M*A*S*H (MASH) s07e19 Episode Script

Pierce.
Pierce.
- Please, five more minutes, honey.
- That's Colonel Honey.
How long have you been sittin' here, son? I don't know.
Who's president? I know how beat you are but you'll feel better as soon as you slip into some hot coffee and a cold shower.
No, Colonel, you're supposed to be telling me to get some sleep.
Sorry.
There's a lecture this morning.
I'll give you two bucks to take notes for me.
You'll want to be there for two reasons.
First, this is gonna show us a new heart technique and second, it'd be a nice gesture to your commanding officer who could make your life so miserable if he wanted to.
Colonel, I haven't rubbed the sleep out of my eyes for weeks.
The sandman is threatening to drop me from his route.
You know I'm not that big on attendance, but this guy's a bundle of information.
I'll wait till they bring him out in paperback.
Next week when that proctologist comes with his slide show, you're excused.
It's standing room only for that one.
- [Grunts.]
- Uh, Colonel I'm not really an expert on this, but when you walk shouldn't one leg go up while the other one goes down? Be in my office at 10:00, and mind your own business.
- Oh, the phlebitis again? - No.
If it's acting up, why don't you lie down and take it easy? Because it's superficial.
And this whole place will fall apart without me.
Ah, the indispensable man.
Look, blood clots can be aggravating, particularly if they're yours.
Do you mind? I've already seen the doctor me.
And I'm fine.
Ow! This looks like an aerial view of the Okefenokee.
Don't eat it with your fingers.
There's liable to be an alligator in it.
[Clank.]
If anybody needs me, I'll be in my applesauce.
This is ludicrous.
Oh, that's what it is.
No, I was referring to the impending lecture.
Some doddering quack from Tokyo General whose brains are nestled in his derriere is going to deliver yet another verbal sedative interrupted only by his failing memory.
And good morning to you.
What was the last thing you approved of, Charles, besides your birth? Gee, oh, that is a toughie.
Hi, guys! Boy, I got no luck whatsoever.
Who are you this week, Rosie the Riveter? I get here at 8:15.
Plenty of time to catch the crosstown bus, right? I bring my bowling ball to Adolph's Sporting Goods and he starts drilling holes without even asking.
Now I got six holes in my bowling ball.
You know what kind of a hook that gives it? I throw it, it comes right back.
What am I gonna tell the team? All right, what team? You know, Ernie's Pizza Inferno.
[Charles.]
Rah.
! Rah.
! Rah.
! Rah.
! - I get it.
We're in Toledo.
- Impossible.
I wouldn't be caught dead in Toledo.
Now I place you.
Mr.
Winchester, the doorman of the Commodore Perry Hotel.
- I recognize you from your uniform.
- Blow the whistle on him.
Do not include me in your demented masquerade, Corporal.
Corporal? Whoooo! They give him a uniform, and he thinks he's in the army.
You are one word away from going on report.
Wouldn't you know it? Every time I talk to a stranger in one of these cheap diners he turns out to be a nut.
Hold that bus! See you at the brewery, guys.
There is a great difference of opinion at present concerning the preferable method of treating penetrating wounds of the heart.
- Gentlemen, please excuse my tardiness.
- Ohh! It was purely intentional.
You must be Captain Simmons You can't be Captain Simmons.
Major Winchester, Captain Simmons.
- You are Captain Simmons.
- Afraid so, and I'm sorry for being so young.
- It's all right.
You'll grow out of it.
- Carry on, son.
At Tokyo General, we feel pericardiocentesis is the only proper required treatment.
In figure "A," a large needle is inserted into the pericardial sac.
Constant suction is maintained.
Now the first trick is to know when the advancement of the needle is stopped.
Trick? [Chuckles.]
Hardly.
Advancement is stopped when resistance is felt through the tissue correct? Not quite, sir.
It's when the motion of the myocardium is transmitted to the fingers and dark blood appears.
Let that be a lesson to you.
If you think he's good now, Charles, wait till his voice changes.
If tamponade reoccurs, then surgery is indicated.
Then, with the pericardium open, the blood clots are removed.
Excuse me, young man.
Removing blood clots in the manner you advocate would, uh, probably initiate a hemorrhage.
Therefore I, uh, I wouldn't do it.
- You wouldn't, but I would.
It's a risk I prefer to take.
- I beg your pardon? Repeat it for him, will you? His ears went with his hair.
If brisk hemorrhage occurs, you simply locate the wound, hold pressure on it replace the blood as quickly as possible and then suture.
Captain, even a veterinarian knows that that procedure increases the likelihood of ventricular fibrillation.
Right.
That's why you administer intravenous procaine or Pronestyl.
- Give it a whirl sometime, Doctor.
- You give it a whirl, sonny.
- Getting all this, Pierce? - Sure.
"Give it a whirl sometime, Doctor.
" - "You give it a whirl, sonny.
" - Just checking.
- Sorry, sirs.
- Choppers, right? I know, I know, but there's choppers coming in.
- School's out.
- [B.
J.
.]
Saved by the hell.
- Sir, you know you're limping again? - I'm not limping.
- I'm favoring my other leg.
- Oh.
This guy can wait.
X-rays.
Boy, they should get a stop sign for this corner.
It's the most dangerous intersection in Ohio.
Abdominal wounds.
Prep him, stat.
Multiple wounds and chest.
Get him in fast! - How is he? - Superficial.
He can wait.
Good.
Set him down over there, give him something for pain.
Tighten these dressings.
This man's a one.
- Good Lord.
Where do you start? - Anywhere and then you keep going.
- Is it like this all the time? - Nah.
Compared to last week, this is a lawn party.
- Shrapnel and fractured femur.
Has he had morphine? - Quarter grain, Doctor.
Give him another quarter, and he can wait.
How loud do they have to scream before they can get in? - It's the ones who can't scream that go first.
- Hang in there, son.
The real thing is never as neat as a diagram, is it? Officer, I saw the whole thing.
I was bringing my laundry in to Larry's French Cleaners Move it, Mr.
9-to-5, or I'll arrest you for loitering.
A little courtesy, Officer.
Your salary comes out of my pocket.
- Move it! - I got your badge number! All right, let's shift it out of neutral.
We got a lot of work to do.
That's a neat little step you got there, Colonel.
You wanna teach it to me? - Boy, you're really in pain, aren't you? - I am just watching you.
You know, the way you boys worry over me is really touching.
Drop it.
I'm sure the colonel will be happy to know that I'm as indifferent to his condition as he is.
All right, I never thought I'd say this, but I want to look at your leg.
- Forget it.
- Come on, Colonel.
We don't move until you don't.
Come on, sit down.
Give me your leg.
Uh-huh.
Congratulations, Colonel.
Your calf is growing into a heftyJersey cow.
- Bull! - All right, bull.
But you're not going into O.
R.
I'll go wherever I darn well please.
It doesn't hurt.
Colonel, this is one occasion you're not going to be able to rise to.
It happens to all of us eventually.
I'm not leaving you shorthanded in there.
- Not to worry.
Simmons hasn't left yet.
- Simmons? Are you out of your That is a brilliant idea.
Not so brilliant.
The kid's never been in the trenches before.
Don't worry, Colonel.
I'm sure that Captain Simmons will be able to provide more than adequate coverage for you in surgery.
I will personally do my best to help him right along.
- I can lean against a table - Alley Oop.
You can read about it in the morning papers, Colonel.
I'll go find Simmons.
I just hope that precocious neophyte does not irreparably damage our good name.
Not with a belligerent buzzard like you circling around, he won't.
[Simmons.]
This bowel is nothing but perforations.
- Three-oh chromic G.
I.
Keep it coming.
- [Charles.]
Cancel that.
Captain, around here we don't have time to sew up all the little holes.
Just remove the damaged bowel and suture the two ends together.
[Simmons.]
Even if it means losing two or three feet? [Charles.]
That's right.
Others are waiting.
Men have families, intestines don't.
Major, your voice would carry much better if you talked across to people and not down to them.
Don't worry, Captain.
You're doing fine.
When Major Winchester first got here, he had trouble with emergency procedures too.
- He couldn't even go potty by himself.
- [Mulcahy.]
Captain, please.
Oh, sorry, Father.
I know how hard Charles has been working on it too.
[Charles.]
Pierce can't help it, Simmons.
It's his schooling.
He majored in Scatology.
Kellye, finish closing for me, will you, please? Right.
Hmm.
Well, that doesn't look too difficult.
However, if you go astray, I will be nearby.
All right.
I'm going to do end-to-end anastomosis.
- Give that man a cigar.
- Just don't flick the ashes in your patient.
Major? Excuse me, Major, you're in my light.
- Hmm? - Down in front, Charles.
[Charles.]
Your gratitude overwhelms me.
Where's Toledo's leading citizen with my X-rays? Mr.
Klinger! Here are your snapshots, Mr.
Pierce.
That's some camera you got.
Ah, the bats are busy in there tonight.
Could you pay me right away? I'd like to get home early and change.
Tonight's my lodge meeting and we're swearing in a new Moose.
Go out to my roadster.
There's a quarter in the glove compartment.
- And don't play with the flashlight.
- Yes, sir.
- And thank you, Mr.
Pierce.
- Bright kid.
[Simmons.]
These perforations go on forever.
What a mess.
I'm gonna need more clamps.
[Charles, Laughing.]
I knew it.
Wonder Boy or not, it isn't Tokyo.
You want to finish the bandaging, Kellye? All right, sonny.
You just, uh, finish the resection you're working on and I'll suture the other areas primarily.
That is, if it's, uh, all right with you? No thanks, Major.
I'm going to resect the other area.
Captain, now you're removing too much bowel.
- Don't worry about it, sir.
The resections are far enough apart.
- Simmons, you're not listening.
Neither are you, Charles.
Sounds to me like he knows what he's doing.
Don't ask my opinion, Charles.
You wouldn't like it.
All right, suit yourselves.
Play doctor with Skippy.
- What's he got against me? - Well, you're young, you're intelligent and worst of all you're right.
[Whistling.]
Colonel, what are you doing at your desk in your own office? You and your leg are supposed to be lying down.
The leg feels fine.
Besides, I got this little hospital to run.
Oh, darn it! Captain Pierce and Hunnicutt says you gotta stay off your "blaphitist.
" I am off it.
Shoo.
No, sir, sir.
I won't shoo, sir.
Look, I don't care that you don't care that I care but I do care whether you care or not, and that goes for everybody in this camp.
- Radar, pack up all your cares and go.
- Not until you go first.
Captain Pierce says your leg is sick and if you don't go to bed, it's gonna get sicker.
Aw, poop on Pierce.
He worries like a mother hen.
I know this place, and if I'm not here, things don't get done.
They've already been done, sir.
I signed tomorrow's forms yesterday.
- We got till next week till we're even.
- Can you do surgery too? No, but Captain Simmons can and he's great.
He even showed up Major Winchester.
Radar, Captain Simmons isn't here anymore.
I know, but he's just over at the 8063rd.
That's just a couple of minutes away by chopper.
I'm telling you, sir.
We just don't need you.
- You don't? - Not at all.
Everybody says Captain Simmons is as good as anybody here.
- They do, huh? - Uh-huh.
I never saw the O.
R.
Go smoother.
- They do, huh? - Uh-huh.
I never saw the O.
R.
Go smoother.
Now come on, sir.
Let's get to bed, huh? All right, Radar.
But you'll have to help me.
The old leg is hurtin' real bad.
Oh, boy.
- Ooh! Oooh! Wow! - Oh, boy.
- I was hopin' a towel around it would help - [Radar.]
I'll get you some water.
- Good reading? - Yeah, kinda interesting.
It should be.
It's 6:00 in the morning.
What is it? Lady Chatterly Visits Boys' Town? Almost.
It's the latest issue of Medical Dialogue.
I'll save you the trouble.
I know how it ends.
Peter Pancreas marries the Princess Pelvis.
They have a couple of kidneys, and they all liver happily ever after.
You may be right.
I'll look it up in the appendix.
Why the crash course? You've already got the job.
It doesn't hurt to keep up.
It's easy to fall behind out here.
Ah-ha-ha, the boy surgeon got to you, didn't he? Just scared the hell out of me, that's all.
So he's younger than us, so he's up on all the latest developments so I get the book after you.
[Grunts.]
Ah! Rosenose.
Welcome to Skid Row.
Twenty cents a night, D.
T.
S included.
Give him the binge rate.
That's the third night he's come in this way.
- Price.
Honeycomb.
- The rummy speaks.
Ruined by a little twerp surgeon.
- Here we go again.
- My life is going up in smoke.
It will if you don't stop breathing on that stove.
Brilliant career shot to smitheroons.
That potter's fault.
First he keeps me here until my talents "aptrophy" and then he sends little Bobby Shafto to come here and humil-in-mate me.
But I'll get even with him.
Some day, he'll be older than I am, and then I'll show him up.
He couldn't even walk a crooked line.
It's all over.
It is all over.
As long as it's not all over my bed.
Aw, what? Aw, aw! I could have been one of the top 10 surgeons in the world.
- Come on.
- Now I'm dirt.
Oh, now I'm dead.
Charles, you're a talented, gifted, drunken surgeon.
Go to bed.
- Come on, come on.
- I am in bed.
Come with Daddy.
Here.
Come to Daddy.
Huh? Oh, ohhh, uh-oh.
- Whirlies.
- Out! Get him out! - Where are we going? - The shower.
We better run.
- [Knocking.]
- Come in, Radar.
Morning, sir.
How'd you know it was me? You're the only one who knocks.
- Time to get up.
- For what? This is your first walk.
Don't you remember? The doctors said after a couple of days you could take yourself to breakfast and back.
- I ain't hungry.
- Ah, yeah, but, sir, they got Wheatena today and it's warm and everything.
- But ya gotta hurry.
- Then just have 'em send a bowl over.
Colonel, listen, uh, you gotta use your leg, you know otherwise it won't get useful again.
Besides, you know, uh, the swelling's gone down and the more you walk on it, the littler swelling there'll be.
- Don't you want to get well? - Thank you, son.
If I need you, I'll ring.
Yes, sir.
Are you sure, sir? Look, Radar, the gam's still tender things around here are going smooth without me and like you keep saying, there's always Captain Simmons, isn't there? Well, sure, but Then let me get back to Zane Grey before the outlaws do.
Well, listen, Colonel, I don't mean to pull rank on you, especially since I can't - but, uh, as a friend - Appreciate it, son.
Yes, sir.
[Door Closes.]
Come on, Charles, one more sip.
This time in your mouth.
Here we go, here we go.
There.
Very good.
It's too late for coffee.
Just a cigarette and a firing squad, please.
We're never gonna get it down him.
We'll have to dump him in the urn.
What a good idea.
I can drown in there.
- Is that Charles? - It was.
- Nothing personal, Margaret.
He's really glad to see you.
- Yeah, all six of me.
Charles, it's okay that you're not the smartest kid in class anymore.
Simmons, Simmons, Simmons.
What a rotten name for a doctor.
Uh, can I talk to all you sirs for a minute? Another kid.
Get away, boy, you bother me.
Listen, I'm really worried about Colonel Potter.
He won't get up.
- Why not? - Well, he says his leg still hurts, but that's not it.
- Then what is it, Doc? - Well, I don't know.
He's just not himself, you know.
He's acting like a gloomy Gus and-and he won't move around or talk or nothin', and when I say to get up, he says "What's the diff? Captain Simmons can do all my stuff anyway.
" Ahhhh, that name! Boy, this Simmons-itis is some disease.
It makes an invalid out of one guy and a drunk out of the other.
- One of us should go cheer him up.
- How about Charles? - I'll go.
- Good.
You sure smell better.
- Is there anything I can do for you, Major? - Yes, there is.
Scram, peewee! - [Knocking.]
- Yes, Radar.
- Pardon me, sir, are you the gentleman of the house? - I'm reading.
I'm Klinger.
Pleased to meet you.
Don't get up, stay right where you are.
What I've got to show you you can see from the privacy of your own bed.
- Aluminum siding.
- Klinger, I'm not buying it.
You don't have to, sir.
If you'll just allow us to use your spacious home as a model the Toledo Siding Company will side your entire home absolutely free with no obligation to you and the little missus.
All you do is allow me to bring in a few prospective customers to view your new lightweight castle.
Klinger, this one isn't even good enough for a 4-H Club skit.
I understand perfectly, my good man.
No siding.
Okay, let's talk simulated wood shingle.
You're nuts if you think this is gonna make me think you're nuts.
- No nuts, not even a bolt.
We laminate it right on.
- [Knocking.]
I hope that's the police.
Come in.
Ah, the missus.
You lucky dog.
Klinger, are you pestering the colonel now? At 5:00 this morning, he tried to sell me deep-pile carpeting.
It's wise to reconsider.
I still got a few feet left.
- So have I.
Get out of here.
- Sir? You heard the missus.
Blow.
Boy, just when you're about to close a deal, the other half walks in.
- Colonel, what are you doing in bed? - Now don't you start.
Can I have my samples, folks? I got a couple of hot prospects next door.
Newlyweds.
- Will you get out of here? - [Clattering On Floor.]
See that? You can't hurt these little wonders.
Now, as for you, why the mopes? Margaret, I'll tell you this once.
My leg hurts, it needs some bed rest, and I'm entitled.
No one's arguing with that.
But you've been in here for two days and you know as well as I do that you've gotta get up and move around.
- Suppose I don't feel like it? - Colonel, you're no special case here.
There's work to do, and it's time you started doing it.
- Why? It's getting done without me.
- That's a lousy excuse, sir.
I mean, what if everybody around here felt and did what you're doing? Nothing would ever get done.
All right, Margaret, you made your point.
I'll pull myself up.
- Attaboy.
- This afternoon.
Now! Come on, all right.
That's right, go ahead, fight with me! - At least it'll get your circulation going.
- Now, Margaret, stop it! [Man On p.
A.
.]
Attention all personnel, incoming wounded.
- Roll out the welcome mat.
- Now you've got no choice.
I was just leaving.
- [B.
J.
.]
Will you look at this? - [Charles.]
Wonderful.
It's true what they say.
Even the great ones put their pants on one arm at a time.
It's gonna make a nice hat.
Gentlemen, I forgive all your insults if you will only remove my head.
- Good morning, people.
- Ah, must be spring.
The big bird has returned to Capistrano.
- How's the leg, Colonel? - It's holding me up.
What's holding you up? Get goin'! Amazing how a smiling face lights up a room.
Let me warn you, Pierce.
I'm nobody's sweetheart today.
- Aha.
I think I'll scrub up.
- Good idea before surgery.
Colonel, I'm glad you could make it, because I'm going to have to be relieved.
I'm in no condition to operate.
Well, that makes two of us.
Since misery loves company, we're both goin' in there.
Colonel, that is not fair.
With you here, there are enough surgeons to handle the load and, frankly, I'm quite indisposed.
- I don't want to hear it, Major.
- Oh, it's fine when you're lounging around but if anyone else is a little under the weather, it's tough cookies, huh? Winchester, I'm sick of you.
Ever since you set foot in this place, you've done nothing but whimper and whine.
It's not my fault this war interrupted your Park Avenue career.
For all your griping, you're just not worth it.
Nobody's that good.
How dare you! I've worked my butt off in this hellhole and at no time have I ever shirked my responsibilities or fallen short of any reasonable request.
I'm a damn good surgeon! And look who's talking, if you please, Colonel Slugabed.
You can't stand up in surgery, much less fill my shoes! I'll put my bum leg against your fat head any day! You're no match for me in anything! I can drink you under the table and out-operate you over the table! - Hah! - Hah! Hah! - I wouldn't let you close for me! - Just get in there! - With pleasure! - We'll see who can take it! [Both Groaning.]
Done.
My 50th splenectomy.
That makes me an ace.
- Free hands here.
- [Charles.]
I'm fine, thank you.
- [Potter.]
Who isn't? - [BJ.
.]
I'm not proud.
Help.
! Need some gloving here.
I need all the gloving I can get.
- [Charles.]
Three-oh silk.
- Three-oh silk.
- Uhh, Margaret, how long have we been in here? - A little over six hours.
I don't want to look.
How's Potter really holding up? Rocky Gibraltar is doing just fine.
Oh, of course he is.
I have to hand it to the old boy.
If his leg hurts half as much as my head, I'm surprised he's still alive.
Don't tell me, tell him.
Close for me, will you, Margaret? Thank you.
- [BJ.
.]
Retract that a little bit.
- Uh, Colonel at the risk of sounding maudlin, I apparently underestimated your stamina.
Frankly, you're as good as I am.
Thank you, Winchester.
Nice of you to say so.
Clamp.
- Uh, Colonel? - Yes? - I meant that sincerely.
- I know you did.
Isn't there anything you have to say to me? Yeah.
Get back to work.
Uh, Colonel, I'm sorry to interrupt your feeling better but there's a Mr.
Klinger here to see you? - Thank you, son.
Send it in.
- Right.
- Mr.
Klinger? - Mr.
Potter, you wanted to see me? Come in, Klinger.
Sit down.
Thanks! Boy, did you see 'em tearing down the Rivoli Theater this morning? I hear they're gonna replace it with a three-story high-rise.
All right, enough of this palaver.
I got your Section Eight paperwork right here.
What am I doing in Section Eight? I thought I was working on the roof.
Klinger, you've convinced me.
At first I thought all this not believing you're in the army was just another scam.
- But you really think you're in Toledo, don't you? - Don't you? Okay.
Let's get to it.
I just want to check the facts before I send your paperwork on to H.
Q.
I don't understand what you're talking about, but you're the foreman.
- Okay, name Max Klinger.
- Right.
That's with one "X.
" - Got it.
Place of birth? - Toledo, Ohio.
- Fine.
Mother's maiden name? - Abodeely.
That's with two "E's.
" - Social Security number? - 556-78-2613.
- Rank? - Corporal.
Aha! Gotcha, soldier!