Black-ish (2014) s07e18 Episode Script

Babies.
They can't do [bleep.]
.
From the moment they're born, all they do is take.
And as they get bigger, they only take more.
Time.
Money.
Effort.
And if you do an even halfway decent job? They just up and leave you.
Yep, parent it's the worst job you'll never apply for.
W-Why are we sending Devante's birthday invitations? - He's got hands.
- Mm.
Zora.
Nile.
I don't even know who these kids are.
- That's it, babe, you know what? - Hmm? We are not politely declining gifts.
- I want real ones.
And no books.
- Okay.
The school is saying I have to fly coach on the class trip to France.
- Fix it.
- And we're out of milk? What do you people do all day? Oh, I don't know.
We just sit around all day being ungrateful.
- Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
- I work.
That's you.
You're the ungrateful ones! If you're here to raid the milk, too late.
Guys, I'm 21.
I can buy my own milk.
Also, I'm 21.
I don't drink milk.
Ew.
Then why are you here? Haven't we given you enough? I actually wanted to deliver this.
- What is that? - Mm.
Dinner at yours and Olivia's place? - Mm-hmm.
- Huh.
Okay.
And what time do you want us to have the dinner delivered? No, we're hosting you.
Moving out of the house and in with Olivia, I realized you guys have given me so much.
I wouldn't be where I am without you two.
Mm.
Mm.
- Okay, it's a trap.
- Mm.
- Yeah, he's selling something.
- That's a trap.
Absolutely.
He's gonna hold us hostage until we buy his nasal vitamins.
Guys, I swear, there is no catch.
Think of this dinner as my way of saying "Thank you.
" - Hmm.
- Thank you? To us? Mm-hmm.
Is Is this real? Babe, it it feels real.
Oh, I thought this only happened in the movies when one of the parents was sick.
- Is he? - Walk him out.
Quickly.
Are you about to ugly cry? - Walk him out.
Quickly.
- Get out.
- Uh, yeah.
- Get out of here.
- Go, go, go, go.
- Ah! - You gonna ugly cry? - Shh! Okay, let it out, baby.
Oh, come on.
- To our son - Mm.
- Junior.
- Whoo! The first Johnson child to pay us back in any way.
Yes.
I've always had a good feeling - about that Junior.
- What? That's why I've been there for him every step of the way.
I put the time in, you know? You literally tried to take the "Junior" from his name when he said he didn't like "New Jack City.
" - Iron sharpens iron, Bow.
- Uh-huh.
- And let's not bury the lede on this, okay? - What's that? We raised a young Black boy - to maturity in America.
- Ooh, baby.
We deserve this victory lap our son is giving us.
- Mm, mm, mm.
- His success is a reflection of the amazing job - we've done as parents.
- Ooh.
- You better preach.
- Mm-hmm.
Think of all that we have done for these children.
- Talk to me.
- Carpooling.
- Every day.
- Shoe buying.
- Five sets.
- Listening.
I hate the listening.
- Their stories go nowhere.
- Circle.
That's why I'm so excited that one of them is finally hosting us for once.
- Mm-hmm.
- Finally Mm.
I get why people have kids.
To payback.
- Mm.
- Mm.
Hey, Pops.
Can I ask you something? I don't know.
Can you? Feels light.
It's all there.
We'll just see about that.
All right, regale me with your dilemma.
Okay, so there's this new boy at school, Bradley Hold on.
This feels like a parent problem.
I'm your go-to for grandparent problems, like when you want to know about the ABA or what it was like in the '80s or you need $2.
I need someone who knows how to solve problems without being one.
You came to the right person.
I was a freelance fixer back in the day for Maxine Waters.
Well, I'm trying to get this boy's attention to stand out, but without coming off as desperate.
So, like, "I may like you, but I don't need you.
" Mm-hmm.
- High degree of difficulty.
- Mm-hmm.
You want this Bradley to see you, - but did he? - Right.
You have to be loud in a quiet way, project a focused attitude of complete indifference.
So barge in with a calming storm? Easy.
Playing too much cricket scares away the bees.
You want to walk the fine line between a King in a Bar Fight and the Lady on the Bus.
Mm.
Makes perfect sense.
And when you want to end the conversation, you hit him with this.
Mm.
You should raise your rates.
- Okay.
- Thanks, Pops! - You got it, baby.
- Mm! Pops, you've gotta help me.
- I dropped my chain down the sink.
- Oh, that's easy.
Tie a magnet to a string and then pull it out.
Will that work? I-It's real gold.
I gave you that chain, Jack.
It'll work.
Ah.
Okay.
And they act like this parenting stuff is hard.
When the night of Junior's dinner came, - we were ready to be wined and dined.
- Hi! After all, we had earned it.
Oh, my Oh! Oh, Junior.
- Oh! Hi! - Hi! - This is so nice! - Ah.
- Thank you.
Ooh.
- Here you go.
Sorry.
Sometimes it it sticks.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Yeah.
Uh, I am a real, grown-up adult now, yep.
The only cartoons I watch are Japanese.
- Or Pixar.
- Okay.
- I catch a "Caillou" every now and again.
- I see.
Okay, welcome, Dr.
and Mr.
Johnson.
- Champagne? - Yes.
Oh, my goodness.
- Champagne in a real glass? - Oh, my gosh.
- Who Who are we, the Obamas? - Hello, Barack.
Hello, Michelle.
Sipping Champagne in your son's fancy apartment what better way to see that you've done your job? Wait a sec.
Is that a crack? All of a sudden, everywhere I looked, there were breaks, sparks, neglect, and fire hazards.
This place was a mess.
What's up with this window? - Oh, uh, a bat flew into it.
- Oh.
But I e-mailed the new landlord.
- He just hasn't responded yet.
- Oh, yeah.
- So call him.
- Okay.
- And get a rabies shot.
- Okay.
- Babe, it was a bat.
- You know what? I left a bottle of wine in the car.
I'm gonna go grab it real quick.
- Okay.
Sounds good.
- Okay.
I started to see less of an apartment and more of a blank check we'd have to write to fix everything.
And it wasn't just the money we would be investing.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
They also needed our time.
- Hey.
- Hmm? What's going on with you? - Can't you see? - What? We tried giving him the juice, but he can't handle the juice, Bow.
He needs our juice.
He's not succeeding on his own.
Junior, stop, stop, stop.
You know what? Uh we're just gonna try again when the humidity drops.
That's all right.
At least we're not trapped inside.
Come on.
Dre.
I don't know what you're worried about.
All we need to do is sage that squatter energy out of there, and it's gonna be fine.
Are you kidding me? It looks like they furnished that place - from Restitution Hardware.
- Oh, my It's gonna cost us a lot of money to fix that.
I thought Junior had crossed the finish line, but now I see he is cramping in the home stretch.
Now I gotta come out of the stands and carry him to the medical tent.
That you think I can follow what you're saying is astounding.
You can honestly see all of this and think that he's okay on his own? You are closing your eyes to an obvious scam.
But that doesn't surprise me, Bow.
You grew up in a cult.
- Dre.
- Hmm? You have to remember where he is.
Okay, he could be in a frat house right now learning to step from a Kappa named Big Chavis.
That's because the Omegas wouldn't want him.
He doesn't have enough rhythm to hop.
Oh, my God.
Dre, they're just trying to do something nice for us.
Huh? Can't you just put on a smile and show them that we appreciate it? I know you can get onboard for dinner.
- Fine.
- Mm? There you go.
But when I say I have a headache, that's the signal.
Really? That's so funny.
'Cause whenever I use that signal on you, it doesn't work.
- Hey! - Hey.
Hey.
We were just talking about how wonderful of a time we're having.
- Especially your dad.
- Yep.
- That's what he was saying.
- I was.
- Isn't that what you were saying? - Just wait.
We haven't even started the games yet.
Ooh! I'm so excited.
Ooh.
Oh, hey.
I had to try.
Did you? What are you supposed to do? There you go.
While Bow and I were out, Pops, who thought parenting was a snap, was in charge at home.
Pops, it worked! That guy from school is totally into me.
Do you wanna go meet him before we go hang out? - Not particularly.
- Oh.
Come on.
So, this is the man I was telling you about my Pops.
So, uh, you must be Bradley.
Oh, it's, uh it's "Brad-ley," my man, but don't worry about it.
And I'd shake your hand, but I just got inked.
- Huh.
- Nah, I'm just kidding, old man.
Hey, that's how we do it in The Bay.
Okay.
I'm from The Bay.
Did you leave there by choice? Feels like you skipped a few chapters there, Brad-ley.
- Pops, you're hilarious.
- Ah.
I'll be home by curfew.
Come on.
Dre's gonna have to look out for that one.
At Bow's direction, I plastered on a smile, tried to relax and have a good time.
- Okay.
So, in history - Mm-hmm.
while later proven false, what was the rumored cause of the Great Chicago Fire? - Mm.
- Mm.
Probably too many extension cords in the kitchen.
I'm I'm sorry, Dad.
Did you have something that you wanted to say? We don't have to get into that, son.
- Mnh-mnh.
- Okay.
No, I-I think we should.
As a future psychotherapist, I've read that discussing issues in the open is best for sustaining familial relationships.
Oh, my God! Is that what I sound like every time I say I'm a doctor? - Yeah.
- Oh, my God! It sounds so good! - Well, thank you.
- That sounds good.
Okay, look, I just can't look the other way while I'm here, all right? All I see are Band-Aids when we raised you to follow through.
Those aren't extension cords in the kitchen.
That's a fire hazard.
And that stuck door? When the fire does come and before you're overtaken by smoke, the last thought you will have was, "Dad was right.
" Or "Mr.
Johnson was right," in your case.
Okay, I know we have some maintenance issues, but we have a new landlord who has really been - dragging his feet on repairs.
- Yes.
So I've collected signatures from the other tenants, - demanding action - Ooh.
and now we have a meeting about it next week.
- Okay.
- Yes.
Look, Dad, while we appreciate your overreaction, - we've got this.
- We built a shelf the other day.
We're like the Black Chip and Joanna Gaines.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Oh.
I see the effort, and I appreciate the hustle, you guys.
That's why I haven't said anything, okay? You know why? 'Cause I'm a rational person.
And a good parent.
Okay, well, in light of new information, it seems as if you have things under control.
- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you, Dad.
All right, and keeping our communication open, I would just like to say that if we don't get dinner soon, I will become unpleasant.
Yes.
More unpleasant.
Well, let's get this man some food, right? - Yeah.
- Ooh.
- Jack.
- Yeah? - Come here.
- O-Okay.
Smile.
If anyone asks, we were here all night together watching "Jackie Brown" and eating soup.
I know the alibi routine.
W-W-What are you into? Or is it better that I don't know? Oh, I just want to make sure everything's okay with Diane and this date.
- You seem really worried.
- No, I'm not worried.
You know who worries? Dads.
- Mm.
- Not granddads like me.
I'm gonna go get a beer.
I'll offer you a sip.
But y-you're pacing.
Usually, you're sitting.
Well, you know what? You're kinda acting like a dad.
No.
I'm acting like a concerned grandfather who wants to make sure that his granddaughter is safe and making good choices.
Way different from a dad.
Okay.
That's why I'm going to introduce Brad-ley - to a friend of mine.
- Hmm.
- He's from Louisville.
- Really? What's your friend's name? Oh.
The The bat.
Oh.
Very good, Jack.
Very good.
- Ah.
- Cheers, cheers, cheers.
- All right, let's tuck - Oh, hey! Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Before we eat So close.
- Mom, Dad - Yes.
I just wanted to say thank you for everything that you have done to help get me here.
- Aw! - Ah.
When I was a boy, I needed training wheels, but you taught me how to pedal with my own two feet.
- Aw! Goodness.
- And now here we are.
- What is that? - What is that? Ooh.
Oh.
- The mice are awake.
- Yeah.
What?! Did you just say mice? Yeah, we saw a mouse a couple weeks ago.
That's actually why we got a cat.
That's why you got a cat?! Excuse me?! You invited us up in here in an infestation?! N-No.
No, no! No-bo-dy eats.
Okay? No.
No.
We can't tell if these are actually raisins in this rice.
Okay, so now you come onto my side? After the food is served? Everything is fine.
We've been keeping all of our food in bins, and we have stopped buying cheese.
Nothing about that is fine, Junior.
Anyone who thinks that bins and cats are an acceptable solution should not be living on their own.
You're moving home.
- Oh, no.
- This is his home.
This is our home.
Don't you worry, little lady.
You are coming, too, all right? You can study under my roof and my tutelage.
See, babe, now you are making sense.
We'll pay whatever's left on their lease and get them moved in by the weekend.
Just until you guys get on your feet.
Okay.
Respectfully, we're on our feet.
- Oh.
- And we're staying.
Now, this place may have a few problems, but we're proud of the home that we What the hell was that sound?! No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, you guys might want to leave.
A fresh kill normally brings out the rats.
- The what?! - Okay.
Do you want me to make you a to-go plate? All right, okay.
You know the answer to that, Junior.
Wrap it up.
After a much-needed drive-thru stop, Bow and I devised a plan to fix all of Junior's problems.
- Then - Mm.
we bribe an exterminator to fumigate.
They won't have enough money for a hotel, and they'll move back in.
And then we teach a "living on your own" masterclass.
Lesson one throw out those soy sauce packets.
What's got you two in here sounding like "Red Table Talk"? Well, Pops, Junior has made it obvious that he is not ready to live on his own, and him and Olivia think that we are supposed to be okay with it.
- Well, he's right.
You are.
- What? I think you two are forgetting about what your first place was like.
- But - What? I mean, I've stayed in some bad spots in my time, but even I wouldn't have slept there.
Man, please! Our first apartment was way better than Junior's.
Good location, great lighting, immaculately decorated.
- It was terrible.
- What? Y'all got all your furniture from off the curb.
Well, we were into sustainability - before it was cool.
- Oh, that's what it's called? Okay, fine.
- We were a mess.
- Mm.
They did find a new species of bedbug in our apartment.
- Yeah.
- But it's normal for us, Pops, to want something better for Junior than we had.
It's frustrating to find out how much more work we have left to do with him.
Pops, we were in victory formation, running out the clock.
I thought the game was over.
We were done.
- What's so funny? - What? You thought you were done? - Yes.
- Yeah.
You'll never be done.
Look at me.
I'm still parenting you right now, and I'm not even good at it.
Mm.
As I have learned, sometimes all you can do is hope that they'll be okay, even when it's not okay with you.
- Ah.
- Ah - He has a point.
- Hmm? We have continued to move - the goal line for Junior - Yeah.
with school, with his job, with this apartment.
It's like we're always on him for a plan.
Yeah.
It's like we always sweat what's next instead of seeing what is.
And, you know, he is doing pretty good.
He is.
- We may owe him an apology.
- Yeah.
You more than me.
I mean, I handled myself pretty well.
- What? - I did.
You left your purse there and said, "It's trash now.
" Okay.
- Maybe I should get him flowers.
- Yeah.
You should.
Pops, were you waiting up for me? No, no, no.
Uh you did stay out kind of late, though, Diane.
It's 9:30.
Well, that's gotta be past your bedtime.
Well, clearly, it's past yours.
Mm-hmm.
You called your friend from Louisville? Wait.
Were you worried about me and Brad-ley? No.
No.
I was working with Jack on his swing.
I think the boy got a chance at playing with the Dodgers.
Pops, Bradley is harmless.
He says he's from The Bay, but he's really from Sacramento.
He's the new kid trying to pull a "Fresh Prince," and I told him he better drop it if he's gonna be my boyfriend.
That's all you needed my advice for? So you could hit him with an Evander Holyfield? Pops, I didn't only need your advice for some boy.
I don't just come to you for cash or stories about how you used to be able to smoke around babies.
You're the only person in this house that doesn't treat me like a kid.
You give it to me straight.
Well, that's the only way I know how to do it.
You've been showing me how to be myself for my whole life.
Just being here, watching you.
You've helped me put the pieces together.
Well, if you ever need more help putting the pieces together, or breaking them apart, you know I'm here for you.
And you know what? - This one's on the house.
- Oh, no, Pops.
You should get something for your trouble.
Oh, no.
Trust me.
I already did.
- I kept 20.
- Oh.
It felt light.
Goodnight, Dee! Goodnight.
The next day, Bow and I put together a gift basket for Junior and Olivia to pair with our apology.
Is rat poison too much? - Okay.
- As a gag? Maybe we don't play into how awful we were when we fled their apartment.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
Let's cover it up.
- It was pretty bad.
- It was terrible.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Oh, hey.
Hey, Junior, we were on our way Actually, I have something to say.
- Oh.
- Oh.
I'm sorry about last night.
I was so excited to show you guys my new life that I didn't stop to think about how you might be disappointed by it.
- No, son.
- Oh, no.
If anyone should apologize, it should be us.
- It's us.
- Well, you guys aren't wrong.
We are struggling.
The cat is still stuck in the walls.
Yes.
Okay, yes.
That is That is a problem, but come on.
We just waltzed in there and started keeping score.
Yeah, but we should be excited for what's in front of you, son.
- Absolutely.
- Hey.
- You got a good one in Olivia.
- Yes.
She really is.
I'm glad you guys think so too.
Yeah, and the thing is, man, it shouldn't matter what we think.
You don't need our approval to be happy.
- Pssh.
- You're doing things your way, and that's how it should be because it's your life.
Yes.
Guys, this this means everything to me - that you guys have faith in me.
- Mm.
That's what the "Thank you" was for - Mm.
- to say thank you for raising me to be the man that I know I am.
Oh.
So, thank you.
- Oh! - Bring it over here, son.
Come on, bring it, son.
- Oh.
- Oh, God! - Aw! - Mm! Bill.
Hold up.
Who are you? Mr.
Johnson.
I'm delighted to make your acquaintance.
I'm Diane's boyfriend, Bradley.
Oh.
Are you, now? Aah! "Delighted to make your acquaintance.
" Now tell your story walking.