M*A*S*H (MASH) s07e21 Episode Script

[O.
R.
Chatter.]
[Indistinct Chatter.]
Bigelow? Give Lovett another unit of whole blood - and keep your eye on that drainage, okay? - Yes, Doctor.
- Do you get off at dawn? - Yes, Doctor.
Same here.
You wanna meet in the supply tent and take stock of each other? - Absolutely not, Doctor.
- A simple "yes" would've sufficed.
- Hey, Hawk? - Yes? Give me a hand here, will ya? Hold this tension.
When are you gonna learn to pull your own weight around here? Just be a second.
He used to work on a chain gang.
[Explosion.]
- Shelling? - Couldn't be.
The angels are bowling.
Sounded like one of our 105s.
- [Explosion.]
- How do you know? - I'm in the army.
- [Explosions Continue.]
That one's coming from the other direction.
Great.
We're in a cross fire.
Hurry up.
[All Chattering.]
All right.
Take it easy.
I'm sure they don't mean it.
- We're safe as long as they keep aiming at us.
- How about some coffee? - Good idea.
I'm getting sleepy.
- [Explosion.]
- Nothing to worry about.
Happens all the time.
- Yeah, this'll all blow over.
Reassuring.
Very reassuring.
- What the hell's going on? - And from every direction.
Shut up, both of you.
I'm trying to raise "l" Corps.
- Should we tell him he doesn't have a phone in his hand? - You don't have a phone.
[Klinger Shouting.]
Hello? "I'"Corps? Just a second.
! - Here, sir.
- You got room for two more? No.
I'm wearing a full skirt.
Hello.
Colonel Sherman Potter.
Get me the Artillery Fire Direction Center.
- [Explosions Continuing.]
- Yeah, I guess you could call this an emergency! - We surrender already! - If I had a stick with a white handkerchief, I'd show them.
- Maybe if we stood on the roof and put up our hands.
- Hello, Major? Colonel Sherman Potter, MASH 4077.
Stop the shelling! Stop it! Stop it! You gotta reason with them.
Colonel, we're running three different battles here.
I don't have time to chat.
You're where? Ouijongbu? Yes! We're engaging a Chinese battery two miles south.
You're what? You can't be.
is 12 miles to the east.
In your hat.
We were there for two days three weeks ago.
'Cause we're mobile, that's why.
What do you think the big "M" stands for? Did you forget to file your DOA-63/ A, notifying H.
Q.
About that? Major and I'm using that title for the moment we are in your line of fire! - Tell him money is no object.
- Let's assume you made a mistake and you are out there.
According to procedure, I need to know you're you.
Authenticate a Victor Zulu according to the S.
O.
I.
- Klinger, where's the code book? - It's not under here.
- Find it.
Find it.
- [Explosions Continue.]
Radar's got nothing in here but National Geographics about Tahiti and New Guinea.
Yeah? Take 'em back to the Swamp.
- What about "Signal Operating Instructions"? - S.
O.
I.
! That's it! [Loud Explosion.]
Victor"Victor Mature.
Victor Zulu.
" Victor Zulu.
And I respond, uh, "Eskimo Pie.
" Sorry.
That is incorrect.
Obviously, you have a superseded code book, Colonel Potter if that's who you are.
What do you mean, "if that's who you are"? Look, you dunderhead.
I'm me! But I'm not gonna be me much longer if you don't squirt the battle in another direction! I'm sorry, Colonel.
Without the proper authorization response we have no way of knowing who you are.
If you are one of us, get out of there; you're in danger.
And if you're one of them stay right where you are, and we'll get to you, comrade.
[Explosions Continue.]
He thinks I'm Chinese.
- I don't see it myself.
- Why don't we call the people doing the actual shooting? - That could be anybody.
- This whole thing is probably over somebody's wife.
I'll call General Imbrie.
He knows my voice.
He'll identify me.
[Klinger.]
I'm way ahead of you, Colonel.
There's only one thing wrong.
- The phone's kaput.
- [All Complaining.]
We gotta do something.
We're sitting in a future crater.
- A senior staff meeting in the Mess Tent in five minutes.
- Last one there is a dead duck.
- I'm coming with you! - [Loud Explosion.]
Then again, why do you need me? Well, folks, the way I see it, we're in the middle of a boxing ring between two blindfolded fighters.
What you are saying, Colonel, in your inimitably folksy style, is that we are doomed.
- It sounded so much better when he said it.
- [Loud Explosion.]
- Now there's a wicked left hook.
- Sorry I'm late.
I forgot where I'd put my steel pot.
Then I remembered I used it to plant azaleas.
It still smells of mulch.
But, as they say, any pot in a storm.
What a wonderful pun.
You can replant those azaleas on my grave.
Oh, I'm sure He'll protect us.
- Here, Father.
Sit by me.
- Thank you.
- Padre, I was just saying our situation looks desperate - Right.
- But not hopeless.
- Wrong.
Apparently, neither side knows we're here.
A major move under these conditions would be more dangerous than staying but there's no time to dig bunkers.
Now tell us the bad news.
I've done some checking, and we do have an alternative.
- Dig a hole and come up in Kansas.
- Actually, you're not far off.
- California? - About a half mile west of here there's an abandoned cave that the North Koreans used as an aid station.
A cave? There must be a better place than a cave.
- I think it's a brilliant idea.
Let's go.
- We'll be under some cover.
- Exactly.
Let's go! - Wait a minute.
- We can't get everybody in there.
- I believe we can.
It'll be a tight fit, but if we just take the bare necessities, we should make it.
- We'll enter according to rank, sir.
Let's go.
- Just a second.
- You want to move patients to a damp cave with no heat? - We'll take a few space heaters.
Just moving them is risky.
I got a chest case in there, just came out of O.
R.
Fine.
You stay here with your patient.
I'm sure he'll be very grateful when the shells start falling around you.
Hold it.
Listen.
There.
See? They stopped.
No problem.
We stay here.
- [Loud Explosion.]
- That's it.
We move.
- [All Chattering.]
- [Hawkeye.]
Wait a second [Margaret.]
Take out the I.
V.
Before you load him up.
It's gonna be crowded in there.
Kellye? Come on.
If we miss this ride, we'll have to thumb.
Doctor? There's still a fair amount of bloody drainage.
Could be a small bleeder.
I'll check him on the bus.
Enjoy the ride, kid! It's the only way to see Korea.
Help you across the street, ma'am? I'm used to it.
I got my family through nine evictions.
This neighborhood's certainly falling apart.
Wait a minute.
Put him down.
I'm losing tension.
Easy.
We'll get you out of here.
We're gonna have to rig up something so he can travel.
- Doc - Just take it easy, O'Malley.
We're working on it.
- How about a couple of crutches? - Not for a couple of months.
You could set 'em on either side and use it as a splint.
Then tie the ends together, use it as a fulcrum, and then adjust the tension.
Yeah.
Yeah, that should work.
Sort of like a Thomas splint.
You're really something.
Is there anything you don't know? Yeah, how to duck.
[Explosions Continue.]
- Is that it? - Yeah, unless we left the bathtub running.
I've been thinking.
It might be worth it to leave somebody here to keep an eye on the place.
These caves have been around for centuries.
They're perfectly safe.
It wouldn't be any trouble.
I'll surround myself with sandbags, say "Who goes there?" a lot.
We're going to the cave.
Get on.
- [Explosions Continue.]
- Transfer, please.
All right, Klinger.
Turn it over.
You mind if I put the top up, sir? It might deflect the shells.
- Nah, it's too nice an evening.
- Wagons ho! - [Engine Starts.]
- Wait! Stop! Klinger, stop that jeep! - Where do you think you're going? - He was about to leave without you, sad sack.
Drop that junk and get in.
Junk? These are my barest necessities.
I'm not leaving without them.
- Drive on, Klinger.
- Klinger! Wait! Aaah! [Distant Explosions.]
[Margaret.]
Come on.
! Come on.
! Let's go.
! Hurry.
! - Let's go.
! Let's go.
! Step it up, huh? - Be careful.
Okay.
Go.
Extra blankets for every patient.
It's all rock here, and everything's wet.
There you go.
Got it, got it.
Oh, yeah, there's home.
Just how I pictured it a vine-covered hole.
- How's it doing, O'Malley? - Feels fine.
Not much pain.
Lucky for him he was around to help himself.
It looks awfully low in there.
Come on.
I need help setting up a pulley inside.
- I'll stay out here and direct traffic.
- You okay? I'm fine.
Why do you ask? - I've just never seen you this brave before.
- No, I'm fine, really.
Save me a stalagmite.
- Anything left out here? - Just me.
Before I go in, I demand you send out a patrol to rescue my wardrobe.
Into the cave with the rest of the bats.
- All right, Pierce.
Everyone's in.
Let's go.
- Uh-huh.
[Explosions Continue.]
Here I am, going in.
And here I am, coming out.
- Pierce, what are you doin'? - Do you have anything in a larger size? Son, I don't know what's gotten into you, but as your commander I can't go in until you go in, so in you go.
I don't think so.
I don't breathe too well in there.
Know what I mean? Claustrophobia? [Exhales.]
Ever since I was a kid.
People used to think I kept my clothes in a pile because I was a slob.
It's just that I couldn't step into a walk-in closet.
I know there's plenty of air in there and the walls aren't gonna cave in but that's what's gonna happen, so let's just forget it.
I wish I'd known before, but I don't know what else we could've done.
What else was there to do? I couldn't jeopardize the unit on account of my stupid fears, which happen to be real.
Easy now.
Nobody's gonna force you to do what you can't do.
If you have to stay outside, then keep close to the entrance, where it's a little safer.
- All right? - All right.
- All right.
- All right.
[Explosions Continue.]
[Incoming Shells.]
[Loud Explosion.]
Hi, honey! I'm home! [Explosions Continue.]
Hello.
Just stay calm.
Everybody make room for each other.
Breathe slowly.
Save some air for the next person.
I'm sure there's plenty for everybody.
Don't panic just 'cause the walls are closing in.
Make a hole.
Comin' through.
Hello, Hawkeye.
Kind of cozy, isn't it? Excuse me.
- Father, whatever you're going out for, I'll get it.
- I wasn't going out.
- I'll get it anyway.
- [Potter.]
Make room.
Make room.
Oh, you made it inside.
Proud of you.
How're you holding up? - Fine.
Great.
Fantastic.
Get me outta here.
- What's the matter? - He's got a little claustrophobia.
- Oh, dear.
Well, you shouldn't be here.
Father, you have a real grasp of the obvious.
May I be excused? - Right.
Comin' through! - Right.
Let him through! I'm gettin' out and goin' for coffee! - [Explosions Continue.]
- Easy, son.
Easy.
- We need a sentry here anyway.
- It'll be all right, Hawkeye.
If you'd like to talk about it, I'm working down at the other end.
- Uh Oh, well.
- Right now I just need a little room, okay? Ah-ha.
Nice of the North Koreans to leave us this hook.
- They probably used it for the same thing.
- Don't be silly.
They used it to hang themselves after spending an hour in here.
This cave is a terrible idea.
One direct hit on the entrance, we'll be sealed in here for eternity.
A little louder, you could start a stampede.
- I haven't even mentioned the dampness.
- Don't.
Oh, sure.
You don't have sinus trouble.
I hope you're not subject to pneumonia, because that's next.
When they finally find our skeletons, they won't be able to tell who's who because the dog tags will all be rusted over.
Listen, Gloom Hilda, will you keep it down.
There are a lot of frightened people here.
And I'm one of them, so I will say what I please.
I don't think you need the other sandbag.
- What? - The second sandbag it's too much weight.
I checked the X-ray.
I want more tension on the leg.
The weight is perfect.
Fine.
Fine.
Brilliant.
Too bad it's all academic.
We're gonna be buried in here anyway.
I know we're in kind of a tough spot here.
Nerves are a little raw.
People are kind of anxious.
Make one more doomsday remark, you're gonna need splints for all your teeth.
To answer you in your own dead-end parlance, "Youse and whom else?" - Just "mese.
" - You know, these modern caves have terrific acoustics.
You can hear everything - I still say this cave is a terrible idea.
- [Potter.]
I heard that.
[Explosions Continue.]
- Hi, Lovett.
- Where did they get you? Don't talk like that to your blood bank.
How do my corpuscles feel, by the way? Warm, I bet.
- I'm a warm-blooded guy.
My desert heritage.
- How much do I need? Don't worry.
Whatever it is, I can spare it.
Besides, there's more where I came from.
Father Mulcahy and Major Winchester have the same type blood as me except one's a little purer and one's a little bluer.
How's it going, Klinger? I was just telling Lovett here that you and me have the same blood type.
That is not funny, Klinger.
It's in the records.
Ironic, huh? Us two, brothers under the skin? That's as demoralizing a thought as I have ever encountered.
Klinger, stop talking to the patient, please.
It's bad enough he has to have you in his veins, let alone his ears.
[Quietly.]
Some brother.
[Winchester.]
I heard that.
[Explosions Continue.]
- Where are you going? - Down to the corner to buy a paper and a larger room.
No, no, no.
Stay here.
Come on.
I'll sit with you.
- Do you believe in reincarnation? - What? Looking in there makes me think of all the things I wouldn't want to come back as a snail, an oyster, a turtle.
[Chuckles.]
Can you imagine me as a turtle? Afraid to get into my own shell.
I'd die of embarrassment, all the other turtles laughing at me in my underwear.
[Sighs.]
I wish I was strong and brave like you.
Ha! That's a laugh.
As much as you want to get out of this cave, that's how much I want to stay in.
Oh? You like suffocation? With you, it's closed-in places.
With me, it's loud noises.
I've always been oversensitive to them.
- Trains, a car backfiring - [Loud Explosion.]
Shellfire.
I hate shellfire.
- So, naturally, you joined the army.
- To be a nurse.
Every time a shell goes off, I have to practically nail my feet to the floor to keep myself from running away.
- [Loud Explosion.]
- Don't worry about that.
That wasn't close.
- [Louder Explosion.]
- Now, that's close.
I can't leave you two in the backseat of anything.
We're just sitting under the rockets' red glare, sharing our favorite unreasonable fears.
I see it hasn't helped.
- This probably won't either, but at least it's warm.
- Here.
- Thanks.
- This is every nightmare I've ever had coming true.
The shelling can't last much longer.
- We'll be out of here soon.
- What do you mean? There's all that surplus ammo from World War II they haven't used yet.
- I don't know how much more of this I can stand.
- You'll stand it as long as I do.
Thank heavens none of us has to stand it alone.
I know, and that's a great comfort, as long as I'm sitting near an opening.
Hawkeye, Private Lovett's blood pressure's dropping.
- Stay put.
I'll get it.
- Thanks.
No.
Wait a minute.
I'm a doctor, and he's my patient.
Let me try.
- A-Are you sure? - Of course not.
Stay with me, but not too close.
You don't feel it, do you? Pulse rapid.
Skin clammy.
I don't know who's whiter him or me.
Excuse me.
- Hawk, we're gonna have to go back in.
- But it's dark in there.
Yeah, I know.
He's bleeding into his belly.
It's out of control.
[Panting.]
- Oh! - Pump the rest of that blood in, fast.
Hawk, I'll take care of it.
It's gonna be awfully tough finding a bleeder at the bottom of that well with no generator, no suction and, as an extra added attraction, no anesthesia.
I know.
But I know a place where we got all that stuff.
- So do I.
I'm the closest one to it.
- Are you sure? - You're not exactly yourself.
- I will be as long as I stay out of there.
- At least I'll have something real to be afraid of.
- You know best.
- I'll tell Potter.
- I'm gonna need one of your nurses.
- I'll get my helmet.
- Margaret, stay here.
It's a lot quieter.
I know, I know.
I'm crazy and I'll probably never forgive myself.
But I'm also the head nurse.
And I'll be damned if I'll send someone else out there to face what terrifies me.
You're a better nurse than I am, Gunga Din.
- [Loud Explosions.]
- [Sighs.]
Keep those headlights off, and don't rush to get back there.
Above all, if the shelling gets too close, pull off the road.
Don't tell me.
Tell Margaret.
She's driving.
Not too fast.
I want to read the Burma Shave signs.
Good luck to both of you.
What you're doing takes a lot of guts.
- And no brains.
- Don't pick up any hitchhikers.
- Can we just get outta here? - Thanks for a wonderful evening.
We'll have you over real soon.
Remember, keep the helmets on and the lights off.
Be careful.
[Distant Explosion.]
- More suction.
I can't see.
- Suction.
[Incoming Shell, Loud Explosion.]
- Sounds like they're getting closer.
- Keep that suction coming.
- [Explosion.]
- I swear they're getting closer.
- I think I found the bleeder.
Retractor.
- Retractor.
You're doing fine.
Now, just let go of it.
Okay.
Pull that back.
You know, with Klinger and Mulcahy's blood in him this kid'll wake up singing "Ave Maria" in Lebanese.
That was supposed to be funny.
You're not helping me by not laughing.
- There's nothing funny about any of this.
- All right.
Okay, okay.
Let's try something else a game 20 Questions.
- You're crazy.
- No.
It works.
My father used to play that with us when we went on family drives.
Kept our minds off throwing up.
Okay.
You think of somebody famous, living or dead, and I have to guess who it is.
I can't play any games.
- Think of somebody.
- Winston Churchill.
Don't tell me.
Think of somebody else, and keep it to yourself.
[Explosion.]
- You got somebody? - No.
Well, get somebody.
Boy, you are really lousy at this game.
- All right, all right.
I'm ready.
- Okay.
Now, first question.
- Are you busy Saturday night? - [Sighs.]
What? I guess that rules me out.
- [Loud Explosion.]
- [Screams.]
- Is he a she, or is she a he? - She's a woman.
All right.
It's either Eleanor Roosevelt or Marilyn Monroe.
- This is stupid.
- [Explosion.]
Stop! Give me another question.
- Is she living or dead? - [Explosion.]
That's a dumb question.
Is she vegetable or mineral? - Are you gonna play or not? - All right, all right.
- She's dead.
- Dead.
Uh, uh, more than a hundred years? - Yes.
- 500? - Yes.
- Boy, she must look awful.
Is she married? - Wait a minute.
- Separated? - No, shh! Listen.
- Come on, Margaret.
We're doing so well.
No, no.
Listen.
It's stopped.
The shelling's stopped.
Hold on.
They may just be reloading the cotton in their ears.
No, no, no.
It's over.
We made it.
Boy, we are really brave.
Yeah.
Well, let's just keep thinking that.
[Panting.]
Um Joan of Arc.
How did you know? It's easy.
Who else would you be thinking of in the last five minutes? [Both Laughing.]
[Vehicle Approaching.]
[Brakes Squeal.]
[Potter.]
Look for pierce and Houlihan.
Careful, careful.
! [All Chattering.]
- Easy through the doorway.
- Sir, there's life, barely.
- I don't know about them, but he's okay.
- Aw, let 'em sleep.
They deserve it.
[Chatter Continues.]
- They're home.
- Oh, good.
- We better help.
- [Hawkeye.]
Right.
[Moans.]