All In The Family s07e21 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days [WHISTLING.]
[GRUNTS.]
Close the door! Learn who goes first, will ya? You dragged us through three cars already.
What're you looking for, a room with a view? You gotta be careful when you're selecting a seat on the subway, Meathead.
You don't wanna sit back there, there was a gang war going on in the third car back! What--what gang war? There were three kids fighting for a strap to hold on to.
If you went back there now, I bet you'd see the little one hanging from that strap.
And what about the flasher in this last car, huh? The guy had a broken zipper.
Sure.
It was all wore out playing showtime.
This car looks fine, I'm sitting down.
No, no, no, don't do that, don't do that! Come with me, come with me.
What is the matter? Don't you know a "prevert" when you see one? What makes you think he's a pervert? Would you say he was a pimp? No.
Would you say he was a mugger? No.
Would you say he was a pusher? No, Daddy.
Then there's nothing left but "prevert.
" Why can't he just be a normal human being? 'Cause he's riding the subway.
We're riding the subway.
But we know what we are.
Maybe he thinks you're the "prevert.
" I'm sure he does.
All "preverts" think I'm a "prevert.
" What do you wanna do, run a security check on this car? Come on, come on.
Can we find a seat, please, somewhere? There's a wino down here slopped over four seats.
We'll get them.
Hey, why don't you take the single seat on the other side of the car there? I don't wanna, fatso.
See, winos always call me "fatso," they see double.
Now, wino, if you don't get your butt out of this seat, I'm gonna lift it outta there with my foot! Arch, Arch, take it easy, will ya? We ain't got no seats! There's three seats over there.
There's no seats there.
There are three right over there.
There's three seats over there, and it's lucky for you.
Coulda took a belt at you.
I oughta belt you for general principles.
Daddy, sit down.
Come on.
You're so mean to people, calling him a wino.
Well, what'd you expect me to call him? He is a wino.
You're a wino, ain't you? Yeah.
Why can't you be nice? Why does your first instinct always have to be violence? I'm only human, Meathead.
And to be human is to be violent.
Archie, you just can't go around belting people.
The man over there is sick.
What if he was in a wheelchair? Would you belt him if he was in a wheelchair? It's a stupid question.
If he was in a wheelchair, who the hell wants his seat? Besides, it's bad luck to sit in a wheelchair.
Where did you ever hear it was bad luck to sit in a wheelchair? If you don't believe me, ask any guy in a wheelchair.
Look, all I know is there's no excuse for hitting people.
What do you know about anything, huh? You only ride the buses there all the time.
I ride these subways.
Sheesh, the subway.
You know, New York is the only city in the world that has a Skid Row that moves all over town.
I'm riding it all the time, and on my day off, youse two have to drag me to see a house way up the end of the world.
The Bronx is not the end of the world.
Oh, jeez.
Well, it smells like the end of something.
Who asked you to come with us? I had to come with youse to keep an eye on youse.
a couple of dopes like you might make a mistake.
What do you want another house for, anyway? You got a perfectly good house, right alongside of me.
Why would you wanna move? See, you can't answer that question.
Stay put, huh? Now last year about this time, the two of you was thinking about moving to Minnesota.
And then this year, you wanna move up to the Bronx, which is ten times worse! What's wrong with the Bronx? "What's wrong with the Bronx?" Don't you know why they call it "the Bronx"? 'Cause it ain't fit to live in.
They call it the Bronx because it was named after a Scandinavian settler, Jonas Bronck.
Well, that ain't the way I heard it.
I heard that "Bronx" was an old Indian word that meant "Hey Chief, look, the trees is dead.
" Daddy, you just don't like the idea of us living there because you'd have to take the subway to come see us.
I ain't thinking about myself, Little Girl.
I'm thinking about your poor mother.
Every time she'd wanna see Joey, have to take more than an hour's trip way up to the Bronx there to see him on this thing here.
Between the gropers and the flasher, by the time she'd get there, she'd be a woman of the world.
It doesn't make any difference anyway, because we can't afford the down payment.
That's right.
[BRAKES GRINDING.]
Hey, how come we're not moving? We ain't moving because the train stopped.
In the tunnel, it always does that.
I wonder what's wrong.
I'll tell you what's wrong, sister.
There's something wrong with this whole stinking, rotten, maggot-infested, corrupt system, which sucks the lifeblood out of the honest sweat of oppressed workers.
[MUTTERING.]
This is the third time we've been stopped this morning.
But you see, that's what happens when the money-grubbing fascists control the power, choking off the life-blood of the people! Well, you brung that on yourself, Little Girl.
Don't never talk communism in public.
What'd I say that was communism? You said something was wrong, didn't you? Oh, we're moving again.
Oh, what a dumbbell I am.
Give up my Sunday to go all the way up there to look at a house that youse can't afford to buy anyhow.
Cute little house though, wasn't it, honey? Yeah, yeah.
Something you never see, too, a fireplace right in the bedroom.
Hey, that would be cozy on cold winter nights, huh? Yeah.
Come on, come on, come on, don't be mouth-kissing on a moving train.
That's dangerous, after what I paid for her teeth! What're you sitting over there for? Get away from me, Howard.
I don't wanna sit near you, I don't wanna know you.
Please don't make a scene in public.
Hey, do you mind? What's your name? Howard? Get the flowers outta my face.
Come on, this is a subway car, it ain't a hearse.
Mister, these flowers are for my mother.
Oh, well, you got my sympathies.
Ah, she's alive.
Give me the sympathies.
Will you shut up? No.
[COUGHS.]
Your husband's gassed, ain't he? Oh, you noticed.
I am not gassed.
You're gassed! (BOTH WHISPERING.]
Michael.
Ignore them.
He says he ain't gassed.
I can smell it from over here.
His breath is strong enough to turn over a windmill on a can of Dutch Cleanser.
Where did you get that breath of yours? Oh, not where he got his.
I ate a frankfurter.
[BURPS.]
Up in the Bronx.
'Scuse me, would you mind moving over a little? Come--oh, come on, move, what's taking you-- Hey, that's my newspaper! Oh, I don't know that.
Hey listen, remember, when we get to my mother's house, don't talk.
She hates your voice.
You know what I hate about your mother? Her son.
Oh, I got it, you're talking about me.
Well, you're her only son.
Figure it out.
Listen, my mother was good enough to invite us over for dinner.
So you're gonna go, you're gonna be nice to her, and you're gonna eat.
Who can eat? She keeps taking her teeth out and rinsing them in her seltzer.
You keep on talking like that, and you'll be able to do the same thing.
[BOTH WHISPERING.]
I don't believe this.
Ignore them.
A lot of old ladies rinse their teeth in anything that's handy.
Can't we move? What do you wanna move for? This is gonna be fun here.
This is what you call on your airplanes your "middle of the flight" entertainment.
Oh, we stopped again.
I hate it when the train stops in the tunnel.
It's like a little taste of death while you're still living.
We'll all be tasting death as long as we are trapped by the international banking czars and their lackeys, the oil-rich sheikhs.
Well, he's better than the "hairy" Krishnas, howling and playing "tangerines.
" Ah, here's the conductor now.
Hey, conductor there, this here train is stopped.
Yeah.
It's like a bad dream, ain't it? Uh, how long are we gonna be stuck here? We may have to wait a while.
Well, what are we waiting for? For somebody to loan New York more money.
Oh.
Leave that alone.
Gimme your purse! What do you want it for? Gimme your purse! What'd you do with my bottle? I threw it away.
What?! She threw his booze away.
Where? That's terrible! We'll get you their address.
We're gonna get off at the next stop and we're going to the first liquor store.
The liquor stores are closed on Sunday.
Your liver could use a day off.
Your head could use another shot with the flowers.
[BOTH WHISPERING.]
I can't stand this.
Ignore them! Can't we move? 'Cause somebody's gonna get hurt.
Well, it ain't gonna be us.
Meantime, we'll have lots of laughs till we change trains at Grand Central.
For your mother, you get flowers.
For me, nothing.
Flowers, you want? Here's flowers.
Some people are allergic, you know! My knight in shining armor.
Staggers home every night and passes out on the couch.
Can't even make it to the bedroom.
Well, booze blinds the angel of sex.
Maybe the couch is a hell of a lot warmer than sleeping with you! I'd say you're hard to please, buddy.
She ain't half bad.
Then why don't you spend all your nights on the couch? You're just as useful there are you are in bed.
Now there's a kick in the "groan.
" What did you say? She said you're a busted balloon.
Listen, I don't have to take any more of this from you.
Marcia, remember all the days I used to say that some day, some day I'm gonna kill you? Yeah? Well, today is the day! I'm gonna kill you! I've had it with you! [INDISTINCT YELLING.]
Help her! [YELLING CONTINUES.]
[YELLING.]
Honey, get off him! Michael, what happened?! I hit him! It's the first time my life I ever hit anybody! Oh, my God, you killed him! MARCIA: You killed him! MARCIA: You killed him! Howard, speak to me! I didn't mean to-- I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! All ya done was belt him.
I didn't mean it.
He's not waking up! He's dead! Ah, he's better off dead than being under the oppressive yoke of capitalistic tyranny! A lowly puppet, his strings being manipulated by Wall Street! Well, you shut up?! What did I do? All you done was belt him.
Wait a minute-- I think his eye twitched.
Elevate his head! Nah, don't elevate his head, he'll swallow his tongue.
Gotta elevate the feet.
Feet! No, elevate his head! Here, wrap him up so he won't go into shock.
I'll loosen his belt so he can breathe.
Thank you.
What about mouth-to-mouth resuscitation? Do that.
I can't-- my bridgework is loose.
I know how to do that! He don't need fumes! Get away from him, wino! No! You said you were gonna loosen his belt, not lift his wallet! It just fell on the floor! I was only trying to protect it.
Did you see that? He's not a "prevert," he's a pick-pocket! He's a "prevert" turned pick-pocket.
WOMAN: Howard, please, please, I'm sorry, please come to! Gloria, I-- Will somebody do something!? Gloria, I didn't mean it! All youse done was belt him! Don't worry, Michael, he'll be okay.
I think he needs a doctor! Yeah, is there a doctor here? We need a doctor! Is there a doctor in this car? In this car there's bound to be a bunch of 'em.
What do you want, a brain surgeon? a "rearologist" or what? Maybe a nurse or a veterinarian, a pharmacist? A pharmacist? Howie is a pharmacist! God, what did I do? All ya done was belt him.
He's gonna be all right, Michael, he's breathing.
Now maybe there's a doctor in another car.
Let's go look for one.
All right.
Should he really leave the scene of the crime? I mean no offense, but you are a murderer.
I'm not a murderer! All ya done was belt him.
What about artificial respiration? Can you do that? No.
Will you shut up? I'll do it, I'll do it! No! You get away from him! Don't you push my husband! Oh, she got me in the in-grown, in the in-grown! [YELLING.]
I'm gonna go get a doctor! You don't have to look in another car! Shh! My husband here is a doctor.
Shut up, Clarice! I will not shut up! Get over there and help that man! Pay no attention to this woman, she's totally insane.
I'm taking her to Bellvue.
Wait a sec, mister, hold on! If you're a doctor, you gotta help him.
He's hurt! How do you know he's hurt? Are you a doctor? You coward! What if I were lying there? You'll find out when it happens.
Wait a second! You took the Hippocratic Oath! I also took an oath to my insurance company.
I pay 15,000 a year for malpractice coverage.
If I touch this guy and something goes wrong, I'll be emptying bed pans at the free clinic.
Come on, Clarice.
Who needs you anyway? You couldn't be a good doctor if you're down here riding the subway.
All the good doctors are up in the fresh air riding around in Lincoln "Contirentals.
" If you're gonna leave, at least tell us what to do! All right! Get him to a doctor.
Let's hear it for the medical profession, Little Girl.
[BOTH BLOW RASPBERRIES.]
Howard, Howard, I'm so sorry.
MARCIA: I'm sorry for everything.
Huh, now she's sorry.
False grief.
Look, look, he's moving! He's coming to! Oh, thank God! Come on, honey, sit down.
See, it's all over now.
It's not all over, I attacked a man! All ya did was belt him.
Here, take your coat.
Thanks.
Can you please sit back and give him some air? In a subway? I happen to be a lawyer.
I saw the whole thing and I think you got a terrific law suit.
Assault and battery with intent to kill.
It's a lead pipe cinch.
Thank you, but my brother Norman happens to be a lawyer.
He'll handle this for us, so get lost.
Look, I saw the whole thing, and I think you got a terrific case.
This is a perfect example of self-defense.
It's a lead pipe cinch.
Get outta here, will you? No one's grateful for help these days.
Let's hear it for the legal profession, Little Girl.
[BOTH BLOW RASPBERRIES.]
Hey, fella, you, This is gonna be the sorriest day you ever had! HOWARD: Gonna haul you in court and sue you for every cent you got.
I'm seriously injured! I got blurred vision, a low back ache, and a throbbing pain in my skull! [SHOUTING.]
And whiplash! And an ear ache.
You wanna sue me, go ahead and sue me I don't care, I deserve it.
Take my money, take my house, take everything.
Hey, right on, brother! Give it all up! The more you possess, the more you are possessed, while the wretched of the earth have to scrounge for a meager existence! [ALL.]
Shut up! You can't sue us.
A whole carload of people saw you try and strangle your wife.
That's right, that's right, strangling.
You know, I guess they don't mind that up in Boston, but this is New York.
And I oughta tell ya something else.
I'm gonna pay a visit to my attorneys first thing tomorrow morning.
And wait'll you see them guys.
They are seven savage Jews that won't leave a scrap on your bones.
You can go ahead and try and sue, but we got at least who'll testify that you were drunk, you were strangling your wife, you threw me up-- All right, all right! We don't sue.
Let's forget the whole thing.
Forget the whole thing, huh? Yeah, just sweep everything under the carpet.
That solves everything, doesn't it? He said forget it.
Leave it alone.
Yeah, leave it alone.
Gloria, don't you understand? All my life, I believed in non-violence.
I've marched in peace protests.
I've signed petitions against captial punishment.
Now I hit a man! So you done good! I can hardly wait to tell all the gang down at Kelsey's.
Which, some of them guys I have to tell you, to this very day figure you for a fruit.
Daddy, please.
Michael, you hit him because you had to defend me.
Gloria, that's not the point! It wouldn't make any difference if I were defending you or the flag or Kate Smith singing God Bless America.
The fact is, I hit a man! To save me! Michael, aren't you overdoing it a bit? Gloria, I put a freakshow on for these people! All ya done was belt him.
Now, when everybody leaves this train, they'll all have a great story to tell.
They'll all be sitting around at dinner, telling their family and their friends how this one guy smacked another guy in the face, how his head snapped back and his knees buckled.
I gave 'em a Charles Bronson and a Clint Eastwood movie rolled into one! The only thing missing was the hot buttered popcorn! Michael, don't go on about this! Okay, so you're a peaceful man, so you hate violence-- [SHOUTING.]
Gloria! When my fist hit the man's face, I-- I didn't hate it.
'Course you didn't hate it! You're supposed to feel good! I did, damn it! That's what scares me.
What, are you scared of being human? Huh? Like I told you before, 'tis human to be violent.
Listen, I could take you all the way back to the Bible to prove that to you.
Back to the Book of "Ecclesiasticals.
" Mark 4:2.
7 or something.
Talking about the gifts to all humanity, and of these is faith, hope and charity, and of these, the greatest is violence.
You don't follow that.
Well, anyway, I hope you learn a lesson from all of this here today.
It's a lesson you shoulda learned long ago.
Are you listening to this too? Yeah! And it's this.
Don't never, never go looking for a house in the Bronx.
All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.