Black-ish (2014) s07e17 Episode Script

1 DRE: If you're a hopeless romantic, you probably think love happens just like it does in the movies.
Which makes you a sucker.
But every once in a while, lightning does strike for some gullible fools.
I'm so sorry.
No, no.
It's totally okay.
Okay, good.
Ba ba ba ba - I'm Olivia.
- You're just too good to be true - Can't take my eyes off of you - Hey, watch.
Watch.
- Okay.
- Hey, watch out! Oh! Ohhh! All right.
Guess that means shirt off.
At long last, love has arrived Here we go.
- You ready? - Check it up.
- Okay.
- Oh! Oh! Oops.
Oh.
My bad.
Guess the pants are coming off.
Unh, unh Unh, unh, unh I need you, baby If it's quite all right I need you, baby To warm the lonely nights I love you, baby Trust in me when I say okay It's okay Oh, pretty baby Don't let me down, I pray Oh, pretty baby Now that I've found you, stay All right.
That should do it.
[Sighs.]
Thank you so much.
That thing has been going off for three days.
Beep! Beep! Beep! Oh, no.
Now my love detector's going off.
Think I need a recharge.
These two were in L-O-V-E.
No wonder Junior thought it was time to take the next logical step.
Hey, you know, we should move in together.
Oh, my gosh.
Yes, I would love to! Beep! Beep! Beep! - There it goes again.
- Ooh.
[Gasps.]
Ooh! Oh! Spider came back.
Ugh.
Look at its leg.
- Get it away from me.
- Ugh! - Please, you know, I-I cannot - Look, Junior.
- Look at the leg.
- I don't do spiders! [Indistinct conversations.]
JUNIOR: Good morning, everybody.
I have got great news - Donuts are on me.
- Whoo! Because Olivia and I are moving in together.
[Booing.]
Why are you booing? Why does everyone else get to be happy? Well, I didn't boo, son.
I've been looking forward to the day you move out ever since I saw you throw a football for the first time.
STEVENS: Are you sure you want to do this, Junior? Women only show you the best parts of themselves until they trap you.
That doesn't scare me.
There's nothing that I don't want to know about her.
Are you sure? When I moved in with my wife, I found out a gang of stuff.
She didn't know how to use chopsticks, refused to do laundry and she didn't love me.
Look, Junior, trust us, okay? You do not want to find out her "feminine secrets.
" [Chuckles.]
If I'd wanted to know what a tampon was for, I would have gone to medical school.
Okay, thank you, guys, for the advice, but what we have is different.
Sometimes, we just stay up late at night, looking into each other's eyes, identifying colors - we didn't even know existed.
- Man? I always thought my eyes were green, but it turns out, Olivia says they're a minty sage with gold flecks.
When I told you that, you called HR.
Don't let 'em rattle you, Junior.
I won't.
I've got this.
I just gotta find an apartment.
Oh.
Well, in that case, let me give you my card.
[Chuckles.]
Let me see.
Unlicensed taxidermist.
Freelance blood collector.
Reverse border coyote.
Royal food taster.
Ah! Here we go.
Charlie Telphy, apartment rentals.
- Hm.
- Tell you what - I'm only gonna charge you 10% commission.
- All right.
5% if you can find a place with a room for Charlie.
- [Laughs.]
- [Chuckles.]
Junior was moving out, and there was only one thing left to do.
- DIANE: Here we go! Make a toast! - Oh, oh, oh, oh! - Come on! Let's go! - Okay, okay! [Groaning.]
I gotta shake it! What's going on here? What's going on? You know, we stopped asking questions years ago.
All I know is that he's gonna let us drink champagne - after this, okay? - Mm-hmm.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We are not popping champagne to celebrate Junior moving in with Olivia.
- What? It's not every day - Why? that I get to get rid of a son, Bow.
You know, you're just being a bad sport because you're losing your better half.
No, I'm very happy that they're moving in with each other.
I just wish he had more time to live on his own.
I mean, think about it - he went from here to college - Mm-hmm.
- for three days, then back here - Then back here.
and then he moved in with his roommates - back here - Back here.
and now he's moving in with his girlfriend.
- You're right, Bow.
- Hm.
We should change the locks.
Stop.
- What? - I'm serious.
When I lived on my own, I grew a lot.
I learned how to be comfortable being with myself, and not having to fill every moment being with other people.
But But Hold up.
So, is Junior moving out or not? - Yes.
- Look, I'm trying to get estimates - to knock down his wall.
- RAINBOW: What? Jack and I have big plans.
- Two words dual Pelotons.
- Mm-hmm.
- DRE: I'm with that.
[Cellphone ringing.]
- Oh! It's my drywall guy.
- Your what? - Hey, yo, Eli! - What is good? - E Let's talk numbers.
That bid's gonna have to come down, okay? - I'm tired of it.
- Wait, did he get Dad's credit card? I already faxed it over.
- Are you - Bow.
There's nothing you have to worry about, all right? I never lived alone, and I'm fine.
[Chuckling.]
Oh, you are not fine, Dre.
You asked if we could be buried in the same coffin.
I can't help it if people love being around me.
No, no, Dre.
You really need to learn how to be by yourself.
You know, when I lived alone, I would read a book and have a cup of tea for hours, and I would meditate, and you know what? You could do the same.
You could.
If you were more of an evolved human.
But maybe that's just too much to ask of you.
- You're crazy.
- Hmm.
And you got me all wrong.
Would Beyoncé's "Me, Myself and I" be my favorite song if I didn't like being by myself? In fact, me, myself and Dre [Glasses clinking.]
are gonna go drink this champagne.
- Without you.
- Oh, great.
All right, then.
- [Cork pops.]
- Bastard! Oh! What the Oh, my g Oh, my goodness gracious.
I forgot I shook it up.
[Dogs barking in distance.]
Ah.
Here we are - 666 Sulphur Canyon Alley.
- [Siren wailing in distance.]
Oh, wow, uh, Charlie, this this neighborhood is interesting.
If you're referring to the smell, it's because, until recently, it was an unlicensed animal shelter.
Yeah, Charlie, I d I I don't think so.
I I I don't know.
I think we should see it.
- Oh.
Great.
- Yeah.
I'll go look for the hide-a-key.
- Okay.
- Well, it's less of a key and more of a screwdriver.
Hm.
Okay, we are not living here.
Well, we should at least look inside.
Some of these old buildings have good light or rare tile.
- Okay, rare tile, huh? - Yeah.
Well, maybe we can admire the rare tile while we're living in a 500-square-foot staph infection! We're on a budget, okay? What about the loft downtown? You can't just call it a loft because there was no wall separating the bathroom from the kitchen.
That's just disgusting.
The two-bedroom in South LA? - South of Wilshire? - Yes.
In Los Angeles? My dad did not move out of the hood just so I could move right back.
You are really living up to your name today, aren't you? What are you talking about? You know, I figured we'd learn something about each other in this process, and I'm learning that you're just like your father.
Oh.
If I was like my father, my favorite Beyoncé song would be "Daddy Lessons," - not "Me, Myself and I.
" Okay? You crazy.
- Okay.
- You got me all wrong, woman.
- Whatever.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I really think we should go inside.
Standing in one spot for too long is a sign of aggression in Little Haiti.
- [Dog barking in distance.]
- [Sighs.]
Can you believe Olivia thinks I act just like Dad? You know, I've been told I'm like Mom or I've been told I'm like a less cool Steve Urkel.
Someone even said I'm like if Drake never left "Degrassi.
" [Chuckles.]
- I really hit a nerve with that one, didn't I? - Yeah, you did.
- But no one has ever said I'm like Dad.
- Mm.
What could she have possibly seen to even think that? Well, you must have done something for her to feel that way.
Did you say you wanted one French fry, - band then you ate them all? - Hm.
No.
I pointed out that she has terrible taste and that I don't work my ass off to live in a tenement.
God.
A Black man can't get away with anything in this place.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, now I see it, too.
- Junior, this is bad.
- Mm-hmm.
There's only one person who can get away with being like Dad, and that's Dad.
And that's only because he trapped Mom with five kids.
Right.
- Do I really sound that bad? - Mm.
I wasn't trying to be a jerk.
I just It's really stressful trying to find a place.
[Gasps.]
Blaming your poor behavior on your stress.
[Exhales sharply.]
You're just like Dad.
- You know what? - Wow.
Maybe there's still time to fix this.
Right? [Chuckles.]
I'm not gonna stomp my feet.
I'm not gonna roll my eyes.
And I am not gonna overreact.
I can control myself.
I'm not gonna be like Dad.
- Okay.
Okay.
Oh.
- Right? He's gonna be living in his car again.
- Yeah.
- Man goin' crazy.
[Car engine revving on video game.]
DRE: Bow might have thought she was special because she could sit alone for a few minutes, but anything Bow could do, I could do better.
- Oh, wow.
Look at this a forward! - Oh, my God.
Oh, you know, most people skip over this, but, no, not me.
When I read a book, I like to devour it from cover to cover.
Now, let me see what Beanie Sigel has to say.
You know you're proving my point, right? Shh.
Do you mind not disturbing me? - I'm trying to read.
- Uh-huh.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- JACK: [Sighs.]
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, Dad.
- Yeah? I rigged a Super Soaker to shoot foam darts and a Nerf gun to shoot water.
Ah.
I feel like when Thomas Edison invented the light switch.
How did you build up enough pressure? And And does the water gun shoot foam darts one at a time, or did you switch it over to full auto? Oh.
- You know what, son? - Yeah.
I really don't have the time for this right now.
I'm kind of enjoying some alone time.
- Oh.
Okay.
- All right.
Thank you.
[Chuckles.]
Mm.
[Sighs.]
You know, I'm gonna I'm gonna need a bookmark.
You know, I'm probably gonna finish this in one sitting, but, you know, just in case.
Oh.
Look at this.
An unpaid bill for our property tax.
Ah.
Perfect.
You're ridiculous, Dre.
I'm gonna go read on a freeway on-ramp, because that is a quieter place than here.
- [Spoon clinking against cup.]
- Mm-mm-mm-mm.
[Baby cries in distance.]
[Chuckling.]
Oh, wow.
Yeah, thanks for agreeing to see this one.
I know it's not our dream, but I think it has potential.
I'm sure it's gonna be great.
This place has lots of amenities a kitchen, walls, windows that close, ceilings in every room.
Yeah, it's really spacious.
And And I know it's got a view of the liquor store with the neon clown on top, but We'll just get some, uh, blackout curtains.
Problem solved.
Are you sure? Totally sure, babe.
Okay.
And I know it's also super beige, but we can paint.
You can't paint.
So, we get some plants to warm it up.
No problem.
You should get a Venus flytrap.
And if there's such thing as a Venus roach-trap, you should get one of those, too.
- Yep.
- Okay, I like it.
But what do you think? And be honest.
Honestly? I am totally down with whatever puts a smile this big on your face.
- Aww.
[Chuckles.]
- Charlie, we'll take it.
Won't he do it? And they said I couldn't rent a place where someone died.
Oh.
I was determined to prove Bow wrong.
The only problem was books are dumb.
They're basically spoilers for movies.
It was time to find my own way of being alone.
Yeah, like communing with the spirit of music.
[Strumming single notes.]
Sometimes, music is dumb, too.
I need to immerse myself in nature.
Oh Perfect.
Diane! Jack! Come see what I did to this little-ass tree! Bow?! Mama?! Janine?! [Whimpers.]
Turned out Bow was right.
No matter what I tried, I couldn't enjoy being alone.
[Planter shatters.]
Now, we're gonna need your first month's and last month's rent.
- Okay.
- We would need a credit score, but nobody in the building has credit, so you're good to go on that.
- Of course.
- Oh, this is so exciting.
- [Chuckles.]
- [Chuckles.]
Okay, okay.
All we have to do is sign these papers and the place is ours.
Yep.
[Chuckles.]
All we have to do is sign this lease.
- Yes.
- All right.
Yep.
So - Mm.
- Mm.
Mm.
Do you want me to sign it first? No, no, no, no.
I got it.
It's just a It's a simple, two-page lease.
I just I want to review it to make sure we don't have to have a lawyer look at it.
You know? Oh, no, no.
It's your standard slumlord agreement.
Yeah, I'm sure it is.
- Yeah.
- Right.
Oh.
Oh, no.
Is this a blue pen? Ugh.
I feel like we have to sign in black to make things legal and binding, of course.
Oh.
Okay, Junior, what's going on? I cannot live in that dump! - What? - All the trees in that neighborhood were cellphone towers, and they still had rats living in them.
I'm sorry if I'm acting like my dad, but my dad takes great care of our family, and he has great taste.
You know, there's a reason that I'm named after him, and that's because ain't no Johnson staying up in that apartment.
[Door opens, closes.]
- Wow.
- [Sighs.]
I'll tell you moving in together is never easy.
- Mm.
- That's why I recommend Charlie Telphy's relationship counseling.
Oh, sorry.
That says "cognac sommelier.
" Sorry about that.
JUNIOR: Check this out.
Would you be okay living in an apartment with a 20-foot neon clown outside your window? Unless I was a fugitive, absolutely not.
And would you be okay living in a fifth-story walk-up just to save 20 bucks a month? I didn't move out of the hood just to move right back into it.
Thank you! Olivia's just so full of bad apartment ideas.
- Mm.
- I had to let her know what's up.
- [Chuckles.]
- Just like you would.
Guess I'm just a chip off the old block.
Ha! The hell you are.
- What? - Come on, son.
You're nothing like me.
But But I-I-I put my foot down.
I-I pouted.
I was so full of false confidence for no reason.
I-I even honked at a church bus on the way home.
It was a very Dre Johnson moment.
Yeah.
But you probably felt bad after you did what you did, huh? Which is nothing like me.
Son you're compassionate, you're kind, your heart is usually in the right place.
Those are the things that Olivia likes about you, and so do I.
Hell, sometimes I wish I could be more like you.
Really? Yes.
It would do wonders for my blood pressure.
Wow.
I really made a fool of myself.
[Exhales sharply.]
Sometimes, our partners see things in us that we can't see in ourselves, which makes us defensive.
If it were me, I would dig in deep and make it worse.
But don't be like me.
All right? You have a chance to be a new kind of Johnson.
You're right.
I'm gonna go back over there.
Hey, you know, Dad, you can change, too.
You just have to brush up on some nurturing and listening techniques.
Nah.
I got a good thing going.
I don't want to mess it up.
- Okay.
- [Both laugh.]
[Knock on door.]
Damn it, they're beautiful.
I bought the most apologetic bouquet they had.
They call it the Tiger Woods.
[Sighs.]
All right, come on in.
Look, I'm sorry about the way I acted.
When you said I was acting like my dad, just something short-circuited in my brain.
Let's just say there are certain aspects of his personality that I consciously try not to lean into.
Well, to be honest, I've seen enough of you and your father together to know that I was pushing a button.
[Chuckles.]
So, I guess our apartment search is right back where it started.
Yep.
It's gonna be hard to find the perfect place that we can afford, where we can still cuddle and watch reality TV on the couch.
And make our special dinners in a kitchen with an island and cuddle in bed and do New York Times crossword puzzles on a Sunday morning, like we do here.
I know we wanted to find a new place to make a fresh start, but do you just want to move in here? - Yes, please.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- [Chuckles.]
Just like in the movies, Junior and Olivia hit a little snag.
Luckily, with a little wisdom from Dad, their love conquered all.
It's just the kind of sappy ending you suckers eat up.
[Sighs.]
- Hello.
- Hey.
Hi.
- Well, in case you are wondering - Mm.
- I had a great day.
- Oh.
I found a peace that one only gets from being alone.
Mm.
You hated it, didn't you? I did.
You know, even though I found out I'm a bonsai master I couldn't even really enjoy it because I couldn't share it with the people that I love.
Aww, that's so sweet.
You know, it's kind of on me, Dre.
I can't expect you to do something - you don't have the discipline to do.
- Mm.
- It's like a dog.
- Hey You know, you can't ask a dog to not eat the treats and then leave the treats on the table.
- It's a dog.
- Mm.
[Cellphone chimes.]
Are you looking at your phone? - No.
- I can't believe you.
- You are a dog, too.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
- I'm not.
- Mm-hmm.
- I just I I'm not good at being alone anymore.
Babe, you are not alone.
I am alone, Dre.
I only have like 15 followers on Instagram, and it's just hard.
It's hard being alone by yourself with your thoughts.
- I used to be so good at it.
- Mm.
But now I can't even enjoy myself because all I'm thinking about is how terrible it is in the world and how, when we die, we are gonna be forgotten within two generations.
And that's why I don't want to be alone.
I don't want to think about that stuff, either.
I have dark thoughts, Bow.
You have dark thoughts? Left to my own devices, all I think about is the fact that you're gonna die before me and what a hassle it's gonna be for me to start dating.
Is that what you think about when you drink this tea? If I'm not listening to a podcast, yes.
- Okay, you know what? - [Sighs.]
We both are bad at being alone, so maybe you and me should see how things go being together.
Hm.
You want to rewatch "A Different World"? Yes, I do, because when I stopped talking, all I was thinking about was the polar ice caps melting.
I need a palate cleanser.
Can we skip the first season? 'Cause it only got good once it turned into a Black college.
- Right? - Yeah.
Hey, you want to see how I pruned the hell - out of this little-ass tree? - I do, I do, I do.
All right.
I gotta dig it out of the trash can, - but I got it.
- You threw it away? - I can't believe I believed - [Mouthing words.]
Everything we had would last - So young and naive for me - [Mouthing words.]
To think she was from your past Silly of me to dream of one day having your kids Love is so blind It feels right when it's wrong I can't believe I fell for your schemes I'm smarter than that So dumb and naive to believe that with me You're a changed man Foolish of me to compete When you cheat with loose women It took me some time, but now I moved on Because I realized I got Me, myself and I That's all I got in the end That's what I found out And it ain't no need to cry I took a vow that from now on I'm gon' be my own best friend - [Record scratches.]
- Whoa.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you doing? Uh nothing.
Huh.
What are you doing? Nothing.
- Okay.
- Cool.
Yeah.
It's cool.
A thousand times I have cried so many times I can't regret time spent with you I can't