Black-ish (2014) s07e19 Episode Script

1 DRE: Nothing bonds a couple more than judging other people's relationships.
That's why Bow and I love reality dating shows.
- Oh! [Laughs.]
- Aah! I knew it! No one ever wifes a woman named Lolo.
- [Chuckles.]
We called that! - Yes, we did.
- Hold up, baby.
Hold up.
- Huh? But since we've got three almost-grown kids, we don't have to wait until 9:00 p.
m.
on a Monday to watch couple drama.
- This is a test.
- Mm-hmm.
She left that last one on purpose.
Ooh.
I don't think Bradley's here for the right reasons.
Nope.
[Lasers firing on television.]
He's been playing that game for almost an hour.
He's wasting his one-on-one with her.
Ooh! She's on her phone, looking for a new boy.
Well, she needs to get out of this house.
Mm-hmm.
For you, my love.
Ugh! This one's boring.
- [Cellphone chimes.]
- [Gasps.]
Oh, my girl Gina is pregnant! Oh.
You know, I always enjoyed growing up with so many siblings.
I can't wait to have a big family of my own one day.
Mm.
Yeah, I don't know.
I might not even want to have kids.
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
Ooh, ooh, okay, I'm gonna be late for my Celebrity Divorce Draft.
All the Kardashians go in the first round.
- Bye, babe.
Love you.
Mwah! - Bye.
Well, I don't think she's gonna get a rose.
I called it.
- Yes, you did.
- Mm? Hey! - Phssht! - [Both laugh.]
- Hold on, baby.
- Get my back, baby.
Get my back.
Mah! Aw, you better hold on.
I see something.
- You got something? - Hey! [Both laugh.]
Can you two stop dusting your shoulders off at my relationship? - Can we? Yes.
Will we? No.
- [Laughs.]
Hey, hey.
Why are you two having fun together? That makes me uncomfortable.
Well, Junior just found out that Olivia doesn't want to have children.
Ah, ah, eh, eh! Don't fall for it.
That's how they trap you into not wearing a condom.
- Huh? - I-I-I don't think Yeah, I don't know.
She seemed pretty serious.
I guess I kind of just assumed that everybody wanted kids.
Look, Junior, a lot of people will tell you that compromise is the secret to a healthy relationship - Mm.
- but they're all wrong.
There are some things where you're either in or you're out.
You can't have half a kid! You can't half move to Tennessee.
And you can't have half a threesome.
- [Laughing.]
That's what I know.
- Ma! Okay, listen, the things that your grandmother's saying are not pertinent for anyone that is outside of a blues song, but she does have a point.
There are just things that are dealbreakers.
We all have them.
Yeah, there's this one time I saved up to buy this dope-ass diamond grill, but your mama made me give it back.
[Laughs.]
You should've seen the respect my mouth ice commanded - at the roller rink.
- [Chuckles.]
I was the Lil Jon of World on Wheels.
[Laughter.]
[As Lil Jon.]
Yeah! [Laughter.]
Oh, and you also threw down some dealbreakers, too.
Do you remember when I wanted to cut my hair - like Halle Berry in "Boomerang"? - [Normal voice.]
Oh, yeah.
And your father said, "No.
I will not date a woman who I have to share clippers with.
" That would've looked so good on you.
- I know, right? - Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, my number-one "hell no" was if you dated one of my friends, I was not dating you.
- Ah.
- Huh? Right, babe? Mm.
Right, babe? Bow? Yeah.
- Mostly.
- RUBY: Yeah.
And O.
J.
Simpson was mostly not a murderer.
Bow? - Andre.
[Chuckles.]
- Hm? Okay, I went on a very bad date with Remy.
Remember that guy you worked with? It was way before we were serious.
- You went on a date with my boy Remy? - He wasn't your boy.
The brother walked around with an empty trumpet case.
- Yeesh.
- Bow, you knew my dealbreaker.
What have you done with my wife? - Excuse me? - Where is my wife? - I'm right here.
- I don't know this woman.
She could be walking down the street, and I would know nothing.
I feel sorry for this woman.
Oh, my God.
He is quoting memes at you.
I've never seen him like this.
Well, [sighs.]
he'll be fine once he eats.
You better watch him, though.
He has a tendency not to chew when he's angry.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
See that? There it is.
Deal broken.
You know, you're never too old to move back in with your mama.
[Chuckles.]
Let's get a studio apartment with your Pops and sleep "Willy Wonka" -style.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah? Okay, my wife broke our deal, but I wasn't going to trip.
Bow has betrayed me.
- [Gasps.]
- What? How can Rainbow do that to you? Having an affair is the ultimate breach of trust.
But if she did it once, maybe she'd be open to do it again.
That rabbit's foot I got at the gas station is already working.
What? No.
She went on a date 20 years ago with some Nigerian dude who wore colored contacts.
And she knew that dating one of my boys was a dealbreaker.
Dre, I think you're making a little too much out of this, okay? As someone who has stolen the wives of many of his friends, I'll tell you this all women have a history.
But it's nothing that's worth hitting the eject button over.
- Okay.
- JOSH: Totally.
Women? They're so forgetful.
Why do you think I've been stood up on so many dates, right? No, it's not that.
All right, I didn't mind giving up things for her because I thought she was giving up things for me.
Relationships are about compromise.
I compromised.
She didn't.
Oh, but wouldn't nobody fault you for leaving if you wanted to.
- I'm not leaving her, Charlie.
- Mm.
I'm not doing anything to her.
As a matter of fact, I'm gonna reclaim my piece of me.
- Ooh! - Ooh! - I'm reading you loud and clear, Dre.
- Mm-hmm.
- Good luck on the mistress search.
- What? Hey, guys, now that we've solved Dre's problem, let's head over to the conference room.
I want to talk about our sexy new client Bergstram's Talcum Powder, huh? - Ooh.
- Let's get some snacks.
- Hey, hey, Stevens.
- Yeah? You know, um, I saw this meme - that went viral this weekend - Mm-hmm.
and I think it would be great for those spots.
Uh, I'm actually thinking of taking us in another direction, - like, uh, a catchy tag line.
- Okay.
"Talcum powder good for your pits and your bits.
" Huh? Uh, to be honest, I think we've done that before.
Okay, I get you, Dre.
Uh, but it's my company, and I'm gonna pull rank on this one.
But, Stevens, this meme is the hottest thing going around right now, and no one has used it to their advantage yet.
I-I'm sure it would be great, Dre, but if we do that, then I don't get to pull rank, and I'm really in the mood to do this.
Now, lookit this catchphrase, okay, it can't be overt, but we have to make it clear talcum powder goes on your genitals.
Huh? Come up with something.
You're good at that.
While Stevens was shooting down my ideas, Junior was fishing to find out exactly who he was dating.
Okay.
Yeah, I actually just saw a Sarah McLachlan commercial, and it kind of made me think, "I want a dog.
" Oh, yeah, that could be nice.
Maybe a little one.
Ooh, yeah, I'm not a not a big fan of little dogs.
- Oh.
- But it's it's not a big deal at all.
Hey, so what's your favorite "Harry Potter" movie? Hmm.
I don't know.
They all kind of just blend together for me.
[Chuckles.]
That could not be more wrong.
- Oh.
- But, you know, it's it's not the end of the world.
Hey, who do you think should've ended up on the Iron Throne at the end of "Game of Thrones"? All right, Junior, what's up? I feel like I'm in a really weird job interview.
It's just the whole no-kids thing kind of caught me off guard, and I just want to make sure I'm not surprised by any more dealbreakers.
Dealbreakers? Andre Johnson Jr.
, I could fill up this whole apartment with all my deals you're breaking.
I'm breaking deals? [Chuckles.]
You know what? It's fine.
Don't worry about it.
You're lucky you're cute.
And for your sake, I hope it lasts.
[Muttering.]
Talking about some dealbreakers.
Olivia.
Olivia! What deals am I breaking? And is this face mask supposed to burn? And if not, is my tender face another dealbreaker? I spent all day thinking about what I gave up, and then I decided, if Bow wasn't out here compromising like I was, it was time to take the gloves off.
Good night to the last, best first date I ever had.
[Chuckles.]
Good night.
[As Lil Jon.]
Yeah! Why are those in your mouth? This is my mouth revenge.
You know, looking back, it's amazing how much I gave up for you, and maybe that's why I feel like I'm in a rut and had to dig up my old goals book.
Yeah, things that I had to shelf.
You sound like Mike Tyson's more approachable younger brother.
[Lisping.]
And you sound ludicrouth.
"Dre's Missions and Ambitions"? [Normal voice.]
Yes.
A list of my deferred dreams.
- Starting with Goal #4.
- What's that? Learn how to talk to girls.
You never let me talk to girls, Bow.
- Mm.
- Goal #12 be a deejay.
- [Chuckles.]
- Vegas is paved with White deejays.
There's a hole in the market, Bow.
I could've been the plug.
Mm.
Goal #24 win a Heisman.
Okay, you need to take this up with God because He's the one that gave you no musical talent and those little, cute chicken legs of yours.
There you go, raining on my parade, but that's okay, because I am going to become the man that I had to change to please Queen Rainbow.
You know, Dre, I thought we changed for each other, that we compromised.
- But you know what? - Mm? You do you.
Thank you.
And I will do me.
Why do you say it like that? Don't worry about it, Dre.
Fine.
I will.
And I will sleep like a baby, because I [stomps.]
put my foot down.
- [Chuckles.]
- I'm never taking this grill out.
[Chuckling.]
Okay.
Well, I mean, I gotta take it out to put my mouth guard in - Uh-huh.
- but you know what I mean.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
So while I handled my problem, - Junior was still sitting in his.
- [Sighs.]
Olivia dropped a major bomb on me and told me I had plenty of dealbreakers for her.
And the worst part is, she didn't even tell me what they were.
I wonder what they could be.
Whew! I thought you'd never ask.
Okay, now, let's get into these dealbreakers, huh? One of your eyes squint too much when you smile.
It's ruined every one of our Christmas cards.
Mm.
She does have a point there.
You call soccer "fútbol.
" You got vacation braids in Jamaica because you thought they made you look like Sean Paul.
- They did.
- Not to mention your lactose intolerance isn't - exactly a turn-on.
- Yeah.
I mean, how can you protect your woman when you can't even stand up to milk? Oh, my God.
You guys are right.
I'm just one giant dealbreaker.
[Sighs.]
- Look.
- Hm? Only you can change what's wrong on the inside.
But for the outside, I mean, it'll take some work.
But I got you.
Mm, one of your eyes is doing that squinty thing again.
- Mm.
Oh, sorry.
- Hey, but don't worry.
Once we fix you on the outside, we'll take you to the doctor.
- I don't know if it's that serious.
- Oh.
No, trust me, you're gonna want to get that looked at.
Once I started getting back in touch with young Dre's hopes and ambitions, it was like the floodgates opened.
Hey, why does my house smell like one of Erykah Badu's head wraps? Your demon cards? I thought I told you not to mess with that stuff, Bow.
Dre, with all this talk of you rediscovering parts of yourself that I allegedly made you give up, it made me feel like I just want to, like dust off old Bow.
- [Laughs.]
- Mama! - Do you see - What is going on in here, boy? The devil is on the table.
Oh, we don't play that Miss Cleo blasphemy in this house.
I'm calling Pastor Jones right now! Ah, great.
Now we gotta get baptized in the L.
A.
River again.
- I'll just take an antibiotic.
- Oh, hush.
Once your souls are washed, I'll take you to Shake Shack.
Now, come away from them cards.
Okay, you've had your little fun, and I know you're only dabbling in the dark arts - because it gets under my skin.
- Oh.
No, no.
You're sitting at the devil's spades table, Bow, and you just reneged.
You don't want to hold this one? All right.
If Bow wanted a war over who we were and what we gave up to be with each other - [Ding!.]
- she would have one.
How we feeling tonight, Sherman Oaks? Huh? This is DJ Compton Kid.
Extended club mix.
Let's go! Fire up that loud Another round of shots, shots, shots Turn down for what? Oh! All the ladies in the house say, "Yeah!" Turn down for what? Turn down for what? Hey, wh where's my car? Had to move it out of here so I could, uh, have space for my art.
Where the hell am I supposed to park?! It's California, Andre Johnson.
You can park your car outside.
Except for on Thursdays.
Then you gotta move it to the other side of the street.
Excuse me.
Need to get back to my art.
[Ding!.]
Fire up that loud Another round of shots, shots, shots Do you even know how to ride this thing? [Scoffs.]
- Of course I do.
- Okay.
[Horn honks.]
DRE: And while Bow was watching me live out my dreams, Junior was doing everything he could to make sure Olivia wouldn't come to her senses and drop him.
Okay, now stop.
Okay.
You can take your blindfold off.
- Okay.
- Ta-da! Mm.
I changed my whole look for you.
Welcome to the new, dealbreaker-free Andre Johnson Jr.
You kind of just look like Drake.
- [Claps.]
You're welcome.
- Mm.
How'd you even grow a beard that fast? Oh, I can grow a beard easy.
I just keep it shaved down so that my dad feels good about his.
- He needs it.
- Oh.
Now, I know it is a lot to take in, but I'm dying to know what's going through your mind right now.
Uh, listen, I love you.
You know that.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
- Ooh, but you look crazy, man.
- What? I gave this girl Champagne Papi, and she got beer taste.
You're just you're just doing way too much.
Uh, how do I do less? I'll do anything.
Girl, you're the best I ever had.
Y'all, I-I smell smoke.
[Sniffs.]
[Laughs.]
Rest in peace, tarot cards.
I cast you out in the name of Black Jesus - RAINBOW: What? - and my mama.
My cards! Dre, what are you doing?! Getting rid of the evil these devil's business cards - brought into the house.
- What? I swear, I saw the cupboard close by itself when I came back in from riding my hog.
That's probably 'cause the fake gold from your grills is poisoning your mind.
- Don't disrespect the grill, Bow.
- Oh, come on.
I'm a man that's made too many sacrifices already.
This should be enough for me to get emancipated, right? You know what, Junior? I want you to witness this.
Never change who you are for anyone.
25 years later, you'll be wondering about the life that you could've had had you not been stifled.
- Stifled? - Mm-hmm.
Dre, we're playing around.
It's a motorcycle, some turntables, and a grill.
What are you talking about? It's not just about those things, Bow.
It's about the life that I could've had and the things that I could've been.
- I could've been a world-class deejay.
- No.
I could've been the first Black Hells Angel.
I could've opened my own ad agency.
- What? - Yes.
It was Goal #7 on my list, right after "run around my block without stopping.
" - But I didn't.
- Mm.
For us.
I'mma What's on your face? - This is pretty awkward.
- Hot.
Yeah, you guys have fun with all this.
We're gonna we're gonna get going.
- Okay.
- Hey, what? - Yeah.
- [All gasping.]
Junior! - Did the door? - I'm calling Pastor Jones.
My dreams are finally coming true.
Um Ah! I hope it's not a friendly ghost.
[Door closes.]
Oh.
Hello.
- Hey.
- Are you back? Yeah.
I decided to take the bike out for a ride, but didn't get very far because I realized I don't know how to ride.
Ah, I see.
Well, want to tell me what's going on? Okay, babe.
I'm sorry for getting out of control back there, but What are you doing? I was reading my old journal, and it got me messed up.
I can see that.
Just to be clear, you know, I threatened to leave you if you got a "Thug Life" tattoo across your belly, but I never I never stopped you from starting an ad agency, Dre.
- No.
I stopped myself.
- Okay.
You know, the family was growing, I was making plenty of money, and I just got comfortable, babe, and it wasn't time to take a risk.
Dre, that's totally understandable.
But something's changed at work.
I don't feel like I'm growing.
Dre, it's really noble that you've played it safe for your family all these years, but maybe it's time for you to, I don't know, take a chance for yourself.
Start your own agency, or see what else is out there.
I got your back.
Thank you.
Always.
- Now - Hm? Andre Johnson, please get rid of that grill.
You're right.
I'm over the grill.
But I also think I'm gonna need emergency dental surgery.
[Sucks teeth.]
My gums haven't stopped bleeding all day.
- Ugh, God.
- Mm-hmm.
Let me see what's in this journal? - Promise not to laugh? - Sure.
Pass it over.
Let me see.
Mm-hmm.
- No, no, no.
- What? "Marry Tisha Campbell"? And then what's this asterisk? - It says, "See" - "See above.
" [Chuckles.]
"Marry" "Marry Hillary Clinton and treat her right.
" And it says, "Backup plan for 5, 9, and 11.
Does that make me president?" [Laughs.]
Sorry.
I said I wouldn't laugh.
What?! My dad wants to know if you want a motorcycle, because, apparently, the dealership won't take back - a dented one.
- You know what? If that's what having parents who stay together is like, I'm good.
That's not gonna be us, right? Not if we just communicate with each other.
You know what? Let's just lay out all of our dealbreakers right now.
Well, I never saw myself with a man who has a toy collection.
Okay, I never saw myself with someone who wears sunglasses in the pool.
- Like, what's the point? - Okay, okay.
Well, I never wanted to date someone with daddy issues or mommy issues, and you have both.
- I do.
- Yeah.
And I also never thought I'd date someone who hated spicy food.
Just whoa.
But But we got over those things, so we can get over the other ones.
- Don't you think? - Yeah.
You know, I'll be honest the kid thing kind of scared me, but I realized that a future with you is better than any dealbreaker-free future with anyone else.
- Hm.
- I'm lucky.
I feel the same way.
And also, they're not toys.
They're Funko Pops, and you will be thanking your lucky stars when they're paying for our retirement.
Sometimes in life you give up things, and it makes you a better person.
[Sighs.]
And sometimes you just give up those things for the time being.
But they'll be ready for you to pick up when the time is right.
Andre Johnson, our agency has admired your work for a long time now, but you've always been locked up at Stevens & Lido.
So I have to ask after all this time, why now? Well, I, uh I guess I just needed to cross some things off my list.
Hmm.
So, wow me.
Hey, thank you for letting me spin for, uh, three people.
[Laughs.]
[George Clinton's "Atomic Dog" playing.]
Ooh! Aaaah Hey, what are you doing, son? Trying to steal my shine? Uh, this will help you go viral, trust me.
Like the boys when they're out there walkin' the streets How did you grow a beard so fast? Genetics? - [Laughs.]
- Hey! Ruff! - Ruff! - Ruff! - Ruff! - Ruff! TOGETHER: Why must I feel like that? Why must I chase the cat? Nothing but the dog in me - Oh! - Ow! - Hold up Oh.
- Ooh! Oh, you want me to get Mom? - Ah, I pulled something.
- You good? Son, get me an ice pack.
Mm!