M*A*S*H (MASH) s07e20 Episode Script

[Man On p.
A.
.]
Attention.
Attention, all personnel.
The Mess Tent is closed this afternoon for the medical staff meeting.
Unfortunately, it will reopen for dinner at 1700 hours.
Meeting will come to order.
Any old business? - Yeah.
Can I go home? - Get behind Klinger.
New business.
Any gripes, now's the time to squawk.
- Thank you, Major.
I have your list.
- Once again I must protest the almost criminal lack of privacy in this camp.
Can't we have separate latrines for every officer over the rank of captain? - Yeah, and you and Margaret can build it.
- My turn.
Triage.
There's too much discussion out there.
Make up your minds, then act on it.
- I do my part, but nobody listens to me.
- You, for instance.
Don't take case histories.
Just diagnose your man, then move on.
- Major Houlihan.
- What did I do? Margaret, put away your paranoia.
The colonel is obviously picking on everybody.
Tell your nurses not to be shy about hauling a litter if they have to.
- Some of them are stronger than I am.
- Can I have their names? Mail call, sir.
Should I leave it in my office, or can I disturb you now? - [Requests For Mail.]
- Radar, later, later.
I'll leave this picture postcard of your grandson on your desk.
- Uh, mail call, folks.
- I move the meeting be adjourned.
- Second.
- Third.
- Motion carries.
- See you next year in Atlantic City.
- Wow! Look at that little Corey.
What a moose.
Yeah.
He weighs 56 pounds.
He's walkin' around like crazy and he likes to catch bugs and eat 'em.
[Laughs.]
That's all I read, sir.
And your daughter sends her love.
- I'm divorced.
- Huh? It's official.
This is my final divorce decree.
- I'm officially divorced.
- Congratulations, Margaret.
Or condolences.
Whichever the case may be.
- Margaret, it's what you wanted, isn't it? - [BJ.
.]
Margaret? - Yes, yes! I've been waiting for months.
- [Helicopters Whirring.]
Uh-oh.
Choppers.
Loaded.
All right.
I gave you the halftime pep talk.
Now go get 'em.
Sorry to spoil your celebration, ma'am.
- Miss Houlihan, you're on.
- Yeah, yeah.
I just can't get over this good news.
Right.
Come on, Winchester.
That's what I was talking about.
Get your rear in gear.
I appreciate your concern for speed, but I always like to get Let me put it this way move! You do have a way with words.
[Chattering.]
[Chattering.]
- Ooh! Gee, I'm sorry! Excuse me.
- Looks like I hit the rush hour.
Things are kind of bad 'cause of the war.
I'm Lieutenant Linda Nugent, your new nurse.
Just tell me what to do and where to go.
Oh, right.
Major Houlihan! She'll tell you where to go.
She's good at that.
Major Houlihan, may I introduce you to our new Nugent who's I mean, this is, uh, Lieutenant Nugent, our new nurse.
Stow your gear and report to me immediately.
Uh, I'm the company clerk around here.
If there's anything you need, I'm the guy you come and get it from.
Oh, thanks.
It's always nice to have a friend.
Oh, yeah.
Well, it's always nice to be had.
Major Houlihan, I have a bleeder here.
- Will you help me stem the tide please? - Yes, Doctor.
Get your rear in gear, Margaret.
Isn't that how it goes, Colonel? I don't want your respect, Winchester, just your love.
More suction.
We are treated like chattel here.
Tote that barge.
Lift that gurney.
Speak your mind, you need an attorney.
[Laughing.]
- Why aren't you laughing, Margaret? - More sponges here.
- You're marvelous company today, Margaret.
- [Hawkeye.]
Relax, Charles.
She's got a bleeder of her own.
And this is the O.
R.
, which, of course, we use as an operating room.
This war is getting very popular.
Every half hour, another tour.
Radar, on your way out, drop these by the gift shop, will you? - These guys love to kid ya.
- All right, Corporal.
I'll take over from here.
Uh Uh If you like, ma'am, I can show her the ropes myself.
- But who's going to show you? - He doesn't mean it.
- Get out.
- But she does.
Major, I've heard a lot about the 4077 th and I'm really proud to be a part of it.
Just pay attention, and you'll catch on as we go along.
That divorce decree's got her numb from the neck up.
Maybe we should invite her over to the Swamp later for a glass of antifreeze.
Nah.
I think what she needs right now is people.
Let's take her someplace where there's music and noise and laughter.
Hey, think we can get into the Copa dressed like this? [Piano.]
Coming here was really a great idea.
I want to thank you guys for helping me to forget.
Glad to help.
Forget what? - You know, my ex-husband, what's-his-name.
- [Both Laughing.]
- Margaret, we just want you to cheer up.
- Yeah, let's get happy here.
Father, can you play something snappy? How about "Lullaby of Broadway?" That's what I'm playing now.
That's okay, Father.
Anytime you can get around to it.
You know, I gotta tell you.
When I first looked at those divorce papers it was like a part of me had died.
And now, after the shock has worn off I realize I've got my whole life ahead of me! Margaret, don't talk that way.
You've got your whole life ahead of you.
Say, you gotta take life by the tail and and and yank it until it squeals.
[Squealing.]
[Continues.]
Father, could you play something smooth? It gets smoother in a minute.
- Radar! - Oh, hi.
I just came in.
I wasn't just standing here staring at you.
Honest.
I'm trying to find a song to dance to.
That guy at the piano doesn't play very well.
Oh, that's Father Mulcahy.
He's our chaplain.
He doesn't play so lousy once you get to know him.
- Do you dance, Radar? - Uh, no.
Football knee.
- You played football? - Well, not very much.
I had a bad knee.
Um, Lieutenant, I was just wondering.
- If you're not - Nugent, there you are.
Hi.
- Hi, Lieutenant.
- How did you like your first day? I'll learn to love it by the time I leave.
- I heard you're from Pennsylvania.
Whereabouts? - Harrisburg.
- I'm from Beaver Falls.
- No kidding? Wow! We had a casualty from Harrisburg once.
- We're practically neighbors.
- He was from Harrisburg, Montana, however.
- Come on.
We got fudge going in our tent.
- He had trench foot.
- The first bull session starts in two minutes.
- Oh, great! It was touch and go there for a while, but, uh, we pulled him through.
- Let's have another drink.
- Mmm.
Sic transit, Donald Penobscott.
- The king is dead.
- Long live the queen.
You bet.
[Knocking On Door.]
Colonel? Colonel Potter? Radar, if it isn't incoming wounded, you better run and hide.
Radar, what are you - Margaret.
Margaret? - Colonel, I need to talk to you.
Have you dropped all your beans? It's the middle of the night.
I know it's late, sir, but I've just realized something that changes my whole perspective on life! Colonel, the army is my career! - Ohh.
- Colonel! Colonel! I guess I've always known it, but I just couldn't see it because I kept getting lost in all those men Donald, and then before him, Frank, and then before him - I remember.
I remember.
- And now I finally realize that I don't need anybody else to help me live my life.
I'm in control! And I'm going as far in this man's army as any woman can go.
- Maybe even general! - With the general's permission I'd like to get a little sleep, ma'am.
So, for starters, I've got a few ideas about how we can improve things around here.
- Efficiency-wise, I mean.
- Whatever you want, you got it.
- Really? - Good night.
Oh, thank you, Colonel! [Yelps, Grunts.]
[Knocking On Door.]
Morning.
I brought you some coffee.
Pour it in me or over me.
I won't know the difference.
Oh, that water's loud.
- I knew you'd need it.
I made it black.
- Uh-huh.
- And kept it hot.
And kept it hot and black.
- Uh-huh.
Oh, that's good.
If you came to watch, I'll be drying my knees next.
- You'll want to stick around for that.
- No, no.
I came in to ask you, uh, well I figured with your experience, you know, that, uh, l If anybody would know, you'd know.
Radar, what is it you're trying not to say? I came to ask you a question about, uh, women.
Oh.
Get under a cold shower, and I'll tell you.
No, it's nothing like that.
- How could you even think that about Lieutenant Nugent? - Oh, Lieutenant Nugent.
- Oh.
Nice girl.
- Yeah.
I'd say more, but you might hit me.
Hawkeye, she doesn't even know I'm alive.
But I sure know she is.
You know, I make excuses just to be with her.
I even stole a lightbulb from her tent so she'd need one, and I could bring it to her.
What a rogue.
Radar, what you've got to do is calm down.
- You're all aquiver.
- What do you mean? I'm calm.
Let her put in her own lightbulb.
I can't, Hawkeye.
She's about the swellest girl I ever saw.
Radar can I be glib with you? I think so.
Sometimes women are like bread.
You gotta leave 'em alone to get a rise out of them.
Wow.
You sure about that? Take it from an old pastry cook.
You gotta relax.
Give her a chance to notice you.
You really think that would work? If it does, let me know.
I'll try it.
Thanks a lot.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Colonel.
Good morning, sir.
Regarding what we talked about last night in your tent, sir - Oh? - About your future? - Uh-oh.
- Cork it, Pierce.
Well, I'm preparing a rigorous training program for my nurses to enable them to handle all of triage, freeing the doctors for O.
R.
Nurses taking over triage? Some of those diagnoses can get pretty involved.
Major Winchester has kindly volunteered his services to instruct them.
- Oh, swell.
- They're all gonna talk like him.
Might not be a bad idea, Margaret.
In a couple of months, we could have the crack staff of the Far East.
- We might even take the pennant.
- I was thinking in terms of days, not months, sir especially since Lyle is coming on Saturday.
- Lyle? - Saturday? - General Lyle Weiskopf - Chief of Staff of - I know who he is.
He's flying here at my request to review our new program.
You invited a major general without my permission especially that two-star pain in the butt? We can't train nurses in three days.
Believe me, I've tried.
Can't you see this is gonna be good for all of us? - Especially one of us.
- What's wrong with that? I'm anxious to start my new life.
If that's all you want, I'll turn you upside down and spank you on the fanny.
Look, Major, I'm glad you found something to clear up your divorce blues but how could you pull such a bonehead play? The last thing we need around here is a snooping general.
When he gets here, he can snoop all he wants.
We're gonna be ready.
I promise.
Absolutely not.
I won't permit it.
It's too late.
He's already accepted.
It's gonna be a real fun weekend.
"Triage" is a French word from the verb "trier' meaning to sift or separate.
There are three priorities: Those who need care at once in order to be saved those who can wait, and those who [Chuckles.]
are beyond hope.
They know what triage is, Major.
If you wish to heckle, Major Houlihan, please go to a nightclub.
Just get on with it, will you? Here we have a head injury.
A Lilly Dache head injury.
The patient is obviously delirious indicating a possible subdural hematoma.
- Priority? - First, right? I did not ask the patient.
Priority first.
- See? I knew I was right.
- Next.
From the patient's rigid condition we might assume that he is in an advanced state of shock.
However, there is no apparent injury.
He merely complains that his left shoulder hurts.
- Uh, yeah, my left shoulder hurts.
- We are puzzled by this.
On further examination we observe a purple area over the left quadrant upper.
Blunt trauma.
Possible ruptured spleen.
Moral: Never be fooled.
Now, over here we have a chest case Hi, Radar.
How ya doing? - [Whistling.]
- Radar? Oh, hi.
Oh, gee, I'm sorry.
I didn't notice you.
I'm just very relaxed.
Oh, you're supposed to be unconscious.
No, I'm not unconscious.
I'm just very calm.
- Radar, are you mad at me or something? - No.
No, I'm not mad at you.
Why would you think I was - Geez, now I'm getting nervous.
- Maybe I just better leave you alone.
Oh, no! No, you don't have to.
I'm not "nervous" nervous.
I'm just sort of a relaxed state of nervous.
Gee! Atten-hut! Prepare for inspection! Ladies and gentlemen, General Lyle Dumbkopf.
Thank you, Cato.
Where are the girls? - Where are the girls? - You want girls? You want girls? You, suck in that gut! Throw out that chest! - You stay just the way you are! - [Shrieks.]
- Get away from me! - Let's have a major skirmish.
Play this comic opera elsewhere.
- "Comic opera"? - We are busy here.
Shall I have him shot, mon général? Shooting is too good for him.
Lock him in the kitchen.
That's it.
Get out.
Get out of here! - Cato, sound retreat.
- [Whistling.]
- Out! - I shall not return.
- [Shouting.]
- Come on! Out! Can we just get on with it? Sir, are you busy? I'm never too busy for rude interruptions.
- What is it? - Uh, yeah.
I got something on my mind.
- And you'd like it removed? - Huh? - Get on with it.
- Um, what I wanted to ask is, uh If you wanted to impress this girl that you're really impressed with what would you do then? Gee, that certainly is a challenging question but isn't Pierce handling that particular phase of your interminable childhood? Look, sir, if you don't want to help me, just say so.
I just come in here 'cause I know you know a lot of fancy words and stuff.
- You know, like "ettiquit.
" - "Ettiquit.
" [Clicks Tongue.]
Yes, I see.
[Clears Throat.]
Well, if there were a girl whose interest I wanted to capture first, I would find out what that interest was.
Then I would proceed to dazzle her with my expertise.
Suppose she had a penchant for Shakespeare.
In that event, I would take her into a moonlit garden say, the empty minefield behind O.
R and whisper in her shell-like ear "But soft, what light through yonder window breaks.
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon!" That is what I would do.
I have not the slightest idea what you will do.
All right.
Come on.
Come on! General Weiskopf will be here in two hours, and I want perfection.
- [Men Groaning.]
- Or better! - Excuse me, Major.
But speaking on behalf of the more seriously wounded they'd like to stretch their legs and use the, uh, facilities.
All right, all right.
Just keep it organized.
- The most urgent cases go first.
- Bless you, Major.
Oh, Lyle! He's not supposed to be here yet! - General, welcome to the 4077 th.
- Atten-hut! Impressive, Major, impressive.
Oh, please, have the wounded remain as they were.
No, they're not wounded, sir.
They're demonstrators for the mock triage.
Triage, eh? Of course.
At ease, everybody.
At ease.
- Margaret, it's very nice to see you again.
- You, too, Lyle.
This program is so important to me.
I can't thank you enough for coming.
- I can't thank you enough for asking.
- Thank you.
- No, thank you.
- General Weiskopf.
- Good to see you again, sir.
- Uh-huh.
You got some big potholes in the road back there.
Real kidney punchers.
Hope you get 'em filled in by the time I leave.
And when will that be, General? I don't know.
There's a lot to see here.
- Major, why don't you brief me on this new plan of yours? - Yes, sir.
Sherman, I'd like to go over your table of organization.
Things seem to be a little loose around here.
Ah! General, catch! - Oh, Klinger! - I see Uh Who or what is that? Just the guy who fills in the potholes, General.
- Hi, Lieutenant.
Are you busy? - Very.
The general's here, and I've got to get this organized for Major Houlihan.
- Right.
You like rabbits? - Radar, please, I have to finish.
- Do I like what? - Rabbits.
I just thought it was something you might be interested in.
You know, for instance, rabbits never swallow what they chew right away.
They wait and hold it until it's mush in their cheeks for a while.
- No kidding? - Yeah.
You know why they wiggle their noses? - To shoo away pests.
- No, but that's a good answer.
Radar, please, I have to finish.
You're right.
Maybe we could meet later and you could tell me some stuff that you thought up.
- Radar, please! - [Man On p.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
Incoming choppers.
This is not a drill.
- It's the real thing, folks.
- I'm sorry.
I don't have time to talk right now.
Lacerated femoral.
Start him on plasma.
Get him right into O.
R.
Make sure you get that dressing nice and tight again.
- All right, Kellye, what've you got? - Compound fractured femur.
- I've ordered blood.
He can wait.
- Good diagnosis, Kellye.
- Oh, Doctor.
! - Yeah, I'm all yours.
A probable pneumothorax, but I can't be sure.
That's what he's got.
Good work, Doc.
Corpsman, pneumothorax, first priority.
Keep it moving.
I've checked the nurses' diagnoses.
They can handle it.
Let's get inside and scrub.
Potter, a hell of a nursing staff you got here.
- I'm impressed.
- You should be.
Major, good work.
Thank you, sir.
There's more wounded here! Let's get to them! Boy, I'm beat.
I can't believe O.
R.
Could go on that long.
Would've been longer if we hadn't helped out in triage.
- We were great, weren't we? - Yeah.
- [Knocking On Door.]
- Come on in.
- Hi, Radar! - Hi.
Lieutenant Baker, I would like to speak to Lieutenant Nugent, alone.
I won't take no for an answer.
Unless you pull rank on me, in which case I'll just wait outside here even though you're both lieutenants, and I won't go away either.
Well, Corporal Hellcat.
I'll be outside if you need me.
That goes for you too.
- Well, we're officially alone, Radar.
- Right.
Listen, uh, you probably haven't noticed or anything but, uh, I've been trying like heck for you to like me.
I've tried everything I know and all that other stuff and I'm I'm tired of trying.
I want to get one thing straight.
Do you want to go out with me or not? - Yes.
- Fine.
Then we'll just forget it.
- If I'm not good enough for you You do? - I said, "yes.
" - You did? - Yes! Well, how come you didn't say so before? You never asked before.
Oh, yeah.
I guess I was always too busy thinking up stuff to say, you know, to impress you.
Radar, you don't have to impress me.
I think you're nice when you're unimpressive.
Gee, thanks.
Wow! That's about the swellest thing anybody ever said to me.
Oh, Lyle, I was so proud of my nurses today.
I was proud of you.
You know, it all flows down from the top just like this twelve-year-old scotch.
They did everything so beautifully.
Here's a toast to you, Margaret, and your wonderful staff.
- Now, let's talk about you.
- Oh, no.
We've talked enough about me.
- And your future.
- What about me? I have an opening on my nursing staff in Tokyo for a lieutenant colonel.
- But I'm only a major.
- Here you're a major, but in Japan We could do wonderful things together.
We sure could.
A triage program for all the nursing units in Korea.
- If we have time.
- Oh, Lyle! First, the divorce, and now this.
L It's like a wonderful door has been opened up on my life.
The door was always open, Margaret.
All you had to do was walk in.
It'll be like old times.
Romantic suppers at the Officers Mess and cool night strolls through the cherry blossoms.
Then, up to my billet for a nightcap and a game of escaped convict and the warden's wife.
Is that what this promotion talk is all about? Oh, no.
No, no, no.
The promotion's legit.
I'll make you a colonel.
A colonel in charge of what, your boudoir? I'm a head nurse and a damn good one! What do you think that demonstration was all about, anyway? At ease, Major.
You know how the game is played.
- You rub my back, and I'll rub yours.
- I'll rub my own back, thank you.
How dare you assume such a thing! Oh, come on, Margaret.
I know you better than that.
You have the talent.
I have the clout.
Let's get together and have a few laughs.
You haven't been listening to me, General.
I'm not a pushover anymore.
Get yourself another clay pigeon.
You're gonna hate yourself in the morning.
Get out of my tent, General.
- Are you sure? - Out! And that's an order! Okay, Major.
Here's to me.
[Soft Jazz.]
[No Audible Dialogue.]
[Whooping, Wolf Whistles.]
So, Radar, you wanna dance? Uh, no, I don't think I'd better.
You know, my bad knee.
Radar, I'm a nurse.
If anything happens, I can take care of you.
Well, yeah.
I guess in that case, I can take a chance.
- Ready? - Uh, yeah, for anything.
[Continues.]
Why is everyone watching us? Oh, are they? Well, I guess it's, uh, 'cause I come in here with a lot of girls and they always like to see who I'm with.
Radar, not again.
Or maybe it's just 'cause I'm here with the prettiest girl in camp.
[No Audible Dialogue.]