Last Man Standing s07e19 Episode Script

1 (Groans): Ah, come on.
The other machine was better.
It's not that complicated.
ED: We we've been - I told you that.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(Chuck sighs) Ed, uh, Carol has to work this weekend, so I can go with you to that funeral.
Thanks, Chuck.
Thanks.
Yeah, VFW pal.
Cholesterol finished the job the Viet Cong couldn't.
And so I can't use my Nuggets tickets, so, uh, do you want them? No, no, thanks.
Doing a little ice fishing by myself.
Just me sitting on a cold bucket, - freezing my nuggets.
- Ah.
(Chuckles) Hey, the lengths you'll go to to find a sport white people are better at.
(Knocking) Good morning, gentlemen.
- Reverend.
- Hey.
Clean up the language, boys.
We got a backward collar in the room.
(Chuckles) Hey, uh, how about a cup of coffee, Reverend Paul? You know everybody always offers me coffee? It's never, "Hey, how about a beer, Reverend Paul?" We don't have booze at work this isn't the church.
(Paul laughs) Listen, I'm in a bit of a rush.
You got some time, Mike? Only the man upstairs knows if I got more time, but Uh, wait.
Unless you've heard something.
- So, what's up? - Uh, listen, I am gonna need you to teach the adult Sunday school class this weekend.
You came all the way over here to ask me that? Why didn't you shoot me an e-mail, or just shoot me? I find it harder for people to say no when they have to look me in the eye.
No.
Not that hard.
Mike, you signed up to be the backup Sunday school teacher.
No, no, no, no.
I signed up to be the backup to the backup.
I'm, like, third on the depth chart.
Well, first-and second-string are out of town, so grab your helmet, I'm putting you in.
(Laughs) Oh, you know, I really can't this Sunday.
(Sighs) A close friend of Ed's passed away.
And I'm going ice fishing.
You know, here's something I rarely get to say as a pastor, Mike.
I don't care.
I'll see you Sunday.
- Mmm.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- (Laughs) Boy that smells almost as good as you look.
Aw.
(Laughs) Well, it's beef stew, and if you don't think it's stew-pendous, I won't carrot all.
(Laughs) Oh, peas, honey.
Ah.
You're joining in.
(Chuckles) - What do you want? - Look.
You like to teach, you love God how about - I ask you - Nope.
No, let me finish.
Just, I want you Nope.
You volunteered to be the substitute for the substitute.
Which would mean I would never have to do this.
Wait a minute.
Look who's home.
I almost forgot.
My favorite daughter, right here.
And yet you forgot I was home.
He's buttering you up before he asks you to teach Sunday school for him.
Nope.
Come on.
I'm just gonna ask this one little favor.
Nope.
I came home to hang out with my sisters.
It's okay, Mike, the fishing shack will still be brutally cold and lonely next week.
Haven't we always taught you to help unto others? Says the man who's trying to ditch church to go unto ice fishing.
If you need someone, I hear Kyle is a great Sunday school teacher.
Uh, no, no.
This is teaching adults.
Kyle's only taught the children's class.
But adults are just children with more money and less cartilage.
Well, good luck tricking him into doing it.
Just kidding.
It will be very easy tricking Kyle into doing it.
Ah, what's it gonna be, ladies, huh? Sandra Bullock lost in space or Sandra Bullock, necklace thief, hmm? I vote the astronaut.
Unless you have that out-of-control-bus one.
The astronaut one is lame.
- One outfit for an entire movie? - (Chuckles) - No, thanks.
- Uh, I vote necklace, too.
Sorry.
Majority rules.
Wait.
Doesn't Jen get to vote? She can't vote.
She's not a citizen.
Here you go, Mandy.
You're the best, mèimei.
That means "little sister" in Mandarin.
Sort of.
You have to try this, Kris.
It's Jen's special lemonade.
Ooh, ooh.
Jen, do you mind? - Not at all.
- Oh, and can you be a doll and make that popcorn with the brown sugar butter? Oh, I'm so happy I'm here.
We don't have dairy or sugar in Ryan's House of Vegan Delights.
Popcorn coming right up.
Eve, would you like something? Oh.
No, Jen.
If I want something, I can get it myself.
Hey, Kyle.
Thought we were having lunch.
Oh.
I can't.
I'm preparing Mr.
B's Sunday school lesson for class.
I'm at "staring at a blank page" part.
Well, what's the big deal? You taught Boyd's class.
He said it was really fun.
He loves your puppet of John the Bath Towel.
Yeah, but I'm not teaching kids, I'm teaching adults, which means no puppets, no balloon animals, and I got nothin'.
Well, why don't you just use something that adults like? Okay.
Adults like charts and graphs, right? No.
But they do like to be entertained.
You know, what you need is accompaniment.
You mean, like, fries? No.
Like, okay, when I was in college, I used to do this morning radio show: RyRy and The Crusher.
I was I was RyRy.
And The Crusher he was a big fella would do the news, and I would riff off him, painting this awesome soundscape with my keyboard.
Like, what are you teaching? Uh, Noah's ark.
Perfect.
Imagine this.
You're talking about the great flood.
What if you could hear the storm? (Imitates rain) And then suddenly, crack! A bolt of lightning.
- Whoa! - Oh, yeah.
That, my friend, is the power of accompaniment, and that is what I bring to the table.
Yeah, that'd be fantastic.
- You'd do that for me? - Yeah, of course.
You helped me break up the concrete slab behind the garage.
No, I didn't.
Oh, that's right.
You will Monday.
- (Indistinct chatter) - Okay.
If everyone wants to find a seat? Let's be quiet foxes.
Uh, where are my quiet foxes? (Electronic chiming) Good morning, everybody.
I'm Kyle.
I get to lead our discussion today about Noah's ark.
(Sound of people clapping) Uh, thank you.
And assisting me is my brother-in-law, Ryan.
(Sound of crowd cheering) Um, everybody knows the story of Noah's ark, how God sent a flood to wash away the sins of man.
- (Sound of thunder crashing) - How it rained for 40 days - and 40 nights.
- (Sound of rain falling) Noah's ark was adrift in an endless ocean among the crashing waves, the howling wind and the mighty storms with two of every animal.
- Lambs - (Sound of lamb baaing) - horses - (Sound of horse neighing) - lions - (Sound of lion roaring) (Trombone wah-wah'ing sadly) Uh, that was supposed to be an elephant.
(Clears throat) But the storm finally stopped, - and all was quiet.
- (Sound of bird squawking) (Sound of donkey braying) You know, I think Noah might even say: "You want to cool it with the sound effects?" Maybe the story of Noah's ark doesn't need anything to make it bigger.
Maybe it's too big already, and and that's what's keeping us from seeing the small thing that it's really about.
Starting over.
You know, the chance to wash away all the problems and mistakes in our lives and set foot on solid ground.
The chance to try again.
Because well, it's nice to know that you can always make a fresh start.
(Sound of elephant trumpeting) I knew I had an elephant.
Hey, Jen, I've been meaning to talk to you.
Okay.
What's up? Well, it's about the other night.
I didn't like what I saw.
Me, neither.
Sandra Bullock is not believable as a thief.
I barely find her believable as Sandra Bullock.
No, I'm talking about Mandy and Kristin bossing you around.
I don't mind doing things for them.
They're my big sisters.
(Sighs): And they got you.
That's how they got me, too.
They know how much you want them to like you.
I don't think they do know.
Because I want them to like me a lot.
Here's what they don't tell you.
Left unchecked, older sisters are monsters.
And by that I mean they're horrible people.
(Sniffing) Did you make cookies? No.
(Oven bell dings) Yes.
For who? For me and you (Mumbles): and maybe Mandy.
You made cookies for Mandy? - I did.
- (Groans) Jen, Jen, Jen, you want them to like you, but it's also important that they respect you.
Okay? I-I can show you how to stand up to them.
But won't that make them mad? It may, mèimei.
Okay, I'll give it a try, but I really don't think they take advantage of me.
(Dryer buzzes) Whose laundry are you doing? Mine and (High-pitched): maybe Mandy's.
Oh, my God, come on! Hey.
Before you get mad at me for having Kyle substitute teach for me, brought you some rainbow trout.
So you think you can buy me off with a few fish? (Scoffs) Absolutely not.
There's also a nice bottle of wine in there.
Well, bless you, my son.
- Good deal.
- Hey, listen, and as far as Kyle's teaching goes? - Yeah? - It was fantastic.
Well, of course it was.
That was why he was my first and only choice.
- He was amazing.
- Great.
That young man has a way of peeling back all the unnecessary layers of religion - and just speaks simply.
- He he has no problem speaking simply.
Well, and that's a quality that you and the congregation should look for in your next pastor.
Well, I hope that's a long time coming.
Well, it's actually gonna be a short time.
I'm leaving the church.
Jesus our Lord and Savior would hate to hear that.
You're leaving the church? How do you even do that? I thought this, you know, was like working for the mob.
Mike, in Ecclesiastes three, verse one, it says "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.
" Actually, that's a song by The Byrds.
Mike, I'm just feeling a little burned out.
Every day my assistant gives me a task list.
Listen to this.
"Building fund meeting.
"Budget reconciliation reports.
- Staff reviews.
" - Yeah.
I get it, I get it.
I literally get this all the time.
You know how I dealt with that? I fired my assistant.
Once a week for about a half hour, I get to preach.
And I love that.
And then it's back to this.
Get away from this.
You know, clear your head.
Do something else for a while.
I've been praying on this for a while, and I told God that I was at a crossroads - and I needed some guidance.
- (Sighs) And after watching Kyle it was like God saying, "Here's your sign.
" Wow.
So you think God used Kyle to deliver you a sign.
I don't use Kyle to deliver my lunch.
Mike, we're friends.
Trust me.
This is the right thing for me.
- You're a good man, Reverend.
- Thank you.
And a great preacher.
Enjoy the fish.
If you run low on them, I think you know what to do.
Hey, let's get this thing going.
Tonight we have Julia Roberts as a prostitute or Julia Roberts is dying.
This one says Toy Story 4, but I don't know how Dad would have that one already.
I think we should just let Jen pick the movie.
She's not a citizen.
She can't pick.
Jen, do you want to watch Julia Roberts working girl or dying girl? Hmm.
I want to play cards.
But it's movie night.
Why, because you said so? Mèimei with the smack, smack.
Okay, fine.
Cards, then.
Can I at least get something to drink? That looks good.
What is it? Oh, it's a drink from Hong Kong called "none-yo.
" None yo business.
Wh-What's going on? You're going on.
That makes no sense.
I know, I'm lousy at this.
It takes practice.
Hate is a skill.
What are you telling her? - You are such a troublemaker.
- Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it? (Blows raspberry) Nothing.
See? Folds like a lawn chair.
Jen, I don't know what she told you about us, but She called you monsters and horrible people.
And that is why Mom and Dad had her sent away.
You know, she's just bitter because you've replaced her in our hearts.
You don't have a heart.
You just have emojis.
Eve, in my culture, we're taught to honor age as a sign of wisdom.
I like doing things for my elders.
- Huh? - Your what, now? No matter how infirm or frail, they're still people.
So, I'll go get the ice cream and the blanket for the old ones in case they get a chill.
- Like hell you will.
- No, no.
Mandy, she's just playing to your ego.
I know.
And it's working.
I'll get my own damn ice cream.
I am gonna help her because I am not crazy about this.
Well, on behalf of little sisters everywhere, welcome to the club.
Thank you.
What are you drinking, anyway? "Yaint.
" Yaint getting any.
(Exhales) Wow.
Mike.
This is just grim.
Well, my concept for building houses on-on the ice is don't make them too fancy.
There was this guy up here last year who really went all out.
Two stories, furniture, wood-burning stove.
- It was incredible.
- (Chuckles): So incredible he forgot that he built it on ice, so when spring came, God rest his soul.
Well, I appreciate the invite.
I'm gonna need some hobbies once I retire.
Maybe shivering will be a fun one.
(Chuckles) Listen, get all the gear ready to go.
I'm gonna head back to the truck, get the rest of our gear, and by "rest of it," I mean booze.
And better socks.
So you're really gonna retire? Yeah.
I think I'm just getting a little stale.
But you have the best job in the world, sir.
Well, testing out bounce houses is probably the best job in the world.
Kyle, you don't have to keep calling me sir.
And I just think I'm getting a little old for this.
Moses was 120.
Yeah, you're right.
And Noah, he was 950.
And he built a big boat.
I'm in my 20s, and I've been working on the same jigsaw puzzle since middle school.
Well, the ministry needs a young person's energy.
I realized that when I was watching your Sunday school message.
Not so sure everyone got my message.
What? You were excellent.
Who in that room didn't get your message? You.
Me? Yeah, the message was supposed to be about how we can all start over.
You know, be renewed.
And you're saying you can't do that, so obviously you didn't get it.
Uh, sir.
Where is Mike with that booze? Kyle, it's different when the ministry is your job.
'Cause there's a lot of job stuff other than just preaching the word.
Do you know why I like - coming to Mr.
B's fishing hut? - (Scoffs) You hate your fingers and toes? My job at the store is to tell people how great it is to do stuff out in nature.
And if I don't do that stuff myself, then what I tell people might start to feel stale.
Are you preaching at me, son? Just talking.
So, what you're saying is I should find my own metaphorical ice fishing hut.
I'm not sure.
Because I have no idea what that means.
A place where I could go and remember why I became a minister in the first place.
A place I could go to renew.
Then, yes.
(Chuckles) You happy now? Now everybody in that class got your message.
Well, not RyRy.
But I'll work on him on Monday when I'm busting up his concrete.
Kyle, have you ever thought about going into the ministry? No.
No, never.
Uh, not often.
Sometimes.
It's occurred to me.
I think about it a lot.
Well, you should, son.
You'd be great.
We need people that can deliver simple, powerful messages like the one you came up with on Sunday.
(Chuckles) And today.
I'll pray on it.
God will let me know.
- Oh.
I got one.
- Hey! Well, there's your sign.
(Both chuckle) Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man, talking about passion.
They say if you do something you love for a living, you'll never work a day in your life.
And no work is a pretty sweet deal.
You get to feel what it's like to be a congressman.
(Chuckles) But if you're not careful, turning your passion into a job could make you fall out of love with it.
That's why I've rejected offers from several prestigious firms to become a gigolo.
Making your passion your profession means it's bound to become work.
Sure, you and your buddies painting yourselves blue for Halloween might have been fun that first time.
But when you're coating on the layers for your 6,000th Blue Man show in Vegas, you might regret chasing that dream.
For me, the outdoors has always been my sanctuary, but in my effort to share it with the world, I spend a lot of time chained to a desk.
When I start feeling like putting my fist through this computer I'm talking into, that's when it's time for me to head back to nature.
I don't mean driving past nature in a Winnebago and going, "Is that a tree?" I need the real thing, the kind that's so cold it hurts your face.
That's how you know you're really in it.
Henry David Thoreau said, "All nature is your congratulations, and you have cause to bless yourself.
" In other words, go outside.
Hope I don't see you out there.
(Shivers) Baxter out.