Will and Grace s07e16 Episode Script
Dance Cards & Greeting Cards
Wow, look at this place! Someone either has an admirer or they just won the Kentucky Derby And Grace's legs are spattered with mud Who's all this from? And why are they sending you men's clothes? Wait, these aren't all from Scott Woolley? Yeah, my former nemesis is in love with me It just keeps happening First Anita Bryant, now this guy Well, I said the same thing to him I said to Anita: "Squeeze your own oranges!" Besides I met someone - Really? - You did? / Tell us Yes, we met online We've been exchanging messages for a few weeks and he's funny and charming and He says he's fat Really fat! I don't know, Karen You gotta be careful You can't trust people you meet on the Internet I went on a date with this guy I met online, and he seemed really nice But at the end of the evening, I stole $200 from his wallet You know, and people lie all the time, so don't get your hopes up He's probably not as fat as he says he is WellI guess we'll find out soon enough I invited him out to Shelter Island to our country club's annual Valentine's Day dance I'll know him because he's going to be wearing a green string around his wrist Yeah, 'cause you wouldn't want to walk up to the wrong 500 pound man Àª Àª & Àª & ±× Àª & ±×·¹ Àª & ±×·¹ÀÌ Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º ½ÌÅ© Á¦ÀÛ ÇÑ±Û ¹ø¿ª ½ÌÅ© ÆíÁý ÃÖÁ¾ Å×½ºÆ® Ohh I wonder if my date's here yet Oh, my God Check out the chunk of a hunk in the black suit with the big, white smile Oh, I hope that's him That's a piano Where the hell are all the queers you promised us, Karen?! God, even the waiters are straight It's unnatural Oh, honey Black, white, gay, straight-- What's the difference? We all finish ourselves off in the end anyway That's lovely I'd almost forgotten it was Valentine's Day Jack, be patient It could still happen The next guy you see could turn out to be Mr.
Right Well, well, well Or maybe not - Why, Beverley Leslie - Karen Walker Just breaks my heart that you don't have a partner for the spotlight dance How ever will you lead it without a partner? Such a pity a bottle of rum can't waltz Actually, I do have a date Yes, I was just on my way to meet him by the punch bowl Or, as you would call it, the swimmin' hole You know, Jack, I think you're right No one's gay.
And everyone's so old There isn't a neck here you couldn't jump rope with Oh, my G-dash-D You'll never guess who's here! Greg Evigan from TV's "BJ and the Bear," and then, after a brief hiatus, "My Two Dads"? You know, I never realized just how gay both those titles are It's a wonder he didn't go on to star in "Hey, Faggot!" Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Pay attention! It's that long-limbed lothario Scott Woolley Look at him over there, fingering my date Happy Valentine's Day! Oh, Brad, you said there was a party It's just a lonely old woman sitting at her desk Hey, hey, hey! I don't normally sit here My desk is there And the party's upstairs - Where is everybody? - Wrong floor The stupid party celebrating the meaningless day is upstairs I take it you're not a big fan of Valentine's Day I think it is a ridiculous, trumped-up-- exceedingly handsome, chiseled holiday Yeah, I agree It is the most chiseled of all the major holidays Uh, one flight up Have a good time You know, for someone who hates Valentine's Day it seems like you have an awful lot of admirers Either that, or you're about to die - Oh, wait That's only funny - if you're not about to die Are you about to die? Uh, I don't think so Unless you're here to kill me - Wow.
We're in an awkward place - Yeah I'm Nick I'm Grace Now, you listen to me, Woolley! You and me ain't never gonna happen-- Never! Ya hear me?! Get the hell out of here before my date arrives! - Oh, oh, you got a date - Yes, I do.
A big one Enormous, actually Uh, 400 pounds, but moves like 380? That's right Loves midnight snacks on the beach, horseback eating, and, uh Will be wearing a green string around his wrist? You're ElevatorHazard at whalewatcher.
com? - I hate to point out the obvious-- - I know-- Why is a pretty girl all by herself on Valentine's Day? Yeah.
No, actually, I was gonna say you can't possibly eat all those chocolates by yourself Oh! Want one? Yeah Not that one.
Or that one No, no, no You know, you just said no to an empty wrapper Well, there's a little coconut on it All right, take it Ohthanks You're obviously not in a festive mood It's just this whole day, it's like an evil conspiracy Created by the greeting card people and the flower people and the candy people Well, not the candy people They doGod's work You know, I, uh, I don't think the card people are that bad, either Oh, they're the worst Reducing love To a cartoon dog holding a bow and arrow, saying, "I love you.
" Well, you see, this is just a bad card I mean, first of all, he should be saying, "I ruff you.
" Right? And why is he holding a bow and arrow if you're not gonna do something with it Like, um, uh "You are the target of my love," or, "Your love makes me quiver.
" Maybe not that one Sounds sexual A little weird coming from a dog How about one with a dog on one side and a lying creep on the other, and inside it says, "Your husband's got a bitch on the side.
" You know, I can bring that up at the morning meeting, but they tend to frown on calling dogs bitches and vice versa Wait, you're serious? You write greeting cards? Eh, I prefer to think of them as extremely short stories Okay, I'm gonna try and be careful here about what I say next 'cause I don't want to offend you But your job is lame Hmm, and, uh, I'm guessing by the rows of fabric and the tassels, you work for UNICEF? At least I don't perpetuate the myth that if you're not in love in the middle of February that there's something wrong with you Hmm, and the real myth must be that February 14 is the only day you're unpleasant and bitter Whoa You know what? Uh, this is over So why don't you just go up to your party-- - OH! - Ohh! My-- I'm so sorry! Here Have a chocolate Not this one You're not bleeding Where's the bartender?! Why, Karen It's been an hour, and there's still no sign of your date What are you implying, Beverley Leslie? That I lied, that I'm just vamping until I think of my next move? Just trying to fill time by saying meaningless words-- knickknack, lamp shade, hullabaloo, soft shell crab Excuse me My sister wanted me to ask you if you'd be interested in dancing with her-- Lucille, I did not - She wants to dance with you - I did not! I wanted the cute one! No, no, he is the catch He looks just like that young actor from all those magazines What's his name? Sal Mineo Thank you.
God, I haven't heard that in over 50 years Well, how can you girls remember Sal Mineo? Why, neither of you look a day over 40 Eh, made 'em happy Didn't cost anything You know what? We would love to dance Oh, why not? We haven't done this in ages I just hope we don't hold you back Oh, nonsense, we'll-- we'll take it slow Five, six, seven, eight! Flim-flam, Ed Bradley, nipple clamp, doo-dah parade Well, I hope your beau shows because if that spotlight finds you all alone my business associate Benji and I will be forced to laugh Roll back and forth on the floor and laugh and just clutch each other and roll and laugh And talk about business Listen, Seed of Chucky, why don't you just leave me alone?! Why don't you make me? I'll make you Aah! If you bother the woman that I love one more time I'm gonna rip out your tiny arms and give 'em to her on a charm bracelet Honey, no one's ever offered to dismember a dwarf and make jewelry out of him for me before Beverley meet Scott Woolley My date - Your date? - Oh! Benji! Benji! He was so big! Really, Karen? I'm your date? Oh, yeah, sure.
Why not? Karen, you've made me the happiest man on the face of the earth Oh, honey That's exactly what Anita Bryant said Ow.
Ow.
That eye stings And it tastes a lot like gin I got it from my assistant's freezer Huh.
Is your assistant Courtney Love? Not as together - I am really, really sorry - That's all right You didn't mean it, did you? I mean, you're not homicidal, are you? Because it looks like you've been doing some psychotic gardening Oh, uh, this isn't psychotic This is - Tough year, huh? - Mm-hmm Well, I can sympathize I recently lost my wife Oh, my God.
That's just-- I'm so sorry Yeah, the divorce was just finalized last week Divorce? I thought she died! Hey, take it easy There's a music box in that thing Look, I just-- You know what? I, um, I don't like to say "divorce" because it sounds like I did something wrong Whereas if she died, at worst, I'm guilty of negligence Ooh, dark.
I like that Look, I don't know if it's the ice cubes talking but would it be crazy if we kissed right now? On Valentine's Day? Can we do that? Isn't that a little cliche? - Where's the party?! - Upstairs Maybe that was a sign That we shouldn't kiss or that you need to get a lock on that door? Both Uh I should probably get back to, um, you know, UNICEF Ah.
Well, I guess this makes us star-crossed lovers Oh Yeah, it's really tragic Well, technically it can't be tragic if we haven't kissed That's true Do, um, do star-crossed lovers ever get to see one another again? Hard to say 'Cause, you know, usually one or both of them dies Well, then, let's make sure we eat well and look both ways before crossing - because I'd like to see you again - Me, too Let me help you with the-- - I'll take care of it - Thanks.
Okay.
Well, well, well I see you boys have met the Portillo sisters They're my favorite members of this club who aren't completely Caucasian Well, they're terrific dancers The only way I could keep up with them is by pretending both of them were drag queens Heaven forbid! As social chair of this club, and board member of the Shelter Island Republican Party I can assure you two men will never dance together on this floor Did I hear you correctly? Could you say that again and tilt your head up? Surely you're aware of the winds of change that are blowing through our fair nation I'm sorry, I'm a wee bit confused Um how can I put this delicately? You're a raging 'mo yourself, no? I don't know what you're insinuating but my precious wife Crystal would be here tonight But I tragically lost grip on her wheelchair while maneuvering her down the 10,000 steps of Chichen-Itza! I absolutely adore you You are the brightest angel in all of heaven Also, I'd like so much, so much, to get into your pants.
I would Honey, now, don't make me cry Okay, boys Two Lemon Drops Ah, don't worry about us We don't drink We switched exclusively to pills six years ago Look, we have to go We, um, just found out your club has a policy against gay couples Oh, we know You see, dears, um We tell people we're sisters But we're really sisters Portia de Rossi Degeneres, you're lesbians?! But that's impossible Your makeup is flawless We've been hoping this place would change for 40 years-- / 30 But we see now that it's never gonna happen Yeah, and what's the point in taking a stand? Tragic I know.
Sisters and lesbians All right, everyone, it's time for the traditional spotlight dance Okay, honey, we're up! Come on! Okay.
Karen, sweetie, just one quick word Thank you This is the first time I've ever felt truly happy Honey, I can't I-I thought you were just a kook, but it turns out you're a sweet kook Honey, I can't do this to you To me, this is just a dance So there's-- There's nothing between us? Nothing And I'm sorry, because I like you Well, liking sometimes blossoms into loving Loving somebody Not this time - What if we-- - Never gonna happen Thank you At least I--at least I got to feel something You're welcome Thank you What's this? Karen Walker without a date? I beg of you to not gawk at her like a hideous circus freak How dare you? I have choked on olives bigger than you! All right, so I'm alone! Again.
Go ahead, stare! Or you could stare at this Shall we? - I've been waiting for 40 y-- - 30 Oh, Benji, I can't stand the sight of all this homosexual dancing! Let's just close our eyes andsway Hey Hey, you finally got here Did I miss anything? Eh, nothing Wanna dance? I would love to? We are good at this We're like the best dancers here ÀÚ¸· Á¦ÀÛ - ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Will & Grace ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Á °ÇºÎ ¹èÆ÷ / ¼öÁ¤ ±ÝÁö ¹èÆ÷½Ã ÀÚ¸· Ãâó¸¦ ²À ¹àÇô ÁÖ¼¼¿ä
Right Well, well, well Or maybe not - Why, Beverley Leslie - Karen Walker Just breaks my heart that you don't have a partner for the spotlight dance How ever will you lead it without a partner? Such a pity a bottle of rum can't waltz Actually, I do have a date Yes, I was just on my way to meet him by the punch bowl Or, as you would call it, the swimmin' hole You know, Jack, I think you're right No one's gay.
And everyone's so old There isn't a neck here you couldn't jump rope with Oh, my G-dash-D You'll never guess who's here! Greg Evigan from TV's "BJ and the Bear," and then, after a brief hiatus, "My Two Dads"? You know, I never realized just how gay both those titles are It's a wonder he didn't go on to star in "Hey, Faggot!" Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Pay attention! It's that long-limbed lothario Scott Woolley Look at him over there, fingering my date Happy Valentine's Day! Oh, Brad, you said there was a party It's just a lonely old woman sitting at her desk Hey, hey, hey! I don't normally sit here My desk is there And the party's upstairs - Where is everybody? - Wrong floor The stupid party celebrating the meaningless day is upstairs I take it you're not a big fan of Valentine's Day I think it is a ridiculous, trumped-up-- exceedingly handsome, chiseled holiday Yeah, I agree It is the most chiseled of all the major holidays Uh, one flight up Have a good time You know, for someone who hates Valentine's Day it seems like you have an awful lot of admirers Either that, or you're about to die - Oh, wait That's only funny - if you're not about to die Are you about to die? Uh, I don't think so Unless you're here to kill me - Wow.
We're in an awkward place - Yeah I'm Nick I'm Grace Now, you listen to me, Woolley! You and me ain't never gonna happen-- Never! Ya hear me?! Get the hell out of here before my date arrives! - Oh, oh, you got a date - Yes, I do.
A big one Enormous, actually Uh, 400 pounds, but moves like 380? That's right Loves midnight snacks on the beach, horseback eating, and, uh Will be wearing a green string around his wrist? You're ElevatorHazard at whalewatcher.
com? - I hate to point out the obvious-- - I know-- Why is a pretty girl all by herself on Valentine's Day? Yeah.
No, actually, I was gonna say you can't possibly eat all those chocolates by yourself Oh! Want one? Yeah Not that one.
Or that one No, no, no You know, you just said no to an empty wrapper Well, there's a little coconut on it All right, take it Ohthanks You're obviously not in a festive mood It's just this whole day, it's like an evil conspiracy Created by the greeting card people and the flower people and the candy people Well, not the candy people They doGod's work You know, I, uh, I don't think the card people are that bad, either Oh, they're the worst Reducing love To a cartoon dog holding a bow and arrow, saying, "I love you.
" Well, you see, this is just a bad card I mean, first of all, he should be saying, "I ruff you.
" Right? And why is he holding a bow and arrow if you're not gonna do something with it Like, um, uh "You are the target of my love," or, "Your love makes me quiver.
" Maybe not that one Sounds sexual A little weird coming from a dog How about one with a dog on one side and a lying creep on the other, and inside it says, "Your husband's got a bitch on the side.
" You know, I can bring that up at the morning meeting, but they tend to frown on calling dogs bitches and vice versa Wait, you're serious? You write greeting cards? Eh, I prefer to think of them as extremely short stories Okay, I'm gonna try and be careful here about what I say next 'cause I don't want to offend you But your job is lame Hmm, and, uh, I'm guessing by the rows of fabric and the tassels, you work for UNICEF? At least I don't perpetuate the myth that if you're not in love in the middle of February that there's something wrong with you Hmm, and the real myth must be that February 14 is the only day you're unpleasant and bitter Whoa You know what? Uh, this is over So why don't you just go up to your party-- - OH! - Ohh! My-- I'm so sorry! Here Have a chocolate Not this one You're not bleeding Where's the bartender?! Why, Karen It's been an hour, and there's still no sign of your date What are you implying, Beverley Leslie? That I lied, that I'm just vamping until I think of my next move? Just trying to fill time by saying meaningless words-- knickknack, lamp shade, hullabaloo, soft shell crab Excuse me My sister wanted me to ask you if you'd be interested in dancing with her-- Lucille, I did not - She wants to dance with you - I did not! I wanted the cute one! No, no, he is the catch He looks just like that young actor from all those magazines What's his name? Sal Mineo Thank you.
God, I haven't heard that in over 50 years Well, how can you girls remember Sal Mineo? Why, neither of you look a day over 40 Eh, made 'em happy Didn't cost anything You know what? We would love to dance Oh, why not? We haven't done this in ages I just hope we don't hold you back Oh, nonsense, we'll-- we'll take it slow Five, six, seven, eight! Flim-flam, Ed Bradley, nipple clamp, doo-dah parade Well, I hope your beau shows because if that spotlight finds you all alone my business associate Benji and I will be forced to laugh Roll back and forth on the floor and laugh and just clutch each other and roll and laugh And talk about business Listen, Seed of Chucky, why don't you just leave me alone?! Why don't you make me? I'll make you Aah! If you bother the woman that I love one more time I'm gonna rip out your tiny arms and give 'em to her on a charm bracelet Honey, no one's ever offered to dismember a dwarf and make jewelry out of him for me before Beverley meet Scott Woolley My date - Your date? - Oh! Benji! Benji! He was so big! Really, Karen? I'm your date? Oh, yeah, sure.
Why not? Karen, you've made me the happiest man on the face of the earth Oh, honey That's exactly what Anita Bryant said Ow.
Ow.
That eye stings And it tastes a lot like gin I got it from my assistant's freezer Huh.
Is your assistant Courtney Love? Not as together - I am really, really sorry - That's all right You didn't mean it, did you? I mean, you're not homicidal, are you? Because it looks like you've been doing some psychotic gardening Oh, uh, this isn't psychotic This is - Tough year, huh? - Mm-hmm Well, I can sympathize I recently lost my wife Oh, my God.
That's just-- I'm so sorry Yeah, the divorce was just finalized last week Divorce? I thought she died! Hey, take it easy There's a music box in that thing Look, I just-- You know what? I, um, I don't like to say "divorce" because it sounds like I did something wrong Whereas if she died, at worst, I'm guilty of negligence Ooh, dark.
I like that Look, I don't know if it's the ice cubes talking but would it be crazy if we kissed right now? On Valentine's Day? Can we do that? Isn't that a little cliche? - Where's the party?! - Upstairs Maybe that was a sign That we shouldn't kiss or that you need to get a lock on that door? Both Uh I should probably get back to, um, you know, UNICEF Ah.
Well, I guess this makes us star-crossed lovers Oh Yeah, it's really tragic Well, technically it can't be tragic if we haven't kissed That's true Do, um, do star-crossed lovers ever get to see one another again? Hard to say 'Cause, you know, usually one or both of them dies Well, then, let's make sure we eat well and look both ways before crossing - because I'd like to see you again - Me, too Let me help you with the-- - I'll take care of it - Thanks.
Okay.
Well, well, well I see you boys have met the Portillo sisters They're my favorite members of this club who aren't completely Caucasian Well, they're terrific dancers The only way I could keep up with them is by pretending both of them were drag queens Heaven forbid! As social chair of this club, and board member of the Shelter Island Republican Party I can assure you two men will never dance together on this floor Did I hear you correctly? Could you say that again and tilt your head up? Surely you're aware of the winds of change that are blowing through our fair nation I'm sorry, I'm a wee bit confused Um how can I put this delicately? You're a raging 'mo yourself, no? I don't know what you're insinuating but my precious wife Crystal would be here tonight But I tragically lost grip on her wheelchair while maneuvering her down the 10,000 steps of Chichen-Itza! I absolutely adore you You are the brightest angel in all of heaven Also, I'd like so much, so much, to get into your pants.
I would Honey, now, don't make me cry Okay, boys Two Lemon Drops Ah, don't worry about us We don't drink We switched exclusively to pills six years ago Look, we have to go We, um, just found out your club has a policy against gay couples Oh, we know You see, dears, um We tell people we're sisters But we're really sisters Portia de Rossi Degeneres, you're lesbians?! But that's impossible Your makeup is flawless We've been hoping this place would change for 40 years-- / 30 But we see now that it's never gonna happen Yeah, and what's the point in taking a stand? Tragic I know.
Sisters and lesbians All right, everyone, it's time for the traditional spotlight dance Okay, honey, we're up! Come on! Okay.
Karen, sweetie, just one quick word Thank you This is the first time I've ever felt truly happy
Go ahead, stare! Or you could stare at this Shall we? - I've been waiting for 40 y-- - 30 Oh, Benji, I can't stand the sight of all this homosexual dancing! Let's just close our eyes andsway Hey Hey, you finally got here Did I miss anything? Eh, nothing Wanna dance? I would love to? We are good at this We're like the best dancers here ÀÚ¸· Á¦ÀÛ - ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Will & Grace ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Á °ÇºÎ ¹èÆ÷ / ¼öÁ¤ ±ÝÁö ¹èÆ÷½Ã ÀÚ¸· Ãâó¸¦ ²À ¹àÇô ÁÖ¼¼¿ä