Friends s07e20 Episode Script

Out of all of us, who do you think will get married next? Probably Monica and Chandler.
Could I have a pack of Newport Lights? We don't sell cigarettes, but they do across the street.
That'd be great.
Thanks.
Melissa Worbert.
I don't think I have the energy for this.
Oh, my God! Ray-Ray Greene? You've been MIA for seven sorority newsletters.
What's up with you? Why don't I tell you over here? So last I heard you were gonna get married.
Poor Ray-Ray.
Oh, no.
It's all good.
- I actually work at Ralph Lauren.
- Shut up! I will not.
I'm the divisional head of men's sportswear.
Shut up more! Are you friends with Ralph? - Oh, please.
- Are you? No.
We have to have dinner.
What are you doing tomorrow? - Tomorrow.
I don't know.
- You're having dinner with me.
Shut up.
I've gotta go.
This has been so great.
Oh, there you are.
So listen, just call me.
Here's my card.
- You're in real estate? - No, that's an old card.
I got out of that to do something where I could help people and make a difference.
What do you do now? I'm a party planner.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Okay.
Look who's back.
It's Ray-Ray.
That was my friend, Melissa, from college.
She seems really, really fun! She's actually sweet, and we used to be very close.
Wait a minute.
She's not the one who you? Who you what? Who you what? - Yes.
- Wow! Wow, what? Who you what? Oh, it's not a big deal.
They were lovers.
- What? - What? No, we weren't.
It was nothing.
It was one night, senior year, and we went to a party had a lot of sangria, and you know, ended up kissing for a bit.
So that's two of my wives.
The One With Rachel's Kisses So this is where the band is.
And here's the bar.
And all these pins have people's names on them.
Rach, here you are.
Why don't we just put me with a Manhattan in my hand talking to the cute bartender.
These pins aren't for playing, are they? The red are my guests, and the blue are yours.
This is so sad.
I only have like 10 pins.
Chandler, relax.
It's not a contest.
Certainly not a close one.
Hey, Rach.
Stop picturing it! I think that's it.
The seating chart is done.
This is our wedding.
They all look like they're having fun.
So where are my parents gonna be? Well, if this is the wedding hall your parents would be over here at home in Queens.
They're not invited? Oh, no, they're gonna be crushed! Why would they think they're invited? You got me.
I don't .
- Joey! - Look, I thought parents were coming.
Your parents are coming.
Chandler's are coming.
Ross' parents are coming.
Ross' parents are my parents.
Well, see, parents are coming.
- We should invite them.
- You just want more blue pins.
Well, this is just sad.
All right.
Maybe I can fit them in if I just do some rearranging.
Rachel may have to sit at the bar.
That is not a problem.
- Maybe you'll order a little sangria.
- Get out of here! These are our tuxedos.
If you like anything, we can make a deal.
Anything at all.
But these are the three that Monica pre-approved.
Thanks a lot for hooking me up.
And I want you to know that I want you to attend our wedding as my guest.
I'm Monica's maid of honor.
Okay, don't try to blue-pin me.
- Well, these look nice.
- They are nice.
When celebrities are done with them, they send them back.
- You mean like for award shows? - Some of them.
They've been down the red carpet with people yelling "Who are you wearing? You look fabulous! " Might I suggest watching a little more ESPN and a little less E! .
Okay.
Who wore those? - Well, this one's Tom Brokaw.
- Not bad.
This one is Paul O'Neil.
Who's that? He plays for the Yankees.
Seriously, ESPN.
Just once in a while.
Have it on in the background.
- This one was Pierce Brosnan.
- Pierce Brosnan? Are you serious? This is James Bond's tux? I have to get married in James Bond's tux.
It's a pretty cool tux.
It's not just that.
I would be England's most powerful weapon.
A jet-setting heartbreaker on Her Majesty's secret service.
A man who fears no one, with a license to kill.
Would Monica let me wear this? We should really learn how to play the real way.
I like our way.
Chess! - Nice move.
- Yeah.
I hooked Ross and Chandler up with tuxedos.
Do you need one? No, I'm not wearing a tux.
- What are you gonna wear? - Multi-colored robes.
And maybe a hat.
- Does Monica know about this? - No.
Can I please be there when you tell her? You want to go to a movie tonight? I'm having dinner with Melissa.
Can I come? I won't talk.
You'll just hear my video camera.
- What? What's going on? - Can I tell her? Do you want what happened, or Joey's lewd version? Joey's.
I had this college friend and I made the mistake of telling Joey that one time she and l, you know, kissed a little bit.
Yeah, I'm sure that happened.
- It did.
- Sure.
Hey.
It happened.
It was senior year.
It was after the Sigma Chi luau and Melissa and I got very drunk.
And we ended up kissing.
For several minutes.
Which means she had a couple spritzers and a peck on the cheek.
Why are you taking this away from me? Why is it so hard for you to believe? Okay.
I just didn't know that you were a lesbian.
I'm not saying that I'm a lesbian.
I'm just saying that this happened.
It just seems pretty wild.
And you're so vanilla.
Vanilla? I'm not vanilla.
I do lots of crazy things.
I mean, I got drunk and married in Vegas.
To Ross.
If you don't believe me just come with me to dinner tonight and she'll tell you.
Okay.
Because I can't picture it.
You should get inside my head.
Guess what I got for your wedding? A freakishly thin date with a hanger for a head? Rachel hooked me up with a tux.
But not just any tux.
Batman's tux! - What? - That's right.
Made expressly for Val Kilmer, and worn by him in the hit film that Batman film he was in.
You can't wear that.
I'm wearing the famous tux.
If you wear that, it'll make mine less special.
You need something to to make it special? You have the most special thing of all.
You are marrying the woman you love.
Don't take away my cool thing.
Pretty please? "Pretty please?" Not very 007.
If you were getting married, I'd never do anything to upset you.
- You slept with my sister.
- That was pretty 007.
All right, I figured it out.
I'm gonna take 2 tables of 8, add your parents and make them into 3 tables of 6.
And I called the caterer.
We are good to go! Yeah.
They're not coming.
What? They think that you only invited them because of me.
They feel unwanted.
That's too bad.
It's true.
But too bad.
If you could just call my mom.
Just let her know you want them there.
This is a woman who has sent you many lasagnas.
No, she hasn't.
Is it her fault if some didn't make it to you? What am I gonna say? Tell them you mixed up invitations.
No, blame it on the post office.
They hate the post office.
And the Irish.
But I don't think you could blame it on them.
Hello? Yeah, hi.
Mrs.
Tribbianni? This is Monica Geller.
I'm just calling to say that I really hope you can make the wedding.
Apparently some of our invitations weren't delivered.
I guess there was some screw-up at the damn post office.
Tell me about it! Yeah, the U.
S.
Post Office? No.
More like U.
S.
Lost Office.
What are they, Irish? Anyway, his name's Allen.
And we've been going out for three years.
He was my first client when I became a party planner.
He was actually planning a party for his girlfriend at the time.
Oh, well.
- He was Theta Beta Pi at Syracuse.
- That's great.
- Were you ever in a sorority? - Of course.
Yes.
I was a Thigh Mega Tampon.
What one? We were huge too.
But they had to shut us down when Regina Phalangie died of alcohol poisoning.
Isn't it a shame when one girl ruins it for the whole bunch? Anyway .
Speaking of drinking too much, I told Phoebe about that crazy night after the Sigma Chi luau where we made out.
What? Remember we Come on, we had sarongs on and the coconut bikini tops.
We went back to the house and got really silly and we made out.
Wow, Ray-Ray, I have no idea what you're talking about.
Really? Ross is Batman.
Well, he did manage to keep his identity secret for a long time.
Rachel got Ross the tuxedo that Val Kilmer wore in Batman.
Batman is so much cooler than James Bond.
- What? 007 has all those gadgets.
- Batman has a utility belt.
- 007 has a fancy car.
- Batman has the Batmobile.
- 007 gets all the ladies.
- Batman has Robin.
We get ESPN, right? How about you go put on your 007 tuxedo, and I'll make you a martini? I don't like martinis.
- A Yoo-Hoo with a funny straw? - Yum.
I know the invitation says 6 p.
m.
But does that mean get there at 6, or the show starts at 6? The show? Right, the wedding.
Gotcha.
But weddings start a little late, right? Have you ever been to one of my weddings? Well, it's the same day as my niece's christening and I want my parents to see me.
My part's in the beginning.
I'm not in the rest of the show Wedding.
The wedding starts at 6.
Okay.
I totally hear you.
How about this? I vamp till they get there.
You'll "vamp"? Like warm up the crowd.
Ask where they're from.
In Joey Tribbianni, you get a minister and an entertainer.
I'm a "ministainer.
" There's no one better.
There's no one greater.
How can you not remember us kissing? I don't know.
I don't remember a lot of things that never happened.
Remember, we were on the sleeping porch? We couldn't stop giggling.
Our coconuts kept knocking together.
Somewhere Joey's head is exploding.
I don't want to make you uncomfortable but I told Phoebe it happened, and she doesn't believe me.
I'm sorry.
I mean, if I thought it happened, I would say it.
Maybe I passed out and you did stuff to me while I was sleeping.
It's okay, you don't have to do this.
I believe you.
If you say you kissed Melissa, then you kissed Melissa.
- Thank you, Phoebe.
- Okay.
- But she didn't.
- I know.
You carry that around? I find it to be something of a conversation piece.
- Between you and? - Gunther.
Why don't we put them on? Get a picture of Batman and James Bond, together.
I would, but my pants are a little tight.
A little tight? I could see 00 and 7 in those things.
I was looking forward to wearing our celebrity tuxes together.
- So you're not gonna be wearing yours? - Are you kidding? It's Batman's tux! Let me try it on.
Okay.
But just the jacket.
Holy double-vented comfort, Batman! What's this? An invitation to the At First Sight premiere? Val Kilmer didn't wear this in Batman.
He wore it to the premiere of a fruity love story where he was a blind guy.
Let me see that.
Oh, man.
The only super power you have is the slightly heightened sense of smell.
Can I talk to you guys for a second? I give up.
Whatever you want, you can have it.
You want to sing a song or do a dance? You want your mom at the altar screaming racial slurs? I don't care.
I just want to thank you guys for what you did for my parents.
They're so happy to be a part of your special day.
Tell them we're glad they're coming.
I will.
Oh, check out what they got me to wear for the ceremony! I wear it like this when I marry you guys.
And then this is for party time.
It happened.
I am telling you it happened.
It was great meeting you.
And, Rachel? I don't think I'll be calling you because you know, you've gotten weird.
Take care, you guys.
Wait a minute.
Okay, look.
That night was the one wild thing I've ever done in my life.
I won't let you take it away.
So if you don't remember that, maybe you'll remember this .
Oh, my God.
You love me.
What? Of course I remember.
I think about it all the time.
I can still hear the coconuts knocking together .
I didn't want to tell you, because I didn't think you'd return my love .
Look who's being suddenly shy.
You have to feel what I feel.
Nobody can kiss that good and not mean it.
I'm just a good kisser.
Shut up.
I'm sorry.
You don't have to be sorry.
I'm obviously kidding.
I'm not in love with you.
I'm not in love with her.
I don't hear coconuts banging together.
I don't picture your face when I make love to my boyfriend.
Anyway, I gotta go.
A kiss goodbye? No? Okay.
I mean, I had no idea that that would .
What the hell was that? Just wanted to see what all the fuss was about.
- And? - I've had better.
I found one that fits.
Well, you know what they say? Look at you, all handsome.
- Whose is it? - Does it matter? All that matters is that you look so handsome.
- Whose is it? - I don't want to say.
Come on, I don't care.
Whose is it? Diane Keaton.