Two and a Half Men s07e19 Episode Script
Keith Moon is Vomiting in his Grave
Larry was just a single dad Till a toxic spill in the science lab Gave him super strength And x-ray eyes He cooks, he cleans and now he flies Superdad He's a Superdad He's a whiz in the kitchen Makes potatoes au gratin While helping the government Find Osama Bin Laden - Oh, hey.
- What's that? I'm writing a theme song for a new sitcom on Nickelodeon.
Does the show suck as much as the song? - Who the hell are you? - My friend Eldridge.
He plays drums.
Okay.
That explains the bad attitude.
- What, you're ragging on my name? - No, I'm ragging on your instrument.
Now beat it, I'm busy.
- He said "beat it.
" - And "instrument.
" Fighting crime and packing lunches Changing diapers And throwing punches Little turd was right.
This does suck.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Jake's friend show up? - Yeah, he's here.
- When's he leaving? - I said he could spend the night.
Really? Did you consider clearing it with me? You would've said no to Jake having a friend over? If you recall, seven years ago I said no to having Jake over.
And yet, here he is.
So, what's the point in asking? Fine.
What do we know about the little drummer boy? Not much.
Jake says he's one of the cool kids at school.
Then why's he hanging out with Jake? Are you saying my son's not cool? Your son got his tongue stuck to the freezer last weekend.
That could have happened to anybody.
Anybody who tried to pick up an Eskimo Pie with their tongue.
- His hands were full.
- With a honey-baked ham.
Okay, so he's not cool, and he eats a lot of crap and his grades aren't the best, and his personal hygiene is a little sketchy.
Is there a "but" coming? But he's my son and I love him.
What's so funny? Mom says the same thing about you.
Really? Mom says she loves me? He's a member of the PTA He wears leotards But he's not gay Superdad He's a Sup Stupid drummers.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey.
I'm trying to work out there.
Well, what do you think we're doing in here, man? Don't feed me straight lines, Alfalfa.
Just keep it down.
Alfalfa? He gives everyone nicknames.
I'm Pumpkinhead, my dad's the Sponge.
Don't even ask what he calls my grandma.
It rhymes with "bitch.
" Oh, wait, it is bitch.
It rhymes with, uh - Ditch? - No.
- Snitch? - No.
- Itch? - No.
Man, this is boring.
Hold on, I'll think of it.
No, I mean what are we gonna do tonight? - I don't know, what do you wanna do? - I don't know.
Well, I don't know either.
Hey, why don't we steal some beer from your fridge go down to the beach and get wasted? Okay, but I gotta warn you, I get kind of stupid when I drink.
Don't worry, you can leave the thinking to me.
Hey, you know what? It does rhyme with "ditch.
" What does? Daddy, is Mr.
Boots dead? J- Bob, you did throw him out of a moving car.
That's never good for a house cat.
I thought they were supposed to land on their feet.
And that's what he was trying to do when he bounced off the FedEx truck.
But let me see what I can do.
Cover your eyes.
Okay.
Mr.
Boots, you're okay! Just remember, he's only got five lives left.
Maybe my song doesn't suck enough.
Hey.
So where's Jake and Eldridge? Beats me.
Last I saw, they were stealing beer out of the fridge and sneaking out the back.
They stole beer? They had to, I locked up the hard stuff.
Charlie.
Relax, how drunk can they get off a 12-pack? Damn it.
This had to be Eldridge's idea.
- Jake would never think of it on his own.
- That's true.
The last bright idea he had was to pick up an Eskimo Pie with his tongue.
I'd better go look for them.
Good idea.
Embarrass him in front of his only guy friend.
Eldridge isn't his only guy friend.
Who else does he hang out with? And you can't count you, me, or military recruiters.
So, what, I'm supposed to do nothing? They have to be punished.
Don't worry, the alcohol will punish them plenty.
Yeah, that's really worked for you.
Trust me, Alan.
Inside, I'm suffering.
Oh, the agony.
- Beer's not so cool now, is it? - Leave me alone.
And you, what is your mother gonna say? For God's sake, that's wicker.
Hey.
How we all doing in here? You should have stopped them.
And miss out on this? How's it hanging, Alfalfa? And you call yourself a drummer.
Keith Moon is vomiting in his grave.
That's really beautiful, Charlie.
Thanks.
I wrote it before I got kicked out of Juilliard.
I gotta ask.
How did you go from writing something like that to jingles and kid music? Well, after I left school, I came back to L.
A.
Hoping to write film scores.
But I met this advertising guy who needed a song about toothpaste.
Before I knew it, I was rhyming "exhilaration" with "constipation.
" "Open doors" with "cold sores.
" And one I am particularly proud of: "Make a switch" with "feminine itch.
" I hear you.
When I came out here, I was hoping to be a dancer.
Really? Yeah.
Then I met pot and doughnuts.
Before I knew it, I was scrubbing toilets and hosing teenage barf out of wicker baskets.
Rhyme that, Beethoven.
A- tisket, a-tasket I'm barfing in a basket That's what pays your salary, baby.
Eldridge's mom.
I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind.
Oh, just let it go.
No, no, this is poor parenting on her part and she needs to know about it.
Hi.
I'm here to pick up Eldridge.
I hope he wasn't too much trouble.
Trouble? He was an angel.
Come on in.
Thanks.
Superdad Thank you so much, Alan.
Eldridge is welcome anytime.
We single parents have to stick together.
- Yeah.
- See you, buddy.
Yeah, bite me.
- I heard that, young man.
Good for you.
- Get in the car.
- Can I drive? Not with a suspended license you can't.
You suck.
- And you're ruining my life! Okay, bye-bye.
Yes? What happened to giving her a piece of your mind? Oh, come on, we both know what happened.
Right.
Piece of tail always trumps piece of mind, doesn't it? What do you want? She's a beautiful woman she's been through a tough divorce, she's raising a teenage son by herself.
Last thing she needs is me dumping more problems in her lap.
So what are your plans for her lap? - I don't know, I might call her.
We'll see.
- You're unbelievable.
Your son finally gets a friend and you're gonna try to nail his mother? First of all, with a classy woman like Lyndsey, there's no nailing.
There's, uh, dating and bonding and getting to know one another.
Then, eventually, consummating the relationship with mutual respect and caring.
Oh, grow up.
This is a hot divorced mom from the Valley.
You're gonna need three penises and a set of jumper cables just to get her attention.
You're disgusting.
Hey, I'm not the one trying to bang the drummer's mom slowly.
Don't you judge me.
Why not? You've slept with one of Jake's teachers his den mother, his karate instructor, his ballet teacher and his aunt.
- Great, so five wrongs make a right.
- What? If I jump off a bridge and land on top of some broad Jake knows that makes it okay for you to do it too? What? I think I've made my point.
What? I'm never gonna drink again.
Quitter.
- Charlie.
- Oh, right.
Attaboy.
Here's your wastebasket.
I rinsed it out but there are still some tiny chunks in the weave.
Maybe you could use your dad's Waterpik.
- Give the kid a break, he's hung-over.
- Oh, the poor dear.
Next time, tell your friends to puke out the window.
Wanna know a sure-fire hangover cure? Never stop drinking.
- Charlie.
- Let me finish.
Or never start in the first place.
See how I turned that around? Bring it home, Dr.
Cosby.
All right.
For starters, you and Eldridge stole beer that did not belong to you.
That is not how I raised you.
Now to the issue of underage drinking.
Not only is it against the law, alcohol destroys brain cells.
Alan.
Alan, you gotta tailor the pitch to the audience.
- What do you mean? - Forget brain cells.
Jake, listen to me.
This is very important.
Alcohol can make it tough to get a boner.
You're kidding.
I can't tell you how many times I've said, "This has never happened before.
" Huh.
- Where you going? - To check out your theory.
Remember, he's your son and you love him.
Dr.
Alan Harper.
May I help you? Oh, hi, Lyndsey.
No, no, you're not interrupting.
Just doing some stomach crunches.
Hang on.
And 1000.
So, uh, what's up? Tonight? Sure, sure, I'd love to.
Yeah, yeah, I know that place.
Eight o'clock, perfect.
See you then.
How about that? She called me.
Wants to have drinks.
- Nice.
What are you gonna tell Jake? - Who? I mean, uh, what do you mean? Are you gonna tell him you're hooking up with his buddy's mom? First of all, nobody said anything about hooking up, it's just drinks.
And second of all, Jake went out and had drinks last night and didn't tell me.
Man, that's the most lame-ass rationalization for questionable behavior I've ever heard from you.
Yeah, so? Kudos.
Hey, Uncle Charlie, you were wrong.
It is so nice to get out of the house and spend time with another grownup.
I know, heh.
It's hard to be a single parent.
Thankless really.
Tell me about it.
- Dealing with the ex.
- Boundaries.
- The loneliness.
- Frustration.
- It's all worth it though.
- Oh, yeah.
My son is the greatest gift of my life.
Mine too.
I can't imagine loving anything more than I love Jake.
- To our children.
- Our children.
Tell me I'm a good mom! You're a good mom.
I'm a dirty mom.
Oh, you're so dirty.
Oh, uh, whoopsie.
Automatic flusher.
Do that again.
Okay.
Not the toilet! Sorry! Sorry! Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
Aren't you grounded? Um, no, I think that's just when my dad's here.
Get in the house.
All of you.
- I thought you were cool.
- No, you didn't.
- How old are you? - Sixteen.
- What about you? That's what I thought.
- Same.
- We were just going to the beach.
- Nobody asked you.
Now, I want you to listen to this and tell me if it makes you wanna watch the TV show.
What? Larry was just a single dad Till a toxic spill in a science lab Gave him super strength And x-ray eyes He cooks, he cleans and now he flies Superdad He's a super bad, fighting mad College grad wearing plaid Superdad - Wow, that was great.
- Oh, my God, that was so good.
- Absolutely fantastic.
- You wrote that? - You think? Definitely.
Oh, yeah.
Really makes you wanna see the show.
Thanks.
Thank you.
All right, well, I guess you guys all wanna get going.
- Yeah, let's go.
Yeah.
- Psst, Jake.
- Yeah? - Lf you got a choice, take the tall one.
- Why? Trust me.
It's my superpower.
Thanks.
Super uncle I'm back.
Oh, good.
I was starting to worry.
How did it go with Jake? Hardly knew he was here.
Can you keep a secret? The real question is: "Can I remember a secret?" You were right.
That's no secret.
- No, I mean about Lyndsey.
- Who's Lyndsey? Eldridge's mom.
Who's Eldridge? Jake's friend? The drummer? Anyway, we did wind up having sex.
You and me? You really need to get into a program.
It's not funny anymore.
Humor is very subjective.
Come on, be serious.
I'm telling you about Lyndsey because I may need you to cover for me with Jake.
- Don't worry, I got your back.
- Thanks, Charlie.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Is he gone? Who? - Dad.
- Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
Don't worry, I got your back.
- Good night.
- Good night.
What just happened?
- What's that? I'm writing a theme song for a new sitcom on Nickelodeon.
Does the show suck as much as the song? - Who the hell are you? - My friend Eldridge.
He plays drums.
Okay.
That explains the bad attitude.
- What, you're ragging on my name? - No, I'm ragging on your instrument.
Now beat it, I'm busy.
- He said "beat it.
" - And "instrument.
" Fighting crime and packing lunches Changing diapers And throwing punches Little turd was right.
This does suck.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Jake's friend show up? - Yeah, he's here.
- When's he leaving? - I said he could spend the night.
Really? Did you consider clearing it with me? You would've said no to Jake having a friend over? If you recall, seven years ago I said no to having Jake over.
And yet, here he is.
So, what's the point in asking? Fine.
What do we know about the little drummer boy? Not much.
Jake says he's one of the cool kids at school.
Then why's he hanging out with Jake? Are you saying my son's not cool? Your son got his tongue stuck to the freezer last weekend.
That could have happened to anybody.
Anybody who tried to pick up an Eskimo Pie with their tongue.
- His hands were full.
- With a honey-baked ham.
Okay, so he's not cool, and he eats a lot of crap and his grades aren't the best, and his personal hygiene is a little sketchy.
Is there a "but" coming? But he's my son and I love him.
What's so funny? Mom says the same thing about you.
Really? Mom says she loves me? He's a member of the PTA He wears leotards But he's not gay Superdad He's a Sup Stupid drummers.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey.
I'm trying to work out there.
Well, what do you think we're doing in here, man? Don't feed me straight lines, Alfalfa.
Just keep it down.
Alfalfa? He gives everyone nicknames.
I'm Pumpkinhead, my dad's the Sponge.
Don't even ask what he calls my grandma.
It rhymes with "bitch.
" Oh, wait, it is bitch.
It rhymes with, uh - Ditch? - No.
- Snitch? - No.
- Itch? - No.
Man, this is boring.
Hold on, I'll think of it.
No, I mean what are we gonna do tonight? - I don't know, what do you wanna do? - I don't know.
Well, I don't know either.
Hey, why don't we steal some beer from your fridge go down to the beach and get wasted? Okay, but I gotta warn you, I get kind of stupid when I drink.
Don't worry, you can leave the thinking to me.
Hey, you know what? It does rhyme with "ditch.
" What does? Daddy, is Mr.
Boots dead? J- Bob, you did throw him out of a moving car.
That's never good for a house cat.
I thought they were supposed to land on their feet.
And that's what he was trying to do when he bounced off the FedEx truck.
But let me see what I can do.
Cover your eyes.
Okay.
Mr.
Boots, you're okay! Just remember, he's only got five lives left.
Maybe my song doesn't suck enough.
Hey.
So where's Jake and Eldridge? Beats me.
Last I saw, they were stealing beer out of the fridge and sneaking out the back.
They stole beer? They had to, I locked up the hard stuff.
Charlie.
Relax, how drunk can they get off a 12-pack? Damn it.
This had to be Eldridge's idea.
- Jake would never think of it on his own.
- That's true.
The last bright idea he had was to pick up an Eskimo Pie with his tongue.
I'd better go look for them.
Good idea.
Embarrass him in front of his only guy friend.
Eldridge isn't his only guy friend.
Who else does he hang out with? And you can't count you, me, or military recruiters.
So, what, I'm supposed to do nothing? They have to be punished.
Don't worry, the alcohol will punish them plenty.
Yeah, that's really worked for you.
Trust me, Alan.
Inside, I'm suffering.
Oh, the agony.
- Beer's not so cool now, is it? - Leave me alone.
And you, what is your mother gonna say? For God's sake, that's wicker.
Hey.
How we all doing in here? You should have stopped them.
And miss out on this? How's it hanging, Alfalfa? And you call yourself a drummer.
Keith Moon is vomiting in his grave.
That's really beautiful, Charlie.
Thanks.
I wrote it before I got kicked out of Juilliard.
I gotta ask.
How did you go from writing something like that to jingles and kid music? Well, after I left school, I came back to L.
A.
Hoping to write film scores.
But I met this advertising guy who needed a song about toothpaste.
Before I knew it, I was rhyming "exhilaration" with "constipation.
" "Open doors" with "cold sores.
" And one I am particularly proud of: "Make a switch" with "feminine itch.
" I hear you.
When I came out here, I was hoping to be a dancer.
Really? Yeah.
Then I met pot and doughnuts.
Before I knew it, I was scrubbing toilets and hosing teenage barf out of wicker baskets.
Rhyme that, Beethoven.
A- tisket, a-tasket I'm barfing in a basket That's what pays your salary, baby.
Eldridge's mom.
I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind.
Oh, just let it go.
No, no, this is poor parenting on her part and she needs to know about it.
Hi.
I'm here to pick up Eldridge.
I hope he wasn't too much trouble.
Trouble? He was an angel.
Come on in.
Thanks.
Superdad Thank you so much, Alan.
Eldridge is welcome anytime.
We single parents have to stick together.
- Yeah.
- See you, buddy.
Yeah, bite me.
- I heard that, young man.
Good for you.
- Get in the car.
- Can I drive? Not with a suspended license you can't.
You suck.
- And you're ruining my life! Okay, bye-bye.
Yes? What happened to giving her a piece of your mind? Oh, come on, we both know what happened.
Right.
Piece of tail always trumps piece of mind, doesn't it? What do you want? She's a beautiful woman she's been through a tough divorce, she's raising a teenage son by herself.
Last thing she needs is me dumping more problems in her lap.
So what are your plans for her lap? - I don't know, I might call her.
We'll see.
- You're unbelievable.
Your son finally gets a friend and you're gonna try to nail his mother? First of all, with a classy woman like Lyndsey, there's no nailing.
There's, uh, dating and bonding and getting to know one another.
Then, eventually, consummating the relationship with mutual respect and caring.
Oh, grow up.
This is a hot divorced mom from the Valley.
You're gonna need three penises and a set of jumper cables just to get her attention.
You're disgusting.
Hey, I'm not the one trying to bang the drummer's mom slowly.
Don't you judge me.
Why not? You've slept with one of Jake's teachers his den mother, his karate instructor, his ballet teacher and his aunt.
- Great, so five wrongs make a right.
- What? If I jump off a bridge and land on top of some broad Jake knows that makes it okay for you to do it too? What? I think I've made my point.
What? I'm never gonna drink again.
Quitter.
- Charlie.
- Oh, right.
Attaboy.
Here's your wastebasket.
I rinsed it out but there are still some tiny chunks in the weave.
Maybe you could use your dad's Waterpik.
- Give the kid a break, he's hung-over.
- Oh, the poor dear.
Next time, tell your friends to puke out the window.
Wanna know a sure-fire hangover cure? Never stop drinking.
- Charlie.
- Let me finish.
Or never start in the first place.
See how I turned that around? Bring it home, Dr.
Cosby.
All right.
For starters, you and Eldridge stole beer that did not belong to you.
That is not how I raised you.
Now to the issue of underage drinking.
Not only is it against the law, alcohol destroys brain cells.
Alan.
Alan, you gotta tailor the pitch to the audience.
- What do you mean? - Forget brain cells.
Jake, listen to me.
This is very important.
Alcohol can make it tough to get a boner.
You're kidding.
I can't tell you how many times I've said, "This has never happened before.
" Huh.
- Where you going? - To check out your theory.
Remember, he's your son and you love him.
Dr.
Alan Harper.
May I help you? Oh, hi, Lyndsey.
No, no, you're not interrupting.
Just doing some stomach crunches.
Hang on.
And 1000.
So, uh, what's up? Tonight? Sure, sure, I'd love to.
Yeah, yeah, I know that place.
Eight o'clock, perfect.
See you then.
How about that? She called me.
Wants to have drinks.
- Nice.
What are you gonna tell Jake? - Who? I mean, uh, what do you mean? Are you gonna tell him you're hooking up with his buddy's mom? First of all, nobody said anything about hooking up, it's just drinks.
And second of all, Jake went out and had drinks last night and didn't tell me.
Man, that's the most lame-ass rationalization for questionable behavior I've ever heard from you.
Yeah, so? Kudos.
Hey, Uncle Charlie, you were wrong.
It is so nice to get out of the house and spend time with another grownup.
I know, heh.
It's hard to be a single parent.
Thankless really.
Tell me about it.
- Dealing with the ex.
- Boundaries.
- The loneliness.
- Frustration.
- It's all worth it though.
- Oh, yeah.
My son is the greatest gift of my life.
Mine too.
I can't imagine loving anything more than I love Jake.
- To our children.
- Our children.
Tell me I'm a good mom! You're a good mom.
I'm a dirty mom.
Oh, you're so dirty.
Oh, uh, whoopsie.
Automatic flusher.
Do that again.
Okay.
Not the toilet! Sorry! Sorry! Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
Aren't you grounded? Um, no, I think that's just when my dad's here.
Get in the house.
All of you.
- I thought you were cool.
- No, you didn't.
- How old are you? - Sixteen.
- What about you? That's what I thought.
- Same.
- We were just going to the beach.
- Nobody asked you.
Now, I want you to listen to this and tell me if it makes you wanna watch the TV show.
What? Larry was just a single dad Till a toxic spill in a science lab Gave him super strength And x-ray eyes He cooks, he cleans and now he flies Superdad He's a super bad, fighting mad College grad wearing plaid Superdad - Wow, that was great.
- Oh, my God, that was so good.
- Absolutely fantastic.
- You wrote that? - You think? Definitely.
Oh, yeah.
Really makes you wanna see the show.
Thanks.
Thank you.
All right, well, I guess you guys all wanna get going.
- Yeah, let's go.
Yeah.
- Psst, Jake.
- Yeah? - Lf you got a choice, take the tall one.
- Why? Trust me.
It's my superpower.
Thanks.
Super uncle I'm back.
Oh, good.
I was starting to worry.
How did it go with Jake? Hardly knew he was here.
Can you keep a secret? The real question is: "Can I remember a secret?" You were right.
That's no secret.
- No, I mean about Lyndsey.
- Who's Lyndsey? Eldridge's mom.
Who's Eldridge? Jake's friend? The drummer? Anyway, we did wind up having sex.
You and me? You really need to get into a program.
It's not funny anymore.
Humor is very subjective.
Come on, be serious.
I'm telling you about Lyndsey because I may need you to cover for me with Jake.
- Don't worry, I got your back.
- Thanks, Charlie.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Is he gone? Who? - Dad.
- Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
Don't worry, I got your back.
- Good night.
- Good night.
What just happened?