucking thick! - Could be hereditary.
Well, y'know, on Paddy's side, obviously.
Y'know, potato famine.
Lack ofspuds.
Bound to have an effect on the old So, the girl's, what a friend? Girlfriend? Still haven't decided what to do with you yet.
Radar's working overtime, I'm not getting "girlfriend".
I could kill you right now and no-one'd ever know.
- Not the way you looked at me.
- Bury you on the moor.
- Seen that a thousand times.
- Don't push it! Been in the backs of cars with men like you.
They've got that same look.
What look? That one.
Fucking the arse off me while I'm bent over the baby seat.
Sugar daddy's little foible.
Had his favourite gun modified.
Piss.
I thought you didn't have the bottle, but now I know you have.
Let me go.
Please.
Ian? I heard her say your name before.
I'll do anything to get out of here alive.
Anything.
You say when and where.
It'll be our little secret.
You'd sooner fuck me than kill me, wouldn't you? Yeah.
Yeah, I would.
What's that? Hostage negotiations? Well, it's true.
Fuck's sake, Mags, wouldn't you sooner fuck anyone than kill them? Ian, that shouldn't have even crossed your fucking mind! I am committed to you.
I've entertained the idea of me and you getting married.
It's crossed my mind having kids one day, y'know, the way it does.
I get as far as the wedding day and me and you at the altar when the priest asks, "If anyone knows of any reason why these two shouldn't get married" And I turn to you and I say, "Promise "promise me "you will never, ever even think about sleeping with another man.
" But you'd never ask a straight bloke to promise never to think about sleeping with another woman.
Which is what you say at the altar.
Which is why I walk out.
You wanna see him dead? Ian! No! Ten minutesHold the fort.
- Where are you off? - Mind your fuckin' own.
When I'm running the risk of the Maguires legging it in here and taking a pop at you, it is my fucking own! Don't open until I get back.
Joe - I'm just on my way out.
- Where're you going? Pack your stuff.
Wait in the car for me.
We're getting out of this shithole.
Kellie.
- Special request.
- I told you I was off duty till later.
You've been asked for, recommended.
- By who? - A big tipper.
Karen? Are you OK? Hey I just need to make him understand exactly what's going on in my mind.
How can I do that when I hardly know myself? I need to be honest, but I'm not sure it's honesty he wants.
- Jamie or Joe? - I've built this kind of fantasy world.
It doesn't stand up.
It's built on nothing.
It's what he wants things to be, as opposed to the way they are.
Joe.
We're leaving, and I don't know if I want to.
Just tell him.
You know what he's like.
If you need to speak to him and you want someone to be there You're best keeping out of it.
But thanks.
- Fuck - I'm coming with you.
Don't get involved.
It's not your business.
No, you're my mate.
I'll come.
Look, I've got nowhere else to be.
I'll jump in the boot.
He won't even know I'm there.
Fuck off, Ian.
You're more mad than I am.
Karen! You ready? We're going.
Karen! I told you to get your stuff! Come on.
For fuck's sake, Karen! Grab what you need and leave the rest.
Now! It's another fiver for extracurricular.
Fuck! Lillian! Lillian! You haven't seen us, right? Put the clothes in the back.
Connor.
It's me, it's Mummy.
- Right, Karen Karen! - Right! Cheers, mate.
Tell Roscoe we're quits.
Where the fuck are they? - They got in a car, they just ran out.
- Where are they going? I don't know They've got my son! They've got my fucking son! - Please, Jamie - Fuck.
- What? - Jamie, no.
Roscoe's out there.
I will hunt you down.
I don't care where I have to go, what I have to do, how long it takes.
I will track you down and I will fucking kill you! With all the excitement, I forgot to ask where it is we're heading to.
Surprise.
I think I've had enough surprises for one day.
Shouldn't take us too long to get there.
Three, four hours tops.
Where? Like we can afford that You've bought? This is too fast, Joe.
Yesterday, I was somebody's wife.
I knew what to do when I got up, what needed to be done before I went to bed.
I had a routine.
Boring.
Predictable.
Mundane.
Mind-numbing.
Your words, not mine.
- Yeah, but - No buts.
You said it, Karen, time after time.
But that's just what you say when things get too much.
It's your way of coping.
- This is what you wanted.
- This is what you told me I wanted.
Would you make your fucking mind up? I know what this is all about.
- You've had your meds.
- What's that got to do with anything? You should try and give them a miss now and again.
You're more fun.
- Cheers.
- Ta.
- Can't believe the filth fell for that.
- Hundred per cent.
Unlike the vodka.
They're turning a blind eye to the incentive, but willing to try anything for a result, and it seems to be working.
My Brendon was shot.
I say shot, I mean assassinated.
- Was he a politician, an MP? - No.
He worked in the abattoir.
He was the one who, y'know His was the last face seen by many an unfortunate bovine.
I reckon it was a homie who had an eye on my patch.
What, your fucking cabbage patch? Lillian! Your work on this planet is done.
Return to your own people.
It's impressed no-one.
They're gonna come and surprise me.
Wait and see if they don't.
It's gonna be a horse's head and offers I can't refuse.
Fuck knows, it's been years since you've had one of them.
Nothing you'd like to hand to the policeman, Mr Roscoe? Me phone number.
Wit as well as good looks What a catch Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am? It's not a game of "who the fuck are you?" You wanna keep your missus under control, Frank.
Eh, it's nothing to do with me! If you wanna have a pop at her, go for it.
Fuckin' hell! Villains! You get rid of one and another springs up in their place, eh? Like warts.
I never thought I'd say this, but bring back Paddy Maguire, eh? Cheers! Cheers! What are you doing? I've gotta lay low till Jamie pops Roscoe, so I thought I'd put me time to good use.
Cut through here, grab the guns, pass 'em to Kneecaps and I'm quids in.
Except that if you carry on sawing there, you'll have the fruit machine through.
I measured it.
Five paces from the wall.
That's not the same wall.
This is the support wall.
The wall upstairs is the stud wall.
You're aboutsix foot out.
You need to cut here.
- Good luck, Micky.
- Is me mam back? She's behind the bar with Kelly.
Right.
You can help me get these guns.
- 60-40.
- 50-50.
- 65-35.
- Bye, Micky.
Look, all right.
I can't stop smiling! You, me, Junior I can't believe we did that.
- I wish I'd seen Jamie's face.
- This is funny? Karen, this is fuckin' hysterical.
That bastard's hidden behind his family for too long.
Get him on his own and all he is is father's son.
I thought this is what you wanted - you, me - and him.
- Him?! I just never thought this'd be the way I got him, that's all.
- How did you manage it? - You should've seen his face.
Went up to him this morning - "Give us Connor back!" You did that? You were missing your child.
Of course I did.
"Not your kid," he says.
DNA test says he is! You've had a test done? You've had a test done and you didn't even think to tell me? He didn't know that, did he? Didn't even look at it, - thank fuck.
- So he thinks Connor's yours? What did he say? The sort of crap you'd expect from him.
Some sentimental bullshit about how it takes more than being in at the conception to be a dad.
Tosser.
The baby.
All behind us now, though, eh? Soon as we get settled, get the divorce over and done with, nice little house, a few kids of our own "Of our own"? You know what I mean - a few little Pritchards.
Do you come here often? Not often enough.
And you don't fucking heed what is being said.
- I'm just telling the truth.
- Roscoe! Oh, fuckin' hell, he's pissed! He's pissed! Oi! Thought you was supposed to be offering us protection.
I need protection - from this soft sod.
- Sit down.
Something that I've always wanted to know Fuck off.
Hello again! Just been working down in the cellar.
Love working up a sweat, though.
Oh, aye? Thirsty work.
Better get you a drink, then, eh? My usual and whatever this young man wants.
Ice? Oi! You little bastards! We meet again.
Is Jamie in, Mimi? I'd steer well clear for now, if I were you.
What happened with the baby - I didn't have a clue? Not now, Chesney, I'm dying.
- It had nowt to do with me! - I'm fuckin' dying! OhI'm just trying to ring you! Roscoe was Behind you.
Paddy Maguire has three sons.
This is one of 'em.
I'm guessing that's the other two.
Get them here.
Get fucked, Roscoe.
Wait! Shane, you'd best get pack to t'pub.
Roscoe's here.
He's got Jamie.
What's Connor gonna do for a dad if you're not here? - Eee - Whoa, Frank, Frank! Look, we need your help.
Once we get the guns, we go upstairs and we sort Roscoe.
Ha! A poof, a psycho, - and aand aer - Piss artist? I was gonna say "invalid", actually.
What fucking use are we gonna be?! We've got family up there! Friends! Loved ones who are facing their darkest hour! We're their only hope.
Look, without us, our intervention they're facing certain death.
Oh, fuck Look! And it may get tough.
And some of usmight not get out alive.
But at least we tried.
The odds may be stacked against us but we can do this.
Just remember what it was that turned this country from Britain - into Great Britain.
- Courage, tenacity No! Being really fucking sneaky, getting in there first and twatting the cunts before they know what's hit 'em! Are you with us? You need to cut there.
Might help if you were a little less tense.
Well, he'll be picking up on that.
You think Jamie's just gonna let this go? The trick with people like Jamie, all the Maguires, is to make them believe they're better than they are, convince them they're more intelligent than you, stronger than you, more ruthless than you.
And whilst they're busy going round thinking they're God's gift - If he finds out - I can handle him.
And what about Paddy? - Cos when he hears - He won't.
He's not the only one with family in Ireland.
And I don't think we'll be seeing Paddy again.
On my count.
One - two - Oh Delivery vans.
Speed bumps.
We're getting a petition up.
Council's fucking useless.
You rang, milady? Three.
Hello.
Don't be sad.
Two out of three ain't bad.
Meat Loaf.
Modern poet.
Yeah, but, er, he didn't actually write You owe me.
The money we robbed off you was counterfeit.
It wasn't worth the paper it was printed on.
I don't give a fuck.
It cost me 150K of gear.
You owe me.
We'll get you your money.
And what about the damage to my reputation? How are you gonna compensate me for that? What have you got in mind? This place.
You should let these people go.
They've got nothing to do with this.
Nobody's going anywhere until your brother shows up and I don't care how long it takes.
Why don't you let the women go? How about letting the women speak for themselves? I'm not going without you.
- And I'm not going if she's not.
- And if you kill one of them, you're gonna have to kill all of us.
Are you gonna tell me whatever the fuck it is that's on your mind? Everything's changed.
Everything.
Who you are, or at least who I thought you were.
- I thought you'd be pleased.
- Pleased?! The things I'd done to get you, to win you.
- "Win"?! - You're having second thoughts.
Joe, I've not even had time to have first thoughts! I've not even had time to think about what it is that I genuinely want.
You've forced the situation.
I didn't choose this and Connor didn't choose this.
- Then choose now.
Choose! - You're frightening him.
Give him to Jamie.
He's such a good fucking dad.
- He's my son.
- You were trying to get rid of him a few months back.
- Couldn't stand the sight of him.
- I was ill.
No, you're wagging the finger at me and you were parking Junior - Connor! - off to anyone who'd have him! His name is Connor! - Screaming my name whilst his feet are - I was ill! I sacrificed everything for you, and this is how you repay me? "I don't know whether this is what I want.
" Well, fuck you! Karen Karen! I'm sorry! And I'm stupid.
I didn't mean Is that what you told Mandy? "You drove me to it.
It's not my fault.
" - Who the fuck are you phoning? - I knew it wouldn't work.
I knew it.
Me and you might have been all right for a few hours behind Jamie's back.
Agh! Joe, no! You're calling him?! We've not got a chance.
- After everything I've done for ya - Connor deserves - sacrificed for ya - I need to get home.
- I need to sort this - He doesn't love you! and tell him that this, from start to finish - He doesn't love you like I love you! - was a big mistake.
I never loved you.
You were a fuck.
Say you love me.
Say that you love me! - Get off me! - Do you love me? Say you love me.
Please, Karen.
Say you love me more than Jamie! Say you love me! Hey? Hey? Hey? Listen, right? Go home and do whatever it takes to make it work with Jamie.
I'll take care of this.
You go.
Look, just go.
Just go.
Ssh, Connor.
It's OK.
It doesn't look like he's coming.
So what's it to be? This is not your fight.
You point a gun at my friends' heads, - you make it my fight.
- Fuck's sake! You can go, all of ya.
But you two stay.
Doesn't sound like a very good deal to me.
- Or me! - Or me.
- Or me.
- And me.
- Or me.
- Or me.
- Or me.
- Or me.
- Or me.
- Or me.
- Or me.
- Or me.
- Or me.
- Or me.
- Or me.
- Or me.
I was forced into it.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Or me.
Ohhhhhh! Oh! Oh! Oh What is it they say? You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family? Cos in the end, that's all you've got, innit? Family.
It doesn't matter if family's you and your mates, you and your girl, you and your fella, or you, your mam, dad, and those bastards that stuck your head under the duvet when they farted.
It's all family.
Checkmate! I don't think so, Roscoe.
Eheheh It's all family.
All of it.
Fuck