The X-Files s07e19 Episode Script
Hollywood A.D.
-[ Gunfi're .]
- [ Grunts .]
- [ Groans .]
-[ Man .]
Give it up, Mulder! - You've got no chance! - Damn it.
My sniper zombies are everywhere.
[ Grunting .]
I'll offer you a deal.
You give me the Lazarus Bowl, and I'll give you Scully.
Mulder! How 'bout this deal? You give me Scully, I don't smash the Lazarus Bowl and shove the pieces where the Son of God don't shine, you cigarette-smoking mackerel snapper.
l break the Lazarus Bowl, and all your sniper zombies go back to being good little well-behaved corpses.
[ Grunting .]
You don't fool me, Mulder.
That bowl is your Holy Grail.
Encoded in its ancient ceramic grooves are the words Jesus spake when he raised Lazarus from the dead.
Still capable of raising the dead 2,000 years later.
Proof positive of the paranormal.
You can no sooner destroy that than let the redhead die.
Come on, man.
Don't break the bowl.
We don't wanna go back to being dead.
There's no food, no women, no dancing.
Save the bowl, and we'll dump that ciggy-smoking stooge for you.
And you'll be the new king of the dead.
I'd rather serve in heaven than rule in hell.
[ Both Grunting .]
[ Both Panting .]
Is that your flashlight, Mulder, or are you just happy to be lying on top of me? - [ Scattered Laughter.]
- My flashlight.
- ## [ Soft .]
- [ Panting .]
- [ Moans .]
- Oh, that.
[ Laughter.]
For seven long years I've been waiting for just the right moment, Scully.
Oh, you're a sick man, Mulder.
Go on.
l love you, Scully.
No ifs, ands or-- ''Bs.
'' [ Groans .]
[ Kissing Continues .]
Yesterday a small pipe bomb ripped through the crypt of Christ's Church here in D.
C.
There were no casualties, no thefts, no note making any demand.
- Who's taking credit for it? - Nobody.
She:Jodie Foster's foster child on a Payless budget.
He's like a Jehovah's Witness meets Harrison Ford's witness.
Uh, Christ's Church.
Isn't that Cardinal O'Fallon's church? Yes, O'Fallon's residence is adjacent to the crypt.
- Who's Cardinal O'Fallon? - Cardinal ''O'Fallen'' perhaps.
Um, he's one of the most powerful men in the Church today.
His name often comes up as a possibility for the first American pope.
-[ Cell Phone Ringing .]
- Oh.
I don't wanna be myopic, but this looks like a straight-up terrorist act for the A.
T.
F.
- ''Myopic.
'' -[ Cell Phone Ringing .]
Yes, it does.
-[ Ringing Continues .]
- Are you gonna answer your phone? - Me? - Yeah.
I didn't wanna be rude.
- Sir, who the hell is this guy? - Hello.
This is Wayne Federman.
He's an old buddy of mine from college.
He's a writer out in Hollywood now and he's working on a F.
B.
I.
-based movie.
- He's asked me to give him access.
- A screenwriter? It's actually writerlproducer.
That's actually just a hindrancelpain in the neck.
Yo,yo,yo.
Agent Mulder, l don't wanna eat your lunch.
I'm just here for some procedural flavor.
Just a taste.
I have no idea what you just said.
Well, the Skin man's filled me in on your particular bent.
He said that you come at things maybe a little farkatke, a little Star Trekkie, which is the exact vibe I'm looking for for this thing I'm doing.
It's a Silence of the Lambs meets Greatest Story Ever Told type thing.
It's beautiful and I will not be in your way.
I'll be strictly Heisenbergian.
A hologram.
Agent Mulder, Mr.
Federman will accompany you today to Christ's Church where he will act as an observer on this case.
You will extend to him every courtesy and protection you would a friend of the bureau's.
Agent Scully, I require your services here for the morning.
[ Laughs .]
Sir, have I pissed you off in a way that's more than normal? -ust curious if she's more than your partner.
- Enough, Wayne.
Hey, whatever.
[ Bells Chiming .]
Cardinal O'Fallon, can you think of anyone who might make an attempt on your life? The Church always has enemies, Agent Mulder.
The size of the bomb would have limited its destruction to just the crypt itself.
- Is there anything down there worth targeting? - Not really.
Just some old bones, artifacts, relics, documents that we store down there in the cold.
I like to think of it as God's refrigerator.
- That's a great line.
- Thank you.
- God's refrigerator.
- Wayne, shut up.
[ O'Fallon .]
No treasures to the outside world.
Things of negligible monetary value, but great spiritual value to the Church-- ancient devotional texts, medieval relics.
How 'bout the Shroud ofTurin? No, I'm afraid not.
But we do have the bathrobe of St.
Peter.
- You're kidding? - Yes, I am.
- That's a good line.
- Thank you.
Wayne, shut up.
who comes down to the crypt here? Only myself.
A half a mile of catacombs here.
I like to walk here during lunch.
That's where the bomb went off.
Well, my instinct, Cardinal, is to see this desecration of the dead less as a murder attempt and more as a terrorist act.
-[ Cell Phone Ringing .]
- A message-- - Uh, this isn't me.
I think it's you.
-[ Ringing Continues .]
Excuse me.
That's, uh-- That's not me.
Let me check.
Not me.
We never get reception here.
[ Ringing Continues .]
[ Ringing Continues .]
Would that be St.
Jude's cell phone, Cardinal? No.
That's Micah Hoffman.
[ Ringing Stops .]
Micah Hoffman, Willie Mays and Frank Serpico.
That's my holy trinity, Scully.
Of course I'm too young to remember, but wasn't he some kind of a '60s campus radical like a Jerry Rubin or a Mario Savio? Name a '60s counterculture movement and Micah Hoffman was at or near the center of it.
He was one of the original Weathermen.
He was the first Yippie.
He was a better poet than Ginsberg.
And he was also the starting shortstop for his Columbia baseball team.
- Then in the '7 0s, didn't he go real low profile? - Right after Altamont.
- He was never heard from again.
- The Stones get blamed for everything.
- I don't get it.
- This should be it here.
What did Skinner want you for this morning? Just paperwork.
Mm-hmm.
- Mulder, we should have a warrant.
- lt's only the Constitution.
No big deal.
- Wow.
- ''Dis-Feng-Shui.
'' Mulder, sorry to denigrate a third of your trinity, but it looks like Hoffman was killed by one of his own bombs.
Well, from Dharma Bum to Dharma Bomb.
[ Mulder .]
l knew Hoffman was a master potter.
Well, it appears he was a master calligrapher as well.
Look, Mulder, we've got gum arabic and sodium hydroxide here.
Whew! These would be used to, uh-- to age the ink and the paper prematurely.
It's a forger's trick.
Well, from counterculture to counterfeiter.
All right, one more pun and I pull out my gun.
Scully, look at that.
''Cristos.
'' Looks like a religious text.
Can you read Greek at all? Well, it's pretty rusty.
But it looks like some kind of lost gospel.
A gospel of Mary Magdalene.
And ''An Account of Christ's Life on Earth After the Resurrection.
'' - After? - Yeah.
It's a heretical text, Mulder.
Mythical I should say, but long rumored to be in existence.
What would Micah Hoffman be doing with heretical religious texts? I think the question is, what would Hoffman be doing forging them? Ay-yi-yi.
I think the real question, Agents, is what might O'Fallon be doing with Hoffman's forgeries? You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.
Don't shoot! I like the way you guys work-- no warrants, no permission, no research.
You're like studio executives with guns.
Should l call you Agent Mulder or Mr.
Mulder - or do you have a nickname or something like that? - Shh, shh! [ Rattling .]
Like Skin man? Just ignore me.
What's that? Looks like the same Gospel of Mary Scully l.
D.
'd over at Hoffman's place.
So, is this a forgery or is this the real thing? Well, there is no real Gospel of Mary, Federman.
The original would be a fake.
All right.
So is this a real fake or a fake fake? -[ Cell Phone Ringing .]
- [ Gasps .]
It's me.
Yes? Nothing new.
No, I can hear you.
lt's just your voice is-- There's like a crackly sound and then I hear the syllables.
-Stop yelling.
Yelling isn't helping the situation.
- Hmm.
lust talk.
You're breaking up.
No.
Let me call you back.
Okay.
Yeah, I'm telling you.
I'm going through a crypt.
Wow.
Oh, my God.
[ Scully .]
Now, wayne, l'm sure that it was dark in there and that your eyes were playing tricks on you.
And you've been influenced by ghost stories and horror movies that take place in crypts and graveyards.
And you hallucinated this vision of these dancing bones trying to reconstruct this bowl.
No, I didn't hallucinate.
That was mechanical or C.
G.
I.
Federman, that wasn't a movie.
That was real life.
The difference being? Well, I have got my flavor here.
- So, I appreciate all your help.
I've got a movie to write.
- You're leaving? - You don't wanna get to the bottom of this? - Not especially.
Well, you know, sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction.
Well, fiction is quicker than truth and cheaper.
You want my advice? You're both crazy.
Why do you say that? Well, you're crazy for believing what you believe and you're crazy for not believing what he believes.
I'll leave you with that.
Thank you.
I miss him already.
You know, Mulder, I know that Federman's B.
S.
ing you.
So I'm really hesitant to mention this.
But, um, his story reminds me of the Lazarus Bowl.
The Lazarus Bowl? We had this wacky nun in Catholic school-- Sister Callahan.
We used to call her Sr.
Spooky 'cause she would tell us scary stories all the time.
Twisted Sister.
That's my kind of nun, you know.
Well, she would hold up an old piece of wood with a rusty nail in it.
And she would say, ''This is an actual piece of the cross Christ's wrist was nailed to.
'' Or she'd show us a vial of red liquid and say that it was John the Baptist's blood or something.
She'd be in prison today.
You realize that? Well, she would tell this story of when Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead.
And she said that there was this old woman who was Lazarus's aunt or something, - Lazarus's aunt? - who was spinning a clay bowl on a wheel nearby.
And that Christ's words, the actual incantation to raise the dead, were recorded in the clay grooves of the pottery just like the way music is recorded into vinyl.
You see? It's just not true you can't get good science at Catholic school.
It's a lie.
Well, Sr.
Spooky says that these words in the clay still have the power to raise the dead just likeJesus raised Lazarus.
That is a very cool story coming from you, Scully.
l'll have Chuck Burks meet you over at my office.
See if this clay has Christ's greatest hits on it.
And I'm gonna-- I'm gonna go have another audience with Cardinal O'Fallon.
[ Machine Humming .]
There's music in the air, Agent Scully.
See, everything that exists vibrates, and therefore sings-- the street, your internal organs, electricity, everything.
Here, I'll show you.
You see? This is my voice bouncing around in the red here.
And all this yellow is ambient sound that we habitually tune out.
It's the hum of my hardware, Mulder's porn tapes on pause, sounds from the street.
Everything we hear but we don't know we hear l can hear it with this machine.
Oh.
What is it? ## [ Indistinct Choral .]
Who made this? We're not sure.
Either a forger by the name of Micah Hoffman or, uh, someone else in the vicinity ofJesus Christ.
''Buzzinga.
'' Whoever did it is some kind of a musical genius.
This clay is vibrating in all the keys at once.
lt's heavenly.
[ Mulder.]
Can you translate what it says there for me, please? Did you recover them from the crypt? Yes.
''And then Jesus took his beloved Mary Magdalene in an embrace.
''An embrace not of God and woman, but of man and woman.
''And Jesus said to Mary, 'Love the body '''for it is all of the soul that our senses can perceive.
''' And how about these? These appear to be copies of the original.
- Rough drafts.
- How? They're all forgeries, sir.
Did you buy these from Micah Hoffman? I thought they were real.
Yeah, I can understand that.
Hoffman was a master.
My partner had them analyzed, and they're indistinguishable from the real thing.
The paper is authentic, the ink, the hand, the diction, everything.
Hoffman was also an explosives expert.
Do you have any idea what he might have been doing with a bomb in the crypt? Can you think of anybody who might have wanted to kill Micah Hoffman? No.
Why were you hiding the documents, sir? When Micah came to me with these, as I then thought ancient texts, and our experts verified them, it exploded a bomb in my heart.
The Christ that I loved was not the Christ in these texts.
So you bought them in order to hide them.
To keep others from feeling the despair and the anger that I felt.
To protect people from what I can now see they needed no protection from.
Why didn't you just destroy the documents yourself? I thought they were real.
I hated them.
I despised them.
I would have liked to destroy them, but I couldn't.
Is being made a fool of a crime, Agent Mulder? I'd be doing life if it were, sir.
- [ Ringing .]
- Scully.
[ Mulder.]
Hey, Scully, it's me.
Can you horn in on the Hoffman autopsy for me? - Why? - I got a feeling Hoffman was dead before he died.
He was blackmailing O'Fallon with those forgeries.
Maybe O'Fallon retaliated.
Mulder, this bowl-- Your buddy Chuck Burks says that it has properties he's never seen before.
-[ Line Beeps .]
-Hold on a second.
That's my other line.
- Mulder.
- [ Federman .]
Agent Mulder? It's WaynelFederman out in L.
A.
- I can't talk about the case.
- That's all right.
Skin man's keeping me in the loop.
Listen.
Who do you see playing you in the movie? - I'm in the movie? - It's a character loosely based on you.
- It's more of an amalgamation.
- Hold on a second, Wayne.
- Sr.
Spooky, I gotta take this.
- I'll call you after the autopsy.
Thanks.
- How 'bout Richard Gere? - [ Laughing Hysterically .]
Yeah, okay.
Seriously.
What if I said to you the name Garry Shandling? Wayne, you're breaking up.
It sounded like you said Garry Shandling.
Garry Shandling signed on to play the amalgamation loosely based on you.
And Tea Leoni's playing the amalgamation loosely based on your partner.
You stud.
The movie's called The Lazarus Bowl.
-How do you know about the Lazarus Bowl? -The Skin man.
Listen, Shandling and Leoni wanna meet you guys.
Get your flavor.
It's an actor type thing.
Come on out to the studio on our dime.
We'll make it nice.
Hey, who's-- Well, then who's gonna play Skinner in the movie? - Richard Gere.
- [ Stammering .]
Fracturing of skull and surface abrasions initially consistent with concussive force injuries.
I am, uh, now weighing the heart which is relatively normal, although somewhat large.
- I'm gonna need that when you're done with it.
- [ Gasps .]
Oh, my God! Hoo-yeah! - Who are you? - I am who I am.
Uh-uh.
[ Speaking Latin .]
Ow! Damn it! What'd you find, Scully? In Micah Hoffman's stomach there were traces of red wine and strychnine.
Man, oh, Manischewitz.
Communion wine I bet.
I bet O'Fallon poisoned Hoffman, then placed his body near the explosion to cover his tracks.
That's possible, Mulder.
I could get a warrant for O'Fallon.
[ O'Fallon .]
You are the one God, living and true.
Through all eternity you live an unapproachable life.
Mulder, let's allow the man some dignity, okay? You fill your creatures with every blessing and lead all men to the joyful vision of your life.
In our joy, we sing to your glory with all the choirs of angels.
Holy, holy, holy Lord.
God of power and might.
Heaven and earth are full of your glory.
Hosanna in the highest.
Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord.
Hosanna in the highest.
[ Speaks Latin .]
Lordesus Christ, you said to your apostles, ''l leave you in peace.
My peace l give you.
'' Let's get this over with.
And grant us the peace and unity of your kingdom.
Amen.
Augustine O'Fallon, you're under arrest for the murder of Micah Hoffman.
- You have the right to remain silent.
- Oh, my God.
- Anything you say can and will be used against you in-- - Mulder.
Do you see what I see? Yes, I do.
-[ Scully .]
ls that Micah Hoffman? -[ O'Fallon .]
Yes, it is.
Misidentification of a corpse and subsequent unrequested autopsy.
Sir, the dead man looked very much like Micah Hoffman.
He had Hoffman's I.
D.
on him.
Agent Scully, if I'm carrying Marilyn Monroe's purse, do you assume that I slept with J.
F.
K.
? Agent Mulder, the F.
B.
l.
has always prided itself with the speedy expedition of cases.
But this is the first time, and I hope you're as proud of this as I am, that we've ever attempted to pursue a murder case where the victim was still alive! A bomb went off.
A crime's been committed.
There's a dead body nobody seems to give a damn about.
O'Fallon's been less than forthcoming.
And Hoffman at the very least is guilty of forgery and extortion.
Agent Mulder, you will leave O'Fallon alone.
You will leave Hoffman alone! Agent Scully, you'll put your trigger-happy scalpel away! Best case scenario, you get to keep your jobs.
Worst case, O'Fallon and the Church bring a huge embarrassing lawsuit against the bureau which will feature you two as the sacrificial lambs! As of right now, I'm forcing you to take a four-week leave, effective immediately pending review.
I think this whole Richard Gere thing is going to Skinner's head.
- We're off this case, Mulder.
-[ Burks .]
Compadres.
I teased out something very fabulous from your pottery there.
- Layered in under the ambience-- - [ Voice Speaking .]
There.
Guess what language that is.
- Chuck, I've had a bad day.
- It's a dead language.
I had a linguist in here to listen to the recording.
It's Aramaic.
That's the language that Christ spoke.
Did your, uh, linguist happen to translate it? Yes, he did.
It's in two parts.
The first part, here, roughly translates as, ''I am the walrus.
I am the walrus.
Paul is dead.
Goo goo g'joob.
'' Although there is no Aramaic word for walrus.
So it literally says, ''I am the bearded cow-like sea beast.
'' - What's the second part? - The second part's a little freakier.
Here.
- What is it? - It appears to be one man commanding another to rise from the dead.
[ Voice Continues .]
Lazarus? I am becomeJesus Christ.
I am become skeptical.
There I was totally bumming after Altamont.
And I thought, throw in the towel and go to law school or continue to fight and become a forger of scandalous religious documents.
I suppose that's a choice every young, gifted, American male is faced with.
I knew O'Fallon from college.
- He was a divinity professor of mine.
-At Columbia? Yeah.
And he is a decent man, but with an overweening pride and sense of responsibility born of a fundamental lack of respect for the human animal.
He believes in God, but not in man and man's ability to choose to live in freedom.
He has Christ in his brain, but not in his heart.
[ Scoffs .]
So, uh, you created a Christ in these forgeries that was more suited to your particular world view? Yeah, but before I could write like Christ, I had to become him, in much the same way I imagine an actor who plays a part becomes that part.
So I immersed myself in Jesus Christ.
Not just the Church and teachings, but the man, the custom of his time, the language, the vibe, the feeling of Christ.
So why didn't O'Fallon and the elders go outside the Church for authentification? Because the forgeries are too damning of the Church.
They couldn't risk the exposure.
But then something truly weird came over me.
Remorse? Conversion, Agent Scully.
The lightning bolt that transformed Saul to Paul on the road to Damascus.
One day, I was not just impersonating Jesus Christ, I had become him.
That's why I blew up the crypt.
The forgeries were blasphemous and needed to be destroyed.
How did your cell phone get on the dead man in the crypt? God works in mysterious ways.
God works in mysterious ways.
[ Speaking Along With TV.]
Well, as long as they can think, we'll have our problems.
But those whom they are using cannot think.
They are the dead brought to assimilate life by our electrode attempts.
-[ Knocking .]
- It's open! You know, it's an interesting thing when you consider you Earth people who can think are so frightened by those who cannot-- the dead.
Couldn't sleep either, huh? - Plan g from Outer Space ? - Yeah.
It's the Ed Wood investigative method.
This movie is so profoundly bad in such a childlike way that it hypnotizes my conscious critical mind and frees up my right brain to make socio-poetic leaps.
And I started flashing on Hoffman and O'Fallon.
How there's this archetypal relationship.
Like Hoffman's Jesus to O'Fallon's Judas.
Or Hoffman's Jesus to O'Fallon's Dostoyevsky's grand inquisitor.
Or Hoffman's Jesus to O'Fallon's St.
Paul.
How 'bout Hoffman's Roadrunner to O'Fallon's Wile E.
Coyote? - Mulder? - Yeah? Do you think it's at all possible that Hoffman is reallyJesus Christ? Are you making fun of me? No.
Well, no, I don't.
But crazy people can be very persuasive.
Well, yes, I know that.
Maybe true faith is really a form of insanity.
- Are you directing that at me? - No! I'm directing it at myself and at Ed Wood.
Well, you know, even a broken clock is right 730 times a year.
- How-- - Forty-two.
- You've seen this movie 42 times? - Yes.
Doesn't that make you sad? It makes me sad.
- You ever been to Hollywood? - A couple of times a few years ago.
You're going to be there in the morning.
Just a few minutes from Hollywood in the town of San Fernando.
Reports have come in of saucers flying so low-- You know, Scully, we've got four-weeks probation vacation and nothing to do.
And Wayne Federman's invited us out to L.
A.
to watch his movie being filmed.
And God knows I could use a little sunshine.
Scully? [ Scully .]
California, here we come.
- [ Bell Rings .]
- [ Man .]
Beep, beep.
Agents? So glad you could hang.
Come on.
I want you to meet the people that are gonna play you.
- Garry Shandling, Tea Leoni, this is Agents Mulder and Scully.
- It's a pleasure.
- Nice to meet you.
Big fan.
Fox Mulder.
- No kidding? You know, while I've got you here, maybe, uh-- maybe you could show me how to run in these things.
Right over here I was thinking 'cause, I tell you-- I mean, I'm having a hell of a time with these heels.
- Hey, uh-- - Hi.
How are you? Seriously, listen.
Can I ask you something? - Sure.
- Do you dress to the left or to the right? What-- What do you mean? [ Clears Throat .]
Look, when I play a character, I need to find his center, his sort of rudder, so to say.
And then everything comes from that.
Uh-- I guess mostly to the left.
Mostly? Most of the time.
Most of the time to the left.
Mm-hmm.
Wardrobe! -[ Bell Ringing .]
-[ Man .]
Rolling! And ''rollando.
'' Come on, now.
Kick it in the ass.
And action, zombies! - [ Screaming .]
- What is this? -[ Director .]
Cut.
Go ahead, ruin my career.
- What seems to be the problem? What the hell is this? What the hell's in my mouth? What is Tea Leoni's shoulder made out of? Craft services, what is Tea Leoni's shoulder made of?.
- Turkey,just like you asked for.
- Turkey.
-Miss Leoni's shoulder's made of turkey.
-Tofu turkey! Tofurkey! I asked for Tofurkey! I'm a vegetarian! Half the zombies are vegetarians! Oh, my God! The people are made out of turkey.
-[ Mulder .]
Hello? - Mulder, it's me.
What are you doing? I'm, uh, working at the computer.
What are you doing? I'm, uh, packing.
Just getting ready for our trip back to D.
C.
tomorrow.
Scully, I was just thinking about Lazarus, Ed Wood and those Tofurkey-eatin' zombies.
How come when people come back from the dead, they always wanna hurt the living? Well, that's because people can't really come back from the dead, Mulder.
Ghosts and zombies are just projections of our own repressed cannibalistic and sexual fears and desires.
They are who we fear that we are at heart.
Just mindless automatons who can only kill and eat.
Party pooper.
Well, I got a new theory.
I say that when zombies try to eat people, that's just the first stage.
They've just come back from being dead, so they're gonna do all the things they missed.
So first they're gonna eat, then they're gonna drink.
Then they're gonna dance and make love.
Oh, I see.
So it's just that we never get to stay with them long enough to see the gentler side of the undead.
- Exactly.
- [ Line Beeps .]
Hold on a second.
That's my other line.
Hello? Agent Mulder, it's Assistant Director Skinner.
I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time.
No, sir.
I'm just at the computer.
I wanted to apologize for coming down so hard on you during the HoffmanlO'Fallon case.
Oh.
I appreciate that, Skin man.
- Don't call me that.
- Yes, sir.
- Um, where are you now? - I'm right underneath you.
I'm in L.
A.
at the same hotel as you, right below you and Agent Scully.
Federman got me an associate producer credit on the movie.
A.
P.
Skinner, huh? Uh, so what are you up to right now, sir? I'm taking a bubble bath.
Uh, hold on just one second, sir.
Hey, Scully, Skin man is calling me from a bubble bath.
It's still me, Mulder.
Uh, sorry.
Just-Just hold on one second, sir.
- Scully? - Yeah.
Skinner is calling me from a bubble bath.
Wow.
He's really gone Hollywood.
- Totally.
- You know, Mulder, speaking of Hollywood, I think that Tea Leoni has a little crush on you.
Oh, yeah, right.
Like Tea Leoni's ever gonna have a crush on me.
I think that Shandling likes you a bit too.
Really? I love you, Scully.
- No, ifs, ands or-- - ''Bs.
'' [ Leoni .]
wait.
wait, Mulder.
l can't.
[ Shandling .]
l know this feels wrong because we're friends and we treat each other as equals, but-- No.
No, it's not that.
It's not that.
Well, what then? I'm in love with Assistant Director Walter Skinner.
- That's it, Scully.
I just can't take it anymore.
- Shh, Mulder.
Sit down.
- what does he have that l don't have? -A bigger flashlight.
[ Laughter.]
I've been looking all over for you.
They got it so wrong, Scully.
I got a page from the Washington bureau.
Micah Hoffman was murdered tonight.
Murdered in his own home by Cardinal O'Fallon, who then hanged himself.
A murderlsuicide.
It's Jesus and Judas, Scully.
Well, it's all over now.
No, no.
It's just beginning.
Hoffman and O'Fallon were these complicated, flawed, beautiful people.
And now they'll just be remembered as jokes because of this movie.
The character based on O'Fallon is listed in the credits as ''Cigarette-Smoking Pontiff.
'' How silly is that? - Pretty silly.
- And what about us? How are we gonna be remembered now because of this movie? Well, hopefully the movie will tank.
What about all the dead people who are forever silent and can't tell their stories anymore? They're all gonna have to rely on Hollywood to show the future how we lived.
And it'll all become oversimplified and trivialized and Cigarette-Smoking ''Pontificized'' and become as plastic and meaningless as this stupid plastic Lazarus Bowl.
I think the dead are beyond caring what people think about them.
Hopefully we can adopt the same attitude.
You do know that there aren't real dead people out there, right? That this is a movie set? -[ Chuckles .]
- The dead are everywhere, Scully.
Well, we're alive.
And we're relatively young.
- And Skinner was so tickled by the movie - I bet he was.
that he has given us a bureau credit card to use for the evening.
Come on.
Mulder, I have something to confess.
- What's that? - I'm in love with Associate Producer Walter Skinner.
[ Both Laugh .]
Ah, me too.
[ Static Humming .]
## [ Slow Samba .]
[ Child .]
l made this!
- [ Grunts .]
- [ Groans .]
-[ Man .]
Give it up, Mulder! - You've got no chance! - Damn it.
My sniper zombies are everywhere.
[ Grunting .]
I'll offer you a deal.
You give me the Lazarus Bowl, and I'll give you Scully.
Mulder! How 'bout this deal? You give me Scully, I don't smash the Lazarus Bowl and shove the pieces where the Son of God don't shine, you cigarette-smoking mackerel snapper.
l break the Lazarus Bowl, and all your sniper zombies go back to being good little well-behaved corpses.
[ Grunting .]
You don't fool me, Mulder.
That bowl is your Holy Grail.
Encoded in its ancient ceramic grooves are the words Jesus spake when he raised Lazarus from the dead.
Still capable of raising the dead 2,000 years later.
Proof positive of the paranormal.
You can no sooner destroy that than let the redhead die.
Come on, man.
Don't break the bowl.
We don't wanna go back to being dead.
There's no food, no women, no dancing.
Save the bowl, and we'll dump that ciggy-smoking stooge for you.
And you'll be the new king of the dead.
I'd rather serve in heaven than rule in hell.
[ Both Grunting .]
[ Both Panting .]
Is that your flashlight, Mulder, or are you just happy to be lying on top of me? - [ Scattered Laughter.]
- My flashlight.
- ## [ Soft .]
- [ Panting .]
- [ Moans .]
- Oh, that.
[ Laughter.]
For seven long years I've been waiting for just the right moment, Scully.
Oh, you're a sick man, Mulder.
Go on.
l love you, Scully.
No ifs, ands or-- ''Bs.
'' [ Groans .]
[ Kissing Continues .]
Yesterday a small pipe bomb ripped through the crypt of Christ's Church here in D.
C.
There were no casualties, no thefts, no note making any demand.
- Who's taking credit for it? - Nobody.
She:Jodie Foster's foster child on a Payless budget.
He's like a Jehovah's Witness meets Harrison Ford's witness.
Uh, Christ's Church.
Isn't that Cardinal O'Fallon's church? Yes, O'Fallon's residence is adjacent to the crypt.
- Who's Cardinal O'Fallon? - Cardinal ''O'Fallen'' perhaps.
Um, he's one of the most powerful men in the Church today.
His name often comes up as a possibility for the first American pope.
-[ Cell Phone Ringing .]
- Oh.
I don't wanna be myopic, but this looks like a straight-up terrorist act for the A.
T.
F.
- ''Myopic.
'' -[ Cell Phone Ringing .]
Yes, it does.
-[ Ringing Continues .]
- Are you gonna answer your phone? - Me? - Yeah.
I didn't wanna be rude.
- Sir, who the hell is this guy? - Hello.
This is Wayne Federman.
He's an old buddy of mine from college.
He's a writer out in Hollywood now and he's working on a F.
B.
I.
-based movie.
- He's asked me to give him access.
- A screenwriter? It's actually writerlproducer.
That's actually just a hindrancelpain in the neck.
Yo,yo,yo.
Agent Mulder, l don't wanna eat your lunch.
I'm just here for some procedural flavor.
Just a taste.
I have no idea what you just said.
Well, the Skin man's filled me in on your particular bent.
He said that you come at things maybe a little farkatke, a little Star Trekkie, which is the exact vibe I'm looking for for this thing I'm doing.
It's a Silence of the Lambs meets Greatest Story Ever Told type thing.
It's beautiful and I will not be in your way.
I'll be strictly Heisenbergian.
A hologram.
Agent Mulder, Mr.
Federman will accompany you today to Christ's Church where he will act as an observer on this case.
You will extend to him every courtesy and protection you would a friend of the bureau's.
Agent Scully, I require your services here for the morning.
[ Laughs .]
Sir, have I pissed you off in a way that's more than normal? -ust curious if she's more than your partner.
- Enough, Wayne.
Hey, whatever.
[ Bells Chiming .]
Cardinal O'Fallon, can you think of anyone who might make an attempt on your life? The Church always has enemies, Agent Mulder.
The size of the bomb would have limited its destruction to just the crypt itself.
- Is there anything down there worth targeting? - Not really.
Just some old bones, artifacts, relics, documents that we store down there in the cold.
I like to think of it as God's refrigerator.
- That's a great line.
- Thank you.
- God's refrigerator.
- Wayne, shut up.
[ O'Fallon .]
No treasures to the outside world.
Things of negligible monetary value, but great spiritual value to the Church-- ancient devotional texts, medieval relics.
How 'bout the Shroud ofTurin? No, I'm afraid not.
But we do have the bathrobe of St.
Peter.
- You're kidding? - Yes, I am.
- That's a good line.
- Thank you.
Wayne, shut up.
who comes down to the crypt here? Only myself.
A half a mile of catacombs here.
I like to walk here during lunch.
That's where the bomb went off.
Well, my instinct, Cardinal, is to see this desecration of the dead less as a murder attempt and more as a terrorist act.
-[ Cell Phone Ringing .]
- A message-- - Uh, this isn't me.
I think it's you.
-[ Ringing Continues .]
Excuse me.
That's, uh-- That's not me.
Let me check.
Not me.
We never get reception here.
[ Ringing Continues .]
[ Ringing Continues .]
Would that be St.
Jude's cell phone, Cardinal? No.
That's Micah Hoffman.
[ Ringing Stops .]
Micah Hoffman, Willie Mays and Frank Serpico.
That's my holy trinity, Scully.
Of course I'm too young to remember, but wasn't he some kind of a '60s campus radical like a Jerry Rubin or a Mario Savio? Name a '60s counterculture movement and Micah Hoffman was at or near the center of it.
He was one of the original Weathermen.
He was the first Yippie.
He was a better poet than Ginsberg.
And he was also the starting shortstop for his Columbia baseball team.
- Then in the '7 0s, didn't he go real low profile? - Right after Altamont.
- He was never heard from again.
- The Stones get blamed for everything.
- I don't get it.
- This should be it here.
What did Skinner want you for this morning? Just paperwork.
Mm-hmm.
- Mulder, we should have a warrant.
- lt's only the Constitution.
No big deal.
- Wow.
- ''Dis-Feng-Shui.
'' Mulder, sorry to denigrate a third of your trinity, but it looks like Hoffman was killed by one of his own bombs.
Well, from Dharma Bum to Dharma Bomb.
[ Mulder .]
l knew Hoffman was a master potter.
Well, it appears he was a master calligrapher as well.
Look, Mulder, we've got gum arabic and sodium hydroxide here.
Whew! These would be used to, uh-- to age the ink and the paper prematurely.
It's a forger's trick.
Well, from counterculture to counterfeiter.
All right, one more pun and I pull out my gun.
Scully, look at that.
''Cristos.
'' Looks like a religious text.
Can you read Greek at all? Well, it's pretty rusty.
But it looks like some kind of lost gospel.
A gospel of Mary Magdalene.
And ''An Account of Christ's Life on Earth After the Resurrection.
'' - After? - Yeah.
It's a heretical text, Mulder.
Mythical I should say, but long rumored to be in existence.
What would Micah Hoffman be doing with heretical religious texts? I think the question is, what would Hoffman be doing forging them? Ay-yi-yi.
I think the real question, Agents, is what might O'Fallon be doing with Hoffman's forgeries? You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.
Don't shoot! I like the way you guys work-- no warrants, no permission, no research.
You're like studio executives with guns.
Should l call you Agent Mulder or Mr.
Mulder - or do you have a nickname or something like that? - Shh, shh! [ Rattling .]
Like Skin man? Just ignore me.
What's that? Looks like the same Gospel of Mary Scully l.
D.
'd over at Hoffman's place.
So, is this a forgery or is this the real thing? Well, there is no real Gospel of Mary, Federman.
The original would be a fake.
All right.
So is this a real fake or a fake fake? -[ Cell Phone Ringing .]
- [ Gasps .]
It's me.
Yes? Nothing new.
No, I can hear you.
lt's just your voice is-- There's like a crackly sound and then I hear the syllables.
-Stop yelling.
Yelling isn't helping the situation.
- Hmm.
lust talk.
You're breaking up.
No.
Let me call you back.
Okay.
Yeah, I'm telling you.
I'm going through a crypt.
Wow.
Oh, my God.
[ Scully .]
Now, wayne, l'm sure that it was dark in there and that your eyes were playing tricks on you.
And you've been influenced by ghost stories and horror movies that take place in crypts and graveyards.
And you hallucinated this vision of these dancing bones trying to reconstruct this bowl.
No, I didn't hallucinate.
That was mechanical or C.
G.
I.
Federman, that wasn't a movie.
That was real life.
The difference being? Well, I have got my flavor here.
- So, I appreciate all your help.
I've got a movie to write.
- You're leaving? - You don't wanna get to the bottom of this? - Not especially.
Well, you know, sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction.
Well, fiction is quicker than truth and cheaper.
You want my advice? You're both crazy.
Why do you say that? Well, you're crazy for believing what you believe and you're crazy for not believing what he believes.
I'll leave you with that.
Thank you.
I miss him already.
You know, Mulder, I know that Federman's B.
S.
ing you.
So I'm really hesitant to mention this.
But, um, his story reminds me of the Lazarus Bowl.
The Lazarus Bowl? We had this wacky nun in Catholic school-- Sister Callahan.
We used to call her Sr.
Spooky 'cause she would tell us scary stories all the time.
Twisted Sister.
That's my kind of nun, you know.
Well, she would hold up an old piece of wood with a rusty nail in it.
And she would say, ''This is an actual piece of the cross Christ's wrist was nailed to.
'' Or she'd show us a vial of red liquid and say that it was John the Baptist's blood or something.
She'd be in prison today.
You realize that? Well, she would tell this story of when Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead.
And she said that there was this old woman who was Lazarus's aunt or something, - Lazarus's aunt? - who was spinning a clay bowl on a wheel nearby.
And that Christ's words, the actual incantation to raise the dead, were recorded in the clay grooves of the pottery just like the way music is recorded into vinyl.
You see? It's just not true you can't get good science at Catholic school.
It's a lie.
Well, Sr.
Spooky says that these words in the clay still have the power to raise the dead just likeJesus raised Lazarus.
That is a very cool story coming from you, Scully.
l'll have Chuck Burks meet you over at my office.
See if this clay has Christ's greatest hits on it.
And I'm gonna-- I'm gonna go have another audience with Cardinal O'Fallon.
[ Machine Humming .]
There's music in the air, Agent Scully.
See, everything that exists vibrates, and therefore sings-- the street, your internal organs, electricity, everything.
Here, I'll show you.
You see? This is my voice bouncing around in the red here.
And all this yellow is ambient sound that we habitually tune out.
It's the hum of my hardware, Mulder's porn tapes on pause, sounds from the street.
Everything we hear but we don't know we hear l can hear it with this machine.
Oh.
What is it? ## [ Indistinct Choral .]
Who made this? We're not sure.
Either a forger by the name of Micah Hoffman or, uh, someone else in the vicinity ofJesus Christ.
''Buzzinga.
'' Whoever did it is some kind of a musical genius.
This clay is vibrating in all the keys at once.
lt's heavenly.
[ Mulder.]
Can you translate what it says there for me, please? Did you recover them from the crypt? Yes.
''And then Jesus took his beloved Mary Magdalene in an embrace.
''An embrace not of God and woman, but of man and woman.
''And Jesus said to Mary, 'Love the body '''for it is all of the soul that our senses can perceive.
''' And how about these? These appear to be copies of the original.
- Rough drafts.
- How? They're all forgeries, sir.
Did you buy these from Micah Hoffman? I thought they were real.
Yeah, I can understand that.
Hoffman was a master.
My partner had them analyzed, and they're indistinguishable from the real thing.
The paper is authentic, the ink, the hand, the diction, everything.
Hoffman was also an explosives expert.
Do you have any idea what he might have been doing with a bomb in the crypt? Can you think of anybody who might have wanted to kill Micah Hoffman? No.
Why were you hiding the documents, sir? When Micah came to me with these, as I then thought ancient texts, and our experts verified them, it exploded a bomb in my heart.
The Christ that I loved was not the Christ in these texts.
So you bought them in order to hide them.
To keep others from feeling the despair and the anger that I felt.
To protect people from what I can now see they needed no protection from.
Why didn't you just destroy the documents yourself? I thought they were real.
I hated them.
I despised them.
I would have liked to destroy them, but I couldn't.
Is being made a fool of a crime, Agent Mulder? I'd be doing life if it were, sir.
- [ Ringing .]
- Scully.
[ Mulder.]
Hey, Scully, it's me.
Can you horn in on the Hoffman autopsy for me? - Why? - I got a feeling Hoffman was dead before he died.
He was blackmailing O'Fallon with those forgeries.
Maybe O'Fallon retaliated.
Mulder, this bowl-- Your buddy Chuck Burks says that it has properties he's never seen before.
-[ Line Beeps .]
-Hold on a second.
That's my other line.
- Mulder.
- [ Federman .]
Agent Mulder? It's WaynelFederman out in L.
A.
- I can't talk about the case.
- That's all right.
Skin man's keeping me in the loop.
Listen.
Who do you see playing you in the movie? - I'm in the movie? - It's a character loosely based on you.
- It's more of an amalgamation.
- Hold on a second, Wayne.
- Sr.
Spooky, I gotta take this.
- I'll call you after the autopsy.
Thanks.
- How 'bout Richard Gere? - [ Laughing Hysterically .]
Yeah, okay.
Seriously.
What if I said to you the name Garry Shandling? Wayne, you're breaking up.
It sounded like you said Garry Shandling.
Garry Shandling signed on to play the amalgamation loosely based on you.
And Tea Leoni's playing the amalgamation loosely based on your partner.
You stud.
The movie's called The Lazarus Bowl.
-How do you know about the Lazarus Bowl? -The Skin man.
Listen, Shandling and Leoni wanna meet you guys.
Get your flavor.
It's an actor type thing.
Come on out to the studio on our dime.
We'll make it nice.
Hey, who's-- Well, then who's gonna play Skinner in the movie? - Richard Gere.
- [ Stammering .]
Fracturing of skull and surface abrasions initially consistent with concussive force injuries.
I am, uh, now weighing the heart which is relatively normal, although somewhat large.
- I'm gonna need that when you're done with it.
- [ Gasps .]
Oh, my God! Hoo-yeah! - Who are you? - I am who I am.
Uh-uh.
[ Speaking Latin .]
Ow! Damn it! What'd you find, Scully? In Micah Hoffman's stomach there were traces of red wine and strychnine.
Man, oh, Manischewitz.
Communion wine I bet.
I bet O'Fallon poisoned Hoffman, then placed his body near the explosion to cover his tracks.
That's possible, Mulder.
I could get a warrant for O'Fallon.
[ O'Fallon .]
You are the one God, living and true.
Through all eternity you live an unapproachable life.
Mulder, let's allow the man some dignity, okay? You fill your creatures with every blessing and lead all men to the joyful vision of your life.
In our joy, we sing to your glory with all the choirs of angels.
Holy, holy, holy Lord.
God of power and might.
Heaven and earth are full of your glory.
Hosanna in the highest.
Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord.
Hosanna in the highest.
[ Speaks Latin .]
Lordesus Christ, you said to your apostles, ''l leave you in peace.
My peace l give you.
'' Let's get this over with.
And grant us the peace and unity of your kingdom.
Amen.
Augustine O'Fallon, you're under arrest for the murder of Micah Hoffman.
- You have the right to remain silent.
- Oh, my God.
- Anything you say can and will be used against you in-- - Mulder.
Do you see what I see? Yes, I do.
-[ Scully .]
ls that Micah Hoffman? -[ O'Fallon .]
Yes, it is.
Misidentification of a corpse and subsequent unrequested autopsy.
Sir, the dead man looked very much like Micah Hoffman.
He had Hoffman's I.
D.
on him.
Agent Scully, if I'm carrying Marilyn Monroe's purse, do you assume that I slept with J.
F.
K.
? Agent Mulder, the F.
B.
l.
has always prided itself with the speedy expedition of cases.
But this is the first time, and I hope you're as proud of this as I am, that we've ever attempted to pursue a murder case where the victim was still alive! A bomb went off.
A crime's been committed.
There's a dead body nobody seems to give a damn about.
O'Fallon's been less than forthcoming.
And Hoffman at the very least is guilty of forgery and extortion.
Agent Mulder, you will leave O'Fallon alone.
You will leave Hoffman alone! Agent Scully, you'll put your trigger-happy scalpel away! Best case scenario, you get to keep your jobs.
Worst case, O'Fallon and the Church bring a huge embarrassing lawsuit against the bureau which will feature you two as the sacrificial lambs! As of right now, I'm forcing you to take a four-week leave, effective immediately pending review.
I think this whole Richard Gere thing is going to Skinner's head.
- We're off this case, Mulder.
-[ Burks .]
Compadres.
I teased out something very fabulous from your pottery there.
- Layered in under the ambience-- - [ Voice Speaking .]
There.
Guess what language that is.
- Chuck, I've had a bad day.
- It's a dead language.
I had a linguist in here to listen to the recording.
It's Aramaic.
That's the language that Christ spoke.
Did your, uh, linguist happen to translate it? Yes, he did.
It's in two parts.
The first part, here, roughly translates as, ''I am the walrus.
I am the walrus.
Paul is dead.
Goo goo g'joob.
'' Although there is no Aramaic word for walrus.
So it literally says, ''I am the bearded cow-like sea beast.
'' - What's the second part? - The second part's a little freakier.
Here.
- What is it? - It appears to be one man commanding another to rise from the dead.
[ Voice Continues .]
Lazarus? I am becomeJesus Christ.
I am become skeptical.
There I was totally bumming after Altamont.
And I thought, throw in the towel and go to law school or continue to fight and become a forger of scandalous religious documents.
I suppose that's a choice every young, gifted, American male is faced with.
I knew O'Fallon from college.
- He was a divinity professor of mine.
-At Columbia? Yeah.
And he is a decent man, but with an overweening pride and sense of responsibility born of a fundamental lack of respect for the human animal.
He believes in God, but not in man and man's ability to choose to live in freedom.
He has Christ in his brain, but not in his heart.
[ Scoffs .]
So, uh, you created a Christ in these forgeries that was more suited to your particular world view? Yeah, but before I could write like Christ, I had to become him, in much the same way I imagine an actor who plays a part becomes that part.
So I immersed myself in Jesus Christ.
Not just the Church and teachings, but the man, the custom of his time, the language, the vibe, the feeling of Christ.
So why didn't O'Fallon and the elders go outside the Church for authentification? Because the forgeries are too damning of the Church.
They couldn't risk the exposure.
But then something truly weird came over me.
Remorse? Conversion, Agent Scully.
The lightning bolt that transformed Saul to Paul on the road to Damascus.
One day, I was not just impersonating Jesus Christ, I had become him.
That's why I blew up the crypt.
The forgeries were blasphemous and needed to be destroyed.
How did your cell phone get on the dead man in the crypt? God works in mysterious ways.
God works in mysterious ways.
[ Speaking Along With TV.]
Well, as long as they can think, we'll have our problems.
But those whom they are using cannot think.
They are the dead brought to assimilate life by our electrode attempts.
-[ Knocking .]
- It's open! You know, it's an interesting thing when you consider you Earth people who can think are so frightened by those who cannot-- the dead.
Couldn't sleep either, huh? - Plan g from Outer Space ? - Yeah.
It's the Ed Wood investigative method.
This movie is so profoundly bad in such a childlike way that it hypnotizes my conscious critical mind and frees up my right brain to make socio-poetic leaps.
And I started flashing on Hoffman and O'Fallon.
How there's this archetypal relationship.
Like Hoffman's Jesus to O'Fallon's Judas.
Or Hoffman's Jesus to O'Fallon's Dostoyevsky's grand inquisitor.
Or Hoffman's Jesus to O'Fallon's St.
Paul.
How 'bout Hoffman's Roadrunner to O'Fallon's Wile E.
Coyote? - Mulder? - Yeah? Do you think it's at all possible that Hoffman is reallyJesus Christ? Are you making fun of me? No.
Well, no, I don't.
But crazy people can be very persuasive.
Well, yes, I know that.
Maybe true faith is really a form of insanity.
- Are you directing that at me? - No! I'm directing it at myself and at Ed Wood.
Well, you know, even a broken clock is right 730 times a year.
- How-- - Forty-two.
- You've seen this movie 42 times? - Yes.
Doesn't that make you sad? It makes me sad.
- You ever been to Hollywood? - A couple of times a few years ago.
You're going to be there in the morning.
Just a few minutes from Hollywood in the town of San Fernando.
Reports have come in of saucers flying so low-- You know, Scully, we've got four-weeks probation vacation and nothing to do.
And Wayne Federman's invited us out to L.
A.
to watch his movie being filmed.
And God knows I could use a little sunshine.
Scully? [ Scully .]
California, here we come.
- [ Bell Rings .]
- [ Man .]
Beep, beep.
Agents? So glad you could hang.
Come on.
I want you to meet the people that are gonna play you.
- Garry Shandling, Tea Leoni, this is Agents Mulder and Scully.
- It's a pleasure.
- Nice to meet you.
Big fan.
Fox Mulder.
- No kidding? You know, while I've got you here, maybe, uh-- maybe you could show me how to run in these things.
Right over here I was thinking 'cause, I tell you-- I mean, I'm having a hell of a time with these heels.
- Hey, uh-- - Hi.
How are you? Seriously, listen.
Can I ask you something? - Sure.
- Do you dress to the left or to the right? What-- What do you mean? [ Clears Throat .]
Look, when I play a character, I need to find his center, his sort of rudder, so to say.
And then everything comes from that.
Uh-- I guess mostly to the left.
Mostly? Most of the time.
Most of the time to the left.
Mm-hmm.
Wardrobe! -[ Bell Ringing .]
-[ Man .]
Rolling! And ''rollando.
'' Come on, now.
Kick it in the ass.
And action, zombies! - [ Screaming .]
- What is this? -[ Director .]
Cut.
Go ahead, ruin my career.
- What seems to be the problem? What the hell is this? What the hell's in my mouth? What is Tea Leoni's shoulder made out of? Craft services, what is Tea Leoni's shoulder made of?.
- Turkey,just like you asked for.
- Turkey.
-Miss Leoni's shoulder's made of turkey.
-Tofu turkey! Tofurkey! I asked for Tofurkey! I'm a vegetarian! Half the zombies are vegetarians! Oh, my God! The people are made out of turkey.
-[ Mulder .]
Hello? - Mulder, it's me.
What are you doing? I'm, uh, working at the computer.
What are you doing? I'm, uh, packing.
Just getting ready for our trip back to D.
C.
tomorrow.
Scully, I was just thinking about Lazarus, Ed Wood and those Tofurkey-eatin' zombies.
How come when people come back from the dead, they always wanna hurt the living? Well, that's because people can't really come back from the dead, Mulder.
Ghosts and zombies are just projections of our own repressed cannibalistic and sexual fears and desires.
They are who we fear that we are at heart.
Just mindless automatons who can only kill and eat.
Party pooper.
Well, I got a new theory.
I say that when zombies try to eat people, that's just the first stage.
They've just come back from being dead, so they're gonna do all the things they missed.
So first they're gonna eat, then they're gonna drink.
Then they're gonna dance and make love.
Oh, I see.
So it's just that we never get to stay with them long enough to see the gentler side of the undead.
- Exactly.
- [ Line Beeps .]
Hold on a second.
That's my other line.
Hello? Agent Mulder, it's Assistant Director Skinner.
I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time.
No, sir.
I'm just at the computer.
I wanted to apologize for coming down so hard on you during the HoffmanlO'Fallon case.
Oh.
I appreciate that, Skin man.
- Don't call me that.
- Yes, sir.
- Um, where are you now? - I'm right underneath you.
I'm in L.
A.
at the same hotel as you, right below you and Agent Scully.
Federman got me an associate producer credit on the movie.
A.
P.
Skinner, huh? Uh, so what are you up to right now, sir? I'm taking a bubble bath.
Uh, hold on just one second, sir.
Hey, Scully, Skin man is calling me from a bubble bath.
It's still me, Mulder.
Uh, sorry.
Just-Just hold on one second, sir.
- Scully? - Yeah.
Skinner is calling me from a bubble bath.
Wow.
He's really gone Hollywood.
- Totally.
- You know, Mulder, speaking of Hollywood, I think that Tea Leoni has a little crush on you.
Oh, yeah, right.
Like Tea Leoni's ever gonna have a crush on me.
I think that Shandling likes you a bit too.
Really? I love you, Scully.
- No, ifs, ands or-- - ''Bs.
'' [ Leoni .]
wait.
wait, Mulder.
l can't.
[ Shandling .]
l know this feels wrong because we're friends and we treat each other as equals, but-- No.
No, it's not that.
It's not that.
Well, what then? I'm in love with Assistant Director Walter Skinner.
- That's it, Scully.
I just can't take it anymore.
- Shh, Mulder.
Sit down.
- what does he have that l don't have? -A bigger flashlight.
[ Laughter.]
I've been looking all over for you.
They got it so wrong, Scully.
I got a page from the Washington bureau.
Micah Hoffman was murdered tonight.
Murdered in his own home by Cardinal O'Fallon, who then hanged himself.
A murderlsuicide.
It's Jesus and Judas, Scully.
Well, it's all over now.
No, no.
It's just beginning.
Hoffman and O'Fallon were these complicated, flawed, beautiful people.
And now they'll just be remembered as jokes because of this movie.
The character based on O'Fallon is listed in the credits as ''Cigarette-Smoking Pontiff.
'' How silly is that? - Pretty silly.
- And what about us? How are we gonna be remembered now because of this movie? Well, hopefully the movie will tank.
What about all the dead people who are forever silent and can't tell their stories anymore? They're all gonna have to rely on Hollywood to show the future how we lived.
And it'll all become oversimplified and trivialized and Cigarette-Smoking ''Pontificized'' and become as plastic and meaningless as this stupid plastic Lazarus Bowl.
I think the dead are beyond caring what people think about them.
Hopefully we can adopt the same attitude.
You do know that there aren't real dead people out there, right? That this is a movie set? -[ Chuckles .]
- The dead are everywhere, Scully.
Well, we're alive.
And we're relatively young.
- And Skinner was so tickled by the movie - I bet he was.
that he has given us a bureau credit card to use for the evening.
Come on.
Mulder, I have something to confess.
- What's that? - I'm in love with Associate Producer Walter Skinner.
[ Both Laugh .]
Ah, me too.
[ Static Humming .]
## [ Slow Samba .]
[ Child .]
l made this!