All In The Family s07e20 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days Hi, Ma.
Oh, hi, Gloria! I didn't mean to scare ya, but I need your help.
I can't figure out where I've gone wrong in this sweater that I'm making for Joey.
[LAUGHS.]
[TIMER BUZZES.]
Oh, my cookies are-- Oh, my Tollhouse cookies are done.
Mmm, Tollhouse, that's my favorite.
Gloria, would you take 'em out of the oven for me? Yeah.
And I'll look at your sweater.
Okay, can I have some? Oh, sure.
Don't burn, cookies, I'm coming to eat you! Well, there goes my diet.
Look, Ma, just like when I was little.
I got one for my mouth and one for each hand.
Here you go.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Excuse me.
Here, Ma, you can have one of 'em.
Oh, thank you.
Mmm! Mmm.
Ma, you think I oughta fix that sweater? Oh yeah.
Uh, yeah.
You think you can show me how? Oh, yeah.
[YELLS.]
What's the matter? Look at all the crumbs on the floor! Where? Umm, look again.
Oh, Ma, it was just a raisin.
I think.
Hey, Edith, Edith, I can't fix the float valve on that toilet up there without the right tools.
I can't find my screwdriver, I can't find my pliers.
Oh, yeah.
Where's the pliers? They're in the kitchen.
You was using 'em when you was fixing the sink.
No, Edith, that was a year ago.
Now I used the pliers since then.
On that self-same toilet up there, 'cause the float valve was making noise before.
And I remember when I was finished, I put the pliers right down on the top of the toilet tank, between the Rapid Shave and your heavy-duty wrinkle cream.
Hiya, Daddy.
Hiya, Little Girl.
And I ain't in a happy frame of mood, and what're you doin' with your noise in my mail? Gimme that mail! It's only bills anyhow.
And look at this, Edith, they all come on the one day of the month.
They used to spread 'em out.
Ronald Reagan woulda took care of this, see.
Well, let's see what we got here.
Oh, heating oil here.
Well, that means more money for the "A-rabs," then they run around the world buyin' up all the hotels, all the gambling joints, which means more money for the Mafia.
And then we got here the gas and electric.
Well, that's more money for Consolidated Edison, they go runnin' around tearing up the streets of New York, which means more money for the Teamsters, which is another way of saying more money for the Mafia.
And then we got the telephone here, AT&T, American Thives and Thugs which is another way of sayin' more money for the Mafia.
Daddy, all of that money doesn't go to the Mafia.
Well, about half.
Another half goes to the Jews, and the third half goes to the Pope.
You are so sick.
Hey, Little Girl, it's a well-known fact.
Look it up.
Ah-ah-ah! All right, Edith, come on.
Get up outta my chair.
I gotta sit down, read the bills, see how much they're taking me for this month.
Lemme get into my chair, will you? Archie, you oughta look for your pliers.
I'll sit in my chair until it comes to me where they are, that's all.
What is the matter with you? Sit down here! [GRUNTS.]
Lemme see this here telephone bill.
And them calls to-- Edith.
Edith, I-- That new underwear you bought me bunches up in the wrong spot.
Don't be listening to this! See, these-- [GRUNTS.]
Look at this, four calls over to Jersey.
I know where your pliers are! They're in the cellar, Archie.
[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY.]
You was using them when you broke the furna-- [CONTINUES MUTTERING.]
I mean, when you fixed the furnace.
Wait a minute.
Just come to me, I think my pliers is down the cellar, because I was using 'em that time that I busted-- adjusted the furnace.
All right, I'll see where they are, Edith.
I think I can find 'em.
Then I'll cure that noise in the toilet forever.
[YELLS.]
Ma, you're acting so funny today.
No, I ain't acting funny! You're hiding something.
No I ain't! What're you doing with your hand back there? No, nothing! Ma, something's under there, isn't it? Lemme see! [PROTESTING.]
[LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHING STOPS ABRUPTLY.]
How To Be Your Husband's Mistress? Shh! Archie'll hear ya! Ma, what're you doing with that book?! ARCHIE: Ahh, hot pipes, hot pipes! Be careful, Archie! Well? Well Well, they was talking about it on The Dinah Shore Show, and I figured if Dinah could read it, it was okay for me to read it, 'cause she ain't even been married lately.
Ma, I know all about this book.
It's just trashy.
It's full of all sorts of lies.
And it gives you advice to do ridiculous, kinky things to make yourself more attractive to your husband.
It's yucky! But the woman that wrote it claims that "yucky" saved her marriage.
Ma, is something wrong between you and Daddy? ARCHIE: Hey, Edith! [GASPS.]
Hey Edith, I'm afraid you're just gonna have to live with that noise of the float valve sucking wind up there.
'Cause if I don't have the right tools, I can't fix nothin' at all.
So that's it.
Dinner at six, huh? Where are you going, Archie? I think I'll nip down to Kelsey's for a little "aperatif"-- on draft.
Ma, is there something wrong between you and Daddy? Uh, excuse me, Gloria, I better go look for them pliers.
Ma, wait a minute, Ma, the best thing for a person to do when they're having a problem is to talk it over with the person they're having the problem with.
Can't you talk with Daddy? Oh, I can't talk to your father about it.
He won't listen.
I can't do it! You oughta listen to me! If you can't talk to him, who can? Not me! I'm not having a sex problem with Archie! Ma's gotta talk to him! Isn't it always easier for two men to talk about these things? Always.
But one of the men cannot be Archie.
I can't just say, "Hiya Arch, I understand you and Ma are having problems in the sack.
" Can't you be a little more delicate about these things? I don't know what you want, I don't even know what the problem is! Well, neither do I! Look, Gloria, just because Ma is reading a book about sex doesn't mean they're having a problem.
Well, they will, if she starts taking advice from that trashy book.
It tells wives to greet their husbands at the door wearing nothing but a garter belt and a dry martini.
Where is this book? [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
There's your delicate.
Look, I don't have time to discuss this, honey, I gotta take these books back to the library.
Michael, Daddy's at Kelsey's.
It's right on your way! I don't even know how to approach him about it! Gloria, look, you gotta understand, a male ego is a very fragile thing.
Yeah, but you talked to him about this kinda stuff before.
Don't you remember? Remember when you had your problem, and Daddy told you you were just "stuck in neutral"? I remember.
Well, he helped you, didn't he? What help? He told me to jog.
Come on, you can do it.
I can't, I can't! Yes you can.
Please? For me? Can't we just buy Archie a book? You know, Pat Boone's Twixt Twelve and Twenty? Or something? I just, I'm so embarrassed! It's embarrassing! You'll do an excellent job.
I'll be waiting for you with a martini! Well, don't just stand there.
You want to talk about something, sit down and talk about it.
Don't be a-scared or nothin', just spill it, whatever it is.
Well.
it's kind of a personal problem.
Ohh, jeez.
My generation never had these personal problems.
Boy, how lucky we was-- all we had was the Depression, Eleanor Roosevelt, and a bad team in Brooklyn.
Here's your beers, gents.
Thanks a lot.
But what is it? What's the problem? Yeah, what's your problem? Do you mind? No! Go ahead.
I hear all kinds of problems here.
It's about sex! Terrific! Ohhh Get outta here! Oh, excuse me.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Before we start, is this something we could maybe fix with a little joggin'? Arch, it's a little bit more complicated than that.
Oh, jeez.
With you it's always sex.
I don't know what it is.
One year you're off, the next year you're on-- you're either a monk or a mink.
You have such a sensitive way of putting things.
I always try to be sensitive about these here things.
Well, come on, what part of ya ain't workin' now? Ahh I don't know how to begin.
You forgot that? Arch what should I do if I found out that Gloria bought a book called How To Be Your Husband's Mistress? She bought that book? Well, let's just say she did.
Well, I'd raise hell with her! Why? She coulda checked it out for free at the library.
Uh, Arch, in this book, it tells how married couples should get the most out of--loving each other.
[GROANING.]
You know-- Well, let's put it this way.
You ever heard the expression "the Earth moved"? Aww, jeez, I hear that expression all the time on television, I read it in the magazines.
Lemme tell you something.
Maybe the Earth moved ten million years ago, when the dinosaurs were jumping on each other.
But not today.
Although I will say, when you was living over at our house there, the Earth was pretty solid, but I felt the upper floor moving a time or two.
Yeah.
Well, Arch-- Let's put it this way.
How do people know when they're satisfied? Oh, jeez.
All right, I--I'll try to give you an answer, see.
But I ain't gonna go into no details about "Geronimous" zones and the "floor play" and all of that.
Just ask yourself one simple question.
What's that? Well, you say to yourself, "Am I satisfied with this here?" If you feel yourself blushing, the answer's yes.
If you feel like you wanna throw up, the answer's no.
How do you usually feel? I don't talk about that! I wouldn't-a even told that naked in front of the Army doctors! H-have you ever been able to talk about this with Ma? No! No! You don't talk about a thing like this with your wife.
Why not? Because, Meathead, you talk about these things and you spoil all of, what do you call 'em, "mystiqueries" and things.
But Arch, if you can't talk about it with Ma, then how are you gonna ever know if things are good between you two? What are you talkin' 'bout your mother-in-law and me for? We're supposed to be talking about Gloria and you! Well, yeah, but-- Well, come on, get to it! Uhh--uhh--uhh-- Come on, state your point, you're wasting my time.
Get at it.
Listen to this guy, "Uhh, uhh," he sounds like a seal with his throat cut.
Uhh-- Come on, spit it out! Well, lately there hasn't been much blushing going on in this family, and I don't mean me and Gloria.
Figure it out.
I'm so embarrassed! Archie, you're home! Look, I found your pliers.
They was right in your tool box.
Why don't you take your hat and coat off? Because I am chilled, Edith.
Oh, you want me to put the heat up? No, I don't wanna be comfortable! Something the matter? Was you doin' any talking to the Meathead about you and me and your you-know-what? You-know-what what? Help me, Lord, help me, Lord.
Gimme a word.
Privacies, the privacies of the bedroom.
Oh! Ah, ding-ding-ding-ding! Oh, no, Archie! I would never talk to Mike about that! Gloria tried to-- Oh, Gloria! Now I understand the roundabouts of the whole thing! She was over here and you had a little woman-to-woman talk with your daughter.
Oh, no, I never.
Yeah, and then she went home, she had a little woman-to-man talk with her husband, then he trots down to Kelsey's and forces me into man-to-Meathead conversation with him.
I don't know what you're talking about! Ah, but you never talk a woman-to-man thing with your husband, huh? Oh, I would love to do that, Archie, but you never want to listen! Ahh, jeez! Would you? Noooo! And I wanna state here and now, for all time, Edith, "paragorically," we're gonna have no discussions between you and me about between you and me.
I will not let you talk ever about our sex life! And what the hell is wrong with it?! Nothin'.
I think.
What do you mean you "think"? Ain't I always there, huh? When you're in the mood? [COOS.]
Yeah, Archie, and even when I ain't.
Even when you ain't! How lucky can you get? I know.
[LAUGHS.]
I was always lucky about that.
Certainly you was always lucky about that! Even before we was married.
Who'd you get lucky with before we was married?! No Archie, I didn't mean that! I meant that before we was married, I had a long talk with my mother, [WINCES.]
see, and she said to me that there was one thing about marriage that I wasn't gonna like, but it was a wife's duty, and I thought she was talking about doing the laundry.
'Cause that's the only part of marriage that wasn't no fun.
Is this gonna be long, Edith? No.
So when I got preg-- Not a nice word, not a nice word! Oh, well, when I got in the family way with Gloria-- Better, better, better, yeah.
My mother said to me, "I see you're doing your duty as a wife.
" And then I knew what she meant! And I didn't have the heart to tell her that I liked it.
But you shoulda told the old lady that! I mean, maybe she woulda given me some kinda respect! Oh, no, never.
It woulda broke her heart.
[GROANING.]
Edith, but why does this suddenly-- now, after all these-- I mean, why does this suddenly come and blow on the windmills of your wind? [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Archie, remember when you had the date with that waitress? Oh, that's it! You're throwing that up to me! No, Archie, I ain't! You'll never let me off the hook for that for the rest of my life! It's gonna go on and on and on and on.
I know nothing happened! [INDISTINCT MUTTERING.]
I know nothing happened between you, but I thought I was gonna lose you, so I had to see her.
So I went down to the coffee shop-- Went down to the coffee shop! I didn't talk to her, Archie, I just looked at her! I had to see her to see what it was that attracted you to her, and I did! Oh, Edith, you went down there! She was pretty.
And young ger.
When I went home, I looked in the mirror and I seen wrinkles that I never seen before.
Wrinkles is doing all of this? Edith, lemme tell you something.
I seen wrinkles on that lady, but I don't see no wrinkles on you.
Oh, Archie.
Look closer.
Edith--Edith.
[MUTTERS.]
I'm looking as close as I can look without going cock-eyed.
And your face is as smooth as a baby's butt.
Archie, your eyes must be getting worse.
Well, all right, hey, how do you know Mother Nature didn't plan it all out that way? You know, right when people start getting older, you start getting wrinkled-y, maybe their eyes is supposed to start getting more "weakerer," so they can't see a lot of things that don't make no difference anyway, and it all comes out even in the end.
I ain't getting through.
Put it this way, Edith.
To these two eyes, weak as they may be, you are more beautiful than anybody I could think of.
Archie Do you think-- Do you feel that you've been missing something? [SIGHS.]
No, I mean-- Do I make you happy? Do you make me happy? Edith.
You make me happy in every way.
When it comes to making a guy happy, Edith, you wrote the book.
The book! Oh, oh! [LAUGHS.]
Oh, jeez, I'm glad you're laughing here.
I'm glad you're laughing.
For a minute there, I thought you was gonna start doing what you're doing now.
[CRIES.]
Here it comes, Niagra Falls coming around the corner once again! Aww, don't cry no more.
Oh, Edith, don't cry no more.
All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.