M*A*S*H (MASH) s07e18 Episode Script

[Potter Singing Western Song.]
[Singing Continues.]
Howdy-do, stranger? I do fine, sir.
Do you know you're late? You worry too much, Radar.
That's probably why you're so good at your job.
Probably, sir.
But you did say you'd be back at noon.
That was four hours ago, and now it's 4:00.
Yeah.
I totally forgot.
Isn't it wonderful? Radar, there's a special feeling you get when you're alone with your horse.
Just the two of ya, cut off from the world with nobody to bother ya.
I know, sir.
I get the same feeling with my skunk.
Radar, give us a hand, will ya? There we go.
Uh, before you say anything, Mrs.
Potter made these for me.
- Now what do you think of'em? - Thanks for the warning, sir.
Would you like her to send you a pair? Uh, can she make the same thing in white? It's a rare treat to share your underwear with a friend.
You're welcome, sir.
Sir, it's Cho Pak and his daughter for the laundry.
- Wunderbar.
Come on in, folks.
- Come on in.
- Good day, Colonel.
- Indeed it is.
And how's Mr.
Pak today, Mr.
Pak? Right.
I'll get to the point.
This is a special order.
I'd like your father to clean my riding britches.
No starch.
The saddle is bad enough.
[Speaking Korean.]
- What did he say? - I don't know.
Let me find out, sir.
Excuse me.
What did he say? It's not important, Colonel.
We make sure no starch.
Colonel, he meant nothing.
When was the last time your father was examined by a doctor? Long time ago.
When he was in army, maybe.
I'd sure like to give him a thorough physical.
[Speaking Korean.]
- [Korean.]
- He says no, sir.
Forgive the way my father act.
Please understand that he was once a proud officer in cavalry.
Is that so? He feels that to come here as a laundryman is a great disgrace.
No apologies necessary.
But do have him come in and see me for an examination soon.
Colonel very kind.
Don't worry.
No starch in riding pants.
[Laughs.]
He's cavalry.
He knows.
Let me get the door.
He's a "sir," sir.
[Chuckles.]
Gee, I never knew Mr.
Pak was an officer before.
He fought Russians long time ago.
He saved many villages.
He was very famous.
Wow.
I wish you'd tell him how proud I am to know him.
It's a real honor just knowing him.
Mr.
Pak, do you think maybe you could do an undershirt of mine? - [Korean.]
- He says no.
- All right.
How much? - Don't you ever knock? - [Knocks.]
- Come in.
- How much, Colonel? - What are you talking about, Klinger? Please.
Let's cut the chin music, sir.
Every man has his price.
How much? Oh, I see.
Now it's bribery.
That's an ugly word for it, sir.
Ugly but fitting.
Klinger, I'm getting a vision.
Ahhh, a corporal digging an endless latrine.
I'll be brief, sir.
Greed, sir.
It's greed, not faith, that moves mountains.
It was greed that moved my uncle into a cushy job on the Toledo City Council.
- Get out of here, Klinger.
- You think I'm talking peanuts, don't you? - How does $100 sound? - Like peanuts.
That's just starters, sir.
Let's talk a thousand, 5,000.
Let's talk door.
It'll require a little overtime, but $10,000.
- Ten thousand? - There it is.
The chink in your armor.
Your price.
- Get.
- Your words say no, but your eyes say yes.
- And my boot says - Going but not gone.
I'll be back sir.
Nothing like a nice hot shower with ice-cold water.
- A sensual pinnacle.
- A religious experience.
- Let's do it more often.
- How about next November? - It's a date.
- Good evening, captains.
You look much thinner with that crust off your bodies.
[Hawkeye.]
A compliment like that, the least I can do is scrub your back.
- Forget it again.
- I won't even peek.
I'll stand in front of you and reach behind.
- I'll go along to make sure he doesn't miss a spot.
- Go wash out your minds! Religious fanatic! [Margaret Singing Military Song.]
[Screams.]
- [Screaming Continues.]
- Hey, ho, ho, ho! - Whoa! Take it easy! - Easy, easy, kid! Easy! - Don't hurt us.
- Come here.
He looked at me! Hold him! He saw my body! - So he got lucky.
- Margaret, he's just a kid.
- He's still trying to figure out what he saw.
- Why was he in my shower? - Isn't it obvious? - Not to me.
- He's a spy! - Oh, right.
A peeping Commie.
- Margaret, will you take it easy? We'll get to the bottom of this.
- Or that.
- I'm wearing a towel! - Oh, I hadn't noticed.
- [Cheering, Whistling.]
- All right.
Okay, okay, everybody.
Break it up.
This is just between the major and her peeper.
- Let's all go home.
- If he took any pictures, we'll see everybody gets a copy.
Not for me, thanks.
Hey, take it easy! We're the good guys.
Show him the picture of your daughter again.
- You wanted to see me? - No, no, no, no, no.
- Yes.
Radar, we fished this guy out of Major Houlihan's shower.
- Wow! - You know him? - No, but he's sure got guts.
[Speaking Korean.]
- [Korean.]
- I just don't understand this younger generation.
- We don't speak the same language.
- Does he understand English? - I'll find out.
Do you understand English? - Yes.
- Yes.
- I'm so glad Radar showed up.
- What's your name? - Ham.
- Ham.
- What are you doing here? - I was just gonna ask him that! - Will you be quiet.
I come from village downriver.
- No, no, no.
It's all right.
- It's okay.
Oh, swell.
You've opened a clinic in my living room.
- We'll be right with you.
- You were saying, Ham? Last night our army come to my village force men into trucks to become soldiers.
Why, that's barbaric! At least in America, a draftee gets a letter of greetings.
These R.
O.
K.
Soldiers are pretty rough.
They take who they want.
I see them take my friends.
I run away.
- Why didn't I think of that? - It was wrong to run, but I was afraid.
Ham, what you did was perfectly understandable.
No, not right.
I should be a soldier.
I should be with my friends, but I'm afraid.
I don't know.
They're gonna be looking for him, sirs.
That's for sure.
What the hell is this? Rounding up young kids in the middle of the night? That's what we're supposed to be fighting against.
- Why don't we? - Hold it, hold it! You're not gonna do something noble and inconvenient like hiding him here, are you? - Hey! - Hey, Charles! Thank you! Wonderful idea! Cigars? Cigarettes? Candy? Gum? - Pack of gum.
- New or used? - Used gum? - Hey, it's got a wrapper on it.
However, I personally recommend the new.
- That'll be a dollar.
- Forget it.
If you're so hard up for dough, why not try a dime a dance? Or even better A dime and you won't dance.
[Laughs.]
You better look out, or they'll be puttin' dimes on your eyes.
You're giving the club a bad name, Hairy Mary.
I'm warning you, Zale.
Shut up, or as soon as I'm on my break, I'll clobber you.
Ooh, I'm all a-tremble.
Hey, welcome to the club, gents.
Can I check your hats and coats? - We don't seem to be wearing any.
- I'll rent you some.
Cheap.
- Just the manic we were looking for.
- Something for that dandruff? - We want to talk to you.
- Are you interested in my one-cent sale? - I'm selling pennies a quarter each.
- We want to talk to you.
- All right.
Talk fast.
I'm on overtime.
- This is Ham.
We're hiding him from the Korean Conscription Unit.
We need your special talents.
- Now that's a worthy cause.
- He needs a disguise.
Ah.
Stand up, kid.
Size nine, junior miss.
I got just the number.
A peasant skirt and blouse.
He'll look like a million bucks.
- But it's yours for 75.
- Seventy-five dollars? - That's with matching shoes and babushka.
- Twenty.
Deal.
Now do me a favor.
Smile.
A little snapshot to memorialize your beautiful evening on the town.
That'll be nine dollars for the original.
Duplicates two dollars each, four if they come out.
- I don't want anybody to know I was in this place.
- Wait a minute, guys.
Hey, Klinger, you really wanna raise some money? Rent your nose to the army as a warehouse.
I do believe he's taken that extra step.
- Would you gentlemen excuse me? - Of course.
[Yells.]
I knew you were riding today, sir, so I got this.
- Thank you, son.
- It's for Sophie.
Oh.
I'll wipe it off before I give it to her.
Ah! A little flea market, eh, Klinger? No, sir.
I cleaned every item personally.
Wonderful choice, sir.
That is very you.
I can let you have that for a song a $30 song.
Don't even hum it.
You're gonna need a pistol with those prices.
Colonel, the more I earn, the bigger your bribe.
- Give you a nickel for it.
- Joke away, sir but I'll be having the last laugh when you sign that discharge.
- [Duck Squeaking.]
- Don't touch the merchandise unless you intend to buy.
What's this? - A truss.
- Oh, ick! Klinger, move your casbah out of my camp.
All right.
If you're low on cash, I'll open you a charge account.
- Let's go, son.
- I can have it deducted from your pay.
- Who'd wanna buy a truss? - Never mind, Radar.
Oh, my! Hey, what happened here? - Sophie! - Where is she? Holy cow! Sophie! - [Whistles.]
Come on, girl! - She must've bolted.
She wouldn't leave you.
Somebody took her! No.
Nothing's been touched.
All my riding gear's here.
She was right here last night when I came out Oh, no! I must've left the gate open! Oh, geez! It's my fault! - No, no, no, it isn't, son.
- It is! Oh, yes, it is, sir.
You can bust me to private, court-martial me, not talk to me No, Radar, listen! I came out here last night to take a look at her.
- It was my fault! I must've done it.
- Oh, thank goodness! Whew! Oh, geez, I'm sorry, sir.
I know you feel bad enough already.
- Call "l" Corps, Radar.
- Choppers! Good idea.
We'll find her, sir.
If Sophie's around here, I'm gonna find her.
Sophie! Aw, Sophie.
Yeah.
She's got brown eyes, brown hair, yellow teeth and her coat's brown too.
Of course it's a horse! What do you think I've been talking about? Hey, listen.
This is serious.
She's out there, and you could hit her with one of your guns.
So you better keep your eyes on your horizon, fella! Yeah.
Thanks.
Colonel, did ya see her? Did you find her? I guess you didn't find her, huh? Well, listen, sir.
Don't worry.
We'll look again tomorrow.
Every unit in this sector is keepin' an eye open for her.
One field spotter thought he spotted her in the field but it was just another field spotter.
We'll track her down eventually, sir.
Sir? Don't give up hope, Colonel.
There's no hope to give up, son.
We looked everywhere.
I don't know what happened or where she is, but I know where she isn't.
Wanna join me? Oh, uh, no.
That, uh Sure.
I'm gonna miss that girl.
Oh, I know you are, sir.
Every once in a while, a horseman comes across an animal that's special one that knows you better than you know yourself.
Sophie gave me a lot of pleasure and I do believe she liked me.
Oh, I know she did, sir.
To absent friends.
You know, we got [Hiccups, Gasps.]
Easy, son.
I don't want to lose you too.
[Man On Speaker.]
Attention all personnel.
Attention all personnel.
The South Korean Mobile Army Recruiting Office has just entered the camp.
Uncle Syngman wants you.
- I cannot wear a dress.
- It's either this or an R.
O.
K.
Uniform.
And you got about 12 seconds to make up your mind.
No, here.
Over here.
[Knocking.]
- Yes? - Entrez.
Good evening, gentlemen.
Pardon the intrusion, but we are looking for escaped draftees.
Don't worry about us.
We've already been caught.
Have you seen any such draftees? Gee, not that I know of.
Do they have any distinguishing marks? Like fallen arches? Severe trembling? Self-inflicted wounds? You are funny man.
A regular Bob Hope.
But seriously, folks, the only draftees we get here arrive by ambulance.
Interesting, huh? This is a model of an alcoholic's digestive system.
- See, we're doctors.
- [Snaps Fingers.]
- Who is this, please? - That's an associate of ours, Dr.
Van Winkle.
- He's sleeping off the war.
- You wake him, please.
- I'd love to, but he's got another 19 years to go.
- I beg your pardon? Look.
That's the surgeon we share this tent with, Major Winchester and we're not disturbing him.
He just came out of It took 40 minutes to pry the scalpel out of his hand.
- You wake him, please.
- Sorry, fella.
You want him up, you gotta get a note from Col.
Potter.
[Speaking Korean.]
All right.
Thank you for your cooperation.
- Anytime.
- Don't be strangers.
Well, it's Korean roundup time.
Yippee-yi-yo-ki-yay.
Uh, get along, little doggie.
Get along.
Get along yourself.
I live here.
You live here? Who are you, sir? Well, not that it's any of your business, but I am Major Ch Hello.
Major Charles Emerson Win - [Clearing Throat.]
- Winchester III! - He's lying! Get outta here, you liar! - What? If you are the surgeon Winchester - "lf'? - Then who is that? - [Groans.]
- Thanks for stopping by.
Your timing is perfect.
Why, you lascivious boors.
You, you creeps! How dare you bring one of your trollops in here and put her in my bed! I am sick of your collegiate capers.
Remove this doxy immediately.
- [Both Laughing.]
- Bob Hope.
Now you've had your little joke.
Now would you mind leaving? I knew you sly boots were hiding somebody.
- Can't get one by you.
- [Laughing.]
[Chattering.]
- Charles, you really came through for us.
- Thank you, Charles.
- You're entirely welcome.
Get him out of my bed! - Shh, shh, shh! Sophie! Colonel Potter, it's Sophie! - Who is that guy? - [Radar.]
That's Cho pak.
- [BJ.
.]
The laundryman? - Yeah, but a long time ago he used to be a colonel.
Very brave soldier.
My grandfather tell me many times how he saved my village.
Sophie! Who the hell is riding her? It's Mr.
Pak.
What are you doing on my horse? Do you mind telling me what in the blazes he's doing on my horse? Colonel, please do not be angry.
My father means no harm.
Neither do I.
I don't understand.
He wears his uniform field colonel in army.
Riding horse makes him forget humiliation and remember days of glory when he was honored and respected as you are.
I think I get the picture.
Well, Sophie, you don't seem the worse for wear.
In fact, I've never seen you look better.
I will tell him to give back horse now.
Very sorry.
[Speaking Korean.]
[Continues In Korean.]
[Sighs.]
Thank you.
Just a moment, please.
[Korean.]
This horse means as much to me as any animal I've ever owned.
But she means more to your father.
- I would like him to have her.
- No, you cannot No.
I want to.
Tell your father.
[Korean.]
Good-bye, girl.
You take care of each other.
Colonel very generous.
My father never will forget, or will I.
Colonel? Um, that's the best thing I ever saw anybody do, ever.
I'll be in my tent.
All right.
I give up.
What are you doing? If you're eloping, you forgot the girl.
- I'm going to be with my friends where I belong.
- With your friends? - In the army.
- What brought this on? Cho Pak was brave soldier.
Saved my people long time ago.
Ham, wait a minute.
You don't owe anybody anything.
He wasn't afraid.
He did not run away and leave his friends to fight.
- I was wrong to run.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
You're 16 years old.
You got a right to grow up before they take you away.
- Must go now.
- Ham, you've lived right in the middle of this war.
You know what it's like out there.
Wait! Hey, wait a minute! - Damn it! - Look, let's call the M.
P.
s.
They'll arrest him for trespassing, jaywalking, anything.
- Maybe they can detain him - Hawk, he's gone.
Excuse me, sir.
Are you busy? Since when would that make any difference? I just wanted to say, sir, that your gesture towards that old Korean gentleman was the most generous act it's ever been my privilege to witness.
And I was wondering if you received that envelope I slipped under your door.
Sure did.
A promissory note for $5,000.
That's a big promise.
Which I'm well on my way to keeping.
You'll be able to fill that corral with horses.
Then this is an official bribe? Yes, sir.
Even notarized it myself.
- Well, son, you better start packing.
- Sir, I'm on my way.
- Right.
You're on your way to 20 work-filled years at Leavenworth.
- What? That's the official army door prize for bribing an officer.
- You're not serious, sir? - I'm not? Read the travel brochure.
"Twenty years.
Leavenworth.
" This is silly, sir.
It's just a misunderstanding.
I would never think of bribing an officer.
How about 10 bucks to forget the whole thing? - Colonel? Sir, outside.
You gotta come see this.
- Just a minute, Radar.
No, sir.
Now, sir.
Come quick.
- When I get back, you and your 10 bucks better be gone.
- We were never here, sir.
- What's this? - Colonel, my father died during the night.
His last hours the happiest ones because of you.
He left with honor, with pride and with dignity.
[Whinnying.]
Come on, Sophie.
[Slurring.]
Hey, Sherman, old buddy! Park it right here.
Park it right here.
Let me buy you a drink.
I appreciate it, son, but no thanks.
Nonsense.
I'm "liquordating" my corporation and who deserves one more than the man who put me out of business? Klinger, I can feel your hook dangling under my nose.
Pass.
You got me all wrong, sir.
This is pure kindness, I'll tell you what.
Let me buy you one.
Whatever you say.
If that's what you want.
Uh, Klinger, could you loan me that 10 bucks?