The Simpsons s07e18 Episode Script

The Simpsons D'oh! We now return to our 48-hour Itchy & Scratchy diamond jubilee marathon- celebrating 75 years of rib-tickling brutality and hilarious atrocities.
The Itchy & Scratchy Show Aw.
- If I ever stop loving violence, I want you to shoot me.
- Will do.
Tonight: A stowaway bear is terrorizing space shuttle astronauts.
But first a sneak peak at tomorrow's Itchy and Scratchy parade.
Hello, everybody.
I'm here live on Main Street where dedicated fans are already staking out the best seats for the big anniversary parade.
Bye, Mom.
Bye, Dad.
Bye, kids.
On your way back pick up a six-pack ofbeer.
Bart, Lisa, it's 11:00 at night.
Where do you think you're going? - Downtown.
- We gotta get seats for the Itchy and Scratchy parade.
I won't have my children sitting alone on a cold, dangerous street all night.
- Homer, you go too.
- Oh! Why can't they just take the gun? Hey, the comic book store's still open.
- Save our seats.
- Will do.
- Hello.
- Oh! Hey, sister, just give me a chance to get next to you.
Hey-y-y! Hey, my threads, baby.
How come I've never seen that Itchy & Scratchy before? Perhaps because you are a prepubescent ignoramus.
This is a bootleg copy of Itchy & Scratchy Meet Fritz the Cat.
Because of its frank depiction of sex and narcotic consumption it is not for infantile intellects such as yours.
Now toodle-oo.
Cool.
I'll give you 10 bucks for that.
Are you the creator of Hi and Lois? Because you are making me laugh.
That drawing is worth exactly $750 American.
- It's valuable, huh? - Ooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional.
I simply can't allow you to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment.
- Go! Go, for the good of the city.
- Loser.
Oh, nerts! - Which one's Itchy- the car? - The mouse.
Oh.
I guess that's not him then.
Represented on this next float is Roger Myers Sr who founded his company in 1921 and struck it big when he teamed up a mouse named Itchy with a cat named Scratchy.
Here we see him creating the two comical characters out of thoughts he plucks from his head.
And that man waving from the front of the float is his son, Roger Myers Jr.
Oh, isn't this just the most fun you've ever had in your life, Dave? Yes, Suzanne.
It is.
Whoa! Whoa! Oh, forget this.
I'm outta here.
Yea, Bart.
! Yea.
! And now the parade has entered Bumtown.
! Oh, it's all just so exciting, Dave.
! - Certainly seems to be a poorly planned parade route.
Uh-oh.
Hey, wait up! Get outta Bumtown, ya no-talent bum! Show some respect, man.
That "no-talent" created Itchy and Scratchy.
He didn't create Itchy.
I did.
- Huh? - He stole the character from me in 1928.
When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office and dropped an anvil on me.
Luckily I was carrying an umbrella at the time.
You invented Itchy- the Itchy & Scratchy Itchy? Sure.
In fact, I invented the whole concept of cartoon violence.
Before I came along, all cartoon animals did was play the ukulele.
I changed all that.
Well, I'm not callin' you a liar, but- but I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.
So I'm a liar, am I? "Itchy the Lucky Mouse in Manhattan Madness.
" That's the first Itchy cartoon ever made.
And it was made by me, ChesterJ.
Lampwick.
Find me a 90-year-old projector and I'll prove it to you.
"Itchy runs afoul of an Irishman.
" Look out, Itchy.
! He's Irish.
! Come on, Itchy.
Kill him.
! Kill that guy.
! "A chance for more mis"- Look at that fat oaf.
Shh.
! That's Teddy Roosevelt.
All right, Chester.
! Woo.
! Way to go.
! I can't believe it.
That was Itchy all right.
You did invent him.
When people see this, you'll be rich and famous.
D'oh.
That was a nice film I had once.
Last time I try to impress a four-year-old.
Well, see ya, kid.
You can't just go back to the gutter.
You created Itchy.
You should be a millionaire.
Ah, Roger Myers wouldn't give me a cent in the '20s.
Why would he give me anything now? You asked Roger Myers Sr.
for money.
Roger Myers Jr.
's in charge of the studio now.
He's a good man.
Every Christmas he goes down to the pound and rescues one cat and one mouse and gives them to a hungry family.
Hmm, studio's closed until Tuesday.
Animators have A.
A.
on Monday.
Hmm.
Well, you can stay at my house until then.
My parents won't mind because they won't even know about it.
All right.
The coast is clear.
- There's a box you can sleep in.
- Thanks.
- Just move that cot outta the way.
- Okay.
- Do you know what radon is? - No.
Good night.
Spare change? Mom, there's a weird smell and a lot of cursing coming from the basement, and Dad's upstairs.
Oh, it's just Bart and a mysterious stranger.
He's not a regular bum, Mom.
He's a genius bum.
He created Itchy, and he's the father of cartoon violence.
He just needs to stay here till tomorrow.
We're goin' down to Itchy & Scratchy Studios to pick up his check.
We're goin' down to Itchy & Scratchy Studios to pick up his check.
Well, if it's just for one more night.
So, let's review: You two screwballs have just strolled in here fresh from the sewer and given me a bunch of bulldink about creating Itchy-with no proof at all- and you expect me to give you how much? $800 billion.
Well, that brought back a lot of memories.
All right, gentlemen, I'll take your case.
But I'm going to have to ask for a thousand-dollar retainer.
A thousand dollars? But your ad says, "No money down.
" Oh, they got this all screwed up.
So you don't work on a contingency basis? No, money down! Oops.
I shouldn't have this Bar Association logo here either.
- Hey, Dad, can I have a thousand dollars? - All right.
Wait.
For what? - To pay for a lawyer for my bum.
- Forget it.
I thought I recognized you.
I gave you a plate of corn muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop.
- And you never did it! - Those corn muffins were lousy.
- Paint my chicken coop! - Make me! - That does it.
One of them has to go.
- Okay.
Grandpa.
- No, the B-U-M.
- Oh.
Wait.
There's an easy way to get rid of Chester without the guilt of sending him back to the gutter.
And all it will cost you is a thousand dollars.
Exhibit A: Steamboat Itchy, dated 1928.
The very first Itchy and Scratchy cartoon.
And the credits clearly state "Written, directed and created by Roger Myers.
"Music by Roger Myers and George Gershwin.
"Produced by Roger Myers and Joseph P.
Kennedy.
Copyright 1928 by Roger Myers.
" You will also notice Mr.
Myers's name and copyright notice on the original drawings of the other members of the Itchy and Scratchy family: Brown-Nose Bear, Disgruntled Goat Flatulent Fox, Rich Uncle Skeleton and Dinner Dog.
My client's film predates all of those things, Your Honor.
Oh, yes! I've forgotten your famous film- the one you destroyed before the trial and haven't been able to find another copy of.
Oh, yes.
That film.
Yes.
You don't have a copy, do you? Krusty, have you ever seen this so-called animation genius before? - Yes, I have.
- You have? I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence - but he never did it! - Those blintzes were terrible.
- Paint my fence! - Make me.
You give me back those blintzes then! Order! Order! We don't care about your blintzes.
Now, Mr.
Lampwick, when Roger Myers stole your character- - Objection.
- Sustained.
If I hear "objection" and "sustained" one more time today, I think I'm going to scream.
- Objection.
- Sustained.
Roger Myers didn't create any of his characters.
- He stole them all.
- Stole them all? That could turn this whole case around.
The only characters Myers could ever come up with were pathetic stick figures with the words "Sarcastic Horse" and "Manic Mailman" printed on 'em.
And they stank! So he started stealing other people's characters.
- That's a lie! - Are you saying- under oath, Mr.
Myers- that your father didn't steal any of the characters associated with your studio? Well, I don't think I am under oath, but yes, my father created them all.
Except for Flatulent Fox.
That was based on a true story.
But he did create Itchy.
That's one thing I am sure of.
Mr.
Hutz, we've been in here for four hours.
Do you have any evidence at all? Well, Your Honor, we've got plenty of hearsay and conjecture.
Those are kinds of evidence.
Your Honor, I move for dismissal.
I've got it! Dad, give me $750.
Okay.
Keep the trial going.
I'll be right back.
Your Honor, I'd like to call all of my surprise witnesses again.
Oh, there they are.
Oh, they were my favorites.
Thank you.
I knew I had seen this exact scene somewhere else.
It was in the movie Mr.
Lampwick showed me.
Ladies and gentlemen, this drawing was made in 1919- nine years before Roger Myers made his first Itchy and Scratchy cartoon.
That could have been drawn by anyone at anytime, Your Honor.
There's no signature or date.
Look under the frame, Brad.
Careful.
Careful.
Whoops.
It's there! Hmm.
"To Roger Myers.
Keep drawing.
"Your moxie more than makes up for your lack of talent.
Your pal, ChesterJ.
Lampwick.
September 3, 1919.
" Okay.
Maybe my dad did steal Itchy.
But so what? Animation is built on plagiarism.
If it weren't for someone plagiarizing The Honeymooners we wouldn't have The Flintstones.
If someone hadn't ripped off Sergeant Bilko, there'd be no Top Cat.
Huckleberry Hound? Chief Wiggum? Yogi Bear? Ha! Andy Griffith.
Edward G.
Robinson.
Art Carney.
Your Honor, you take away our right to steal ideas where are they gonna come from- her? Uh- hmm- How 'bout Ghost Mutt? The court rules in favor of Mr.
Lampwick.
Itchy & Scratchy Studios will pay a restitution of $800 billion.
Though that amount will probably come down a bit on appeal.
I hope you're happy, kid.
The studio's bankrupt.
You just killed Itchy and Scratchy.
We killed Itchy and Scratchy? Good riddance.
Wanna go celebrate? I feel like liver and onions.
Mmm.
What are you gonna do with all your money, Mr.
Lampwick? Well, first off, here's your thousand dollars back for hiring that lawyer and $750 for the drawing and here's a couple of bucks for your trouble.
Whoo-hoo! Look, Marge.
A couple of bucks! As for the rest of it, I'm gonna buy the one thing I've been dreaming of all the years I spent in the gutter: a solid gold house.
Well, Itchy and Scratchy are gone, but here's a cartoon that tries to make learning fun! Heh-heh-ho-ho- Sorry about this, kids.
But stay tuned.
We got some real good toy commercials comin' right up.
I swear.
- Hey, who left all this garbage on the steps of Congress? I'm not garbage.
I'm an amendment to be Yes, an amendment to be And I'm hopin' that they'll ratify me There's a lot offlag burners Who have got too much freedom I wanna make it legal for policemen to beat 'em 'Cause there's limits to our liberties Least I hope and pray that there are 'Cause those liberal freaks go too far But why can't we just make a law against flag burning? Because that law would be unconstitutional.
But if we change the Constitution- Then we could make all sorts of crazy laws.
! - Now you're catching on.
- What the hell is this? It's one of those campy, '70s throwbacks that appeals to Generation X'ers.
We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little.
What if people say you're not good enough to be in the Constitution? Then I'll crush all opposition to me And I'll make Ted Kennedy pay If he fights back I'll say that he's gay Good news, Amendment.
They ratified ya.
You're in the U.
S.
Constitution.
Oh, yeah! Door's open, boys.
Whoob-whoob-whoob-whoob.
So it's true.
Some cartoons do encourage violence.
- Ow! We gotta get Itchy and Scratchy back.
- And soon! Ow! You've got to make more Itchy and Scratchy cartoons.
The judge says it's okay as long as you pay Mr.
Lampwick royalties.
Royalties? Ha! I don't have the money to produce the cartoons.
I lost everything.
I can't even keep my dad's head in the freakin' cryogenic center anymore.
Ya comfortable in there, Daddy? Look, if money's the only problem, I know a guy who has lots of it.
Shoe shine, sir? Comb your hair for ya? Sir? - Humph.
- Sir? Sir? Sir? Okay.
Catch you on the way back.
- Oh, hi, kids.
- Hi, Chester.
Listen.
Would you pay to make more Itchy and Scratchy cartoons? - You'll get more royalties.
- I don't need any more money.
I'm not greedy.
As long as I've got my health and my millions of dollars and my gold house and my rocket car - I don't need anything else.
- Yes, but- Not interested.
Dad, can we have $183,000? - What for? - Lisa and I want to finance a series of animated cartoons.
Oh.
Uh- Forget it! Oh, no.
I give up.
- There's nothin' we can do.
- Yeah.
I agree.
- You wanna start on tryin' to get Apu out of jail? - Okay.
Wait, kids.
You can't give up on Itchy and Scratchy.
You're always so good at these things.
Why, together you've reunited Krusty with his father gotten Principal Skinner his job back and helped Dr.
Riviera perform open heart surgery on your father.
You've even foiled Sideshow Bob on five separate occasions, and he's an evil genius.
You're right, Mom.
I'm sure if we put our minds to it we can solve this one too.
Bart, look at this! What a perfect plan.
Now Roger Myers's hotel is just- And, so, when no one could think of a plan to resurrect Itchy and Scratchy a young boy- a wonderful, irrepressible young boy- took it on his own to solve the problem.
He discovered that the Postal Service's Mr.
Zip was just a rip-off of my father's stick figure character Manic Mailman.
- So the government gave me a huge cash settlement and Itchy & Scratchy Studios is back in business.
Thanks to you, Lester.
- What the hell is going on? - I don't know.
But it looks like you might have a little competition all of a sudden.
Thanks, everybody.
But I couldn't have done all this without the help of my brainy sister, Eliza.
I, too, owe many thanks to Lester and Eliza.
This is a great vindication for anybody who was ever taking a bath went to get the paper, fell down and had the door slam behind them and the doorknob break off.
And I'd like to thank Lester for reuniting me with my estranged wife.
- I never even heard about that.
- I don't understand it.
We're always the ones who solve these problems.
I guess you don't need it now, but we had a plan too.
Hey, great.
Listen.
Write it down and mail it to last week, when I might have cared.
I've got cartoons to make, kids.
And Scratchy Show Huh? You kids must be so happy.
- Your cute little cartoon friends are back on the air.
- Yes.
Well, technically everything worked out all right, but- - But? - Well, I wasn't the one who solved the problem and neither was Lisa.
There's something unsettling about that.
Shh!