The Simpsons s07e16 Episode Script

The Simpsons D'oh! band of pioneers leaves Maryland after misinterpreting a passage in the Bible.
Their destination: New Sodom.
This is their story.
This is gonna be great.
I hope they show the time where they traded guns to the Indians for corn and then the Indians shot them and took the corn.
- Egad! A monster! - It's a horrible fiend! It's some sort of land cow.
Stand back, fellow settlers.
Oh.
Ye have saved our fledgling community.
Mr.
Springfield, how can I hope to achieve such greatness? A noble spirit "embiggens" the smallest man.
- Yea! - Springfield rules! Way to go, Springfield! "Embiggens"? Hmm.
I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield.
I don't know why.
It's a perfectly "cromulent" word.
Now, as you all know, Springfield's Every class will do its part to make our local bicentennial just as memorable as our national bicentennial.
Of course, you children are too young to remember that with the possible exception of Kearney.
Those tall ships really lifted the nation's spirits after Watergate.
To celebrate our bicentennial, all 20 of you will write an essay aboutJebediah Springfield and the best 18 will be put on file in the school library available to anyone who requests them.
- Can we do illustrations? - No.
Hey.
They need volunteers to play old-timey people in the parade.
Look.
I can be a butter churner, a typhoid carrier, an apprentice! - I think I'll be an apprentice, Marge.
- What kind of apprentice? That's for my master to decide.
How about town crier? You'd be great at that.
- You think so? - Well, yeah, Dad.
You're a big, fat loudmouth - and you can walk when you have to.
- Aw.
Well, if you kids believe in me that much, I'll give it my best shot.
Dangerous river crossings threatened life and limb but helped our founding fathers save on bridge tolls.
Excuse me.
I didn't mean to startle you, but I do love to talkJebediah even when I'm drinking my chicory.
I'm the curator, Hollis Hurlbut.
Hi.
I'm Lisa Simpson.
I'm here to research a report on Jebediah.
Oh, you're in for a treat.
You know, some historians consider Jebediah Springfield a minor patriot but I think you'll find he's easily the equal of William Dawes or even Samuel Otis.
- Congratulations, Ned.
You are our new town crier.
- D'oh! May your shrill, nasal voice ring throughout our streets and brains.
Well, thankily-dank, Mayor.
I shan't disappoint.
"Har" ye.
"Har" ye.
I declare myself pickled tink about Springfield's bicen-citally ti-tin-toodily, rin-tin-tennial day! You su-diddly-uck, Flanders! Give me that.
Hear ye! Hear ye! Ye old town crier proclaimed crappy by all.
Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world.
Good God! He is fabulous.
Mmm.
He's "embiggened" that role with his "cromulent" performance.
Top-notch "criering," I admit, but the hat and bell belong to Flanders.
So no dice.
Oh, they're just family heirlooms.
That shouldn't stand in the way of Homer taking my job and- Less chat, more hat.
Whoo-hoo! Hear ye! Hear ye! The Homer broadcasting system is on the air! All hollering, all the time.
I'm gonna make- You're to restrict your criering to the parade - and selected preapproved publicity events.
- Okay.
This case holds our most treasured exhibit: objects owned and used byJebediah.
Here's his fife, upon which he sounded the sweet note of freedom his hatchet, with which he hacked at the chains of oppression and his chamber pot.
Wow.
Excuse me.
My microwave johnnycakes are ready.
"The Secret Confessions ofJebediah Springfield"? "Know ye who read this, there is more to my life than history records.
" Firstly, I did not tame the legendary buffalo.
It was already tame.
I merely shot it.
Secondly, I have not always been known as Jebediah Springfield.
Till 1796 I was Hans Sprungfeld, murderous pirate.
And the half-wits of this town will never learn the truth.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" Oh, my God.
Our town hero is a fraud.
"I write this confession so that my infamy will live on long after my body has succumbed to my infectious diphtheria.
" Ew.
Here's johnnycakes.
Is everything okay? You look a bit flushed.
Oh, it's just the excitement of studying Jebediah.
Sounds like you've come down with a serious case of"Jebeditis.
" Just when I was getting over my Chester A.
Arthritis.
- Did-You had arthritis? - Um, no.
Hear ye.
Hear ye.
What's for breakfast? - Toast.
- I don't understand thee, Marge.
Hmm.
Ye olde toast.
Whoo-hoo.
What would you say if I told you thatJebediah Springfield wasn't as great as he's cracked up to be? Look.
Jebediah was really a vicious pirate named Hans Sprungfeld.
His tongue was bitten off by a Turk in a grog-house fight.
No tongue, eh? How did he talk- and eat and laugh and love? He had a prosthetic tongue made out of silver.
Yes.
That'd do.
He was one of the evilest men of the 1780s.
He even tried to kill George Washington.
The dastard! - Give me all your money.
- Never! Ooh! Aaah! I got the white stars you wanted, but I couldn't find any red hearts, yellow moons or green clovers.
Well, I'll use it, but I'm not paying for it.
The next time Hans Sprungfeld was seen he had changed his name toJebediah Springfield.
Lisa, honey.
When my family first came to this state they had a choice of living in Springfield or Stenchburg.
You know why they chose Springfield? Because everyone knows Jebediah Springfield was a true American hero.
End of story.
- I believe you, honey.
- You do? Of course I do.
You're always right about this type of thing and for once I want in on the ground floor.
Oh, thanks, Dad.
Ralph.
"A.
" Janey.
"A.
" And, Lisa, for your- essay "Jebediah Springfield: Super-Fraud," "F.
" - But it's all true.
- This is nothing but dead-white-male bashing from a P.
C.
thug.
It's women like you who keep the rest of us from landing a husband.
Well, nice talking to ya.
- Lisa? - Miss Hoover thought I made the whole thing up.
She called me a P.
C.
thug.
Well, I've been called a greasy thug too, and it never stops hurting.
So here's what we're gonna do: Grease ourselves up real good and trash that place with a baseball bat.
That won't help, Dad.
No one's ever gonna believe me.
But you have proof! We could go get that confession out ofJebediah's fife.
- We could? - Come on.
- We can use the baseball bat to smash open the case.
- No baseball bat.
Oh.
- Hi, Mr.
Hurlbut.
- Oh, you're back.
And you brought a friend.
Town crier.
I'd like to ask you a few questions.
One: Where's the fife? And two: Give me the fife.
Hey! Stop! I've got nothing but respect for the office of town crier but this is well outside your jurisdiction.
Oh, yeah? Well, put this in your fife and smoke it.
What the- That's Jebediah's secret confession.
It proves he was a fraud.
"The Secret Confessions ofJebediah Springfield.
" Oh.
I think, Lisa, that you've been taken in by an obvious forgery.
Unfortunately, historical research is plagued by this sort of hoax.
The so-called confession is just as phony as the Howard Hughes will the Hitler diaries or the Emancipation Retraction.
But it explains why there's no record ofJebediah before 1795.
He was Hans Sprungfeld until then.
That's preposterous.
Now get out.
You're banned from this historical society.
You and your children and your children's children.
For three months.
I'm not gonna give up.
I refuse to believe that everyone refuses to believe the truth.
- I'd like 25 copies on goldenrod- - Right.
- um, 25 on canary- - Canary.
- 25 on saffron- - Mm-hmm.
- and 25 on paella.
- Okay.
100 yellow.
You don't have to help me with this, Dad.
Oh, sure I do.
I always believe in helpin' the little guy.
And you're the littlest guy I know.
- Question.
Is your name Ridley Scott orJames Cameron? - No.
It's Homer.
Then I will thank you to stop peering at my screenplay, Homer.
And if I see a movie where computers threaten our personal liberties I will know that you stole my idea.
I'm just waitin' for my kid.
Mental note.
Steal his idea.
Hi, Apu.
Can I put this poster in your window? Well, of course you can, you little pixie.
Oh.
You're just as sweet as the sticks which bear your name.
No, no.
No, no.
No, no, no.
Take that down.
As a semi-legal immigrant, your poster could land me in a predicament as red hot as the candies which bear that name.
- He wouldn't let me put it up.
- Okay.
Well, that's not gonna stop us.
I know a much better way to get attention.
Hear ye! Hear ye! My daughter has something to tell you aboutJebediah Springfield.
Aw, the little cutie wants to do somethin' cute.
Shut up, ya bums! Shut up! Go ahead, angel.
Jebediah Springfield was nothing more than an evil bloodthirsty pirate who hated this town.
Good God! Homer, you know, I support, uh, most any prejudice you can name but your hero phobia sickens me.
You and your daughter ain't welcome here no more.
Barney, show 'em the exit.
- There's an exit? - "Evil bloodthirsty pirate.
" Hello.
Town Jubilation Committee? Yeah.
I got something that's gonna make you a lot less jubilant.
Can't you understand, little girl? Jebediah was no criminal.
That's right.
The reason they say he had a silver tongue is because he was such a fine speaker.
That's a myth that got mixed up with the truth.
You are tampering with forces you can't understand.
We have major corporations sponsoring this event.
I hope you know you're sponsoring a celebration for a murderous pirate.
A pirate? Well, that's hardly the image we want for Long John Silver's.
Well, I see no way of settling this.
I say we imprison them for the duration of our bicentennial.
There is one way.
Get the silver tongue.
IfJebediah's who I say he is, then it should still be in his grave.
Why, that's highly unorthodox.
Yes, but human decency prevents- Dig him up! Dig up that corpse! If you really love Jebediah Springfield you'll haul his bones out of the ground to prove my daughter wrong.
Dig up his grave! Pull out his tongue! Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse? Now, Lisa, when you see there's no silver tongue in there will you stop trying to ruin Jebediah's reputation? - Yes.
- What do we win if the tongue is there? - Credibility.
- Aw.
What a gyp.
Jebediah Springfield has been replaced with a skeleton! No.
That's the skeleton ofJebediah.
Gotcha.
Gotcha.
Okay.
Uh, well, let's start looking for that silver tongue.
Don't forget to look in his shoes.
When I lose something, sometimes it turns up in my shoes.
Actually, if it's anywhere it would be lodged in the sinus.
All right.
Here goes.
Forgive us, Jebediah.
We mean no disrespect.
Well, that settles that.
There is no silver tongue, is there, Bonesy? Oh, I wish, Chief.
With that kind of dough, I could buy me some eyeballs.
Well, that's the spirit, Bonesy.
- Why don't you sing a song for the nice people? - All right.
I was so sure.
- Hear ye.
Hear ye.
Everybody makes mistakes.
Let's go home.
Not so fast, Simpson.
This foul business was all your fault.
By the power vested in me, I hereby strip you of your ceremonial bell- No! No! and tri-corner hat.
You will have the hat cleaned and then return it.
Oh, Dad.
I'm really sorry.
I know how much you wanted to be in the parade.
Oh, it's not your fault, honey.
I'm supposed to be the responsible one.
I shouldn't have let you let me get carried away.
Why did you dig up the bones of the past? Why did you disturb the ghosts of history? I- I- General Washington? You did some good work exposing Jebediah, Lisa.
Don't stop now.
There's just one piece left in the puzzle.
But I've caused so much trouble already, General Washington.
I can't go on.
We had quitters in the Revolution too.
We called them Kentuckians.
Well, I'll just have to find another little girl to be president.
What's your friend Janey's number? No! NotJaney! She'll pack the Supreme Court with boys! Oh, let me help you, George Washington.
I still want to help you! I want to help you, George Washington? Even your dreams are square.
Can you open my milk, Mommy? I'm not Mommy, Ralph.
I'm Miss Hoover.
The missing piece of the puzzle.
I've got it.
! You? What are you doing here? I was right aboutJebediah, and now I can prove it.
Oh, please.
Not that claptrap again.
Haven't you hurtJebediah enough with your childish tales of pirate ships and fisticuffs and a silver tongue that can't be found? - That's because you stole it! - That's a lie! I'm an antiquarian, damn it.
It's my job to seek out the truth.
But when you found the truth you couldn't take it.
You couldn't stand that you devoted your life to a fraud so you covered it up, didn't you? - Didn't you? - No.
No.
That-That's preposterous.
I mean, I- I couldn't.
You-You can't- Stop it! Where's the silver tongue? I thought no one would ever find it.
When I pried open the coffin it was there- that shiny tongue sticking out ofhis mouth razzing my entire career- my-my life.
Before the dust could settle, I pocketed it.
- But I thought I had you fooled.
- You did.
Until I realized thatJebediah's confession was saying more than he meant it to.
How else could he have gotten this? Sprungfeld must have taken it with him when he ran off after the fight.
- Exactly.
- This celebration is a sham.
And it's all my fault.
We've got to get the word out to every man, woman and child in town.
Stop! Stop everything! Stop the parade.
- What? - What's goin' on here? - This is highly unorthodox.
- This is Lisa Simpson.
She's discovered something very important aboutJebediah Springfield that you need to hear.
People of Springfield, I, um- I don't know quite how to say this- Don't be shy, little girl.
Think ofJebediah, and the words will come.
I did a lot of research on Jebediah Springfield, and- - Hmm.
I think I can pick her off.
- Wait.
Let's see what she has to say.
Jebediah Springfield was- Jebediah was great.
I, um, just wanted to say that I've done some research, and, uh he was great.
Yeah.
- Well said.
- Great speech! Jebediah would be proud of you.
- Why didn't you tell them? - Because the myth ofJebediah has value too.
It's brought out the best in everyone in this town.
Regardless of who said it, a noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.
- Well, hey.
It's Homer.
Good to see you, nei- - Get lost.
Hear ye! Hear ye! Hear ye! He is not the official town crier! Police, do something! Well, I'd like to, ma'am, but he's too damn good.
Let him march, boys.
Let the man march.
It's that team ofJebediah Springfield Whip them horses Let them wagons roll That a people might embiggen America That a man might embiggen His soul - His soul - Hyah.
His soul Hyah.
! Hyah.
Shh!