All In The Family s07e18 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days Fellas! I got it! I got it, I got it I got it! Well, don't bring it into my office.
You want to get rid of it, take it to the clinic.
I am talking about a fabulous weekend at my uncle's ski lodge at Lake Placid, stocked with food, booze, ski equipment, and all expenses paid.
Any takers? [ALL SPEAKING AT ONCE.]
I hear they got ten inches of new snow up there.
CHARLIE: They got it.
Okay, okay.
Here's the plan.
We leave tomorrow morning, CHARLIE: Why can't we leave tonight? Oh, wait a minute.
Tomorrow? It's got to be this weekend? I can't make it this weekend.
What's wrong with this weekend? I promised Gloria to take her to Sheila Tishman's engagement party Saturday night.
Who's Sheila Tishman? She's a friend of Gloria's.
She gets married a lot.
Can't Gloria go without you? Oh, you guys.
You don't understand.
Leo, Frank, you're not married.
Charlie, you-- you have an arrangement with Monica.
Uh, with Betty.
What happened to Monica? Betty has a better arrangement.
Look, all I know is Gloria's counting on this and I just hate to disappoint her.
Aw, come on.
I bet all you gotta do is just ask her.
Ha! Listen to him.
"Just ask her.
" Said with all the depth and understanding of a bachelor.
I can't just ask Gloria to let me go.
ALL: Why not?! Because.
Because if she says "no," I'll get angry at her, we'll have a big fight.
If she says "yes," she really means "no," and then she'll get angry, and we'll have a big fight.
FRANK: To have an opportunity like this and not be able to go.
CHARLIE: That's why I never got married.
Hey, no traps for me, baby.
Yeah, me neither.
I like my freedom too much.
Nobody's going to stick me with a ball and chain.
LEO: All right, all right.
We can take somebody else.
What-- How about Louie Pesci? He's more fun than Stivic anyway.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait just a second.
Do not count me out as of yet.
Why? I thought you couldn't go.
How are you gonna swing it? Don't worry.
Don't worry.
I will swing it.
I need this vacation.
I need the fresh air.
I need the exercise.
Are you gonna tell that to Gloria? No.
Gloria's going to tell that to me.
Edith! Hey, Edith! What are you doing over here anyway at this time of the night? Edith.
Edith! Are you up there? Will you keep it down? I'm upstairs.
Aw, come on.
Look at the time.
The time.
The time.
Where's the dinner, huh? Shh.
Joey's asleep.
See, I'm cooking dinner here.
It's for Gloria.
While she goes out shopping, I'm babysitting for her.
I don't wanna eat dinner over here with them.
The baby sitting in a high chair flinging potatoes, and the Meathead eating the shots off his own shirt.
You ain't gonna eat over here.
Hiya, Ma.
Oh.
Shh.
You'll wake up Joey.
Oh.
Hiya, Popsydoodle.
What the hell is "Popsydoodle" anyway? Oh, Ma.
Wait till you see the new dress I got for Sheila Tishman's engagement party.
Ooh! I can hardly wait.
You gotta wait! Come on home there and make me some food, yeah? Daddy, sit down and watch the show.
Don't shove your father.
Sit! How's Joey? Oh, he's sleepin' like a little angel.
He's got his little face right down on the mattress, and his little behind is smilin' up at ya! Oh, Archie! Stop it! Little Joey has the cutest behind in the whole world! I thought you said I had the cutest little behind in the whole world.
Come on, will ya? The passing of time.
Every cute little behind has gotta move over for the next cute little behind.
Even Miss America's cute little behind.
She gets that from your Uncle Clyde, you know that? Well, what do you think? Oh, Gloria! It was expensive, but I wanna show those girls that marriage hasn't turned me into a frumpy housewife.
Oh, it's gonna show a lot more than that! It's gonna show your bra! Oh, I'm not gonna wear a bra with this dress.
Wait a minute there.
With all that vacancy and no bra, so what's gonna be coverin' up the? [SIGHS.]
Daddy, I'm not going to the party topless.
That's worse than topless! Gonna show all the way from your cleavage down to your navalage there.
Navalage? What does that mean? Not to mention your health.
You could get a terrible cold in the chest, both sides-- double pneumonia.
[SIGHS.]
EDITH: Ooh! ARCHIE: Whoever that is, I don't want to see nobody.
GLORIA: It's my house.
Michael! Honey.
Is he loaded? Did you get mugged again? Honey, you won't believe it.
Walking just two blocks from the subway, I got so pooped, I didn't have the strength to reach for my keys.
Aw, sweetheart.
Are you sick? No, I'm okay.
[SIGHS.]
Mike, you sound terrible.
I do? Yeah, I-I am terrible, Ma.
I think I'll just lie down here on the couch for a while.
[YAWNS.]
Sounds like feedin' time at the zoo.
Oh, maybe it's your stomach.
Yeah, I bet he had one of them recycled hotdogs off an umbrella guy.
No, no, no, no.
That's not it.
Well, listen.
People that go around eating anything anytime are bound to poison themselves sooner or later.
Well, maybe you're just run-down.
Yeah, that's it, Ma.
I'm run-down.
Run-down.
You wanna see him run up? Give him a shot of castor oil and then get out of his way.
Come on, Edith.
Come on.
Let's go home.
Well, I hope you feel better, Mike.
Gloria, thanks for letting me cook in here.
Come on, will you? Oh! Archie, stop that! Michael? Michael, honey.
Oh.
Did I doze off again? Gee, I must be exhausted.
Whew! Did something happen to you today? You promise you won't laugh? I'm not gonna laugh.
Tell me.
You know Seymour Larson? Fat Seymour Larson, yeah.
You're gonna laugh.
I'm not gonna laugh.
He beat me in a race.
[LAUGHS.]
Fat Seymour Larson beat you? Yeah.
Thanks for not laughing.
[LAUGHING.]
I can't believe it.
Fat Seymour Larson beat you? Fat Seymour, yeah.
Boing! Boing! I'm sorry, honey.
Boy, are you out of condition.
Yeah? Ah.
You know what your problem is, don't you? What? You don't get enough exercise.
You know, I never thought of that.
But when do I get a chance to exercise? I mean, when I'm in school, I'm sitting behind that desk all day.
Then when I come home, I just sit down here and grade papers.
Well, what do the other guys do for exercise? Ski.
Uh, they do other things, too, besides skiing, but mostly, they do skiing.
As a matter of fact, Leo, Frank, and Charlie were planning a big ski weekend up in Lake Placid just for the exercise.
That sounds great.
Why don't you go on a weekend like that? Well, nah.
That'd be selfish of me.
You don't ski.
Well, so what? That doesn't mean that you can't go, honey.
I'd feel funny.
Oh, honey.
That's ridiculous.
It would be good for you to go skiing with your friends.
Do you really think so? I insist that you go.
Well, if you insist.
You think I should call Leo now or put it off for a week? The sooner the better.
There's the phone.
Maybe you're right.
Honey, you know, you're the greatest.
Ha ha.
Yeah, I know.
I'm startin' to feel healthy already.
Oh, I'm glad.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Uh, hello, Leo.
No, no.
That kiss wasn't for you.
Oh, you want one? All right.
Mwah.
Listen, uh, Leo.
This doll of a wife of mine saw the condition that I was in and she insisted that I go skiing.
Isn't that right, honey? Yeah.
I insist.
You hear that? She insists.
And listen, Leo.
I don't think we should leave tomorrow morning.
No, I don't want to wake Gloria.
Let's do what Charlie said.
We'll leave tonight, huh? Tonight?! You hear that, Leo? She insists tonight.
Yeah.
So why don't you round up all the guys and then just honk the horn and I'll come right out, okay? Yeah.
Good-bye.
Thank you, honey.
Thank you, thank you-- Michael, Michael, is that ski weekend this weekend? Yeah.
Well, you didn't tell me that it was this weekend.
Is that important? Yes! This weekend is Sheila Tishman's engagement party.
Oh, how-- Honey, I'm sorry.
How could I forget that? That's just terrible of me.
Look at this.
Your best friend's engagement party, and here I am, thinking about going skiing.
Honey, will you ever forgive me? It's all right, Michael.
There's nothing to forgive.
Oh, thank you.
And tell Sheila for me I'm sorry I missed the party, okay? Missed it?! But Michael, you have known about this party for over a month now.
I even bought a dress for it today.
Then why'd you tell me to call Leo to go skiing? I didn't tell you to call Leo.
Well, I didn't want to go.
You talked me into it.
I did not! I don't know how you worked this thing out, but it isn't gonna work.
Gloria, what is more important, the boring engagement party or my health? You're gonna call Leo back right now and tell him you're not going skiing.
I can't do that! He's already rounding up the guys.
Well, fine then.
You can tell him when he gets here, 'cause if you don't, I will.
Oh, honey, you can't-- I am not going to stand there in front of my friends while my mommy tells them that I can't go out and play.
Why can't you go to Sheila's party without me? I wouldn't feel comfortable.
Michael, our marriage is the only one in our group that's lasted, and if I walk in to that party without you, people are gonna think we're having trouble.
We are having trouble! Huh? Gloria, look at us.
Look, we used to be two individual human beings.
Remember our marriage ceremony? The part about having two trees not growing in each other's shadows.
Well, look what's happened to us.
We've become one big tree with root rot.
Gloria, every single thing we do, we do together.
Don't you like doing things with me? Of course I like doing things with you, darling.
It's just that it's unhealthy for two people to be so dependent on each other.
Oh.
So now I'm a sicko because I want to go to a party with my husband.
You're not a sicko.
It's just that you're afraid to go any place without your husband.
I'm not afraid to go.
Then go! Go! Assert yourself! Get out in the world, Gloria.
Open a new window.
Life's a ball.
If only you'd know it.
And it's all just waiting for you.
You're alive, so come on and show it.
You've got a lot of living to do.
You do need a vacation.
You win, Michael.
You win.
You go skiing, and I won't go to the party.
I'll just stay home here all by myself.
Oh, come on, honey.
If you're gonna be that way, I won't go skiing.
No.
Go, go! I want you to go.
Okay, you talked me into it again.
EDITH: Gloria! Yeah.
I stopped by Cybil's, and she says you can use her fur jacket.
Thanks, Ma.
Oh, Gloria! Oh, my.
Ain't that beautiful? Oh, ain't that lov-- Oh, my.
I'm glad your father ain't here to see you in it.
Ah, I don't think I'm gonna go.
Maybe I'm making a big thing out of nothing, but I feel weird going out alone.
Oh, Gloria, you don't have to worry about that.
All your friends are gonna be there.
Yeah, two by two.
And Sheila is expectin' you.
But, Ma, I'm not in a party mood.
I think I'm gonna call and cancel the cab.
Why don't you stay home with me and we'll watch TV together? Oh, I can't, Gloria.
I'm expected at the Sunshine Home.
I gotta help Mrs.
Bradley play bingo.
She doesn't need your help to play bingo.
Oh, yeah, she does.
She broke her hearing aid, and she can't hear 'em calling out the numbers.
But look at you.
Your hair is all fixed.
You look gorgeous.
You got a lovely dress on.
You look like a movie star.
Yeah? Who? Doris Day.
Only without the freckles.
Oh, all right, Ma.
Well, I'll suffer through it somehow.
While Rock Hudson, the ski bum, is out there with the seven-year itch.
Rock Hudson has a rash? No, Ma.
Michael.
And I'm sure that there's some little snow bunny up there who'll be real glad to scratch it for him, if you catch my drift.
Oh, no, you-- [GASPS.]
Oh, oh.
Oh, no.
[STAMMERS.]
Oh, no.
You mean Mike? Oh, never.
Well, I'm just not happy with him going away like this.
Gloria, it's very good for two people who love each other very much to get away from each other once in a while.
Well, all right.
I understand, but what if they made plans to do something together? Like did Daddy ever break an important date with you? Yeah.
Once.
And didn't that make you mad? No.
We just got married the week later.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Okay.
Your babysitter's here.
I can't wait to take a look at that blond bombshell.
[GASPS.]
[SPEAKS SPANISH.]
English! What does it mean in English? Nice.
Ay, petito Gloria.
Can I borrow that sometime? Oh, Teresa, do you think you'd be able to fill it out in front? Well, if I'm in a bad mood, no.
But if I'm in a good mood yes.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh.
I never thought of that.
[SIGHS.]
Maybe I should let you borrow it tonight.
You'd probably have more fun in it than I will.
Oh, Teresa, she don't wanna go.
How can you not want to go to that party in this "hello, sailor" dress? You're going to make all the men crazy.
[CAR HORN HONKS.]
Oh, there's your cab.
Come on, Gloria.
You always say that Sheila Tishman gives the best parties every time she gets engaged.
Yeah, but Michael won't be there.
That's why you're gonna have a good time.
When the mouse is away, the pussycat should play.
[HORN HONKS.]
I can just hear what everybody's gonna say to me.
"Gloria, where's your husband?" And I don't know what I'm gonna tell 'em.
With that dress, nobody's gonna be looking for your husband.
Bye! Hurry, chica.
And keep your coat buttoned up in front.
Look, Ma, this coat-- Oh, good-bye! Bye! Come on, lady! I don't got all night! I got other fares! [HORN HONKS.]
[MURMURS.]
Gloria.
Aah! Aah! [SHOUTING.]
What the hell are you doing, you crazy idiot? Teresa! It's me, it's Mike! I wasn't trying to rape you.
I thought you were Gloria.
Mike, what's the matter with you? What are you doing here? You're supposed to be sliding down a mountain.
Well, what are you doing sleeping on the couch? I'm babysitting! Where's Gloria? At a party! She's still at the party? Yes.
Still? Yes! Sheesh! It's 2:00 in the morning.
Sheila's party's lasting longer than most of her marriages.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, thanks again.
It was really sweet of you to go out of your way and drive me home like that, Pete.
Pete? My pleasure.
Listen, when can I see you again? I don't know, Pete.
Maybe at Sheila's next engagement party.
Pete.
PETE: Well, look, if you can't come GLORIA: Yeah? Send the dress.
GLORIA: Oh, you sly dog.
Don't worry.
I don't think she likes him.
She called him a dog.
Good night.
Thank you.
Thank you, Pete.
Why is it all the great chicks are married? Uh, good night, Pete.
Now, you drive home safe.
Night-night.
Good night.
Don't let the bedbugs bite! Aah! Oh, oh! Michael! Oh! You scared me to death! Oh! [GRUNTS.]
Ow! What are you doing here?! Who's Pete? I didn't expect you home till tomorrow night.
Who is Pete?! Oh! What's the matter? Didn't you have a good time? No.
I had a miserable time, and that's why I came home early, and who is Pete? Oh, he's a friend of Sheila's.
You know him, Pete Gavaris.
Pete Gavaris?! You mean that Greek guy with all the hair on his chest? Yes.
You mean he drove you home while you were wearing that dress and he was wearing all that hair on his chest?! Well, would you rather that he wore the dress and I had the hair on my chest? That's not funny! What were you doing until 2:00 in the morning? If I may be so bold as to inquire.
You don't have to think about it! Give me an answer! I was just doing what you told me to do, having fun, asserting myself.
Asserting yourself until 2:00 in the morning?! Michael, shh.
You'll wake up Joey.
He's my kid! I can wake him if I want! Get up! I don't believe it.
I just made myself dizzy.
Look at me.
My fingers are frostbit.
My feet are numb.
I cut my weekend short.
I ride home six hours on a smelly bus.
The guy in front of me snored.
The guy behind me was breathing onions all over me.
And all the way home, the lady next to me was going like this.
[SNORTING.]
And for what?! I come home, and my wife is with some Greek guy with a lot of hair, doing God knows what! You're the one who told me to go to the party! Well, now I can see how much you trust me.
Trust you?! Trust you? You want me to trust you? Driving home with a man that's got a bumper sticker on his car that says, "Honk if you want it"?! That's what you want me to trust?! What time did you leave the party?! I resent this interrogation.
You don't see me giving you the third degree about your weekend.
I told you.
I had a miserable time.
Well, I'm sorry you had a miserable time.
Get out of my way.
But that doesn't mean that I had to have a miserable time, too.
Huh?! Oh, then you weren't miserable! That means you had a good time! Yes! What's wrong with that? I don't know! Give me a minute.
I'll think of something.
Michael, all I did was exactly what you told me to do.
You remember that, don't you? Gloria, you've got to open a new window! Life's a ball! You've got a lot of livin' to do! Well, I went out and I lived it up! I had a great time! Why didn't you have a great time? I don't know.
Maybe I was feeling guilty for having tricked you into this.
All I know was that everybody up at the ski lodge was laughing and drinking and having a good time.
I just--I just couldn't get with it.
I felt uncomfortable without you there.
Well, I'm sorry.
You should have followed your own advice.
I did.
I missed you.
I missed you, too.
I had a good time at the party but I wish you could have been there.
Yeah.
Oh, honey.
Honey.
You had fun with Pete, huh? Oh, you know Pete.
He's always the life of the party.
Yeah.
Did he try anything? Well, to be perfectly honest-- He did? Well, I stopped him.
How? Well, every time he started anything, I just went-- [SNORTING.]
[LAUGHS.]
I got you! I got you! All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.