M*A*S*H (MASH) s07e17 Episode Script

[High-pitched Singing.]
You were right.
It is human.
Charles was convinced someone was torturing the camp mutt.
In one hour, a doctor will be visiting from the Swedish Red Cross Hospital.
A lady doctor, and rumor has it she is a blonde Swedish lady doctor whose name is [Chuckles.]
hold your breath Inga.
[Chuckles.]
Uh, this woman, I take it, does not yet know that you exist? I am nothing but the tall, dark and handsome who skulks among her Gypsy's tea leaves.
Doesn't that strike you as just a wee bit overconfident? I am the essence of overconfidence.
I am speculation adventure, the spirit of pursuit the stag howling for its winsome yet anonymous mate.
I am the love call of evolution the perfume and color offlowers as they offer their pollen to the gentle fuzz of the bees.
I am sex itself, gentlemen.
I am life! I am appetite! And I'm not taking my clothes off till he leaves.
- Dr.
Halvorsen, good evening! - Hello.
I'm Corporal Klinger.
Corporal Max Klinger.
Allow me to help you with your luggage.
V.
I.
P.
Tent's right that way.
- I hope my attire doesn't shock you, Doctor - No, not at all.
The outward trappings of my unfortunate insanity.
To tell you the truth, I don't belong here.
If two doctors will sign a form, I'll be able to go home.
And so far, I've got all but both of them.
You know, I may be able to help you.
Oh, you can? You mean it? Yeah, well, I have a colleague in Copenhagen who does sex-change operations.
- Yeah? What's that? - Well, you would finally be transformed into a woman.
It's very sophisticated surgery, but, uh, it's possible.
You mean, somebody You mean, take a knife and and - Yeah.
- They're crazier than I am! - Okay, I'll take over, Klinger.
You'll get a snag in your tutu.
- With gusto, Captain.
I'm definitely working the wrong side of the street here.
How do you do, Doctor? I'm Hawkeye Pierce, the local chief surgeon.
Hello.
I'm Inga Halvorsen.
[Laughs.]
- You're laughing at my accent? - No, no, no.
That's not laughing.
That's delight.
If I may say so, Doctor, your voice is the sound track of my dreams.
- Please, call me Inga.
- Your, uh Your, uh, room is right down the hall here Inga.
[Chuckles.]
I think you'll find these first-class accommodations.
Hot and cold running rodents everywhere but the Mess Tent which they refuse to patronize.
Surgery when you least expect it and the occasional fireworks display to celebrate the end of civilization as we know it.
- Oh, it sounds lovely.
- We got four stars - from the International Hellhole Society.
- [Knocking.]
- Forget it.
- Come in.
- Ah, Dr.
Halvorsen.
Welcome.
Dr.
Winchester.
I see the bellboy is still here.
I brought you a bottle of Chateau Lafite '37 a modest little welcome of inestimable value.
Ah, the grape whose misty skin is a pale membrane between the workaday and the holiday.
While you're in camp, I definitely recommend an evening with Charles.
We don't get Milton Berle here.
- Will you be here long, uh, Doctor? - No.
Our country wants as many physicians as possible to study combat surgery so we are rotating on very short tours of duty.
Ah, Sweden the jewel in the crown of Scandinavia.
Charles loves the Swedish people, don't you, Charles? - With a passion.
- Many's the time he's told us about Christina.
- Remember Christina, huh? [Chuckles.]
- Don't play.
[Chuckles.]
Christina is our scullery maid at home rosy cheeks, buxom, devilish personality.
She drove me wild as a teenager.
Of course, later, I got a look at her mother when she came to visit.
You know how lumpy Swedish women can become in later life.
[Charles Laughs, Then Stops Abruptly.]
Course, that would never happen to you.
- Well, I hope not, anyway.
- Good night, Charles.
- You would never allow yourself to get - It's too late now.
- Lumpy.
- Bye.
[Both Laughing.]
- Where did you get him? - We're trying him out.
We think he can replace dysentery.
Okay, bunkies.
I'm gonna need your utmost cooperation.
I have persuaded Inga to come over here and join me for a little doctor talk.
- Is that faster than a speeding bullet? - Nice.
Face it, Pierce.
She was far more attracted to me until you began assassinating my character.
- You assassinated his character? - Yeah.
I let him talk.
Pierce, if I have ever led you to believe that you are in any way above contempt I am profoundly sorry! I love the way he sweeps out of a room.
Breaks my heart to see such good friends quarrel.
All he's got is drums and cannons.
- I want her to melt, not keel over.
- Try the "Arioso" by Bach.
Peg and I like to put it on at bedtime.
- Is that really romantic? - Ever seen my baby pictures? Uh, listen.
Are you gonna be leaving soon? I find it difficult to entertain a guest of the female persuasion while you sew your underwear.
- [Chuckles.]
- [Classical.]
[Chuckles.]
That's beautiful.
[Chuckling Continues.]
What do you think a Swede would go for? Something that looks like rosé or something that looks like burgundy? - Mmm, burgundy.
- [Knocking.]
Okay.
- Hello.
- Am I too early? No, you're perfect.
Uh, this is my unavoidable bunkmate, B.
J.
Hunnicutt.
- Hello.
I'm Inga Halvorsen.
- Hi.
- What are you sewing? - He's working on a new flag.
Bye.
Oh, really? I sew too.
It keeps my fingers nimble for surgery.
Funny, I do surgery to keep up on my sewing.
He'd love to talk more, but he has a severe throat infection.
Really? What are you taking for it? I know an ancient Swedish remedy.
Oh, if only he could take it.
He's allergic to Swedish.
He faints at the sight of small meatballs.
Amscray.
Gee, with this throat infection, maybe I should get some sleep.
- How would you like to be put unconscious permanently? - [Laughs.]
Actually, I was just leaving.
Bye.
Don't hurt yourself rushing out.
- [Classical.]
- Oh, the "Arioso.
" I love that, don't you? Oh, it's been my favorite for quite a while.
Um, a little red wine? Thank you.
Mmm.
I love wine.
What is this? Uh, it's, uh, homemade.
Uh, it's similar to wine, but it's, uh, not as unsanitary.
Grapes grow in the dirt, you know.
So.
Um, I have brought my notebook.
You don't mind if I take notes, do you? Take notes? Well, I'm good, but I'm not noteworthy.
- Well, we are going to talk about medicine, aren't we? - Oh, absolutely.
Absolutely.
But there's no reason we can't have a few laughs too.
You know what they say in the Reader's Digest, "Laughter is the best medicine.
" May I tell you something about your ears? Would that offend you? - My ears? - Some people's ears just hang from their head like a pair of wrinkled omelets.
But yours draw back tenuously from your cheeks in gentle swirls.
I, uh, thought we were going to talk about Gray's Anatomy, not mine.
Gray has a fabulous personality, but he's got no body whatsoever.
- Doctor - Spurn me, reject me, but lend me your ears.
I think I will sit over here.
[Chuckles.]
Now, how do you perform an end-to-end anastomosis? - You really want to talk about surgery? - Yes.
How about if I just show you my appendix scar? - Anastomosis.
- Uh-huh.
[Switches Off Phonograph.]
Okay, let's say this is the heart.
There.
One bladder, good as new.
Do you do anything about the acetabulum? All we can do is put a cast and a five-cent stamp on him and get him back to Seoul.
But his hip will fuse, and he will never have the same mobility.
Yeah, I know.
But you can rebuild the bone stock of the acetabulum.
Do you have bone rongeurs and osteotomes? Right away, Doctor.
Do you need bone clamps? Lane clamps if you have them.
Wait.
We can't do anything fancy.
I got people waiting for this table.
- But it only takes an hour.
- Oh.
It's your decision, Captain, but if it only takes an hour, shouldn't we do it? Let me show you what I mean.
You have to reconstruct and create a shelf to cover the head of the femur.
Nurse, uh, close the skin for me, will you please? You build a shelf, do you out of the fragments? Ja.
We've been doing it in Sweden for a year or so.
You have to osteotomize the pelvis down into the sciatic notch.
- Colonel Potter, I think you ought to watch this.
- On my way.
- Finish the dressing, Kellye.
- We have to be careful of the sciatic nerve.
I can't leave the table.
Can you describe it to me? We'll be taking some of the bone from the ilium and using it as a wedge to hold the fragments in place.
Of course.
Devilishly clever, huh, Pierce? - Yeah.
Nifty.
- This should come in very handy, Doctor.
Can you see from the back row, Pierce? Not too well, but I'll try to move down during intermission.
Ah, Pierce.
Recovered yet? - From what? - The great Benjamin Franklin Pierce bested by a mere woman.
Women are far and away my favorite sex.
Come off it, Pierce.
You can't stand it.
I saw you in there, seething with resentment.
What are you, nuts? She's a doctor.
She had a better procedure, and she showed us.
Charles, why do you insist on seeing the worst in people? - What I didn't like was the way she did it.
- On the other hand No, really.
She could have shown a little more consideration.
She could have done it quietly.
All of a sudden she's in an amphitheater.
I was about as useful in there as an umbrella stand.
- So that's all that bothered you, huh? The way she did it.
- Yeah.
I've got a big piece of news for you, Captain.
Charles is right.
The fact that she's a woman is what gets you.
- You must be kidding.
- Oh, you love the women.
As long as they're cute and charming and following orders, you're happy as a clam.
You're fine with the handmaidens, but let a woman be an equal Really makes your hair fall out, doesn't it? Margaret, could you find a better simile? I haven't treated you like a professional? All you think about with women is one thing.
- In some cases, not even one.
- Hard smash to your left, Margaret.
That's supposed to cut me to the quick, right? You've got a yardstick that's three letters high S-E-X.
And you measure every woman in the camp by it.
- Great backhand.
- What are you getting so excited about? I'm sick and tired of the way you chase the nurses! Now that you've met a woman who's on your own professional level - I'm loving every minute of it.
- As am I.
- Yeah, well, you're talking through your hat.
- It's a small camp, Captain.
I know all about your attempted tryst last night and I happen to know how it turned out.
Margaret, I have something really pithy to say to you but I think we should step outside first.
- Fight.
Fight.
Fight.
- Oh, close your hole! - Quiet! How dare you do that to me in front of a roomful of people? - I have to work with them! - You'll work with them a lot better when you start treating them like people! Don't hand me that baloney.
You're not standing up for her as a woman.
- You're really jealous of her, aren't you? - Jealous of her? - Olive green.
- Over you? Don't be an ass.
You think everything revolves around you and your spectacular body, don't you? - You're raving.
- You think a woman is dead until she lives for you.
Well, let me tell you something, Benjamin Franklin.
We actually survive without you.
We live, we breathe, we dream we do our work, we earn our pay.
Sometimes we even have our little failures, and then we pull ourselves together all without benefit of your fabulous electric lips! And let me tell you something else, buster! I can walk into that kitchen any time I want and replace those fabulous lips of yours with a soggy piece of liver! [All Cheering.]
[Knocking.]
- May I come in? - Sure.
Hi.
I was thinking about this morning in the operating room - and I want to apologize.
- For what? Well, l I believe I hurt your feelings.
- L-I didn't mean to.
- No, no, no, listen.
I should be apologizing to you.
I've been reading a journal on that operation.
You've got us beat in Sweden.
But perhaps I was a little abrupt, no? My father was a doctor, and he trained me to think of the patient first and, um, courtesy second.
- So did mine.
You did what I would've done.
- You don't mind, really? - Well, I may need a little plastic surgery on my male ego.
- [Laughs.]
I hear I was upset because I have trouble learning from a woman.
- Ja, that's what I hear too.
- Yeah, well, it's a small camp.
When you put your boots on, you have to ask the person who's in them to move over.
[Laughs.]
Listen, I'm sorry about last night.
I didn't mean to rush you.
Well, you know - I've been thinking about that too.
- Yeah? Ja, the the music and the candlelight.
[Chuckles.]
- That was really quite sweet.
- Yeah? Yeah.
I've been thinking about your hands.
You know, the way you notice ears, I notice hands.
They're good, sensitive surgeon's hands.
Yeah, well, they do make a good place to keep my gloves.
- [Both Chuckle.]
- You like to laugh too.
- [Chuckles.]
- I like that.
Mmm.
Hello.
- Sit.
- Sit.
Okay.
Thanks.
- Uh.
- Mmm.
- Can I ask you something? - Of course.
When you go dancing, who leads? - I've done it again, haven't I? - Ja.
- Maybe I should leave.
- No, no.
Look.
I'm sorry.
Really.
- I didn't know what I was saying.
Besides, I didn't mean it.
- Excuse me.
Good-bye.
Oy-yoy-yoy-yoy, yoy-yoy-yoy.
I did it again.
I did it again! There's nothing wrong with taking your cue from the female of the species.
Now, take the sea horse.
The male gives birth to the babies and the mommy brings home the underwater bacon.
I'll keep that in mind if I'm ever attracted to a sea horse.
Just remember, there's a right way and a wrong way to do everything.
And the wrong way is to keep trying to make everybody else do it the right way.
- Right.
- Are you as miserable as you look? Well, it seems I had another little run-in with my ego last night.
- I know.
- Everybody knows.
Small place.
Look, I've learned a lot of things from women.
I've learned a lot of real nice things from women.
There's a lady in Seoul who taught me to play "Begin the Beguine" - without the aid of a musical instrument.
- It's not the same.
Peg and I have always had a kind of equal partnership.
We just took it for granted.
We made our decisions together.
While I'm here, she makes 'em without me.
She just picked up a piece of property back home - that's gonna be worth a bundle in a couple years.
- Yeah? Well, if she didn't have a mind of her own we'd be quite a bit poorer right now in more ways than one.
I'll try to remember that.
Ah, sir, I just want to tell you.
I heard about your little run-in with that lady of the opposite sex and I just want you to know I support you 100%.
Can I have a show of hands of everybody here who knows about my personal problems? I mean it.
You're right.
Men are men, and women are women.
You start mixing them up, and you won't be able to tell who's who.
- You stick to your guns, Captain.
- Thanks for the advice.
- It means a lot coming from a man wearing organdy.
- Mmm.
- I also heard.
- Why not? Actually, my only advice would be that you try to avoid the occasion of sin.
But from what I hear, you seem to be avoiding it just fine.
- Thank you.
- Don't mention it.
Obviously, in these less than modern conditions we must pay particular attention to the incidence of infection.
This man, for example, I put on penicillin which I see was administered on time.
Very good work, my dear.
Every once in a while, it's smart to pat them on the back.
- [Gasping.]
- Doctor, he's choking! - Something must be lodged in the trachea.
- [Gasping Continues.]
Shh, shh, shh.
- Get me an emergency tray.
I'll do a tracheotomy.
- You don't have to cut him open.
- Get me some l I.
V.
Adrenaline, please.
- What are you doing? Well, look at him giant hives, swollen tongue.
He's having a reaction to the penicillin.
- [Gasping Continues.]
- Now, just a moment, my dear.
If he goes into an anaphylactic shock, he will have four minutes before his brain is damaged.
- Somebody get me that damn adrenaline! - Now, just a moment! I am aware how much time we have before brain damage occurs.
- It is my considered opinion - Adrenaline, Doctor.
- I asked you for an emergency tray.
- [Gasping Continues.]
Have you ever seen a reaction to penicillin, Doctor? - I have seen mild ones, yes.
- Well, this is a severe one.
- In your opinion! - He's breathing better.
Ja, of course, it's only my opinion.
- [Gasping Subsides.]
- He's coming around.
He'll be all right.
Well, Doctor, I must say that your opinion was a pretty good opinion.
You were right, and I was wrong.
I shall always be grateful for the assistance that you've given me here today.
That woman! That inconsiderate, unconscionable conceited, arrogant, pushy woman.
Charles, what are you screaming about? She saved a guy's neck.
Yes.
And right under my nose too! You know something? This is very instructive.
Rant on, Charles.
And that underhanded little nurse! Naturally, they they stick together anything to undermine the authority of a man.
- Ah, that old familiar tune.
- Let me tell you something, Charles.
You think women are only good for one thing.
Oh, don't be absurd, Pierce.
I respect and I admire the sex.
Sure! As long as they're your handmaidens.
As long as they tell you what a great guy you are and carry out your every whim.
You know something, Charles? Sitting here listening to you spout your bilge I get a picture clear and sharp of the world's most perfect ass.
Are you referring to me? - I'm referring to me.
- Well, that's better.
Oh, don't feel bad, Charles.
You're just as perfect.
You were terrific in there.
Boy, the way you told off Charles.
- I did what? - Keep up the good work.
Inga.
It's Hawkeye.
Can I talk to you for a minute? [Orchestral: Traditional Swedish.]
- Are you all right? - Oh, ja.
Except, I made the mistake of helping Dr.
Winchester's patient.
- I heard.
- [Continues.]
What was I supposed to do? Let him cut open the boy's neck when it wasn't necessary? You were supposed to do what you did.
Don't ever play dumb, please.
Why do men do that? Why do they make it so hard for us to be just who we are? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about Charles, and I'm sorry about me.
And I've been thinking a lot about last night too.
I can't believe I pulled back from you like that.
Ja.
Well, I couldn't believe it either.
If it would help to put your head on somebody's shoulder, I promise you I won't pull away.
I'll try not to scare you.
- Here I come.
- [Chuckles.]
- [Continues.]
- What's that song? I've never heard it before.
[Chuckles.]
It's Swedish.
Whenever I'm low, I play it.
It reminds me of home.
- It's sad and funny at the same time.
- Ja.
There's a traditional dance that goes with it.
It's very sweet.
- Will you teach me? - Oh.
Are you sure? - Yeah, please.
- [Chuckles.]
All right.
Now, put your hand there.
That's right, on my back.
And I'm here.
Then And here and here.
That's right.
Good.
Now, it's one-two-three, hold, one-two-three, hold.
- Turn.
All right? Are you ready? - Yeah.
All right.
One-two-three, hold, one-two-three, hold.
- Turn! Ow! Ow! - Oh, oh, I'm I'm sorry.
My feet are all thumbs.
Oh.
The only way this is going to work at all is if you let me lead.
- I told you it would come to this.
- Ja.
All right.
Okay, come on, come on.
All right.
Now, you put your hand here.
I put my hand here.
That's right.
Now, you're inside, and I'm outside.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, That's good.
That's good.
Now it's one-two-three, hold, one-two-three, turn.
- Oh, you're not letting me lead! - I'm trying.
I'm trying.
- Ow! Ow! I stepped on myself! - Let's try it again.
- Okay, okay.
- Come on.
Good.
And, one-two-three, hold.
One-two-three, turn.
- Two, three, four! - Ah.
Ah? - Ja.
! - [Both Laughing.]
- Hey, that was kind of fun.
- Ja.
- This is kind of fun too.
- I think when all is said and done we're gonna have a lot more fun than we ever thought we would.
Hmm.
[Man On p.
A.
.]
Sorry, folks.
Wounded.
We need a full contingent for triage.
Tout suite! - Ah, damn.
- Oh.
Look, we'll only be in surgery for 10 or 12 hours.
Let's come right back here and pick up where we left off, okay? Oh, I'm sorry.
I can't.
I have to go in another five or six hours.
I've been assigned to the Norwegian hospital ship for tomorrow afternoon.
- You're leaving? - Ja, well - I was only supposed to stay here for a short time.
- And I wasted all of it.
Let's start dancing again, so I can kick myself.
Will I see you again? Will you ever come to Sweden? If I ever get outta here, I will.
Well, for now at least, we can work together for a few hours.
- Side by side? - Ja.
Partners.
[Chuckles.]
[Phonograph Needle Scratching.]
Didn't you know the movie just went on in the Mess Tent? - Yeah, Casablanca.
- With Humphrey Bogart.
And Ingrid Bergman.
I don't think I'm strong enough to hear a Swedish accent for a while.
It was kinda rough for you, wasn't it? "Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world - she had to walk into mine.
" - Come on.
See the movie.
- Nah, I'm all right.
- I'll buy you popcorn.
You're gonna pull me through this in spite of myself, aren't ya? Why not? "You know, Louis, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.
" [Margaret Laughs.]